Messy Middles & Mended Perspectives

Thank you for listening to this weeks episode where we dive into ways we can take all that has been good, bad, hard, and ongoing... and find ways to reframe the stories we tell ourselves or that others tell us to build us up rather than tear us down.

Looking into the reflection of practice in taking our thoughts captive, examining the messy middles that no one likes to be stuck in, finding ways to be present over opinionated.

"The middle is messy, but it's also where the Magic happens."- Brene Brown

If this sounds like an area you struggle- like so many of us do. I hope to be a creative encouraging voice offering a ton of grace to us all.  It's more than a positive spin. It's a story of struggle and ways I had to get brave in transparency and push through years of heartache so that I could help my daughter and in turn strengthen myself. Breaking down walls that had no structural impact but somehow fooled me into thinking it was a safe way to tuck away things that hurt to expose.

Join me today as we begin to peel back some layers and keep it real.

I would love to have you every week.
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Transcript

0:06  
And no matter how maddening it is to them because you're saying the same thing, unwavering unconditionally that is how they began to see Jesus in you and transferring that faith and trust from you to him. It was hard it was hard.

0:37  
Hello, welcome to Curated Souls. I am your host, Lori Young. Thank you for joining us today. I hope that whether you're on a drive on a run, or maybe just sitting with a cup of coffee that you'll enjoy today's episode, be sure to subscribe, leave a review that surely helps. And just enjoy. 

0:55  
Today we're going to talk about reframing perspective, maybe mending perspective, out of a messy middle, I'm horrible in the middle. I really sometimes struggle with patience. But usually, it's just I have already seen where I'm headed. And I'm just really wanting to get there. But there's no need for hurry.  Brene Brown says,  "the middle is messy. But it's also where the magic happens." And she is right. I'm doing a whole lot better these days about being in the middle of things and just trying to embrace what can come of it trying to be in less control of what is ahead. Because I do believe that there's always provision and delay. And sometimes even today's episode will look a little different than what I had scripted out and planned out. So about 10 years worth of painting, I would get clients so anxious to see what their furniture pieces look like. And it would always be right in the middle of the process. And I'd have to say, well, I could show you but you probably wouldn't like it because the middle is always messy. It's not where the fine details are. It's not where the beauty of everything lies. It's definitely not the end product. And sometimes we can all struggle with that. But in an effort to embrace the middle, I had to start allowing myself the grace of perspective. Well, what do I mean by that? Well, I've had my share of messy middles whether it's, you know, parenting, parenting is probably the biggest illustration that I could use. 

2:29  
And even this weekend, it's been pretty messy. But I want to I want to come at this as more than a positive spin. Because in those difficult years that I talked about in my last episode, and if you haven't listened, please go listen to it, you know that my faith is really strong, but it's been made strong in those messy metals. And there's nothing more beautiful than the gift of reflection. In this aspect. I want to read to you the definition or pieces of definitions for men and perspective, mending is to repair supply a part that's broken to correct or to set right to help or make better to improve, but ultimately, to grow better. And to advance. Here's something that when you hear that, I need you to also hear there is a level of accountability when you're trying to mend some of the things that have happened to you that maybe you didn't cause or maybe you did. And there's got to be such a level of authentic accountability to own your own parts, and to not allow the parts that are not yours to rest so heavy on you. Because ultimately, the only thing that you can control is your response. And that is exactly what trauma is. It's your body's response. So there's not, you know, a bigger trauma than the next trauma other than how your body actually responds to it. And our body holds a collective I mean, all of it some things we don't even know I was talking with a friend about some of our struggles and how the times that were the hardest were the times that my daughter felt the safest though she was you know, fully able to just fall apart. And those were the hardest on us as a family. But I cannot even imagine how hard it was on her. And so allowing grace to flow in and through all of that has been something that has been an ongoing practice for me and in learning how to respond better to her because I didn't get it right in the beginning. There's no handbook that was handed to me on here's what happens when your daughter tries to commit suicide or is diagnosed with a pretty heavy diagnosis. I did all the reading I could but there's no two cases out there alike and the environmental things that go on and how you respond make a huge part of their healing your healing. I mean just If the dynamics alone in our house varied so greatly all the dynamics that were going on created this tailspin of mess in the middle. And I don't know that we're ever on the other side of it completely. There's percent I was learning in reverse all those years before I had to parent it gave me some of the power that I needed or strength, that I needed to walk through that. And one of the greatest gifts in that reflection that I have told my daughter multiple times, and on her good days, she can receive it. But most of the time, I'm not sure if she really fully absorbs the fact that, you know, my childhood trauma, and then what she has, you know, gone through, all of it prepared me to walk through with such a holy confidence during cancer, but it's not lost on me today that all of that led to my body falling apart. And so when I talk about reframing perspectives, I come at it from a place that says if you don't, your body will. And so it's got to be more than a positive spin, right? It's our body has frequencies, and we can up our vibrations, and we can meditate. And we can do art. And we can do all kinds of things that put us in a moment where we're healing bit by bit, but until we take our minds and our hearts, and we allow them to reckon together some of the stories that we either tell ourselves, because it protects us, or some of the stories that we tell ourselves because it protects others, we can't do the real work of healing. And, again,

6:40  
I'm not a therapist, I have been through tons of therapy that I've walked through with my daughter, and gosh, it's emotionally taxing, I want to be honest with you, because that's some hard work happening when you're going through all of that everybody's accounts of what has happened looks so different to I think each person, and it's because we all come to it with things that we either unknowingly bring into the situation. But we all look at things and hear things through different lenses. And for a parent on my end of it, it was maddening. I could not articulate in a way my words where she was hearing my heart. It was never good enough. And so as a kid who always felt like was just never good enough it that was hard to parent, it was like, Are you kidding me, I have to do this as a parent. Now God, I know that you're there, I know that you're real. I know that you could change this right now if you wanted to. And in those moments, I was on the floor on my hands and knees in my closet, I can see the clothes, I can see the carpet, I can see everything. And I was sobbing completely broken. And that is where he walked in and said, I know and that is why it's you because she needs you. She needs you because you finally believe that I'm real. And she can't believe it or see it unless she sees it in you. And sometimes that's not a savior kind of thing. It's really walking it out because faith is in the things that we can't see. But when you as a parent can guide your child along a hard path and no matter how maddening it is to them because you're saying the same truth, unwavering unconditionally. That is how they began to see Jesus in you and transferring that faith and trust from you. To him. It was hard, it was hard. I had my own hissy fits of I cannot cheerlead this anymore. It feels like manipulation. But I couldn't understand any of what she was going through because it wasn't mine to go through. And no matter how hard even today that I want her to be healed and whole, and I want her to be able to shift some perspectives and to gain control over some of those areas. I know she can't, and that is where her pain lies. And I'm an easy target. And I'm an easy person to project that that pain, that anger. And you know, I it's the one boundary that I wish that I could hold strong, but it's the one boundary that I know if I do what will happen. And that's where, you know, maybe I'm holding on to wanting to control a little bit and I'm doing a better job of saying, God, I just I release her to you. I need you to be everything in and through her. I need you to be her breath. I need you to be her every thought to help her to take these thoughts captive. Help her to see that we are here for her, not against her.

9:38  
 And I just know that even in this there's still a lesson that He is trying to teach me and I keep trying to find it in perspective. The definition that I looked up it said was a glass through which objects are viewed it's a kind of true resemblance or representation of the objects or the view an aerial perspective is the art of giving do did me In addition to strength of light shade and colors of objects, one of the things I love to do is, you know, take pictures, I love photography, but one of the things I love to do, maybe you shouldn't do it while you're driving, but we live in an area that has beautiful mountains. And you can't always get that picture looking through your front glass, but when you see it in your rearview mirror, and I know objects may appear closer than they really love what a beautiful illustration, because I love to take pictures of the mountains in my rearview mirror the side River, because we miss so many things, if we don't look back, the problem and looking back is when we look back, and the perspective that we're seeing is the one that comes from the wounds and from the anger and from the places that are broken and not yet revealed to the light. And so we get stuck in those places. And we think that it's always going to be this way, there's never going to be change. And that is not true. That middle part right there have always never, that's messy. That's not reality. Because if you're still breathing, and you're still walking, and you're still waking up, your life has not done. And I know that it is hard. And I know that it's maybe not what you want, and you're not where you want to be. But it's a new day. And it's time to grasp hold of that perspective that is not serving you and say I need help, or I need change. And I'm going to allow myself to feel this right now. But I'm not going to stay in this because there is magic ahead. There are new beginnings ahead. And there are wonderful, wonderful things that I can't even imagine. And if I just allow myself to be emptied of all the things that are negative, I can be filled with all the things that God still has for me, I can start looking for the things that God keeps showing me and wants me to take hold. And right there is where our perspective and our mending and our reframing in our healing can take control. Brene Brown has another quote. And it says we can't be brave in the big world without at least one small safe space to work through our fears and false. That for me was were paint furniture in my garage, allow God to work through my story. I had built such skyscraper walls around myself, to make sure that others couldn't hurt me couldn't get in. And sometimes that even included my family. If things started to feel a little chaotic, or like the world was spinning around me, I was free to go to my garage, pick up that paintbrush and allow my mind and my heart to reckon. And honestly just kind of create this really safe space to process to pray, allowing my heart to just express and get it all out on the canvas of that furniture.

13:24  
I never started my furniture business with a business plan, or even an end goal in sight, but a very open Yes. And knowing that God would take care of the rest. It was in that space that I created for myself that felt a lot like therapy, but God took hold of my willingness to share more than pain and to reach into really the heart of others through our adoption story. My passion to be real, and my need to create a feed that was more than highlights more than pretty pictures in that was the beginning of my blog. And it was it was where I shared about our adoption through all the highs and the lows. It was where, you know, I talked about the ugliness inside of the furniture business. And it certainly helped me become a little bit braver in being transparent and allowing to share tragedy that was happening in real time. And a lot of that just really was a way for me to choose freedom. Maya Angelou says that you may not control all of the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Isn't that a beautiful truth? Lots of things happen to us. Some things that we control some things that we don't, but we don't have to be reduced by them and we don't have to be defined by them. I have this epiphany if you will that I have a luxury of recognizing and feeling my way through certain things that have happened when attacks come on. And you know, just all the emotions that surround everything. And knowing that I have that cognitive wherewithal. I also know that there were times during, you know, my MS attacks and through cancers that I didn't, I didn't recognize when things were taking me down. And I didn't give a lot of credit to chemo, I know that that drove my family crazy. But inside of that, I get to reflect back and know that my daughter doesn't always have that ability, either. Sometimes, I think that she can see it coming on. But in an effort to try so hard to not let it take over, or in an effort to think that it's not coming on, she doesn't have the ability to work her way through all of the emotions and all of the feelings in a way that is safe. And in a way that serves her. In the best way, I've tried really hard to allow a little bit more of a wider boundary, so that I'm less enabling her and I'm not trying to fix things. And sometimes that silence is probably very loud and deafening in her ears and feels a lot like it's not supportive and feels a lot like I don't care. But really, it's not that at all, it's that I do care so much that I want her to be able to do what I'm able to do. And I don't know if she'll ever get to that place. I don't know if it's possible, I believe that it is with all my heart. But there's this level of truth that I used to ascribe to that I know that she probably still does that. If I didn't speak about it, I was safe. And for me that was mostly because I believed that the devil or any enemy, couldn't use it against me can use it as an attack on me. Because early on in my life, a lot of things were the past was always brought up, it was always something that was used against me and and so as I worked harder to really be transparent, really be vulnerable. But in a safe and healthy way, I understand that I was only fooling myself, because bottling all that up and stuffing it away meant that no matter how neatly I organized it on those shelves inside my heart, or deep inside my gut, I was just one more layer away from imploding. And oftentimes I did. And I know that there is a time and there's a place for this kind of sharing, and not everybody deserves access to your emotions or your experiences. There are some nosy neighbors who just want to use it as a form of gossip in the way of prayer requests. But there are some people that will come alongside you and just want to be present, and just want to hold your hand through the heart and rocky time. And it's through that relationship that you start to build that you know whether or not you can trust that level of discernment, the way that your body responds, whether you feel safe or you don't feel safe, you will know how it is. And we hope that you'll begin to peel back the layers and allow some people in because not everybody's out to hurt you. Not everybody's out to fix you. Some people just love you, right where you are, just as you are. But here are some things I want to close up with that. I know each one of my family members would probably stand on its truth and say yes, this is true. Almost all of our battles that we have had the wonderful ability to walk through, we've also had the ability to reframe, and receive some gifts from them. None of this has happened without a gift given to each of us. Those gifts are different to all of us. They look a lot different to all of us. So I can only speak about the gifts that it's given to me. And not all of it has been unicorns and lollipops. I don't want anybody to think that I've got this toxic positivity because I certainly don't. But I gained a bird's eye view that perfection really might kill me. The boundaries were absolutely biblical, guarding your heart because it is your property and guarding it, in a Biblical sense is absolutely not toxic. It's not a form of control. It's rather creating a safe place inside of my home where chaos can flee, and peace can be and that is my responsibility as a mother. I know that rumbling through in talking all of this out that there is a time and a place for that. But I know that if I don't talk through my rumbling that I'm feeling and experiencing within the walls of my own home. I'm not allowing for transparency, I'm not allowing for failure and that in turn will walk itself out of this home later in life and they will think that they need to be perfect. They will think that they cannot be real with the people that they are with with the people that they love. And that in that transparency and failure. It can be turned into grace and strength. had as a gift, I know that narrating every aspect of how I could see and feel God moving in the heart and in the good has allowed for my children to not only see my faith come alive and be so real, but it helps them to begin to trust in their own faith, when they can see the little tiny bits of work, God has moved not always the big ways, but just in the tiny mundane ways. If you can begin to see the way that he moves in the mundane, the big ones will be even bigger and brighter and more beautiful. And again, having a level of compassion that only comes with Grace within conversations that we tackle after hard times when we tackle them in the safe and good times. And it seems so counterproductive because he might just stir things up again. But sometimes, especially with someone who is battling with anxiety, battling with depression, battling with a mental illness, sometimes the only clarity that they are able to truly see and understand happens in the times where we could disrupt. And it that may not be true for everybody. But that has been true in our case. And it has to come from a place where you are not putting shame. But rather you're opening up and you're saying, Hey, this is what I saw, here are some things that I saw that you might not have noticed were going on around you that maybe it was a trigger, maybe you could pull back in that area when you feel yourself getting a little bit. But however you want to word that, for us, it's you know, I can see the excitement and the and I don't always want to use the word manic. Because more times than not, when I'm careful with my language, I'm already saying it. And she's already refuting back to me that she's not in a manic state. And that is when words tell on themselves. But it also opens me up to hear perspectives from her to get get a glimpse to glean in on just a little bit more that I can maybe understand maybe that I could do better. And she does do a very good job of telling me what I could do better. But it all has to be a way to disrupt those false narratives in peaceful times. Because disrupting those false narratives that we tell ourselves, if somebody can tell us during a time that we're not in a state of angst or anger or wanting to spiral down, oftentimes we can hear it in a way that needs to be heard. And that can be done in love. And that is my end goal in all things is to love better, to do better. And I can only do that when I know better. And so being accountable to that truth is something that I just want to point my kids back to every time and it's because I really believe that's what Jesus said. And I believe he sits in that place always in all times. And that's peace. That's grace. And that's love. So if we can afford that to others, no matter what their story looks like, no matter what they're going through,

23:17  
I think we begin to see a lot of change happening around us. And we start to be change agents and hope givers. And gosh, there's nothing more that I could ever hope for or ask. And that's where we start to see good. And we start to do good. And it's like a domino effect. And friends, that is what I am hoping for a domino effect. If you know somebody right now struggling, struggling with mental illness struggling in any way, don't strive to fix them. Don't strive to save them, strive to be present, strive to be open to what they may be going through. Even if it's the 100th time you've been through it. Even if it's a millionth time that you've been through it. Don't come at it through the lens of I already know. Or this is always happening. Why does it still have to keep happening? come at it. As you know what I'm going to do differently. I'm going to try something new. I'm going to try to shut up. I'm going to try and listen. And I'm going to try just to be there. love, grace, love and grace. Think it pretty much sums it up and every aspect. Find ways to get creative, be encouraging and offer grace. Thank you for showing up today and listening. Be sure to hit subscribe, wherever you're listening. If you'd leave a review that would be awesome. And I hope to see you back. I did record a video version of this may be just a little different, but you'll find it up on YouTube shortly. Again, friends, I want to thank you for showing up today and listening. I also want to add a disclaimer that I am absolutely not a therapist. And there are times that hard boundaries and hard lines have to be drawn and you cannot help some people. There is always a professional out there, that if you do your work and do your research, there is someone out there that can help you and we'll be fitting for you. Please don't let anyone struggling alone. There are lots of hotlines, good people that can help our people. And sometimes it's just so people save and save their friends. Thank you for spending time with me today. I hope that you enjoyed today's episode. I hope that you will leave encouraged and inspired and do the same for someone else. If you haven't already, I hope that you'll subscribe and I love to connect. So let's be friends on Instagram or Facebook. You can find me at curated souls by Lori Young. I'm also on Pinterest where you can find tons of inspiration. My handle is @LoriY. Until next time

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