In this episode, David talks about four fundamental values he wishes he had learned while growing up, and why he thinks they are important for children.
Pragmatic ethics:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pragmatic_ethics
Stromae – Papaoutai
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiKj0Z_Xnjc
In this episode, David talks about four fundamental values he wishes he had learned while growing up, and why he thinks they are important for children.
Pragmatic ethics:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pragmatic_ethics
Stromae – Papaoutai
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiKj0Z_Xnjc
Values to Instill in Children
Welcome to the Reasoned Intuitions podcast. My name is David Tonner, and I discuss personal ideas on moral issues in modern society and try to come up with improved ways of thinking and behaving, in the hopes of becoming a better person and causing the least amount of harm. As a disclaimer, I'd like to state that I am not an expert in either philosophy, psychology, or anything else, for that matter.
My opinions and positions are provisional and open to change with new information or an improved understanding of the issues I discuss. My intent is not to provide definitive rules or to tell anyone how they should live their life. I merely want to share my ideas and insights in the hopes that they can be inspirational or in some way helpful.
I employ pragmatic ethics and try to reason from as broad and objective a perspective as possible. Some of my basic assumptions are that unchosen suffering is bad, and we should strive to minimum. Joy is the most pleasurable sensation, and thus, we should strive to maximize it. Empathy is universal, with some exceptions, and it should be the starting point of any good ethical system.
Intro
Hello and welcome to another episode of Reasoned Intuitions. Recently, I was out for a walk—which, by the way, is where I get most of my ideas—and somehow, I started thinking about values that I didn't learn as a child. I came up with a few that seemed important, and I wanted to share them with you. Some of them will probably seem basic, maybe even obvious, and I'm sure lots of my listeners did, in fact, learn these while growing up. Still, I thought it would be worthwhile to put them out there, even just for the sake of reinforcement.
I'll make a quick disclaimer here and state that I am not a parent, nor have I done any significant amount of parenting. When I was younger, I helped care for my baby sister in her early years, and I later taught preschool children for four years while living overseas. I've also read several books on parenting throughout my life, but that's about it.
Parenting is not easy. I don't just mean that it's a practically challenging task. Anyone can be a parent, but being a truly good parent is something few of us know how to do. There's no user manual anywhere; every parent just wings it and does the best they can with the resources and knowledge available to them.
The Belgian singer Stromae said it best in his popular song “Papaoutai” about deadbeat dads: “Everyone knows how to make babies, but no one knows how to make daddies”. Considering the monumental responsibility that raising a child carries, both in terms of making sure that the little person is cared for and allowed to grow up in a healthy way, but also for the sake of creating a well-adjusted, kind, and valuable member of society, not enough emphasis seems to be placed on providing new parents with guidance in this endeavour.
Anyway, I'm not arrogant enough to think that my two cents’ on this topic has enough value to improve anybody's parenting methods, but sometimes sharing one's personal experience can, in the very least, be inspirational and thought-provoking, right? So, without further ado, here are four values I wish I had learned when I was a kid.
When I was young, my mother placed great emphasis on education and its importance. She used herself as an example, a PhD holder. One of the key things that she stressed over and over, and a lesson I took to heart that has stayed with me to this day, is the notion of general knowledge. This had been something she grew up with, being of the boomer generation in communist Czechoslovakia, and in her worldview, having general knowledge about many things, or knowing a little bit about many topics, not only provided practical advantages, but it also distinguished you as someone who was erudite.
The catch in this story, when I look back, is that education and its value, as it was presented to me was always more of a conceptual idea than anything else. Through a convoluted series of events, I ended up having to drop out of high school at the age of fifteen, and that was where my formal education ended.
This presents a contrast, it seems: my parent, stressing to me just how important it was to obtain a higher education, and then being unable to provide even a more basic variety. While I do not fault my mother for anything, including this seeming contradiction, what I would point out is that her emphasis on education was far too theoretical and bereft of much practical utility.
Once I left school, there was never any further thought or discussion of seeking academic achievement. In practical terms, it simply wasn't an option. Additionally, it had somehow lost its lustre and critical importance.
So, what is the difference between the conceptual and practical value of education?
On a conceptual level, having an education is seen as noble. It conjures ideas of privilege, success, class, and status. There is a strong association between intelligence and education, of course, and intelligence is a trait that our society values very highly, more so today than ever before.
On a practical, education brings many benefits, at least traditionally. While the landscape has changed much in the past few decades, and we now hear of countless university graduates who are unable to find work, it still remains the case across the world that a person with a diploma or degree is not only able to obtain a higher-paying and more comfortable job, they're are also much more likely to achieve material success for themselves and their family. Education is conceptually a noble goal, but more importantly, it pays the bills, it puts food on the table, and it brings much-needed security.
So, why do I think it's important to stress the practical value of education to children? One of the most important duties that a parent has to their child is setting them up for success in life. Making sure that a child has access to education, as well as inculcating in them the right attitude and motivations towards becoming educated is one of the foundational steps towards lifelong success.
Obviously, I'm not suggesting that being educated can guarantee such success. There are many circumstances that can affect one's path towards a secure life, and some of them can be so crippling as to negate the value of education. However, I still maintain that academic achievement is a surefire way of improving one’s situation, no matter what the starting point. I also want to stress that when I say education, I'm not necessarily talking about going to university. An education can be academic, but it can also mean getting into a trade, learning some kind of skilled work, et cetera. The idea is for a person to learn something that has practical value and that will make it easier for them to find gainful employment.
I also want to be clear that I'm not a proponent of authoritarian or “tiger” parenting. I don't think children should be pressured into multiple daily activities that cause them stress and deprive them of playtime; I don't think children should be forced to study things that they detest; and I certainly don't believe in using any form of punishment, physical or psychological, with the goal of achieving results.
I believe that education should be an idea that resides in the home like a sibling, a close friend, or a pet. Children should grow up with this idea as an undercurrent in their life, something they understand to be a normal and positive part of modern living. Learning is a daily activity, whether structured or not, and this is something children do intuitively. However, I think it's important to instill in children the idea that more than just piecemeal learning, there is a bigger goal in life, and that is obtaining a practical education. This, just like coupling, employment, child-rearing, retirement, and eventual death, is one of the keystone stages of modern human life that most people go through and cherish. Without this important stage, the subsequent steps become more difficult to attain.
Next, I want to talk about money. I grew up in what might be considered a middle-class household, and I still fit into that category, I think. Though my family's financial situation changed considerably in my teenage years, I've never been poor; I've never lacked any basic necessities. In fact, I've always been able to afford a reasonable level of comfort, such as eating out when I wanted to, buying the clothes I needed, having a good set of wheels to drive, et cetera. Still, I don't think I ever learned very many positive lessons about money growing up and to this day, I don't consider myself to be money-savvy. Now money is a touchy subject for many. Obviously, we all need money to live. Still, despite, or perhaps because of the importance of money, it carries with it an aura of impurity. Many people say money is the root of all evil. It's considered dirty, both literally and figuratively, and there's also a common association between the quest for money and greed, which, of course, is seen as a negative trait. Additionally, money is the grease that allows our capitalist system to operate, and many people dislike the capitalist system—I'm not one of those people, by the way. It seems that the only ones who like money are those who have enough of it and are comfortable obtaining it. Even there, though, that relationship isn't always positive or straightforward. Having said all that, I think it's important to keep in mind that money is nothing but a tool.
It is possibly the most important tool that allows people to not only operate within modern society in an adaptive fashion, but to find comfort, to thrive, and even to be able to help the less fortunate. The notion that money is the root of all evil is silly; it isn't the tool that causes harm, but the way it is used. Just like a hammer isn't a murder weapon, unless it's wielded as one.
In order to set up young people for success in life, we need to help them form healthy relationships with money. We need to teach them to value it for the tool that it is, and we also need to reinforce the idea that an honest path toward financial security should never be an afterthought. Financial security is strongly correlated with good health, both physical and mental, good relationships with other people, a sense of personal fulfillment, et cetera. To omit this lesson as part of a child's balanced education is to do them a great disservice down the line.
My sense is that most children who are either not set up for financial security by their parents, or don't develop a positive mental attitude around the topic early on, have a much harder time achieving that type of security once they become adults, at which point that lesson becomes so much harder to learn.
So, rather than simply telling a child “we can't afford this” or, on the other hand, going on a shopping spree or letting them buy whatever they want, both of which are difficult for kids to understand without the proper context, parents can model good financial habits to their children from a young age. Some ways they can do this include being responsible with spending and letting a child witness this; modelling saving and talking to kids about bank account balances; demonstrating the importance of paying bills on time; setting up a savings account for a child and helping them make regular deposits, even of a few dollars at a time; introducing credit cards and properly contextualizing their benefits and pitfalls; talking to kids about debt, credit scores, et cetera.
Obviously, all these things have to be done at an appropriate age, where a child is able to understand them. But if the parent already engages in these habits themselves, then all they're doing is explicitly modelling them to children, and I think that when surrounded by the proper structures and relationships with money, kids can learn to be much more mature about the subject once they become independent.
The third value I want to talk about that I think needs to be properly contextualized and emphasized for children, is the importance of health and physical fitness. Now, I've always been a healthy person. Through a combination of genetics and environment, I've never had any serious ailments or health issues. I have a strong immune system, I don't get colds or the flu very often, and even though, as a rambunctious child and lifelong risk taker, I've suffered numerous injuries, none of them have been crippling or chronic. I've also never had weight issues. I've been pretty thin throughout my life, and I've engaged in various sports and physical activities that have kept me fit and flexible into my forties.
Overall, I just don't worry about my health very much. I should admit, however, that very few of these benefits are my own doing. I've just been really lucky, and circumstances have made me the way I am. Some of this credit should go to my mother, of course: after all, she never fed me much junk food or excessive amounts of sugar, she made sure that my diet was balanced and regular, and that I was vaccinated and saw a doctor when I needed one. These are all excellent things, and I'm convinced that all parents do the best they can with what they have at their disposal.
I also believe that most parents do a pretty decent job when it comes to making sure that their kids are healthy. Still, just like what we said earlier about education and financial security, my sense is that these are things that mostly happen behind the scenes, in the realm of parenting. Most of it isn't made explicit to children.
So my argument, as before, is that stressing the importance of physical health to our kids is a lesson that brings with it many lifelong rewards. I think there's two broad categories of parents when it comes to the question of children's health: there are those who talk about the importance of eating healthy food and those who don't make a big deal about it.
While I obviously think healthy nutrition is important, and it's definitely crucial to have those conversations with children, I don't believe that's sufficient in itself. In addition, there is way too much misinformation at our disposal about what is and isn't healthy. So often, the message that gets passed on to children isn't factually accurate.
I'm not going to advocate for any specific diet or type of food that parents should encourage their kids to eat. In my opinion, the best and easiest way to raise healthy children, in the very least in terms of the nutrition that is available to them, is by making sure that their diet is varied.
My understanding is that a healthy and nutritious diet should consist largely of plant-based foods and that children should avoid eating too much over-processed foods, also known as junk food. That's not the main point that I want to emphasize, however. What I think parents should be incorporating into the language they use with their children is the idea that being healthy is one of the most important things for their child's development and lifelong success. So, in addition to healthy eating, it also means making sure that kids care about what they do to their bodies and what they put in them. Additionally, and this is more focused on the physical fitness component, I think parents should make sure not only that their children are getting a basic and regular amount of exercise, but that they also understand why this is important. Most kids burn high amounts of calories playing while they are young, but past a certain age—and nowadays that is becoming lower and lower—their pastimes and entertainment become predominantly sedentary. What this translates to is fewer calories burned and much less regular movement and exercise. I think that it's important for parents to structure their children's environment and activities so that regular movement is not neglected, but also that it doesn't become onerous or a chore.
A component of the conversation around health and fitness also has to be the fact that, even though modern medicine can do wonders these days, there are certain physiological conditions and injuries that are irreversible. While I don't live under any illusion that children can be dissuaded from being reckless and taking unnecessary risks —and I speak from experience—I do think that if a young person is taught early on that they have to respect their bodies, there's a chance that at a certain level of maturity, they will employ more caution when taking risks that could cost them a limb, an organ, or more. Obviously, a big part of a child's overall health and fitness comes down to genetics, and environment can only do so much in mitigating that effect. What this means is that there's no one-size-fits-all recipe for all parents and no single method that will work for everyone. Still, I think there are basic messages to be conveyed to all young people that can have long-term beneficial results.
Lastly, I want to talk about relationships. This is, again, one of those things that all seemed to happen behind the scenes for me. Sure, I was taught to respect my elders, to be nice to my brother, to be thoughtful of other people's needs, et cetera, and these are pretty standard lessons that parents teach their kids. Somehow though, all this feels rather decontextualized to me.
No one ever told me explicitly that relationships are everything, or that people in the world matter. What I'm advocating here is the use of broad strokes to illustrate to children that while they are unique and special, they can't do anything on their own. Every type of success is based on strong relationships, and in order to value relationships, we need to understand that everybody is important. In a modern context, where most of us do not live within community, and we don't learn the importance, not only of reciprocity, but of the direct consequences of our actions, as well as our responsibility towards others, this is more crucial than ever. Let me clarify what I mean by community, first of all, because it's a term that can have different meanings in different contexts.
I'm contrasting modern, urban life to more traditional communal settings. From tribal societies, where everything that takes place is pretty much known to everyone, to more contemporary communities like villages, or even intentional communes. Urban existence is very much individual and splintered—and I don't mean to put a negative spin on this, by the way; I have complex thoughts on the topic and, I'm merely trying to explain what I was referring to.
As far as direct consequences, what I mean is that, if you live in a small town and you cut someone off in traffic, it's almost certain that that person knows who you are, and therefore, you will suffer some consequence as a result, if only in terms of your reputation. Same for littering on the street, being a jerk to someone in the supermarket, et cetera. In a setting where everybody knows everyone else, we are forced to be much more aware and careful about how we act.
In an urban setting, where millions of people live side by side, and most of them never see the same person again within a relevant timeframe, we have much more freedom to do as we please, without thinking about the consequences our actions have on strangers. An extreme manifestation of this lack of responsibility is the internet, and more specifically, social media, where it's okay to be nasty to others, since most people are strangers to each other, and there are no consequences to casual meanness.
To humans, other people are the most important thing in the world. Everything having to do with our own lives, including our ability to survive, but also our purpose for survival, has to do with other people. There is no question about this. Our biological drive is to reproduce, therefore, to create other people, and to do so, we require at least one other person, but usually many more, in order to do it successfully.
On a psychological level, our value is derived from other people. When others are not around to validate us, for us to compare ourselves to, to interact with and compete with, seek comfort and learn from, we lose all sense of meaning and purpose, and loneliness and depression set in.
What value would you derive from life if you were the last living person in the world? You would have to create it artificially—which is certainly possible—but that is not the natural state for humans.
Now, obviously most of us go through life, and we do just fine when it comes to relating to others. Forming relationships happens naturally, and most of us have at least a few people we are close with, whether they be friends or family. All of us value other people on an implicit level, especially those who exist within our narrow circle of empathy.
Therefore, it would seem that the lesson shouldn't have to be taught intentionally, since, after all, we all know how to do it. What I think, however, is that the way we go about forming relationships and relating to other people is good enough, but it isn't great. With a little bit of effort in the way that we introduce young children to the importance of intentionality around relationships, and certainly the importance of other human beings, be they near or far, I'm convinced we could engender far more compassion, joy, and meaning in a world that is increasingly solitary, disjointed, and lonely.
Anyway, thanks again for listening.