Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
How To Talk About Drinking Before It Derails Your Holiday
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The holidays can fill a room with warmth, noise, and nostalgia—and still leave one partner quietly overwhelmed. We dig into the messy middle where alcohol meets family rituals, social anxiety, and the pressure to keep everything magical for kids. Through a candid case study of Heath and Bailey, we unpack why couples get stuck arguing over “how many drinks” while missing the deeper issue: presence and shared responsibility.
We explore the common reasons people drink at festive gatherings—soothing awkwardness, enhancing joy, numbing grief—and show how a quick pour can shift from choice to reflex. Instead of counting glasses, we focus on what actually protects connection: clarity, planning, and agreed signals. You’ll hear a practical set of questions to map your approach before events: whether to drink at all, who drives, what limits feel respectful, how to read each other’s signals, and what you want your kids to observe about adult decision-making. We also talk openly about family addiction history, genetic risk, and how to avoid shame while still taking risk seriously.
Our goal is simple: help you design holidays where you remain reachable to yourself and each other, even in crowded rooms. Expect straight talk about boundaries that don’t feel controlling, compassion for the partner who leans on a drink to get through, and concrete ways to replace reactivity with choice. If you’ve had the same argument on the drive home year after year, this conversation offers a path to alignment you can actually use at the next gathering.
If this resonates, follow the show and leave a rating. Share this episode with someone who needs a calmer holiday plan, and tell us: what’s one agreement you’ll try at your next celebration?
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Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents. A show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Our dad, Dr. Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, Aaron Mitchell.
SPEAKER_03:Hello, and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr. Stephen Mitchell. I'm Aaron Mitchell. And on today's show, we wanted to talk about alcohol and the holidays. And everyone just sort of went, that feels awkward.
SPEAKER_01:And awful and pointless and defeating.
SPEAKER_03:Yeah. And so the reason we want to talk about this is because it's something that comes up quite a bit, actually, uh, in talking with couples. Uh, not even necessarily around the holidays, but um, this is a good time, I think, to talk about it because there's much more um alcohol consumption, I think, uh, during the this time of year.
SPEAKER_01:Sure. I think, well, it at the very least, there's a lot of opportunity for this to turn sideways.
SPEAKER_03:Yes.
SPEAKER_01:And so it does come up more often around the holidays, even though it isn't just a holiday specific.
SPEAKER_03:Yes. So we thought we would jump into the awkwardness of the conversation and um share some things that we think could be helpful um to help reduce any friction or conflict that couples might run into um when considering how they're interacting and how they're relating to alcohol during this time of year.
SPEAKER_01:So I also think it's worthwhile. So I have my master's in counseling psychology. Steven has a PhD in medical family therapy and a master's in counseling, but you have specific Yes.
SPEAKER_03:Yes. I have experience working in the uh substance use uh world um and have you know pretty extensive experience. Used to run um outpatient programs uh for a large academic hospital.
SPEAKER_01:Um so I think when it was when you said, you know, some things we think. I'm like, this is not based on things we think might be. I mean, give her a try. Sure, sure. Based on a lot of experience, a ton of research. It matters. This is really important work.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, yes, yes. And I think it would also be fair uh for us to acknowledge that both of our lives have been impacted by addiction. Absolutely. Yes, personal, you know. So so there's also this personal, professional um experience. Uh also want to be clear that we are not telling people that they should not drink um either. We're just saying, here's some thoughts about how to have a conversation with your your partner around um alcohol. So um, you know, let's let's just give a case example. Um let's let's take uh Heath and Bailey. Now, each Christmas day, Heath and Bailey go over to Bailey's parents' house for a family get together. And it's a lot of fun. Their kids get to play with their cousins, and Bailey loves the tradition of being with her family. And Heath likes the day too, but he can feel a little overwhelmed by the day. He loves Bailey's family and is glad to go, but he also can feel a bit socially awkward. He doesn't love crowds. Inevitably, inevitably, there's that one relative. He always forgets who they are because they only show up every other year and he has to act like he remembers them, and he has this awkward 30-minute, you know, catching up conversation. Um, or, you know, as the day progresses, uh, more and more uh family friends or neighbors start showing up to Bailey's uh family's home, and it just feels like a lot. And you know, also, I mean, if he's really honest with himself, like he loves Bailey's family, but even then, being um at her home with the family, he he still gets a little nervous sometimes, um just being someone who quote unquote is on the outside of the family. Um, you know, one thing that Heath has found helps on Christmas Day is to have a few drinks. You know, it's a festive occasion. Uh alcohol calms his nerves, and it helps him feel more comfortable in those uncomfortable social social situations. And uh this year, Bailey comes up to Keith to Heath and says, you know, hey, uh when we go to my parents, can you not drink so much? Heath. What are you talking about? I don't drink that much when I'm there. Bailey. Heath, yes, you do. Every year the night ends and you're a little drunk, and I'm the one that has to deal with getting us all together and back home. Heath. That's not true. Bailey. Yes, it is, Heath. And the reason you don't remember is because you aren't all together when it happens. Heath. Bailey, I don't drink that much, and honestly, if your parents wasn't so overwhelming and chaotic, I wouldn't have to. Have a few drinks just to calm down some of the chaos. It's not that big of a deal, Bailey. But that is what I'm saying, Heath. It is a big deal. I want to feel like you are with us, with me during Christmas, not trying to just get through and checked out because you're drunk, Heath. Well, I'm not in high school, Bailey, and I don't need you regulating on me and telling me what I can and can't do.
SPEAKER_01:So ouch. I mean, such a just like a ugh conversation.
SPEAKER_03:But such a typical conversation.
SPEAKER_01:Very much so, yes. And I think the parts, I mean, there's a few things that really stick out about um, obviously, the details of this are super specific to Heath and Bailey, but there are some things that feel uh sort of universal in this conversation, which is you drink too much, I barely drink that much.
SPEAKER_00:Sure.
SPEAKER_01:That we have a very different perception or even reality or even just experience of what we're actually talking about.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_01:And we can get really like, you drink too much, I barely drink at all. Right. What are we talking about? We've just lost the whole thread. Now we're arguing about like, well, I thought it was three. Well, you it there were barely anything in there. That's I mean, it is bonkers. Yeah, it that is just exhausting because we're not that's not that's not a concrete conversation.
SPEAKER_03:Well, and then that's what an art a conflict becomes about, and it doesn't actually become about what Bailey is trying to say in this situation, which is I just want you present. Like that you're different, it changes things. Like it that when you do that, there's a burden that's placed on me.
SPEAKER_01:Yes, she says the word drunk. He's like, Oh my gosh, I've never once been drunk in front of your parents. And she's like, you know what I mean. He's like, No, I actually don't.
SPEAKER_02:Okay, little butt. I mean, I, you know, you're not okay, you're not blackout drunk, but you know, like talking about degrees and kinds of things.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, trying to somehow qualify a conversation that is entirely missing up the point.
SPEAKER_03:Right. And and then I think for you know, Heath, actually, Heath is trying to say something too um about what the experience is like um for him that is also I think getting missed uh in that, which is there's something about that that experience that you know it feels overwhelming for him, and that's important. And maybe there's some um interaction that Heath and Bailey could have around that. But again, what we're talking about, usually what this as to your point, what this conversation digresses into is how many drinks someone has had and how drunk are they, and and really like is it that big a deal? And it it just feels pointless. I think there's just some questions, some good questions for couples to think about and ask themselves. So this is my suggestion to all of you holidays, Christmas, uh, or however you celebrate, you know, Hanukkah, you know, all these other kinds of holiday celebrations are happening or coming up, happening new year, all this kind of stuff, why don't you and your partner, if this is a conflict that you've ever gotten into, sit down, listen to this podcast, and let's think about these questions together. So if you were sitting with Aaron and I and well, we only work virtually with people. So if we were meeting together with you through a uh computer screen, these are the questions that we would be talking to you about. Um so, you know, this is a you know, theoretical session with uh Aaron and I um that you and your partner could have. So I think one of the first questions that we would consider or think about is why do people drink on the holidays anyway? I think that that's an important thing to think about. Um if you notice, uh one of the biggest reasons that people drink, and this is just from my experience working in this field as well, is social anxiety. If you think about Heath, he says, uh, it's a little overwhelming. I have these awkward conversations. I feel a little uncomfortable, and alcohol helps me not feel so anxious.
SPEAKER_01:I think what is I agree with you entirely. I think a lot of people would not identify as having social anxiety, who when sort of if you can take the words away from it, the idea actually does resonate for them. Um doesn't mean you're anxious, it doesn't mean Heath is actually anxious, or like in terms of like, you know, sort of like the clinical word or what people think of in terms of anxiety around Bailey's family.
SPEAKER_03:I'm uncomfortable in social situations sometimes, is is what I would say. Absolutely. Does that ever happen for you? Do you ever drink because drinking helps you not feel uncomfortable?
SPEAKER_01:And I would have to assume most people would say at some point they are a little uncomfortable sometimes socially. So like we can all relate to social anxiety, but when and where and how probably is very different.
SPEAKER_03:Right. So so that's a primary reason. I think another primary reason is I have to finish my thoughts. I'm sorry. Sorry, I thought you were.
SPEAKER_01:No, I but I just mean like don't get hung up on the words. Yes, I'm not a socially anxious person. Like I am not, I'm not a socially anxious person. But man, have I ever experienced some social anxiety? Yes, yeah.
SPEAKER_03:Um, so that's um, I think another reason that uh people express is they get caught up in the moment. You know, it's fun, it makes good things better, you know, just uh enjoying the moment. And alcohol can help a good time feel gooder, even though that's not a good right word. So I think that that's another thing that people say. So, you know, you're you're with family, you're with friends, you're having a great time, and you're just trying to enhance that moment.
SPEAKER_01:I also think that alcohol is such a part of um so many people's um sort of social experiences. Like you even think about they're beautiful, they're fun. They have like, you know, people name and party entirely after the cocktail, or they're just signatures, champagne and on New Year's Eve. Yeah, with those kinds of candied cranberries or whatever. You know, like there's a there's something about it that is fun.
SPEAKER_00:Sure.
SPEAKER_01:Um, and so I think it it it is easy for that to happen, or for that to become a central fixture.
SPEAKER_03:I think some other things that happen is people feel sad around the holidays, people feel alone around the holidays. Uh, one of the things that we uh experience even personally ourselves, but also in a lot of the couples we work with, like the holidays are a time to remember that people you love are not present. Um, I think uh that, you know, these family gatherings, these uh gatherings with friends, and if you have lost someone uh through death, or if you've lost someone just through separation and estrangement, um, whatever it might be, because you've moved, uh because you don't live, you know, that these times can feel really sad and lonely.
SPEAKER_01:I think there's also something very important to note, specifically for the demographic we tend to work with, which is very often, not exclusively, but very often parents. And the magic has shifted. The magic used to be yours to experience, and now you are the people creating that magic, and it's a lot of pressure. I think it can feel really there's grief in that too.
SPEAKER_00:Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:Um, and there's beauty and wonder and goodness also. So I I certainly don't mean to only make that a one-sided thing, but it's it can feel heavy and it can feel like, oh, it used to be this for me, and it's really not.
SPEAKER_03:Yep. And so why why do these even matter? And and I think that in this conversation that you and your partner are having, you have to understand why you drink, you have to understand what motivates you to have a drink. And I think that that is important because if you're not aware of why you're drinking, then you can drink without awareness. And when you drink without awareness, that's where you end up having too much.
SPEAKER_01:Well, it becomes a reaction and not a choice. So I think even if it's not too much, um or whatever too much is, you know, I think that that's a butt that's not even the point. I think I I mean that can be a point, but I think that even if it's not too much for you or for your partner, we want to be people who make choices, not just react our way through situations, especially really, really meaningful ones like holidays as families.
SPEAKER_03:Right, right. And so I think first of all, like just ask yourself why when if I drink, why? Why am I doing that? And is my reason one that I would choose? Yeah. So I think that that's the first thing to consider for you and your partner. I think the next thing is why does drinking create conflict? I have here during the holidays, but I could even just remove that and say during any event.
SPEAKER_01:Well, you don't need to say anything. Just why does drinking create conflict?
SPEAKER_03:And I think the umbrella statement here is to Bailey's point, because it impacts presence. And this is how I think that it impacts presence. So um if a partner or both partners are are drinking, they lose access to one another in a sense, because by the nature of what alcohol is, it it takes you out of your senses, which then takes you out of the ability to be aware, to be completely mindful of your conversations, to be completely engaged.
SPEAKER_01:Sure.
SPEAKER_03:True.
SPEAKER_01:I I think all I would add to that, which is just probably self-evident, but is you lose presence to yourself. Yes. Yes.
SPEAKER_03:You have and and when that happens, I mean, things, you know, we we hear, you know, partners, you know, things that cause conflict is you know what? When you drink too much, you're like you're embarrassing. You maybe say things socially inappropriate. You're you're like you that loss of access to yourself takes place, and then guess what? I'm sitting there trying to manage you in the midst of everyone else, and guess what? We've got kids too, and so who gets left to manage everything? It's me.
SPEAKER_01:I think there's a whole spectrum of things that can happen, right? So there's like the very extreme, which is I think more in what you were just saying, which is like you're embarrassing yourself, or you are socially inappropriate, or you do bad stuff. I mean, you want to talk about like when people step out of line. It's sure. I mean, that is a very easy thing. You say things, do things you don't mean to do, um, even with other people. Um, that is that is extreme. And I think the majority of people, this is what they're about. Doesn't I think that's what Heath is saying. Like, I'm not socially inappropriate, like I'm not embarrassing myself, like, oh my gosh, back off. But it doesn't have to be that for it to be a problem. Right. Certainly, all of those things are a problem. Right. Um, but there's a whole world of I just don't like it.
SPEAKER_03:Right. Like you're just not fun.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, it's just not fun for me. Or I feel like, yeah, it's the pressure's on me, or you forgot that you are also doing all these other things. It really doesn't have to be anything outside of I don't like it.
SPEAKER_03:Which I think taps into that feeling again for part, whoever whichever partner it is, I think there can be a real feeling of being abandoned, being left alone by your partner in a situation like that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you've chosen a substance over a relationship. Because I am saying that this breaks our relationship, and you're saying don't care. Right. Um, and now whether or not you're actually trying to say that with your words, you are certainly saying that with the behavior.
SPEAKER_03:Right. And and I think also within this, you know, another thing we hear couples say is if one partner has had, um, does have a history of one of their family members or something having an uh addiction, and that's part of their story, and then their partner is drinking, and again, I don't even mean in an addictive way, just drink in a way that doesn't feel good or feels uncomfortable, that that's that can be really hurtful too, and that can create a lot of um negative uh memories and negative feelings for that partner who has had that history of addiction in their family, and that kind of stuff comes up. And then sometimes what happens is maybe that partner is with their family, with the people in which that has been a very negative experience, and then their partner is also perpetuating in that part. And that can feel really bad. And and so again, you you and your partner have to think about why does this create conflict for us? So, Bailey, in a sense, I would say she was asking for that conversation. There might have been a better way to ask for it, but Bailey and Heath were not having that kind of conversation. Heath was not open to it, Heath wasn't curious about that at all.
SPEAKER_01:And so And maybe Bailey doesn't know even exactly what she's hoping for. Yep. So I mean, we we definitely you know there's room for growth there, no question. But maybe she did. And and maybe Heath did. It doesn't really matter. And maybe this is the 47th time they've tried to have this conversation, and it's just like, oh, I know exactly where this goes. You're gonna say I'm drunk, I'm gonna argue I wasn't. Perfect. End of story.
SPEAKER_03:Right.
SPEAKER_01:No help.
SPEAKER_03:But let these questions help you have a different kind of like don't do that. Like, think about why do I drink, and then why does how how does this cause conflict? And and what are the because there are deeper layers to why um it creates the conflict.
SPEAKER_01:No question. I I think it's worth saying too in the in conversations like this, and maybe not for Heath and Bailey, but the Heaths in this conversation can feel very micromanaged. Like I had one cocktail, we agreed to one cocktail, and you saw it and you were already mad.
SPEAKER_03:Well, that's I think that's a little bit different because I think that that's in a sense if a couple has talked about it and that they've agreed to one cocktail, well, then I think that that's I that's a good conversation.
SPEAKER_01:I 100% agree. I'm just saying that it can that the heast of this of these conversations can also have this history of like it doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_00:Sure.
SPEAKER_01:You you are gonna be mad about it no matter what. And I think that that's worth bringing up too. Sure. Um but there do have to be some agreed to things so that we know how to have that conversation in. In real time so that it doesn't ruin.
SPEAKER_03:Right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:An evening, a day, a weekend, a week, a season.
SPEAKER_03:And and so kind of true to form, um, I I think what you might hear in what we're saying is every couple, and uh whether it's the holidays or not, should have conversations about their relationship with alcohol. How do we want alcohol to exist in our relationship? You do that with your finances, you do that with how you want to parent, you do that with what holidays and vacations you take. Like couples talk all the time about how they want to be impacted by different things in their life, but oftentimes couples have never considered how they talk about alcohol.
SPEAKER_01:I think it's really important too to say, like some of these things you talked about, you know, finances, um, parenting, uh, sex, you didn't actually say that, vacations, whatever. But uh, all these things that can have misuses.
SPEAKER_02:Right.
SPEAKER_01:Alcohol is no different. There can be a misuse, but that doesn't necessarily mean for every single person it is a misuse. Right. Yeah. Um, so it doesn't have to be such a hostile entry. Right. Let's talk about it.
SPEAKER_03:And so here's some questions that um every couple should have as they have this conversation about alcohol. And I'm just gonna list them off. First, do we drink or not? If we drink, what do we do about driving? How much are we comfortable with one another drinking? What kind of relationship do we want our kids seeing us having with alcohol? Do you know your family history when it comes to addiction? We mentioned this earlier. Why are we drinking? Do we like one another when we are drinking? I think these are very important key questions to understand. I will note one in particular. If you have a family history of addiction in your family line tree, either one of you um or your partner, that's a serious thing that you really need to consider.
SPEAKER_01:Okay, that's because it's a history.
SPEAKER_03:Because addiction is something that is um genetically related, and you need to be aware of the impact of what substance use can do if you have that genetic disposition. Now, that doesn't mean that someone with a genetic disposition will become addicted, but you you have to consider substances um in a really deep way, I would say.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, there is a weight to that. It's funny. If I would have had to highlight one when you said like there's one I would like to focus on, I'm like, yeah, that was me too. Okay, which one? That was not the one. I think that is really good. I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That one, that should have been right.
SPEAKER_03:That's my treatment center uh that's right impacting me.
SPEAKER_01:Um I guess that's right. And this is my mothering impacting me. What kind of relationship do we want our kids to see us have with alcohol? That feels like a question, again, back to your point, that we should have about all sorts of things, all the things. Anything that we can misuse, we should be having that thought about. Um, but this really matters. Um, I and I think especially I am a child of a dad who has battled, um, had an addiction. Um and it was it was hard. And I and I think that that that speaks. I think the reason that focuses on like, yeah, someone, I'm a little kid. See that, see how important it is, see how really out of control that can feel. Um, and see how that changes my entire childhood, certainly my adulthood, and definitely how I want us to interact around substances for sure. Um, my dad was addicted to opioids, not alcohol, because his dad was addicted to alcohol and he wouldn't touch it. Um, so he chose something else. Um, but I think I I laugh, it's not funny, but it it there's irony for me in that. Um, but I think that these things matter a lot. Our kids are impacted. They are learning all sorts of things. And I think that again, it and if what you want them to know is I can have some drinks and we have a conversation about it and we can have this healthy relationship with it, fantastic. I don't think there's one way this has to go. Right. I really don't. But I do think it needs to be intentional.
SPEAKER_03:Yes, it has to be uh discussed freely and openly among I think you want to have that kind of relationship with your partner anyway and with your kids where you're talking about these things. That's right. Um and and you're kind of creating an environment where that can happen. So um I think let those questions guide you and your partner as you have this specific conversation about alcohol. But also, you know, if you feel resistant to talking about alcohol with your partner, uh you need to ask yourself, how come? And I think that there's some things um that lead to resistance. Um, I think sometimes there's resistance because, you know, like Heath, he didn't want to feel restricted.
SPEAKER_01:Um if maybe I've I think Heath felt mischaracterized. Um and maybe there there's truth in the restriction thing. I have ADHD, we've talked about that, and boy, don't restrict me. I panic. So I mean maybe there's truth in that too. But uh to me, at least this particular you know, little bit made up scenario.
SPEAKER_03:Sure, it can be whatever we want it to be.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, but I did hear that more of him like don't say that I drink too much. Um I don't. I didn't.
SPEAKER_03:Don't um so that's uh sometimes there can be uh resistance because someone feels embarrassed about past experiences or um, you know, what what does happen when they drink. Uh there can be resistance um because someone kind of feels like, look, this is my best resource in these situations, and I don't really want that to be taken away. Uh I feel some resistance there. Um there can be some resistance just because you and your partner have a tough time talking about hard things. Um I think you need to evaluate what that resistance is. Ask yourself, how come? And then you might have to have a conversation about the conversation. Hey, why is this a tough conversation for us?
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, what do you think I'm saying?
SPEAKER_03:Right. Like, like, let's work through that so that you can get to the conversation. Sure. Um, but you know, like be reflective. Think about it a little bit. Um, what's what's going on so that again, always, we say this all the time, you said this at the um beginning, Aaron, so that you can actually choose what you want to do rather than just reacting um to different scenarios. So as the holidays come along, um, if you have found yourself having a conversation or wanting to have a conversation like Bailey and Heath, and it hasn't gone well, I think that these questions can be a great guide for you and your partner to make some choices about how you want to relate to alcohol during this holiday season. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents. And remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.