Timothy (DM)
Welcome to Shadows of Prophecy, a D&D real play podcast, where we will find out what it takes to become a hero, face our darkest fears, and pull ourselves out of a pit of despair. Shadows of Prophecy is a Dungeons and Dragons podcast with violent themes and adult language. Listener discretion is advised.
Timothy (DM)
With us today to traverse through adventures of loss and tragedy, we have myself, Timothy, as our ambivalent DM; Helen as "No, not that bush" druid, Panret; Russell as "I'll try anything!" Wild Surge Berzerker, Uprielyn Upri; and Kendrick as our designated driver, Monk Yonce Bey. Join us as we enter the Shadows of Prophecy. Prologue: A World Unravels. Chapter Seven - A False Shepherd.
Timothy (DM)
All right! Upri, you go into a rage as these two combatants are trying to grapple you. Make a Dexterity save.
Russell (Upri)
Before the rage... thingy?
Timothy (DM)
Oh, yes! Do that--
Russell (Upri)
The Wild Surge.
Timothy (DM)
--do your wild surge.
Russell (Upri)
[as a matter of fact] Actually, one of YOUR people needs to make a Constitution save, thank you. [Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (DM)
A Constitution save, yay! One or both?
Russell (Upri)
Upri, as she yells, a beam of light shoots out from her chest towards one of your people! [Tim laughs] [pews]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Like Austin Powers. [imitates a Fembot]
Timothy (DM)
[in dismay] Oh no! Does a-an 11?
Russell (Upri)
Nope.
Timothy (DM)
Okayyyy. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
They take 1d6 radiant damage (5) and are blinded until the start of my next turn.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so with that, make a--
Russell (Upri)
[in a raspy excited cowboy voice] Oh, shit, that felt real good!
Timothy (DM)
--make a Dexterity save as they try to grapple you.
Russell (Upri)
[desperately] Even the blind one?
Timothy (DM)
They're rolling with disadvantage.
Russell (Upri)
Just one is blind... 19.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, they failed HARD. So, they go to lunge at you. They're caught off by the beam of light. The one is kind of pushed back, is blinded, and they just, like, bump right on into each other. You're able to pivot out of your chair and slip behind them. Everybody roll initiative.
Russell (Upri)
[victoriously] Bob 'n weave! Bob 'n weave! Yeah, my dice is loaded today!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yonce got a 14.
Helen (Panret)
5 [Kendrick laughs]
Russell (Upri)
That was such an unsatisfying *raspberry*.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I know... That was a mood. [Helen laughs]That was truly a mood. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
A dirty 20. *phew*
Helen (Panret)
For initiative, womp-womp.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[in a deep voice] We're hyped today. Let's go.
Russell (Upri)
Yee!
Timothy (DM)
All right. So, Upri, you start running. I need you to roll a d20 please.
Russell (Upri)
18.
Timothy (DM)
All right... nothing happens. [Tim and Kendrick laugh] You get to just run away. Anything else that you'd like to do as you start to run from the table?
Russell (Upri)
Can I not run at first to buy time for Yon?
Timothy (DM)
Sure. Yeah. How'd you like to do that?
Russell (Upri)
I'm going to hit the blinded one in the face with Fern.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, make an attack roll.
Russell (Upri)
Does the 13 hit?
Timothy (DM)
A 13 does hit.
Russell (Upri)
Ooh. They take 11 points of bludgeoning damage as Fern SMACKS 'em in the head, and then I whip around, look at the other, and go *POW* and shoot another light out of my tits! [Tim laughs] And they have to make a Constitution saving throw 'cause I get to do at the end of every turn as a bonus action. *POW POW*
Timothy (DM)
Fuck yeah, um--
Kendrick (Yonce)
These tits are very powerful.
Timothy (DM)
This one? I think they pass; they got an 18.
Russell (Upri)
They definitely passed; they fine. It just y'know...
Timothy (DM)
Ricochets off of them? [Tim and Helen laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Yeah... yeah...
Timothy (DM)
[laughs] Hits their breastplate, just shoots off.
Russell (Upri)
And then, can you... you can only ready an action, right? I can't ready to run after they're ahead of me, right?
Timothy (DM)
You can ready to do any type of activity.
Russell (Upri)
Okay, so I'm gonna ready to use my movement to go on and... yeah.
Timothy (DM)
As soon as Yonce and...
Russell (Upri)
And Panret are ready.
Timothy (DM)
--Panret are ready. Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
Go on! Git! We gotta... we got a scramble!
Timothy (DM)
All right. Yonce, what are you doing?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to pull out my yick-koo-wah (yklwa), which I named last session [Editor's Note: it was named Spruce], which I've already forgotten. So, I'm gonna name it "Z". So, I'm gonna pull out my Z, anddd... is there anyone next to me?
Timothy (DM)
So you are all sitting next to each other, so when you get up, the two combatants are right there with you all.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to try to slash one of the combatants, maybe the blind one, with my yklwa, aka Z, which I will probably change the name of eventually. And... does a 15 hit?
Timothy (DM)
A 15 does hit.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Alright, so that is 1d8-1 and just to make the sound, that was 3.
Timothy (DM)
Three, okay. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[with an air of mystery] Maybe it was?
Kendrick (Yonce)
It was a three., hey!
Russell (Upri)
Oh, no, I like how Tim is: "You should run!" and we're like "NyAaAAhhh. HRRawwh" [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
[earnestly to Tim] "You mean we should initate a chaotic melee?" [Russell and Tim laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Yesss! Right. And are you doing anything else?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm just gonna yell to everyone. [Tim laughs] I'm gonna yell to Upri and Panret"I told you so. I told you! Never trust a drunk yoga teacher." [Helen and Tim laugh]
Russell (Upri)
All right, all right, you got us. Now, go on, git, Yon! We'll be right behind you.
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right. I'm trying to run.
Timothy (DM)
All right, what's your speed?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] My speed is 20...20 feet.
Russell (Upri)
[gears grinding] Wait, whuh--
Timothy (DM)
[confused] 20 feet? What race are you?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[meagerly] Half-elf monk?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah.
Helen (Panret)
Hmmmmm, is that--?
Russell (Upri)
Aren't monks supposed to be fast?!? [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[laughing, in unison with Russell] What did you do?!?
Kendrick (Yonce)
I don't know, but apparently I'm not as fast
Helen (Panret)
Ate too much bacon.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I ate too much bacon, let's just... [Tim sighs and laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[laughing] Don't-don't monks get, like, a base of, like, 40 or 45 or something, right?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[seriously] We can just say that it's 45; the viewers won't know.
Russell (Upri)
[perplexed] I'm-I'm so confused.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Okay, I think I'm wearing... I'm wearing armor.
Russell (Upri)
Ohhhhh, you're wearing armor that you don't have proficiency in? Does that slow you down?
Timothy (DM)
I don't knowwww!
Russell (Upri)
Apparently, this has never happene before!
Timothy (DM)
Ohhhh, D&DBeyond knows all things, right? Um... [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, let's pretend that I... can we just pretend that I have 45, just for the... [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, your monk should have something faster than 20...
Kendrick (Yonce)
D&DBeyond: fix this... this bug.
Timothy (DM)
It's NOT a bug. [laughing] I don't know WHAT you did.
Russell (Upri)
[jovially] The bug is hitting the random character button.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yeah. [laughs] It's NOT my fault. It's not my fault, I promise. [getting back on task] So, I'm running!
Timothy (DM)
So, you run. Yeah, we're just gonna say you have 40 feet because I'm pretty sure that's what it is. If it's not, well, it is for now. So, you are able to book it 40 feet away from the table off towards the edge of the village.
Russell (Upri)
[pointing to the map] 8 spaces.
Kendrick (Yonce)
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. *sigh* Oh, go directly to jail.
Timothy (DM)
So, the two pursuers, still kind of in the mix with Upri, are going to again try to grapple her.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, shit.
Timothy (DM)
Make a Dexterity save. I got a 14 as the higher pursuer.
Russell (Upri)
Dammit, that's only Strength checks that I get advantage on. I got a 3 for Dexterity?
Timothy (DM)
All right, so they are going to grab on to you. Now, make a Strength save.
Russell (Upri)
Oh! So, that's at advantage 'cause I'm raging! 19.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so they, like, jump on you, wrap their arms around you, and in your fury, you just burst right back out and throw them off of you. They are knocked prone. Panret, what are you doing?
Russell (Upri)
They thought they ate. [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
It would be only worse if you said "yeet". Yeet!
Russell (Upri)
*snorts* NO! Stop, I can't snort loud... [Kendrick laughs] Pan Pan, go on. Git!
Timothy (DM)
Yeet!
Helen (Panret)
[snapping out of a daze] Oh, sorry. [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Per usual, Panret-- I mean, Helen is lost in thought. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Thinkin' about some shrubbery, which I understand.
Helen (Panret)
I was just, like, looking at everybody and smiling. [Tim and Russell laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[to the audience] We are all very sexy creatures in real life.
Timothy (DM)
[lovingly] This is fine!
Helen (Panret)
Um, okay, Panret runs also, after Yonce with a speed of 30.
Timothy (DM)
All right, do you Dash?
Helen (Panret)
[unsure] Yessss?
Timothy (DM)
You can use your action to Dash, which doubles your distance.
Helen (Panret)
I'll Dash and I'll Dancer and I'll Prancer. [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Over that Vixen! [all laugh riotously]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] That was a good one!
Timothy (DM)
So, as the rest of your party is kind of mixing and mashing about with these combatants, Panret bolts out of there, making it 60 feet away.
Russell (Upri)
Hot damn!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Damn, Pan.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, 12 times 5 is 60.
Russell (Upri)
Do we just see a blur of a bush?
Helen (Panret)
And as soon as Upri says "yeet", Panret says--
Helen (Panret)
--Panret says [flashing peace signs] "We outtie!" [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Does Panret say it loud enough for us to HEAR them? [Helen and Kendrick laugh] Or does Panret just say that to themselves as they... [make disappearing noise] [Kendrick and Tim laugh]
Helen (Panret)
That's it, right? Yeah.
Timothy (DM)
Cool.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, I should've attacked any-- I should have... I should have just yeeted as soon as I left, as soon as I got up. My bad...
Timothy (DM)
So, as you are the person in the lead, Panret. Roll a d20.
Helen (Panret)
12.
Timothy (DM)
All right. You have no trouble sprinting away.
Kendrick (Yonce)
What if you just tripped over a branch; the thing that you love betrays you the most? [Russell, Helen and Tim laugh]
Helen (Panret)
[betrayed and melodramatic] "I trusted youuuuu!"
Timothy (DM)
All right. Upri, what are you doing?
Russell (Upri)
So, they're both prone already. Right? There's no more people?
Timothy (DM)
They're prone. Oh! And you had readied your action, so--
Russell (Upri)
Oh, to run!
Timothy (DM)
You run off 30 feet--
Russell (Upri)
So six.
Timothy (DM)
--and then it is your turn.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[moving Upri's minifig] 1-2-3-4-5-6, wait, that's six; there we go.
Russell (Upri)
Is one of the prone people the one that was blinded 30 feet away?
Timothy (DM)
Yes.
Russell (Upri)
I'm going to turn around, heels slidin' dramatically on the dirt, and shoot another chest laser. *PEW* A Constitution save? [Kendrick chuckles]
Timothy (DM)
17.
Russell (Upri)
[sadly] That passes. [wistfully] It just goes off into the distance... [Helen and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
I'm rolling really well on my Constitutions, not so much on Dexterity. Alllll right--
Russell (Upri)
Wait, I got a... do I still have my move? 'cause that move was from last--
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, exactly.
Russell (Upri)
Okay, I'm gonna move another 30 feet, and then I'm going to ready Fern for anyone to pursue us.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so you're kind of, like, keeping pace, but watching the back. As you are kind of turning around to watch the pursuers and kind of, like, ready, a swing at them should they come, you notice [rolls dice, Kendrick laughs] ONE more person is chasing after you. [laughs] So, you're, like, running around the table to, like, bee-line for the edge of the forest, and it's somebody from the table, so they jump out from their chair, and they're only 10 feet behind you.
Russell (Upri)
[small shriek] Specifically 10 feet behind Upri? Or--
Timothy (DM)
Specifically 10 feet behind Upri.
Russell (Upri)
So, in front of Yonce?
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, how'd they get in front... past me?
Timothy (DM)
Yes. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[shrugging their shoulders] Maybe they don't care about me. I could just leave. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Or be taken hostage.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[fearfully] Oh, nooo! [laughs] I'm also gonna rename my yklwa to Rihanna 'cause I like that better.
Helen (Panret)
[inquistively] Ree-anna?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Ree-anna, which is the proper way to say her name.
Helen (Panret)
[pleasantly surprised] Is it?!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yep. Not Ree-ahna; Ree-anna.
Russell (Upri)
Ohhh, I had no idea.
Timothy (DM)
All right, Yonccccce.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Since this person has now gotten in front of me by "magical reasons", I'm going to shoot a dart at them? Just because... or should I run? Uhhhh... I mean, they're in front of me. That's the thing, like, I can't just go "Oops, excuse me--
Timothy (DM)
Three... two... one...!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Alright, I'm gonna... I'm gonna just shoot it! Okay, fine. [Tim laughs] I got an 11. ..ruuuude.
Timothy (DM)
An 11. 11 hits!
Russell (Upri)
Oh, damn!
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yesss, so I'm gonna do a d-- it's a d-- 1d4+2. So, that's a 6.
Helen (Panret)
Of dart damage?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Of dart damage. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
You do 6 dart damage, which is... [wowed] that's a good dart throw! Yeah, they don't do a ton, usually. [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[in a Valley girl accent] I'm an amazing dart throw-errr.
Timothy (DM)
So, you throw a dart at them. They're actually going to turn around, and they are going to [sing-songy] hit you with a quarterstaffffff... [rolls dice]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh no.
Russell (Upri)
'Cause it has reach!
Timothy (DM)
[still sing-songy] --except they're notttt 'cuz they're going to misssss. [laughs] So, they're going to, like, get caught on the chairs. They're getting up and hit with the dart.
Kendrick (Yonce)
And I'm going to be like, "No, you..." and I'm going to be like, "No, you didn't just try to hit me. Okay, it's on."
Timothy (DM)
The other two pursuers are going to get up from prone, which uses half of their speed, and then they are going to Dash at you all, catching up by 30 feet mechanically.
Russell (Upri)
So, six.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Why am I in this "pursuer sandwich"?
Russell (Upri)
*winces*
Timothy (DM)
Pursuer sandwich. Mmmm, tasty. [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[as an aside] I mean, that's not the wildest thing I've ever done in my life.
Helen (Panret)
Panret.
Helen (Panret)
So, Upri and I are, like... we're right around the corner from the middle pursuer. [Tim mmhmms] Okay, can I reach them from where I'm standing right now? Because we're, like, one square diagonal.
Timothy (DM)
So, they're like 10 feet behind you.
Russell (Upri)
So, it's not literal. It's just... we're not literally running in a square.
Helen (Panret)
We're not?
Timothy (DM)
No, that's just to track it. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, 'cause the board's not long enough.
Helen (Panret)
Oh, okay.
Timothy (DM)
For the listeners, we just have a circle drawn on our whiteboard map, and that's what we're doing to track the distance run. Umm, yeah.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[pointing to the rectangular loop] It's a rectangle.
Timothy (DM)
It's super high tech.
Helen (Panret)
Panret, who is easily confused, thought it was an actual rectangle that we were-- [Helen, Tim, and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
There's music, and when it stops, you have to sit down. [all laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Now, that would be some sick shit.
Helen (Panret)
Alright, um, Panret is gonna lob an Ice Knife at this middle pursuer, who's 10 feet behind them. So, first I make a ranged spell attack--
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] You make a ranged spell attack.
Helen (Panret)
Yes, and I rolled...and I rolled an 11 and I add... [sound of things dropping] [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Dropping shit; that's a great thing--
Helen (Panret)
I'm in characterrrr!
Timothy (DM)
Yeahhh. [Helen and Kendrick laugh] [jokingly] You drop your Ice Knife...
Helen (Panret)
What do I?!?
Russell (Upri)
[jokingly] Oh no!! It explodes and hits both of us?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh my God, you are so red right now. [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
[regaining composure] Okay, so I an 11 hits. On hit, the target takes 1d10 piercing damage.
Timothy (DM)
Alright.
Helen (Panret)
9.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so they take 9 piercing damage.
Helen (Panret)
Then the shard explodes, and then they make the Dex save.
Timothy (DM)
Which is a 13, so they pass.
Helen (Panret)
Which is a 13, which passes, yes. So, the Ice Knife hits them and explodes. The knife hitting them pierces, but the shattering doesn't hurt them.
Timothy (DM)
Exactly, and then you run? [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
And then I run! How far can I run if I cast a spell?
Timothy (DM)
So, you just use your normal speed, which is 30, and I need you to roll another d20 when you do that.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, [meekly] 2.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so as you are running away, having whipped an Ice Knife at one of the pursuers, you notice that there are vines stretching across the path in front of you. Make a Dexterity saving throw, and [to the group] you'll all have to overcome this obstacle as you reach that point.
Helen (Panret)
At Panret right now?
Timothy (DM)
At Panret right now.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, my Dex saving throw was an 8.
Timothy (DM)
An 8; so, you are going to fail. So, as you do, you stumble through it, and you kind of wrap your ankle around in some of the vines. You'll need to make a Strength save on your next turn to break free.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, so I'm entangled.
Timothy (DM)
[giddy] It's Upri's turn.
Russell (Upri)
Alright, Upri is gonna shoot her chest laser beam again *PEW* at the one in between me and Yon. Make a Constitution saving throw DC 13.
Timothy (DM)
Love this. They get a nat 20. [Russell winces] 21 with their Con modifier.
Russell (Upri)
They feel a slight tickle in their behind. [Tim and Helen laugh] and then I'm going to run back the five feet and just smack 'em with Fern.
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, that was chest beam.
Helen (Panret)
That was the chest beam?.
Helen (Panret)
So, instead of doing damage, the light is flattering! [Kendrick and Tim laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Yeah, it's just like a warm tingling, like "OOo. Oh, my." [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
It lights up their face, emits a glow.
Helen (Panret)
They're like, "Wow, your skin looks great."
Russell (Upri)
That's a dirty 20.
Timothy (DM)
A dirty 20; that hits.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You're just gonna bitch-slap them?
Russell (Upri)
For 8 bludgeoning damage.
Timothy (DM)
All right. They are starting to look PRETTY battered and "bloodied", some might say, uh...
Helen (Panret)
[conspiratorily] Some! [Kendrick and Tim laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Now, you are in melee with them, so you would take an attack of opportunity if you turn around and start running.
Russell (Upri)
[definatly] Good thing they'll be dead before I leave. [Tim laughs] That's Upri's turn.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, now we're on to Yonce.
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right, now it is my turn, um...
Russell (Upri)
Yon, get over here!
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right, I'm going to Dash the fuck out of here. So--
Helen (Panret)
Is that a spell? "Dash the Fuck"?
Timothy (DM)
"Dash the Fuck" [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
That's a spell that I created. D&DBeyond, please add it to your, um, your inventory please.
Timothy (DM)
Uhhhh... stat it up, and I will... I will take a look.
Russell (Upri)
Oh my god, that would be such a fun one-shot: "D&D Spells; Wrong Answers Only--Wrong Names Only". [Kendrick laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, since my speed is 40, so, uh...
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Wink, wink,
Kendrick (Yonce)
Wink, wink. So... wait, with Dash, does that double it, though?
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, you use an action to Dash, which means you can move your speed during your action.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm just going to do that. So, that's 16 spaces on our wonderfully crafted board.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah. So, as you're passing the vines, I'm gonna need you to make a Dexterity saving throw.
Kendrick (Yonce)
That's a 4. [Russell winces]
Timothy (DM)
All right, so you move no further--
Kendrick (Yonce)
Actually, it's an 8, sorry.
Timothy (DM)
--you move no further; you get stuck in the vines.
Helen (Panret)
Panret is also stuck in the vines and looks over at you and says [cooly] "Hey". [Russell, Tim, and Kendick laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, you couldn't wait? Panret, you couldn't tell me that there were vines here; I could've yeeted over them. [someone snorts]
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Absolutely.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[sadly] We're not cool enough to say yeet. I just want us... I want... I want to get to my regular voice: "We're not cool enough to say 'yeet' [Helen and Tim laugh] but we're gonna do it anyways because we care about you guys."
Russell (Upri)
I mean, I'm mighty cool, so.... [finger gun noises] finger guns.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, we've got--
Russell (Upri)
[astonished] Oh god, is Upri a dad? [whispers] Oh my god. [laughing] She's totally a dad.
Timothy (DM)
Upri, a dad? Oh my god, no! I mean do it, but nooooo. [all laugh].
Russell (Upri)
Ok, focus.
Timothy (DM)
All right... So, we got pursuers goin' again, so Upri: they are again trying to grapple you.
Russell (Upri)
Oh righttt. I am the one they want.
Timothy (DM)
Make a Dexterity saving throw.
Russell (Upri)
A 15.
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Okay, they rolled a 5, so... you slip out of their hands.
Russell (Upri)
As a free action, can I spit in one of their faces?
Helen (Panret)
[taken aback] Wow.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[judgementally] Ooo. Mmmm,
Timothy (DM)
You, uh, may...? [laughs] I guess?
Kendrick (Yonce)
That is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Oh, [vomit sound].
Timothy (DM)
I'm not gonna stop you. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Well, I do it!
Timothy (DM)
Well, the other two catch up.
Russell (Upri)
[fearful] Oh, no! Why'd I stay and spit? [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Make another Dexterity save as they both try to grab you.
Kendrick (Yonce)
That was a delayed laugh [Editor's Note: unsure what was said here]
Russell (Upri)
14?
Timothy (DM)
One is going to grab onto you [Russell winces] Make a Strength save.
Russell (Upri)
That is with advantage 'cause I'm still raging. 15.
Timothy (DM)
All right, they got a 4. [laughs, Russell rejoices] You have just, like, a bunch of like, stinky--
Russell (Upri)
Can I say that after I--
Helen (Panret)
Like the Three Stooges?
Russell (Upri)
Yeah.
Timothy (DM)
[dying from laughter] Just like, yeah.
Russell (Upri)
How 'bout Upri holds her hand out on one of their heads while he's swinging tryin' to hit her, and then the other one, like, grabs her and she just, like, [grunt noise] shrugs it off and then, like, also flexes while she's holding the other one? [Helen laughs] She's showboatin'.
Kendrick (Yonce)
For someone who's in a life-or-death situation, you are taking your sweet ass time! [Helen laughs] You are really flexing it right now. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
She's sti-still rolling a little bit. [Editor's note: on drugs, that is] [Kendrick and Tim laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, exactly. You did almost as much as Ritt. [laughing] Panret, it is your turn.
Helen (Panret)
[spunkily, with hand on chin] It's me, Panret.
Timothy (DM)
You have to make a Strength save to get out of the vine.
Helen (Panret)
I dooo. 16
Timothy (DM)
A 16 will do it. So, you break out of the vine. You hear that it snaps as you pull against it, and you can make your way onward.
Helen (Panret)
Yeah, I'm gonna run.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, run or Dash?
Helen (Panret)
[resolutely] Dash.
Timothy (DM)
All right.
Helen (Panret)
So, I do twice my speed.
Timothy (DM)
Yep, and roll a d20.
Russell (Upri)
Oh no.
Helen (Panret)
I just forgot how numbers work [all laugh] I have two physics degrees, by the way.
Timothy (DM)
Counting: 1-2-3, 4-5-6-7-8-9. Uh, you have three more spaces to go [Russell laughs]
Helen (Panret)
And here's my Dexterity, right?
Timothy (DM)
You just do an a d20, there is a complications table.
Helen (Panret)
4.
Timothy (DM)
A 4, oooohhh. I'm gonna need you to make an Acrobatics check.
Helen (Panret)
Oh boy. [Kendrick laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] I'm sorry, I don't know why that's so funny. [laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[as a matter of fact] Panret is not graceful.
Timothy (DM)
As you are dashing, bolting on out of there (you just broke out of the vines), you are running forward, and you realize there's a bunch of hedges in front of you, [Helen laughs] and you need to jump over those things. What was your Acrobatics? [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[betrayed cry] I trusted these hedges! I got a 13 on my Acrobatics.
Timothy (DM)
A 13 will not pass. So, you are going to try to, like--
Helen (Panret)
Like hurdle it?
Timothy (DM)
--hurdle the-the shrub--
Helen (Panret)
And just wipe out?
Timothy (DM)
--and, like, wipe out and fall prone. You're prone.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I could see Pan just, like, tryin' to straddle it and just fall! Ha-HA! [Helen laughs]
Timothy (DM)
So, again, you all will have to hurdle these bushes as you get to that point. Now because I'm really good at keeping track of initiative, it really is Upri's turn this time. [Russell laughs]
Russell (Upri)
All right. Upri, surrounded by three of them is gonna say "Alright, come on, Fern. Come on baby girl; do your thing!" and then she's gonna take Fern, raise it over her head, and slam her into the ground as-- can I add some flavor to this? [Tim assents] So, roots just sporadically grow out of Fern as Upri channels her, like... a surge of Wild Magic into Fern and then, like, disrupt the ground within 10 feet around where she smashed it. DC 13 CON saves for everyone.
Timothy (DM)
[breathily] "Yay!"
Helen (Panret)
Panret watching from the hedge goes "Whoaaa". [Kendrick laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Me on the... me on the floor with the vines being like "The fuck?" [Helen laughs]
Russell (Upri)
[correcting himself] Strength save DC 13 save, yeah. Strength save.
Kendrick (Yonce)
For a monk, I swear a lot. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
All right. Two of them are gonna get knocked prone, right? [Russell agrees] Two original pursuers will be knocked prone; the other one stands their ground.
Russell (Upri)
This is the one that looks beat up, right?
Timothy (DM)
No, the one that looks beat up is on the ground. This is the new one that jumped out of the table.
Russell (Upri)
Well, hunky-dorry. Toodle-oo! [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so as you run, you're gonna take an opportunity attack... so, they are going to land a hit with their quarterstaff, and that is going to be 4 bludgeoning damage.
Russell (Upri)
Halved to 2.
Timothy (DM)
[sing-songy] Halved to 2 'cause you're in a raAaAge.
Russell (Upri)
Ooo-wheeEE!
Helen (Panret)
So, the quarterstaff just, like, kind of bounces off. [Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, pretty much--
Russell (Upri)
[enraged] Did you just poke me?!? Shit. [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
It's a tap, tap on the shoulder.
Russell (Upri)
And then I move six squares
Timothy (DM)
You move it six squares.
Russell (Upri)
And then I want to use my bonus action to spin around again before I hit the vines, which I'm sure is terrible idea and chest beam *PEW* at the one that's standin'.
Timothy (DM)
Alright,.
Russell (Upri)
DC 13 CON save.
Timothy (DM)
CON save.... they are gonna fail with an 8.
Russell (Upri)
They take 4 radiant damage and now blinded until the start of my next turn.
Timothy (DM)
Allll right. [Kendrick laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
When you eventually defeat them, take their quarterstaff; I want it. [Tim laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Oh, and retroactively when I pick Fern up off the ground, I have to, like, tug and twist her, snappin' all the roots off.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah. Got to take care of that shit.
Russell (Upri)
But, now new trees will... new little baby Ferns will grow there.
Helen (Panret)
It grows trees after you attack?
Russell (Upri)
Propagation, you know? [Tim laughs] And the blood of my enemies will also nourish the babies.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Suspension of disbelief.
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Suspension of disbelief: the name of the game. [Helen and Kendrick laugh] Yonce...
Kendrick (Yonce)
I need to get out of these vines, so what do I have to...
Timothy (DM)
Strength save, yeah.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I got a 21, so a nat 20.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, you just rip your feet out of those twisted vines--
Kendrick (Yonce)
Fuckin' vines.
Timothy (DM)
--and you are able to continue on your way.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going to Dash again, so that's sixteen space.
Timothy (DM)
So, move your 80 feet. Make that Acrobatics check as you try to clear "The Shrubs".
Helen (Panret)
That Panret is in, by the way.
Russell (Upri)
[jokingly] Yeah. Does it get progressively harder the more people get stuck in the shrubs?
Kendrick (Yonce)
What am I rolling? Sorry.
Timothy (DM)
Acrobatics.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, so that's a 19.
Timothy (DM)
A 19. [laughing] So, you clear those shrubs with ease. You're flying over the.... you see Panret just, like, trapped prone and it's just, like, sad.
Russell (Upri)
But, wait, do we see Panret who also looks like a bush, trapped in the bushes? [Helen laughs]
Timothy (DM)
[slyly] Give me a Perception check to see if you've noticed Panret.
Russell (Upri)
Noooo, we'll leave you behind!
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm gonna do it just for shits and gigs. I got a 9.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so no...you...[acting like Yonce] "uh, wait, where was... where'd Panret go? Did they get stuck?" [laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm just so focued on trying to escape at this point that I just don't notice her. Because she does so well to camouflage herself 'cause she is a tree.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so now that you have taken the lead, you get to be the one rolling on our Random Computation Table. Roll that d20.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[whiny] I don't wanna. I got a 14.
Timothy (DM)
A 14 is nothing.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yassss....sorry, that's not Yonce; that was Kendrick. [Russell laughs]
Timothy (DM)
All right. Let's move those pursuers on 30 feet, up towards Upri.
Russell (Upri)
Well, the other two are prone? Oh, but they can Dash.
Timothy (DM)
They are going to Dash, so they won't be able to make attacks on you. [Russel winces] But the little scrappy one--
Russell (Upri)
They're threatenin' m'square!
Timothy (DM)
--will try to hit you with their quarterstaff.
Russell (Upri)
[rolling eyes] Not the stick again.
Timothy (DM)
They get a 15, which hits for 4 more bludgeoning damage--
Russell (Upri)
Another 2.
Timothy (DM)
All right.
Russell (Upri)
OW! Quit pokin' me with that damn thing. [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
And it is Panret's turn. So, you are just prone, so you use half of your speed to get up.
Helen (Panret)
To get up okay. [Tim agrees]. Well, I'm worried about Upri.
Russell (Upri)
[drolly] They say lying in a bush. [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
I'm, like, looking out through the, like, branches, like, "Okay, well, I use half my speed to get up. Okay, so I'm standing. [Kendrick and Tim laugh] Ahead of me is Yonce. And way behind us--
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, quite significantly farther behind is Upri.
Helen (Panret)
--is Upri, way behind; has not even gotten to the tangly vines.
Russell (Upri)
It's just like a 100 feet.
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Hasn't had to start making Dexterity saves.
Russell (Upri)
Oh shii, I am really slow. [Kendrick and Helen laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Those tits are slowin' you down.
Russell (Upri)
Well, it's the laser beams that's coming out of them. [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
That's one impressive light show. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
*PEW PEW. PEW PEW* Gives a whole new meaning to the term "beamers."
Timothy (DM)
[in utter dismay] Nooooo. Oh noooo.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Ew. [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
I hate myself.
Timothy (DM)
This table talk is out of control this morning. [laughs] [seriously] Keep it up! [all laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] The look of pride that just came from Timothy's face.
Helen (Panret)
Panret is gonna use the rest of their speed, which is now 15, to run back towards Upri.
Russell (Upri)
Oh no.
Timothy (DM)
All right!
Helen (Panret)
Which means Panret is going to have another encounter with The Hedge. [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Yes they are!
Helen (Panret)
--But that is for future Panret. [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
And what would you like to do with your action: Dash or Attack?
Helen (Panret)
I would like to... Dash.
Timothy (DM)
All right, another 30 feet back towards Upri.
Helen (Panret)
30 feet. [yelling in the distance] "I'm helpinggggggg." [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Panret, don't! Go on! Git!
Timothy (DM)
All right, that brings us to Upri.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Maybe you should Dash.
Russell (Upri)
I was gonna run for it, but I'm gonna go pass Pan Pan, and Pan Pan is gonna get womped on, so that ain't happenin'! [Tim sighs laughingly]
Kendrick (Yonce)
In helping, you've actually hindered. [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Helen (Panret)
Wutttt? No one could've predicted.
Timothy (DM)
How often that does happen. [Helen and Tim laugh]
Russell (Upri)
I am gonna take Fern into one hand and use it to hit the most injured one, while simultaneously grabbing one of my hand axes off my belt.
Timothy (DM)
[in hushed tone] Oh God, we're out for blood now!
Russell (Upri)
So, we'll swing at the injured first. Yeah, well, I gotta protect Pan Pan now. [winces] Does a 10 hit?
Timothy (DM)
A 10 does not hit.
Russell (Upri)
Alright, I miss 'cause it's a heavy hammer and heavy swung, and then I follow up with the hand axe. Does an 18 hit?
Timothy (DM)
An 18 does hit.
Russell (Upri)
That is for 2 slashing damage as I *doot*.
Timothy (DM)
You just slashed them across the cheek.
Helen (Panret)
Paper cut; which means it REALLY hurts, but it doesn't do that much damage.
Russell (Upri)
[quickly, running out breath near the end of the sentence] Yeah I'm gonna back off and take all of the Attacks of Opportunity, try to jump over the vine, and position myself in between them and Pan Pan! [Helen laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
That's not complicated at all! [laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Three d20s being rolled!
Kendrick (Yonce)
[a quiet feminine voice] Oh yeah.
Timothy (DM)
So, fairly certain two of them miss--
Russell (Upri)
14 is my AC.
Timothy (DM)
--one of them does hit ya'. Soooo, you are going to... [laughing] of course it's the one with the fucking quarterstaff again. They're really killing it!
Kendrick (Yonce)
I think they're just attracted to you. They just want you to know that they can poke you. [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
This time they do 3 damage, halved to 1.
Russell (Upri)
ARGH, would you quit it with that FUCKING stick? Jesus! [Helen laughs] Oh, wait, I mean, 'Melora' I don't know, uh...
Timothy (Q'staff Enemy)
[dimly] Who's Jesus?
Helen (Panret)
You can keep talking, I think--
Russell (Upri)
'Yog!' No, that's, uh... Freya? [Timothy laughs] All right, then I move 30--
Kendrick (Yonce)
We are not a religious bunch.
Timothy (DM)
Yeah, make your Dexterity save as you are running over these vines.
Russell (Upri)
Dirty 20.
Timothy (DM)
Dirty 20 will do it. You deftly *doot-doot-doot-doot* over the vines; most of them have been broken by your other two party members [Kendrick and Russell laugh] and you are running.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, that's nice. Somebody cleared these for me! [Kendrick and Tim laugh] Pan Pan, go on, get! Turn around; we gotta get out of here!
Helen (Panret)
Oh, I thought you needed help.
Russell (Upri)
Nah, I mean, I'm a'ight. So, I appreciate... I appreciate your concern, but-but also we gotta get.
Helen (Panret)
This is the conversation we have while sprinting away from pursuers!
Kendrick (Yonce)
And Yonce's like "Are y'all okay back there? We gotta go." [Helen and Kendrick laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Just keep running, Yon! We're right behind you!
Timothy (DM)
And it is Yonce's turn.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Alright, hearing that, I'm just gonna, like, continue Dashing, which is... [sighs] okay, that's 16 spaces on our board. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8--
Timothy (DM)
That's 80 feet, and roll that d20.
Kendrick (Yonce)
9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16
Helen (Panret)
[proud] You successfully counted to 16.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] I got a 10!
Timothy (DM)
Okay, so you are going to make a Strength (Athletics) or Dexterity (Acrobatics) check: your choice.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I want to do Acrobatics because that is higher.
Timothy (DM)
--because now there are "Thorn Bushes." Oooooh, spicy bushes. [all laugh]
Timothy (DM)
uWu!
Russell (Upri)
uWu!
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughs] I got a 4. Every rose has its thorn. That looks like my hair this morning; I'm kidding, I'm bald.
Helen (Panret)
Your hair is like this long. [holds fingers slightly apart]
Timothy (DM)
This is going to count as 5 feet of difficult terrain.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh no.
Timothy (DM)
--Which means you basically just move 5 feet less.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[vocalizing like that "Oh no no no" meme] Oh, no, no, no, no, nooooo.
Russell (Upri)
[fake baby voice] Oh, no, 35 feet, wahhh.
Helen (Panret)
So, you just kind of, like, wade through them like [discomfort oohs and ahhs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm gonna as your... as I'm doing that, I'm gonna be like, "There's some thorns over here. Be careful."
Timothy (DM)
But as you're doing this, you see, like, the edge of the village... you're running towards the residences. You're, like, almost there; you see that there are people starting to line up along the edge of the village, and behind you 20 feet, two more pursuers--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[groans] Fuck my drag.
Timothy (DM)
--pop out from behind a tree. [Tim and Helen laugh]
Russell (Upri)
Shit. I yell from really... like, 100 feet away, "Yon, wait, you forgot the bacon!" [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
[in fake melodrama] Oh no, not the bacon. [all laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yon's gonna be like, "I guess I don't want the bacon that badly" as a singular tear falls from my eyes... but I still have some bacon in my pack, so... actually, I think I put all the bacon in my pack, so that tear reverses itself through magic. [laughs] once I remember. [laughs] A singular thug tear.
Timothy (DM)
All right, all our pursuers are gonna move their 30 feet towards people, but the pursuers also have to make Dexterity saves. So, let's see what they do. The original pursuers are going to pass, making it past the vines, but our quarterstaff fella is gonna get caught.
Russell (Upri)
[vindicated] Yeah, fuck you and your stick.
Timothy (DM)
And the two new people that popped out from behind a tree are going to catch up to Yonce [Yonce winces] so let's make some grapples on Upri: do your DEX save.
Russell (Upri)
3.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so one of them is going to jump on you, latch on: do your Strength.
Russell (Upri)
Dirty 20; it was with advantage. The other one was a nat 1. Thank God! [sigh of relief]
Timothy (DM)
I was so close!
Russell (Upri)
Oh, yeah, like 19?
Timothy (DM)
I got a 19!
Russell (Upri)
OHMYGOD! [Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (DM)
So, again, you just shove them off--
Timothy (DM)
--but the other two pursuers are actually going to attack Yonce [Kendrick winces] So... one of them is going to land a hit, and that is going to be for 1 bludgeoning damage.
Helen (Panret)
They just keep tryin'.
Russell (Upri)
Get outta here, rascal!
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm a psychic 'cause I was like "Please let it be 1. Please let it be 1." [Tim laughs] I'm gonna be like, [a la the "Charlie Bit My Finger" meme] "Oww, that really hurt, Charlie."
Russell (Upri)
[confused] Wuttt? [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm going old school with the references today.
Timothy (DM)
What a throwback. What a fuckin' throwback.
Helen (Panret)
Just in case you didn't realize we're all millennials.
Timothy (DM)
We're all millenials, so if you are not a millennial, um--
Russell (Upri)
Or as dumb as right Russell as Upri who doesn't get the reference.
Timothy (DM)
--visit the onset of YouTube, and there you go.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Search "Charlie Bit My Finger." [in a British voice] "Ow, Charlie bit me"
Timothy (DM)
Which has probably been re-uploaded like hundreds of thousands of times at this point.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Most likely.
Helen (Panret)
[genuinely] I like to think that we're a Zoomer-friendly podcast. [Tim stiffles laughter]
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] We could try.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You mean like the show Zoom? [Tim laughs]
Helen (Panret)
No, like the shorthand for Generation Z.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Oh, I like Zoom better. [singing] "Come on and Zoom. Come on and Zoom".
Russell (Upri)
Did they approve of that? [all laugh]
Helen (Panret)
W-we can move on from this.
Timothy (DM)
We can...we can move on. We--
Russell (Upri)
Or is like the Boomers tryin' to call them Zoomers back 'cause that's what it sounds like.
Kendrick (Yonce)
"This will be on our Patreon page..." [laughs]
Russell (Upri)
Anyway...
Helen (Panret)
I just got us canceled.
Timothy (DM)
[singsongy] Canceledddd. [normally] It's okay. Because if you get canceled, nothing actually happens.
Helen (Panret)
That's true! [Tim laughs] In fact, I might actually MAKE money.
Timothy (DM)
You make money; you get a new platform. [Helen laughs] Um, Panret, it's your turn.
Helen (Panret)
Okay, so Panret has hastily realized their mistake and is gonna turn in Dash back towards the hedge. All right. So, here we go. Round 2
Timothy (DM)
Make that Acrobatics check to clear The Hedge. [Kendrick laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[wryly as the Hedge] "Back for more?"
Timothy (DM)
You definitely could go around, but like, this is D&D.
Helen (Panret)
He got a 7.
Timothy (DM)
A 7. Prone again! [Kendrick and Russell laugh] If you still have movement, you can still spend half of it to get up and go.
Helen (Panret)
I have... let's see: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9. Okay, Panret falls but has just enough gas left in the tank to scramble back upwards and is standing in the hedge [Kendrick laughs] looking proud of themselves. [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
I'm just visualizing it, like, you just legit trying to hop over the bush, and you just fall in the middle of it. [Helen, Kendrick and Tim laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Like the cartoon jump where you... you go to jump over something and stop midair and just cannonball down. Just straight down. [Helen laughs] It is Upri's turn.
Russell (Upri)
Alright.
Helen (Panret)
You hear [in a distant yell] "I did it!"
Russell (Upri)
D--, can I distinguish Panret from the rest of the bush? [laughing] Or try to hear just somebody's voice?
Timothy (DM)
Now that they're standing, probably.
Russell (Upri)
Okay.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You used to do a thumbs up?
Timothy (DM)
Wait, you said you were 5', 5'2"?
Helen (Panret)
I'm fivveee... teah, 5'2". Smallish.
Timothy (DM)
Okay, so you probably get over the bush a little bit. Yeah, yeah. It's not a six foot bush.
Helen (Panret)
Right. You know, as I say, "it's not a six foot bush." [Tim and Kendrick laugh]
Timothy (DM)
Y'know, common phrases around the campfire.
Timothy (DM)
[crying] So, who's turn is it. Someone please stop me.
Russell (Upri)
Okay, right, uh.... I'm gonna be spicy and Upri's just going to run and then Dash, not Disengage. So, "Go on and hit me."
Timothy (DM)
Okay, so only two of them. They're gonna miss; both of them missed. Make your Acrobatics hedge [Tim laughs] the fucking hedge. What did you get?
Russell (Upri)
That's a 4. Do I... do I fall on Pan Pan?
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] You fall right next to Pan Pan.
Helen (Panret)
Panret looks down at Upri. [coolly] "Hey."
Russell (Upri)
[befuddled by the circumstances] Whuh-whuh. Huhh? [Helen laughs]
Helen (Panret)
[in character] "You can use half of movement speed to get back up if you still have it."
Timothy (DM)
Yes, Panret says this, so meta.
Russell (Upri)
Uh, I think I'll just lay here for a minute. I was poked a lot today. [Helen and Kendrick laugh]
Helen (Panret)
"Like actually, I'm just gonna... "
Russell (Upri)
Just gonna vibe for a second in this bush.
Helen (Panret)
--"Gonna have a moment."
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] Okay... Yonce.
Kendrick (Yonce)
I have a quick question. So, I... one of my actions in combat is Two Weapon Fighting. Can I use a dart and my Rihanna? [Tim laughs]
Timothy (DM)
Yeah! That's technically how that works. I'm pretty sure.
Russell (Upri)
[from the hedge] So, for an offhand weapon, you don't add your bonus damage modifier. So, you don't add your bonus DEX to the damage; you just roll the dice flat. So, use the higher damage weapon in your main hand.
Timothy (DM)
Or, like, you know, whatever you feel 'cause you really made a character that was super, like, uh--
Kendrick (Yonce)
[defensively] Amazing.
Timothy (DM)
Amazing, and unbalanced and [breaks into laughter]
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, the DM is really throwing shade right here [Russell and Tim laugh] and as "talent", I don't HAVE to deal with this. Yonce can just evaporate. I'm kidding.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, Misty Step?
Kendrick (Yonce)
All right, since... I'm gonna have my-my Rihanna in my main hand, and I'm going to hit one of them, and that is a dirty 20.
Timothy (DM)
That hits.
Kendrick (Yonce)
With 7 damage.
Russell (Upri)
That's a minus one?
Timothy (DM)
Alright, that's a pretty good hit.
Kendrick (Yonce)
Yeah.
Russell (Upri)
[cackles]
Kendrick (Yonce)
[defensively to Russell] Hey!
Russell (Upri)
Wait, so then if that was in your offhand, would that then do more damage because you wouldn't have the modifier? Because the modifier is negative, right? IS THAT HOW THAT WORKS? I've never come across that!
Timothy (DM)
Honestly, I have nooooo idea. I mean, I'm sure all our listeners have noticed: I am not great with the rules. So, we're gonna roll with it. That's how it works. That's how it works.
Kendrick (Yonce)
So, apparently, my character is, like, awesome and breaking all the D&D rules.
Timothy (DM)
[slightly sassy] Yeah... what's new? [Kendrick and Russell laugh]
Kendrick (Yonce)
And then [laughs] woOOwwww, okay, we're really gonna go there. All right.
Timothy (DM)
[sing-songy] Good morninggggg.
Kendrick (Yonce)
--the fight will be on the Patreon page. [Tim laughs] So, with my-my weaker hand, I'm going to just shoot a dart at the other person.
Helen (Panret)
Is this like a... like a blowdart? What is this?
Kendrick (Yonce)
Lets... you can use your imagination because I haven't really thought of it.
Timothy (DM)
I think they're supposed to be like throwing darts, like when you're at a bar and you...
Helen (Panret)
Oh, gotcha.
Russell (Upri)
Like a lawn dart. [Tim laughs]
Kendrick (Yonce)
But I'm gonna throw it like Spider Man like [fwip sound] 'cuz I'm that cool. Um, I got a 6.
Russell (Upri)
I just picture Yonce pulling bedazzled Lawn Darts, throwing 'em like hell.
Timothy (DM)
[laughing] What did you get?
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughing] A 6.
Timothy (DM)
A 6 is not gonna hit.
Russell (Upri)
Oh, no, he messed up the aerodynamics with them jewels.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[laughs] I'm like "Gotta take those off. I stoned each one of them by hand" of my limited darts.
Timothy (DM)
Alright, so where are we at? We're at the pursuers--
Helen (Panret)
The bad guys.
Timothy (DM)
Um, so the ones still has to make their Strength save to get out the vines. They're gonna succeed; they rolled a 19, again, and so everybody makes it 30 fee,t and we're gonna do our attacks on Yonce.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[congenially] You don't have to.
Timothy (DM)
[thinking] Mmmm. I would like to. So, one's gonna miss, the other is going to crit.
Kendrick (Yonce)
You're choosing violence today.
Russell (Upri)
[Helen gasps] Oh noooo.
Kendrick (Yonce)
[not groking the critical hit] Wait, what? Huh?
Timothy (DM)
We're gonna crit!
Russell (Upri)
[still horizontal, chanting from the hedge] First character death! First character death!
Timothy (DM)
We're gonna crit. We're gonna crit on you with a quarterstaff.
Russell (Upri)
Oh no, you're gonna... you're gonna get poked real hard. [all laugh] Oh NO! Why did I say that?!?
Timothy (DM)
We're gonna poke you real hard. [Russell winces, Kendrick laughs]
Timothy (DM)
And that is where we will put a pause on today's story. Thank you all for joining us for a plunge into the abyss. I hope you all enjoyed this episode of Shadows of Prophecy. Join us next time to find out becomes our var unfortunate players in this most dreadful act.
Timothy (DM)
Shout out to my brother known as the chill electronic vapor soul artist LUSQ for writing our chillingly epic theme song; editing by Scrubcast; and a big shout out to Syrinscape for some amazing atmosphere and music. Make sure you check them out at syrinscape.com. I always use them at my game table, and it adds that little something special to bring your players into the story. Also, please follow us on Twitter @ShadowsProphecy and Instagram @shadows_of_prophecy. And hey, show us some support by becoming one of our fabulous patrons at patreon.com/shadowsofprophecy, where you can get access to bonus content like handouts, encounter maps, and even adventure guides to run your own horrific campaigns or one-shots. And at the very least, give us a five star review on your podcast platform of choice. This is how we get the word out about our podcast and we love sharing it with you all. Thank you, and tune in next time for more tales of dread and despair at Shadows of Prophecy