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Nantucket After Dark
Nantucket After Dark
Episode 13 - When couples don't have the same sex drive
After this week’s episode, you’ll be able to understand why partners have different sexual responses as well as supportive ways to navigate. No one is broken, a sexual freak, or a weirdo. It’s our differences that can bring us back to alignment with our true selves and with our partners. We can become closer than ever.
Mentioned within the week’s episode.
Sex Drive Podcast - Getting out of your head in bed - https://open.spotify.com/episode/6rVI49GAR6kT2Z2OXBFZVQ?si=68b9d6b15d3c41d5
All Sex Drive Podcast Episodes; https://open.spotify.com/show/7hpsmwDNE1jUZjrNfDkR7m?si=01d112fbab174391
Emily Nagoski Come as you are book; https://www.emilynagoski.com/home
Dr. Betty Martin three minute game; https://bettymartin.org/how-to-play-the-3-minute-game/
Sacred Sexual Soul Series: https://nantucketloveschool.com/sacredsexualsoulseries
Questions, feedback, or praise email Dorothy at dorothy@dorothydstover.com
Sacred Sexual Soul Series.
Email for questions, feedback, or supportive words - dorothy@dorothydstover.com
I remember the moment clearly, my boyfriend at the time turned to me and said, “Hunny we are twice a day couple.” My heart sank. I felt like he was limiting me. For months, I calculated my allotment of sexual activities with him. If we had sex in the morning and then at lunch time, would this mean we wouldn’t have sex before bed? I felt like he was rationing out sex for me and this made me feel so off.
For a year and a half we had been the couple that had a lot of physical activity together. Whenever we wanted and we seemed to want to have sex all the time. Some days, five or six times that day. At the time, I didn’t realize why I wanted to have sex so much. I’ll get into this in a bit, but first.
We found our sex drives didn’t match up. But really, there was something underlining the sex drive and desires. Something I didn’t see before. I’ll share more at the end.
But first, as a sex educator, A question I often get asked is what do I do when my partner and I have different desires and sex drives?
Some feel broken. Others feel like they are sex maniacs or weirdos. Others feel hurt. And others don’t want to hurt their partner so they give in and then feel resentment and slowly move away from their partner more and more.
With 80% of couples saying that they have sexual desire discrepencies, it’s no wonder this is one of my most asked questions, next to how does one get out of your head in bed. Listen to Sex Drive Podcast if you need support on this question as well. I’ll leave a link in the show notes.
Sex education side; what is a sex drive really? There are many different theroies. I’ll share with you one I find to be the most simple. You’ll find this all over the internet and Emily Nagostis name right next to it. You’ll also find this inside Come as you are, Emily’s book. I’ll leave a link in the show notes.
Emily believes there is no such thing a sex drive. There are two parts to desire; spontegious and responsive.
Dr. Patrica Love also coined the phrases; Sexy body and Sexy mind.
What is spontegious sexual desire? Are the sexy body people. They first feel sexual desire within their body before their mind. They are always ready.
What is responisive sexual desire? Are the sexy mind people. The people that first feel sexual desire inside their minds, before their bodies. They need the right circumstances.
You may find that you and your partner fall under one of these sexy selves? Maybe you two are different. But here’s the deal, just as knowing your partner’s love langage is a way to make your partner feel more love and also knowing your own love langage helps you asking for what you need to feel and experience love, so does knowing your desire style; are you a sexy mind or a sexy body?
Now, let’s add in Spirit beause we can’t have Nantucket after dark without adding in some Spirit in the mix.
Spirit side; energy being in alignment. That your desire style may change with how your energy changes. And this goes for your partner.
Not only how your desire type but also this can change with the type of energy your partner may have at this time.
Alignment with our true self and alignment with each other.
We can come out of alignment with ourselve or our partner and find our desire changes. Maybe when we used to be ready for sex, our bodies have shifted or our minds have.
No matter what no one is broken. No one is a freak. I’ll get into how you can work with your type of desire and your energy soon.
Next week’s episode of nantucket after dark we will get into the wisdom of our genitals. So stay tuned. You may find this helpful.
My personal experience; Back to the beginning when I shared my ex saying we were a twice a day couple and my heart sinking and being sex rationed, I was looking to have sex because of insecurtities. I felt if we were very sexually actite this was showing my love and I was receiving his love. There was also an underlining part of myself where I feared being cheated on.
Society told me if I please my partner, then they won’t cheat. Which is not the case.
My sexual insecurities masked as a high sex drive drove him away.
I’m not the only one who’s sexual desires are masking something else entirely. In fact, usually those with anxitous attachement style may have this as well because sex can be a factor to feeling secure in the relationship. For some, it’s “If I know I can please my partner, then I know I’m loved and they won’t leave me.”
I am on the spectrum for attachement styles. In the past, I tend to change shape depending on who I am with or where I am at emotionally. YOu may be like this as well or your partner may be. Most of us are usually anxious or avoidant. In the bedroom, the avoidant attachment style may separate love and sex. Where as the anxious attachement style in the bedroom may over compensate.
I had one client that said “I love my partner so much. I can’t imagine my life without them. They are my best friend. He doesn’t want to have sex with me though. I know he masterbates, but he doesn’t want to have sex.”
Actually, this client isn’t the only one that has said this sentence to me. Some parts change depending on the situation, but mostly it’s the same; they are my best friend, i love them so much but we don’t have sex.”
So what to do? There are four options. Let me know if there are other options I am missing.
Option 1: accept it and continue living life as is
Option 2: open relationship or polyamous; polyamous means loving multiple people. It doesn’t have to mean having sex with multiple people. It may be the key for some people where their main partner they have a deep bond with but no sex or very little sex. And one or both partners explore relationships with other partners. Polyamoury is a love style not a sex style. Open relationships would be more about the sexual relationships. There are many ways to have a relationship and love styles. Open relationships and polymaory are not for everyone. And sometimes, it’s more about a season, not forever.
Option 3; part ways with love. You both love each other, which is wonderful. For some people there needs to be more than being in-love or loving someone or being best friends, they need the sexual part of a relationship. This is acceptable. Sex is healthy and important for wellbeing. Sex is not nessisarily the priority for everyone. There are those that are on the asexual specrum and are happy not having sex and being in a relationship. Again, we all have different love, relationship, and sex styles.
Option 4: Dig in deep; there are ways to become sexually synced up or allow space to be sexually more in synce. Sometimes, it takes sex therapy. Sometimes, it takes self-growth. All the time, it takes communication between partners. If we reference before when I discussed sexual drives and sexual desires, you can use this inforamtion to your advantage. For instance, if you know your partner has responsive desire, which means they have the mental desire before the pyschical, this could mean there is more per-per foreplay. They may need to know that certain things are in order. They may need to not feel pressured when you touch them. They may need to have time just touching each other throughout the day. They mean need sweet talking to and flirting throughout the day. They may need you to pick up the slack at the house.
You may want to check out the quickie sex culture episode of nantucket after dark. I’ll leave a link in the show notes.
But here is an activity by Dr. Betty Martin that we reference over and over again throught the first season of the Sex Drive Podcast. I’ll leave a link in show notes for this as well.
Three minute game from dr betty martin is great for non-sexual and sexual activities alike. You may also add on time as you get the hang of the game and things become more hot and heavy.
The three minute game is very simple. It consists of two questions; how do you want me to touch you for three minutes? How do you want to touch me for three minutes?
You’ll take turns and there may be some discussion. You want to make sure you’re giving and receiving with a full heart. Some things one may not want to do a certain part of the game with being touched. For example, You may ask your partner how do you want to touch me for three minutes and they may say they want to play with their hair and you would like this, but want to be lying down. And you’ll go back and forth asking permission and giving permission. All with a full heart. You can increase the time and move this to a sexual activity when the time is right for the two of you.
What this game does it allow each of you to give and receive as well as be seen and heard. When relationships have giving and receiving and all feel seen and heart, hearts and walls melt. What was a sexual block because a save space to explore each other.
For some with high sexual desires, what they are looking for may be connection, intimacy, and pleasure. And for someone with a low sexual desire, they may have a sexual block or not have the desire beacuse they first need the connection and intimacy and then for the physical body to be activated through simple pleasures. Both can be achieved through the three minute game often.
I’ll leave a link in the show notes to learn more.
Inside the Sacred sexual soul series there are more activities for sexual and non-sexual practices for partners as well as videos of support that includes but it’sn limited to; reconnecting with a partner, sexual healing, and the pleasure scale with a partner. I’ll leave a link in the show notes.
You clearly have some love work. three different ways you can sync up; different podcast episodes, the three minute game and checking out the sacred sexual soul series.
Keep posted on your thoughts and how things are going. And if I didn’t answer a question you have or now you have a fresh new question to ask, please reach out.
Until next time, peace, love and hugs