How to reinforce the behavior you want to see in your child?
How to build internal motivation? How to wisely use the reward system?
How and when to praise your child? How to handle sibling fights?
This episode is part B of the conversation with Mariko Fairly, a certified behavior analyst with over 20 years of experience. In this episode, Mariko shared her perspective and tips for all those questions wherein in part A she explains why kids misbehave (If you haven’t listened yet- here is the episode’s link: Why Do Kids "Misbehave"? )
For more of Mariko Fairly's content: Website; Instagram; Email.
Tune In to:
Please share a takeaway with your friends and leave a review, this will help to reach more parents!
And remember to treat yourself and your kids with compassion and curiosity :-)
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How to reinforce the behavior you want to see in your child?
How to build internal motivation? How to wisely use the reward system?
How and when to praise your child? How to handle sibling fights?
This episode is part B of the conversation with Mariko Fairly, a certified behavior analyst with over 20 years of experience. In this episode, Mariko shared her perspective and tips for all those questions wherein in part A she explains why kids misbehave (If you haven’t listened yet- here is the episode’s link: Why Do Kids "Misbehave"? )
For more of Mariko Fairly's content: Website; Instagram; Email.
Tune In to:
Please share a takeaway with your friends and leave a review, this will help to reach more parents!
And remember to treat yourself and your kids with compassion and curiosity :-)
New offer!
Free Parent Talk around Healthy Boundaries.
As a certified parent coach, I can help you own your parenting style!
Want to connect?
Join the Bonding Boost Newsletter (We'll keep it short & sweet)!
So the whole applied behavioral analysis is based on reinforcement system. How does it look like the re enforcement system in sessions? Or if you can give some specific tips of how to make a beneficial reinforcement system in the house.
Mariko:Okay. Yeah. So I think the cool thing again, about a behavior analysis and reinforcement specifically is it's happening all around us all the time, and we don't even know it. So every interaction that you're having, like you and I having this conversation right now, you're asking me a question I'm responding. And you were saying something back to me, that's reinforced. My response. Right. And that's, what's allowing us to have this back and forth conversation. So, I gave the example of a paycheck, right. Going to work and getting a paycheck is reinforcing your going to work behavior. It's reinforcing you getting up every morning, , driving to work, putting in your eight hours and, you know, working really hard. same thing, like if you let's say you, had a new shirt and you wore your new shirt to work and you got a lot of compliments on it, and that led to you wearing that shirt more often. those compliments are reinforcing your wearing a new shirt behavior. Reinforcement just means that a behavior is going to increase in the future. So reinforcement is a consequence that leads to a behavior happening again. That's so whenever you hear the word reinforcement, that's really what it means. Something is going to happen again. And so when our kids are doing something, this is why I say pay attention to the behaviors that you want to see. Because for most kids, our attention is very reinforcing. So whatever we pay attention to, they're going to keep doing. And so, if a child is. Doing something that we don't really want to see. And that's the only thing we're commenting on, even if we're trying to correct their behavior, the reality is we're giving them a lot of attention. And so we need to shift that and start paying attention to the appropriate version of that behavior., if your child asks for something , in an appropriate voice, they're not whining, that's the time to give it to them because giving it to them for asking nicely is going to increase or reinforce that nice asking if they start whining and you say, oh, you're fine. Just have it. Guess what? You just reinforced or increase that whining behavior. So that the next time they want something they know they can get up by. Right. So, in every situation there are sort of two options. There's like the behavior that you want to see and that behavior that you don't want to see. So give them what they want for the appropriate behavior. And that's what you'll keep seeing.
Tammy:I like how you say it, that if someone wants to get something or even the tension, just simply the attention, if he gets the positive feedback or the negative feedback, like you did such a great job or you missed the behave. He's still getting that tension. So if we want to reinforce their right, attention, then we need to put more effort and commenting and praise. That positive behavior and this way, what will reinforce in the future? The thing that we want to see
Mariko:Yes, absolutely. And I think what's important to remember about, so we were talking about the four reasons why behaviors happen. So they want something are, if they want something and you know, your child comes up to you and says, mommy, I want a cookie. And they ask really nicely. What they want in that moment is the cookie, right? So giving them the cookie is what's going to reinforce the nice asking. Does that make sense? They it's the thing that they want, mommy, I want to play with. Play-Doh giving them the Play-Doh is going to reinforce the nice asking for Plato, us saying to them. Nice asking things for asking. That's not, what's going to reinforce the nice asking. It's giving them what they want in that moment. So I think it's important to understand the distinction between verbal praise and like the tangible item that they want when they're communicating with us. Something you said triggered this in me. I really want to talk about, reinforcement and praise because I feel like a lot of parents. And there are, , there's a lot out there on social media and they talk about sort of the inauthenticity of praise. And what I would say to that is praise doesn't have to feel inauthentic, right? It doesn't have to be forced. It doesn't have to be anything other than a simple acknowledgement of a behavior. Right. So we don't have to say good job, good job, . That's not actually super helpful because it's not very descriptive. So we can be a little bit more. specific in our praise. And it can just be a simple description of what you're seeing. Wow. I noticed you shared your toy with your sister and she smiled. You're not putting anything of your own like expectation or pride in that you're simply pointing out exactly what you saw and that's going to help your child make a connection. A lot of people might just say like a child shared with their sibling. Good job. Good job sharing. Okay. Like, yeah. That's, that's true. Yes, they are sharing. And yes, we want to point that out to them. But maybe that brings in sort of this external feedback, whereas we want to teach them to be intrinsically motivated to share. And so if we just make the acknowledgement, Hey, I noticed this and this is how your sister felt about it. How did that make you feel when you shared your toy and you saw how happy she was? That's how, we build the internal or intrinsic motivation to do these behaviors.
Tammy:I like how, you said that sometimes we don't need to praise them because they actually got the cookie, they want it. So we need to say nothing just to give them the cookie and say enjoy it.
Mariko:where are you? Go?
Tammy:Yeah., I like it. We don't have to praise for every single thing, but just think about the natural consequences and understand this is the best reinforcement and that would bring them their inner motivation to keep on
Mariko:yes,
Tammy:They got.
Mariko:exactly what you said. If somebody is already motivated to do something, they don't need us to kind of jump on the bandwagon and comment and compliment and all of that stuff, right? Our praise should be reserved and our reinforcement should be reserved for things that are more challenging for them, for behaviors. That don't happen very often that we are trying to increase in the future. So every once in a while sure. Of course praise and acknowledge the things, you know, and, oh my goodness. That was so impressive. I'll use that word with my kids a lot. Like, I'm so impressed by you. I'm not putting like my own thing on them. It's like they did it. on their own and They already feel good about that., just embrace that. That's amazing. They're building their own confidence and they don't need me to kind of jump in on top of that.
Tammy:so I wonder to ask you your opinion about something. we used a lot that reward system, their table.
Mariko:chart. Sorry.
Tammy:Yeah. That whenever they do their routine morning smoothly, they get the star. And I want to ask, first of all, , if you like that kind of thing, and also let's say there is a difference between me putting the sticker for them, or they put the sticker themselves.
Mariko:Great question.
Tammy:Do you think it does any change? Would you consider those two actions differently? Meaning when I'm putting it, I'm giving the reward and this is kind of external feedback, and if they put it to themselves, do you consider that to be an internal fear?
Mariko:Yeah. I love this question. so I would say, first of all, I don't have a problem with using visual. With kids, especially because look, listen, we use them ourselves. Don't we, , you have a long to-do list. My guess is you're writing it out. And then when you finish your task, you're crossing it off. Guess what? That act of crossing it off and finishing that task that's reinforcing for you, right? Cause you're making progress on your list. So I have no problem with visuals. I think my big thing is we need to support kids in the way that they need to be supported. And some kids, especially like with morning routine bedtime routine, they have a hard time with it. For whatever reason. There's a lot of things that a lot of what, remember what we were talking about have twos. There's a lot of half twos that have to get done in the morning and the evening. And so sometimes having a visual can be really helpful. So that's sort of different than what you're talking about, but having a reward system based on, , getting a task list done, it is a visual of sorts. It's a cue for them, right? Like that reinforcement is available. If I do these things and sometimes that's what kids need to do or need to have in order to feel motivated to get through those have two tasks. So I don't have a problem with that. I would say though, that that shouldn't be the end goal. The end goal should be that over time. Again, what I see a lot of is I introduced this reward system. It increases my child's behavior. I'm happy with how they're responding. And so guess what, I'm just going to stop that reward. And usually what happens is you stopped. You just pull out that reward system. The behavior goes right back to where it was because, and that tells you if that's what's happening, , then you pulled it away too soon. It needs to be more gradual. So the end goal should be, our kids are doing the morning and bedtime routine independently, and they no longer need these additional supports. They no longer need the visual checklist or they no longer need those stars that they're getting for finishing each task. The end goal should be that, you know, your acknowledgement, maybe getting an extra story because they've gone through it so quickly, that becomes the natural or logical reinforcer, as opposed to this extrinsic star. Or treat that they're getting at the end. Right? So whenever you introduce some sort of reward system, I would just encourage parents to think about how that plays out in the long-term. How can you move toward getting them to do these things a little bit more independently over time and make sure you're not just pulling out the reward system when things start getting better, it needs to be more gradual. So like, for instance, what I would say is intermittent reinforcement or reinforcement that happens every once in a while is what sustains behavior the longest. So, , when you go to Las Vegas and you're playing on a slot machine and you're pulling that lever, . You're playing because, you know, eventually you're going to hit the jackpot, right. It might take one lever, pole, or 10 or a hundred, but you know, eventually you're going to win some money. The same thing goes for our kids initially. Right. You're giving them a star for every task that they complete. They're getting that, one-to-one reinforcement, but over time you should start to phase that out or thin the schedule of reinforcement so that they're getting it after every second or third task. And then eventually they're getting the star after completing the entire list,. Or, maybe it's they get a star every other day, but that every once in a while, because it's not predictable, they don't know when it's going to happen. Just like you don't know when you're going to win that jackpot, it sustains your behavior. Long-term because you know, what's going to happen, but you don't know when, so you're going to keep behaving in that way. Cause you want that thing, whatever it is, that prize. So going back to your question about who should deliver the stars. I think with the stars it's. Extrinsic, no matter what, but I like the idea of saying like, wow, you know, you brushed your teeth, , go put your star on your star chart. That's great. That's more similar to you crossing off your task on your to-do list, as opposed to, you know, a parent having to come in and say, here you earned this. Yeah. It gives them control. It gives them.
Tammy:Yeah. I like it. Because we're actually. Want to create those healthy habits for our kids. And so this is just a tool to make them start and do it from an external feedback, but as they do it and they feel comfortable. So this, the place where the natural consequence comes, they feel clean. They get ready on time. They get more time for reading good books. This is how we gradually can decrease the amount of external feedback we need as a parents to put in there. So I really like it. And I just posted on my Instagram and what James clear, wrote about habits. Are you familiar with this one that he says you do not rise to the level of your goals? You fall to the levels over your systems, which is publicly when you have a good. Then you don't have to put extra work or resources of time and, , thinking you just simply do it and it's done so for me as a parent, that's what I want for my kids to be independent and have a healthy habits in morning and evening
Mariko:Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
Tammy:So I really like the way you make us understand the evolution of the feedbacks, the external and internal feedbacks. Thank you so much. It was great.
Mariko:for having me.
Tammy:And, , if you want and you have the energy, I want to ask you about siblings fight. Does it fall into one of the four categories when siblings are.
Mariko:absolutely every behavior can fall into that category. Right? So they want something, they don't want something, they need attention or connection, or it feels good. And I'm sure that, , if you're imagining your kids getting into an argument, every situation is a little bit different. And so if we have a blanket response to every situation and we're kind of jumping in and saying the same thing, Hey, if you guys can't get along, I'm going to take away that toy. Right. That's probably one of the most common things that parents do. They jump in, they separate and they say, if you can't play nicely, I'm going to take away this toy that does not address. The underlying issue. And so what's going to happen is if we don't understand the why we can't understand and address that underlying issue to change the behavior, we're just going to keep seeing the same situation over and over again. So if we notice that, , whenever they play with blocks, for example, that becomes a problem because one child wants to build and one child wants to crash. That's important for us to understand one kid wants something. One kid wants a different thing. We can set up a situation where they're both getting their needs met, right? But that we have to figure out what's going on and not just come in and say, okay, we're going to put the blocks away because putting the blocks away, doesn't help them work through that challenge. It doesn't work on their communication skills and it doesn't work on their coping skills, but I have a great solution for that for the blocks. I'll just share it , I like to set up crash zones. So when my kids were little, that was a huge thing. And they're still little, but like when they were toddlers, especially you, no one wanted to crash. The other stuff, we would set up a crash zone. There was a building zone for the kid who wanted to build and with the same materials, the same blocks, there was a crash zone over here. This is where you're allowed to destroy and make a mess and, you know, crash. And that resolved so many of their fighting challenges because they could each get what they needed and they didn't have to mess with the other person's things.
Tammy:oh, crashing. Just make me think about sensory part . It feels good to throw in here, everything falling apart. And so that's what I'm thinking. Okay. I have another example for you, kids that are fighting in the car. What is this?
Mariko:What are they fighting over?
Tammy:Which music.
Mariko:Okay. So that one you can probably resolve by taking turns. I would say, , first we'll listen to your son, then I'll listen to your song. I think turn-taking is really, really key for siblings. We should be doing this from a very early age across all examples. And I love the car. One especially because it's not like a tangible thing that they're holding and sharing back and forth. It's, you know, taking a turn with being first, for example. I think that is really, really helpful. One thing I'll say is we can't expect our kids to share before the age of three or four sharing does not develop as early as we expect it to. And so practicing turn-taking is a really great way to have an alternative to sharing. They're passing something back and forth or they're exchanging toys or they're exchanging opportunities to do something., and that will set them up for sharing later on when it's more developmentally appropriate.
Tammy:okay. So I'm sensing from you is not necessarily to decide for them, but to guide them into the solution.
Mariko:Yeah.
Tammy:So with the car example, I want to ask you when would be a good time in terms of the kids. To let them decide between themselves. Who's going to be the first one to choose the music.
, Mariko:that can happen early on, , in the, you know, in the preschool years for sure. And they're there, so you can have your kids, like if they're older, , they're maybe six and eight. I would just say like, you guys work it out and let them, let them practice those negotiating skills, which is, that's a good life skill to have. If you have younger kids, maybe they're more like three and five, then there are other things that you can do, , even as simple as like flipping a coin or, , or you had it first, last time now it's, you know that your sister's turn., my kids like to play. Rock paper scissors to see who goes first, or they do like these little games, bubble gum, bubble gum in a dish. How many pieces do you wish?, so there's so many ways to like, make it fun and not have to, you teach them a couple of those games and then they can handle it on their own. You don't have to jump in every single time you guys said, oh, you guys, you know, do rock paper scissors, and let me know who won and who's gonna, you know, choose the song.
Tammy:So until there are, let's say five, you are more of a coach that helps them understand the negotiation skills. And then as soon as they reach five or six, depends on the kid and his, , ability to advocate itself, then you would suggest, you know what, you can negotiate it and let me know, what have you decided?
Mariko:You know, I really think that we as parents, I like that term coach. Right. We, we should either be the coach or the sports caster, where we are describing what we're seeing., like I can see you guys both want to play with the red truck. How can you work this out so that we are not being the referee we're jumping in and we're intervening because inevitably when you're the referee, you're making a call about what the situation is. And it typically ends up being, you're picking a side someone's right. And someone's wrong. So, you know, you need to give that to your brother. He had it first and we're inserting ourself into this situation where. If we weren't there, they'd have to figure it out in some way. I mean, I think the only time that we really need to intervene is if it gets physical. So if they're physically hitting and fighting and somebody is really upset, absolutely intervene in separate, but otherwise, like be okay with a little bit of discomfort and a little bit of argument, if it means that they're learning to communicate with each other.
Tammy:so I like how you said do not get yourself to be the judge. Just reflect what you're saying and let it resolve itself. I really
Mariko:And it, you know what, it's uncomfortable and it takes time., I don't want to, , I don't want to say that, cause it's not, it's not going to happen right away. Right. But the more consistent we are with it, the more practice they have with working things out. The more frequently it will happen, that their behavior is being reinforced. It's going to happen more in the future. And we won't have to do that. as much.
Tammy:Yeah, I like how you said we don't have to own our kids' feelings or discomfort. Like you mentioned before, the example with the raincoat that they will be called. Okay. Don't own it. Let them be cold
Mariko:Yeah.
Tammy:and they will understand.
Mariko:They will change their behavior for the next.
Tammy:well Marico. You give us so much great tips and perspective about how to be a parent that gets , the outcomes he wants. Thank you so much.
Mariko:I really appreciate chatting with you. It was so fun. And, , thank you for having me on