I'm joined in studio today with my favorite guest, Mrs. Sharon McPherson. Welcome Sharon.

Thank you, Mr. McPherson.

How are you? Good to see you. It's

Great to be here.

Well, it's good to have you here.

Thank you.

For those of you listening in, this is going to be a little different podcast, a podcast answering your questions on sex in marriage. No questions off limits, and we're not holding back in the answers. So if you are driving in the car with your kids, maybe you should have them stick their heads out the window or wait until you can listen without little ears around. That's my one warning for us. 

Here we go.

For a little context here. Today's episode, Sharon, I hosted a conference, our week conference or Valentine's Day weekend, and the theme was Making Love Sweet, the Art of Intimacy in Marriage. We got to teach on this incredible topic with my mom and dad and brother and sister-in-law, and we'll hopefully get that content out to you at some point in the future. But for now, we have your questions,
The following questions were sent in by those attending the conference. We have a host of other questions from the interwebs that we'll get to in future episodes, but just a quick word on these questions to give you a little perspective from our side of the table here in this conversation that we get to have with you that we love. Oftentimes it can be very hard to answer specific questions with specific counsel because we don't have specific details. We have a single question from someone we don't know, and that can be difficult. We don't know a host of details that we would typically inquire of in a normal counseling situation, and we could ask more questions. For instance, how long you've been married? Are you, both of you Christians? Are both of you humble, teachable, and godly? Is this a new challenge you've struggled with for many years? Or excuse me, is this a new challenge or one you've struggled with for many years, et cetera, et cetera? So because of lack of specific details, I'm just wanting say on the front end here, we can't guarantee that our answers are the best for your particular situation.
We could give the same counsel to different couples, and for one, it would help for another, it might not. For one, it might unlock something and for another, it might lead to ongoing abuse. So we just want to caveat this conversation on the front end. We want to answer your questions with general biblical principles that are true and then help you know how to apply it to your specific situation, not as the law of the Meads and Persians, but in the spirit of proverbial wise counsel.

Yeah, it's good.

Anything to add to that?

No, I think that's great.

Okay. Without further ado, let's jump in.

Okay.

You haven't seen these questions? I've seen a few of them.

Here

We go. Number one, how much sex is too much sex?

That's the number one question. Well, that's

The first one the guys gave me. How much sex is too much sex?

Okay,

I think, is that even a question? Is there such a thing?

No, I'm a little stymied by that question. How much is too much? I mean,

Well, I know if it's keeping you, this is a question from a girl

Because

There's not a husband out there going, I think we're having too much sex. What do we do, pastor? Tell me,

What do we do with this?

So I'm guessing this is from a wife. How much sex is too much sex?

Okay, you're guessing this is from a wife saying, what can I go back and tell my husband that the people said online about it being too

Much? Let me talk and you think I'll fire you. Reload.

I'm ready

And we'll see where we go. Number one, and this is from mom and dad's content from the week conference on Saturday morning. The differences between many and women that affect the bedroom,

It's

An incredible session. Hopefully we'll get it out to the folks soon. But you have to understand that men and women have different sex drives. Mom and dad explain it like this. Men's sex drives

Or desire

Or desire is like a river. It's running fast and constant. And a woman's sexual desire or sex drive is like an ocean deep, but it ebbs and flows. Neither are right or wrong. It just in general, that's how to So start there that you're wired differently than your husband, so it's going to be different. Secondly, sex desire can change with different seasons of life. Kids, new job, illness, sickness, hormonal changes, stress starting a new business. So I hear this question and I don't think there's an objective right number, like three and a half times a week or five times is way too much. One time a month, not enough. No, no. The right answer is how much is enough for you guys to be satisfied and happy? And when I say you guys, I mean both the husband and the wife. And so some seasons the wife might have more of a drive than the husband. Quite oftentimes the husband might have more. Well, that's okay, but the question isn't how little can we do and get away with it? But how satisfied can we make each other in mutually serving one another? So I think the right answer is however much is enough to satisfy the natural needs of the spouse. And I say natural needs of the spouse because
There can be some, and again, this is where we get into the details we don't know, but there can be some situations we've worked with where a husband isn't into pornography and he's bringing then these abhorrently evil and unnatural desires and appetites into the marriage bed and bringing these appetites into the marriage room and let's try this, do that. And all of a sudden he's just in this hyper sexed, hypersexual overdrive because of what he's watching and well, that's evil, that's horrific. And a wife should not feel trapped and obligated to be meeting every abhorrently evil, selfish, wicked, whim of a husband who's saturating his minded wickedness and then bringing those expectations to the marriage bed and putting them on the wife. Correct. That's

Horrible.

And so again, I'm assuming here to Jesus, loving people who are married, who love one another and are just asking you this question, how much is too much? There can't be too much. We define marriage as a sexual relationship protected by covenant. So at the heart of what makes the marriage relationship unique is this ability to connect sexually as God intended, not just for procreation, but for pleasure and for

Comfort

And for knowledge and so on and so forth. So I think the answer is however much is enough to please both the husband and the wife, and then I'll say this as well. And then if you've got something we want to add, you can throw in here. Again, we're on the question of how much sex is too much

Sex.

The principle we're working with is one Corinthians seven, that your body is not your own and that the husband has authority over the wife's body. And second half of the verse read a guy is the wife has authority over the man's body. And when we read that verse, that's not saying A-K-A-I-E, ergo, you have to do what I want all the time. It's authority for the sake of servanthood. And so when you think about Jesus, he said, those who serve the most have the most authority. And of course, Jesus has the most authority because Jesus, nobody served as much as Jesus. And so when he says that you have authority over the other's body, he's saying, you are commissioned to serve them in this area sexually. And so a husband should be looking at his wife saying, how can I serve her needs? Vice versa, the wife, how can I serve my husband's needs? And I guarantee you, men, the more you serve her needs, the more it'll be reciprocated. And then you have two people trying to OutServe each other in a sexual relationship in the covenant of marriage. And it's just a beautiful thing. And so like we say, often you have to come to the sexual relationship in the posture of a servant, not a consumer.
And so a taker and a taker results in a toxic relationship, a taker and a giver results in an abusive relationship, a giver in a giver results in a thriving relationship. And so, boy, how much sex is too much sex? That's not even a thing. You can't have too much of a good thing

Unless you're neglecting your jobs and you're,

Then you just deal with it, then you just deal with it.

You might say that

Whatever it takes. Anything else to throw in there? Add words?

No, I totally agree with all of that. I think it was really good. And we actually touched on some of those things at the conference and mom talked about, or I guess us girls, when the three of us talked together, we talked about women just being attentive to not be meeting your husband's minimum needs, but his maximum needs and not neglecting that and not being, oh, what's the word when you're like, I'm forgetting the word anyway,

When you're what?

Well, you're just frustrated with their not being with your husband's maximum needs, but being attentive to them, resenting it, thank you. Resenting them. Not resenting those needs, but looking at them and being like, I'm the one that gets to meet this. This is amazing. So privilege and joy to serve your husband in that way.

That's good. Alright,

There you go.

Question number two, when our kids were little, it was easy to find time and space for sex naps, early bedtimes, put them in front of a movie for a bit. Now that they're older, they're always right there. Any ideas?

Oh man.

Good question. Well, first of all, they shouldn't always be right there.

Well, that would be one of those. Could you give us a little more context here? What do you mean right

There?

I mean, we've experienced some of that. We homeschooled for years and years and years. So they literally were just right there. A lot of our life, they're not at school for hours on end or whatever. They were at home. They were in our home for sure. So I mean, that could be part of this context as well.

Yeah. I mean it's like, does your husband have flexibility? Can you go take him lunch? Can he swing in for lunch? Are your kids at school? Are they homeschooled? So obviously lots of variables here that we're not privy to. So specifics can be hard, but I think in general, be creative.

Oh yeah, that was what I was going to say.

And then be intentional. We were talking with a bunch of friends in our C group last night and it's like, okay, show of hands. How many of you guys have in the past, calendarized intimate encounters,

Put it on the

Calendar and everyone's like, yeah, a bunch of us. And some were like, well, we feel like if we put on the calendar it's not as spontaneous or it's not as fun. It's like, well, think about every other area of your life that's important. Exercising, financial management, giving generously, managing the intake of how much sugar or whatever. And
If you lived every area of your life that's important, spontaneously, you wouldn't do nearly as good as you think you do. If it was just spontaneously up to you to manage your sugar, you'd be like, I don't think I eat that much sugar. And then for one week you write down how much you actually eat and you're like, wow, I take in 9,462 million grams of sugar a week. I need to cut this out. Or Oh yeah, we're generous. We give, we feel like it, and then you rarely feel like it and you look back over the course of a week, a month or a year, and you haven't given much to your church. It's the discipline of tithing. It's a discipline of self-control eating. It's a discipline of, I work out when I got the time when I feel like it, okay, you went for a walk once last fall as opposed to, I'm going to get up at this time and spend this much time working out. So I think one of the ways you can overcome that is you put time on the calendar. This is mom and dad time. We're working on our marriage.
We've had code words that we've instituted

That

Hey, and we say the code word and the other one copies that.

And

We find a way to make some space and it's doable. Get it on the calendar. Get code words, get a lock on your door

For sure.

Restore the sanctity of your marriage bedroom. We've it

Before. Yeah. It's super practical.

Our kids don't just walk in, they knock. It's like this is our space to

They knock and wait for a response. They can't knock and come in.

Yeah. Yeah. That's not how it works. This is mom and dad's room, not just to be intimate, but to have some sanity and work on our calendar and regroup and make a plan for the rest of the day or the week, or just have a little bit of just regroup time. And so protect and maintain the sanctity of your bedroom so that both the husband, but specifically the wife, feels like she has a place to go. And you don't have to have a 10,000 square foot mansion to have a sanctified holy of holies master bedroom where the wife and husband can retreat. Anything else to add to that?

No, I just think it's super good and important. I think if your kids are not so young that they're going early to bedtime, that means they're old enough to probably be independently hanging out in the kitchen for a little bit or in the living room playing a game or whatever. And I think that's important to help even train your kids. Hey, mom and dad, we have some things to talk about. That's all you got to say. We got some things to talk about. We're going to be in our room and we need to be left alone for a little bit. You guys are supposed to do this or do this. I'm assuming if the kids are around all the

Time, I mean, if you've raised kids the right way, they're not sexually savvy. True, true. If you're sending 'em to go, they have no idea, and they're watching porn at eight on their friend's phone on the bus, then life's going to get harder. But if you've raised them right, if you've guarded their heart, protected what they've seen, they're not walking around sexually cognitive of the world around them. And so you can slip a lot by 'em. I mean, now they get older, 18, 19, 20, they're becoming a little more aware. But again, they're still, if they've been guarded and protected and not sexualized by the world, they're just not thinking those categories all the time. And so we have a little code word that we say, and our kids aren't going to listen to this hopefully, but our kids have no idea

That

We have a very vibrant, regular,

Fun,

Fulfilling, frequent, intimate life. And sometimes it happens right under their noses.

Not literally, but yeah. No, it's so

Get creative, man. Have fun.

I was going turn back to the creative thing too. I mean, that's supposed to be the fun part of the marriage bed and the fact that you have 20, 30, 40 years of this exciting adventure that you're on. So it's like don't get stuck in a rut. The kids are older now. Well, we get to be creative. Let's figure out what we're going to do. Maybe it's not in your bedroom all the time. I mean, there are things to think about here. You just be creative and be,

Think

Outside the box ladies. Think outside the box a little bit. And women, I think especially, we need to be encouraged to do that more. I think that can be more of a propensity of a woman to get more into the rut. And so it's like, no, let's think outside the box a little

Bit.

Be a

Little more. And just for context, we have four kids. We do. We have four teenagers right now living in our home. It's absolutely possible.

Yes.

It's not like, well, I guess for the next eight years I just won't see as much, babe. I mean, that's not happening.

And sadly,

I'm a motivated problem solver.

Well, and sadly, I think that is sometimes the mo of some people and potentially more mothers than fathers to be like, no, we're focusing on the kids right now. Well, whoa, careful. Just because super busy with your growing kids and their things they're involved in and what you're going and doing. It's like beware, stay focused on your marriage. And one of the best ways to do that is on your intimacy. Otherwise your kids are going to be gone. You're going to be all alone in your house and not know what to do.

That's really good, babe.

Don't get there.

Plus, I think when we've had times before where just whatever excuse crazy season or whatever, and it's like, Hey, it's been longer than

It usually is. It

Is for us. And it's like, let's be honest. I'm not fun to be around. I am cranky. You know what I mean? Some people get hangry. I get sex.

No, don't even try to come up with a word. I don't even know what you're going to say, but it's just,

I know we're supposed to get personal here, but here we are. But it's like, ladies, help him out.

You know

What I mean?

It is a need. It actually is a legitimate

God

Given need. And for the

Husbands too. A woman needs to not just be a mom. She needs to be a

Wife. That's right.

She needs to be a woman. And it's your job to remind

Reminder. Yep. That's good.

Question number three.

Okay.

This is interesting. Different how important

I don't have. So you're on your own.

Okay. I'm asking us the questions.

Okay.

How important is it to pray together for your sexual intimacy? Seems like such an awkward thing to start.

Oh man. I think it's a fabulous thing to do.

Really.

To pray for it. To pray for. Does it say, read it again. Four.

How important is it to pray together for your sexual intimacy?

Oh, especially if you are having all

Sorts of such awkward things to start

If you have all sorts of challenges in this area. Absolutely. I mean, we talked about this.

Tara

Talked about it. I talked about it, mom talked about it. I mean, I think you absolutely need to start there. I mean, there's no reason why you would exclude the Lord from this area of your life or this area of your marriage. Lord, help us just to communicate and help us to serve each other better. It's like, why wouldn't you pray? Lord, help me. I need, especially as a wife, let's go back however many years to when we had tiny children. I did pray for the Lord to help me desire you when you were gone at work and I was home all day up to my elbows and tiny people with needs that are clings and changing diapers, and you smell all the things that they all got on you throughout the day. So it's like you are praying. Absolutely. Lord, help me. I want increase my desire

For

My husband, increase my ability to prioritize my marriage, prioritize my husband. Absolutely. Why wouldn't you be using that tool?

No, no, no. I am glad you prayed for that. The Lord answered your prayer.

Amen.

That much.

But I

Mean, I was reading this. We sit down, hold hands and Lord, help us have great sex tonight.

I think that's absolutely good. Have

We ever done that?

Well, here's the deal. First of all, I don't know if we have or not. It's interesting actually. Yes, we have. But that's something else. But I think it's really important

We have,

Yeah,

I can't remember a single time we've prayed for our sex life. That's why,

For our sex life. Well, here's the deal. We are very thankful for what the Lord has given us in the health of our sex life for many years.

I tried to caveat this. I think it's important to pray

Just so all the listening audience knows. The pastor does like to pray and he thinks it's important.

This is not me being against prayer.

No.

Okay, good. And I think you should totally pray. They're making it sound like it could be awkward. And I'm like, yeah, that would be kind of weird to sit down and be, I don't remember us doing that, but we've prayed for each other. We prayed marriage. I pray that Lord help. I'll put it this way. We have prayed a lot together for our marriage, for our children, for our future

Challenges, for our current challenges,

Circumstances. And I think all that fosters intimacy that spills over into a more vibrant sex life. So I would say that I don't think we've, Lord, help us not pull a hammy in the next 15 minutes. We've never prayed like that. I mean, that's kind of

Weird.

No. Now, if you have sexual brokenness in your

Past, absolutely.

Oh my goodness. Or if you violated the covenant and you got to, Lord, forgive me. I get those things. So

I think that would be hugely helpful in those areas. And we've counseled in that arena as well, especially with women just in preparing their heart and their mind. And there's something about the headship of the man and bringing, especially if there's been so much brokenness and the world brought into their sexuality or into their marriage bed, it's like, no, we're going to bring the Lord and his truth and his protection over this area of our marriage for it to be able to flourish and grow again. So I'm all about that.

That's outstanding.

Yeah.

Thank you for praying for our marital intimacy.

Yeah, it's outstanding. You're welcome. You benefited

And I'm grateful.

Cheers. Yep.

Cheers. I need a drink. Nope. Give me a drink here. Number four, is there a good time to refuse to have sex with my husband when I'm exhausted? Or do I always need to oblige?

Great question. I think biblically, there's an argument that you already said that your body's not your own. I think there has been. And the understanding that you are, and there he goes. The understanding that you as the wife are the only one that can serve these needs. Right?

I just went, got my Bible.

Okay,

We're in our home studio here in my office. So I have always

Books you your Bible there, go books,

Go. This is the Bible that I used when I was in high school.

You've had that one a long time.

It's a mess. Keep going.

So all of that to say that we are designed uniquely as the wife to fulfill these needs of our husbands. And so he's going to have those needs and desires. And I would also say that yes, there are times when it is totally appropriate for a wife to say and express and communicate. I think that's the key thing.

Communicate

To her husband either what's going on that day or what's happened, or to say, Hey, could you give me five, 10 minutes? So-and-so just threw up on me or just whatever. I'm not feeling super like woo right now. And so communication I think is just huge in that. And a loving and understanding husband is going to assess the needs of his wife

Too

In that moment and be like, actually, babe, believe it or not, this is going to be good for you. Or Sure, I'll give you a couple minutes. Or It's all right. I know you're tired and being considerate. So I don't think there's that. It should be a robotic response of a wife, like, yep, yep, yep, yep. And never know.

This is where we talked about at the conference. Sexuality is connected to every other part of your marriage. And so if every other part of your marriage is humming along, then this part is going to come along as well. If you're not communicating, if you're not connecting, if you're not being intimate, emotionally, relationally, if you're not praying together, if you're not having time to connect outside of intimate encounters, then when a husband works 40, 50 hours a week, comes home, reads the paper, checks his text messages, looks star at his phone, goes into the bedroom at 11 o'clock, expects her to put out like, well, that's not how it works, bro.
We recently been working with a couple, and it's like sexuality is not fun for her. She doesn't desire, doesn't think about a lot, and he obviously has a strong drive. And he's like, I don't know what to do. And she's like, well, he could stop looking at his phone. He could make me feel like he cares about me other than just using me to alleviate his sexual intention. Totally. And I might desire him a little more. So it's like, okay, bro, that's on you. So the beauty of sexuality is that God has made women complicated

And

Complex, and that's to keep you on your toes, guys. And if you're paying attention to her and her needs and being attentive and loving her in all areas and facets of life, not just in the bedroom, then it will spill over in the bedroom. Now, the way the question was worded, I would fuss with, is there ever a good time to refuse to have sex with my husband? No. It's like, oh, this is a great time to refuse to have sex with him. That doesn't quite make sense. No, I don't like that. Refusing to have sex. That whole thing. We've never, that's not been a thing. It's been a, Hey, I'm in. Can you give me five? Or how about this afternoon? Or you suggest a time if you're like, I have three kids that you give me a reason why

We talk about it,

It's at work. We communicate, Hey, no problem, but merely being exhausted. And then she says, do I always need to oblige? Man? I just don't like that word, and I understand what she's saying, but I have never felt obliged.

You

Know what I mean? Because that's not going to be fun for the husband. No. It's like if he just feels like his wife is obliging him, that gets old really fast. He wants to know that she's enjoying it and she desires him. And if she doesn't, then he needs to figure out why he might not be desirable to her and start working on it. So I don't have to read it, but one Corinthians seven, one through seven, he says, verse five, do not deprive each other. That's a command. Do not deprive each other. So is there a good time to refuse? No, do not deprive each other, which is both except by mutual consent for a time that you can devote selves to prayer, then come together as soon as possible. So say, we'll attempt you. So it's like the only biblical excuse is if you both feel like you need to fast from sexual intimacy so you can be more focused in prayer. And then when you're done, you get back at it. So is there ever a good time? No. To refuse sex? My husband, no. When I'm tired or should I oblige you? No, no. To all of it.
Talk, communicate, get a time on the calendar like we talked earlier, if you have a time on the calendar, then you can look forward to it. You can prepare for it. It's not just there's drive by shooting. You can know that on this time and this date is going to be so I can prepare emotionally minutes. I can be ready for my man

Looking

Forward to it. If you're just exhausted, tell your husband why. It's like, man, I want to be with you. I don't like that I'm exhausted. And an intent husband will be like, you know what? She needs to go to sleep or she needs to be with you right now because one 15 in the morning and she's got to get up at six with the kids. You know what I mean? And if that's a habit, mom and dad talk the dangers of late night sex, it's like late night sex does not allow you to keep the needs met. And mom talks two or three kinds of meals, fast food, home, cooking, fine dining, and sometimes when you're tired, it is just fast food. This is awesome. No big deal. You need to make time for home cooking. And every once in a while you just got to go and have a five star steak.

And

So it doesn't have to be always be five star steak, and it shouldn't always be fast food. It should be a combination of all of those.

Yeah. I was going to say too, I think mom talked about it in her, I can't remember which one it was, but she talked about it in one of her talks regarding,

Well, no one here is probably heard to talk. So

Yeah, which is fine. But she just talked about a practical way for especially a young mom. It sounds like if you're saying you're exhausted potentially that young mom thing, dads take over bedtime, man. Dads take over the 20, 30, 40 minute whatever it's going to be bedtime routine for your children, take over it completely. Tell your wife, Hey babe, you go to the bedroom now. Obviously not because you're like, babe, go get ready. But you could talk through that. But it's like the freeing up for your wife 20, 30 minutes on her own to grab a shower, to just be able to think for a second while your little kids are getting put to bed by you. Hey, I'm just saying that could go a long ways in helping a wife be a little bit

More. I'm just saying that could go a long ways.

Go a long ways.

Read, journal, pray, be alone, be quiet. Those are huge. That's a

Great tip. Practical tip.

Good. Number five, what should a woman think about during sex? Wow,

That's a great question.

I'll let you take that. I have no idea.

Great. Most important sexual organ in your entire body for men and women, but I would push for women for sure is your brain. And I think one of the challenges is just how women are made. Mom and dad talked about this and just the differences of our makeup and our psyche and how guys can compartmentalize things including the act of sex. Whereas women, everything is all together in our brains all at the same time. And so that can become challenging.

Men are waffles, women

Are spa, are spaghetti. That can become challenging in the middle of even making love to your

Husband

Is because you can be like, oh man, I have that grocery list. Or did I remember to do that thing for the kids? Or am I supposed to sign that form?

I want to hear that.

So I'm saying I think women can have that challenge. And so this is a great question from a gal that's like, what should I be focusing in on? And because your brain is your most important sex worker and I'd be all in to what you're doing right, then it's going to take work and it's going to take practice, but it's like view it as prioritizing your husband in both of all things. Don't let your brain be prioritizing other things in the midst of this sacred moment. Prioritize your man, meaning giving him all of you. And for a woman that meets her brain, for sure.

And

So it's like focus on what's going on, focus on how you're actually feeling. A lot of women, goodness say mom and dad talked about inhibitions and what keeps women from enjoying the experience of sex with their husbands. It's like a lot of women are tuned out thinking they got nothing in it. It's like, Nope, no, no. Focus on what you are experiencing, what your body is responding to. We are created to be the more sexually charged beings anyway, even though a lot of people don't understand that. So it's like focus in on what you are experiencing, what you're feeling, what your husband is experiencing, and the communication of it all, and then just enjoy it for what it is and what the Lord has created and it's like, but keep your mind in the game. Get your mind in the game. Get your mind

In the game.

Don't turn to something else. Focus on your husband's attributes. What you love about him. Women are, we consider the whole person. I'm not focused on your eyes, you know what I mean? I'm focused on who you are as a person, and even in the midst of that, that can be really helpful for a wife, I think, to just enjoy the whole experience and be even more ready and available and engaged and responsive, which I think is

Good. Yeah, mom talked about, I thought it was really helpful, women getting over inhibitions as you mentioned,
And being like for instance, when we say to show up as a servant, not a consumer, and to care for the needs of your spouse, that doesn't mean that you don't enjoy it or that you're not having your own own needs met. In fact, one of the ways you can serve a spouses is to enjoy yourself because there's great pleasure from a spouse in knowing that their spouse is enjoying the experience. And so it's not to say, well, I just focus on the other one and whatever. No, no. Part of serving them is for the wife and the husband is to be present and thoroughly enjoying the encounter.

Yeah,

That's good.

That's a great question.

Yeah, good question. These are interesting. One more.

Sure.

Okay. What would you say to your wife if she doesn't believe she is beautiful? She's fully convinced. I think she's beautiful. Good job. Dude knows she is my sole source of sexual pleasure and intimacy. Good job, bro. But thinks I'm biased. Well, of course he is. How do I convince her? God made her objectively beautiful. Okay,

Interesting.

What would you say to your wife if she doesn't believe she's beautiful? She's fully convinced. I think she's beautiful, knows she is my source of sexual pleasure and intimacy, but thinks I am biased. How do I convince her God made her objectively beautiful? Ask that question is, well, I guess it could be to you. It's a husband

Asking. Well, I mean, I guess I have a couple thoughts, but I think you would be a better responder, but it's like, well, first of all, believe your husband

When

He tells you that you're beautiful, which it sounds like maybe she does, and then don't be worried about what the world thinks about whether or not you're beautiful, objectively beautiful. Sounds to me like she wonders if everybody else thinks she's beautiful, to which I would say, actually that doesn't matter, and there should be great joy in the fact that the only person in the world that it really should matter to. He thinks you're beautiful and he's desiring you. That's good. So don't get caught up in looking to the rest of the world to be, I don't know if you're not getting affirmed enough. I mean obviously she is, her husband has told her that she's beautiful, but it's like, then stop. Look in other places because that's going to get you in trouble. If you're thinking you got to look somewhere else. If he tells you that he thinks you're beautiful and he loves you and your body just the way it is, and he loves all these features about you, that needs to be enough and that should be enough for it to be just the most awesome relationship in your sexual intimacy. It sounds like there's a looking to other places
And it's like, no, it's designed this way on purpose that your husband would think you're the most beautiful thing in the world. You don't need Joe Blow down the road to think you're beautiful. Actually, that'd be a problem if that was the case and he was telling you. So

That's good.

That's my first gut response to that.

Well, I would tell the husband is, I think you should. Well have her listen to this and hopefully it will encourage her,

But

Disciple her through.

Yeah, it's good.

What is objective beauty in relationship to your looks? I mean, is there even such a thing? I mean, from culture to culture? Some cultures it's thin, some cultures it's more voluptuous and fat. We'd call it some, it is short, some is tall, some is braided hair, some is curly hair, some is dark skin, light skinned. I mean, what is unquote objective beauty? She is his standard of beauty and he's into what she is. And so I think I would agree with you. I would want to press down on her definition of objective beauty, and it sounds like she has a picture in her mind of what she thinks objective beauty is, which is an objective. It's totally subjective based on maybe something that was given her as a kid. A dad said something hurtful, maybe just in passing, but locked in her mind, I need to be that to be beautiful or who knows where it's coming from, or airbrushed images she's seen on Instagram, whatever. But if your husband is into you as his wife and the question says, she knows that she's my sole source of sexual pleasure and intimacy, and I think she's beautiful, but she thinks I'm biased. Hey sweetheart, that's the point.
What would you want

To

Be objectively beautiful to John Doe and your husband not think you're beautiful? This is backwards thinking. This needs to be gently corrected or rebuked over time. She doesn't, there's something in her mind and heart that she's not living up to

That's

A standard apart from what God has said she should live up to. It's like should a woman care for herself? So her husband? Yes, and self-care, it's very important. It needs to be beautiful for your husband in a non performative, loving, servant oriented way. You're not just letting yourself go. You're taking care of yourself because that's important to you. It's important to me, and I love you and think you beautiful just the way you are. And so there's some weird standard in her head that she's calling objective, but it's really subjective because it's her own standard she's not living up to, and then I'll just tell her over time, it'll frustrate your husband. He's like, no, now you're putting down what I love and I'm telling you, you're beautiful. And if a wife doesn't believe her husband, that can be very discouraging and offputting

For

A husband.

Well, and I think this would be a really great spot for a husband to exercise, just his headship and discernment of his wife. I think we can, we've talked about this many times, but just the more emotional side of a woman and sometimes things that we hear and see and the propensity of women to be more comparison oriented,
To look at things and be like, well, I'm not like that and I'm not like that. He probably likes that. And instead of listening to the wisdom of her husband and believing what he says, and him leading her in that, she's like, no, no, yo, you dunno what you're talking about. There's a disrespect there that's happening to what her husband is saying to her. And so in some ways it's like men get in the game, babe. What are you filling your mind with during the day? Who are you talking to? Who are friends? What is she reading? What is she looking at? What is she intaking throughout the day that's changing that part about her brain to think that she's not beautiful to you. She's listening to lies from somewhere, not the way God designed it to be.

Yeah. I mean, if a husband is telling his wife she's beautiful and she's convinced he believes it and she's convinced that he's sexually faithful to her

And sexually satisfied by her, but

She still doesn't feel beautiful, there's something off there. So she's saying, okay, well, you're biased, but I'm not objectively beautiful. Then ironically, she has a standard of beauty in her mind that isn't objective. It's subjective to her own standard, but secondly, God gives a woman a definition of beauty that is objective, and it's not her hair and the braids and the jewelry and the stuff. It's inner beauty, godliness, quiet spirit, submissive spirit to her husband, an insatiable passion for Jesus and the word and love for God, a deep hope for God. These things are what make a woman

Beautiful,

And so it feels like there could be a bit of an unhelpful asphyxiation with objective external beauty. She's being firmed by her husband

That

She's beautiful and God called her to cultivate an inner beauty of character, receive your husband's affirmation and cultivate inner beauty, and you're good to go, sweetheart, stop looking at the scale or the color of hair or whatever, and chasing some standard of beauty that your husband may not even want.

You

Know what I mean?

Yeah.

Mean we meet with a lot of women whose husbands don't make them feel beautiful. That's a different kind of tragedy, sweetheart. You have a husband who loves you. Receive that. Receive that.

Yeah, that's good.