Building Healthy Relationships: A Sober Love Story

In this episode of the Soberoso podcast, titled "Building Healthy Relationships: A Sober Love Story," we delve deep into an inspiring journey of love and transformation with our guests Alex and Shayne, joining us from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Both have made their way from turbulent pasts characterized by toxic relationships to a place of healing and growth, where they cultivate a healthy, nurturing partnership grounded in sobriety and spiritual alignment.

Host Dora facilitates this intimate conversation, revealing how Alex and Shayne harnessed the power of 12-step recovery to dismantle destructive patterns and build a relationship that thrives on honesty, self-love, and shared values. Their story is a testament to the transformative impact of recovery programs and the essential role of spirituality in fostering genuine, resilient connections.

Listen as Alex and Shayne candidly share their experiences, explore the challenges they've overcome, and offer insights into maintaining a loving partnership while embracing the ongoing journey of self-discovery and emotional healing. Their message is a beacon of hope for anyone striving to find love and balance amidst the complexities of life after addiction.

For those looking to connect with Alex and Shayne, or to learn more about their compelling journey of love and recovery, please feel free to send them an email at:

soberactivecanada@gmail.com
shaynebonenfant0524@gmail.com

Transcript

S4-13 Building Healthy Relationships: A Sober Love Story
Alex: [00:00:00] Those are the two most important relationships, right? Because until you can love yourself, you can't love anybody else. 
Host: Dora: Hello, beautiful peeps, and welcome to the Soberoso podcast, where we celebrate life in recovery. I'm your host, I walked away from 30 years of drinking and drugging. After years of chaos and self destruction, by the grace of God, I found my way into a life of recovery.
Host: Dora: This podcast is for anyone seeking not just sobriety, But also the healing and growth that follows. Whether you're just starting your journey, feeling stuck, or looking for a supportive community, you've found your peeps. Each week we share real stories and tips to help you live a fulfilling life through the healing journey.
Host: Dora: Join us now in sharing our passion for recovery. All right, welcome back to another episode of the Soberoso [00:01:00] podcast. This is an exciting one. It's a, it's an interview I've been looking forward to for quite some time. Today, we are talking with not one, but two guests. Each of whom I've met on separate occasions and they have come together in their recovery journey and are now a sober couple.
Host: Dora: So today we are going to be touching down on what healthy relationships look like in recovery And we're going to be catching up with Alex who some of you may have heard her story back in 2020 I believe that interview was called work hard, party hard. So if you want to know more about Alex after this interview, be sure to go back and check that one out.
Host: Dora: It was a good one. And we are also speaking with her honey bunny, Shayne and Shayne is another incredible man that I have met, um, in Vancouver. He's a friend of Bill W. We're all friends of Bill W. [00:02:00] here. Bill Ward guy, so shout out to Bill Ward. And, uh, Shayne is on fire for Recovery. He's doing wonderful things spreading the message, spreading the word.
Host: Dora: Working the 12 steps and sharing it with, um, First Nations on reservations. He's uniquely qualified to do that. And today we are going to get into them and their love story. So let's get into it.
Host: Dora: Alex aShayneane, welcome to the show. 
Alex: Thank you. Very grateful and honored to be here. Yeah. Thank you, Dora. Um, I always, uh, enjoy, uh, being on your platform and thank you, uh, for this opportunity to let us, um, carry the message and, uh, hustle some of that hope, uh, on your, on your podcast this morning. 
Host: Dora: All right, guys.
Host: Dora: So today we're going to be talking a little bit about, uh, sober relationships, healthy relationships versus toxic ones. And hopefully we'll be able to instill some hope [00:03:00] for you guys that, you know, in today's day and age, there's so much bullshit out there. There's so much stuff about toxicity, about, there's just so much negative in the world.
Host: Dora: So we're here to let you know that it's not all negative and you can strive for better. You can hope for more, you can want the best for yourself, and you can find that out there. especially if you're walking a life of recovery. So Shayne, let's start with you. Why don't you tell us what's a memory you might hold of a toxic scenario?
Host: Dora: Maybe you repeated when you were drinking and drugging with relationships. 
Shayne: Um, I was the same in most all my relationships from, from the young age of, of, of 14. Um, I grew up in an alcoholic, domestic violence household, who's through my grandfather, he was the alcoholic, um, very angry, very violent man. [00:04:00] Um, disliked a man, hated him all my, all my youth, but at 14, I turned into him.
Shayne: So the toxic kind of things that I've, I've, I've lived in and been through and have done. were exactly what my grandfather was. I started drinking at the young age of 12 and 14, I turned in, I was already an alcoholic, domesticating, controlling, manipulating, using, um, young, young boy. That was my relationships from, from then till I came into recovery.
Host: Dora: Wow. Yeah. That's a really young age to, uh, Not only start drinking, but to realize that, uh, you had a problem at 14. 
Alex: Yeah. 
Host: Dora: Did you realize at that age, or was it only in hindsight looking back that you realized, wow. 
Shayne: Yes, in hindsight, for sure. Um, it was just a [00:05:00] normal, normal life. It's how I was raised. It's what I, what those, those behaviors, values, and beliefs that were instilled in me in my household, in the environment I grew up in.
Shayne: It was just normal. That's how you acted. That's how you treated. This is, that was life. So yeah, I was in hindsight, um, as I cleared my brain and, and cleaned up the past and looked at all those things and, and started changing up those behaviors, values, and beliefs, then did I only see that, oh my God, I was that, that kind of person.
Shayne: Disgusting, destructive, ignorant man, person, boy. 
Host: Dora: All right. And Alex, how about yourself? Do you want to tell us a little bit about some toxic behaviors? 
Alex: I guess, you know, if I go back to the very beginning, um, of my using and bruising, right, and God bless his soul, he couldn't find this better way of living for himself, um, when he was here, but, um, you know, I have, I struggled, like, the further I got into recovery, the [00:06:00] Um, I started identifying obviously the underlying issues and the childhood traumas and everything that would have led, the whys underneath the whys of what would have led me to drugging and drinking, you know, um, and, and I have all the addictions and I think, you know, when I go back to it now, you know, obviously my dad not being a, um, a constant presence in my life and my daddy abandonment issues definitely led me from a very young age.
Alex: To, um, be attracted, um, to older men from a very, very young age and to try to always fill that void and have that male figure and that male presence in my life that I never had, um, up until recovery. And we'll get into this too. And in recovery, um, you know, all my relationships up until this point, until Shayne have been.
Alex: highly toxic, um, very, very harmful and unhealthy dynamics. Um, when I go back to it to, you know, in terms of my using and my [00:07:00] boozing, you know, I always go to it and then, you know, I have sex, love, emotional addiction as well. Um, porn addiction, you name it. But, um, when I look back on it, you know, my 28 years.
Alex: Um, in full throes of, you know, the latter part in full throes of active addiction and acute alcoholism. Um, you know, it was a culmination of 28 years of a complete lack of self respect for myself. Complete lack of self love, self love, so therefore, you know, In the process, in the process of myself, my very self using and abusing my very self, demoralizing myself, degrading myself on my own in that process, you know, so that lack of self respect, um, so therefore, nor did I give it in turn, nor did I demanded or commanded in turn, as I got into recovery, you know, seven and a half years ago, and started getting to that point of self love, because obviously for me, you know, The goal is not to, [00:08:00] uh, not to be clean and or sober.
Alex: It's to get to that point of self love, to love ourselves enough to live lives unaddicted, whatever that vice may be, whatever that people, place, or thing may be, whatever activity that may be, whatever substance that may be, you know, everything, everything can be an addiction if my mind is not of sound and clear mind, you know, I'll take it there.
Alex: Um, so, so when I go back to that, you know, I really go back now to, seeing where I was always seeking that male companionship or that male figure in my life because of, you know, the, the, the presence of the lacking presence of my father as I was growing up. Um, so that's a bit about there. And then like, I know we'll touch on it later, but I do want to get into, you know, just because I've been in recovery and until I went into narcissistic abuse recovery, because I was still attracting the same type of man in my life, even in up until Shayne, you know, 
Host: Dora: I know so well.
Host: Dora: I [00:09:00] mean, uh, Alex, you're, you're really hitting home for, for me and the way you carry yourself and vocalize everything is like, I'm just like, yes, yes, check, check, check. Wow. Um, so first of all, I just want to reiterate a little bit. So it sounds like, you know, even though, um, Alex has been in recovery for quite some time and Shayne has as well in Alex's situation, you know, Um, I just want to clarify for anybody that might be at the beginning stages of getting clean and sober.
Host: Dora: I think there's this illusion often in the beginning that if we just put the plug in the jug or if we just stop drinking and drugging, um, everything else will magically fall into place and in my own experience, um, That's, that's not the situation. You know, that's a fantastic start. Don't get me wrong. I mean, don't, uh, don't let me deter you from starting because that is the [00:10:00] beginning, but.
Host: Dora: You know, after we have, we have some clean and sober days, uh, under our belt, and, and we're not fighting, picking up the drink or doing the drugs, there is a lot of stuff, a lot of, um, a lot of trauma, a lot of stuff in the past that, that we have to deal with, and in Alex's situation, it sounds like, you know, she continued to fill the void.
Host: Dora: And that, that was a lot of my story too. And we will get into it, Alex, my picker was off in recovery from the get go, you know, I feel you in that. So Shayne, what's your soberversary? 
Shayne: July 9th, 2020. 
Host: Dora: 2020. Okay. So you're coming up on five years and Alex, you've got about seven years.
Alex: I have seven and a half, I'll hit eight years, April 22nd. Um, you know, and I don't, uh, call it my soberversary, and we'll get into that too, you know, recovery is a transformative [00:11:00] process for me, and like what you had just mentioned, right? Um, abstinence is but one component. Um, when I start looking at recovery as a transformative process, it's about uncovering, discovering, and recovering myself on a daily basis.
Alex: Hashtag 
Shayne: good word. Hashtag God dope.
Alex: And it's about relearning and unlearning and relearning everything I've come to to this point, right? And that has to be worked on the daily, you know, mind, body, and soul for me. And um, so I don't call it, you know, that woman I once was, uh, previous to April 22nd, 2017. And that, uh, life that I once lived previous to to April 22nd, 2017 completely ceased to exist in that moment.
Alex: I don't even look the same that I did back then. I think everybody if you've seen me on my own personal page and stuff my transformation journey I don't even physically look like the same woman so for me, it's not my clean date. It's not my dry date. It's not my sober date [00:12:00] It's absolutely my rebirth date and that would be April 22nd, 2017 
Host: Dora: Yeah, girl, I love it.
Host: Dora: And that's the day before my birthday. So congratulations to you. Wow, I love it. And you know what? I love everything you just said there, Alex. You know, some people get really hung up on the recovery date. Like some people say, Oh, I don't have one, or I don't believe like it's for me. I mean, I have a date, December 2nd, 2018.
Host: Dora: Shayne, you have a date, Alex, you have a date. Some people, The date throws them off, but for me, like, yeah, my life changed. And sure, I have, I guess, you know, walking away from drinking and drugging, that is the only date that can be affirmative in my recovery. Because you know what, I still deal with emotional, trauma and upset, emotional sobriety, I still, um, might, in ways that I [00:13:00] used to act before.
Host: Dora: And I just, I can't nail that down to a date, right? Otherwise I'd be caught, I'd be going back to zero way too often. I mean, not so much nowadays, you know, as far as I am in now, but you know, that. For me, the recovery date, like you said, that is a date to start from, you know, we are not the same people that we were when we put the drugs and alcohol away.
Alex: I think what you just hit on, and the importance of it, and again, recovery being a transformative process and not about, and you know, you had been explaining it so eloquently earlier too, it's not about just putting the plug in the jug or, or stop picking up and you saying, okay, yes, I'll be, that's, that's a great start, you know, but that's just abstinence, right?
Alex: But you know, we got clean and or sober. It doesn't mean that life is not still fucking happening to us. Life's still life. You know, I'm not immune to life's injustices and unfairness. I'm not immune to the ebbs and flows of life. I'm not immune to all the chaos and noise out there. [00:14:00] However, today I have the tools and the solution to be able to emotionally cope with life on life's terms, whether I agree or disagree or whether I like or, or dislike those terms or conditions or not, you know, my higher power sometimes, but if we don't get tested, we don't get focused.
Alex: Um, that's what I always say and my higher powers always sending me a clear and loud message, you know, and life no longer happening to me, but for me. So the question then becomes what lesson do I need to derive from the situation? You know, I'm no longer a victim or a prisoner of my own circumstances.
Host: Dora: Exactly. Well put. All right, Shayne, how are you doing, buddy? 
Shayne: Doing great. Doing great, yeah. I really like what Alex just said there. Um, if we don't get tested, we don't get focused. And in my experience, and we touched on this, the relationships and recovery. Just because I put the fucking plug in the jug.
Shayne: And I [00:15:00] got clean. Um, I had to get tested, in my recovery in relationships. It's, truly the most work I've done on myself has been in relationships and recovery. 
Shayne: I was a broken little boy with some messed up beliefs and values and traumatic things that I've done and that's, that's been done to me.
Shayne: So yeah, I had to get tested. So. I've been in a handful of relationships in the six years I've been in recovery. My, my date is July 9th, but I came into recovery a year and a half prior to that in 2018. And I was told immediately, you should wait or we'll help, bro. Wait six months a year before you jump into a relationship.
Shayne: Um, you're a broken boy and you need to heal and learn these things. I gave it six months and then. That broken little boy just needed to be loved , and wanted. And, uh, I also deal with deep codependency issues. So I didn't listen, but I don't think it was a [00:16:00] bad thing either. I think most of us, a big percentage of us, and I've worked with many, many, many men and women in this program.
Shayne: And. Not many stay sober for a year or stay out of relationships for that first year or two. For me, it was a good thing because I kept my people close. I kept these values and this honesty and being vulnerable and the pillars and my sponsor close to me and continuing to try to do God's work and keep God close to me.
Shayne: Every relationship, almost broke me, almost sent me back out, almost emotionally, mentally cracked me and it only didn't because I kept my recovery family close. I kept these amazing people that gave me the right advice close to me and I kept doing the things that wanted me to do. And more so building my character, making those hard choices, stepping away from relationships that were getting [00:17:00] toxic or when I seen these things within myself coming up in these relationships and being vulnerable and honest to, to my people, my, my people, um, in that time and still today is, is one of my, one of my best friends and my boss, Bill Ward.
Shayne: He helped me tremendously through, through almost every relationship I've been in, in recovery and, and I'm grateful for that because without being vulnerable and honest and having those 12 step God centered people in my life, I almost guarantee you I would have got high or drunk. 
Alex: Um, 
Shayne: relationships have been the most struggled, hardest thing I've, I've had to face in recovery.
Shayne: So, um, yes, I had to go through those things to get refocused and to, to learn what not to do. And I grew so much, you know, I learned so much more about that broken little boy, um, being in those relationships that I don't think I would have learned if I was just sober and in recovery and dealing with, with the things, right?
Shayne: Yes. Uh, I dealt with a lot of things, [00:18:00] but. Those things weren't really revealed until I actually got into that relationship and felt that jealousy, felt that insecurity, felt those fears hold me back. Um, 
Host: Dora: yeah, 
Shayne: so that's, I want to touch on that. 
Host: Dora: Good, good points. And I too, just want to touch on that point.
Host: Dora: Those points too is that, if you are listening to this episode right now and you're early in recovery, because a lot of this podcast, we do have our followers, but we do have a lot of people that are, um, you know, just wondering, and they're still on the fence and we're planting seeds of hope here, guys.
Host: Dora: So if you are in early stage of recovery, you know, that is something that we hear in the rooms, wait a year. And I too am guilty of that. I went into the meetings, I dressed differently, I didn't put makeup on, I was like, I am not even going out for coffee one on one with anybody, I'm only going out in group settings, somehow I got sidetracked, you [00:19:00] know, and I got sidetracked by a very sick man who was in the rooms.
Host: Dora: And so, If you're new to recovery, this is a great time to remind you and mention that not everybody that's clean and sober is healthy. And for me, in my early stages of recovery, I ended up getting in a very rotten 13 step relationship and I put these people in this room up on a pedestal and that was dangerous, you know, this person quoted the book and I thought, well, they hadn't drank two years, you know, they know everything about the book.
Host: Dora: So, you know, With my week of recovery, they're like freaking god, right? So just uh, yeah, we won't get too much into that But just a forewarning that you know, not not everybody that you meet in recovery is healed You know We we all come in sick and broken [00:20:00] and we're all still on a path of healing just because we are no longer drinking or we've been in and out of the program for 20 years and no the book doesn't mean that We're healed or we're safe So don't put anybody up on a, on a pedestal, 
Alex: yeah, I think, I learned that lesson too, Dora, and, some are definitely sicker than others. That's the point that, I definitely drew from that. And I remember my early days and, one of my first sponsors, and this wasn't even a, this was just a platonic, a f f f f friendship relationship, you know?
Alex: I got, uh, learned a lesson in not to take everybody at face value just off the bat, you know, just because they're in the rooms all calm, cool, collected, don't mean outside of the rooms, they're all calm, cool, collected, you know, and hurt people, definitely hurt people, but healed people, heal people, and I still learned that lesson the hard way, quite a few times in my recovery, I think too, for me, I got in a, and it wasn't somebody in the rooms though, and I had gotten in a relationship, um, early on, I was about eight months in.
Alex: And, , I could see [00:21:00] myself, um, losing myself again. My toxic, relationship patterns resurfacing, losing myself so much in the relationship and, not prioritizing myself anymore. Um, starting to feel lesser than again, and all those things. And it's funny, cause Shayne had mentioned something when he was sharing and you did too, Shayne was saying, learn not what to do in the relationship.
Alex: But also, you know, through it, I've learned, what I'm deserving of and what I'm worth, and I think that's been huge for me in my recovery. And when I go back to what I was saying at the beginning, right, that huge lack of self respect I had for myself. Today, I have the utmost respect for myself.
Alex: So you better believe I'm going to command it and demand it in return, you know. And I have respect for everybody else, that's been a huge game changer for me, respecting myself, knowing my worth, and knowing what I'm deserving of, and it's nothing less than the very best and I've got him [00:22:00] right here.
Host: Dora: Oh, yes. And we're going to get into that right away here. I just want to kind of wrap up this like toxic little part of the conversation because in talking with Alex and Shayne right now, like, I, I have known that they got together. I've known tidbits about their relationship, but right here, right now in this recording, I'm just discovering at the same time that you guys are, how it all came about.
Host: Dora: Before we get into that beautiful part of your story, it sounds like all three of us sitting here right now. Even though we got clean and sober, we still struggled with relationships. So the fact that three of us can say that, yeah, that was me, that was me, that was me. That's a pretty big indication that probably a lot of people getting into recovery could and will still continue to experience that.
Host: Dora: I think what Alex said here is very important. And I can relate to as well is that. You [00:23:00] know, when I first came into the rooms, I, I really, attached myself to that, you know, the giving back and not being selfish. But in doing so, I think I, you know, I still attracted the wrong people. My picker was still off.
Host: Dora: And looking back, a lot of the times I would tell myself, well, it's not about me. It's about how they feel, you know, it's not about me. And I would make myself smaller, continually make myself smaller. to say that I was being selfish otherwise, right? This recovery, the journey is, it's a long, it's a beautiful one.
Host: Dora: And, today we're going to learn how the two of you met. 
Shayne: Yeah. I just want to touch and close on this last little part we were talking about. So if I have any advice through my lived experience with. relationships and recovery for [00:24:00] anybody out there that's new to recovery that's in recovery.
Shayne: I would go back to the old timers saying, it's very important that we figure out some of those whys. We deal with the traumas. We deal with the resentments. We start forgiving. We start being open and vulnerable and learning these things about us. Um, but if you don't, Stay close to your people, stay close to God centered 12 step people, please be vulnerable and honest, and I promise you could make it out of that relationship without blowing your life up and maybe picking up and dying again.
Alex: Um, 
Shayne: yeah. 
Alex: Yeah, what I say to my girls too, what I say too in my healthcare, coaching practice and everything. And for coming again, back to that goal, not being clean and or sober, but to coming to a point of loving ourselves enough that self love bit to live lives, unaddicted, free of the vices and free of the grasps of the affliction of addiction, um, whatever that addiction may be or look like to you.
Alex: It's because in that first year, it is so [00:25:00] critical. You're building a relationship with yourself and your and whatever greater power that you might believe in of your own design conception. And, that relationship to higher self and power and how critical that is to move forward in your recovery journey.
Alex: So that's why I always say, like, let's just focus on your relationship to you and learning about you and your relationship and nurturing and building and maintaining and strengthening and improving that relationship with whatever your higher power might look like to you. Those are the two most important relationships, right?
Alex: Because until you can love yourself, you can't love anybody else. 
Host: Dora: That's right. I also want to touch on that, when you are getting clean and sober, that is the recommendation, don't get into a relationship for a year. And even though I went against my best, better judgment and did, I will say that that relationship start and shut down like open and shut quicker [00:26:00] than when I was drinking and using.
Host: Dora: Even though it was an experience. And I wish I'd never experienced it. It did teach me something. It did teach me how to open and close it really quick and be like, I did, you know what, it ended like this. I didn't get sober for this, I didn't get sober to feel the way I felt in my past relationships while I was in active addiction.
Host: Dora: But the other thing is that I got back into the center of the rooms. I got tighter with my women and with my core women in 12 step groups. It also gave me a quick personal experience, like, Oh, this is why they tell you that and was able to refocus and be like, Okay, I'm going back to that, first year, no relationships with anybody.
Host: Dora: And, um, I think, sometimes we just got to figure shit out for ourselves, but there's a reason why people say that. And so like Shayne said, I hope if you are in a relationship and if [00:27:00] shit does hit the fan that you have the right people around you because The one thing they do say is that a relationship in early recovery is what could take you out.
Host: Dora: And you know, if we pick up a drink or a drug, because we can't handle our emotions over a heartbreak or a relationship or what have you. And it's a perfect reason to pick up again in early recovery, right? And a lot of us don't make it back from that. All right, so toxicity all around. We've all experienced it.
Host: Dora: And now I'd like to know how the two of you got together. I mean, first of all, Yeah, tell me a little bit because you guys, you live in totally different parts of Canada. How did you guys come together living in different parts of Canada? 
Alex: Well, let's just say Bill W. I was telling him a couple weeks ago when I arrived in Calgary and he sent me my welcome home message.
Alex: I told him we're going to have to change his business card from change maker to, uh, [00:28:00] to, um, matchmaker. Did you really? That's how I met Shayne, but I had, um, I'd come across him, a few years ago, and this is so like unexpected shit here, like this, you know, I can't even make this, this stuff up, you know, um, so unexpectedly, and I guess that's the way it goes.
Alex: But once you know, you know. I met Shayne through Bill a couple of years ago, I think I had seen him in one of Bill's posts or something, and we had actually done a podcast interview on Sober Active Canada, I had him on, um, still not thinking of it, and last year I came up, because I have a sister in Calgary, so I was coming to visit my sister for the holidays, so about a year ago, almost, um, now, um, and then I, we had met in person, but still thinking nothing of it, like, it's Shayne, it's just my friend, that was cool, dope, I met him, whatever, um, then when I came up in April for my, seven year celebration, because Bill, uh, gave me my medallion, we had a off the [00:29:00] hook celebration up here in Calgary.
Alex: Um, my friend Dave from New York came and celebrated his 30 years with us. Um, just an amazing, amazing, amazing week. Can I get into like the little nitty gritty details? Yes, please. But I still didn't think anything of Shayne. Like he's just my friend. Like he's just a school cat in Calgary. Like whatever, Shayne, it's Shayne.
Alex: And, um, You know, so that night after my celebration, like, I think this is where it starts all getting more solidified and I'm getting sold on this, this idea, but still not thinking anything of it more than that. But after my celebration, um, Shayne came up to me and he's like, I have a little something for you.
Alex: And, you know, people would normally just get me a medallion or some kind of like, you know, recovery lifestyle apparel or gear or whatever. I, I've known to really, um, recover out loud and proud. This guy right here, okay, he's tugging, he was tugging at my heartstrings, boy. Um, [00:30:00] he, uh, he ends up giving me two healing crystals.
Alex: And a keychain of, so he has Trinidadian blood in him, and I'm also of mixed origin, I'm half black, but I'm not Trini, and he gives me a keychain with Trini flags on it, so here I am now, I have a keychain with Trini flags on it, I have a piece of him, carrying a piece of him everywhere I'm going, but I still didn't think anything too much of it, and I'm not reading too much into it, and then that Sunday night, Um, Shayne, me, and a couple of other people, Bill included, um, went out for dinner.
Alex: And it's really funny because my girlfriend afterwards, as we were leaving, Shayne and Bill were, they were up at their car and, my girlfriend just looked at me and she's like, there's some freaking energy between you two. Like, this energy is so strong. And she's like, I have a feeling I'm going to your wedding one day.
Alex: And I like that. Shayne, like whatever. But [00:31:00] then I got home and I'm like starting to think about it a little bit more and okay, maybe we do have some kind of energy or whatever. And then that Monday I was leaving on the Tuesday morning. This is where it gets really good. I was leaving on that Tuesday morning and I was like, Okay, I kind of want to see Shayne maybe one last time before I go.
Alex: And God knows when Alex from like Eastern Canada is going to be back out west in Calgary. You know, I had been planning, and this is like in April, I had been planning to come back up after Nationals. So I'm a competitive bodybuilder. I had been planning to come back after Nationals in August. That was the next time I was planning to come up.
Alex: But I was like, Oh, it would be kind of cool to see Shayne one last time and like, see what this energy is all about, you know, and I had reached out to them and called him and asked him if he wanted to come meet me at the meeting. And, um, he actually said no, that he had a service commitment. He had a service, he had a service commitment and, um, he had to work with a sponsee that night so he couldn't come.
Alex: [00:32:00] And, you know, somebody could have easily. blew off their sponsey, uh, to come see Alex, who, but you know, we're still not thinking anything of this, of this friendship or this relationship, anything more than that. And right there, I was like, This is a man who walks the walk and talks the talk and that is very important to me because of all the work that I do.
Alex: Um, and up until that point and even like I had been in a, in a, you know, an unfairly, up until that point, a lot of men in recovery that I had frequented and I don't, um, I've hardly had any relationships in seven and a half years. Um, let's get that straight. Um, but there was still very manipulative men, um, still men, you know, Talking, talking the talk, but without action, it's all fucking bullshit, right?
Alex: Um, and just saying to me what I wanted to hear. Mm. You know, and when he said that, I was like, but now that shit I can [00:33:00] respect, like, this is a man who walks the walk and talks the talk. Like he did not budge from his service commitment. And actually like, not knowing when the next time he's ever gonna see me again is mm-hmm
Alex: You know. Right. And, um, I got home the next day and I had really never paid too much attention to Shayne's. Social media or whatever, like had been up in his stories or whatever. And I was looking at his stories and there was this beautiful one about, um, one day the King finds his like minded queen.
Alex: And I reached out to him and I said, what if you're, what if you're spiritually like minded queen has always been sitting in front of you? asking for a friend. It took him 15 minutes to register what asking for a friend meant. He thought I was literally asking for a friend. And then the rest is a
Alex: history. 
Host: Dora: Okay. But it's not, I got questions. I love it. Okay. Shayne, , let's rewind and get your take on this. So do you have those thoughts of Alex [00:34:00] before or at her celebration or when you give her these crystals in this key chain? 
Shayne: No, no thoughts at all. Um, I'm just this change, new, kind, loving, God puts things on me type of person.
Shayne: God put on me to give her crystals and that keychain that day. Just, just out of a kind, friendly thing to do. I had no, no thoughts. Prior ideas about getting together with her or looking at her in that type of way. So no, there wasn't, there wasn't anything behind that, but just, just that's what God put on me that day.
Alex: And I think what's really beautiful in it is that it was the first man I've had ever come across that it was, Our foundation of our relationship is strictly based on our spiritual connection. First and foremost. That was very important to me because up until that point, the men that I had been still attracting in my life, and, it's [00:35:00] postured on social media.
Alex: I had very, one very, very, very sick relationship a couple of years ago, that almost didn't exist. almost take me out, but I almost did, either commit myself or kill myself, you know, and it was very, very toxic. It was very publicized. A lot of men have been just using me for my, obviously like with hidden agendas, and there was nothing about that.
Alex: Like this was totally based on our spiritual connection. And like even the first Couple of months that we had been talking. One of the things I truly appreciated about Shayne was that he really valued me and, cared for me on a deeper level than my outside, physical appearance and my physique.
Alex: He had never fucking, he mentioned my physique once in like three months. And, he really, truly cared for me and valued me for who I am at the deep essence of my core. And not for anything outside of that and [00:36:00] no hidden agenda or no malintended or malicious motive, up until that point, I had come to accept my impending fate as a crazy old lone cat lady after, the one, somewhat relationship that I had been in that had turned out to be, I no longer have the capacity to be hurt.
Alex: And the only man that I was pursuing, from that moment forward was, God. I was only pursuing God and in, in that pursuit of God, so unexpectedly, God of my own understanding today is God. But like in that pursuit of, of only God, He sent me the most godly man. 
Host: Dora: I love it.
Alex: So unexpectedly so out of left field, but that's how and then our connection, it's one of those things, when we say that like soulmates are twin flames, you know, those connections are void of time and space.
Alex: Early on when I had like come and visited him after that in May, you know, there were moments where I'd be just literally [00:37:00] sitting in the car where he's in silence, he's driving. And in my head, it's like a deja vu moment, like we had already been there at some, in some version of reality of our lives, like we know each other.
Alex: For our entire lifetime. 
Host: Dora: Oh, I love that. You know, like, 
Alex: I'm like, I've already lived this moment with him. Like this is like that feeling inside of myself and um, you know, like they, we say right, like true soulmates are our, our void of distance and time. Right. And, um, well we just knew. 
Alex: And we had a pretty in depth discussion like that first week after, obviously, I reached out to him and, and, , he finally realized I wasn't asking for a friend, but my very self. 
Host: Dora: Yes, so I would like to hear Shayne's take on this. How did you respond to that question, asking for a friend? And then what happened?
Host: Dora: Let's hear from Shayne. 
Shayne: Well, because I I've changed so much about myself and I tried to unlearn all those old things. I [00:38:00] didn't know when a woman was flirting with me. I was still Even still to this day, I deal with these fears that I grew up with, right? Or not even that I grew up with that, that I have today.
Shayne: Self conscious, self things. And so I didn't know she was even hitting on me when she stated that. And I really thought it was for her friend who was with me and Bill that night. I was like, I sat there for half an hour. Like, wait, what do I say? So it was a surprise to me, but quickly after that we realized, , she was asking for herself and then I become, became intrigued and a little spark was ignited within me, because for years in recovery, I've been searching for that love.
Shayne: I've been doing so much inner healing. I've changed myself so much. I wanted. I wanted a wife and a family, right? I've been craving that since I was a child, since I was 14 and, and had that first girlfriend. So that's where the spark got ignited and that's where our journey [00:39:00] began. 
Alex: And it's 
Shayne: pretty wild 
Alex: Dora because like, it's one of those things where we literally prayed for each other.
Alex: And I remember in those first conversations I was already sold at the healing crystals and the Trini flag key chain, that first. day that we really had, an in depth conversation about it and started exploring, like, hey, maybe this is more than a friendship. Um, you know, why if you wrote me a poem, like no man has ever written me a poem.
Alex: And then also though, like he had pulled out prayers that he had written about the woman that he was seeking like years ago. And it's like, babe, like, why did you pull that prayer out? And it's like, line for line, I'm was that woman that he prayed for and vice versa. He's been the man that I prayed for, and divine timing when divine timing was right.
Alex: And now when I look back on it, all those toxic really, and they were all very toxic, and very unhealthy, and harmful dynamics up until this man here. But when I look back on it now, [00:40:00] any single decision made differently. The hardships that I went through, the heartbreak, the abuse, the use, all of it, all that toxic shit.
Alex: If I did not go through it or any one decision made differently, I would have probably never found this love, you know? 
Host: Dora: Yes. Yeah. I totally know. I know a hundred percent exactly what you're talking about. Oh my 
Alex: God. I'm going to start to cry and now y'all know I never cry. Great. 
Host: Dora: Start it. Start it. We'll, we'll just wait and watch.
Host: Dora: Wow, yeah, I, I feel you and I'm so excited for your guys's love story. So why don't you tell me Shayne, I want to hear a little bit more from you. So you guys realize that Alex is talking about herself. She's the friend that's asking for a friend. I'm sure your conversations start evolving.
Host: Dora: You guys start talking more about what you talk in a healthy relationship. Are you asking about what they want with their life? What their values are? How [00:41:00] does that look? 
Shayne: Well, let me go back. So August 12th, 2019, I wrote this poem, not even a year into recovery. So this is a poem she was talking about and this kind of answers that question.
Shayne: So here's the poem, it's called That Woman. I want that woman to come to church and pray. I want that woman to not run when we have a bad day. I want that woman to be as hungry as I am with the steps. I want that woman to not judge from my past rep. I want that woman to love me through good and bad. I want that woman to communicate healthy when she's sad.
Shayne: I want that woman who's confident with her body. I want that woman to know then it'll make her my dying body. I want that woman to have that 100 percent trust. I want that woman to know I'm working every day on my lust. I want that woman to not take advantage when I cry. I want that woman to be there till the end, till the day I die.
Shayne: So that poem I wrote early on in my recovery, and that's what God put on me at that time. [00:42:00] I was a new believer, I was just baptized, and I wanted this woman that I read about in the Bible, and that my brothers in Christ told me that I should find. Um, and that's what I found, so. Those are some of the kind of conversations we had in the beginning.
Alex: Um, 
Shayne: just about those, a few of those things. And it was just deeper than most conversations I've ever had and and deeper than most related starts of relationships Um, most of my relationships it was immediately. She's hot. I like her. I want to have sex with her 
Alex: This one 
Shayne: was different maybe because of the long distance maybe because of just where we're at probably a culmination of of those couple things So it was just deeper conversations things I wanted to talk about was with every woman that I was with but I was so clouded in lust and wanting to fucking fill that little void with the physical side that I never ever was [00:43:00] able to do in my past relationships.
Shayne: So that's a big thing that was different with Alexandra and myself. It was getting to know each other deeper and those are the long distance was hard and new and scary. And I didn't like it or I didn't know. I believe today it was positive. I'm so grateful that we started a long distance.
Shayne: We got to talk at hours every day on the phone video call and just get to know each other on a deeper level than, than just that physical and immediately spending time. My MO was I meet you. I like the way you look. A week later, we sleep together a month later, we're moving in together. Um, and I'm head over heels and whacked out in love.
Shayne: What I thought love was. That wasn't love most of my life. I never knew what love is. But I do today because I met a woman who has same values as me, who has done that inner work, who is, has that connection with God. I always try to like to bring it back to God because that's the strongest thing that, that holds anything together, right?
Shayne: That's [00:44:00] love. When I cannot do what I selfishly, manipulatively, fearfully want to do, and do what God would have me do. That's where love is found. That's where God in my will is separated and found by doing what I don't want to do and doing what I think my creator, my higher power, who I call Jesus Christ would want me to do.
Alex: And I think that's so important. Obviously really having that God centered relationship and a man and such a godly man, that who prays to love me correctly and who definitely walks the walk and talks the talk in that respect, and he's not just telling me things that I want to hear, , to dupe me into that.
Alex: belief of, okay, this is the perfect relationship, and it's really not. But I think, you know, obviously we're not perfect. Um, there is no such thing as perfect progress over perfection, as much as I like to think I am fucking perfect half the time. Definitely still one of my biggest character defenses and maladjustments in life.
Alex: But you know, I think what really works for us, and [00:45:00] again, coming back to that, our values, right? Who and what we align ourselves to and attune ourselves with are the direct lines into our future. So you better make sure today that, and this is very, very important for me today, that in any relationship, whether it be a business relationship, whether it be My relationship with my partner.
Alex: My relationship with friends. I really try to ensure that the people that I surround myself with, or even the companies that I'll surround myself with and my brand, absolutely have to be aligned to my values and principles and mission and vision. And that we're going in the same direction, I think what works beautifully for us is that he also very much upholds and adheres to, our 12 spiritual principles being the foundational basis of everything we do today and not only practicing them in all our affairs, but across all facets of our life.
Alex: And for me, that's very important. And I think what works for us and nothing's perfect, right. And we are, so we still haven't gone through really like a big hardship [00:46:00] or, anything like that. But I know because we remain open, honest, willing, and teachable together. And that's huge for me that we.
Alex: Remain open, honest, willing, teachable together that there's nothing that's going to come our way that we can't get through and how important it is, that we continue to do the inner healing work on ourselves. We continue to work separate programs. We continue to do that work, but then that together we could come unified.
Alex: and face life together, so that's the continuous healing together, the continuous growing our continued evolution together and building together and try and make the rest, you know, the rest of our days, the best of our days together, better, stronger, and I think that's what really works.
Alex: And that's, the importance of our values and our principles being so aligned and so attuned with one another. 
Host: Dora: I just love it [00:47:00] and I can relate so much with your guys story to mine and Fred's as far as, the long distance bit, the deep, getting straight to those deep conversations as because, in our toxic past and our relationships in the past, even in early recovery, , it was still this kind of need to attach yourself, that codependent like, , I'm okay, but I'd be better if I had somebody to be okay with.
Host: Dora: Right. , this kind of mentality of, I'm better now. I deserve somebody. But getting to those deep conversations, you know, not about what you look, but what do you value, you know, that's huge. What, what, what 
Alex: are you each bringing to the table and how you can, compliment one another and really build and grow together, 
Alex: and I think, I would have loved to have your, husband on here as well. We should have a little double date podcast interview, but yeah, like I think having those deep conversations at the beginning and not just, you know, surface level superfluous and bullshit.
Alex: and [00:48:00] fake as fuck I've had enough in my lifetime, and some people will think, like not even a short year later, here I am, but when you know, you know, right. And this was like one of those such unexpected things. And it was divine timing, right? Like it was totally divine timing.
Alex: And even after, so that month of April, where we really connected and really started having those deeper conversations and really started exploring our relationship and where it was going, I had the opportunity to come out earlier than August and visit, and I only came, I hardly told anybody I was coming.
Alex: I only came to see him and my sister, all God's timing here, people. And when I see those miracles and those promises do materialize, they will always, and the word always is in there. They will always materialize. Granted, you work for them sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but they will, they won't, maybe, they won't, likely, they won't, perhaps, they will always, and in [00:49:00] this case, it was one of those promises that had started materializing in my life as much as, and I was telling Shayne this the other day, as much as I had become to such a place of pursuing the only man for me was God, when I met Shayne, that's my, the only man that I was pursuing was God at that time.
Alex: And, I had become in such a place of, I was very content, very happy, joyous and free, some moments, maybe not so much, but like I had very come to a place and that place of acceptance in my life where I was, there's difference between loneliness and being alone, , I had come to the acceptance.
Alex: I love my solitude. I'm fine being with myself today. Yes. But the abundance in my life and all these amazing things that have happened to me in these last seven and a half years, when I met Shayne for the last seven years, like there's so much abundance in my life, whether it be my career, my competitive athletic career that I've now, stepped away from to focus on my other life goals and my other [00:50:00] passions and my family.
Alex: I have so much abundance in my life today. I just, sometimes I would sit down and not from a place of loneliness, but just a, wow, wouldn't it be fabulous to have a man that thinks like me, that acts, , that I'm in tune with, to 
Host: Dora: be able to 
Alex: share 
Host: Dora: this 
Alex: abundance in my life with, and I found him.
Alex: When I was least expecting to, and when I wasn't seeking that, God works in mysterious ways. 
Host: Dora: He sure does. Oh my goodness, I just love that. All right, Shayne, why don't you tell us how Alex got to be in Calgary? Is she visiting now? Are you guys living together? What's going on right now, today? 
Shayne: Yes, um, she did make the decision to move here.
Shayne: which I'm very grateful and blessed for and so appreciative. Um, this woman has, has sacrificed a lot. She's taken early retirement. She's, she has a 17, [00:51:00] almost 18 year old daughter still in Quebec. So she has, she is moving here and she has moved here now and we have started our life together. 
Host: Dora: Beautiful. I'm not going to cry again.
Host: Dora: Oh, and this is just recent, right? Like just in the last A couple weeks 
Shayne: ago. A couple weeks ago. Yesterday night she got here. 
Host: Dora: How is that? Are you guys living together? Did you already have a home, Shayne, that she just moved into? Or did you guys find something together? 
Shayne: Um, so, so I was living about 10 blocks away from where we're living now.
Shayne: Oh. My buddy who owns the house, whose basement I rented for, for the past two and a half years, was selling his house. So I was, when we first kind of started talking and getting together, I was looking for a place. , God connected me with her sister. Her sister owns a house ten minutes away from where I was staying.
Shayne: I met her, um, when Alex was here and she had a, a basement suite [00:52:00] available. So as she was in Quebec, I started renting, um, her sister's basement suite. And so that's where we're staying now. And they 
Alex: were waiting for me, but that's what I wanted to hit on earlier, those promises materializing, because then I had the opportunity of coming, so after April and after we had been having our initial, um, FaceTimes and video chats and all that stuff and texting, um, incessantly, non stop, all day long, every day.
Alex: Thanks. You know, I, I had the opportunity presented itself for me to come in May again, and I didn't tell anybody I was really strictly coming here to see where this was going and to be with my sister as well. Again, all God's timing, right? And all these things. Things started materializing and I didn't even realize, you know, I had bought in my plane ticket then it was Shayne's 41st birthday.
Alex: It was his first day on the job. So we went and spent the weekend, or the Thursday and Friday in radium. But I got to be there for those big moments in his life. Oh, for his [00:53:00] 41st birthday, for his first day, on the job up in radium, working for Bill and like. being able to be there, that no such thing as coincidences, right?
Alex: Only God instances. And God had me in his life at the right time and vice versa. And then that's when things just started again. Like, look, the housing situation and the whatever, like everything is just unfold. God, all God's will, all God's way. Everything's unfolding according to not my plan, but his bigger plan for me, 
Alex: And it's been, just like, wow, like so many God shots or I heard the other day instead of God shots, God winks. I really liked that one too, but God shot after God shot after God shot with this one, that I just knew in my heart of hearts, like he is the one, you know, when I had written a poem sometime back and I had written it like after that weekend in May, and I was always like the, one day I will be able to wake up and murmur in that person's ear, you're the one that's deserving of me, you [00:54:00] know, After that weekend in May, 
Alex: that's when I knew. And, people might think, okay, how quick it was, whatever. But when you know, you know, you, you know, and I've already waited an entire lifetime for him. So those next nine months were a little hard, but here we are. But here you are. It's happening the way it's supposed to happen.
Host: Dora: Exactly, exactly. Oh, I just love this for you guys and I can't wait to see where God takes the two of you together. Shayne, I didn't know that you, recently got baptized and that is I also did this May, like I totally did a 180 and came back to God in a, yeah. So I'm just like, I'm actually trying to find like, how do I bridge that gap into, my addiction podcast to talking more about.
Host: Dora: God, anyways, I'm thrilled to hear that for you. And I'm thrilled with your poem about wanting a woman to go to church with you. And I'm like, Oh my goodness, my heart, my heart is just crying. I see. Can you imagine my heart? 
Shayne: [00:55:00] Wow, I love it. 
Host: Dora: Absolutely love it. 
Shayne: So just to touch on that, I haven't just been recently baptized.
Shayne: I came into this recovery healing journey through church seven, eight years ago. That's when I was baptized and found Christ and started building my church community. 
Host: Dora: Okay. 
Shayne: Yeah. So, so prior to the steps to meetings, to any type of recovery, I was in a program through my church called Celebrate Recovery.
Shayne: Very similar to our 12 steps, men's group kind of thing. Um, so that's where I was, uh, I first met, met God. 
Host: Dora: Oh, beautiful. 
Alex: There's a great book, Serenity, it's the 12 steps, through serenity prayer or whatever, but it does match up Bible scripture with the 12 steps. There's quite a few good books, 
Alex: so I've been really like delving deeper into that and really making those linkages lately. 
Host: Dora: So I'd love to have 
Alex: a conversation with you about that. Yeah. 
Host: Dora: Yeah, that would be great. [00:56:00] Okay guys. Well, we're just gonna, I just want to quickly wrap up this aspect of the couples in recovery and looking at health, how a healthy relationship.
Host: Dora: versus our toxic relationships that a lot of us who have been stuck in a cycle of addiction are prone to unhealthy relationships. So today talking with Alex and Shayne and they are telling us how putting God in the center, having God be a part of their relationships, and having those, Deep conversations, in the beginning of true values and what they value is an absolute game changer when you're looking for the one.
Host: Dora: And like Alex said, what was it? The best, the best years of my life. What was your slogan? 
Alex: Oh, making the rest of the days, the best of our days together. 
Host: Dora: That's it. Love that one. So if you guys want to get in touch with Alex and Shayne, I am going to put up their contacts in the [00:57:00] podcast description and you can reach out to them there and, just tell them you heard their story.
Host: Dora: Tell them you're rooting for them or tell them you want to know more. Awesome. It's been just a pleasure getting to talk to you today. 
Shayne: Yes, I'm very grateful. Thank you Dora and Soberoso for having us.
Shayne: I'm very honored to speak about this. This is the first time I've ever touched on these aspects in my recovery and in my relationships, so I'm very grateful, to have had this and shared this with the viewers and you. Yeah, we can recover. 
Host: Dora: We can and we do. 
Alex: Yeah, and I'd like to just say thank you, thank you also for your many contributions to the, Recover We, like I like to say, , W E at the end, Recover We, community writ large, and everything that you're trying to do, and thank you again for sharing your platform and allowing us to share our experience, strength, and hope, as a couple today.
Alex: It's my first time doing this too. This is huge. Thank you so much. And thank you to all those [00:58:00] who will be tuning in. 
Host: Dora: My absolute pleasure. 
Shayne: If I could just say a little closing thing or the last thing I'd like to say to our viewers is, thank you for being here with us.
Shayne: Thank you for hearing our experience. If anything touched you, please reach out. If you're new to recovery, if you don't know anything about recovery, I'm a 12 stepped person. That's where my foundation lies. I would pray that you come into some kind of healing, whatever modality works for you.
Shayne: 12 steps worked for me, in not only alcohol and drugs, but the deeper issues. The self pity, the resentments, the judging, the blaming, the not taking accountability, the forgiving the people that harm me and that I harmed. Please stay, come around. If you're coming back. I'm grateful that you're back. , too many of us are dying.
Shayne: I'm losing sponsees. A handful a year, [00:59:00] sponsees are dying because they don't want to simply give themselves to this program. Um, and if you're, if you're struggling, I feel you. I struggle every day, but I have a solution today and it's found in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's found in some other spiritual ceremonial things I do.
Shayne: It's found in church. It's, it's, we can find it so. Seek and ye shall find, ask and you shall receive, and knock, and I promise you, God will open that door to whatever emotional, mental situation, stressors, anything you're going through, I've been able to solve and figure out with the help of my higher power and the God centered 12 step people in my life.
Shayne: Thank you again for hearing me out, and I love you. 
Host: Dora: Beautiful. What a way to close. And thank you for tuning in to another episode of the Soberoso podcast. I hope today's conversation brought you a little closer to hope, [01:00:00] healing, or understanding. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe or follow to the show wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
Host: Dora: If this episode brought you comfort and made you feel a little better inside, please share it with someone who might need that today. You can follow Soberoso on Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram for more inspiration and updates. Don't forget, we're here every week with new stories, tips, and topics to help you along the road to healing.
Host: Dora: Until the next time, I'm your grateful host, Dora. Stay safe, stay sober, and to thine own self be true.