Welcome to episode two of Ask a Celebrant with Berni and Dinah.
In this episode, we're talking about the impact that the last couple of years has had on many people who had to cancel their wedding plans. We've heard from stressed and concerned couples who don't want to go through it all again - only to be dissapointed.
So, we're talking about the alternatives. And as Independent Celebrants we help people create alternatives to traditional weddings all the time.
Contact Berni at: https://www.bernib.co.uk/
Contact Dinah at: https://www.gratefulcelebrant.com/
Welcome to episode two of Ask a Celebrant with Berni and Dinah.
In this episode, we're talking about the impact that the last couple of years has had on many people who had to cancel their wedding plans. We've heard from stressed and concerned couples who don't want to go through it all again - only to be dissapointed.
So, we're talking about the alternatives. And as Independent Celebrants we help people create alternatives to traditional weddings all the time.
Contact Berni at: https://www.bernib.co.uk/
Contact Dinah at: https://www.gratefulcelebrant.com/
Hi, everyone. Welcome to episode two of ask a celebrant. Um, the F there was a phenomenal response to episode one, and we were asked lots of questions that related to, uh, weddings and, and celebrations of love, weddings, vow, renewals, those types of things, where people have been. So, uh, over the last two years, because of cancellations and restructuring having to change their plans, uh, change their locations, whatever. And we've been asked about how, what is important. I think people are readdressing, dynamic. Yeah. I think people are readdressing what is important. And, and those days of the, you know, this need to have this big showy wedding. And that is fine if you do. I mean, yeah, great. Do go for it. But they, that need to do that. Uh, or that, that desire to do that is not as top of the, um, of the list anymore. People are really realizing. They just, just wanna celebrate their love for their, their partner and their appreciation and their, their commitment. And, and so, yeah, we get that, don't we, because we have long relationships and, and partners we adore and that we want to remember and remind every often how important they are to us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. And, and, you know, I, I have to say on some level, I'm quite pleased to see that people are asking what are the alternatives? Um, there's yes, there's this huge number of people that have actually been really stressed and let down, and the ripple effect for those venues, for all the suppliers, you know, it's been devastating for the whole industry that work to make those weddings so special. So everybody has felt that impact, but what's also happened over the last few years. I'm pleased to see is we've started talk about the impact of weddings on the environment.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I've got couples asking, how do I do my wedding without having the most massive carbon footprint, frankly? You know, I, I want to know those alternatives because you doesn't feel right. And as we look at, you know, you and I both try and avoid looking at the news, cuz frankly, it's no fun at the moment. Oh God. Yeah. But if you do look at what's happening financially for lots and lots of families and business owners, we are gonna have to think differently about celebrations in general because that kind of money that was available is not gonna be available. We're gonna need it for more important things and add to that the whole, we will let down and we don't wanna be let down again. And I think people feel really differently about how can I do this in a way that we can, we can say, look what we did, isn't that wonderful. We want to move forward, but we've kind of changed our focus on it. Yeah,
Speaker 1:I agree. I mean, lower, lower key or smaller and more intimate or, or more considerate does not mean bland, boring, cheap, you know, it can be, you can have an amazing and, and, you know, I specialize a lot in, in the smaller, um,
Speaker 2:Micro wedding, as
Speaker 1:You do micro wedding, you know what I call the wedding. We can talk about that later. And you know, the alternative celebrations where, where really the focus is on the couple th RLE, whoever it is that are celebrating their, their commitment to each other and, and making the, the celebration intimate, unique, uh, like real, um, breath of fresh air. It's like, you've, you've done all this. You've survived this, or you've got to a point in your relationship and you think, right, I wouldn't have got here. I wouldn't have achieved this. If it wasn't for this, this
Speaker 2:Relationship,
Speaker 1:This part, this relationship, this has made this journey, um, so much easier, so much more special. I, I have this gratitude, I have this, this love for this person. And I just really wanna focus on that. I want them to know how important that they are to me. And there are a few, some people that I want to witness that because they matter to me so much too, and what you're celebrating in a wedding you're, you know, okay, you are joining your families and you are, you are making a commitment to each other, um, publicly, and you can do that in a marriage. Anyway, if you want to sign the papers. But for us, that, that joining that service, that ceremony is about two people or three people. If it's in trouble telling each other why they are, why they love each other, what they have done, how they enhance their life, what is important to them about their journey and why they want to come it into the next chapter.
Speaker 2:I love that you say that, you know, one of my, um, favorite couples for a long time, who I'm working with at the moment, and obviously I won't break any confidences, but one of the nicest couples I've worked with in such a long time, they're so adoring of each other. Um, and don't do massive public displays of affection. It's just not who they are. Um, I know what that's like. I married to somebody who doesn't do big public displays of affection. No. Um, and to, to get to work with people who say, do you know what I'm going to push myself out of my comfort zone to tell everybody who matters to me, how much you matter to me, it gives me goosebumps because this is, this is two people saying, you all know the, that we don't do this, but we're gonna do this because we care so much about each other. You, you know, I look at them and I just know they're gonna be together forever and ever because they get each other on the most glorious level. And neither one wants the other to be pushed any further than, and is absolutely critical to them to say, okay, look guys, this is how much this person matters to me. And, and it is about you and whoever you are making that commitment to. And the idea of, of marriage was actually something that was only ever part of the Uber, Uber wealthy, rich at the, the very, very highest levels of court. Um, the people who owned the property and the land, and really, it was a bit of a prenup. It was saying where uniting two bits of property and bits of land. Yeah. It doesn't work out. Don't you forget who they belong to. Yeah. And, and the difference for the working classes was that we said, we're not doing it for that. We are doing it to say, we love each other. So they never had a marriage ceremony. They had a unity ceremony, a of one type or another. And as you, and I know as modern celebrants, one of the most fun things we get to do is create new ceremonies that nobody's ever had before.
Speaker 1:And to be fair at the moment with celebrants, with independent celebrants, humanist, celebr, well, all of us, we, we actually do unity, the marriage, the legal bit, the bit that is the, the contract that is done elsewhere, you know, you spend your 80 quid, you go and sign the bits of paper. You've done that. What we do is we help you celebrate the reasons why you want to be together, and you can do ours, our unity and joy ceremony without even bothering with the legal bit. I mean, the legal bit, absolutely you say is a contract. It might be important to you. If you have a faith, you might want to do it because you want to be joined in the eyes of, of your God. Uh, but if you just want to commit to one another, you can have a wonderful celebration ceremony with a celebrant, any way you want, any way you want to demonstrate whatever it is that's important to you. Obviously you've got the traditional things like vows or, or, or, um, you know, or, or wedding celebrations where you are saying to one family and the other, we are committing to move together for our future life. You know, you've got that, but there are so many other reasons to have a unity celebration and a celebration of love. You've done low, haven't you? Yeah. You do them quite often in your, even in your, in your beautiful starlet, um, venue.
Speaker 2:Oh, I have to say, I, I don't remember quite how I came up with the idea, but doing a vow or, uh, promise renewal under the stars is just about the most fun I've ever had as an adult. Um, it's so special. And what has happened every time we've done this so far, is that halfway through talking, somebody in the group will go look, a shooting star will appear.
Speaker 1:I know magic, doesn't
Speaker 2:It, the Milky way, or, But, but you're right. It it's, what I love is that actually couples want choice because they want to be able to express love in a way that feels authentic. Yeah. You know, I, I think back to my wedding, yeah. We got married on John's 21st birthday, uh, in a registry office in working the whole ceremony was over in 15 minutes. I certainly couldn't tell you the name of my registrar. I don't remember. I didn't know. I could have had anything else. I didn't know that because you, there
Speaker 1:Wasn't much else to be fair.
Speaker 2:No, I mean, certainly back then, we, I'd never heard of a celebrant. And so I think that, and, and you and I have talked about this a lot. I think the most magical, wonderful thing has been my life with John, not the wedding we had. Yeah. Um, and so I see it from when we get the chance to create a ceremony for a couple who are saying, or Thru, who are saying, this is it I'm committing my life to you come hell or high water come great times, come opportunities, come challenges, come all the niggles and the things I'm gonna do to wind you up. We are in this for the long term. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you can do them more than once. That's the thing you, I think In a lifetime, I mean, like you, particularly, but myself, you know, as you journey along your path with your partner, you, you, you face challenges. They might be health related. They might be finance related. They might be family related that, you know, you might upticks and move to a different country, but you overcome that and you, or you might change your career or whatever. And that other person is there helping you grow, helping you grow it through it, surviving it with you, growing with you, enabling you to achieve what you've achieved. And I think at the end of each phase, we should, you know, we, as, as couples should not just remember to say thank you or go out, you know, go out for a dinner and say, thanks. That was great. I think we should make more of it. We should be able to say, wow, that bit of our journey was awesome, terrible, whatever it was, we survived it because of each other. I want to promise you that I still love you as much despite or because of, or whatever. And I want us to take a moment, a proper moment and really mark it and thank one another and remind each other why we're so important to each other. And, and you can do that with a celebrant. You can create cuz we don't, we don't have, or you said something really interesting to me earlier. And it was about when, you know, when people ask you, if you, how many of these you've done, you say I haven't done any,
Speaker 2:Haven't done any because every ceremony I do is completely unique. It's always my first ceremony. That's how I view this because genuinely we start with a blank sheet of paper. There is no, do you want section a, B E C and D tick, the paragraphs you want included. That's not how this works. This is about you. Um, and, and getting the chance to work with, with people to say, we think we're a bit different. We think what we want is perhaps never done before. That's gorgeous. Um, the, this last week I walked around our little Woodland here with a couple who knew that they would know when they felt it was the right spot in the woods. And I watched them walk towards a SI a little triangle, right. Near our stream and pond. And I always feel in that space really in love with where I live and nature and the calmness of it all. And the moment they stepped into that triangle, they both looked at me and smiled and went, oh yeah, this is, this is us.
Speaker 1:Oh, that, and I just thought, that's amazing.
Speaker 2:Wow, isn't that the best job in the world. Yeah. Um, and, and so being able to say to somebody who is integral, you know, I've always hated that that whole, this is my other half. Now you are a whole, and they're a whole yeah. You're just whole together. Yeah. Really, really well. Um, but there is a real sense when you've been in together a long time. Yes. We're individual, but a bit like the trees and the way their roots grow inter connected, you function better as a unit than as two individuals. Yeah. And, and that's worth celebrating.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. You can have your individual lives within that partnership. And then there will be things where they're entwined and things you would never have done or learned about or known about had you not been in a partnership with that other person. So you, you know, are you healthy part, relationship is one that grows you as an individual and makes you feel you are the best self that you are.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. You know, I, I remember hearing somebody ask John many years ago, so, you know, we all know what diner wants, what do you want? And he just looked at him and smile and said, I want her to be happy. Hmm. And I remember thinking, God, I I'm genuinely the luckiest person in the world. And then I realized, do you know what, that's how I feel about him. That's a partnership. And this ability to change for each other's dreams to take on things that matter. I mean, you and I are, are the kind of people who are constantly finding new, exciting, oh, that's that looks interesting. I'm gonna go down that path. Yeah. And these, these amazing partners have gone. Okay. Yeah. I can see why you do that. I'll go with you. Yeah. Yeah. And whatever the outcome is, I'll, I'll be right there next to you. Yeah. That should be celebrated as often as possible. Yeah. And, and you are right. The temptation is to, to say, okay, you know what? I'll be conscious of. You I'll bring gratitude into my relationship. I'll acknowledge you regularly or put date night back in all that stuff. But to actually say, no, this needs more, we need to stop and say, let's mark this moment. Um,
Speaker 1:John and I had a, um, John and I had a celebration we're we are not actually married. We've been together 27 and a half years now. So it's a long time. And we, so we, we are, we are a in, in our relationship, but at, when we got to 20 years, we had a celebration. But when we got to 25 years, we had a, an occasion and we had a, a big event and we called it 25 years of happily unmarried BLIS.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And we made promises to each other, uh, in front of our, in an, in a, in a space that meant something really important to us that we enjoyed to be together. And we, we, we, we said something and had, you know, and had those moments where we, we expressed why acknowledged our journey and why, why the other person had, is so integral to it and our, and our future, what we're looking forward together in, in the future. And I think that that is, was what's the best thing ever, you know, and just that, you know, and we can look back at that as you would a wedding, you know, and, and, you know, if you, if you, there are lots of reasons to do one isn't there, you know, what if, oh yeah. What if you have survived a major operation or you have had a traumatic birth and, you know, and, or, or your partner has been made redundant and you have had to deal with that. And, and you have, you know, those are reasons to celebrate your love, you know, not dwell on the fact that you've had all that trauma, but the fact that you have survived, it, you have grown despite it, and that you are grateful to the other person, for their love, for their pro for their commitment, for their strength, for their, you know, for
Speaker 2:All of us. And I think also that, that thing that as British people, we are really bad at doing, which is celebrating our successes.
Speaker 1:Oh God, you know,
Speaker 2:Do that all the time. We hate doing that. Cause that might be showing off. But, you know, I, I know an author who had her 10th book published and she asked her husband, sorry, not husband, actually 40 years of unwed bliss for them. Um, she asked him, can we have a big ceremony to mark this? And he said, well, yeah, of course you are amazing. We should absolutely mark this. And she said, no, no, no. I'm want to mark our partnership because we got those books written, not me. Yeah. Um, and of course she's absolutely right. I mean, everything stops when you're writing a book. Yeah. Yeah. But of course the world doesn't so
Speaker 1:He
Speaker 2:Had kept their world going. Yeah. While she got to do this incredible thing. Yeah. Um, and they marked that as a, you know what, when we're not calling it a vow renewal, we're going to do this as a way of saying thank you to each other. Yeah. And it was absolutely gorgeous thing to do. So mark, our successes, I think, and, and those don't have to be oh, 20 years, 30 years. No, I, I think they can be massively around other people. So I did the most gorgeous unity ceremony recently for a family who have adopted a child they've been fostering. Um, and all of them are now a family unit. And we wanted to mark that by each of them sharing why they love each other and for kids to be involved in something like that. I found really very moving, but also what a beautiful way to be bringing up children. Yeah. To feel comfortable talking about love.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I agree so much. I mean, my goodness, I think, I think, and I think the way that you can do that is you pick a location that is important, relevant to you. That can be a Gar your garden. It can be absolutely the, the local pub. It can be a barn, a hall or whatever, that, that is beautiful. That you've always walked in. It doesn't have to, you don't have to go out and find some flashy venue that just because it can hold 2000 people. No, exactly. You go pick somewhere. That means something to you as a couple, the beach, the Riverside, because with a celebr, you can be anywhere include the people that matter include the objects that matter. Yes. Let your celebrant, or do it yourself, let your settlement help you express why you love each other, what you are grateful for with each other. Yeah. And promises. And, but if you want to include other people and their stories of, of what they think of you and why, why you are so great together to that celebrate that love, celebrate that moment book, market, you know, put that full stop down book market, open the door to the next chapter and, and yeah. Make a thing of it. Love and unity, you know, just,
Speaker 2:Oh my God time. I think one of the nicest ceremonies I've been asked to be involved with recently, and I had never heard of anybody doing this. And I thought it was gorgeous. A couple came to me who got engaged. Um, they went to university together. They're now in their mid twenties. They're ready. They've known each other since they were at 10 or 11 is absolutely gorgeous. Um, and they're ready to set a date because they do want to have a wedding. They ha they've organized the formal date for their marriage at a registry office. And they said, you know, the thing we actually would really like you to do is we would like a ceremony that acknowledge is that my mom and dad and his, uh, dads, because he has two dads, um, have inspired our relationship, the commitment they've shown each other has been remarkable to us. We've learned how to love another person, how to listen to another person, um, how to put other people's needs above our own. If these two sets of parents have been absolutely gorgeous. And we want a ceremony that says, thank you to them for allowing us to have the relationship that we've got. And we'd like you to write something to celebrate that. I think that is, oh
Speaker 1:My God. I'd love to do those every day. That sounds, that is like the best, best, best, best, you know, you know, and we do. I mean, I look back at my, my, my parents and John's parents and they are both, you know, couples that met as teenagers and everything together, poverty, um, uh, trauma, their entire lives, not my parents are still alive and still together, sadly John's on. And we, you know, but, but they, they helped us become the people we are and to the, the idea of
Speaker 2:Acknowledge that and, and celebrate. Yeah. I, I, I think the one thing I had when I look back at our funny tiny little registry office wedding was that the wedding ring, John put on my finger had been my grandmother's finger for 62 years.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:And at their diamond wedding, they had a gorgeous party to celebrate and they were holding hands under the table.
Speaker 1:Oh.
Speaker 2:And I just remember thinking relationship goals, you know, and now here I am with my 30 years counting and yeah.
Speaker 1:And I bet your daughter looks at you and your part, your John, you both are John. Yeah. And thinks, you know, because of you, I know what, what it means to, to value somebody else. Absolutely. And how to express that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. And, and how to listen. I think listening skills in a relationship, we're not, you know, the stuff we're not taught at school that we should be taught. There's one of them, uh, life, isn't actually all about you, um, learn to take a step back and listen, if you really want to share a path with somebody, see them, hear them, give them space. And when you do, and it works, it's worth celebrating. Yeah. Because it's remarkable.
Speaker 1:And on the converse of that, of course, is that, you know, there are lots and lots of couples who have managed to obtain that at where one of them hasn't had the luxury of such a positive upbringing or both of them haven't. And they have managed to navigate that journey together, you know, and that's a massive achievement and they, you know, and, and, you know, a real loving, you know, you've, you've, you've, you have made this amazing partnership, you know, not only have you, you, should you be celebrating what you have managed to overcome, but the, you know, what your partner, how proud you are of your partner for overcoming what they've overcome and how they've helped you in that journey. And I think, you know, let's celebrate all this love and all, all this, this, um, mutual growth. And, you know, there are so many things in my life I would've never, ever managed to do without John. So many things. No, just, you know, I would never be living here if it wasn't for him. Cause I would likewise along quite happily where I, and we we've set up a whole new life, which is, you know, not a better, is not so much more fulfilling, so much more honest and authentic and, um, and real than, than before. And we'd done that together, you know, I'd have never been brave enough to move out, move and set up a BMB and become an artist. And, and, you know, if, if it wasn't for him, but I would've never had the, the resources to, and the luxury of retraining, uh, giving up my day job retraining as a celebrant, becoming my, my true, authentic self where I, I, I do what really inspires. And I'm passionate about if he hadn't been stood there in the background going, no, it's alright, I'll do this. And I'll do that while, you know, don't worry about that. I've got that you are worth that and you will be great at it. So, you know, I want to celebrate and tell him that. And I think at some point diner, we will be at yours having a, a starlet vow in your because. Yes. Yeah. Because I, I, he deserves it and I tell it, absolutely. It's not the same as taking that moment. And I'd really like, see it, there there's an announcement. I haven't told him yet. So when he listens to this, John, would you like to do a vow star? It vow with me at, um, the co charcoal heart with diner as our celebrant. I would love to do that for of you.
Speaker 2:And I would be really, really honored to be your celebrate.
Speaker 1:You've gotta cry. Now,
Speaker 2:Me too. That was wonderful. See, this is what we're talking about. This is the whole thing. This is that, of course you are emotional because you know what it is worth celebrating. What you have is so precious and, you know, without wanting to put a downer on our conversation in any way, you and I see both ends of life as celebrants and the worst sentence that ever comes out of somebody's mouth. When we are working with them to help write something about the person they is, when they say, if only I'd said this before they died, I wish I told know, we, we have to tell people while they're here, because we just don't know. We have day. It is the basic know. I, I remember thinking when we first got married and kind of the light goes out at night night, babe, love you night, babe. Love you. I remember thinking, oh my goodness, we're in a soap opera. Are we gonna do this every night? This is hideous. And then you begin to realize, no, this is glorious. I never, ever to go to sleep at night and turn that light off and not hear him say night. Gorgeous. I love you. Yeah, because it is integral to how I feel, how I operate, what I feel like when I get up tomorrow, my desire to overcome difficulties, all of it is tied up in him telling me that. And me knowing that
Speaker 1:God, we're lucky. Aren't we
Speaker 2:Are we lucky? And, and so, yes, it's emotional. And it should be because it is a really big deal, but the of it doesn't have to break the bank. It doesn't have to involve two years of planning and hundreds of people and you being stressed. If that isn't authentic for you, there are alternatives. And I hope we've, we've kind of shown you that today that they can be yeah.
Speaker 1:They're celebrating they
Speaker 2:Of it to be, yeah.
Speaker 1:Celebrate love, celebrate unity, celebrate partnership, but do it in your own unique, authentic stress free way. Yes.
Speaker 2:Thanks Bernie. I've loved our conversation today.
Speaker 1:Oh God. Yeah. Well, I've had a revelation, so, uh, yeah, we'll be too about that.
Speaker 2:We'll I'm emotional. Now. I wanna go and get early really for champagne, but I kinda wanna go and crack a bottle of champagne. Now I know I can't wait for you to show the recording to John and everybody. We can't wait to talk to you again next month. Do send us your questions. We love hearing from you the best way to connect with both of us, really through our Instagram accounts, Bernie what's yours,
Speaker 1:Uh, the no alternative celebrant
Speaker 2:And I'm diner celebrant. So you'll find us we'd loves
Speaker 1:Then
Speaker 2:I just loved it.