How to Stay Sane as a Parent?

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• How to stay sane as a parent?
• Creating peace & balance - few simple rules

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Transcript

Nothing can prepare you for being a parent. Parenting tests your stamina, it tests your nerves, it tests your emotions and at times even your sanity. You start out fretting over how to change a nappy or bath the baby, and soon you'll discover that, that's the least of your challenges. And just when you think you've got one face of childhood cracked, they grow a bit older and it's a whole new scenario. Toddling, school, boyfriends, girlfriends, driving lessons - It never stops. Luckily, the rewards are really big. 

So as we all know, most of us love the company of our children when they're a bit bigger. And of course the pleasure of seeing them grow into the kind of person you can be proud of, it's really big and rewarding. But along the way for many parents, there is plenty of frustration, angst, soul-searching, as you look for the right things to say and to do that will set your child on the road to growing up into a happy balanced adult. And the pressure is on. So how do we parents stay sane? What do we do? What path do we follow? Well, the path we follow is well-worn. Millions of people have been parents before us and by trial and error some of them have worked out a few things.

Today, I'm going to be sharing some of those rules and those golden nuggets that have worked for me. So when we become parents regardless, whether we are mom or not, their responsibility is overwhelming. Many of us don't know how to keep our identity. Is it really required for us to shift our priorities and create a new identity and accept things as they are? So many of us are completely overwhelmed, overworked, tired, unsure how to be ourselves, how to have fun. We are so out of practice in terms of our social life especially the parents who do the school pick up and drop off know what I'm talking about.

Parenting and Parenthood is changing lives. And we parents are all really desperate to find the best ways to combine our old self with our new self. So, how do we do it? How do we go about it? 

Rule number one, relax. 

Well, ask yourself who are the best parents you know? The ones who have seemingly instinctive ability to say and do the things that will result in happy, confident, well-balanced children? Have you ever wondered what makes them so good at it? Well, the best parents. I know they all have one thing in common. They are really relaxed about it and the worst ones are hung up on something. Maybe they're not stressed out about how good they are as parents although, perhaps they should be, but they are hung up about something that affects their ability to be a really good parent. And I know a couple of parents who are neurotically clean and tidy, their children have to take their shoes off at the door or the whole world falls apart. They get really uptight if their children leave anything out of place or make any kind of mess. It makes it impossible for the kids to relax and enjoy themselves and that is something they really need to do. So, really good parents expect their children to be noisy and messy.

Rule number two, no one is perfect. 

Have you ever thought what it would be like if one of your parents or even worse both of your parents had no faults if they were perfect. Just think about it. Now, imagine your parents had been faultless when you were growing up, Suppose they were the textbook parents that your mother was always right. Sounds like fun? Chances are you have a character flaw or two that will come in handy. Of course, this doesn't mean that you're off the hook and that you shouldn't try to improve your parenting skills. It just means that you shouldn't give yourself too much of a hard time when you fall short of the standards you set yourself. Your children are going to at some point, blame you for something because that's how it works. So just remember, you can't win. Nobody's perfect. Just do your best.

Rule number three, never ever in a million years ignore your relationship with your partner. 

I mean this is pretty obvious, but let me give you a little bit of insight on what this means. Lots of parents pay lip service but far less really make sure it happens. So, you know, you probably experienced it by now, what is it like when you ignore your relationship or you ignore your partner, or you don't give them enough attention or you don't listen to them? 

So, you know, you love this person enough to have children with them. That's serious stuff. They should still be the most important person in your life and they take up less time and demand less attention than your children, but they should still be an object of your love. 

Having children changes your relationship more than you can think  but 20 years later and it will be you and your partner again, just two of you like it was before the kids have arrived. So make sure that one stays healthy and balanced.  If they are not the most important thing in your life, you are going to be screwed when the Children leave home. And so are the kids because leaving home is tough enough as it is without feeling that parents are separating, but they need to know that you love them and you love each other and that frees them up to get on with their lives, eventually, find a partner that they love and they want to start a family with.  Aim to go out on your own once a week or once every two weeks. If you can't afford a babysitter, you could find some other parents that could help you with childcare, and you could do turns for each other. So you could take it in turns and you could go for a walk in the park. You could go to get some fish and chips, you could go out or anything you can think of, as long as it's just the two of you. And, of course, there is the romantic life and there is the sex. 

So, of course, we all know that it's hard to find time and energy when you are feeling exhausted, you're busy, perhaps you're feeling run down or feeling simply unsexy. But if you set aside a time or an evening for a special meal with your partner, followed by a nice kind message. This might be just enough to keep the passion in your relationship going. So concentrate on the quality more than quantity. For most of us this helps.

Rule number four, don't try to have a perfect child. 

If you try to bring up a child that needs to be perfect, you will fail, you will also put them under an unfair amount of pressure. It's all too easy to pressurise our children and it's a bad thing. Who wants a perfect child anyway? In fact, more to the point, what is a perfect child?

And although all of the kids we like the most are those who have a little character. They have warm personalities and they have space and time to make mistakes and learn from their mistakes. Children aren't supposed to be mini grown-ups. The only kind of child worth aiming to raise is a child who is able to indulge their own individual personality with self-assurance and has the understanding not to hurt other people in the process. That's as good as it gets. Don't try to make them perfect. 

Rule Number 5, apologise if you get it wrong. 

One of the things that should be coming through by now is that the way we behave is the strongest model our kids have for their own behaviour. If you don't want them to lose their temper, you shouldn't lose yours. And if you want them to say please and thank you, you must be as polite to them. 

Now, here is another of those things you have to be able to do with your kids and funny enough lots of parents seem to have a problem with this one. So I guess the feeling is that, if you admit you were wrong, you undermine your child's confidence in all your power. If you say sorry, they will realise that you are not always perfect. Well, you are not perfect. It's only a matter of time before they work this out for themselves. You might as well let them down gently by showing them now and again that you do make mistakes. The more ready you are to apologise when you are wrong, the more your kids will see that it's not belittling to admit to being wrong. Grown-ups they admire can do it readily and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Some adults have a problem with apologising to anyone, let alone their kids. If you have a problem admitting when you're wrong you need to address this now before you bring your kids up to emulate you. Parenthood is a great time for getting through on your own shortcomings before you pass them down the generations.

Rule number six, set up some boundaries and know the value of boundaries. 

World is a scary place when you were a child. It's also pretty scary when you are an adult, the best security children have is a clear set of rules and guidelines so they can be sure they stay safe within these safe limits. They test boundaries constantly especially when they are little, not because they want to extend them but because they want to make sure they haven't moved. So your job is to make those boundaries clear to them and guarantee that they will stay put.

That way, you'll have a safe, confident, happy child who knows where they stand, they can learn about the world around them because it doesn't keep shifting and who knows you love them. And by the way, that means both of you, if you are not a single parent, it's not good if one parent enforces the boundaries and the other one doesn't. That just confuses the child. For all significant roles, both of you must enforce boundaries if you want happy, confident children.

Rule number seven, mind your programming. 

What don't you like about yourself? Do you not like how you never get a parking spot or the fact that you always overreact? If you don't mention it, your kids will have no reason to form a negative view of it. As they may inherit it from you, whatever you say about yourself now, they will hear echoing in their ears in 20 to 30 years time. We shouldn't criticise each other in front of the kids. Don't tease your partner for wearing glasses or criticise them for putting on weight. You are programming your kids subconsciously and you want this to cover the damage until it's done much later. Think - How do you talk about yourself when others don't listen? Do you share the positive and negative aspects of your day or a week with your children? Are you prepared to be vulnerable in front of your children and admit that you don't always get it right but it's okay because there are so many positive aspects about you?

Rule number eight, lighten up. 

Life is serious, relationships are hard work. Most of us experience stress daily. Most of us find parenting a huge responsibility that is not always easy to enjoy. When you lighten up, you will actually realise that we are given a short time on this planet. And we can choose to be serious and rigid and set rules and responsibilities for our kids or we can just lighten up and have some fun with them and actually have some time and fun with our partner and get this light approach to Life. That is exactly what will bring us closer to our kids. Because you see our children, the younger they are the more they are focused on having fun and being in the spirit of enjoying life and having fun and the older they become, the more life experience they gather and this life experience will work in positive and negative ways. It will protect them from certain life situations and making mistakes, but it will also give them the opportunity to form unhelpful limiting beliefs that will stop them from living their life to the full potential. 

So, if you want a really close, lovely relationship with your children, give it a break from time to time. Just be yourself. Choose to do something fun with them. Lighten up, do something silly. Something that is not academically focused or performance-based, just let them be themselves and you be the best version of you that you can be.