Ep 14 - I've had over 12 men propose to me, this is what I have learned.

I stopped counting marriage proposals after 12…because 12 men asking to marry someone is ridiculous.  I have learned a few things in two decades of marriage proposals, though, and I would love to share them with you.  Especially the three different types of guys that ask women to marry them.  There are many generalizations in this episode, so please follow your intuition.  

Sacred Sexual Soul Series.

Email for questions, feedback, or supportive words - dorothy@dorothydstover.com

Transcript

Let me share a story of one of the marriage proposals I have experienced.  

He was the guy that women wanted, and men wanted to be.  He held my hand, and got down on one knee, and my heart sank "please let this be a joke," I thought to myself. I’ve been here before.  

He didn't know me. He loved the idea of me. The way he looked at me was like when a golfer looks at one of their new clubs, a useful object they are excited to use but will soon lose its shine after a few rounds. No one likes to compare themselves to a golf club, but it gets the point across. I wasn’t equal to this man.  I was something to own.   

I knew what it looked like when a man saw me and loved me for me. I also know what a man looks like when he's in love with the idea of me. 

In this case, he loved the idea of me. 

I know I'm not trophy wife material. Too wild to be domesticated. Side note. Nothing wrong with being a trophy wife, being domesticated, or marrying someone for security.

I knew saying no would bruise his ego, but saying yes would give him and myself a lifetime of misery. 

I wanted more for both of us.

No, thank you was my answer. 

"Can't blame a guy for trying," he said as he got up from the floor. 

He was the 12th wedding proposal I have received. After that day, I decided to stop counting.  I also dimmed my light, afraid to feel like I was leading someone on. 

So why have so many wedding proposals, and why do I keep choosing to be single? I'll share it in today's podcast episode. 

Why am I even talking about these marriage proposals? There was an anayanus question asked on instagram; “how Have I been proposed to over 12 times, and why do I choose to be single?”

As I started to answer this question, I realized my answer was better suited for a Nantucket After Dark.  A nice chunk of the marriage proposals I have received has taken place on nantucket after all.  

I’ll share with you the six things I learned from over two decades of marriage proposals and the three types of guys that ask a woman to marry them.  

First off, I’m no one special. I’m the most attractive person in the room. I’m not the hottest. I don’t have the best body in the room. I’m not the best in bed. I’m not the smartest or the wittiest person in the room. I’m not wealthy. Sometimes I’m below average in all of these areas, if I’m being honest. 

So why me? I do know there’s something about me.  And that something is usually best felt in person.  

If you were to see me on a dating app, you might keep swiping. But if you were to meet me in person, there’s something about my energy. 

I do have a lot of qualities of someone that someone wants to marry; I have a growth mindset, I’m kind, I’m warm, I’m willing to learn, I’m a cheerleader and supportive and loyal, I can be funny, I like to take care of my partner. You can throw me into almost any situation, and I’ll get by and maybe even thrive. I’m family-oriented, and I don’t try to control someone but let them be their true selves when they are with me. And I can clean up nicely as well. All in all, I can be a catch.  

t was a beautiful nantucket starry night. He got down on one knee on lower Main Street, and I turned around, and my high heels went clickily clack up The cobblestone Main Street. 

“I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” I shouted out in panic. He was the 6th guy to ask me to marry him. 

I would like to say he wasn’t the only guy I ran away from when he proposed marriage, but he wasn’t. I’ve high-tailed it on a few occasions. I was young. I didn’t quite learn how to handle so many marriage proposals. 

Does anyone learn how to? 

I stopped counting marriage proposals at 12. There’s been more since. 

Let me share what I have learned from over 12 marriage proposals and my experience working with clients. 

1. When a man is interested, he will do whatever it takes. If you’re not sure how a guy feels about you, then that’s a big clue. He will make it known he wants you. 
2. Guys fall in love faster than women. 
3. If a man is ready for marriage or kids, oftentimes, he will settle. (If you think I’m implying men were settling with me, you would be right. Many of these men wanted to get married, and if a warm-bodied female checked the boxes, they were in.) 
4. If you run away from a guy when he’s proposing marriage to you, lay low for a while. This was before social media, so I don’t know what one would do if one ran away from a guy who is proposing.  The few times I have, I was young, and wasn’t dating them for very long.  If I were in a relationship where we were together for a year or more, I would like to think I wouldn’t have run.  It’s been at least a decade since I have run away from someone proposing marriage to me.  I have done a lot of growth work.  Either way. You may want to take some your time. 
5. Don’t desire to be chosen by someone.  I could have easily married any one of these guys. A lot of these guys were absolutely caught. They weren’t matches for me, though. And if I desired to be chosen, I would most likely be in a sticky situation. My great-grandmother used to say that those who want to get married in the worst way usually do. Everyone wants the outside validation that they are wanted and loved.  It’s human.  I’m asking for you not to get caught up in being chosen. Have it be a cherry on top of an awesome relationship you have built sundae. 
6. There’s more than one person for everyone.  Also, Your person may never come along, or the two of you may have poor timing. I’ve been in love a few times. If no one showed up ever again, I would still have a life filled with romantic love. I also know there’s a real possibility I’ll be single for life. I’m good with this. Plus, stats show us that unmarried females are the happiest demographic. And I believe it. 

I remember a marriage proposal at the bottom of Main Street Nantucket late at night. They got down on one knee, and I turned away and ran. Literally ran up Main Street away from this sweet man. As I ran, I said to myself, “this is getting ridiculous.” And I decided to stop counting then and there. 

Why did I run? This wasn’t the first time I ran. I ran because I wasn’t ready. I ran because I didn’t want to say no again and for someone to get mad at me. I ran because I didn’t have enough courage to stay. 

In my defense, some men would ask to marry me and didn’t know me. And I do find that man men don’t see me but fall in love with the idea of me. 

Men that ask a woman to marry them fall into three categories; 

1. Ready to get married and/or have kids, and if you check the boxes, he moves fast. He doesn’t have to love you.  He is looking for a certain type of partner. He may not even love you if his real goal is children.  He may ask you to marry him because you have a look and the personality he is looking for in the mother of his children.  If you like the look of him and believe he will be a good father and co-parent, go for it.  If your values and your goals are aligned, more power to you both.  Just remember, never marry anyone you wouldn’t want to divorce.  Meaning if you think they would be nasty to someone during a divorce, don’t marry them.  You can get a hint of this by how they treat people that upset them and how they treat their exes.  Do they have multiple exes they talk poorly about? The common denominator is them. More than likely, not a great person to be in a relationship with, let alone get married to.  And with more than 50% of marriages that will end in divorce, it’s high that you two may get a divorce.  Make sure they are someone that will be kind and thoughtful in the end.  
2. He’s in love with the idea of the person and will love bomb the crap out of the person they are courting.  They will post lots of photos on social media.  They put their significant other on a pedestal,  and the moment he sees they are not like the version they have had in their head, they will feel the following; betrayed, heartbroken, or wonder if you or they even cared or loved them.  This is the person most likely to cheat.  
3. He truly loves the person and wants to build something solid with them. This is the guy that many women want, but few get.  Why? Because men are still catching up to the evolution of the soul.  This is the guy that not only sees the wonderful parts of you, but he also sees your flaws.  He calls you out on your bullshit and loves you still. The flaws become the parts he enjoys…most of the time.   He fell in love with your soul. You both feel safe to communicate and be your true selves with each other.  In my opinion, if it’s not the third guy, it’s not worth it.  I’ll stay single.  

This brings me to why I have chosen to be single.  I love being single.  I have a full life. I love what I do in the world.  I have purpose and connection.  I have an incredible family I am very close with. I have great friends. I love my own company. I love my alone time.  I love my relationship with God. I have an incredible sex life which I have been cultivating for two decades. So, suppose I am going to choose someone. In that case, it’s going to be someone I feel completely safe with emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and enviromentally and they feel the same about me.  I don’t want to settle for anything less because anything less sounds like stress to me, and my life is really good; why would I want to settle?  I value self-growth.  I allow other people to teach me and be my mirrors so that I can evolve.  I push myself and allow God to guide me.  

I have worked too hard on my comeback to commit to anything that will not support the evolution of my soul, and I want the same for my partner. I want to support the evolution of their soul.  I know this type of relationship is not easy, but I love doing deep work and holding space with Grace. 

We all deserve to be with someone that loves us for us.  And not only loves us for us but also allows space for us as individuals and as a couple to grow and evolve.  We deserve someone that is a partner and not just a significant other.  A wedding ring doesn’t equal happiness or a relationship falling into place.  A wedding ring is a symbol of commitment to the evolution of each of your souls and supporting each other while doing it.  Don’t settle for someone that doesn’t truly love you for you and you don’t truly love them for them.  

Now, with that said, if you want to get married for other reasons, rock on with your bad self.  If you know what you want, you’re open and honest with them, and you’re in alignment, then go for it.  I’m only sharing what I have learned from over a dozen men bending the knee.