After 2 Beers
After 2 Beers
#174 After 2 Beers: Mayo Debates, Porta-Potty Hunting, and Egg-Centric Economics
Ever debated the finer points of mayonnaise preferences over a cold drink? We kick things off with just that, setting the tone for an episode brimming with humor and unexpected tales. Our exploration of quirky news stories introduces you to a Texas deer hunter with an unusual approach to wildlife management involving a porta-potty and a Wisconsin couple whose wedding venue dispute takes a wild turn. With laughter as our guide, we meander through stories that highlight the absurdity and unpredictability of human behavior, all while sharing a few laughs about the importance of future planning through baseball cards and Funko Pops.
Join us as we unravel the peculiarities of rising egg prices and their surprising role as an economic indicator. From nostalgic debates about 90s Doritos flavors to brunch burgers topped with fried eggs, the culinary world is ours to dissect. We also veer into humorous territory critiquing airlines and OnlyFans, sharing bizarre news like a car crash into a WWII tank memorial, and diving into the lives of our quirky college roommates. It's a smorgasbord of anecdotes and commentary designed to entertain and provoke a chuckle or two.
As Valentine's Day approaches, we're tackling the quirks of love and mental health with humor and sincerity, from chicken wing dates to heartfelt reminders to check in on loved ones. Amidst all the light-hearted banter, we touch on viral stories like the Texan who used a baby to clear snow off his car, reminding us to consider the consequences of our more bizarre actions. With a mix of local flair and international charm, we're excited to welcome our growing audience from Germany and France and dream about taking our unique brand of trivia nights across the pond. Whether it's laughter, spontaneity, or just a good old-fashioned story, this episode has it all.
Welcome to the After 2 Beers podcast. I'm Dutch Dalton, joined as always by Kimmy Gibbler. That's me and Michael Summers. What's going on? We are going to bring you some news tonight. We've had three weeks to store up some pretty good stories, unfortunately. Yeah, it was good stuff. Yeah, I had the nasal shit. I'm still fighting You're all right. But it's better than the flu that's going around.
Speaker 2:Yes, from what I understand, you know what would help with that Mayonnaise, mayonnaise, mayonnaise.
Speaker 3:Mayonnaise? I don't think that's what it?
Speaker 1:does.
Speaker 3:Oh geez.
Speaker 1:You know what? That's our first thing that we can drop in the old conversation bucket tonight. Do you like mayonnaise or Miracle Whip? Yeah.
Speaker 3:And do you have a preference on brands of mayonnaise?
Speaker 1:Yes, mayonnaise, mayonnaise, mayonnaise. All right, if this is your first time joining the After 2 Beers podcast, welcome. We are excited to have you here. Basically, what we do, in a nutshell, is we consume a couple drinks. That takes the muffler off. Lets us really speak freely and open-mindedly about well shit that really is going to embarrass us in 20 years when we watch these back. But we also talk about news stories that you will not hear on your evening news, but I like sharing them because it just this is the people we live amongst. We want to keep you informed.
Speaker 3:These are real americans this is actually happening these are going to be the people that pay for our social security.
Speaker 1:Ish, yeah, yeah you better be paying for your own. Call it 401k. That's all I'm going to tell you.
Speaker 2:It's called yeah, baseball card, baseball card.
Speaker 1:Funko Pops, oh man.
Speaker 3:Purses. Sorry, I just want my kids to get good jobs.
Speaker 1:Right, oh wow, mayo is a popular topic tonight.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is, I told you it would be.
Speaker 1:Mayonnaise with cooking Miracle Whip For sandwiches.
Speaker 3:No, no, no.
Speaker 1:Don't mess up your sandwiches with a Miracle Whip.
Speaker 2:I forgot about the mayo with olive oil. That is a good one.
Speaker 3:It is really good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, all right, okay, what do you got? Here we go, you, here we go. You know what? This would be? The audio for the actual podcast? Here we go, let's just do it again. Mayo really got me sidetracked.
Speaker 2:I can't believe it's back.
Speaker 1:Fucking fighting mayo brain. I didn't even know it was a thing it is a thing I have mayo on the brain? All right, here we go. Three, two. Welcome to the After Two Beers podcast. I'm Dutch Dalton, joined as always by Kimmy Gibbler. That's me and my good buddy Michael.
Speaker 3:Summers.
Speaker 1:What's going on. We are coming to you from downtown Richmond thanks to our good buddy, Kevin Shook here at Global Media Enterprises. If you're looking to do something like this, or maybe you've got some promotional material you need to put together for your company, reach out to Global Media and they will hook you up. If this is your first time watching the After Two Beers podcast, we greatly appreciate you stopping in. We do go live typically every other Thursday right now, and you can also listen to us on iTunes and Spotify. If you don't catch the live videos, we encourage the live videos mostly because you get to engage with us.
Speaker 3:For some reason.
Speaker 1:Mayo was a big topic, five minutes ago.
Speaker 3:It was, wasn't it? I don't know how that happened. It's always a good topic.
Speaker 1:Get yourself a drink and come talk, mayo. There you go.
Speaker 3:Duke's Mayo, of course.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. We're at Duke's house, are you?
Speaker 1:We are what we got going on, yeah, so before we get started, again, we thank our buddy, kevin. I want to make sure we thank our Patreon sponsors as well.
Speaker 4:Yes, get them in there.
Speaker 1:If you want to support the show for as little as $3 a month, you can go to patreoncom backslash after two beers and you can support us there. We just got a brand new membership, amy Thompson. Thank you very, very much Thank you.
Speaker 1:And we've had a lot of people that have hung on with us for a long time Mike Coddington, amongst others so thank you all very much for helping us out. We utilize the funds not only for this show, but we've been doing trivia now. We're pretty busy with that. Oh yeah and yeah yeah, we had to replace all the equipment on it, so another killer show last night.
Speaker 1:Yeah, come out to the elks, it was great yeah we're gonna keep doing those here at the uh richmond elks here locally until the end of march. Uh, those are at 7 30 on wednesdays and uh, follow us on facebook. You can also see the vfw ones we're doing here locally and uh, if you want us to, uh, we'll come to your place and do them. You know we get views and listens from all over. I ones we're doing here locally and if you want us to, we'll come to your place and do them. We get views and listens from all over. We're starting to really take off in certain countries that are unique to me. We're huge in Germany, germany's picking up Paris. People in Paris are listening.
Speaker 3:We could do trivia there. Yeah, if they front the bill.
Speaker 1:Put a bunch of us Americans in their bar. It'll be a good time. I promise you that. All right, without further ado, let's jump into the stories. Like I mentioned before we started, we've been away for three weeks, so there's a pretty good selection here. I can't wait to hear these. There's always some DUIs If you drive intoxicated in this country or around the world. I've got one from Britain this week and you either crash into something stupid or you're driving something stupid I will talk about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're going to get it. We're going to find it and talk about it.
Speaker 1:A lot of people are being silly in the world, especially here in the United States. It's got lots of those stories, but I guess, without further ado, let's go ahead and just jump right into it, let's do it.
Speaker 2:Not all of them are from Florida, are they no?
Speaker 3:No, some of them are from Indiana probably Not going to lie.
Speaker 1:My first story is from Florida. There, you knew it, that's funny, how that happens. Look, Dukes, I'm telling you. Dukes is the best I am now believing that we need to do an entire podcast just on mayo.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I told you. I mean, we're the.
Speaker 3:Midwest Mayonnaise is important around here.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right, here's the story. I got to shut you two down. We're going to keep talking about mayo the whole damn time. This happened last Sunday afternoon. It was in Fort Pierce, florida. I went to a picture scene here. Okay, 52-year year old guy. He's minding his business, he's sitting on the couch, he's got his phone out, he's rolling through the Instagram. Yeah Right, things at home aren't the greatest between him and his old lady and I can say that affectionately after you hear what's going on here His 50 year old wife. So they're basically like us. Yeah, you know, middle lifers, now Easy.
Speaker 2:Now we're not. Don't push me too many years. Okay, yeah, I'll put her out there like that.
Speaker 1:Her name is Julissa Negron and they wanted to spice things up, or maybe she did. She was in town gathering her belongings before making a big move from Puerto Rico to Connecticut. That's where she and her husband had tied the knot back in 2003. But, as with many transitions, things didn't go so smoothly that day the day before, apparently, she was on her best behavior, she had had a few too many drinks, and on this day was feeling a little bit disorderly. The argument starts over something trivial. Now, this may not be trivial in some relationships. Laundry, no, it was who he follows on Instagram. Now, I'm sure there's a lot of relationships that have been ruined by social media.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:So tensions got a little heated. She's already moving. I guess he's like fuck it, I'm just going to scroll whoever I want. She got in his face and was trying to provoke him, and when he threatened to call the police, she did what any sensible woman would do she pulled out a dildo and started swinging it like a baseball bat.
Speaker 2:Now we don't know much about the dildo itself. I did not go there.
Speaker 1:It's got to be a pretty good size one.
Speaker 3:You can swing it like a bat. He's got a little mushroom-shaped bruise on his cheek or what, oh man.
Speaker 1:Oh, when the police arrived, they were greeted by the gentleman outside. He said I'm just gonna warn you, my wife she's in there, she's probably naked and, uh, she's probably gonna flash you from a cop's perspective.
Speaker 2:You may be happy to go into such a situation, Well, might not be the worst situation I've been in. She's wielding a weapon a dildo.
Speaker 1:He explained that his wife had a history of being abusive, which is why he had to leave his own home when she went to Puerto Rico. But today she was agitated, disorderly and smelled of alcohol. Oh no, Alcohol, Not alcohol. The cause and cure this is a woman right there. This is why I love doing this with Kevin. He can pull this stuff up. This proves right here that I'm not lying, that he got beat up with a dildo.
Speaker 2:Maybe it was the suction cup end on his.
Speaker 1:Oh my God. In the end she was arrested at the scene and booked into the county jail on a misdemeanor battery count A. What Misdemeanor.
Speaker 3:There we go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it hasn't even kicked in yet.
Speaker 3:A misdemeanor.
Speaker 1:I'm hot tonight yeah you are, you're sweating.
Speaker 3:I'm conceited too Like a whore in church.
Speaker 1:She was freed on custody. Last Monday she posted a $1,000 bond. I last Monday she posted a thousand dollar bond. I just want to know when she goes in to talk to the judge he's like why did you swing the dildo on her?
Speaker 3:I like this comment how many practice swings are too many practice swings? She looks nuts.
Speaker 1:That was probably where she was gripping the dildo. That's right Only in. Florida, she looks shaft, bringing it to.
Speaker 2:Connecticut. So watch out everybody from Connecticut.
Speaker 1:I want to know who keeps a random dildo In their living room that at any moment.
Speaker 3:Could use it Like was it under the couch cushion.
Speaker 2:And she was packing up Her stuff. Maybe she already had it out and was just like you know what Today's the day.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you something. Today's the day. Buddy Shaking it at him. It sounds like she was using it like put coat hangers on with clothes. It was big enough to swing it like a bat like nunchucks or something tie them together man, nothing like internet and dildos to get a relationship out of sorts.
Speaker 3:Hey she's putting it in glasses, make sure they don't shatter oh well, I am happy to report.
Speaker 1:Uh, here's our next story. It's from texas, oh texas there you go and uh. To tell you one of my pet peeves with local here in Indiana I'm sure it's in Texas as well I am all for people that want to go out and hunt. If they're looking to bring food home, yeah, and put it in their freezer and process it and eat it. And if you want to hang the head on the wall, hey.
Speaker 3:More power to you hang the head on the wall. Hey, more power to you, whatever. It's kind of weird, but hey, you know, if you want to hang a dead animal, there's other harvesting done.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying there's a dead animal on your wall just looking at you, but I'm saying that there's other hunting that is necessary, like coyotes and such which.
Speaker 3:it's a fine line for me, because sometimes, sometimes they look like Dogs and I'm like, oh my gosh, they're from the same family.
Speaker 1:Of course, they look like dogs.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but they also kill your dogs.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, a lot of things kill dogs.
Speaker 3:If they become.
Speaker 2:I'm going to hunt beaver. Melissa asked who doesn't keep a dildo in their bedroom. You probably need a divorce In the living room. Oh okay, Do you want to permit to hunt?
Speaker 1:beaver. That's how you're going to end up with half your shit.
Speaker 3:No, I would not suggest that. Don't do it. It's not a good idea. You've got so many shits. It's a trap. It's a beaver trap. Do you know how much your child support would be?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I looked it up. It's not pretty.
Speaker 1:It'd be bigger than the USA. That.
Speaker 3:Trump just cut off. He's going to move to Florida.
Speaker 2:I'd become a government contract.
Speaker 1:There you go. All right, let's get back to this hunting thing, one of my pet peeves. I still didn't get to finish it. Go ahead, sorry. It's wild to me that people will shoot an animal and kill it and then proudly show it on Facebook and people love it.
Speaker 2:Hearts, oh look at that dead dog looking thing Like a coyote.
Speaker 1:People are so excited to show dead animals on Facebook.
Speaker 3:If there are animals that are going to kill your domestic animals or that are going to become overpopulated and do other issues.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:I'm on both sides here.
Speaker 1:Well, I'm going to tell you right now, those people are not killing those coyotes because they're worried about dogs in backyards.
Speaker 3:I know of somebody that is Well, there might be one. Most of them are worried that is there might be a one, most of them are worried about it.
Speaker 2:We'll agree to disagree. Well, let me finish what else you got. Let me finish what's in it.
Speaker 1:Most of those guys are killing those coyote because they're in their deer area and they're rabbit hunting and they want to hunt other shit that is being affected by this one, so I got to kill the coyote, so it doesn't take care of the fawns. Yeah, so I can go out and shoot them.
Speaker 2:I got to shoot these so I can shoot them, so it doesn't take out mine Exactly.
Speaker 1:Now I do agree with you it does happen. I'm sure there's a lot of hunters, there's a lot of my buddies that are like, oh man, you don't know, they'll be your dogs and cats and all that kind of stuff, and I'm like I have bald eagles that fly over my house now with a Yorkie Like it's like I've known a couple Yorkies that. I wish a bald eagle would pick up. See they even like mayo, it's all over the place, man, just people putting dead.
Speaker 2:Anyway, let's get back to the story. What do you got?
Speaker 1:Otherwise we're going to be here until next Tuesday, Thursday. Anyway, game wardens in East Texas busted a deer hunter recently. They caught him hunting this is genius to me From a porta potty. Now, he had taken a porta potty and he had set it up on someone else's property. That's why it's a problem. He had spray painted it camo and cut holes in the side of this thing for his gun. He had made it basically a deer blind. A little deer blind, yeah, With a portable shitter.
Speaker 3:Hey, it might have been cheaper.
Speaker 1:It didn't work, man. That's why I'm not even mad at this guy. Apparently he had set it up on private property and didn't ask. Officials found out about it about a year ago and set up cameras and they caught him when he came back in November on the first day of deer season. Apparently there's photos of this thing online. They charged him after he admitted to hunting without permission. He also had to remove the port-a-potty. They didn't say if it was functioning or not, but technically I always tell people this technically, anywhere can be a bathroom. If I go piss on that sidewalk, I've made that sidewalk.
Speaker 3:You can put a board over the shitter just to make sure that you've got a more comfortable seat However.
Speaker 1:These are standard deer blood. Oh, look at that. There it is.
Speaker 3:He was really good with the spray paint.
Speaker 1:Oh my, that's terrible. That's horrible. Deer would be like the deer.
Speaker 3:Like when the hell did I show up in new york city? That's terrible graffiti bud you're never gonna.
Speaker 4:Never gonna see me here I feel like it's more of a survival thing that he doesn't have to leave to go shit anything.
Speaker 3:I think he's sitting in there with with no pants, no underwear, just yeah, but if you've ever if you've ever been with a if you, if you know any deer hunters like you, have to use a certain detergent so that there's no smell on your clothes to not deter the deer away from the area. I have a suspicion that if you're dropping a deuce out there, the deer are going to be like wait a minute. That smells like skyline. I don't think that that's my area. That's not normal.
Speaker 2:That smells like Skyline I don't think that that's my area. That's not normal that smells like Duke Mayo.
Speaker 1:All right, let's go to another state. We already picked on Florida and Texas. Let's go to Wisconsin. A 22 year old woman there named Kaylee Branter, her and her husband, or future husband, her boyfriend. They got in an argument about their wedding venue and that's when things went downhill?
Speaker 2:Yeah, you never. You just agree with that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, apparently there's a guy that has an opinion about a wedding. Well, just let me know when I show up.
Speaker 2:He wanted it at the.
Speaker 1:Dales. It didn't work out for him because, as he was now he says he was claiming he was trying to leave she pulled out a knife and stabbed him in the neck. Oh, okay, that boyfriend claims Kaylee was the aggressor. She got out of control when the conversation got heated and he was trying to leave out the back door when he felt a pain in his neck it was a knife, usually a pain in the ass.
Speaker 3:But okay, I would say he dodged a bullet, but he no didn't even dodge the knife on it right in the neck.
Speaker 1:Now kaylee claims it was self-defense. Uh, she picked up the knife because she was scared. She said the stabbing happened when she put her hands up and he was coming towards her. There's no indication that the boyfriend's life is life-threatening, which is good. Injury is life-threatening. It also sounds like the police believe his version of the story. I wasn't able to. I actually did look. No word if whether or not they're still planning on getting married.
Speaker 3:I would suggest no.
Speaker 2:Let me check Facebook real quick.
Speaker 3:He's like at least hit me with a dildo, Don't do it. Facebook her away. He's like at least hit me with a dildo, Don't do it.
Speaker 1:He should have replaced all the knives with dildos in the kitchen, and he wouldn't have had a problem.
Speaker 2:You're getting sporks from now on. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Oh, this is great, you got another one. Is this the lady that stabbed him?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, oh my God, you know just stabbed her boyfriend. But ma'am you stabbed him. The neighborhood crime watch area. You stabbed him in the back of the neck.
Speaker 4:They didn't do shit, did they yeah?
Speaker 3:like if he was coming at her it wouldn't have been in the back of the neck. Yeah, I believe him too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, bitches be crying. Honestly, it's her wedding. She's probably been planning this for years.
Speaker 3:Since she was a child.
Speaker 1:however, I didn't realize that was a thing until my daughter-in-law or stepdaughter stepdaughter-in-law told me that, like she had been planning a wedding since she was a kid. Yeah, and I'm like wow, there you go. I wanted to play baseball. I didn't Something. You know what I mean?
Speaker 3:I'm gonna thumb wrestle little girls with little blankets attached to their heads pretending to be brides, just rub some mayo on it. Oh gosh, there you go then you gotta worry about coyotes eating.
Speaker 1:All right, he's circling back we are recording this on february. I gotta keep you two in line tonight. Yeah, you do. The makers is making you two go off on tan. That's my job normally. If all three of us are doing it, we're in trouble. Uh, we are recording this on thursday, february 13th. That makes tomorrow a very important day here in the united states and around the world. It is valentine's day. Yeah, I. Uh, I said on the radio I do a little point. Uh, radio show here locally that, uh, I, valentine's Day is too close to Christmas. That is a lot of pressure on a man. Within a month and a half, come up with another. Yes, if you fuck up one, you cannot fuck up the other. It's done. It's done.
Speaker 2:Well, that's what they. Valentine's Day, you fuck up Christmas. Hey, redeem yourself. You got a couple months Now.
Speaker 1:I'm going to ask you both and I would love to hear from our listeners on this If this would be something they would be interested in. There's a company in California man, we are jumping all over the US tonight. Yes, it's called Magical Adventure Balloon Rides. It's based 90 miles southeast of L of LA in Temecula, california. Temecula, temecula. Yeah, yeah, that's probably right, temecula. I like yours better. Temecula is better, though. Okay, yeah, probably sounds right.
Speaker 3:I love it when you don't know how to pronounce something. You actually do like a little bit of an accent.
Speaker 1:Well, I figured, if I say it fast enough, people will move on. Oh yeah, we know that. Hunter says I got Valentine's and a birthday a week apart.
Speaker 1:Guess who's eating ramen noodles for the next month? Yes, all right. So this company at a Temecula? There you go, and I've heard that I'm fucking idiot. Anyway, they do a thing that allows you, in this hot air balloon, to join the Mile High Club. There's a pilot with you. This is all true. By the way, there's a pilot with you. He hides behind a screen with earmuffs to give you privacy.
Speaker 3:The basket is not that big, what the hell.
Speaker 2:He's like, hey, I can't hear nothing.
Speaker 3:I can't hear nothing but will you please? Quit rubbing your cheeks on mine Are you done already.
Speaker 2:You got 30 seconds and I turn around hey weren't there two of you up here.
Speaker 1:If you grab my crotch one more time, the balloons normally stop around 3,000 feet, but their mile-high trip goes to 5,280 feet. To give you the full experience, the whole flight is three hours long.
Speaker 2:I guess there better be sandwiches and shit packed. What are you going to do for the other two? What are you going?
Speaker 3:to do for the other two hours and 53 minutes.
Speaker 2:Oh, I said 55.
Speaker 1:Solo said he lived there. I bet he didn't call it Tamucula. Tamamuculucula, tamacucula, I love you, it's the makers oh my god, no man, it's just stupidity. I love it even more that you're drinking it out of a blizzard cup imagine stopping at the Dairy Queen on the way here and explaining why you need a large cup of ice and a small cup of just diet soda with no ice in it. He's like you want straws? I'm like nah, man, I ain't drinking this with a straw cheers so this is this the actual web page.
Speaker 1:Is there photos?
Speaker 3:wow, I want to see how big this basket is no, there's a.
Speaker 1:That's part of it. So here's the interesting part about this opportunity for you. Uh, like I mentioned, it's three hours long. The price is fourteen hundred dollars for two passengers, but for a mere 159 you can bring a third person, a fourth person.
Speaker 2:Oh no, you shut, yes, you can have.
Speaker 3:How are? All of you gonna fit in that basket the.
Speaker 1:Uh, the basket fits up to 10 people maybe not lying down. Okay, maybe you gotta like be on your knees or something. You can pull a train in a balloon.
Speaker 3:We're in our forties. Okay, let's be honest.
Speaker 2:I ain't pulling nothing but a hamstring.
Speaker 4:Oh my God, I think no, it's shady, because it won't let you just go by yourself.
Speaker 1:Oh, you want to skeet over the mountainside?
Speaker 4:Oh are you being nice.
Speaker 3:Back to the mayo he said I don't need a threesome, I just need a handsome.
Speaker 2:I'm just going to rain on Temecula right now. Oh my God, I'm going to skeet, skeet, skeet all over.
Speaker 4:Hey, what's your credit card number?
Speaker 1:This is real people. This is the value that After Two Beers brings to the community.
Speaker 2:Hey, I'm telling you what. If there's a product out there, somebody will come up with it the mile they're they are booked up. They're booked solid for the next month and a half.
Speaker 3:Oh, three hours, three hours of shame can you imagine I want to see lots of stuff now, gibler I want to ask you this, let's say your significant other.
Speaker 1:He says uh, I got a surprise for valentine's day. I I'm gonna take you up on a hot air balloon.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, because you know this is a guy's idea, right?
Speaker 1:That's all he tells you. All right, and so you get in and you're like all right, this is cool. Have you ever been in a hot air balloon? No, have you. No, I haven't either. Would you do it?
Speaker 3:A regular hot air balloon yeah, oh, hot air balloon, yeah oh yeah yeah, I don't know that I really want to be like bumping uglies up in the air. That's not what.
Speaker 2:I'm asking.
Speaker 3:I mean, I'm not against it, but I don't know that I'm like hey $100.
Speaker 4:They give you a pen, though you get a mile-high pen and a commemorative digital picture. Hey, frontier Airlines is even cheaper, have you?
Speaker 2:seen their bathrooms though. Hey Captain, why are you putting on a blindfold?
Speaker 1:The final, thing to me is when Kevin says that they offer a picture.
Speaker 2:I'm thinking like is it like at Kings Island, like when you're right in the middle of the ride?
Speaker 1:Like look at the face you were making.
Speaker 3:Oh, I don't want any pictures of the O face, okay, like he's like.
Speaker 1:I make that face all the time. Nobody needs to go back to my story, so you get, you're in the boat, you're in this thing, you're excited, you've never been in a hot air balloon, yeah. And all of a sudden, uh, as you're enjoying the majestic view of the uh, the nature below, your significant other just drops his britches right, yeah, and the guy's like oh, oh, oh and puts up a screen says happy valentine's day and you're like what the fuck did I just walk in and you can't get out of said situation that's an awkward conversation for the next three hours.
Speaker 2:You can't just call it an Uber.
Speaker 1:Right, you can hang off.
Speaker 3:You're not going to shimmy down the rope or anything.
Speaker 2:Get out of here. You better do something.
Speaker 1:All right, all right, there you go I want to know who's in on this.
Speaker 3:Hold my left thumb in.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm going to have to pass on that one bud. I'm out.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, for extra money. You could pay him to slap your ass, oh God.
Speaker 2:Oh man.
Speaker 3:Every time you're in a rhythm, all of a sudden it's.
Speaker 1:These aren't really so much stories as much as they're just facts, because I don't really have any more details to go along with this story. But these come from Seattle, in Pennsylvania Okay, details to go along with this story. But these come from seattle, in pennsylvania okay, um, and it just shows you where our world economy is going, at least here in the united states. In seattle, the other night someone stole more than 500 eggs from a restaurant. It comes just days after someone stole a hundred thousand eggs holy cow from a supplier in Pennsylvania. Whoa. My question is when did eggs get to be such a big deal? Bird flu I'm not even talking about that. Like I watch the news, it's on CNN.
Speaker 2:It's on.
Speaker 1:Fox News. It's on News Nation. Some people are like, oh, it's bird flu. Other people are like, oh, I thought you were going to fix the price of eggs. My whole question is why did eggs become the barometer of how our economy is doing? Right, that's all I hear about now is the price of eggs. Amanda came home last night Shit you not. She's like price of eggs for 18 is $7.99 now, yeah. And she's like I want you to talk about that on the podcast. This is for her. Yeah, Joke's on her, though I got her a balloon ride.
Speaker 2:We got a balloon ride tomorrow, baby.
Speaker 3:I just sold those 100,000 eggs.
Speaker 1:We can do a few balloon rides now I was in a meeting today with a customer of mine and he was telling me that him and his wife had just spent a week in Florida, or a month rather.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow.
Speaker 1:From December to him and his wife had just spent a week in florida, or a month rather, oh wow, from december to early january in florida, so clearly they're not hurting financially, no, no. But he told me, a dozen eggs is 9.99 down there in florida, so him and his wife freeze-dried 25 dozen eggs to take with them and I'm like. This is america at its greatest right.
Speaker 3:Eggs isn't everything, though, if you think about it.
Speaker 1:No, I understand. When was the last time you actually cooked with eggs?
Speaker 3:Oh, I cook. I love eggs, I know.
Speaker 1:How often do you eat eggs, Like every day?
Speaker 3:If I could, I would. I'm asking you though I mean, I don't like.
Speaker 1:I had eggs yesterday.
Speaker 2:I can't tell you the last time I had an egg. I don't like eggs, so I don't worry about the price, I don't love eggs.
Speaker 3:But if you think about it, if you want to make a thing of brownies, you've got to have at least one, you've got to have at least one egg.
Speaker 1:When was the last time you made brownies? It's been a minute. That's what I'm saying and I don't. You know you can buy a chicken for like eight bucks. You can go get them as little critters out here and Easter's coming up.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, and just grow them yourself. Yeah, but you got to kill those coyotes though.
Speaker 1:No man.
Speaker 3:So they don't get your chickens.
Speaker 1:You know how you do it. You take your chicken and you coat it with Miracle Whip.
Speaker 3:You take your chicken and you coat it with Miracle Whip, there you go.
Speaker 1:No, because they like that.
Speaker 3:It's not that nobody likes Miracle Whip.
Speaker 1:That's right, they won't eat your chickens.
Speaker 3:I love eggs. I would eat eggs every single day. Like I love them hard-boiled, I love them scrammy. I love them on a sammy.
Speaker 1:What's your favorite way to eat an egg?
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:Left in the I love eggs. I could eat eggs. It's kind of like I always said that since I started doing dieting and stuff, it's like I could eat meat and cheese trays and eggs for every meal.
Speaker 1:I could eat it for every meal.
Speaker 3:Love hard-boiled love, scrammy I like it. I don't like it over easy. I like it over. Is it like it?
Speaker 4:I don't like it over easy. I like it over?
Speaker 2:Is it over medium? I don't want that. I don't want the snotty stuff. I don't like the snotty stuff.
Speaker 1:I do, I like, I like. I'll tell you, you like a little bit of the snotty Snotty white.
Speaker 3:I want the white conge.
Speaker 1:You don't even know. Have you ever had a fried egg on a hamburger?
Speaker 2:No, I would never order it for one.
Speaker 3:Oh, it's so good. A brunch burger breakfast burger.
Speaker 2:That sounds good. Let me get my hamburger covered in snot.
Speaker 3:And then, if you can find a place that has a bacon jam to put on top of it with the bacon and the egg and the burger, what?
Speaker 1:are you guys doing after this? I haven't had dinner.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I know right.
Speaker 1:If we all pull our money together, we can get four eggs.
Speaker 3:We can buy a couple eggs, we can get a couple eggs.
Speaker 1:Oh, people are going to have to paint potatoes this year.
Speaker 2:Easter's really going to suck this year, isn't it? Oh?
Speaker 3:man, you egg somebody's house. What in? Oh yeah, let them. Hell Are people going to? They're just going to buy this stupid ugly plastic thing.
Speaker 2:You don't have to get plastic eggs, it's your freezer.
Speaker 1:Oh man, I can't believe how much we're talking about eggs.
Speaker 2:Here we are again. Look at this Eggs and mayo. Here's what I've learned.
Speaker 1:We should do a whole podcast that talks about just food.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Well, absolutely Everybody loves food.
Speaker 1:This whole segment should be nothing but which flavors of Doritos we should rank top five?
Speaker 3:If they could bring back the 90s. Cool Ranch Hundo.
Speaker 1:Hundo.
Speaker 3:Yes, they had all of the flavor on them. All right, let's go. What do we got next? Let's get out of Temecula.
Speaker 1:I feel bad. It's Temecula, it's Temecula. I love you. I shouted that shit out.
Speaker 4:Oh, you should have got the email confirmation Nice.
Speaker 2:I expect video Gross.
Speaker 3:Take Spirit or Frontier Airlines.
Speaker 1:there I have known of people that have been on this show, that did OnlyFans, and I'm not about to start it after two beers, five mile high club. Nobody wants to see that. Nobody wants to see that. No, I high club. Nobody wants to see that. Nobody wants to see that.
Speaker 3:No, I'm 46. Nobody wants to see it. You'd be surprised there's somebody, kevin quit, looking at me like that.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to lie to you. This is an actual conversation.
Speaker 4:Can I bring my own?
Speaker 2:mayo. Yeah, exactly, I was getting ready to say that. Thank you, kevin, somebody will pay for mayo.
Speaker 1:You know what I always tell Amanda the bone's free. You gotta work for the gravy.
Speaker 2:And the mayo's safe, that's a great.
Speaker 1:You gotta pay for the mayo.
Speaker 2:You gotta pay for the mayo. What else we got?
Speaker 1:We are off the rails tonight. We're loving it. This one comes to us from France. We're gonna start making fun of this, one comes to us from France, france, we're going to start making fun of people overseas now. A woman was arrested after she car crashed into a Britain World War II memorial. Now she was drunk at the time.
Speaker 4:No.
Speaker 1:What makes it really interesting. It was a Churchill Mark IV tank. I pronounced all that correct. By the way, it's on permanent display at a Sward Beach in Normandy.
Speaker 3:Sward, sward, sward, beach, sward. Is it like a sword?
Speaker 1:No, or the W is silent. Is it silent? I don't know, sward. I don't know Sward.
Speaker 3:If it's a weapon, Is it a sword?
Speaker 1:It's a beach. I don't know what it is. Anyway, go ahead. There's the tank, jumped out and ran right into it. That's not visible at all. The crash happened at 530 in the morning, saturday, where thousands of troops came ashore on D-Day on June 6, 1944. The tank was on display as a part of the 79th Armored Division, one created specifically for the D-Day landings.
Speaker 3:I have a feeling her car is going to be more jacked up than that?
Speaker 2:Oh, it didn't even budge. Yeah, it didn't even.
Speaker 3:It was just like what the hell did you just do?
Speaker 1:You know. This proves to me that I should probably read these stories before we start. The Churchill was donated to France permanently by General Ian Harris. Pronounce that correctly. Who commanded the 2nd Battalion? That is the way to pronounce that of the. Royal.
Speaker 2:Ulster.
Speaker 1:Rifles on D-Day, but Battalion of Battalion, 2nd Battalion. Apparently it screwed her car up pretty significantly.
Speaker 2:I would think so.
Speaker 1:Didn't damage the tank at all. No, it might get a little scratch in the paint. And she got arrested? Oh, I would hope so.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 3:She gone.
Speaker 1:Oh, that makes me happy. See. Then say this Sward Sward, sward, sward.
Speaker 2:You know why I say, it's the S-word I'll tell you I had a roommate in college.
Speaker 1:His name was Matt Sward.
Speaker 2:And so that's really why it's almost a joke we had a guy next to us my freshman year.
Speaker 1:His last name was Wursh, oh no, and we called him Wurshrag. So now, it's not sword, it's sword.
Speaker 3:Well, I just like I always make fun of words like that Like I'm like, oh, I need to go and get a knife for. I'm like, oh, I need to go and get a knife. I'm going to crack my knuckles.
Speaker 1:All right, I'm going to prepare the two of you for something important. Okay, we've done almost 175 episodes of After Two Beers in this format, plus about another 30 that magically disappeared. Because I don't want my kids to ever hear the first few episodes we ever did.
Speaker 3:I don't want your kids to ever hear that either.
Speaker 4:Coming to a Patreon near you.
Speaker 1:Oh my God. No, they do not exist. I deleted them. They're somewhere, they're in the Library of Congress. But I'm talking, it was not.
Speaker 3:Oh, you really did delete, delete.
Speaker 1:They're not, they don't exist. He control alt deleted. Yeah, they are, they are gone, oh the original shit and stuff. Yeah, gone. We don't need to hear that stuff. No, we don't. But anyway, we started this podcast in 2018. It's 2025. We are affectionately and happily in our seventh year. Yeah, we are excited to move forward and, in my time in doing this podcast, this may be my favorite story that I have ever told Ever. I can't wait to hear it On this podcast.
Speaker 2:This is the best part, because we don't know what these stories are Right.
Speaker 3:I hope you know that.
Speaker 1:How many viewers do we have watching live right now? Ten, right now.
Speaker 4:Oh, on Facebook, I'm not sure about YouTube and Twitch.
Speaker 2:We don't know what these stories are, so this is the best part.
Speaker 1:This is the best part about turning in for a show like this. A guy in northern Canada got into a drunken brawl outside a bar two weeks ago. That checks out January 12th, I guess it's almost a month now. It happened shortly after midnight on January 12th in Fort McMurray I pronounced that right About 250 miles north of Edmonton. So we're talking Up there oh yeah, you're high-fiving polar bears and shit on the way home. The temperature was single digits at least, maybe colder, and, as I mentioned, this gentleman got into a brawl and it resulted in him going outside during the fight and apparently, according to TMZ, pants fell down, oh no, and he landed on his stomach. And when he landed on his stomach, no, his junk immediately froze to the ground, shut up. He's laying there with his dick stuck to the ground.
Speaker 3:I want to know why his dick was wet, though it's a stick.
Speaker 2:I mean, when you fight, you don't get. Oh, wait a minute, I've got you.
Speaker 1:This is why I love having Kevin here.
Speaker 2:This proves I'm not lying.
Speaker 3:His dick froze to the pavement during his arrest for a drunken brawl. Maybe he peed a little.
Speaker 2:You never know.
Speaker 1:See, Don, that's. It's like a wet tongue I'm going to knock the piss out of you. Yeah, they call that pre-ejaculate he was excited oh my Lord. Someone on Facebook claimed that's not actually what happened. They claim it actually happened. After the fight got broken up, Cops made him lie face down while arresting him, and that's when it happened. Oh no, Apparently. Oh no, Apparently. There's footage of him being peeled off the ground.
Speaker 2:Oh no, Well, if he wasn't circumcised, he is now.
Speaker 1:It's blurred, but you can tell it wasn't pleasant Shut up, that's just a tip. Do you think animals went back later and they were like oh man, I need this. It had a little mayo on it, A little egg scramble a little over medium egg. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be that he is?
Speaker 2:How do you explain that to your next lady friend? I don't even.
Speaker 3:I want to know hey we just know that it was longer than his belly, though.
Speaker 1:Well, he was laying face down.
Speaker 2:He was laying face down.
Speaker 1:Josh Hunter says it's like a reverse Christmas.
Speaker 2:It is. It is Wrong inch.
Speaker 3:Wrong inch, wrong inch.
Speaker 2:Somebody pee on it. That's the question I have. Yeah, why did?
Speaker 3:you guys peel and not just like toss some warm water or something.
Speaker 2:If they didn't know, they probably just yanked him out. Oh my.
Speaker 1:God, oh, my God.
Speaker 2:It's like ripping a band-aid off you.
Speaker 1:Maybe he didn't know at that point. He's definitely circumcised now, oh my god, if it wasn't purple already. Yeah, it was frost bit turned black he's like oh, it's gonna get bigger.
Speaker 3:Definitely looks like grimace now.
Speaker 1:Definitely looks like grimace oh my god, wow, I can't imagine like hey man hurts. Can you sue somebody like like?
Speaker 2:hey, be careful, pull me up, I'm stuck to the ground. Oh my gosh, what do you do?
Speaker 1:All right Out Two, three, four. I saw four more stories.
Speaker 2:There you go, we got 15 minutes.
Speaker 1:This is why, no, we can go over.
Speaker 3:We don't pay for rights on this shit, I got stuff to do I'll tell you what the FCC doesn't control us that.
Speaker 2:That mayo just went right off the rails, didn't it, Jesus mate?
Speaker 3:Are we still talking about it again?
Speaker 1:He's trying. He's trying. Got his dick frozen to a sidewalk.
Speaker 3:Hey, did you know that?
Speaker 2:mayo is actually made with eggs, I'm done.
Speaker 1:I'm done. She did it. Cut her off. There's a lot of them, all right. Here's another one coming out of England. I guess the one was out of France. A mix-up involved a British nuclear sub and it almost kicked off an international incident with Russia. Recently the UK Navy was scanning for sounds of enemy activity underwater and they thought they heard a Russian drone sub. The sound was heard at least twice, so they were freaking out. I love this fucking story. They thought Russia was dropping listening devices on the ocean floor to track Britain's nuclear subs, but after analyzing the sound they think it might be something else.
Speaker 2:Might have been a whale, I think I know.
Speaker 1:They think it was a whale fart.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, so you're telling me a Russian sub sounds like a whale fart.
Speaker 1:Well, according to the UK.
Speaker 3:It depends if they had mayo or eggs Apparently.
Speaker 1:They've been mistaken for enemy subs before. A source in the military said they're still studying the data and taking it very seriously, are we sure?
Speaker 2:Is it not a fart?
Speaker 3:I want to know what whale farts sound like? Now, like I'm extremely. No, apparently not, I really do. Like you can smell it, no, is it like a question? Is it a question for like a?
Speaker 1:I think it's funny. You know, I told a story on this podcast, I don't know four or five months ago Wow. About a whale at a sea world that took a shit in the pool.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then swam around and splashed people with the shit water.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'm like you know, I think a whale now is my spirit animal. Yeah, and when I hear this this whale crop dusted a sub and almost started a nuclear war, do you?
Speaker 3:think the whale was like hey, I'm going to go drop a bomb.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, it crop dusted a nuclear sub for fun. Hey, Barry, Barry, Barry, I'm going to drop a bomb on this. Oh again, this is why I love it. Oh, it doesn't happen to the I'm not making it up.
Speaker 2:So that submarine would start, stuck in the Wells, fart bubbles. Oh, depth charges, there are depth charges.
Speaker 3:I made a sub and had to fart, but I never had a fart sound like a sub.
Speaker 2:Oh my lord, that is one right there, you're right.
Speaker 1:I want to know what that bubble looks like when it comes to the surface it's like a VW. Can you imagine her out? Like a little boat, it's like a little bug. What's that smell? Oh my God, we had a methane pocket.
Speaker 3:I don't, I do not, oh my God, I don't want to know what a whale fart smells like.
Speaker 1:All the plankton, I feel like we need to send we're going to start making sweatshirts and t-shirts again. We've been saving up all our ones From our shows.
Speaker 3:That was a whale of a part.
Speaker 1:We're going to have a shirt made. I think Aaron Sitlow deserves one for his comments tonight. He says the Loch Ness noncer.
Speaker 3:The what Loch Ness monster. Are you having a stroke? I'm telling you, do I need to call emergency.
Speaker 1:You know it's so funny. You say that I've been. I've heard that if you're in a stroke you can't whistle or sing, and every time I'm not that good at either. Anyway, I start to immediately whistle in the song I always sing. Is you never even call me by my name? Oh no, I may have a stroke one day, and I'll know, because I can't sing. David Allen Coe, that's the life. I live.
Speaker 3:Anyway, the Loch Ness Monster.
Speaker 1:The Loch Ness Monster Monster. I didn't pronounce that right. He said it's just a whale's penis. There's an article on it. It's a great article apparently. It sounds like the president's talking about now. You know what? If I had a penis that was that large, I'd swim back, swim all my back Back, swim all the time too, just showing off, and then I'd fart for fun.
Speaker 2:Then hop in an air balloon, try to cause a war. Hot air balloon, oh man oh my gosh.
Speaker 3:All right, that got derailed.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to lie to you. These next three stories are all massively great as well. Oh god, I can't. I'm gonna start with uh, the least of the my favorite, but it's still a good one, and this is why tiktok I was okay when it was going to be removed. Right, a 25 year old man there in texas we're back to texas. He could face charges after a video showed him using a three-month-old baby like a snow brush to clear off his windshield.
Speaker 2:What. Yes, there was a video of this too. The baby was in a big. You know Burka, burka, blanket, blanket, whatever.
Speaker 3:It was covered, but you still don't.
Speaker 1:People on TikTok thought it was a doll, but it was a real baby. He pushed the kid. That's a real baby.
Speaker 3:Like look how gentle he's being, with that, three month old. Why is that guy only in a t-shirt, though? Why is he using a three month old to clean his car.
Speaker 1:Where's this again, texas? This is remember they had that snowstorm.
Speaker 2:Look at this poor baby, that hippie. He didn't know he didn't know.
Speaker 3:You know what I don't know. I wish that he would fall down and have his penis stuck to the ground.
Speaker 1:It happened in Port Arthur. I feel like you don't have one.
Speaker 3:Yeah no, you don't have a penis if you're doing shit like that, Well, let me read some more deals about it.
Speaker 1:I don't care, we can chat about this gentleman. It happened in Port Arthur, Texas. It's about 90 miles east of Houston. The area doesn't get a lot of snow and he was obviously trying to be funny or go viral. It looks like he might actually be. This is a low level TikTok trend.
Speaker 3:He might go viral on his like community busted newspaper. What is that? What is that page called when we see all the people that get arrested? Is it called Busted Newspaper?
Speaker 2:The Smoking Gun my yearbook.
Speaker 3:No, it's Busted Newspaper, oh no. Oh, I don't watch it Okay, anyway, go ahead Sorry.
Speaker 1:Our newest sponsor says well, they don't keep ice creepers in their car. Meanwhile the dog is sitting there going man. I'm glad he's not using me. I'm still blown away. I mean, a three-month-old is still a very fragile human being. That was very wild and he's whipping that baby around. That's a live three-month-old. Where's mom? Mom is going to be so pissed.
Speaker 2:That is not sped up or nothing that has.
Speaker 3:Oh my God is going to be so pissed. That is not sped up or nothing that has. Look, I mean, oh my God, that's not a real baby.
Speaker 1:Yes, no, it's not. I'll tell you why it was. He got arrested for it. Let me continue.
Speaker 2:Yeah, finish it up.
Speaker 3:Fuck that guy. Yeah, he should be.
Speaker 1:The good news is cops did a welfare check. The baby is fine. The guy hasn't been charged yet. We'll have to follow up to see. They also haven't released his name yet, but he's expected to face child endangerment charges.
Speaker 3:Oh, I'm sure he made bail with all the money he made off of that stupid ass video.
Speaker 1:I bet you when his wife gets home, she's going to beat the shit out of him with a dildo. I hope so. Hey, baby, look at this video I made. Can we see that video one more time? No, I don't want to. This is real.
Speaker 3:This is my newspaper. Oh, I don't like it. I don't like it.
Speaker 1:No, this is what happens when you put TikTok. People want to be famous and they use a three-month-old Well and who's filming it?
Speaker 4:Mom, Right, there you go.
Speaker 2:Who was the other half?
Speaker 3:I mean, the guy does have a twat. Knot that part right there.
Speaker 1:that baby just got so much ice in the face Right.
Speaker 2:Like what is going on with that. That's gross.
Speaker 1:I don't like it, but I've seen people here in Indiana that would have had that baby out without socks on. Oh yeah, why do people not put shoes and socks on their babies?
Speaker 3:I mean, it's not like they're going to go run a marathon or anything, but still you need to protect their feet.
Speaker 2:I know I'm saying you still need to protect their feet. They take babies out.
Speaker 1:That might be the only time that kid sees snow. Yeah, because they got frostbite in his eyes and it fucking fell out, or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:His face got a.
Speaker 3:I don't like this one. Let's get one, all right.
Speaker 1:We're moving on Well. That's why we bring it up, because we want people to see how stupid Americans are. This one comes to us from the great state of Wisconsin. Again, yes, now I've shared this story offline with both of you because I think it's just that interesting. I didn't even know this was possible. This isn't a goal for people at home. By the way, when I read this story, 52-year-old Rand spell that. Pronounce that last name for me smart ass.
Speaker 2:I love it, villarreal that ain't it, no, villarreal no G-I-L-L-A-R-R-E-A-L Villarreal yeah, welcome to my world.
Speaker 1:It's hard, this show Villarreal it's not Villarreal.
Speaker 3:Villarreal, okay, go ahead. I got a bad case of the show Valeria. Anyway, it's not Valeria.
Speaker 2:Villarreal Okay, go ahead. I got a bad case of Valeria the other day, villarreal.
Speaker 1:Villarreal. Anyway, we'll just call him Randy. There you go, randy is a middle school teacher in what's that city called.
Speaker 3:Waukesha.
Speaker 1:Waukesha there you go. Sounds like you're making fun of somebody. Waukesha, waukesha, there you go. Sounds like you're making fun of somebody. Rude, rude. Anyway, randy is a 52-year-old teacher in Wisconsin, near Milwaukee. Cops got a call this was about three weeks ago about a hit-and-run crash that occurred at 7.30 in the morning 7.30?. Oh, I remember this one Now the important part for all of the viewers listeners of this is to remember this is 730.
Speaker 2:AM 730 AM.
Speaker 3:And he's a teacher. He's on his way to.
Speaker 2:I was going to say. Correct me if I'm wrong, this guy's a teacher. Yep, yep, yep, he's a middle school gym teacher. And something about gym teachers.
Speaker 1:You know what I mean. You know what I mean.
Speaker 3:I do know what you mean.
Speaker 1:It turned out Randy had dropped his kid off at a different school. Then he drove off, but while he was driving off he rear-ended someone on his way to work and he left the scene. He told the person he had to go because he was a teacher and had to get to school. I'm sorry I fucked your car up. I gotta go teach some kids.
Speaker 3:Here's my insurance card. Yeah.
Speaker 1:The person who got hit got a picture of the license plate and then they found the Randy smashed up Jeep in the school parking lot. Now here's where it gets interesting. Yeah, this is why this story is. Because at this point, this happens probably 100 times a day in the US. They gave him four field sobriety tests and he failed them all. So the principal asked them to search his office and they found even more alcohol. That's not even the important. No, this right here when they breathalyzed him.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I didn't even know this was possible. He blew a .4, which is five times the legal limit, which is how is this thing will go?
Speaker 3:Almost half of your blood is alcohol.
Speaker 1:No, that would be 50%. This is like .4%.
Speaker 3:Isn't .4 a 40%.
Speaker 1:No, that's four-tenths of a percent.
Speaker 2:Okay, this is a lot. This is the highest that the thing will measure is .4.
Speaker 3:I'm just doing percentages here. .4 is 40%.
Speaker 1:A vampire could get lickered.
Speaker 2:Half their blood is alcohol .4, not .04.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, I know what you're saying, but 1.4 would be 1.4%. Oh, okay, so it's different with that.
Speaker 3:I'm just thinking percentage. You say .4, that's 40%. Yeah, well, that's true. It's different with that. I'm just thinking percentage. You say 0.4. That's 40%. Oh, yeah, yeah, well, that's true. Well, you can work in a bank, that's true, anyway, I'm pretty sure his alcohol.
Speaker 2:It's way high. It's the highest ever.
Speaker 3:Anyway, and that's my point, it's over four times your legal limit.
Speaker 1:They say it could been higher, but unfortunately the breathalyzer maxes out at .4.
Speaker 2:They don't know exactly and now remind you, 7.30 in the morning, 7.30.
Speaker 3:7.30 in the morning. This guy does not have an eye color other than yellow?
Speaker 2:Is this 7.30? Is that when a crash happened or when they found him at work?
Speaker 1:7.30 is when he dropped his kid off. He had a kid in a car with him while he was driving to point four to schools. He went from one school to another school at 7.30 in the morning.
Speaker 2:And they found him.
Speaker 1:Point four.
Speaker 2:He was functioning.
Speaker 1:He wasn't even asleep. In court a judge told him he was lucky to be alive. He said he couldn't believe someone could be that drunk, especially before 8 am. Randy says man, you have been hung out and partying with me, brother. Yeah, he's facing multiple charges, including driving drunk with a kid in the car. He's due back in court. It actually should have happened. So well, that must be that right there. I'd love to.
Speaker 2:Point four Like when they showed up, god love him.
Speaker 1:But shit man. That's a lot of alcohol. That is a lot of alcohol.
Speaker 2:Point four.
Speaker 3:Oh my God, you had to like put a whole pint to your face.
Speaker 2:Twice.
Speaker 1:In your face. Yeah, I've got a buddy who drank two fifths one night. I'm pretty sure he didn't hit point four, but he was sick for two days.
Speaker 3:Well, I'm, and his vomit made paint peel off of the porch, but whatever, yeah well, I mean, it happens, it happens, you can burn down a couple bushes.
Speaker 1:Piss in your gas tank, drive home. Yeah, absolutely, that's horrible. All right, here's our last. Are you guys ready for one more story?
Speaker 3:One more. What do you got baby?
Speaker 1:We're going to bookend it with Florida.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I fucking love Florida you motherfuckers do not disappoint.
Speaker 1:A guy in Florida was arrested two weeks ago on a.
Speaker 3:Sunday Florida man.
Speaker 1:Florida man For assaulting his roommate with a sandwich the 29-year-old. It didn't have mayo on it. Okay, he is Chandler. He whipped the sandwich at his roommate while they were arguing About Miracle Whip, about video games. I love Sandler whipped the sandwich at his roommate while they were arguing about Miracle Whip, about video games. I love it. Yes, now my favorite part of the story. I haven't revolved this, a revolt Revolved.
Speaker 2:Revealed.
Speaker 1:I'm just drinking bourbon tonight. I love you guys. Let's keep going.
Speaker 3:Okay, let's go. Bourbon and news.
Speaker 1:There it is Bologna sandwich. Only in Florida would it be sure to be a bologna sandwich. The guy told the police that he was trying to sleep and Okavius was in his bedroom playing the PlayStation 5, and it actually turned out to be his roommate's PlayStation. So he went in and took it while he was playing, because he was being too loud. And I believe this sincerely. My son, who's a smart kid, yells extremely loud when he's playing video games.
Speaker 2:Oh, my kids do all the time. My kids are 11.
Speaker 3:It was the first time you ever heard your kid cuss, wasn't it? Oh, they're yelling at other people.
Speaker 2:And well, my one kid, one of my twins, gives people shit. He is the best shit talker, he's 11. And will cuss you out and tell you hey, that sounds like a skill problem, buddy. Oh my God, I love it.
Speaker 1:Apparently the bologna sandwich hit the roommate's center of the chest and that was it. The police report said he had no visible injuries.
Speaker 3:Well, no, it's bologna.
Speaker 2:It's a fucking bologna.
Speaker 1:But he got charged with a felony A felony yeah, because it's an assault. It wasn't his first rodeo either. No, Apparently he's been arrested multiple times for battery, including two other attacks that also involved video games.
Speaker 3:I thought you were going to say sandwiches.
Speaker 2:Man, I thought you were going to say sandwiches. He carries like six shooters, don't be giving no baloney.
Speaker 3:Don't be giving no baloney, because I'm a man. Which man?
Speaker 1:Sitlo says they were out of dildos. Apparently in 2022, he had gotten upset over a video game and threatened a 60-year-old man with a knife. Threatened a 60-year-old man with a knife, but a year later he pleaded no contest after choking out his own sister during a fight that involved him gaming Wow. So now he's facing charges for felony battery and violating his probation because he threw a bologna sandwich.
Speaker 2:He's careful man, careful. Watch that mayo, watch your maids. I tell you what. You put egg in my. You put egg on my sandwich, salt, a salt.
Speaker 1:I told it right at your chest. I almost A salt and pepper. Oh, I almost did a netty pop in bourbon. It's so gross, it would have been the nastiest bourbon-laced snot bubble. I wouldn't do that.
Speaker 2:I'd take it off and throw it at the wall.
Speaker 1:Oh, so nasty, All right. Well, you know, like I mentioned, it's been a few weeks since we've been back, so we had a lot of interesting stories. I love every one of them. Oh, there's so many Like there's a story, if you want to look these up. There was a lady that ordered groceries from oh what's the cart one?
Speaker 2:Instant cart.
Speaker 1:Instant cart and she ordered groceries and when the guy arrived to deliver the groceries with his wife and kid in the car.
Speaker 2:Oh no.
Speaker 1:It set off an alarm in the house and the wife's like what the hell's going on? Somebody's out there trying to steal something. Husband runs out, shoots the guy in his legs. What? The guy gets back in the car, drives away to call the police.
Speaker 2:What With his wife and kid in the car, the Instacart guy.
Speaker 1:Yes, oh, no, yeah. So we didn't even have time to get into that one. That'll be next time, virginia. A guy people were double parking out in front of his house Pissed him off. He was convinced that this was some sort of human trafficking operation. Turns out it was Bible study. So if you want to read into that, one Completely off.
Speaker 2:We'll talk about that one next time on.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's what I mean we have so much shit on here, there's so much good stuff on, here we got that Now you're giving it away.
Speaker 3:We got to save some of this.
Speaker 1:Oh no, I mean, my whole goal here is to provide a service to the listener and the viewer. I'm trying to share with you the shit that's going on in the world today, because we live here in Indiana.
Speaker 2:We are sheltered. I'll admit it. We hear this shit. You won't hear this shit in the local news. You gonna hear about somebody getting attacked by a dildo.
Speaker 3:It's not happening on our news, not in the Bible.
Speaker 2:Belt. I wanna hear it Somebody be getting hit by a sandwich. We might hear that one.
Speaker 3:We might hear that one Except it's probably gonna be like somebody splattered somebody in the face with sausage gravy.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna splatter somebody with gravy.
Speaker 1:I did it. That was so gross, I did it. On that we're going to get out of here. I got to go home and finish up my adventure balloon ride reservation. It is Valentine's Day tomorrow, so everybody get your balloon ride ready Well instead of buying a dozen roses, spend a little extra money, go out and buy a dozen eggs. So seriously.
Speaker 3:I mean, like you guys have, you've been with your lady for a long time, you've been do you guys do stuff? Yeah, For.
Speaker 1:Valentine's Day, kind of Like I bought her something and then she bought me something.
Speaker 2:I'm going to buy her something, so I guess that, but we didn't wait until the day of.
Speaker 1:My very favorite thing is.
Speaker 2:I got a coupon for wings, so we're going to buy wings tomorrow for dinner. There you go. I'm excited.
Speaker 1:It's the things that make fat little white guys like me excited she texted me she goes wings tomorrow.
Speaker 2:I was like absolutely Nothing says loving like chicken wings.
Speaker 1:Am I right? Absolutely Am I right? You know, every time I eat chicken wings, I think you flock and lover flock and lover flock. All right, you know what?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm done, all right.
Speaker 1:We appreciate you tuning in to this week's podcast, the after two beers podcast. We greatly appreciate again our buddy, Kevin shook, who continues to prove that I'm not lying when I make these stories up.
Speaker 2:He provides everything.
Speaker 1:That proves that these are real stories that are going on in the world. So just when you think your life is out of control and you're like embarrassed about what you do, just know that you didn't get hit with a dildo this week or didn't get your dicks frozen to the sidewalk.
Speaker 2:I'm going to take that right now as a win.
Speaker 1:It's a win, that is a win for me this week Total win. Nor did you crash into a military tank on the way home. How did that get there? It's early. Thanks again for our Patreon sponsors. Patreoncom backslash after two beers. Make sure you tune in to our trivia. We've got those coming up for at least another six weeks or so, so we want you to hang out and enjoy those. If you want to listen to some cool music, I'm completely changing the music. I play on 1017 the Point here in Richmond. I'm on Saturdays and Sundays. You can check that out as well. And well, I think that pretty much wraps it up, Is that it?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean the one thing you do every time. It's the most important part.
Speaker 1:Talk about it. You know as much as we like to kid these people about their dicks being stuck to sidewalks and having sex in hot air balloons. In all sincerity, the bourbon's kicking in Bourbon is kicking in there's the bourbon In all sense.
Speaker 3:There's some snares and shnam, shnam, Shnam, shnam and shnam, shnam.
Speaker 1:They're schnozberries. Tastes like schnozberries. Anyway, I can't pull over In all sincerity, as I'm trying to get into the important shit.
Speaker 3:Okay, I'll shut up. I'll shut up, I know.
Speaker 1:He's going with me. He's running down the super trooper pull over anymore, man, he's already over you, boys like mexico here's what I gotta ask, and this is true, true, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I do it every day most important and, seriously, this is the it. You know we go about life and, um, there's uh, lots of people in your life that, um, maybe you don't see on a regular basis, or maybe you do, and, um, you know we all get busy in our own life. But, uh, if you see someone in your life that you feel like they're just struggling, maybe they just don't seem like themselves, or maybe they just seem down or just, um, just not the person that you always remembered them to be the only thing that we ask you to do is just do us a favor, reach out to them, ask them how they're doing, how they've been, or just let them know you care about them and appreciate them. You know we all go through our own shit and, uh, this is one of the things that I've talked to Amanda about too.
Speaker 1:In life is, uh, you know, somebody may come up and give you some shit one day and you're like, why the hell are they busting my nuts? You don't know what they're dealing with at home, you don't know. You know if a parent is sick, whatever, and child the whole thing, and all I'm simply saying is you know, let's just take care of each other out there, and if you've got somebody in your life you feel like they might be struggling, don't talk about it behind their backs or on Facebook. Reach out to them, tell them you love them.
Speaker 2:Give them a text. It's as simple as that. It takes a couple seconds to text somebody and say hey, thinking about you. Yeah, somebody say hey, thinking about you, hope everything's good.
Speaker 1:Say something like hey, man, it looks like you're down and you're struggling. Listen to this podcast, Right About this guy gets his dick stuck to the sidewalk.
Speaker 2:And you'll feel a whole lot better about it. It's hilarious.
Speaker 1:They talk about eggs and mayo. Oh, all right.
Speaker 3:And on another note, if you are feeling down and out and you're not feeling to yourself, also reach out to people, yes, and and let them know what you're going through, because I'm telling you you're not alone. No yeah life's freaking hard. Everybody deals with shit. Make sure that you have somebody in your corner. Yeah, reach out to people yeah, do it.
Speaker 1:Don't be afraid to talk about it.
Speaker 3:Mental health is a big deal. Mental health is a big deal. Yes.
Speaker 2:Very much so yes.
Speaker 1:All right, I guess we got to wrap this up.
Speaker 2:We're just running into the diarrhea of the mouth now.
Speaker 1:I guess Gibbler, without further ado, we will talk to them all next time.
Speaker 3:After two beers Take me home.