BONUS: How to Raise Resilient Kids Who Thrive Beyond Perfect Grades

In this S5E6 Schoolutions Teaching Strategies BONUS, I reflect on my conversation with Dr. Rebecca Winthrop about the shocking truth: 75% of elementary kids love school, but by 10th grade, that drops to just 25%. But disengagement doesn't always look like you think—sometimes it's hiding behind perfect grades.

Is your straight-A student truly thriving, or just performing? This episode reveals the hidden crisis of high achiever burnout and how to raise resilient, curious learners. Discover why the valedictorian headed to Yale might be more fragile than the "problem child," and learn the simple 3-question framework that transforms you from a nagging manager into a guiding consultant your kids actually want to talk to.

What You'll Learn:
✅ The 4 student engagement modes: Passenger, Achiever, Resistor, & Explorer
✅ Why straight-A students often lack agency and may struggle with failure
✅ How "problem children" actually demonstrate hidden strengths
✅ The 3-question homework strategy that builds student agency
✅ Why asking about grades shuts down learning (and what to ask instead)
✅ How to help your child develop resilience before they hit a crisis

Perfect for: teachers, education coaches, school administrators, caregivers, homeschoolers, teacher mentors, instructional leaders, school counselors, and anyone invested in whole child education and student success.

Featured Resource: The Disengaged Teen by Dr. Rebecca Winthrop and Jenny Anderson

Try this tonight: Instead of asking, "Did you do your homework?"

Try these 3 questions:
1. What do you have to do?
2. How long will it take?
3. When will you do it?

Then stick to bedtime anyway—let natural consequences teach the lesson.

Chapters:
0:00 - Introduction: The Hidden Crisis of High Achievers
1:00 - The Shocking Statistic: 75% to 25% Drop in School Engagement
2:00 - Understanding the 4 Student Modes
3:00 - Passenger Mode: Straight A's But Checked Out
4:00 - The Achiever's Dark Side: Amina's Story
6:00 - When Perfect Students Shatter: The Yale Experience
7:00 - The Gift of Failure Therapy
8:00 - Resistor Mode: Why "Problem Kids" Have Hidden Strengths
9:00 - Agency: The Missing Ingredient in High Achievement
10:00 - College Orientation Reality Check
11:00 - Building Explorer Mode: The Goal for All Students
12:00 - The 3-Question Framework: Stop Nagging, Start Guiding
13:00 - Action Steps: What to Do Tonight
14:00 - Final Challenge & Next Steps

🚀📚 Watch the full S5E6 Schoolutions Teaching Strategies interview here (https://youtu.be/-UZuA0qZ7xY)

Join our community of educators committed to cultivating student success, inspired teaching, and creating inclusive classrooms with a pro-kid mindset focused on the whole child.

📧 Connect: schoolutionspodcast@gmail.com
🎵 Music: Benjamin Wahl

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When coaches, teachers, administrators, and families work hand in hand, it fosters a school atmosphere where everyone is inspired and every student is fully engaged in their learning journey.

Transcript

[00:00:00] So here's a pop quiz for you. Which student should you be more worried about? The one failing classes and skipping school, or the valedictorian with Straight A's headed to an Ivy League University? If you said the first one, I need you to stay with me because today we're talking about something that's been keeping me up at night.

The dark underbelly of being a high achiever. I'm Olivia Wahl, and this is a bonus episode digging deeper into my conversation with Dr. Rebecca Winthrop about student engagement. If you haven't listened to that episode yet, pause right now, go back to season five, episode six, and then come right back.

Here's what I cannot stop thinking about: 75% of elementary kids love school, but by 10th grade, that drops to just 25%. And disengagement doesn't always look like what we think. A child can have perfect grades and [00:01:00] be completely checked out from learning. Rebecca shared about students like Amina - class valedictorian accepted into every ivy she applied to headed to Yale, a student who seemed like everything was perfect on the outside, and yet told Rebecca that she wished she'd had failure therapy in high school. This brilliant, accomplished young woman wished someone had let her fail earlier in a safe environment so she could learn to pick herself back up.

Meanwhile, the student who's skipping class, the student that we may call a problem child, they have something Amina might be missing: agency. That sense that I can push back when something isn't working for me. Their agency is pointed in the wrong direction, away from learning instead of toward it, but at least they have it. 

Today I'm hoping you leave this bonus episode with a better understanding about why straight A students may [00:02:00] be fragile and why students, we deem “problem children” have hidden strengths. We can all shift from being managers who nag our kids to caregivers who guide. 

Rebecca and Jenny's book, The Disengaged Teen will help you identify which mode your own child is in and which mode your students are in. Passenger achiever, resistor, or explorer. That's our first step to helping them thrive. Let's dive in.

This is Schoolutions Teaching Strategies, the podcast that extends education beyond the classroom. A show that isn't just theory, but practical try-it-tomorrow approaches for educators and caregivers to ensure every student finds their spark and receives the support they need to thrive. 

Hey there. Welcome back to Schoolutions. It's Friday and that means it is a bonus episode day. I'm [00:03:00] Olivia Wahl, and if you listen to Monday's conversation with Dr. Rebecca Winthrop, your mind is probably still spinning. I know mine is. If you have not listened, pause this bonus, go back and listen at S5E6: Engaging Teens: From Bored Passengers to Curious Explorers. And then come right back to tune into this bonus content. 

There's one thing I cannot stop thinking about since my conversation with Rebecca, actually, it's keeping me up at night as a parent and as an educator. We spend so much time worrying about the kids who are struggling. The ones failing classes, acting out, skipping school, and we should worry about them.

But what about the kid with Straight A's? The one every teacher loves? The captain of the debate team who's also in three AP classes? What if I told you that child might be just as disengaged as the one [00:04:00] skipping class and potentially more fragile? Today, I want to dig deeper into what Rebecca called the dark underbelly of achiever mode, because this one hit me hard, and I think it's going to hit you hard too.

So let's start here. Rebecca shared that heartbreaking statistic, 75% of elementary kids love school, but by 10th grade, that drops to just 25%. But here's what really got me - disengagement doesn't always look like what we think it looks like. I kept coming back to something Rebecca said about passenger mode. These are kids who might even have straight A's. So let's let that sink in. A child could be getting perfect grades and yet completely checked out from learning. 

Remember when she described a student who spent class time online shopping because the teacher [00:05:00] was reviewing the material that they already knew. The student got it all right, understood their friends needed the review, and just checked out. How many times did I look at my grade book and think well, Sarah's doing great As across the board. Meanwhile, Sarah's bored out of her mind coasting, not challenged enough, and not truly engaged. 

And here's the thing - we are actually training these students that school is about getting the right answer, not about the process of learning. We're teaching them that if you can ace it without trying, that's success, but what happens when they hit something hard? Rebecca told us about Amina class valedictorian, straight A's, got into every Ivy League school that she applied to. She said, and I quote, “I love being a winner. I love praise. I love feedback. I love being adored and [00:06:00] being perfect.” Amina went to Yale and remember two small things happened. She took a difficult class and couldn't get above a C, and she applied to a social club and didn't get in. As Rebecca said, these are not insurmountable obstacles. She could have gotten a tutor, gone to office hours, found a different club.

These are normal college experiences, but Amina almost dropped out of college because, and this is the key, her identity had become so wrapped up in being perfect. It wasn't just that she experienced rejection, she experienced it as, I am rejection, I am failure. I am no longer worthy. And Rebecca shared something Amina said that I really appreciated.

She wished she'd had failure therapy in high school. Failure [00:07:00] therapy. Think about that. This brilliant, accomplished young woman wished someone had let her fail earlier. A safe environment with support so she could learn to pick herself back up. As caregivers and as educators, I worry that we're so busy protecting our kids from failure, that we're actually causing them to be more fragile.

We're creating straight A students who shatter at the first real challenge. And I love that Rebecca and Jenny's framework really challenges us to think about students that we call “problem children.” Rebecca talked about the resistor mode. These are kids that are referred to often as class clowns, the kids skipping tests, causing disruptions, and then she said something that flipped everything on its head for us. These children have gumption. They have a lot of chutzpah. They're [00:08:00] actually expressing their agency. The student that is in resistor mode has something the straight A kid may be missing: agency. That sense of, I have control over my life. I can make choices. I can push back when something isn't working for me.

Now, obviously, we don't want kids expressing that agency by skipping school or being disruptive. Their agency is pointed in the wrong direction, away from learning instead of toward it. But at least they have agency. At least they're saying through their behavior, this isn't working for me. 

The achiever mode student, they've often sacrificed their agency for external validation. They've learned to ask, what does the teacher want? Instead of, what do I think? They may have even stopped taking intellectual risks because risks might lead to Bs instead of As. Remember the example that [00:09:00] Rebecca shared? It was about a student who got an essay prompt that they disagreed with. They wanted to write a different answer, but didn't because the teacher wouldn't give them an A. That student chose the grade over their own intellectual curiosity, over their own voice, over their own learning. 

I shared with Rebecca about our son's college orientation, where they did these brilliant skits about student modes. In one of the skits, there was a student who was in achiever mode and a student in passenger mode, both had stellar high school grades.

One arrived at college and couldn't understand why she suddenly had to spend every waking moment studying just to keep up. No balance, no fun, just grinding for grades because that's what her identity required. The other student had coasted through high school and passenger mode, never had to try. Never learned actually how to study or develop those skills.

He gets to college, joining every club, playing all the [00:10:00] intramural sports, having fun, and suddenly he's getting curved grades and failing tests and has no idea why. And this is fascinating because both of these students were struggling. But they would've looked like success stories in high school. 

This is why Rebecca says these modes aren't just about how kids perform in school. They're also about lifelong patterns. The passenger who never learned to struggle, they're gonna hit a wall eventually when natural ability isn't enough. The achiever who is performance obsessed, they're going to face an identity crisis the first time perfection isn't possible. 

We need to be building explorer mode kids, kids whose curiosity meets their drive, who have agency pointed toward their learning and who will go to the teacher and say, Hey, I disagree with this essay prompt. Can we talk about me taking a different angle? So [00:11:00] what do we do? Rebecca said, research shows that parents have equal power to teachers in motivating and engaging kids. Equal power even with teenagers, even when it feels like they don't want anything to do with us. 

Here's one concrete strategy she shared that I'm already using. Instead of, did you do your homework? Go do your homework. Why aren't you doing your homework? Which actually shuts down the problem-solving part of their brain. Try this. How much homework do you have? How long will it take, and what's your plan to get it done? Help your kids make a plan. And Rebecca said, I loved this. A plan consists of just three things. What do you have to do? How long will it take? And when will you do it? 

Then - and this is the hard part, stick to bedtime anyway. If your student or your child [00:12:00] doesn't execute their plan, there are natural consequences. They don't do well the next day and maybe they learn to start their plan earlier. When we shift from managers that nag to consultants, that guide, we're giving them back their agency. 

Second big idea, go deep, not broad. Instead of cross-examining your kids when they come home from school, asking them about every class, how is math? How is English? Did you turn in your social studies? Pick one or two things and really talk about the content. Ask about what they learned, not how they performed. You could say, What was the most interesting thing, or How do you think the teacher could have taught that better?

When we get curious about their learning, not their grades, kids lean in more. And here's what I hope you take away from this episode. If your student has straight A's and you've been feeling relieved. Take a [00:13:00] closer look. Are they learning or performing? Are they curious or compliant? Are they taking risks or playing it safe?

And if your child is struggling, ask yourself, are they expressing agency? Even if it's pointed in the wrong direction? Can we help them redirect that agency toward their learning instead of shutting it down? Please go grab Rebecca and Jenny's book. I cannot recommend it highly enough. The Disengaged Teen, look at those mode cheat sheets. Figure out where your kid is, because identifying the mode is the first step to helping them shift toward that explorer mode where we know they can truly thrive. Thank you for joining me for this bonus reflection. I’ll see you Monday when you join me for another incredible conversation with Stuart Yates, the creator of My Sport Diary.

Until then, [00:14:00] keep engaging those hearts and minds. See you next week. 

Schoolutions Teaching Strategies is created, produced, and edited by me, Olivia Wahl. Thank you always to my older son, Benjamin, who created the music playing in the background. You can follow and listen to Schoolutions wherever you get your podcasts or subscribe to never miss an episode and watch on YouTube. Thank you to my guest, Rebecca Winthrop, for sharing how we can help our learner shift from coasting passengers to curious explorers. And here's my invitation. Send me an email at schoolutionspodcast@gmail.com and tell me one thing from this bonus episode that's shifting your thinking.

More importantly, tell me what your next step is. If this episode made you rethink what success really looks and feels like, try this tonight: Instead of the homework interrogation. Did you do your homework? Why aren't you doing your homework? [00:15:00] Ask three simple questions. What do you have to do? How long will it take? And when will you do it?

Help your child make a plan then, and this is the hard part, stick to bedtime anyway. Let them experience the natural consequences if the plan doesn't work. That's how our kids build agency. And here's my challenge. Pick one dinner conversation this week where you ask about what they learned, not how they performed. 

Tune in every Monday for the best research-backed coaching and teaching strategies you can apply right away to better the lives of the children in your care. And stay tuned for my bonus episodes every Friday where I'll reflect and share connections to what I learned from the guests that week. See you then.