Couples Counseling For Parents
Couples Counseling For Parents
When One Partner Craves Space And The Other Craves Closeness
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What if your path to calm runs opposite to your partner’s—and both are valid? Are you a Self-soother or a Connection Seeker? Which path helps you feel regulated and calm? (Don't know...take this short quiz to find out https://couplescounselingforparents.mykajabi.com/forms/2149422422)
We dive into a familiar crossroads for parents: one of us needs quiet to settle, the other needs connection to breathe again. Instead of calling it incompatibility, we map the tension with the 30–70 principle, a simple way to see how emphasis—not character—keeps couples stuck. You’ll hear how a self-soother often points to the 30 percent of tangible efforts they make, while a connection seeker can’t look past the 70 percent of misses that still hurt. Once we name the patterns, the story changes from “you’re the problem” to “we have different calming codes.”
We bring this to life through Connor and Samar, a loving pair juggling work, kids, and a world that won’t slow down. Connor reaches for talk, touch, and presence to feel secure. Samar restores by pausing, thinking, and moving solo—often while carrying a heavy mental load that makes her effort invisible. We dig into why those differences flare under stress and how small shifts make a big difference. For connection seekers, the work is to let the good moments be good, receive care without minimizing it, and still ask for more. For self-soothers, the move is to hold your partner in mind with brief, reliable signals—text check-ins, five-minute touchpoints, and clear return times after a pause—so space doesn’t read as rejection.
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Welcome And Core Problem
SPEAKER_00Hello and welcome. This is Couples Counseling for Parents. A show about couple relationships, how they work, why they don't, what you can do to fix what's broken. Y'all, parents. Our dad, Dr. Stephen Mitchell, and our mom, Ann Mitchell.
SPEAKER_02Hello, and thanks for joining us today on Couples Counseling for Parents. I'm Dr. Stephen Mitchell. I'm Erin Mitchell. And we are happy to be here with you today. So we wanted to talk today about a conversation that we have frequently with parenting partners. And also a conversation we frequently have between ourselves, I guess, as a couple. But it kind of goes like this. Couple comes in and they say something to the effect of, you know what? We just need different things to feel close and calm in our relationship. And you know what? That maybe makes us think we're just incompatible.
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_02This didn't work it.
SPEAKER_01I think so often couples, not I think, so often couples come in and say what they want. Like at the end of the day, like they give every couple what they want. Most couples have some version of peace. We just want to feel peace. That calm words, that like, oh, we can take a deep breath. And things don't have to be perfect. The outside world can still be the outside world, which to be clear, it's February 2026. It is still on fire out there.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01But could we bring each other calm? Could we bring in instead it feels like, no, we continue to make each other worse. We we make each other feel ashamed for what we want. We feel like the other one gets to win. Your needs control mine, on and on.
Space Versus Connection Needs
Meet Connor And Samar
When Needs Collide Under Stress
SPEAKER_02Yep. Yep. And so, you know, I think that what that means when partners say, like, hey, we need different things. Oftentimes uh these different things are being categorized uh in this kind of language. One partner needs space and time to process on their own so that they can feel um calm and settled and regulated. And then they feel like they can connect with a partner. And then the other partner needs connection, uh, time uh together, whether that's physically or whether that's also just talking, processing out loud together with their partner to feel calm and connected. And if you notice, those are two different things. And partners go, well, what you need isn't what I need. And then they feel like, well, so for you to get what you need, I have to give up what I need. And that creates an issue. Yes. So what we want to do is we want to um help that not be an issue for you anymore today on this podcast. Um, so that's pretty exciting, right? Right? We're gonna solve the big problem. Um, but you know, let's let's check in with Connor and Samar. Now, Samar is in the thick of parenting life. She works full-time, has three kids, loves her family, and she loves Connor. Connor, her partner, is in the same boat. They have a busy life, an active life, a good life. And one of their main goals as a family is to be close, loving, and to have strong relationships with one another and others. Sounds pretty good, right? Sounds like that's kind of something I'd like too. Now, in the midst of the busyness of life, Connor and Samar get stressed. We could say, as you were saying, Aaron, in the midst of our world today uh is a uniquely uh stressful time. And in this stress, they look to one another to help them feel better, better being to feel calm, less stressed, connected, not alone. And when Connor and Samar feel this, that's part of how they feel loved. And you know, Connor in these moments, he wants to be physically close to Samar. He wants to hold hands, hug, take a walk, and talk about what he's thinking about and process it out loud. Um, he also may want to have more sex in these moments. And he wants to have the sense that Samar wants to be with him and be close. Now, Samar in these moments needs some space. She needs a quiet room without the kids asking questions or someone at work needing something. She wants to take a walk alone. She wants to sit and not think or talk. She wants to check in with herself and figure out what is going on. And this means she doesn't necessarily want to talk or be touched. Now, Connor and Samar know this about one another, but when they're stressed, they can get frustrated and hurt by what the other needs. Connor tries to, you know, quote unquote back off, but eventually he thinks I could wait forever and give Samar all the space in the world, and she would never come back to check in or pursue me. And this feeling creates a deep sense of loneliness, sadness, and anger for Connor. Samar feels pulled in a hundred different directions. She experiences her dynamic with Connor as I'm trying to meet everyone's needs. Connor's, the kids, my employer, and the list goes on and on. There is never space for me, and everyone seems unhappy with me because I'm not giving them exactly what they need. This leaves Samar feeling defeated, angry, alone, and overwhelmed. So, what should Connor and Samar do? Are they destined to just be unhappy and hurt one another?
SPEAKER_01I feel like this is a good moment for a deep breath. And deep breath. Some self-reflection, because I think that that is a very, very good case study, Steven.
SPEAKER_02Thank you.
SPEAKER_01I know you created that. It is not based on anybody, but my goodness, if it isn't based on everybody.
SPEAKER_00That's right.
SPEAKER_01Us included. I and I think it that feels really heavy because of that. It feels like, yeah. Like I literally am finding myself like, yes, I've I feel that in my body. The the sort of the defeat of that, like, oh, like these people really like each other. Yeah. They they even love each other and want to feel liked and loved. And it feels like, can we? And and the reality of this couple too is it stacks up.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because you said this. They know this about each other. They know this. And it's like, okay, I can accept that. I can accept it. But how long do we have to like we have to accept this forever? Like, I just have to, but I forget how you said that Connor says. Like he's just like, I'll back off. Okay. Yeah, I got it. I got it. And then Samar's like, it's fine. I'll just take, it's fine. I'll meet. I'll meet. I'll meet your needs. I'll meet your needs. I'll meet your needs.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Like, really? Like, oh, it's heavy. So I think um, you know, like this is one of those those things. Like, do you trend more towards feeling like, you know, more like Connor is describing or like Samar is describing? And I I will be honest, I feel a decent amount of both, personally.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you can feel both, of of course.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, no, no. I I don't, I'm not, I'm not trying to say either or, but like, oh, but what specifically? What stands out to you? Yes. And like which, and if it is more like me, where it is like, am I both? Um, how so? Which places, what what are these feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger, um, defeat, and overwhelm for you?
The Weight Of Mental Load
Introducing The 30–70 Principle
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so uh the question being, um, what is going on here? Um, and uh Aaron and I, we we've actually been kicking around this idea, so we're testing it out on you. Um, we were having a conversation over the weekend, and we feel like what is going on here is something that we referred to as the 3070 principle. Um and this is this is what I mean by that. So I I'll be honest, I'd probably identify with Samar um a bit more in terms of how I like to connect with myself and connect with other people. I need some, you know, away kind of reflection, um, calming, and then I can kind of come back. Um and I I think what happens uh for someone who's a Samar in a relationship with someone like Connor is the frustrating part is Samar has that kind of running dialogue that says, no matter what I do, it's never gonna be enough. I can't meet everyone's needs. And what ends up happening is this experience where Samar might, and I'll just say like I do this with Aaron, where if Aaron's like, hey, I feel like you've been kind of disengaged, withdrawn, because that's kind of how this type of calming pattern can uh be experienced by a partner. What I generally go to is, yeah, but maybe you felt it there, but look, here's here's the other times when that has not been true. And what that can feel like is me saying to Aaron, hey, tell you what, I know that maybe I've been withdrawn, but what I need you to do is accept the 30% um of the time where I haven't been withdrawn or disconnected, where where I have been kind of quote unquote meeting the needs, doing um what uh feels good or connective to you. Don't talk to me about the 70%. I need you to just accept the 30%.
SPEAKER_01Um and I think can can I um I think what is extra tricky for Samar and Steven here is that that other 70%, it is not like they are Samar's not like off like you in your example, and I get that maybe sometimes like she's taking a walk alone or she's you know th deep in reflection.
SPEAKER_02I would also like to note that there is a little bit of a difference because I'm not carrying the mental load.
SPEAKER_01That's correct.
SPEAKER_02Samar, Samar is like this is her a regulation style, plus Samar has a mental load.
SPEAKER_01But I think that that other 70%, even for you, is actively doing stuff our family needs. Sure. You know, I that part of how this came up this weekend is we are in the process of moving um states, like we are moving far away. And Steven is packing our house essentially by himself. Now, do our kids and I help? Yes. Is that really helpful? Probably not, let's be honest. But it's not like the 70% is like, I'm having me time. Yeah, I'm I'm just deep, I'm journaling and watching birds and like you know, sitting at the ocean.
SPEAKER_02I love watching birds.
SPEAKER_01I don't know where that it feels like a very peaceful, solitary thing. Um people do it. I you might I could see you getting in.
SPEAKER_02If you're a bird watcher, that's great. I'm they're called birders. Okay, sorry.
SPEAKER_01Um, but my point is this it's I think what is extra hurtful to the Samars in here is this 70%. You aren't feeling my engagement. I'm doing stuff for our family.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So that's yeah, yeah, yeah.
Scraps, Misses, And Emphasis
SPEAKER_02But but so so I think that there's this what what and then what happens in this place for Samar. It's like I I mean, honestly, there's there's something reasonable in all of these things. Like, that's a reasonable way for a Samar to feel. Like, hey, it's not like the 70%, like I'm also working really hard, and you're feeling connected to me 30% of the time. Just accept the 30%. Like, I yeah, okay, we can understand how that um happens. But then what happens for Connor is he feels like he can't have needs in that. He feels like what Samar says, look, you just got to accept the way this is. Where for Connor, okay, so what he's feeling is like, okay, so 70% of the time I have to feel kind of ignored, ignored and and just focus on this 30% and be like, okay, I'm good with that. Well, that doesn't feel good for Connor at all. And and I think Samar has to recognize that. Both of these partners are focusing on a different percentage uh in this. The um and we kind of we refer to these patterns. So um Samar might have more of a self self-soothing pattern to regulate, to process. And Connor has more of a connection seeking pattern in terms of processing, calming. And so that self-soother focuses on the 30% and says, I need you to just accept that.
SPEAKER_01And I think what happens here is because I think everything you're saying, I think is right, but I think it's maybe a little harsh sounding because I think that Samar wouldn't say, I need you to ignore that 70%. Sure, sure. We're just trying to cut to the chase. Yeah, but I think Samar says, like, you're come you are making it seem like all I do is busy work and do stuff and ignore you completely. But I feel like you are completely ignoring the 30%. I am in very, very, very um intentionally trying to not do that thing because I know this is our pattern. Right. And I think that the Connors are like, we we choose our emphasis, right? And I think the Connors like, stop making that 30% that to me feels like scraps, feel like I should re I'm like 100%. I'm just giving out both stars now. Oh, thank you so much because you're right. You did do that one thing. And so we minimize, we being me and Connor, we can minimize that 30% and say it doesn't count. Like it's it's not enough. So it it's nothing.
SPEAKER_02It's zero.
SPEAKER_01And the only thing that matters are the misses. And the Samars are like, the I'm going to discount the 70%. I think it's just like a we we over-emphasize the hurt place and we minimize our partner's hurt place.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I love that. Like in this 3070 principle, the it is a matter of emphasis.
SPEAKER_01Yes, I think that's right.
SPEAKER_02Um, and and so I in your relationship, well, where where do you land? What do you find that you are emphasizing in this 3070 um principle? Um, also curious, what do you think about our 3070 principle? Um I think, you know, I think it's a a useful way of describing this, but I'd love to hear if you think it is or not. Um, so you can, you know, I don't know, DM us or uh send us send us an email, you know, info at couples counseling for parents.com if you want to email us.
SPEAKER_01I do think the because the numbers actually aren't the entire point, but the idea of having a visual in your brain of saying, like, I'm not trying to say it's zero one hundred percent, but I think that we are trying to the emphasis again.
SPEAKER_02Um so so what do you do about this? Well, I I think that uh first of all you have to understand your pattern. Are you a self-soother?
SPEAKER_01Trend towards because again, I'm if you made me right now say, I'd be like, I'm both.
Self-Soother And Connection Seeker Patterns
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But if you we put that little nuance a a self-soother or a connection seeker, um, you need to understand your pattern, you need to understand your partners. Um, that would be really useful information to know. Um and then practically, um, what are uh this isn't the only thing, but these are you know two ideas um that you could think about in terms of okay, how do we address this? Um I I think you need to, as partners, be able to sit down and try and define some actions that counter this process. Um, and so for example, I I think that for the um connection seeker experiencing maybe a self-soother, um and it's to what Aaron's was saying, um, you don't have to say that the 30% is enough. You're allowed to say, like, hey, I I want more, I'm I'm missing, I'm missing you. I uh you know, can can we um can we connect more? So you don't have to say the 30% is enough, but but also to Aaron's point, you don't need to say that the 30% is nothing.
SPEAKER_01That's right.
SPEAKER_02And I think that this is a matter of focus then for that connection seeker to think through like, okay, rather than focusing on the 70%, that's not happening. I'm gonna focus on the moments and the ways that I do experience my partner connecting with me in a way that that matters and and connects with me. And I think what you might be surprised is that it's even more than 30% of the time. And if that focus and if that effort is given to emphasizing what your partner is doing, where you are feeling connected with them, that is something that speaks to your self-soother partner. Um, that is something that says, Hey, I accept what you are offering. Um, I I receive it, which I think is a big, big, big deal for the Samars in the world.
What The Connection Seeker Can Do
SPEAKER_01Yes. Um, and by you think research supports that that goes a long way for both sets of brains. And if you have, and I, you know, I do this a lot. Um think about this from a parenting perspective. How much more motivation and momentum we get with our kids when we focus on and acknowledge continuously and routinely what we like about what they're doing. When we when we notice, like, hey, bud, I saw you made your bed, or you took your dishes to the sink. Thank you so much. That's you know, really helpful. Whatever. It we they they are bolstered by that rather than ignoring that three times this week and focusing on the majority of the time this week when they did not make their bed without you having to ask, or they did not bring their plates. Whatever, you know, these are silly examples. But the point is it helps research supports over and over and over and over and over and over again. It doesn't just change our filter, but it does, it also changes behavior.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it manifests that energy.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_02Um, so so the idea here is let the good moments be good without catastrophizing about how things will be awful eventually. Because I think that that um connection seeker, one of the reasons it's hard to accept those good moments is because they can imagine like this will go away.
SPEAKER_01Or and it's not just because they have excellent imaginations, it's because they have a history that supports that.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. So that so that's the that's the work for the connection seeker. And that that's that's hard. It is hard. It's not not saying it's easy, um, but that's something to think about if you fall into that category. I think for the self-soother for the um Samars in the world, uh, a practical thing that you can do is think about um this concept of hold your partner in your mind. Um, what can you do each day to tell your partner, I am considering you, I'm delighted by you, I want to know you. And this takes effort because a self-soother by nature is forgetful, is dismissive, uh dismissive, uh, simplifies life by ignoring things. Now that's not a criticism of that self-soother, that is a process of their attachment experience and their nervous system development um over time, but not paying attention is a strategy to help soothe and calm. And so for the Samars to, I mean, because on some level, maybe another way of saying what Connor wants in that is like, will you let me know that I'm important, that you're paying attention to what's important to me, that you're considering me. And so the effort there for Samar would be to remember to hold her partner in mind.
SPEAKER_01So that's a this is tricky, right? Because um Samar, gosh, I like Samar.
SPEAKER_02She's like really Again, there there is some nuance here due to the mental load, I will say.
What The Self-Soother Can Do
SPEAKER_01Correct, yes, because in you mean like different from you. Yes, because Samar's like she's like, Samar and Stephen are not the same. In between scheduling doctors' appointments, making sure all the kids have Their new soccer cleats, which today I called them that, and I have been informed for the 40 millionth time they're boots. I sound silly to call them cleats. Um, but so your kids are needing new boots for their soccer season that is upcoming, you know, like all these things, like, oh yeah, that's right. Okay, got it. Yes, thinking, sizes, oh, I don't remember. I can't order, we must go. These things, like, when am I gonna do that? You want me to you want me to consider you? That's what you're asking for, Connor. And and that's a that's tough. But on the other hand, in these in the softer moments, I'm thinking about you all the time.
SPEAKER_02I think Samar's And so it's communicating that in a way that Connor hears.
SPEAKER_01And a way that doesn't add to Samar. Where it's just like, well, yeah, of course I'm thinking about you. And of course I think of you, and of course I'm always considering you. So I think it's just a matter of um, again, focus and emphasis of sometimes it's just saying that out loud. Sometimes it's pointing out, like, well, this, I thought this when I did this thing, it it's how is that not landing for you? I was thinking about you're right. And so I think um it can't it can't feel like this thing that now Connor needs a gold star and he needs to be patted on the back and treated like a kid for meeting his needs met.
SPEAKER_02That that That's not what we're talking about.
SPEAKER_01No, that is a terrible dynamic and perpetuates the absolute thing we are trying to get out of here. But it is being able to be vulnerable and asking that both of our needs be met, that both of us be acknowledged and validated in our um core, like our core places of what feels soothing and regulating to us.
Turning Insights Into Repeatable Actions
SPEAKER_02So so what we would encourage you to do is um sit down uh together um as partners and and think through what actions might communicate connection for you according to um your you know self-soother or connection seeker. And um, you know, a way to do that is what's felt good to you in your relationship this week? Um what about what felt good to you reflects the care you want? And then how can you make this a repeatable action? Um and think through that so that you can have some categories of like, hey, this this connects with me. This is this is kind of meeting that self-soother need, this is meeting that connection seeker need. Think about that. And then also it's like, okay, well, how do we know if we're a self-soother or a connection seeker? Well, maybe by the descriptions we've given here, that that is useful. But we also have a couple communication quiz. I'll I'll put that quiz in the um, what is that, the description of the podcast that helps you and your partner go through a process of of kind of assessing this and uh having some self-reflection and finding out. It takes like three to five minutes to um take the quiz, but it offers some really, really, really good description and um categorization of what a self-soother is and what a connection seeker is that I think will be really, really useful in helping you identify where do I fall uh in terms of how we communicate and what we need. So I would uh strongly encourage you to um take that quiz. I think it could be really useful.
SPEAKER_01Um here's the other thing. I think that the other reason it's really useful is because to be honest, as a more Connor-trending person, I think of um, especially in stress when I see Steven doing a bunch of stuff rather than just like, if you would just ask me, invite me, let me be with you, we could do this together. But it looks selfish, it looks self-centered, it looks um it doesn't look good. And I think seeing these descriptions, I'm like, oh, I remember. I remember you. I remember how this came to be for you. I and I can see it in a in a way that is productive and not so perse well, it's all personal, but not um not personally offensive, or not like some like you're doing this to me. Like, oh, we are doing one, we are doing this to each other, but also we are doing this for ourselves. We are doing this for a really important reason.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, so take the quiz. I think it'll be a really useful um educational quiz.
SPEAKER_01I didn't do it, Steven did it for you.
Take The Communication Quiz
SPEAKER_02Um, but also it will be a great um learning tool for you to learn about your partner. Yeah, agree. Um and a great conversation starter uh for you both. So um check it out. It'll be in the description here um for this podcast. And um, thanks a lot for being with us today. Today's show was produced by Aaron and Stephen Mitchell. If you're enjoying the podcast, please hit the follow button and leave us a rating. This helps our content become more visible to others who might enjoy it, and it lets us know how we can keep improving the show. And as always, we're grateful for you listening. Thanks so much for being with us here today on Couples Counseling for Parents. And remember, working on a healthy couple relationship is good parenting.