Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
The Map to Relationship Renewal: Mindfulness Over Negativity
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Have you ever caught yourself thinking that all your relationship problems are your partner's fault? What if your perspective is actually contributing to the conflict cycle?
When we repeatedly focus on negative thoughts about our relationships, those patterns become our default way of seeing our partners. This isn't about blame or shame – it's about understanding how our nervous systems work under stress. As parents juggling countless responsibilities, stress naturally narrows our perspective, putting us in survival mode where we see threats everywhere – even from the person we love most.
The fascinating truth about negative mindsets is that once established, they're remarkably efficient at finding supporting evidence. If I believe my partner doesn't value family time, I'll notice every instance when they're distracted while completely overlooking moments of engagement. It's not manipulation; it's how our brains work when trying to protect us from perceived threats.
But there's hope through mindfulness. By consciously shifting our attention to three key questions, we can break free from these cycles: Do I fundamentally trust my partner's love and intentions? What is genuinely true about them beyond our conflicts? What do I like about them as a person, partner, and parent? This isn't about ignoring problems – it's about seeing the complete picture instead of just the negative frame.
The most transformative relationships are built on these small, daily choices to see each other fully. When we can joke about our negative patterns and repair quickly after conflicts, we create the depth and connection we've always wanted. Your mindset matters in your relationship – and mindfully choosing to shift from negativity to a balanced perspective might be the most powerful change you can make.
Take a moment today to practice seeing your partner through a wider lens. What might change if you approached your next conversation with curiosity instead of negativity?
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Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents a show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Here are our parents our dad, dr Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, erin Mitchell.
Speaker 2:Hello and thank you for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr Stephen Mitchell. I'm Erin Mitchell. Have you ever considered that your conflict or communication struggles with your partner are your fault?
Speaker 3:This is going to be a fun one.
Speaker 2:You know there's a multitude of research that talks about this idea of mindset that you play. You know, if you play a negative story in your head on a consistent basis, you actually carve out a negative mindset as your default and a consistent basis. You actually carve out a negative mindset as your default and how you perceive life and your experience and this applies to you know they take this mindset research and apply it to a lot of areas of life and business or just and you know, encouraging people to take risk and all those kinds of things. But it also does apply to relationships. A lot of the Gottman's research focuses on this idea of positive and negative interactions and then how that can set you into a negative pattern of feelings and beliefs that you might have about your relationship. And so if you have a negative perspective or a negative mindset on the regular in your relationship, what that does is that really sets you up for a relationship that doesn't feel good.
Speaker 3:So there's two things I want to say. One Stephen just loves the surprise, right.
Speaker 1:He just loves to say have you ever thought it's your fault Like we get it?
Speaker 3:Ha ha. So I think that's funny. I understand it is the element of surprise and like, oh, I don't know, have I? But here's the other thing that I think is actually very, very important about this One. I think a lot of us do consider this. I think a lot of us know that we are contributing to this. I think a lot of us don't. I think a lot of us do focus on our partners, but regardless, I think most of us don't know how to flip that script either way, reinforcing negative patterns. I am looking for them. How could I possibly stop? I'm certainly not doing that on purpose, or, okay, I'm willing to admit it's my fault, which, again, we mean. No shame here. Shane has never helped anyone find choice in their relationship true um, but same thing.
Speaker 3:So this is like a nervous system reaction. How could I possibly shift that? What I really like about this is there are things you can do there. There are ways to shift even default nervous system patterns here we go.
Speaker 2:So, yes, so here we go. So, so, yes, so here we go. So you know. Let's take Henrik and Louis. You know Louis is the default parent and stays at home and Henrik is out of the home working. And they frequently find themselves getting into disagreements on the weekend about how they divide up tasks and how they spend time with the kids. And it might sound something like this Henrik, louis, I know you want me to get the groceries so that I can get what we need for the coming week. I get it, but can I just order the groceries to the house so that I don't have to leave and can hang out with the kids some? Louis? No, henrik, I never hit the easy button and order the groceries. Just go get them.
Speaker 2:I'd love to have some time with the kids, just focusing on them and playing together, instead of trying to do a thousand things around the house while they are here. Henrik, well, it's not my fault. You can't just leave some things undone around the house and focus on the kids? Don't make me responsible for your personality and not being able to function in a house that doesn't feel clean, louis. Really, henrik, don't make me responsible for you never being around because you're always working. You just feel guilty for being gone and that's why you don't want to leave and not hang out with the kids. I can't be responsible for making you not feel guilty. This is how couples can begin to talk to one another when they are stuck in these negative mindsets. If you think about it, henrik and Lewis just bam went right into it, right into the negative perspective, right into the negative perception of one another and, honestly, this is oftentimes the place where couples come reach out to us or come to us is because they're like we are.
Speaker 2:So stuck here I cannot see my partner in any other way other than this negative. Like you know, I can't. You know your personality or your guilt. You know these really broad, generalizable, sweeping things that are really ruining the interaction between Henrik and Lewis.
Speaker 3:I think what is important here is one. Henrik and Lewis are doing something great. They have named the negative pattern or filter that they have.
Speaker 2:Whether they know it or not.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Well, yeah, I mean because it's coming fast, right? So that is also how you know it's maybe been a little while and they're tired of this dynamic is because it doesn't take much, for, like, the truest thing I think about you, which is the truest negative thing I think about you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:To just come right out Like, oh don't, like, I'm not doing this, I'm not spending the rest of the afternoon on this, just bam yeah, and this is real. We see, I mean, this is not real, this is a fictional story, but this is a it could be real.
Speaker 1:Sure.
Speaker 3:We hear this and we get it too. Hear this and we get it too. And maybe you have not had such a direct conversation, but the thing that they did do great is they are saying it. They know exactly what they're dealing with. And some of us keep that quiet.
Speaker 2:That's what I was going to say. Like you know, some of you might not be saying these things. You might not be as aggressive as Henrik and. Lewis were with one another. Yes, bold, but oftentimes these negative things are happening somewhere, either out loud or internally.
Speaker 3:Oh, for sure, and so they're definitely filtering the conversation.
Speaker 2:And so I just want to unpack it a little bit in terms of what might be going on here in relationship to how our nervous systems function. Here, in relationship to how our nervous systems function and I think that Henrik and Lewis are a great example of a circular pattern that parents can experience in their relationship and it kind of goes like this their stress. That's neither positive nor negative. That just means there's an intensity to life, because your parents, because you've worried about finances, because you got jobs, because you're balancing all kinds of things, whatever it might be, there is stress, and then stress narrows perspective, and I think a way to think about that is, when there's stress, you move from a place of being open to possibilities to being closed and just wanting problems to disappear, which is a normative thing when it comes to stress.
Speaker 3:I think the one thing that feels really important to me about that particular one is stress narrows perspective. That's necessary. Yeah, our nervous system is doing us a solid there by not having us pay attention to all options Like no, there's a threat, let's lock this down. And the problem, though, is no, there's a threat, let's lock this down. And the problem, though, is our partner's not a threat. And again, this is my little soapbox moment If your partner is a threat, this conversation isn't for you. To begin with, we are not talking about real threats?
Speaker 3:No, we are talking about healthy relationships that have some unhealthy patterns, not unhealthy relationships. So our nervous system is saying our partner's a threat. I must put them in this one box so I know how to interact with them. Sure, and we have shut down. Wait, that's not all that's happening here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so to that point that stress narrowing your perspective, then specifically, stress narrows your perspective and openness to your partner and you start seeing all that as negative in your partner, putting them in that box in a sense just to compartmentalize and just you know kind of make them smaller, that's right.
Speaker 2:Right. And then stress keeps you and your partner stuck in this negative mindset that that further turns your stress up. So when you and your partner, when Henrik and Lewis, are having this kind of negative interaction, this negative interaction creates stress in the relationship, which then perpetuates this idea of oh, my relationship is in trouble, my relationship is stressful, and keeps them in this circular pattern of negativity.
Speaker 3:So I think another thing here is no one's choosing that, no one has chosen that. That is us trying to keep ourselves safe. That's trying ourselves safe. That is us trying to keep things moving. But one of the things our nervous system will do to keep us safe and to keep us like moving forward and getting out of threat is shutting down options. I would rather, in a stressful, threatened moment, I would rather say Steven is all bad, he is all bad, always bad. And again, this isn't Aaron choosing this. This is my nervous system saying nope, lock it down.
Speaker 2:We must pursue safety, and then you're able to find data that supports that Of course, we'll always be able to. And that's the thing about a negative mindset you can always find support for it and because you have had experiences that feel negative, Well, because we're also not perfect people.
Speaker 3:Sure, If I'm, you are not a perfect person.
Speaker 2:Oh really, you are my favorite person oh man. This is the first I've heard.
Speaker 3:But if I'm looking in the same, it's true, right. But if I am looking for data for you to hurt my feelings or for me to be like nope, he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me. Oh, he doesn't want time with me. I'll find it. Sure no matter how many other things are happening in a day.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so this is the loop that Henrik and Lewis are in, and you know what? This is a problem that Louis, henrik individually, as partners, have a responsibility to address. Does your partner also have the same responsibility? Absolutely, but we are talking about you. So this is a very like think about yourself and evaluate yourself, and we'll be right back.
Speaker 3:Tired of having the same argument over and over. Our book Too Tired to Fight gives you the conflict of connection equation, a framework to help you finally feel heard, validated and able to repair after fights. Don't have time to read, no problem. It's also available as an audio book. You can order it anywhere books are sold or at couplescounselingforparentscom. And if you'd like us to guide you personally, we offer coaching. We have five new spots each month. Start with a free 20-minute consultation through the link in the show notes. Too Tired to Fight the book and coaching for parents ready to reconnect.
Speaker 2:And now back to the show. As Erin and I were talking about this, she brought up this very important concept of like well, how do you actually shift out of that negative mindset? And you use the word mindfulness, being mindful, and I wonder if you could say a little bit more about that, because I think from that, we want to give you three things that you can be mindful about in relationship to your partner that can help shift you out of this negative mindset.
Speaker 3:Sure. So the research is very clear. Like when it comes to your nervous system, we can't just say today I'm not going to, I'm not going to have my nervous system take over, because our nervous system, thankfully, does just take over.
Speaker 3:But what we can do is talk to our nervous systems and mindfulness is that very practice. It's saying I'm safe here, I am safe, we are in a healthy relationship. Do we have some things I want to shift and change? Yes, but am I safe in this relationship and do I overall trust our goodness your goodness towards me, my goodness towards you? Yes, so we are continuously. It's sort of like the opposite thing, where we put a filter on of like to stay safe. I must be constantly looking for threats. It's talking against that or to that and saying I am safe.
Speaker 3:So there are going to be some things that might cause me to question that, but I'm safe. I'm safe in this relationship and I can bring these things up. I'm safe in this relationship and I can bring these things up. We can talk about these things.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So a visual for this might be let's say, you're walking down a road and the road splits and you have two options you can take the negative mindset path or you can take the more positive mindset path, and mindfulness is, in a sense, your map that you can look at and say what road is going to give me the best path towards the relationship that I want. And then, when you look at that map, there's three things that we want to present to you in a sense of like you know, these aren't the only three things, but they're just three things that we know are important in our experience of working with couples. And so these are the three things that, when you look at that map, you say, okay, I want to focus here and that is going to lead me down the road that is more positive and gives me a positive mindset. First thing that you want to be mindful of is asking yourself this question Do you trust your partner?
Speaker 2:Okay, do you trust that they love you, that they love your family? Is your partner perfect? No, as Erin just informed me today, apparently I'm not perfect. I thought I was, but news. I'm going to deal with it after the show and just try to metabolize that, but not is your partner perfect and you can trust them to never be disappointing and never hurt your feelings and never whatever? But that ultimately, at the end of the day, when you look at your partner, you say you know what. I trust them, I trust who they are, I trust their character, I trust their love? I think that that is one important thing for you to think about and be mindful and to help shift out of this negative place.
Speaker 3:What this is probably a whole podcast in and of itself. I'm just gonna say it. We don't need to like go deep into it, but our ability to trust our partner's love is so determined by our histories, so yeah that might be more complicated, but do I trust my partner loves me is maybe a little less thorny sure, most sure, because can I trust their love? No, I grew up in a house where love was never to be trusted. So, no, of course I don't trust love, but like can I trust that you love me?
Speaker 2:Yes, well, and I think a lot of times too. Another way that partners talk about this and there's is can you trust your partner's intentions and look, intentions don't always lead to the impact that you want, but can you, at the base level, say, like you know, what my partner's intentions I know are for the good of me, for the good of the family, totally those kinds of things?
Speaker 3:Yes, and we can work on impact right that we can work on.
Speaker 2:The next question is to ask yourself what is true about your partner? And, yes, what is true about your partner? And, yes, what is true about your partner? Maybe they're just, you know, lewis and Henrik. What was true about Henrik in that moment for Lewis is Lewis was upset with Henrik for not going to get the groceries. Henrik was upset for Lewis for not understanding his situation.
Speaker 2:Yes, those things might be true about one another, but also, again, it's kind of coming down to that fundamental level. You know, can you trust, you know, is your partner hardworking? Do they try? Do they look to be engaged? Are they willing to be humble? Are they curious, like in these moments that aren't the activated, tough moments, what do you know to be true about your partner in terms of you know they have integrity, they're compassionate, you know they're kind, these kinds of things.
Speaker 2:And then the third question that you can look at is what do you like about your partner as a person, as a partner and as a parent, and in focusing on those good things that are true about who they are, about who they are, and so, when you look at this mindful map and you purposefully and intentionally put your mindset on these things, this is your effort and this is your commitment to shift out of a negative mindset into a positive mindset. Does that mean that these negative things might still be present? Sure, does this mean that you negative things might still be present? Sure, does this mean that you're just putting rose colored glasses on and just ignoring things that might be hurtful.
Speaker 3:No, I think you and I approach this a little bit differently. Shocker.
Speaker 2:Imagine that.
Speaker 3:I think that all this is doing is not shifting even a little bit. I think what it's doing is allowing us to consider all of the things.
Speaker 2:Ah, I like that yeah.
Speaker 3:Because, if we're focusing, because the way I talk to clients about it is that at some point in our relationship we were very open, our love was limitless and it was-.
Speaker 2:Yeah, usually at the very beginning.
Speaker 3:You solved all the deficits I had and all of that. But then at a certain point it's like, oh, and it's very often early in that parenting Like did we have problems before?
Speaker 3:Did we have perfect communication? Of course we had problems, of course we did not have perfect communication, but something happens, I mean honestly, a lot of times. It is right when you're either trying to conceive or when that baby's young but like, oh, you're going to be just like every other negative relationship I ever had, got it, and then we put a lens on for negativity. I think all we're talking about here is that we are trying to notice that we have that filter of negativity on, not that we're trying not to see our partner honestly, but we're trying to see them holistically.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so true, because all that initial phase, when everything was just wonderful, isn't the holistic picture either. No, I mean that's also love.
Speaker 3:Chemicals Our brain actually filters out negativity so that we can actually fall in love. Because if we did see people honestly, even ourselves, we probably wouldn't. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I really love that reframe or that way of thinking about it is. And again, I'm just going to really stick with this map analogy. I like the map Because when you look at a map, you can see the whole picture, right, absolutely. You can see the journey, you can see where you're ending up, and so this is an effort to see the whole picture.
Speaker 3:I think that's a great way to say it, and so there's I have to say this too when we get in the car.
Speaker 3:our car has one of those like screens that you can put the navigation and every single time, especially our youngest kid wants us to put in where we're going. And I'm talking if we've been there a thousand times. But he wants to see where we're going, he wants to know how far it is, see how like he wants to know. And I think that that makes sense. We all want to know what the plan is.
Speaker 2:We all want to be able to see this, and so this process of being mindful in this way it's a conscious choice, it takes small daily actions. It's imperative for your relationship and the longevity and health of your relationship, and it's a small act that makes a very significant difference, and I think practically just some small ways that you can mirror this and like, take action. You know, this obviously is a mindset where you're trying to think about these things, but I think also things like laughing together, being affectionate, being thoughtful, being curious, dreaming out loud with one another.
Speaker 3:That practice of mindfulness.
Speaker 2:And the practice of mindfulness. These things put you on that path, that positive mindset path. And, again, these are things that, yes, we have to commit to and be purposeful towards to pursue each day. But you know what? We could be purposeful and committed to pursuing a negative mindset each day, and oftentimes we do that and that really doesn't get us to the kind of relationship-.
Speaker 3:Well, we do that for self-protection, right, I have to continue to say that, but that's default setting. So we have to combat default settings so we don't stay in the negative pattern that we want. We have to be honest and give a full assessment, a fuller map.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes.
Speaker 3:So that we just see exactly what's going on, like all of it, so we can even address the things we don't like, because of course we should be addressing things we want to change and shift in our relationship, but we cannot do that if that is all we see.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if we only see the problems.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I'm never going to change if Stephen comes and says reason number 753, you've failed me today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's all your fault, whereas again kind of back to that idea of we have responsibility individually to bring ourselves to our relationship with a different mindset. And so what might a repair conversation between Lewis and Henrik look like? I'll be Lewis if you can be Henrik, erin.
Speaker 3:Love to.
Speaker 2:Great. So this is Lewis, Henrik. I took a cheap shot at you by talking about how much you're gone. I know that bothers you and is a sore subject.
Speaker 3:And Henrik says it was a cheap shot. I took one too. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:Lewis, I'm sorry too.
Speaker 3:Henrik. So it sounds like what we meant to say to each other is I want to try and get as much time with the kids as I can on the weekend, and you want to have some time with the kids where your only focus is playing and hanging out with them.
Speaker 2:Lewis, that does sound about right. I bet, rather than just blowing up at one another, we might be able to find a solution that helps us both get what we would like.
Speaker 3:Henrik, you mean we didn't need to overreact and we could have just talked about this without attacking one another?
Speaker 2:Lewis, yeah.
Speaker 3:So what I love about these kinds of repairs is when you know all the things, when you know what you're bringing, when you know what your fears are like. They know they took a cheap shot. They went for what they know is actually a place of insecurity and sadness in each other and just went for it. That's the filter. But when you know these themes, these patterns, the way your cycles do show up, you can shortcut your conversations out of them and you can actually joke about it. Wait a minute. You mean we didn't have to be terrible to each other. Oh, that repair really does look and sound like that in relationships like this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so your mindset does matter in your couple relationship, and what the effort can be on your part is how can I shift from a place of having a negative mindset to a place of having a positive mindset in relationship to my partner? And that little effort and those little steps can give your relationship the depth and the longevity and the closeness and connection that you want. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And, as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents and remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.