Stop Self Sabotage and Find Your Voice !

TOPICS IN THIS EPISODE

• Why women struggle with their mental health?
• What are common themes when it comes to poor self-care? 

HELPFUL  LINKS

• About the Host  - Ela Senghera 
• Speak to Me - Book Here
• Get Free Brochure  - Be True You in Your Relationship
• Audiobook - Finding Love
• Parenting Book (2nd Edition) - Teach Your Kids to Build a Positive Self-Image

Transcript

Ela:
Hi, Guilia, welcome to my show. How are you doing today?

Guilia:
Hi Ela. I'm doing really well. Thank you. Thank you for having me here today.

Ela:
No problem. Please. Can you tell us, Guilia, who you are? And what is it that you do?

Guilia:
I work in private practice as an art psychotherapist and clinical supervisor. I trained and completed a master's in drama therapy. And that comes under the umbrella of arts psychotherapist along with music, dance movement, those sorts of disciplines. As a supervisor, I support other practitioners. So therapists, organizations, and Perinatal Services. I work for an educational service providing supervision for head teachers and senior leadership teams as well. And on top of that, I'm also a mom to two young boys, which keeps me probably busier than all of the above.

Ela: 
And who are your main clients?

Guilia:
So my main clients are women, mothers, and also mother's to be. I do quite a lot of perinatal work in my practice,

Ela:
And how did you end up working in this wonderful area? To help so many people?

Guilia:
Thank you. Well, I originally trained as an actress, so I've always been about drama. That's always been my thing.

Ela:
I think many of us are about drama these days.

Guilia:
I was gonna say a lot of people might say that's very dramatic. Yeah, I am quite dramatic. And I saw a leaflet basically about a short course in drama therapy. And I was really curious because I have thought about counseling, but I didn't realize there was a way of combining the drama and the counseling. So I did the short course, which actually was the sort of precursor to the training that I ended up doing. And it was yeah, it was fantastic. But I still had my actress ambitions. So I went away and did that. And then I came back and then I retrained and did my masters at the University of London. And that was in 2009. So it's been a little while.

Ela:
No worries. So currently, you're working as a clinical supervisor and psychotherapist in London. And you're helping women who struggle with anxiety, depression, and generally struggling to adjust to motherhood, as well as you helping moms-to-be to prepare them for this journey.

Guilia:
That can be anxiety and pregnancy, it might be dealing with miscarriage, also I do quite a lot of work with birth trauma, as well.

Ela:
Okay, yes, trauma as well, of course. And based on your experience, what are we yet to learn about the way we need to look after ourselves, especially as women?

Guilia:
Yeah, I think I think we need to really learn about how much of what we experience impacts on and is also held by the body. So for example, I will ask pretty much all my clients, right, when they're talking about a particular emotional experience, what's happening in their body at that moment, you know, are there any tensions anywhere? Could be around the shoulders and not in the stomach? What does their breathing feel like because quite often the breath will come here, or even here, which is very oppressive. And I do a lot of work. as I said, with trauma. I do a lot of work with childhood trauma. And I often tell my clients about the idea of explicit and implicit memories. So explicit memories are kind of from the time when you were verbal, you know, when you spoke, when you were kind of more conscious of your world. And in his book, David Walling talks about his book Attachment Psychotherapy, which is an excellent book, because it the knowing that and then he talks about implicit memories which are from the kind of pre-verbal time even in the womb, which I find quite incredible. Yeah. These are the implicit memories and he calls them the Knowing-how and he gives an example of like riding a bike, you know, you don't sort of consciously think about how you ride a bike your body, it knows how it has the memory of riding the bike. So I think, you know, we need to look after ourselves holistically as a complete whole, you know, so body and mind if we want to improve on mental health, and particularly around parenting, motherhood, we often, you know, the majority of my clients are often guilty of kind of putting others needs first. Rather than their own.

Ela:
Yes, a very common thing among women. And it's a shame that many of us, including myself, in the past, only come to realize that when they totally neglect themselves, and the connection they have with themselves, their spiritual connection, and the connection with SELF. Right?

Guilia:
Absolutely! And I think, you know, for me, I'm very much about encouraging people to take action kind of before crisis point as well. You know, that thing of like, when you're starting to feel low or starting to float, that's the time to, as I said, to pay that attention and what's happening to you and your body.

Ela:
Yeah, and it seems to me like this again,  going back to self-awareness. This self-awareness really seems to me like the foundation of everything, of healthy relationships, mental well-being, and physical well-being. It's paying attention to your body, paying attention to how you feel, and trying to understand what might be the reason you feel like that. And even if you don't fully understand that, because very often, as you said, it might be related to childhood trauma or very early memories. Not neglecting that, sorry, ignoring those feelings.

Guilia:
Yes.

Ela:
So not ignoring how you feel and not ignoring being low for a long time, or feeling depressed or feeling anxious, or having problems breathing. Just paying attention to our bodies. And this is super interesting, actually, because I'm currently listening to the audiobook When Body Says No by Dr Gabor Matta. And the book is a fantastic collection of stories of patients who suffered from auto-immune diseases as well as cancer. And it's a book written based on evidence on those cases on Gabor's personal practice and his work, and it refers to the fact that exactly what you said, we need to look after ourselves holistically. So whenever we experience discomfort or pain in our body, whether we are men or a woman, we need to connect that to our living conditions, our current relationships, to our previous relationships, in order to further prevent the development of the disease. Because if we are unaware, of what might have cost, and very often we are unaware of what the health cost and illness are. Doctors are telling us one thing but many doctors these days in traditional medicine do not have a holistic approach to healing people, but a very traditional approach, right? So it is our job as moms, as dads, and as adults, even when we're not parents to pay attention to our body, to reconnect with ourselves, and really learn how to have our own back in a way.

Guilia:
You got to trust that voice inside you and not ignore it and say, 'oh, okay, I'll think about that later on'.  I often say this, again, to all my clients, you're the expert on yourselves, you know your body better than anyone. And, you know, the minute something is not feeling okay, don't ignore it. Trust that. Don't ignore that voice in you, that that as I said, is needing that attention, right? That's trying to get your attention.

Ela:
Yeah, absolutely. So I suppose self-awareness is one way to choose to start approaching whatever it is that we struggle with building that self-awareness. But how else do you feel or do you think we can initiate these positive changes in our life?

Guilia:
So for me, the positive start is something like therapy. I know, I'll say this as a therapist, okay. But, you know, essentially therapy is time for oneself, to focus on oneself. And if you want to make those positive changes, you know, it takes commitment, and it takes time. And that commitment can be shorter term or longer. You know, I've had clients I've worked with for three months and some for three years. So that's very much unique for the clients. But it does take that commitment, and I think parents, and particularly moms can struggle with guilt about the idea of taking that time out on a regular basis for themselves. But yeah, you know, I can talk a bit more about that. But I think, thinking about what we're talking about with the idea of the holistic approach, the therapy space, for me, certainly in my work, as a drama therapist with my clients, is it gives you that opportunity to sort of lean into those nuances in your body. So the things that I was talking about, so thinking about what they're trying to say what they're trying to communicate to you. Because there's just so much else going on in life. And as I say, people, it's like, 'oh, I think I feel that, but you know what, I've got so much to do.' So the therapy space to me is such an important one. It's really to protect yourself. And it really does need to be protected. Definitely.

Ela:
Can I just mention one thing? I read somewhere, something that I remembered, and something I try to use in my own life, is emotions are our body's feedback system. And I mean, this is not the official definition by anybody famous, or read it somewhere, or a couple of places, actually. And it just makes sense. If you think about it, the emotions we feel related to who we are, about our life, about our motherhood, whatever our childhood is, a feedback. And whatever we feel in one given moment, is our body's feedback system of letting us know whether we should continue doing something, or whether we should avoid that person or that situation.

Guilia:
Absolutely.

Ela:
And it's that feedback system that our body gives us. And I think women in general, are quite intuitive. And that's good. But we are we should really practice self-care and not ignore our, like you said, inner voice.

Guilia:
Yeah, because I think that mechanism is there to protect, right. But also, you know, even for ourselves and, you know, the majority of my clients, they come, they're so depleted, you know, where they're so depleted. They've just given and given but they haven't resourced themselves. And this whole idea of giving as a mother, I mean, that's a whole other sort of podcast we could talk about. And that's why I come back to what I said earlier about, kind of, when you hear that, get the support and pay attention to it before it becomes a crisis.

Ela:
And you must do that because what you don't think about at the time, is how that is affecting your children.

Guilia:
Absolutely.

Ela:
Without you even realizing it.

Guilia:
Absolutely.

Ela:
The core of the problem with today's crisis in children's mental health. It's the fact that not just mothers, but the people who raise children who are actively involved in raising kids.

Guilia:
The caregivers.

Ela:
Yes. They, including grandmas, grandmas, grandpas, uncles, moms, dads, brothers and sisters, but mainly the closest adults, the parents. And whenever we struggle with stress, anxiety, depression, and frustration, perhaps related to our work or poor work-life balance. We will take it out on our kids in one way or another unless we learn how to offload those emotions and those frustrations in a different way.

Guilia:
Yeah, and I absolutely echo that. And I think there are a couple of things here. So firstly, I think you're modelling for your children's self-care, right? If they see you taking care of yourself and knowing it's okay to prioritize your needs some time, you know, and knowing when that needs to happen, that is a really good thing to be showing your kids. And secondly, I absolutely hear what you say there's some there is definitely something about the impact. So in therapy, we talk about the ripple effects, okay, so you know, if you imagine like a stone dropping in a pond and all the ripples emanating so the idea is that certainly with a majority of the clients I work with, who are mothers or parents, you know, if you are getting that support for yourself, if you can start to make those positive changes, it's only going to have a positive impact on those closest to you, as you say, for example, your children. And I worked for many years with children and young people, and the parents just didn't have the support. And it's just so important. And I, as a result, I've worked with a lot of parents, many, many parents, who, you know, have relationship difficulties with their children, but in getting that support for themselves making those changes, you know, then the impact it has in a positive wellness relationship is wonderful. And it's absolutely doable.

Ela:
And now, and I think in simple terms, the sooner we reach out for help, as moms or dads,  the sooner we will prevent poor mental health in our kids.

Guilia:
Absolutely.

Ela:
Unfortunately, and I hate to mention, also plenty of different types of diseases in adult life, which very often originate from a lack of a parent who has been emotionally unavailable, or parents who weren't there when they needed to be there, or mom who was totally absent-minded and mostly frustrated with her life. This is all causing our children illness in adult life, among other factors, of course.

Guilia:
If you get that support as a parent, you know, I've worked with a lot of parents whose children are struggling with their mental health in a big, big way. But in getting the support for themselves, they're able to better support their child and they also have a place where they can come and offload. It's not playing out in the relationship with the child, you know, they're able to calm and level steam and think things through in the therapy space of their own. And they're in a much better position to support the child in their healing journey.

Ela:
Yes. So let's talk about your clients for a minute. We've mentioned at the beginning of our conversation, that you mostly work with women, but you also work with children. And with regards to women being your main clients and mothers, what are the most common issues women come to you with? What are the most common struggles?

Guilia:
I think the most common is anxiety. It's huge. And I know we've touched a bit on this at the moment, you know, there's a huge amount of anxiety around and shame is another thing. I think, working with trauma, often there's a lot of shame around, particularly around childhood trauma. And there are also relationship issues, as we've touched on with children and with partners.

Ela:
Would you say that anxiety is the leading light?

Guilia:
That tends to be linked. So sort of a lot of the chlorinator work I do, a lot of it's linked to anxieties about you know, different areas of pregnancy, or early motherhood, or relationships with children, you know. It's that heightened level of anxiety that often brings clients, I would say.

Ela:
Right, and what do you advise them in general? Like, how do you help them? How do you lead them? Through the journey, through improvement. Let's say they have high anxiety and a feeling of guilt that is associated with not being a good enough mother? What do you do to help them?

Guilia:
I think, firstly, is just giving people a space to unload. I mean, I know that sounds really kind of like, well, you could do that with a friend, you could do with a partner. But it's really not the same. And it's interesting in working with the body, because obviously, you know, a lot of people will say I don't work with the body. I don't know what that means. And it's something you do all the time. You do it without even kind of thinking about it. So I'm always making those observations to start with as well. But very much, making a virtue of the fact that the therapist space is their own, to be how they want if they want to come, you know, be upset, be upset. If they want to come and, you know, tell me stories about whatever, you know, it's perfectly fine. And I think the first few sessions often are a bit like that. But I think this is then where the bodywork comes in and is really useful for helping people find techniques to calm. So there's a technique I use a lot with anxiety for the 5 4 3 2 1. It's very popular with therapists. I do a lot myself. It's using the five senses. So it's the hearing, the seeing, the touch, the taste, the smell, and you can do it sort of anywhere. It's really, really easy, and it just helps people to recenter. So little techniques like that could be for anxiety. And I think it's just that there really is something in the sharing, the knowing you're not alone, the connecting to somebody. Because a lot of people will carry these anxieties on their own. And they feel like they're the only ones, especially moms, they think, 'Oh, my God, everyone else is coping. They're going to work, their houses are always immaculate.' Yeah, you know. So I think just knowing that they're not alone, and in that sense.

Ela:
And removing the fear of judgment. I'm sure you establish that in the first session already.

Guilia:
Yeah, I have this a lot. Because moms will say, 'Oh, what must you think of me? You must think I'm a bad parent.' And I honestly just think that as a parent, it's like being human, okay? You know, yes, there are times where you're on it and everything is, as you want it to be, but there are times where it's gonna be messy, and it's just gonna feel really uncomfortable. And that's everybody, including me, you know, as a parent, so. But that really is something I'm very sensitive of. Absolutely.

Ela:
And I think women who perhaps ask, and it's a natural question to ask a therapist or even a friend, it's natural that they worry about that because you don't know them. And so they are scared and afraid they might be judged right, even by their own therapist. But when they ask that question, I would imagine many women are forgetting that this is a place to help you so we can help your children.

Guilia:
Absolutely.

Ela:
So you're here to help yourself in order to help your children, your partner and your husband. Because don't forget, this is a circle. And it's transferring, unfortunately, mental health travel in families, and your anxiety will transfer like we said, on your children, on your partner, and it will negatively affect the quality of your relationship with your partner.

Guilia:
And it goes on because a lot of my clients work with what I call generational trauma. So things passed down from parents and grandparents and, as you say, these things inevitably, you know, can have an impact. So, absolutely, in giving that help to yourself, as I talked about it,  the ripple effects is a very, very powerful thing.

Ela:
What are the most powerful techniques or approaches that you have used across the years of your practice, that you feel are really helping women? And this doesn't have to be rocket science. But what did you find that really works?

Guilia:
I guess it's got to be the creative work. And that's really what sets my work apart, I think, from a lot of talking therapists, although obviously, people are welcome to talk in the therapy space, certainly the movement work. I think a lot of us can feel quite awkward in their bodies and a bit unsure. But I have just seen such transformations when you can feel relaxed, and often it can take some time. I wouldn't expect somebody to come in a first session and feel that you know, it takes time to build the therapeutic relationship and to feel comfortable, but just the weight that goes from people. You can almost see it. It's a real privilege. Those are moments where I just feel so privileged in what I do. So the movement work, it can be very transformative. And I also do a lot of work with images. I've got some stuff behind me like postcards, image cards, or people making their own images and just to stress, any kind of creative work. You don't need to be an artist, you don't need to be a dancer, you know, it's not about that. It's about what you produce. And the thing with the creative work is it often unlocks things that are a lot deeper, or what we would say perhaps more subconscious, right? When you're talking, it's all up here and you're like, 'Oh, I did this sedated'. But the creative stuff, it taps into the stuff, it's really deep in science, and it can really, really be powerful. So people will choose an image to see that looks nice. And then you look at it a bit more. What what about the shapes? What about the colours? What about the character? It's always been related to something that is going on a lot more deeply. But it feels easier to talk about because you're talking about that image, right? And then at the end of the session, that image will be put away. Yeah.

Ela:
Which is why your work is such a successful way of approaching therapy and drama therapy because it reconnects us with the body and reconnects us with movement and images of sunlight. And I feel the importance of that is huge because whoever suffers from anxiety or depression, and that's many people these days across different age groups. These people are often forgetting that they are absolutely not realizing that they spent too much of their lives in their heads.  And they need to, to put it quite frankly, or to get out of their head and get into their body. So we need to think less and move more. And that movement in terms of people who have anxiety and depression is really healing, right? Because the trapped emotions, the sadness, and the trauma is coming out of our body. So talking about problems is just one way of solving them. But moving your body dancing, drawing, writing, any creative work, painting, can really release tons and tons of trapped emotions from perhaps years ago. So I think we all need to listen to our bodies a bit more for the sake of our mental health. This has been super interesting, our conversation, Guilia. Thank you so much for being here today. Any final bit of advice for our listeners and our viewers?

Guilia:
Yeah, there are a couple of things. I'm all about manageability. I don't like to overwhelm people. So I'm just gonna say a couple of things. Firstly, I do want people to really remember what I said about the ripple effect, okay? Looking after yourself means essentially looking after those around you. So please, you know, make that a priority. And secondly, I wanted to also give people some homework because the inner teacher in me likes to do that sometimes. When we talked about the idea of going to the past, I do that quite a lot with the trauma work that I work with. I think people often associated with sadness, and there is sadness around but also what surprises a lot of my clients is reconnecting with joyful things in the past that have been forgotten. And again, this happens a lot. As a parent, you put all the stuff you loved doing or exploring to one side, I do this myself as a mom, if I don't do something creative, I really feel that in my body. So I would want to encourage listeners and viewers to, in the next week, rediscover just one thing that's been a bit forgotten or to the wayside that you really loved and just kind of see what it sparks at that moment. That rediscovery.

Ela:
Yeah. Perfect. Thank you so much. For any of you who is interested in Guilia, booking a session with her or her work, I will attach the link to her profile in the show notes. And thank you for now. I loved this. And I hope this is helpful for all of you. Thank you, Guilia.

Guilia:
Thank you. Thank you.