#16 How Can You Use Life Ki-do Practices To Raise Happy, Confident Kids From The Inside Out? With Jonathan Hewitt

What Are The Life Ki-do® Tools For Living Resilience Life?

How does external feedback affect your child's effort to be successful?

What does an authoritative parenting style look like?

Jonathan Hewitt, grew up conditioned to the “American happy life”, at 18 he got a book that changes his life. And instead of pursuing a wall street career, he graduated in psychology at Emory University and Founded  Life Ki-do® Martial Arts & Life Education.  Jonathan has been teaching martial arts and life skills to children aged three to nineteen for about 3 decades. He also teaches his life education system in local public and private schools to children, parents, & teachers alike as well as for corporate performance, teamwork & wellness. In the episode, he shares some of the tools from his award-winning book,  Life Ki-do Parenting: Tools to Raise Happy, Confident Kids from the Inside Out.

Life Ki-do offers virtual and in-person classes (Austin area, TX) for kids and parents. Check it out! 

More resources for you:

• How Can You Help Your Child Building Resilience? 
• How to teach Your Child To Transform Challenge Into Strength?
• Free printable- “Chores By Age”

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Transcript

Tammy: 0:00

Hello? How are you?

Jonathan: 0:02

I'm doing great. How are you doing?

Tammy: 0:03

I'm doing good. How was your vacation?

Jonathan: 0:06

It was really nice, really, very nice. A lot of quality family time. And, just being, you know, usually the days are very, very full. And so they were full, but in a different way, just spending time with family and training outside. And it was very nice. How was your break?

, Tammy: 0:20

it was nice. We also had guests. So it seems like you had really present with your family,

Jonathan: 0:24

yeah, no, it's such an interesting thing. I mean, I think for most of us, our days are so full, whatever that may be and family, even just taking time for family, it can be, there's so much joy and beauty, and also it's plenty of opportunities for buttons to be pressed for everybody too. It's such a interesting dance. It's like I remember when, um, I think I told you this when I started asking people about parenting a long time ago, and people said that the most common thing I heard was you can't imagine how much love you'll experience and also how many of your own issues get like brought to the surface and exposed. And I think both are very true. It's very advanced ninja training.

Tammy: 1:02

Well, yeah, it's when you get so much time, then your own things just popping up and you can run away cuz you don't have to, the things that you have to do. So.

Jonathan: 1:15

exactly. Exactly. I remember many years ago someone sent us this article and it was like talking about like in relation to like having like spiritual gurus type of things. And they were saying this, the mom wrote it, this article saying like my spiritual guru in diapers or something like that, you know, it's like that the baby was her teacher cuz was showing her everything about herself, her beauty and her great challenges.

Tammy: 1:36

That's so true. When I started working like 15 years ago and my colleague told me that my kids will be the best reflection of myself, you know, everything within it. Like my fears, the boundaries I'm putting to myself.. And back then, I remember that And from kid to kid, I just realized how powerful the thing he said was.

Jonathan: 2:01

yeah, . I remember my wife saying like, I wish people let you understand more like the challenges as well of the joy, especially in the early years , if your child's getting up all the time throughout the night and just so many things, you know, that make it very hard on your basics essentials for wellbeing. So it's, it's definitely a amazing training.

, Tammy: 2:18

I like it. Kids are your best, trainer.

Jonathan: 2:21

Yeah,

Tammy: 2:23

that's what it is. That's what it is.

Jonathan: 2:26

they really are. I mean, cuz the thing is there's so much love and there's so much investment too. Like we, we want the best for our kids. Like I see with my daughter, for example, There's so many things that I would like to teach her. Right. And tell her and for her to understand and do, but really she gets the most from just seeing how I, who I am and how I interact with her and others. But it's, I just wanna say, okay, these are the most important things you need to know in life. This is how you do it. Ready go. And every time I try to do that, , even though I know that I still thought, oh, if she could just understand this about friends or whatever it is, then it would bet be better. But it's, it's not that way. Usually it's more of how am I being with her and friends and my wife and people, and how am I being with myself? And so it's very interesting how often teaching life, it's not through telling it's through doing. And then the kids reflect to us so much innocence and purity and raw emotion at times and showing us all of humanity and then everything that comes up in us, the protection, our ambitions for them, our hopes for them, our fears for them. So it's, you know, it's so complex.

Tammy: 3:32

Right.

Jonathan: 3:33

such beauty.

Tammy: 3:34

It's like, you wish you could give her the manufacturer Instructure of how to operate in this life.

Jonathan: 3:41

Exactly, exactly. And we can, but I think the biggest thing is how we're doing it. You know, it's so different to be like trying to tell someone something instead, they're just like, oh, when I'm around that person, I see them being present and loving and kind and authentic and seeing them use their challenges to grow and not to blame and not to be mean to themselves. And so there's so many things in our interactions that really we are teaching, but not by quote teaching, you know?

Tammy: 4:10

Yeah. I think recently I read that 80% of what their children getting from their parents is by seeing them observing them. It's by the parents actually modeling stuff and not by talking to them. And, , it's powerful. You get to understand that you rather look at yourself and see how do you react.

Jonathan: 4:30

Yeah. It's a beautiful thing too, because as like whether for, for many of us, in addition to being parents, let's say that we're in service industries, whatever that may be like for me as an educator. And so there's so many things that I, do feel like, oh, if they can understand this and get this. So understanding is part of it, but has to be age appropriate and, you know, not too much talking and all that, but it's in the doing and the experiencing of life that we all really learn. And there are those moments where you hear something, oh, wow, that's great. But really it's living and learning how to live and how to support that in others. And the best way is. By us doing that and by loving and accepting who someone else is and supporting them on their journey in the way that's right. For them, not in the way that we think would be better, which is so easy to do.

, Tammy: 5:16

we tend to go to this direction of, I know how to do it and, you know, put it in a really fixated structure. And then it's part of being a parent, I guess, is let. That part of you go and just respect the child for whoever is. So, yeah, I totally agree. and I'm so, happy to, have you here because when I was in your , workshop you are talking a lot about inner strength and inner self and working from the inside out, I'm wondering what brought you to make this journey and research for your inner self?

Jonathan: 5:52

great question. Um, like many of us, I think we start growing up and we're just living without even being aware of who we are and what we're doing. And where I grew up there's I think a lot of places are like this in the Western culture, I don't know if this was everyone's experience, but this was my experience. Looking back at it, it was all about how you were received by others, how you looked, why you possessed your status. And so it was always jockeying on some level for positioning and whether it was on the sports field or in academics or with friends or in the family, there was always this competition,, but it wasn't like a healthy competition with myself. It was this drive to win and even more a drive not to lose. And so it was just so primal and survival and, emotionally, survival as well. And so it really, wasn't a very healthy way of living, but I didn't know that I just thought, this was the way we do it. And then after I graduated from, , Emory, at that point, I already started really searching and feeling like something's not right., I was really fortunate. Not only did I get to do, you know, a lot of athletics and do well in school. And , had a chance where I was doing some like TV commercials and some print modeling and things like that, where I was around some of the most beautiful people in the world, in New York city, in these auditions. And then where I grew up, there are a lot of very successful business people. So I feel like I got to see a lot of success at a very young age. And then at some point I realized that, wow, all these people are like rich and they look good and they have these things, but I don't really see anyone truly happy for my perspective. There was like something missing, but I didn't know what that was. some people are aware of these things. I just wasn't. And so when I graduated college and moved to New York and I was speaking to somebody and I said, you know, I feel like my life's incredible, but I feel like I have a hole in my heart. Like something's missing. I don't know what that is. And this guy said to me, well, most people. Filled out through some kind of spirituality. And I was like, well, what is that? What do you mean? I don't, I didn't even know, understand. And he recommended this book called the way of the peaceful warrior by Dan Millman. And I read this book and it was like an athlete searching for a deeper meaning. And I so resonated with the story and I was like, oh my goodness, there's another way. There's another way. I didn't know that. So after I read that book, I just decided, I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life as far as cause at that point I was kind of going in this business direction, or, you know, wall street where I grew up and I was like, this is what I'm gonna do with my life. I'm gonna dedicate my life to realizing this inner strength and sharing that with others. I guess. I don't even know if I knew that at that point, but I always worked with people. I was always kind of somewhat like a leadership role. So I was. Wow, this is what I wanna do. I wanna find this inner strength and I wanna live my life from this. And so that just took me on this journey of different trainings and teachers and, learning from things that I liked learning from things that I didn't like and trying to figure out a simple, clear path of not only finding this inner strength, but living daily life, having healthy relationships and family and work and bringing it all together. So that was kind of my deep yearning was finding the deepest place to live from and then live life fully from there. So that's

Tammy: 9:03

so you sort of followed your passion for this inner self discovery.

Jonathan: 9:09

Yep. A hundred percent.

Tammy: 9:10

And I find it really related to the podcast, talking about parents and self-awareness of the parents. So in your book, you mentioned that before you address the child, you need to first address yourself and you call it ground and connect so I was wondering, what is it for you to ground and connect and what is self-awareness for the parents?

Jonathan: 9:31

Yeah, it's interesting. I'll I'll answer that. I just wanna say one thing first, every time. I've done parenting workshops. A very, very common thing I hear from parents is I came here thinking I was gonna learn how to like, , on some level control my kid, not control in a negative way, but like get them to do what I want them to do. And I realized being here, it's all about me becoming more aware and learning how to flow with my inner thoughts, feelings, fears, ambitions, and with life. And so grounding and connecting is getting out of our fearful, insecure, frantic, fast paced. Mind and emotions and getting grounded, getting rooted. Like if you picture a tree with deep roots, that's also able to blow in the wind. And so how do we ground ourself and really connecting, connecting to a lot of times in training that I do with different things. Like I teach a meditation class, for example, and we often will do like getting clarity in our brain, like getting perspective and clarity in our brain, feeling the power and courage of our heart, and then feeling the grounded, the roots of your, like your lower belly button area into your legs. So you have this flow of I'm grounded, I'm in my heart and I have perspective. And so it's, to me, that's grounding and connecting and flowing. I feel like the flower is really important because if I'm just grounded, I can be very dense if I'm just coming from love, which is usually would, if I picked one, I would pick that personally. But if I'm only coming from love, sometimes it's easy to get. To not feel grounded and sometimes not to get a broader, higher perspective. And so, and if I'm only coming from this higher, broader perspective, sometimes it's easy to feel a little disconnected from the love and the roots. So just that feeling of your, the earth, you're the air. You're the love your, the sky, the water.

Tammy: 11:21

So . In your book, you also wrote some practical thing that you can breathe and take some time in which I think it's brilliant this time in thing is just like, it's actually sometimes what you need as a parent. You know, when you have a challenge moment and you feel like you can't really handle it in the moment, so you just take it for yourself , and just accept the fact that you are a human being. Would you like to add anything to that?

Jonathan: 11:47

Yeah. I think even though I've done this for decades, I still see myself doing this. I feel that we have such an idea of how we're supposed to be. Right. And usually it's like a doing, instead of it being instead of just being who we are and being human. And, , another book that I wanted to write that I haven't just cuz of daily life was really that thing about that. There's the human and the being and they seem to contradict cuz one, the human is thoughts and feelings and the being is. Presence. And so I feel that we've gotten so caught up in the doing and the thinking and the planning and the worrying that, that there isn't as much in this being. And I think as we flow it allows us just to accept and embrace who we are right now. Like we should not be different today. Cuz if we were with what we know we would be. And so to really not only just say, okay, I accept who I am, but really like, wow, I am who I'm supposed to be right now. And with where I'm at and my own development, how do I embrace and grow and take these steps? And we have a tool called the AB formula to accept in baby step. And to me, just to like embrace like, Hey, you know what? Like I've been teaching for decades. I still react. I'm a dad. I still react. That's human. And for me to pretend that I don't, or to think that I shouldn't is not being fair to myself or to others it's so it's to see that, what do I do with it? How do I learn from it? How do I help others learn from it instead of pretending that I'm not reacting. So I think that that thing of accepting and embracing our humanity and also taking accountability for our beingness, like not to try to ignore either one of them, but to flow with them.

Tammy: 13:24

So for me, my takeaway from what you said is not only accepting that I'm a human being, but it's also modeling for the child that it's okay to be human. And sometimes I'm upset and frustrated and, have whatever it is. And the second thing is when I'm taking this time in, I'm working on this inner conversation that you just mentioned is how do I feel and what do I do with it? How do I treat this?, and, in the next step, you say to connect to your child and not to his behavior. So could please share with us what that means

. Jonathan: 14:00

I think it's so easy to get caught up in someone's behavior. Cause that's what we see. Like we see them or even their big emotions. That's what we see. But if you ask like the other day I speak to my daughter and she was speaking about somebody and I said, You know that I completely agree with what you're saying as far as like that situation and how that could be hurtful or this person so on and so forth. I said, what do you think's behind that for that person? Why do you think you, they would do that? And she goes, well, I think they're insecure. I said, yeah. And so when some people are insecure, they attack some, pull away some freeze. And so we all have our ways that we do that. And so not that we don't need to say something and not that we it's, you know, it's totally fine and say, Hey, that's not right. Or whatever it may be, but that understanding gives you some perspective with it. And then when you're relating to that person,, our own reaction, like if their reaction is to attack and ours to pull away, neither one are the healthiest ones. Right. So how do we learn to be in our power and interact with each other and invite the child to be in their power instead of, you know, you're bad, go do this thing. And then it's really much more about, Hey, I see you for who you are. And I accept you if you are. And I love you for you are even if that behavior is not acceptable or appropriate, we're still going to love and accept you for who you are. Right? Like the other day, my daughter apologized for something which is not a big deal at all, but in her mind it was. And I was like that, that is so small. Like I love and accept you for who you are. Even if you did something a thousand times worse than that, that's your behavior, but I love you for who you are. Right. And sometimes I'll ask her, why do I love you?, and she's for being me. I'm like, yes, for being you. But even though she says that to know that, and we all could learn that in many more levels, right? I'm sure every time she makes a mistake or does something that she thinks is good, that that either gives more love or less love. And as parents, how do we catch ourselves doing that? Oh, you are a good girl. Now I'm gonna give you more love. You are bad. I'm gonna remove the love instead of. I love you and accept you. How do we learn to work with these joys and challenges in your day? So you don't lose sight,

Tammy: 16:03

I really love how you took the term unconditional love to your kids. And describe it. So simply , just to say, well, I am upset with my kid, but yet he's my kid and I connect from a. Curiosity point of view and to just understand where he comes from. Thank you so much for saying that's brilliant. And I want to talk about punishment and reward , but before we were getting into it, I want to ask you if you resonate with the term parenting authority.

Jonathan: 16:35

Know, it's interesting. Sometimes at work, somebody will say something like, oh, well, since Jonathan's my boss, and every time I hear that, I feel a little bit of an internal cringe because it seem like there's a separation instead of a team. And so I understand we all play different roles in a different time in a child's development, there's different needs. And all of that, of course we have to be age appropriate, but I really think about how things it's just so much healthier to have a team approach with everything. Because as soon as I at work at home, wherever I am, as soon as I say there's me and there's them, all of a sudden there's this separation. Right? And so authority to me, it gives that feeling of like, whether it's me being the authority or you or someone else is like, we know, and you don't know. And the thing is we have hard enough time managing ourselves, right? If, if myself and every other parent listening was really so masterful at mastering ourselves. So many of the issues that we so call have in parenting would seem so small. So many of the real things are happening in our own reactions. And because we were either parented that way or of this idea that we are the parent and we are the authority, it creates attention, a stress. And it's so important, you know, going back to the step, one of modeling being the number like in life, keto, as you've referred to, we have different parenting pillars. And the first one is modeling, well, how do we do that? Right. And the second we're talking about, how do we relate to the child? Well, we can't relate to the child if we're not relating to ourselves. And so if I could, I'd just like to say one quick thing about the modeling and then going back to where you were, because one thing is a concept to say, okay, I'm gonna be self-aware, I'm gonna take responsibility. But how, and that's what always fascinated me. Like, what are the practices when I speak to different therapists or people I co-facilitate with, I'm like, well, what is your practice for helping people find their inner strength and deal with their challenges? Cause ultimately that in my mind, that's. The practice, how do we deal with our fears and insecurities and how do we feel our true power? And so I made it my mind really simple. I've broken it down to the three BS, the body, the breathing and the brain. And so like you were talking about the brain, that self talk, how do we coach ourself? How do we be a good friend to ourselves with our body? How do we use our body in a way that's healthy and powerful. So it feeds us to feel our power, instead of all the different things that happen in our body. And then the breathing , I train with, , some world famous warriors and I'm personally not into like fighting and semi thing. Right. But when I first started training with these guys, I'm like, wow, these guys are in life or death situations. And they talk about using their breathing. As like one of their main foundations to be able to be present and aware and ready for everything they have to do in life and death situations. So I always like to say, wow, they could do that on the battlefield. How do I apply that to myself as a parent and as a human being, and so the simple thing for people is just to find a rhythm to their breathing. Or it's continuous and the way you breathe helps you feel how you wanna feel. So if you were to breathe slower, especially on the exhale that tells your brain and your body to calm down, if you breathe faster, especially on the inhale, it wakes you up and gives you more energy. So finding that balance, there's a lot of training in this that we do, but finding that balance of what speed and quality of breathing do you wanna do to nurture how you wanna feel is so empowering as a parent and that self talk in our brain of focusing on what we're doing and being mindful and the quality of our posture. So this modeling, then when I'm interacting with my child and loving and accepting them for who they are, I'm not sh standing above them with this authority, right? I'm Hey, we're here as a team. Let me enter your world. Where are you? Let me be with you. Let me connect with you. Okay. Now let's address this situation that we need to address.

Tammy: 20:37

So The alternative you are proposing is saying let's connect and support the kid and give him this great tool that you just mentioned. The three BS, and the three types of breathing that helps you to come to your center again. Right?

Jonathan: 20:56

Yeah, exactly. So the thing is the, the goal would be as a parent, how do I find , this flow, this deep place of peace and purpose and fulfillment within myself? How do I interact with my child from that place to support that in them? Because if they have this internal operating system of being present and mindful and confident and kind and flowing everything they do, they're gonna feel their best and do their best. So the most important thing is how do I support that operating system for them to go, oh, you know what, that, wasn't a very good choice. They just made. I wonder why I did that. Let me reflect for a moment. What would be a better choice next time? I'm in that situation. So that's way better than the kid saying, oh, I'm gonna get in trouble or I'm gonna get caught or I better hide this. Oh, I better not tell them. Right? No, we're learning to live. And as a family, we're a team learning how to live all of us. We're parents, as we all know, we're not done with our learning, how to live with ourselves or in relationships.

Tammy: 21:52

Yeah, that's so true. So I'm coming from an engineering background and I always says, My husband, who's also an engineer that kids and also parents are not in a steady state. So you just have to accept and be more flexible to deal with it. And you actually taught us a great tool and it's written in your book, which is the ice river and paddle effort. If you could please share with us what that means.

Jonathan: 22:18

Definitely. Definitely. I'll try to give some structure to all this, just so if people are listening, it's not all over the place. So the general idea that what we do is we have these parenting pillars that help us. Relate to our child. And then we have these tools for life and learning the tools, help us how to live. And it helps us for example, model. And these are the tools that we teach in all of our life keto training, whether it's martial arts or parenting or spiritual flow, or mind, body flow, or girl power or teacher workshops. It's always coming to these tools of how we live in this flow, which we call the river. So the general idea is in any moment in three big categories, we're either over tense, tight, rigid, stressed, which we call ice, cuz we feel stuck and frozen more like that usually. Or, you know, we're exploding with uncontrolled emotions, which is, , very easy to happen. Or the flip side is puddle. We just feel so lazy and bored and disengaged and it's easy to flip or feel both of them at times, but that it's very natural to be in these states cuz our body and brain are hardwired for survival. So. Being on the Seesaw is very easy. And then naturally we go into these states of being, if you will, or being like nature, if you will, or just being, and being present and doing our best. And we call that the river. And so since we've written that book and today more than ever, I feel this flow state, this river is so powerful because it's not like saying, oh, ice is bad. Puddle is bad. I reacted I'm bad , I was a great parent in that moment. Oh, look, my kid did better than that kid. It's getting out of that game of like the comparing and then competing and just saying right now in this moment, how do I nurture my river with my body, my breathing and my brain. What do I need in this moment? What's the next step for me to deepen my river. And so having these three big buckets, if you will, of ice puddle river. Oh, I'm really tense. Okay. What do I feel like I can do with my three BS right now to release some of that energy? Cause it's pent up energy that , our body created for survival, but it's maybe it's not a survival situation. So how do we use that energy instead of getting stuck? And so that's the general idea of these buckets. And then so in life, the river effort, isn't everything I'm doing like right now, speaking with you, how do I be present to the quality of what I'm putting into this moment? Instead of me saying, you gotta get it like this, this is how you have to be a parent or, oh, whatever. You just, just chill. It all work out and you know, don't worry about anything and which is true, but just that you can hear my voice. There's like a disconnect. I'm not really engaged with the moment. So river effort is being so in the moment, so present, so in your heart, so in your body and your breathing and you flow. Doing your best with, with the tasks at hand,

Tammy: 25:04

Started using it with my kids. And I found it really helpful because they can actually visualize themself. And then once I reflect to them and say, well, it seems your, I see. Or a puddle, , you look in their eyes and you see that they get it. No. It, they get where you're talking about. And just before we are moving to the practical aspect of that, I was wondering if you can share with us, what's the background what's causing a child to be icy or a puddle.

Jonathan: 25:33

Yeah. I think if you look at human beings again, , I mentioned this, but I think it's really important for us to understand and see like, as humans, the deepest thing in our animal system, if you will, as survival. So our brain is constantly looking for danger. And so am I safe? And so as children, it's very easy to feel unsafe because if you really look at it, I mean, the world is huge. And so many things are out of control. And so that if you have any idea of that at all, it can seem so overwhelming of, oh my goodness. And then even just within our family, the we're so much bigger than our kids. Usually I know when kids get older, they get bigger than us and all that usually. But that the thing is, there's so many things about being a child that can make you feel small and insecure and not confident and afraid. at certain age, don't know how to do so many things, right. They need us to feed them. When you're looking at the really, really young kids, they need us to take care of them, to do everything for them on some level. And so if you think about their computer being programmed so much of it. You're not enough. You, you need help. And so then from that place, for some people, they can be like, well, I even try, I'm not enough. And every time I do it, I do it wrong. Or somebody can be like, I've gotta make this work. I've gotta, you know, I remember at some point as a kid losing in something and , I didn't understand, like the winner got a reward and I didn't, and that, that hurt me so much. Not, I don't even, I don't really care about the, the reward is more just the whole thing of they were acknowledged and I wasn't, and it felt so hurtful. And so I think that I took the thing of, okay, now I'm gonna, I'm gonna win. I'm not gonna lose. And so I became icy in my operating system. Some people like, even I look at my own family, some people said, you know what? I can't keep up. With somebody or my brother, whoever. So I'm just gonna give up, right? If you can't keep up, you give up some people, if they can't keep up the cheat or the fight or whatever, you know, it's like, we all have these things. And so to realize our natural tendencies are our kids' natural tendencies to judge themselves, to judge others, to give up to fight and to try to help them get a more flowing operating system.

Tammy: 27:46

So I'm hearing that it's more of getting the external acknowledgement and the fear of losing that makes someone really stress and trying to work really hard. And that's what makes him icy. And then in the other side of the spectrum is being lazy and not to work so hard. Because you are sort of fearing of failure. So the interesting thing for me to realize , is that both sides of the spectrum are not a healthy way to operate in the world. So if , my kids is more like a puddle and it's sometimes easier as a parent to handle pu you know, cuz they're not like, like the IC that tend to be aggressive. Am I right? Yes. So sometimes , you think of the puddles state and says, okay, so that's who is, and that's it. But what you are emphasizing here is that both things are not healthy. And we as a parent has the role to support them and move them from these I or puddle place to the river effort. And I think it's. really powerful thing to realize which leads me to the next, question so many times we are overwhelmed with things that we need to do and achieve., and you mentioned it before, but I want to talk a little bit deeper about the AB steps for resilience and how to actually cope with overwhelming in the real world.

Jonathan: 29:13

Yeah, I think what happens for so many of us is we're starting. Our day on some level that we're already behind. I mean, I know every day I have whatever say 20 things in theory that I'm supposed to do on some level or we like to do, and the reality is, is probably too many things, right. Or some people maybe don't give enough to challenge themselves. So I think we're entering in our day, not from a clearer place. And then when we get to step eight of tension, we're like, oh my goodness, how am I gonna breathe? And how can I make this work? And it's so we're already entering tension. And so like system, one of the main martial arts, we teach these guys I refer to, and then TA chief, for example, we start from day one of practicing being in their breath, having a healthy posture, being present to what we're doing. And so we're, we're starting from the beginning of training, how we wanna be. In more extreme situations, let's say where many martial arts I've trained in. We just go full out, like, cause you can say icy., and some people like 10 years down the road may pop out in flow. Not all for me, I was getting more tense after decades of training just for, that was my own system. Right. So I, think . It's really great to start saying, okay, I'm gonna start practicing being in my river, in my flow from the get go. Cause I think it's not realistic to say to ourselves as parents, like, okay, I'm gonna apply this AB formula, which I'll talk about when I'm stressed out or when I get angry, you know that that's great, but it's really better to learn, to have a practice in our moment to moment daily life that helps us be who we wanna be and not just, oh, I'll meditate when I get mad at my kid. Cause that's like a bandaid, right? It's not really looking at. The deeper thing. And so the AB formula really is about there's two parts to me. One is just like, okay. I, I reacted to my daughter again. Okay, I'm gonna step back and I'm gonna become aware like, wow, I've seen myself do this in this area. Let me accept this and kind of understand, reflect and even embrace like, wow, I must be afraid. What am I afraid of? Why am I acting this way? So that first a, the accept in that acceptance, there's the awareness, there's the acceptance. Even like the embracing, like, Hey, you know what? You're afraid, you're scared. And that's okay. That's part of being a human being. So that first part is very healthy and, um, human, like the most loving mom embracing us. And then the B is the baby step of like, okay, well in this current place where I am, what do I feel as like a baby step that can help me become more of who I wanna become in this area? Or. Learn this skill, like a step that I actually can do today and that I could be in my river and do and not force something. And then what's another step tomorrow. Cuz then in the journey of growing, we actually are practicing being in our river each step of the way, instead of thinking, okay, I'm gonna fight to get to this goal and would be ice. And then one day when I get to that goal, then I'll be river. It doesn't work that way. It's every moment we're training. And so I love the AB formula for it. Doesn't matter if it's an external skill or an internal skill of mindfulness, whatever it is, how do I just embrace where I am and take a baby step and that, and every time we do that, we're building this deep internal resilience, like last night in the teen adult martial arts class. And I did it with the kids too. We started with kids as young, as three in our training. And so even with, you know, it's always age appropriate, but I had the teenagers and the adults in a pushup position. And I said, all I want you to do right now is focus on your breathing. Notice in your body where tension's trying to come up and try to breathe through it and use your brain, your mind to coach yourself, whether you're focusing on the tension or somewhere else to release it. And when your body gives up and you collapse, I want you to still feel your power, right? So it's like not being like, oh, I couldn't stay up. As long as that person, therefore, I'm not as good. It's like, no, feel your power. Even when you go down. So that's building resilience inside of them, even when they so-called failed, like, oh my friends stay up longer than me. It doesn't matter by you staying strong in that you're building the resilience. So you're accepting where you are. And you went a little further than you did last time, maybe. And so, or that you thought you could. And so all this internal practice of accepting and baby stepping as a parent, as a human being is so empowering to feel our inner strength, inner strength is not just like something you're like, oh, okay. I'm gonna live for my inner strength. It's a, it's a practice.

Tammy: 33:44

so it seems like you are building for each of your student, his own scale and not comparing to someone else. and this is just the same thing that you. and before about not comparing and not getting the external reward or punishment, but working to , as a parent and for your child.

Jonathan: 34:05

It's so important. I mean, I know my whole life without knowing, and I was constantly looking for that validation. Right. And I feel, I mean, even today, , being who I am at my age and how long I've taught for and all these things. And then I was training with this teacher I was referring to and I just felt like, wow, I'm really training internally. I'm really doing my work. And then there were like a hundred something people on from around the world and they started acknowledging me and it telling people to watch me and then inside it, it made sense to me on a level because of what I, how I felt like I was training. But as soon as he said that, and then he goes, oh no, now you're like doing it. Like, you know, all of a sudden the validation felt great. And then I felt pressure like, oh, I have to be something different than who I am. And then there was like the lack of validation or the opposite, like, oh, you didn't do it. Right. And then I started seeing in the classes, after that, every time he would say something, I got that jolt of like, oh, that felt good. Right. And if he didn't, I could be like, oh, why didn't he give attention? Or why did he give it to that person? And so it's normal. It gives us like, you know, an adrenaline, it gives us neuro you know, chemicals in our brain that feel good. It's, chemical, it's scientific, but deeper is to say, you know what? I wanna do my best. Cuz that's what makes me feel my best. Whether somebody tells me I'm doing a good job or not, whether I win or not. So I think training people to look to themselves. Do you like the effort you're putting in right now? Like there's one kid in class that asks me all the time since Jonathan, how am I doing. I was like, how does it feel for you? Do you feel like you're paying attention, doing the best you can do right now? I think you're doing great, but that doesn't matter what matters is what you feel. And so I don't wanna be cold. I wanna give the love and acknowledgement, but I want their love acknowledgement to be more important than mine.

Tammy: 35:51

Get there. And I also hear, you're talking a lot about. The prevention system also with the AB rather than, , handling a situation and getting to this overwhelming situation is , to be more aware and work in a daily base on this baby step.. So it seems like a daily work of building resilience

Jonathan: 36:14

Yeah. And the thing that's interesting is going back to a little while ago, we were talking about insecurity and fears and things like that. So humans wanna survive. Humans wanna feel more pleasure and less pain, right? These are just fundamental things. So without knowing it, we're all operating in a way that we think is gonna give us more pleasure and less pain. So an icy person let's say in the moment thinks if I could just get this thing done, then I'm gonna have more pleasure and have less pain. A puddle, a person feels like by not trying in the moment, no one's puddle all the time, but in the moment without knowing it by not trying, I'm gonna have less pain and maybe more pleasure. So for me personally, by practicing, living from this inner strength, it lets me feel my best and do my best. So it's kind of like everything we're all looking for, but I feel like we're hardwired and conditioned to look in the wrong place for it. So when you just say I'm gonna be the best me. What does that look like moment to moment. And that allows us to experience more pleasure and less pain and also know how to flow with both of them. So we don't make either one so important because the experience of living from your inner strength and power feels better than the external rewards and pleasures. And it knows how to deal with the pain that we're so afraid of. It's , you see it and process in a different way than we do from avoiding it or being controlled by it.

Tammy: 37:44

So it seems like doing the process will lead to have the results we're wishing for. And so you operate from a place of I'm working on the process. Well, we have. Got a lot here., do you want to add anything? Think.

Jonathan: 37:59

Yeah, I think I know that in this podcast I've jumped around, we've jumped around. And so sometimes as a listener, it's harder to follow. I think just a quick summary, I think the number one thing is, is the energy behind. The perspective behind what we're doing. So if we're really clear of our attention to be a present, loving, kind, authentic, supportive parent, I think, you know, you don't need like techniques and stuff. They're, they're there to support us to be that like one mom who used to come to our school had three boys. And one of the teachers said, how are your boys so happy? And she goes, you know, the only thing I know is anytime we have any challenges, I just go back to love. I go back to hugging and to love. And so I think that love and acceptance is really like, what else do we need, but to love and accept others, we also have to love, accept ourselves. Right? And so I think just saying the simple thing is how do I be present and loving and accepting to myself? How do I present and loving and accepting to each person, each child, each person in my family, individually, and as a team and how do we work as a team and using our body breathing and brain. Having tools to practice that are very tangible, but not just an idea, help us figure out how to find this flow this river. And to know that we're gonna become ice and puddle. And don't worry about that. Just celebrate the times we remember. So it's really very simple taking care of my river with my three BS and treating you and being with you in a way that's supportive of that and you and learning for more mistakes to grow, instead of getting stuck on how many failures we have every time learn and get stronger. So , my intention is always to make a really simple practical system that when people come to a workshop or a class, it can be the only time they ever do it. And they have an understanding of how to practice in their day.

Tammy: 39:46

So please share with us, where can people find you?

Jonathan: 39:49

Yeah. So , our website is life keto, L I F E K I D o.com. And one thing that I feel really passionate about is supporting the whole family. So for parents, some parents come to parenting workshops, some just read our book, which you can get on Amazon. Some parents like to come to like workshops for themselves, like not just parenting. And I have an ongoing program called spiritual flow, which is , a meditation type of class. That's not just sitting, it's standing, it's moving and it's applying it to your body and to your life. So it's very practical.

Tammy: 40:22

And zoom

Jonathan: 40:23

definitely. So we still have zoom martial art classes. I also have the mind body flow and spiritual flow they're online. And then I also have a leadership program I'm doing online. So I definitely do quite a bit online as well as in person.

Tammy: 40:36

That's great. So if we have parents, even not in central time, they can pop in and get all your tools for life.

Jonathan: 40:46

Definitely. Definitely.

Tammy: 40:47

Thank you so much. I have a lot of thoughts and a lot to practice. So thank you so much for coming and for sharing those,, tools for life and for being so genuine with whatever you developed in your life.

Jonathan: 41:00

My pleasure. Thank you. And for everyone, take one, one baby step, whatever that is for you. The next step for you on being the fullness of you as a human accepting yourself as a parent, accepting and loving and connecting with your child. Cause it's, it's just such a better way of living. So thank you for having me here.

Tammy: 41:19

thank you