Parenting with ADHD: 5 Ways ADHD Makes Good Parents Feel Like Bad Ones

Ever found yourself holding a peanut butter spoon in your bathroom with absolutely no memory of why you’re there or what you’re doing? Welcome to parenting with ADHD, where working memory glitches meet kid interruptions, and somehow you're still expected to keep tiny humans alive and thriving. We're diving into the real challenges ADHD parents face and sharing the hacks that actually work.

• Get the full list of sources and even more content from this episode’s blog post.
• Subscribe to our newsletter!

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Who Should Listen

This episode is for any parent with ADHD. If you've mastered the art of hyperfocusing on LEGO builds at 2 AM but can't remember to feed yourself lunch, this one's definitely for you.

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What You Get In This Episode

• Real solutions for "What was I doing?" moments – Body doubling tricks and task anchoring that actually work in real life
• Time management hacks for the time-blind – How to stop deep-cleaning the fridge when you should be leaving for school
• Overstimulation survival strategies – Creating tap-out systems and emergency sensory kits for when everything feels too much
• Scripts for emotional rollercoaster days – How to repair with your kids and name that guilt gremlin
• Your ADHD superpowers as a parent – Because hyperfocus ninja skills and empathy champions are real things

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Bios

Caitlin is joined by Ariella Monti, novelist and friend. Together they're navigating the beautiful chaos of parenting while managing their own ADHD brains. They're not therapists or mental health professionals – just two women sharing what they've learned through research, experience, and plenty of trial and error. Think of them as your slightly more caffeinated mom friends who've done the homework so you don't have to.

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Sources

• All sources and more content in this episode’s blog post
• Get 20% off Ariella Monti's fantasy romance novel "Roots and Ink" with promo code CKANDGK at AriellaMonti.com
• ADDitude Mag
• Dr. Steve Storage @drstevenstorage on Instagram

The best support is a rating and a share.

Love,
CK & GK

Chapters

• 0:55 Welcome to How to Be a Grown-Up
• 2:07 Parenting with ADHD: The Challenges
• 7:12 Time Blindness and Management Strategies
• 14:44 Handling Overstimulation and Emotional Regulation
• 22:04 ADHD Parenting Strengths and Superpowers
• 26:52 Roots and Ink: Ariella's Book Promo

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:28

Hi everyone.

Speaker 2: 0:29

We're so glad you're here. Legally, we are Caitlin and.

Speaker 1: 0:37

Ariella, that will make sense to you later if you listen to the end of the show, because you'll get it All right. Welcome to how to Be a Grown-Up. This is the how-to show for moms who've served big snack for dinner and called it a parenting win. And if you're in my circle, you know what a big snack is. It's like a baby charcuterie board served in a ice cube tray. Try it, it's a big deal With me. Today. Again, I'm Caitlin, is Ariella Monti. She's a novelist and she's the love child of a garden fairy and a swashbuckling pirate. That one I made up completely, all by myself that is my favorite it's so good, isn't it so good?

Speaker 2: 1:20

that's you yeah, I am totally.

Speaker 1: 1:23

I'm putting that on merch it's like the ultimate compliment yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh man, today we're calming down. We are talking about parenting as a parent with ADHD. So last week we talked about parenting the child with ADHD and today we're talking about being a parent who has ADHD, because this mess I almost said a bad word is really hard, so, so hard. But first, let's make sure you're following us on social. Ariella uses her pen name, which again will be. It'll make sense if you listen to the end of the episode she follows or no, she doesn't follows me, I follow her but we're not talking about that.

Speaker 1: 2:19

We're talking about you following her at ariela, underscore monty on threads, instagram and the tickety talk. Find us at ck and gk podcast on all the things except Twitter, because ew. So let's get to it. Yeah, yeah, okay, our sources for today again, attitude Mag, my favorite ADHD creator, dr Steve Storage Us Find the sources in the blog post for the episode. Here's our disclaimer Parenting requires the daily execution Listen to these big words Ready the daily execution of repetitive tasks, which requires executive functioning.

Speaker 1: 3:02

And again, adhd-ers struggle with executive functioning. So our symptoms like inattention, impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, affect everything about the way we parent, from managing the household shiitake to the relationships we have with our children. So we're going to laugh through as much of this mess as we possibly can and give some real advice for how to handle these things. Just know that, again, as Ariella likes to say, your mileage will vary on these things. We are not therapists, we are not mental health professionals. We've done the research, but we're struggling just as much as you and we're learning these tips and testing them out as we go along. So things that work for us may not work for you, but you can at least have them in your back pocket as part of your toolkit to try at some other time.

Speaker 2: 3:53

Perfect Now my nose is running.

Speaker 1: 3:56

Thanks, I'm good. I'm good at disclaimers when I remember to give them. Okay. Welcome to Austin, where noses always run. So here's the first challenge that I have that I faced. It's the wait. What was I doing? Yeah, like a regular part of my life. It looks like your working memory glitches, like your brain caches in the middle of a sentence, plus, you have a kid interrupting your train of thought, and that all kind of leads to things like why do I have a spoon of peanut butter in my hand? But I'm in the bathroom, which is which sounds weird, but it's because I was taking. I was gonna give the dog a bath and I had her lick mat in the bathroom and I was gonna put the dog peanut butter on the lick mat that was stuck to the wall of the shower, but I forgot what I was doing as I was doing it so you're just in the bathroom with a spoonful, with a spoonful of dog peanut butter and not knowing why, and I had put the dog peanut butter jar down somewhere behind me on the way.

Speaker 1: 5:06

My house is not big, it's it's like a four-step hallway from the kitchen to here, and it's like what was I just doing? And then I had to retrace my steps. But I got it. So here's one of the fixes Body doubling. We've talked about this before. Call a friend while you're doing your chores, okay, that way you can say hey, ariella, I'm about to give the dog a bath. Can you help me make sure that I actually do accomplish this task? Great Thanks, appreciate it.

Speaker 1: 5:36

Task anchoring this is a fun one. This is like if you want to build a habit, you pair a new thing with the thing you do all the time, right. So like you want to learn to take vitamins and every day you make your coffee at the same time of day, put the vitamins on top of the coffee maker, right? That's how you task anchor. So you're going to pair a routine with a sensory cue. Like, while your coffee is brewing, you always unload the dishwasher, so that the smell of coffee makes you go oh, I need to. I need to unload the dishwasher. So that's one way to help yourself with the whole wait.

Speaker 1: 6:11

I was doing something, something I was going to do something. I forgot what that is. I hope it's not holding runny dog peanut butter on a spoon in the bathroom. That was so bad, okay. The next one is I forgot how to adult. Welcome to this show. The adult adults trying to be grownups is this show the adults trying to be grownups is this show? So this looks like missed dentist appointments both yours and your child's Fun Unpaid bills. Forgetting to feed yourself, which we've talked about in a food episode not too long ago. Make sure you go listen to that. It's in the ADHD Spotify playlist. So here's how to fix that. I'm going to say this with claps Don't rely on willpower or memory. Don't rely on willpower or memory.

Speaker 1: 7:00

Use visual cues like calendars, timers, whiteboards, family calendars, whatever it is to let them do the thinking and the reminding for you, because you won't do it.

Speaker 2: 7:14

Nope.

Speaker 1: 7:14

I'm going to hold your hand while I say this. You will not remember. Remember this we do not control the remember. Adhd brains do not control the remember. That's why you will remember an interaction you had with a parent seven years ago that you still cringe at, but you can't remember why you're standing in the bathroom with a spoonful of peanut butter in your hand, right, that's the reason. Another one, and I love this, I'm gonna start doing this.

Speaker 1: 7:42

I found this tip automate or delegate anything that cannot be automated, like bill payments and stuff like that. You need to outsource it. Maybe, that is, you need to have your husband set a reminder on his phone for you to do something, but you need to have someone else be responsible for helping you with the remember. So set up as much as you can on auto payment. You know, auto pay your mortgage, auto transfers, whatever it is you have to do, and then the rest of it have someone else help you remember. You call the dentist. I'll schedule the haircut Check with me in 15 minutes to make sure it got done, because there's a really good chance I've forgotten those 15 minutes that I was supposed to do that.

Speaker 1: 8:26

Did we both accomplish our task? Great, did probably on me. Great, I'll go make that phone call, yeah, um, the other thing that I like to do is, if it's somebody, if it's a appointment that I can schedule via text like my son's haircuts I can schedule with our woman via text I will. When he says, hey, mom, I need to get a haircut with an iPhone or other phones, I'm sure at this point you can schedule the message to go out, so it doesn't have to be oh, you know it doesn't. Maybe you know they don't wake up until after 830. So then schedule the message to go out at 945. Like, those are things you can do, so try that.

Speaker 2: 9:09

That's a good. That's a good tip.

Speaker 1: 9:11

Thank you, you can, can do so. Try that. That's a good, that's a good tip. Thank you. You can do it with emails too, like write the email and then schedule it to send that's a good idea okay, another challenge, so we've got two.

Speaker 1: 9:22

So far, the wait. What was I doing that I forgot to adult. Here's another one time blindness meets the tiny time sucking tyrants that live in your house, the what is not crotch goblins. That's not appropriate. That's not the ones I was. There's another one that I was thinking of spawn anyway, their offspring yeah, offspring, but there's another, there was one that's kind of mean that I that, I think, is funny anyway, that's what they are they're tiny time-sucking t-rexes, as you mentioned in the last episode.

Speaker 1: 9:56

So what it looks like is oh cool, school starts in five minutes. Yep, this is definitely time to deep clean the fridge. And we know this happens because jenny talked about how she reorganized the fridge before going to work ended up being late for work because she was reorganizing the fridge. So this is real, and it's not because you want to do it, then it's because you're looking for something in the fridge and then you're like, oh, I can't find anything and you just completely lose your mind and the dopamine hits you and you just have to start going nuts and then you take everything out and then you turn around and it's all on your kitchen island and you hate yourself. So, anyway, time blindness fixes One estimate the time that you think it's going to take and then actually measure the time it takes to complete a test.

Speaker 1: 10:46

Measure it more than once, because if you are measuring it and you know you're measuring it your ADHD brain is going to go. Well, I said it would take 40 minutes, I'm going to go as fast as I can and I'm not going to get distracted, and then you'll finish in 25. And then the next time you'll be like oh, I can, I can do this in 25 minutes, but it'll take you 45. And then you've lost those 20 minutes. So you have to measure, it would say two to three times, and then use that amount of time to plan. Okay so, and you'll really start to learn how crappy you are at time management, wouldn't you?

Speaker 1: 11:25

yeah I have done that. So with my task management software for work there's a way to time yourself, like time tracking, in case you have like billable hours or whatever. And I don't use it for billable hours because I'm salaried. I use it for seeing how long it takes me to do this, and the amount of time I think it takes me to write two emails for a client is way more time than I ever estimate. So just something to think about.

Speaker 2: 11:50

Yeah, I thought I was going to get my organizing my notes yesterday before we recorded. I thought it was going to take me like 45 minutes and like two hours later. Yeah, it's hard I had all the notes. All I had to do was organize them. Two hours later. I'm like oh, I could do this in like 15 minutes, two hours and I wasn't even distracted. That was like that was diligent working two hours look on your face right now.

Speaker 1: 12:20

I wish people could see it. You're just like oh, I'm so mad. It's like such a serious face, but what you're saying is hysterical, I'm sorry. Okay, all right, another one. Reverse clocks Count backwards. You have an alarm for like oh, shiitake, it's time to get dressed, okay. And then have another one for must leave now. Oh, like not, you know not. Must leave now, in two minutes. I'll be fine, because that two minutes is what you need to park in order to be on time, right? So, like, have these alarms reverse engineered so that you'll know, like I actually do have to leave at this time, otherwise I'll be late.

Speaker 2: 13:06

I have a 10 minute warning alarm and I can snooze it once. Yep, and the snooze is nine minutes, and so it's like all right, like 10 minute warning, we are going to leave, and when this thing goes off again, we got to go. We got to go.

Speaker 1: 13:23

Yep exactly.

Speaker 2: 13:24

Right Yep.

Speaker 1: 13:25

Yeah, is your child in the phase of? Well, actually it's this time of day. Use that to your advantage. Outsource your timekeeping. Have your kids shout at you hey, mom, your watch beeped when the timer goes off. Or, you know, teach your kid like okay, we have to leave at 7.53 in order to be there on time. So when it's 7.52, here's where that well, actually mansplaining can really come in handy. Actually, mom, it's 7.52. Right, use that, it's helpful. Sometimes it's 9 o'clock. Actually it's 8.57. Shut up. I don't know how long this phase goes on, but I can tell you it's not my fave, so I have to use it to my advantage, though, okay. Another challenge for ADHD parents is overstimulation. We've talked about this one a lot. Right, like, your kids are arguing, the dog is barking and you can hear the lights, and that probably makes sense to the ADHD crowd and the autism crowd and the odd DHD crowd really gets it. Lights make noises.

Speaker 2: 14:36

If you don't believe me you're incorrect.

Speaker 1: 14:39

So here's how you fix it. Sorry, hold your hand while I say you're wrong. So one way to fix overstimulation have a tap out system. Whether it's a physical tap out, like you go to your person, you tap out, you're like I got it, I got to go, and at my house it's like I can't right now and then I leave and my husband will say okay, go, go away. I love you with my whole heart. Breathe, get out, because I have to tap out, and hopefully you have a partner in your life where you can do that.

Speaker 1: 15:17

If you don't, it's okay to tap out and say I'm tapping out right now. Mom needs a break, give me 15 minutes, and sometimes your kid will respect that 15 minutes and other times they won't. But it is okay for you to ask for what you need. You have to advocate for yourself here. You can also put together an emergency sensory kit. Put some noise-canceling headphones in there, some sour candy, a sign on the door that says mom is rebooting, a pair of socks that says if you can read this, no, you can't go away. Whatever it is that you need to do, and some like the bilateral nature sounds that you've shared with me before. I should put that on the ADHD playlist. It's a good one, just something like that to help you kind of come back down to earth and maybe find something physical to do.

Speaker 1: 16:04

We've talked about, like you know, angry sock throwing. We've talked about all these different things that you can do. I'll link that here. There's lots of ways to reset yourself Vagus, nerve stimulation, deep breaths, whatever you have to do. That kind of brings us into that emotional roller coaster. We talked this with our kids. It's a real thing with adults too.

Speaker 1: 16:22

It looks like that RSD, that rejection, sensitive dysphoria plus mom guilt, which just exacerbates RSD, you know, kind of turns into. I yelled at him about his shoes. I'm a terrible mother. Why am I crying? He's the one who made me mad. This is not fair. You just sort of shame spiral. The fix here is co-regulation. Show your child what it looks like to practice self-regulation. Show them what it looks like to take a break. Show them what it looks like to practice self-regulation. Show them what it looks like to take a break. Show them what it looks like to take a deep breath and do it in a way that's not an exasperated deep breath Like I am the queen of being like serenity now and that's really not helpful because it just indicates that I'm overstimulated and angry and it's not an actual calming down thing. It's just, you know, it's angry breathing. It's not helpful.

Speaker 2: 17:18

It's valid, but not helpful. Modeling.

Speaker 1: 17:21

No, it's terrible modeling I'm a really good model guys but show them, just show them what. Show your child what it looks like to take a beat right, how to stay calm, put some ice on your neck and keep going. You need to also employ repair scripts. Practice them. We talked about having a script for your child to use in certain social situations, but you need these too, right? I'm sorry I got frustrated. My brain was overwhelmed. Let's try again. Or my brain really did not handle all those noises at once. I'm sorry that I was screaming.

Speaker 1: 17:58

It is not bad parenting. It does not lessen your authority to apologize to your child, to work to repair a connection and I think this is a different conversation for another time but there's the whole gentle parenting thing. But I think it's gone a little bit too far and we need to bring it back a little bit. So it's okay to be firm in what you're asking for and still repair relationships and show that you're a human and and you know, be genuine with your kid about when you mess up. So have that in your back pocket.

Speaker 2: 18:33

Be genuine with your kid about when you mess up, so have that in your back pocket. I think apologizing when I have been in that situation, like when I have, when I've been dysregulated and just acted in a very disrespectful way toward my child yes, disrespectful way toward my child, yes, the act of apologizing, I feel like has done more than kind of any other thing that I have learned in the like last nine years of being a parent like I feel like that has made such an immense difference over.

Speaker 1: 19:12

You know, over time that has just kind of gotten progressively better and more impactful as my son gets older and this is not a knock against either of our parents, but I would like to just point out that it was not a thing to apologize to your child, a generation ago no, like parents might have said I was wrong but there was no apology.

Speaker 1: 19:38

Like there might have been accountability but there was not an apology for it, and I think that there is. There is value in showing your humanness to your child here without apologizing for why you got that way right. Right, like you can say, I was overstimulated. I was angry because I've asked you 47 times, which we discussed in the last episode. My brain cannot handle asking you that one more time. I apologize for the way that my anger came out at you. That was not okay. I can do better and I will do better next time or I will at least try to do better next time. And I still want you to go take the freaking bath. Go do it Right, like you can do those things, it's okay.

Speaker 1: 20:24

Again, we've talked about naming your ADHD brain, naming the things that need a name. In my house we have a name for the person who leaves cabinet doors open, sometimes leaves the front door unlocked. It's Myrtle Myrtle does it, but you can name your ADHD brain your RSD Gladys Glynnis. Mock it. Oh, look, gladys is over here. Oh, look, gladys is over here. You know, catastrophizing Is that the word? That's not a word.

Speaker 2: 20:57

It is. It is a word Catastrophizing, yes, but I cannot say it.

Speaker 1: 21:04

Like good luck trying me to pronounce that properly Catastrophizing, I think it's catastrophizing but Someone's mad.

Speaker 1: 21:09

Yeah, where's the Miriam Webster Instagram account when I need it anyway? But just name it and say like, ok, you know Gladys at it again and you explain to your kid you know when I feel, when I feel ashamed about something that I don't need to feel ashamed of, that's Gladys, and I need Gladys to shut up today. Right, it's okay. Now, all those things are challenges that we have, but there are some really cool strengths that I want to point out here as an ADHD parent. One you are a hyper-focus ninja. Your child needs a 500-piece Lego put together. Guess who's on it? That's you, and you're probably really good at it and you're going to do it really fast and you won't stop until it's finished, boom. And when it breaks, you don't want your kid to be the one who fixes it, because you know how to do it already, so you're going to fix it.

Speaker 1: 22:07

You are amazing at that. You are also a really, really, really masterful distractor and diverter of attention. So your child asks you in the middle of cleaning mom, why are sloths so slow? You know what? That's a really good question. Let's find out right now and you're going to like go look it up and you're going to turn it into an episode of Wild Kratts and it's going to be amazing. And then you're going to be mad at yourself because you stopped cleaning, but still you're going to it's learning. So you're really good at that. Exactly, and probably your best strength as an ADHD parent is your empathy. You are an empathy champion.

Speaker 1: 22:54

Your kid forgot their homework. Oh baby, I have been there. I understand it sucks when that happens. The best we can do is try again tomorrow. What can we do to remember? Let's put it in our drop zone, let's put it in our launch pad. Here's how I have to make sure I don't forget my things in the morning. I put them all right here next to my whatever, or I put them on top of my keys so that I can't put them under my keys, because then I'll forget they exist right, like you are so good at that. And if your kid has ADHD too, you will be able to show them the things that have worked for you and then help them understand how you got to that point. I do this because let's things that have worked for you and then help them understand how you got to that point. I do this because let's figure out what works for you, because you're going to be killer at that. So the bottom line here is that parenting with ADHD means your systems will fail. Yep, sorry, but they will.

Speaker 1: 23:50

They all work until they don't yeah, the one day, the one day you miss that habit, the one day, and then you've ruined you know four years of habit stuff. Sorry, yeah, but they will fail. Be prepared for that. Your keys will vanish. Sometimes dinner is going to be cereal, it's all okay. But your kids are learning from you. They're learning resilience, they're learning creativity, they're learning how to laugh through chaos, they're learning empathy. All those are real life skills. You're not failing, you're adapting and that's really good for your kid to see. But the best thing that you can do for yourself and for your child is to give yourself grace. They need to see that from you. There's no such thing as a perfect parent, adhd or not. They don't exist. Okay, cause we're all humans.

Speaker 2: 24:39

So when you make mistakes unless you're a robot or a fem bot whatever I was- going to say that the perfect robot I'm sorry the perfect parent is somebody who does not have children because they're always the ones who are like when.

Speaker 1: 24:55

I'm a parent or if I was a parent, my child never.

Speaker 2: 24:58

Yeah, the only perfect parents are the people who are not parents.

Speaker 1: 25:02

Parenting would be so easy if it weren't for the kids. Just say that, yeah, yeah. What makes you different is that when you make mistakes, you're going to take that opportunity to model accountability, model resilience and model self-compassion. And speaking of self-compassion, next week we're talking about the stigma of ADHD, the ADHD shame spiral Yay, and also specific self-care tips for ADHDers, because it's different for you than it is for the rest of us. So subscribe now so you don't miss it and we'll be right back. Hey y'all. Pov you find a diary exposing forbidden magic and the hot museum caretaker's life depends on you burning it, roots and Ink. The debut novel by Ariella Monti is the fantasy romance for rebels. Use promo code CKANDGK to get 20% off your copy at AriellaMonticom. Again, that's all caps C-K-A-N-D-G-K for 20% off on AriellaMontecom. Get your copy for 20% off today. All right, we're back. Do you remember how we talked about how you're going to understand pen names and fake names and understanding names and all that stuff? Here's why names and fake names and understanding names and all that stuff.

Speaker 2: 26:35

Here's why so they'll have these two names. And I finally decided I'm like no, you know what, everybody gets one name like I like how, how, my one friend, her I met her as cara and but her non-pen name is her real name is tanya and I have her in my phone as tanya because that's her like her government name. But then every time I go to text her I'm like where the hell is kara and it yeah no, you got of course like right, yeah, so I changed it.

Speaker 2: 27:08

I was like no, like tanya's name is kara, like that's it, like that's how I was introduced to you. Yeah, you know how it is my husband does that too.

Speaker 1: 27:18

He's got like he was on a sports talk board, reddit sort of thing, for a long time and like when he met some of the guys in person, he was like, oh yeah, this is me, and he used his handle. It was like it was like introducing yourself to someone as your twitter name. It was so foreign to me, but that's how they all talk to each other. And he's like, oh yeah, that's sd. And I'm like his name is dane, like his name's, not sd, like what? And he's like no, that's what he calls himself on the board. And I'm like, oh, okay, but I get it now. It's like that's how you've known them this whole time so right yeah.

Speaker 1: 27:59

Yeah, I mean, I guess it's the in fairness. You and I met on the internet, but we were using our real names, so yes, I don't.

Speaker 2: 28:08

Yeah, I mean, that's also one of the reasons why, like, like, my first name is also, like, part of my pen, like my legal first name is also my pen name, because I, like I personally don't think I could keep track of like that many names, especially if it was so different from what, like, what I'm called. Like it's hard enough having, it's hard enough having a different, like last name, because I will go to the pharmacy and I'll be like, oh, can I get a pick up a prescription for ariela monty?

Speaker 1: 28:48

and it's like, no, that is not my government name yeah, I struggle with which email address to share these notes with with you, so I can see how that would be quite confusing. I I also just am bad enough with names, as it is right. It's like you can tell me your name and I probably wasn't listening, and it's not because I didn't want to, it's because my brain was like, oh, I see that shiny thing over there, or like you seem boring, I'm not let, you are boring, but like my brain goes, nope, not interested, and didn't listen when you told me your name. And then two months have gone by and it's too late, so I have to figure out another way. How do you spell?

Speaker 2: 29:37

that.

Speaker 1: 29:37

They're like S-A-R-A. Oops, my bad. So you know I'm bad enough, like I can't imagine. No, it's just. This is why I don't have a pen name, that's why we're just initials here. I'm Caitlin, ck and GK, the end. I got nothing else, you know.

Speaker 2: 29:58

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 30:00

I can't do a fake, I can't do a name. All right, so make sure you subscribe, make sure you follow us on all the places we told you where. Just go. Do it. Share this with an episode.

Speaker 2: 30:16

Share this episode with a friend there it is.

Speaker 1: 30:18

Thank you, my brain just cleared its cache, right in the middle of what I All the time Peanut butter spoon Fail. God Make better choices than me. How about that Love? You mean it it? See you next time. Bye.