EP0008 – Jirelli’s Convenience

The signal isn’t coming from the other tapes. I know it isn’t- I’m sure of it. 

Written and produced by Kale Brown. Artwork by Kale Brown. 

The Jirelli’s Convenience jingle stars both the voice of and music composed by Amy Y. (@achill3a).

Starring [REDACTED] as DJ Pinch Roller.

All music and sound effects used are available under a CC0 license or with permission. Music was ‘Sphere’ by Andrew Kn and ‘Growin Crops on the Side of a Hill’ by Sex is for Parents. [LOUD EERIE NOISE] was ‘Sci-fi Ambient Drone’ by Niedec. 

Visit us on Twitter at @sinkholepodcast or visit the website at sinkholepodcast.com. 

Transcript

INTRO: [Someone inhales deeply; their inhale has a distant, echoing quality to it. A strange, rattling sound grows in volume and speed before fading into eerie, warbling music. There’s a strange crackling sound. The voice whispers “Sinkhole.” The pitch and speed of the music drop, fading into the next track.]

[A low, slow hum fills the background. The melody is subtle and largely ambient.]

The signal’s not coming from the other tapes. 

Or, at least, not from the other tapes I have. 

I suppose it’s still possible it could be coming from other tapes in the Sink, but I don’t think so, it feels counterintuitive- and yeah, this whole situation is counterintuitive, the Hole itself is counterintuitive, the fact that more than half my head is a… a fucking portal to an alien starscape is counterintuitive, but it’s because everything is like this that I feel like if it’s not coming from these tapes, it’s not coming from any of the tapes. 

I don’t think it’s coming from anything in the Sink- I think it’s coming from the Hole. 

I can explain why, so bear with me.  

Some of you sent me some really excellent tools and tips to help me on my way, and I was combing through different tapes yesterday to see if I could find something that sounded familiar- apparently if you know what you’re listening for, it’s easier to know if what you’re doing to isolate the signal is working.

This is what I came across yesterday. 

[sound of a phone screen being unlocked with a PIN]

I’ll play the clip inside the recording this time, since so many of you wanted to listen to it… with me. I get it, it’s like a… reaction video type thing- I guess some things never really change- but be aware that because I’m playing it on my phone, it’s not going to sound as crisp. 

I’ll attach the audio itself to the post data so you can listen to it properly. 

This is the one- this is the clip.

[indistinct jingle plays under the sound of a crowd, slightly apart from the microphone]

I was listening to this and I kept going, “something about this sounds so familiar.” It was so familiar I kept thinking it had to be something really well-known, but I couldn’t find anything online that matched up- and then it just sort of… clicked.

[indistinct jingle plays again]

[singing along, poorly and a little bit flat] “Jirelli’s Convenience, at Innes and Main- think of the time that you’ll save!”

I remember this.

This is Jirelli’s Convenience jingle. I remember it because I remember thinking how weird it was that a convenience store had a jingle on the radio… in a time where radio already wasn’t really the optimal place for advertising. 

I remember it because I actually went out of my way to walk by Jirelli’s once, just out of curiosity, and that’s how I realized it was… literally next to the CPPL radio broadcasting station. Like the next lot over. 

I never asked, but I have to assume there was some deal going on there for free coffee or something. 

Once I realized what I was listening to, finding the original audio online was easy. 

[clearer jingle plays] Jirelli’s Convenience, at Innes and Main- think of the time that you’ll save!

At this point, I was like… I know for a fact none of these tapes have the Jirelli’s jingle on them, and I know the Jirelli’s jingle isn’t still broadcasting, because Jirelli’s fell into the Sinkhole.

I know it did because I was on Innes and Nelson when the Hole opened up. Jirelli’s is gone, and so is CPPL radio. 

But, you know, it’s online, obviously- I’m not sure how that translates to finding its way onto one of these tapes, but we know it’s out there in the world.

Which is why the thing that has me convinced these signals are not coming from anywhere in the Sink is this:

[this audio is slightly distorted, with faint traces of the previous chatter still detectable, but substantially clearer than when previously played]

DJ Pinch Roller: Hello, hello, hello and welcome back to the Poop Deck, your unjammed signal pouring out parts unknown in crystal clear Dolby Stereo. 

[the speaker shifts, bringing the phone closer to the microphone]

It’s a cloudy night here in the city and we’ve got enough cover to bounce past the limits to you chop set freaks in the great green dark.

This is your galley rat, Pinch Roller, bringing you hiss-head hedonists freshly unearthed treasure from the caves, as well as newly-coiled chaos like this one from basement operator Quartz Crusher! [fumbling with interface]

[Growin’ Crops on the Side of a Hill plays] 

This is what I played in my last post. I can’t take credit for isolating it- one of you asked me for the audio and sent it back to me like this. 

I remember this guy. I know who this is.

I think I actually met him once or twice. I definitely had friends who knew him. 

He ran an unlicensed radio station out of a studio apartment on McVey, but nobody ever really bothered trying to shut him down because he only ever played submissions sent to him by local musicians, never anything copyrighted. I think he kept it going for… god, five or six years? 

And the only reason it stopped is… because his building fell into the Sinkhole.

[EERIE SOUND]

A lot more than a hundred-and-twelve people fell into the Hole when it opened up, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that this guy isn’t one of the ones who came back out, because the first thing we did when we were put into quarantine during the Fling was figure out who knew who. 

Any copies of this guy’s broadcasts that might’ve existed fell into the Hole with him. His broadcast range was tiny- a couple of blocks on a good day- and he didn’t prerecord anything, didn’t write anything down, didn’t have an email, wouldn’t even take digital submissions- you had to send him physical media for him to play your shit, like literally send him a mixtape. There is a zero percent chance that he was secretly recording his broadcasts and uploading them.

I don’t think he even had internet. 

So the chances of someone just happening to have a recording of this guy’s broadcasts are… astronomically small, and if someone did, it’d be… a cellphone recording, not a tape. 

I don’t know if it’s one signal or a bunch, but I know it’s not coming from the tapes. 

It’s coming from the Hole. 

I don’t know how that’s possible or what it means, but… I don’t see what else it could be. 

I mean, obviously I could be overlooking something and there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this, but if there is, I’m not seeing it.

I think people tend to forget this, but before the Hole opened up, there was a part of the city there- and I lived in it for a long time. I remember what it was like. 

I remember complaining about how drivers would stop their cars halfway across the crosswalk in front of the JMB. I remember going to the Jewish bakery on Montgomery on my walk home from work. I remember when the city sent riot police to disperse protestors in front of the prominently “one-woman, one-man” evangelical church that opened over on First.

I remember that one really well. 

I knew that neighbourhood. I knew those people. 

And I know, as crazy as it sounds, that these things, these signals- they’re sounds from that part of the city. Like hearing a distant heartbeat. 

Um.

That’s everything I’ve got for you today.

I’ll update when I’ve got more.

Stay safe and try not to fall into any holes. 

[The ambient music fades into the next track.]

[An eerie, warbling music akin to the opening music plays, rising in volume and then slowing and quieting.]