When you Realize you Can't "Save" Others & How to use your Emotional Reactions to Heal

Have you ever found yourself wishing someone else would change, only to realize the real work needs to happen within yourself? Join me as I share my transformative journey through spiritual healing, which brought to light some powerful truths about personal growth and self-improvement. From an emotionally charged argument with a family member to understanding how our interactions often reflect unresolved issues, this episode is a candid exploration of how our deepest fears and traumas influence our relationships and behavior.

Resources mentioned in the episode:

FREE anxiety clearing here.
Join the Unveiled membership for $49 here. 
Email Danielle here: danielle@fitandflow.com

Transcript

Shifting Internal Control for Self-Improvement

Speaker 1 0:00

Hello , hello , oh , I'm so excited to be back . I've been really . I was feeling very sick for the last week . I went on a very deep spiritual healing journey and I was in deep detox mode , so my voice would not have sounded very pleasant , and I'm glad I'm feeling better because tomorrow I have a really exciting guest coming on the show Allie Ninfo . She is a she's an intuitive , a medium . She's my intuition coach . There's so many questions I have for her , but we'll probably only get like a quarter of them done , so today I wanted to do just a short episode on something that's happening for me and I felt like this could be really useful for others .

Speaker 1 0:46

So what I realized is that sometimes we have a desire for someone to change right , and this has happened in numerous relationships for me . Where I fall in love with someone's potential I can see like their heart , and then I like put so much energy into trying to change them , where you know , looking back and like gosh , why did I expend so much energy on them , where I could have been furthering myself Right , and I I also do this with a family member of mine where I get so mad because I really want her to be like I can see her potential . I can see that she has zero self-worth . Her self-image is , like you know , in the trash . And so what I realized last night ? I actually got into an argument with this family member and I knew that she was under the influence , which is never a good time to have conversations with someone . I even grounded myself before going into the conversation . I went into the conversation like light and happy , and then she said something to me that just snapped , and something snapped within me and I just felt like I was possessed and just started yelling , which isn't me anymore . I mean , I've never really been someone who gets angry , but I've had a lot more emotional mastery in the last several years . And so I reflected on that a lot over the last 12 hours and I realized that sometimes our desires for someone else to change isn't entirely selfless . Like I kept thinking I want her to change so that she can live a better life , so that she can be happy , but then I realized there were also childhood traumas within me that felt like if she changed , I would feel safer , right , and so then it becomes not entirely selfless , and not that that's bad , it's just something that I'm reflecting on , and this is just kind of . This isn't a scripted episode , it's just my thoughts and I hope this will reach someone who's been struggling in the same way and maybe it will help you shift some things .

Speaker 1 3:08

So in childhood , one of my parents was very much a fear-based parent and I saw a quote on Instagram by the holistic psychologist that like nailed it . It was all about what happens when one of your parents is fear-based . You know , know , has like fear-based parenting tactics , which means like to me that means making you scared of things externally . So like I'm surprised I even left my hometown because of how much fear and how much danger she made . Like it was almost like that show Tangled right . I don't know if you've seen that , but it's where the mother locks Rapunzel up in the tower and tells her it's like dangerous to leave the tower and like all these bad things will happen . That's very much the construct of child , of like things , in my childhood and I know she was doing it because she wanted to protect me . It wasn't , she wasn't doing it from an evil place like in the movie , but when I would venture out into something she might think is dangerous , like even driving in the rain and sorry , my voice is still not all the way back to normal yet . So , even so , when I would do something that she would view as dangerous , she would then resort to threats , not like hurting me physically , but just like , if you do that , I'm not going to do this for you or I'm going to take that away from you . So I , because I'm a very adventurous like person and I know my soul was put here to learn and to struggle as I did for so many years to be able to help others Right , so of I'm going to be making all these mistakes and quotes that she sees are very dangerous . And so I grew up always feeling like this pit in my stomach , like I was going to get in trouble . That carried on into adulthood and just yesterday I noticed it . In this particular situation , there was I won't get into all the details , but there was just like an issue , and I kept telling her like I will take care of it , don't worry , I will take care of it .

Speaker 1 5:12

I've been saying that for a while , and when people are under the influence , they're not thinking clearly right , but also they actually invite in dark energies , which is a whole different topic . I haven't even touched on on my podcast , but if you keep listening , you're definitely going to hear more about all that witchy vibe stuff . I just haven't really shared a lot about it , but it's very real . So I went into this conversation , I was grounded and then I lost it and I said a couple of mean things that I shouldn't have said . But I left the room and this is what I do is I know that everybody is a reflection and so I got to the root of what made me an energetic match for that , because the underlying message and this would be really helpful for you if you're ever in a situation where you feel like you're being treated unfairly , you might feel like you're getting in trouble , even though you're an adult .

Speaker 1 6:08

Look at the underlying message that they're saying to you . So for me it was you're not doing enough fast enough . And I was like , oh , where am I doing that to myself ? Because everybody is a reflection . So that wouldn't have happened to me if I didn't already have that in what's called our creator field , which holds , like our beliefs , our thoughts , everything , and that's what creates matter and our physical reality , which tune into Ellie's interview . She'll go into this a lot more . So I realized in my business . I was doing that to myself specifically around social media writing . I have a couple of books I'm working on and I've been struggling with , like my social media strategy , all of that .

Speaker 1 6:56

And after she did that I was like , oh , that's what I've been doing to myself . And so the point is I'm going to shift that within myself and then that will shift externally , but it always starts internally . So I tried at first to justify my behavior , meaning , you know , losing it kind of as well . I just want better for her . And you know why do I still have this savior complex where I just want to save people ? And then I started asking myself do I want to save them for them or do I want to save them for me ? And obviously it's a mix of both , Because of course I want better for the people I love and care about . I want better for everybody . I mean even people who I have conflict with . The world is always better if people are better , right . So I want better for everyone , because if they're doing better , then the world is going to be doing better . And so of course I want better for , you know , especially the people I love .

Speaker 1 7:58

But I realized by me trying to force her or anybody to improve upon their life . It also comes back to me trying to control my environment , the external environment , so that I feel safe , because if they're doing better then I won't feel like I'm in trouble , right , and so I had to . Just really , I mean , this is all about radical responsibility and noticing like your own shit , basically . So I was just like , okay , so part of me , yes , wants her to get better for her , but then also it's stemming from childhood trauma of wanting to control the environment , which I also had to do in relationships where , instead of just leaving an unhealthy relationship , I would put all my energy into trying to save them , to help them . I'd walk on eggshells .

Speaker 1 8:52

I do everything , but you know , look internally and shift internally , because if we shift internally then we'll stop attracting that . So it all starts with , like our self image . And so if this is the type of you know , home you grew up in , or you had a parent who used these kind of like fear , fear based tactics , which is like don't do that or this will happen , or you know , if you do that , I'm going to take this away , that's all like very fear based , very ego based . But if you grew up with that , then it's just going to take a little time to start shifting things internally . But then you will see a huge shift in your external and who you call in , who shows up in your life . People might even change overnight and it's not about them , it's about you shifting internally and you're no longer an energetic match for that kind of behavior response . So here's your homework . They're just a mess and they're attacking you either emotionally , verbally hopefully not physically .

Healing and Self-Discovery Through RRT

Speaker 1 10:10

But I've had that where at different times in my life I was beating myself up so badly . You know , I got into UC Santa Barbara . I moved down there . I found out I was pregnant . Barbara , I moved down there . I found out I was pregnant . I still moved down there , but then I was easily swayed to move back and obviously this all happened for a reason . But at the time I was really beating myself up and guess what ? I started getting beat up physically by my partner at that time and almost died . But now he's someone who I can see and like I can recall those memories but I don't have any emotional response to them and that's because of all the work I've done internally and the RRT , because there were a couple of specific memories that did create fear in me because my unconscious mind still thought they were happening . Create fear in me because my unconscious mind still thought they were happening . So it is important to address it , to get those memories cleared , which just means updating unconscious mind that it's not happening now Didn't just happen , it's not about to happen , right . So that's what we do in RRT .

Speaker 1 11:17

I also turned to my coach , danielle , who's an emotion code coach , and they're both very complimentary modalities because , rrt , you can like come to me or someone else and say here's what I've been experiencing lately that's been causing discomfort , and we'll address that and clear it . And then , with emotion code , I can go to Danielle and just say I don't know what's , I don't know what the underlying issue is , here's what I'm experiencing . Then she taps into my subconscious mind and finds all these beliefs or emotions that are stored in my body and releases them . So they are very powerful together . And if you want a free session with Danielle , I'll drop her email in the podcast and then just mention my name when you book with her . Or if you're in my programs , you get a free session and then you get an ongoing discount with her . So anyway , back to your homework .

Speaker 1 12:14

Just think about the person in your life who is creating some emotional disturbance and just notice what the underlying message is . Is it what I discovered ? Is it you're not doing enough fast enough ? That was basically what the underlying issue was here . Sometimes it can be if someone is just like gosh , I just give and give and give . I'm such a good person , I always put everybody before myself Then that's how people are going to treat you , and so we were taught that's a good thing to put everybody first . No , were taught that's a good thing to put everybody first . No , no , no , you need to put yourself first . You might think that sounds selfish . It's not . As a parent , I have to put myself first , because if I don't , then I'm not as patient I'm not , as you know , in the moment . So it is crucial that you're putting yourself first , and so if you've been someone who's putting everybody else first , that's something to start shifting . So just notice what someone might be saying or doing to you , or if someone's not valuing you .

Speaker 1 13:16

This is an interesting one , and I'll give a quick example . So there was someone recently who I felt like wasn't valuing me , and so I asked myself where am I not valuing myself ? Where am I not making myself a priority ? Because there's eight different areas of life where this could be happening . It could be family , it could be work , it could be money , it could be health . There's eight different areas and so usually it's in a different area . So this one was a personal relationship . So I was like , okay , where am I not valuing myself ? Where am I not putting myself first and making myself a priority ? It was with health , like working out . I had let that just fall away , and so then that's getting to the emotional root cause , right . So then I realized that I can change that and then this person started valuing me , and so it's never about other people , it's always about ourselves . That is key to remember , and so this can even translate into our kids .

Speaker 1 14:16

If your kids are throwing a tantrum , if they're punching you , kicking you , like what happened to me a couple of weeks ago with my son , that's also a sign like , okay , where am I beating myself up ? Usually it comes down to these things Like , where am I not valuing myself ? Where am I not , where am I beating myself up ? But just getting to like the underlying message and this takes . It's like building a muscle , because it took me a while and even with the situation last night it wasn't immediately clear to me because I was still in my emotions I let it just kind of like simmer a little bit and I did some healing on myself , energy clearing , and then this morning it just like came through .

Speaker 1 14:58

I was like , oh , here's the message . You're not doing enough , fast enough , got it ? So then I need to shift that within myself , and the way I do that is I prove to myself how I am doing enough , and it doesn't have to be fast , right . So a good way to do this is just by , like , every time you check your phone , reinforce what you're wanting , to create a new neural pathway for . So , like every time I look at my phone , I might say oh well , I am doing enough , because you know look , I'm recording a podcast that's you know . That's a huge step in business that a lot of people struggle with .

Speaker 1 15:37

So just proving to yourself , because I read somewhere that for every negative thought , we need like 10 positive ones to balance it , because we have something called negativity bias . So it's really important to start rewiring and reminding yourself like , no , that's actually not true , but also being grateful . I'm grateful , even though it wasn't fun last night , it wasn't pleasant , I was crying , it was emotional , but I'm like okay , I'm grateful for this because it's showing me something that I need to shift right , because if you keep ignoring it , then it can manifest as something more serious , like a health issue , and if it's something that you're just like , well , I don't even know how to like start with this . Join my membership , because it's only $49 a month . Right now . I really need to increase the price , which I'm going to do soon , because I'm going to do a whole new relaunch . I just renamed it . It's called Unveiled . It was the unconventional CEO , the club , and now it's going to be called Unveiled because I'm actually going to start sharing in there , not just RRT , but also a lot of energetic work , and so right now , though , it's $49 a month .

Speaker 1 16:43

You get an RRT audio clearing every month on a different topic , and you can put in requests for topics , and then you also get a live call with me once a month , so everyone can show up , people can ask questions . It can be like coaching , or it can just be q&a , whatever it is you're needing , or you can come and say here's what's happening . Can you help me figure out what might be happening . So it's definitely a great way to start , you know , on this journey if you're needing help and you can cancel at any time . I will say , though , I'm keeping it $49 right now as well , because it's all on hello audio , which is a podcast app , and then I'm moving it all to either circle or some kind of layout like that . So while I'm doing that transition , it'll stay on hello audio , because people like listening to the clearings on their phone . But then for the video component , I do want a place for it to all live . So I am going to keep it at $49 until that transition is complete and then I'm going to bump it up . Not quite sure yet , but you know , just to give you an idea , a one-on-one RRT session with me is $199 . So you're getting an RRT session every month plus a live call with me . So it's like it's probably worth like $400 a month and you're getting it for $49 . So that's somewhere you can start .

Speaker 1 18:07

And then one last thing I did create a free anxiety audio for people . It's only nine minutes and it gives you a perspective shift on anxiety , and this was like huge for me . It's based in RRT and it was actually something I did during the last membership Q&A . I just did this like riff on anxiety from an RRT perspective , so it's free , I'll link it below in the show notes .

Speaker 1 18:33

So my mission is to just help people really start going internally and shifting things from there , because I tried for so long to shift everything externally , to try to control the people around me , to control my environment , to control everything externally when it's within us , and now that I took it took me decades to understand that . Now I want to help people fast track that in their own lives because when you , when you're able to do that , you shift and it helps shift your children , if you have children , it helps . You know , the more people that know this , their frequency will raise up , the world will get better . It's just like it's a domino effect of positivity . So that is my mission and this podcast might actually get the name , might change to Unveiled as well just because I'm feeling that pull . So that's why you don't hear me saying anything in the introduction about the unconventional CEO the name because I do love that pull .

Speaker 1 19:37

So that's why you don't hear me saying anything in the introduction about the unconventional CEO the name because I do love that name , but I'm just not feeling super aligned with it anymore because I really want it to be like unveiling you , unveiling your magic , unveiling your powers , and I'm going to really start getting into all of that . So so , yeah , that's pretty exciting , but I hope this was helpful . Definitely , let me know how it goes for you If it's , you know , difficult to find the underlying message , like any aha moments , because I mean , I honestly had that aha moment this morning and everything just kind of clicked . But I would love to hear from you if this was helpful and if you'd like to hear more episodes like this , you can just like DM me on Instagram , angela Marie Christian , or you can send me an email , angela , at Angela Marie Christiancom , sending you all love . Make sure you tune in for next week's episode with Ali Ninfo and have a wonderful week .