#17 How To Form Healthy Habits And Raise Calmer Kids? With Michelle Cole

Is there any difference between routine and habits?
What’s happening in your brain when forming habits?
What is the mechanism to develop a new habit or replace an old one?

Michelle Cole from Calmer Kids is an educational trainer and school leader with 20 years of experience working in schools - both in England and Australia. Her impact on raising attainment and outcomes for pupils led to her being awarded a 'Specialist Leader of Education Award by the National College of Teaching in 2015. 

For Michelle, cancer aged 30 was a wake-up call that she needed to do things differently. Over the past 10 years, her personal journey has helped her to balance her achievement-driven personality with well-being in all areas of her life. Studying for her Diploma in Positive Psychology, deepening her knowledge of habits  (and routines), and co-founding Calmer Kids with her sister Helen Boniface, helped Michelle to support not only herself but 100s of students, educators, and families. 

 In today's episode, Michelle authentically shares how she establish new habits and replace old ones with healthier habits by practicing yoga, mindfulness, and journaling. and how you can support your child in achieving psychological well-being!

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Transcript

Tammy Afriat: 0:00

Hey, Michelle. So nice to see you. How are you?

Michelle Cole: 0:03

Hi, Tammy. Good to see you too. Yeah, I'm good. Thank you.

Tammy Afriat: 0:07

Thank you for taking the time to share with us your knowledge and from your experience around habits. And I wanna start with the very basic of what is habits definition,. Michelle Cole: Okay, look. So a habit is defined as a routine of behavior. Or a usual manner of behavior is how it's defined in the dictionary. the key that we look at when we're studying it is that it happens with little conscious thought. So it's just done automat. So, for example, when you sneeze, I would imagine you cover your mouth. you know, it it just happens. Brushing our teeth becomes a habit, but when we get out in the morning, if we don't brush our teeth, it feels yucky. So that's become a really ingrained habit because , for most of us and I'd imagine listeners listening, we've done it from a very, very young age. So you've done it for a number of years, you know, the same brushing teeth before going to bed. It's a habit. You do it without thinking, no matter how tired you brush your teeth before finishing. So you touch the word routine . Is there any different between routine and habits?

Michelle Cole: 1:15

Yeah. Look, the main difference is that a routine requires more conscious effort. Whereas the habit kind of happens and has like little conscious choice. If we don't feel it, it feels awkward. Whereas a routine is something that we can bring into our lives and we can follow that routine and, have the contexts that make that routine really, and it can actually become and build into a habit. So James clear, who's one of my favorite, favorite author on this topic in his book, atomic habits, , he actually talks about the 1% gain with habits and how starting small is, really, really powerful. So often when we want to integrate a new routine or a new habit, we start big. So right. I wanna start running. So I'm gonna run every day for an hour. And the reality is, is that being able to do that is not gonna happen. And so when we don't get that reward, it stops so we can use our routine. And using our knowledge of habits to help us actually create meaningful change. So for example, if I want to develop healthier habits in my life, a routine that I can establish for myself is when I get out of bed, I brush my teeth and I get dressed and then I go for a run. So in terms of your question is a habit different to a routine. The routine just requires more conscious effort, but if I do it enough, it can become a habit. So sometimes if you are reading on habits, they may also talking about routines. The two are very, very. interlink.

Tammy Afriat: 2:45

So I got, routine it's something that does require some mental, energy, but then as we do it frequently, it becomes a habit. And at this point, like if I don't brush my teeth and it feels uncomfortable to me, that means that it's already a habit

Michelle Cole: 3:03

That's it. Exactly.

Tammy Afriat: 3:05

and that's a great news because a lot of our listeners, I guess, are. Putting energy to establish those healthy routine with their children. because what we want for our kids is the goal is to have healthy habits. So that's, a great news. I want to go back though, to when you talked about the definition of habit, what's the science behind habits what's the mechanism of a habit in our brain

Michelle Cole: 3:33

yeah, so basically, habits are often linked with like cues? So if we use the brush and the teeth example, get up in the morning, that's my cue. I'm going to go and brush my teeth., so, and we can use that when we're starting new Habit.. So, , if we're trying to integrate some more, mind movement or yoga, or,, mindfulness with our kids. So we have listeners with karma kids that are signed up to our online platform, karma kids online, and what our subscribers do is they try and do it at the same time on same day. So it might not be every day, but they might do it say a Monday or Wednesday a Friday, and they'll try and develop it. We work with them to try and develop it so that it happens at the same point in the day. So for example, if. One of our clients, you know, the kids come home. They're quite high in that window of tolerance. School can be quite challenging for a lot of children because it's a lot of focus, a lot of mental energy, you know, it's very common for kids to come home and suddenly they can't hold it together anymore, which is why as parents, , sometimes experience the meltdown as soon as they get home, because they feel safe enough to do that. So what we can do is we can use our knowledge of habit cue. To help us start to develop that behavior and gradually change that behavior. So for example, one of our clients, two kids that come in their previous habit was the bags got shoved in the hall and they went through into the lounge and they watched TV, which often caused, some arguments. I wanna watch this. Now I wanna watch this. So we weren't with them to say, okay, well, how can we use this habit? Because the parents really wanted to bring some more mindfulness and yoga into their routine to help them self regulate and almost help create that distinction between the end of the school day and the beginning of their family evening. They wanted to improve that family connection time. So what we did is we actually used the cue that was already there so that they come home from school, the bags go in the hall. They go into the lounge, but on the TV, they've actually got up on the TV, the karma kids online. So they're still doing that same migration of whole lounge TV, but rather than it being completely free choice of, oh, we're gonna watch cartoons. I wanna watch this on Netflix. I wanna watch this YouTube rubbish. you know, actually they've got something that's up there and good to go. And the way our common kids platform works is that we have there's different activities or videos or audios. Fit days of the week., so for this family, , what really works for them on a Monday, they come in click on Monday week one, and that's what they play. If it's Wednesday, they go on Wednesday and sometimes they do more than it. Sometimes the kids will come home and say, oh, I really liked what we did yesterday. Can we do it again? Or can we see what's on Tuesday? And that then is becoming a habit for that family. And what's really lovely. And the feedback we're getting from them is that the mom is no longer having to, when they come in, have a battle of the choice of, do you want to do yoga or do you want to watch cartoons? that choice has, it's still the same context and the same cue. Gradually it's changing.

Tammy Afriat: 6:38

Well, that's great

Michelle Cole: 6:39

And of course, one of the key things with habit set in and habit building is that there needs to be some kind of reward. So you've got the queue, you've got, the routine, , so normally it's the routine that becomes a habit. So for example, in this example, kids come home from school bags in the hall. The routine is watching, , act doing yoga, to calm my kids online, actually actively doing some movements. Some self-regulation some breathing mindfulness. And so for these kids, the reward for them is not only do they then feel good in their body. Cause we all know how good it feels when we move mindfully in our body, our nervous system, , goes into , , the rest and digest place, but they get that reward. And then after that they get 20 minutes free time. On their TV. So it's built in. So that's just like , a really simple example of where an old habit can be, adapted , what is worth saying as well though, is that it's really challenging to change habits and it's, just as easy to gradually fall into less healthy habits than it is to integrate new habits. So even for example, am having a stressful, time at work, the way I cope with that is I'm gonna come home and pour a glass of wine. And that becomes for the first day of one off. And then it happens the second day that, you know, the same,, issues have been happening. You do it for the second day. You do it for the third day. Fourth day and, and suddenly that is your habit, really for your coping mechanism., when I was deputy principal back in the UK, a number of years ago, that was a big part of my habit. You know, I would finish work at a very big job, run a school with 500 students and 80 staff. And I would finish work. I'd go to the gym or go to the stables and I'd come home and have a glass of wine. And it was fun. You know, I was only having one glass of wine, , but I've been very conscious to since remove that part of my habit setting because , I don't wanna be drinking a glass of wine every night, you know, that doesn't actually align with my long term health goals.

Tammy Afriat: 8:34

So I got the mechanism, which is , the cue, the trigger and then the habit or the routine, and then the reward. And so that's one thing that it's manageable, cuz once you understand what's your cues, you just need to be aware of what do you do as soon as you have that trigger. And I wanna ask you,

Michelle Cole: 8:55

it?

Tammy Afriat: 8:55

So You touched how do you change habit, And I want to go first on how do you establish new habits?

Michelle Cole: 9:03

So it is through that routine, through the routine and the queues., so James clear start, talks about the 1% game. So we can often be really, really tempted to try and make massive changes. But the reality is is that if we try and make one massive changes, it's not sustainable and we're not gonna get the rewards straight away. And therefore like with pretty simple creatures underneath all the, , complexity, if we are not getting that regular reward, then we are less likely to continue that habit. So if I set that goal, if I set my 1% improvement as really quite small, 1% gain and attainable, I'm more likely to stick to it., so last week I've actually been traveling with work. I was down in Canberra for a week, so my normal routine and my normal habit is I wake up, and I take the dog to the beach. So we go out and we have a really good walk. You know, we're out for 45 minutes an hour, and that's a really great healthy habit in my day to day life. that helps, , set me up really well for the day. So of course being down in Canberra. It's no beach, there's no dog. So I very consciously on my trip down there thought, well, what can I do? How am I going to transfer my normal habit and routine so that I don't completely lose that when I'm away. So there's no big, but there was a pool. So what I did is I made a conscious effort every morning to get up at six o'clock and go for a swim. Now I didn't have heaps of time because we met earlier as a team at seven o'clock each morning. So I didn't have time to go for a swim for an hour and I could have very easily have gone. Well, there's no point I can't do 45 minutes or an hour exercise, so I'm not gonna do anything, but because of that 1% gain, it's the first time with us away., as a newly developed team, I started small, really attainable set to myself. I'm gonna swim for half an hour. And because it was attainable. Cause I got that immediate reward that because it was a small goal that I'd set and therefore it was very achievable. As soon as I'd done that half an hour, I felt really set up for the day. So, whereas, you know, whereas I could have said, no, I need to be outside. I need to run still. I need to be outside 45 minutes an hour. It was three in the morning when I was waking up. You know?, there's no way that I would've been sticking to

Tammy Afriat: 11:14

So you just saying to start with this small steps, that's key for success to establish new habit. Mm.

Michelle Cole: 11:24

really, really important.

Tammy Afriat: 11:26

and also be intentional and aware of what the reward you want to achieve, cuz that kind of motivate you

Michelle Cole: 11:34

Absolutely. Look, , exercise actually gives. Its own reward because of, the natural, happy chemicals that are released when we do it. however, we can also build in other rewards for ourselves, people can set themselves goals to go, okay, well, if I do,, three workouts a week, then on Saturday and Sunday, I can have a sleeping and not have to do any, , it just completely depends on what people have that work for them, for another family that I'm working with and with karma kids. So we have like a monthly overview that has the months activities and, , mindfulness and yoga so , their goal they've set for themselves is this family got really busy routines. They just want to do days a week. And for them, they try and make it on a Tuesday and a Thursday. Cause that works with our other schedule. And if they hit both of those days, then on Friday as a family, they have like pizza night, and actually the reality is, is that they were already having, pizza night, but they've built it in., so as a family, collectively, they go and the kids are really engaged to go, oh, okay, well we missed it on Tuesday. So we must, so we're gonna do Wednesday, Thursday. So being able to really build in that reward, it's, it's quite often when people are set in new habits, new goals, it's really good pairing up with someone.

Tammy Afriat: 12:41

To be accountable for each other.

Michelle Cole: 12:43

that's it, and the great thing parents listening to this who are wanting to do this for their children, kids like. Very open about what works with them in terms of rewards. Some kids just love stickers, and some kids will literally be really, really rewarded. And that's when I talk about, about karma kids, char, , they literally had love having a sticker as part of that reward for doing it. ideally what you want to try and do though, is move from like external extrinsic rewards into that intrinsic. But the great thing is internal, good thing is the more we do these habits, the happier we feel, the more healthy we feel

Tammy Afriat: 13:17

Yeah. So as the child grow up, those external reward, he just grow out of it because he gets the reward . For example, when he work out and he feels good and he feels more relax.

Michelle Cole: 13:30

Yeah, exactly. There's a brilliant,, area of neuroscience that looks at neuro. And so , that basically shows us, and there's, a really great line graph that shows that the younger we are the easier changes to create, which is why building healthy habits and self-regulation tools from a young age is one of the best gifts we can give our, kids and the, one of the best things that teachers can support students with because for many of us, and I'm sure, you know, for listeners who are listening. Many of us have tried to and have, integrated healthier habits, age 30, or maybe age 35 or age 40. And it can be really quite hard to make those changes. Whereas if we can teach habits from a younger age, it's really, really powerful., , part of like positive psychology talks around there's kind of , two areas of wellbeing., there's subjective wellbeing, which is almost like your more kind of surface level wellbeing. So that's like your quick fix. How do I feel now?, what am I gonna do to feel good? So for example, it might be go to the beach. It might be yoga, it might be a massage, , so. It's all the things we do to make , me feel good right now. It might be connection with friends. Then underpinning that though. And this is what kind of many people kind of end up actually leaving till last, because the subjective wellbeing's much easier to focus on with psychological wellbeing. It's the underpinning, it's deeper and it's linked to our meaning in our purpose and our values. And that part of wellbeing actually can take some work. and habits are very, very much situated in that habits are an incredible and really powerful tool for our psychological wellbeing. And we can use them to either help us or actually hinder us with our psychological wellbeing. So for example, if I've got myself into a habit that I don't get up, when my alarm gets off. Because it's dark outside and it's winter and it's cold. And so every time my alarm goes off, when I would normally exercise, I sleep in for longer and I snooze it and I get up at the last possible minute. And I've done that once I've done it the next day, I've done it the next day. And suddenly all of a sudden I've done it for a month. In terms of my mean, and my purpose, my values, my long term, healthy habits and routines for my wellbeing. It's actually hindering my wellbeing because we know that our bodies and our brains need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day to keep us happy. Our prefrontal cortex needs that , to stay online, otherwise we go more into much more limbic thinking. Whereas I can use that and I can say, okay, so what's my meaning, my purpose, my values. So one of my values may be that I really value my health and I'm going to really make a conscious effort to when that alarm goes off. And my first initial thought is I don't wanna get up. I think the bigger gain of getting up and going to make that one change and going for that walk or that run or that yoga class or whatever its, does that make sense? So, habits are fundamental creating wellbeing habits for us, like for us and for our kids.

Tammy Afriat: 16:32

So there is short term reward that I'm searching for something that will make me feel right here right now. And then there. Are the long term reward, which habits typically fall into that category because we need to be more intentional of what we are eating because obviously when I'm eating ice cream, this is my weakness. Then at the moment, I feel really pleased the taste, so how do you, especially with kids, how can you transfer that kind of understanding and help them create that kind of habits that they don't necessarily understand their reward at the moment?

, Michelle Cole: 17:14

I think by making that reward really apparent and really conscious and by making what you are trying to integrate really small and achievable. like a real life example. So I've noticed that , since being in my new job, I've got less time for yoga. I've got less time for. Mindfulness and , I haven't day day to do those things that help me, practice mindfulness as part of my day to day life. So I have two choices with that. I can either say, oh, this is rubbish. I don't get to yoga every day anymore. I'm not doing mindfulness. I'm just gonna leave it. And I'm just not going to do it anymore. Or I can say, okay, well, how can I integrate this into my day to day life? What do I do every day? I still get a coffee in the morning. So one of my things that , I really enjoy getting a takeaway coffee, that's kind of, for me a real So. OK, well, , can I integrate mindfulness into how I drink my coffee? Yeah, I can cause mindfulness can look , in many different ways. So although I'm not sat on my yoga mat at the yoga studio, crosslegged, it's not mindfulness in a typical way. I can have my part and I can hold it mindfulness, and I can really notice how it feels in my hand. And I can be really present when I'm drinking it and I can take a small sip sip and really savor it so I can start really, really small and the same goes for helping our kids. And it's that immediate reward of, Hey, what do you notice when you do that? And that's one of the most, one of the best things we can be doing with our kids when we're trying these and exploring these tools is empowering them and just saying, so how did that feel? What did you notice? Because the great thing with healthy habits is that your body actually tells you how good it is for you. If we listen to our bodies and kids are really good at listening to their bodies. if we do it and immediately check in and go, how does that feel? As long as we've done it within our realms of, fitness and, capability times outta 10, it feels good.

Tammy Afriat: 19:09

I'm getting it. Like you need to ask after your child practiced that routine, you could just make him be more aware of it and just ask. So how do you feel about that and that kind of where he started to realizing that that's what really makes him good.

Michelle Cole: 19:26

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look so on that. So in teaching, we call that meta. it is literally just bringing that awareness to what they're learning, which then empowers them to take ownership of it, which isn't to do with habits, but it's how we learn if we own it and we're not passively doing it. So like for any parent wanting to, for example, support the kids, to use karma kids online, or, to do whatever, if you just tell them they, might do it, but if you can really empower them to notice how it feels to reflect, that's called metacognition. So that is actually really taken on board. What am I learning? How does this feel? Why would I want to do this again? So they're literally like, engaging cognitively with it as well as having a physical reaction. And then you've got your two, you've got your mind and your body connection. Which is what we need to create,, proper health and wellbeing.

Tammy Afriat: 20:19

that's great. It's like moving from, I'm trying to guide my kid to the place where he's not needing the guide anymore. He's responsible to do those kind of routine and that's a successful process. That means that he's independent in that specific area.

Michelle Cole: 20:36

Exactly. When I was teaching, I was in a school last year , and I was doing some teaching. I'd been in leadership for about eight years and wanted to kind of get back on the tools to just go back on the ground and see if what I was saying and leading and and I guess preaching about was still relevant. I had a class with a, with a huge, huge proportion of trauma., you know, some very extreme behavior, some very high needs and, , often quite conflict in high needs. And they would come in from lunchtime, very high, and there was often not conflict. And I would feel myself reacting with that also, and, you know, could fill my kind of tension rising too. And so we started to integrate mindfulness into the classroom. So we used a couple of things. We used a smile in mind app, which have some brilliant classroom meditations. I did some of my own meditations from karma kids and we used,, a breathing ball. So like a Homan beer, which you can get from most great toy shops. And literally they would come in after lunch and we would do. Five to 10 minutes of either belly breathing or mindfulness or movement and just to recenter and connect with our bodies. And so to begin with for the first week, maybe two weeks, I very consciously and very deliberately had planned the ones that we were going to do. I wanted to test out and see which ones they liked doing. I kind of used the ones that I liked. We reflected on how it made them feel. So, you know, they're like, oh yeah, I actually feel a lot better. You know, this is like a really quite challenging school with kids who had, seen a lot already in their lives. So year five kids, some of like the most like street wise, you know, coolest kids that I've ever worked with and these kids were going, oh, wow. Like when I lie on my back and I do belly breathing, I really feel good. And what ended up happening that it was a routine, but it became such a healthy habit for those kids. They would come in and sometimes, you know, if I'd been on break , on lunch duty and I'd been dealing with something and I'd come in and I forgot to do this routine, they would hold me accountable and they'd say, Hey, we haven't done better breathing yet. Can we do it? And then likewise, if something happened , and one of them got triggered about something or was finding a lesson particularly hard. I had one kid, you know, had D D ADHD. He'd he'd been suspended and he'd literally go, can I go and get the breath then fall and just take five? Cause he knew how good it felt in his body. And he knew that by self-regulating his emotions, he was then able to make a conscious choice about his behavior and therefore about his choices, which meant that he then didn't lash out and get into trouble., and this is where the neuroplasticity is really, relevant , because they're younger, it's easier for it to integrate into their habits. now that's not to say that those kids will do it forever more because we did it for a year, and that's experienced what that habit was like. And how it felt.

Tammy Afriat: 23:29

So you just attached something interesting. You actually said that being dysregulated. In a certain way. Like if someone is getting upset and now he's throwing stuff, that's actually a habit. And that leads us to how do you change a habit? what you've done with those kids is actually helping them establish new habits, new, healthy habit. So how do you do that?

Michelle Cole: 23:54

Well, it is that whole, like trigger or cue and what happens.

Tammy Afriat: 23:59

And then the reward

Michelle Cole: 24:01

exactly and we can create new neural pathways and we can create with that new choices. However, when the dysregulation is happening, you can't teach the new habit. Then like you, you literally like you actually cannot. And anyone who's ever had a child or a student tantrum in front of them has said to them, or even a partner has said to us, just calm down. Like, you know, when you are in that, when you're dysregulated, that's the worst thing anyone can ever say to you. Cause I'm not gonna calm down. I feel angry. And that's because our prefrontal cortex, which is like the think in the rational part of our brain like has flipped and is offline. When that goes offline, what happens is we go into the very limbic, which is reptilian part of our brain. One of the main differences between my brain and my dog's brain is I have the prefrontal cortex. I have rational thinking, whereas a dog's brain, is limbic. It's emotional. It's actually where we have our habits. Rational thinking cannot happen here. So my dog's for example, cannot rationally go, oh, Mum's on a call with work. I'd better not grab that. Dite ring and go around squeaking it because that's gonna be awkward. It's not gonna think that., so when kids are disregulated, their lid has flipped., we can't integrate this habits there. However, what we can do use what we know about teaching medical cognition habit building is we can help children to experience how it feels when they, use the regulation tools. for example, belly breathing and the belly breathing ball is a brilliant example. Five finger breathing is another favorite. So, you know, breathing in as you go up the finger and down and out as you go down and then in and out and in and out. And obviously you can do that slightly slow or belly breathing, where you've got the belly breathing board and you breathe in for your belly, expand, breathe out. so using those breathing tools, What we can do is teach kids about those tools, to reflect on how they feel. And then when there's a trigger to choose that as the outcome, as opposed to the old behavior now with triggers, especially when it comes to behavior, there's different levels of trigger.,. So a couple of years ago I was working as a curriculum coach at a school, and I was working with a new student he'd been expelled from three different schools, had a history of, domestic violence , in his family, really struggled with anger. So when he got angry, he'd get physical. Which, you know, it was, you know, it was his way of keeping safe, you know, and his lid flipped., he would lash out. He would literally go into that fight or flight response. We can't change that as a natural,, physiological reaction. We all have it. what he would do is when he had a trigger, he would often, , go into what we call high arousal. So he'd disassociate, he'd shut down. Sometimes we'd call that, freeze or form. And after that, it would build up and it would bubble up and eventually he'd attack and he'd go and he'd flip tables , and he'd kids and he'd actually hurt a teacher so this poor kid at age four already had a really big fire, had a lot of people judging him, but actually his behavior was triggered by his experiences and his trauma. So we worked together. So myself and his teacher worked. With him. And I work with her to understand the behavior, cause all behavior is communication. so we work with him to develop his metacognition of knowing when you lose your temper or when you do that, how does that feel? Okay. Doesn't feel great. What if we were to find a way to help you manage that in a different way? Would that be something that would feel helpful? Well, yeah, I don't wanna get expelled. I actually really like this school and it's really lonely. I have to make friends every time I move on, I have to make friends. And every time I meet a new teacher, they think I'm that kid that hits people. And I don't like that and it feels rubbish. And so , . He was really able to articulate it. So , we talked with him a different strategies, and calmer kids , we have some brain break cards, so we use some of. and he basically identified the things that really worked for him. So he loved belly breathing ball. He absolutely loved it. And if you have a look on the karma, kids' Instagram or Facebook, you can see pictures of kids using the ball. He loved and that for him, it was really esthetic. And he would use that to help him regulate when he was really shut down. And often one kids are really in hyper arousal, that bigger movement can be really hard. So he had also had , a cushion, like in the library area that was his safe place to go to. So we set up the queue and the routine and therefore inbuilt the reward for him. So, okay., when you feel angry, can you go here to your safe place in the corner where the library is and get your cushion and hug your cushion and hold it close. And if you need to have a little bit of movement. When that movement's helped you get into your body and you feel better, you can get the breathing ball or do your five finger. And he had a picture up of those strategies. So anyway, so we worked with him with that on a few low level triggers , and he would get triggered quite often, even in a lesson, if he was finding something hard and the teacher was brilliant at helping to remind him of the teacher aid., and myself worked a lot with him developing that routine. If I feel angry, what choice are you going to make? And it was about being able to read him before that led her flipped. so role four, a couple of months, and we've been working on that. And, , the other year four teacher, he was lovely, but wasn't, the best at communication. Decided to invade the year four class that we were working in with the whole of her other year four class. So 28 kids came running into the classroom as part of an invasion for a hash lesson, which in itself was a brilliant idea for lesson. She wanted her children to experience the invasion she wanted the others to experience. It could have been a really great learning opportunity, but of course, for the little boy that we've been working with 28 kids and a teacher running into his classroom, screaming

Tammy Afriat: 29:36

Okay.

Michelle Cole: 29:38

incredibly triggering, and it could have been incredibly dangerous. It could have been incredibly dangerous for him. However, he went to freeze and it just happened that I was in the room. Teacher was in the room. The teacher ride was there as well., and he starts and we looked at him and we pointed , and he knew exactly where to go. And he took himself off to the corner. He got his pillow. And, , you know, to be fair., he really did go into sh like into dissociation. He was kind of there and he was frozen and the teacher was brilliant. She went there, she knew she was there, like reassured him, we got the other class and the other teacher out, he used his breathing ball. We went for a walk to help him shift the energy and we debriefed and he was so like his, his face afterwards, he was like, I did it, I did it. I didn't. And I was going hit and the anger came up and I started to feel really red zone, but I didn't do it. And so for him, you know, for that child, that change of routine, that change of habit for him potentially saved him from being expelled from another school, which is incredible. His mom, when we told her later that day she cried and she said, oh, I cannot believe because it's life change and work, but it took time and it took time, you know, and subsequently there are other times where it didn't work as well and he didn't do it, but that's okay. You know, same as if my habit is, I don't wanna pour a glass of wine when I've had a stressful day, if I do it and I've had a stressful day, that's okay. If it's a one off it's it doesn't mean that, that old habit's going come back. It's how we manage it when we've changed it. So it been that having really real conscious about what choices we're making

Tammy Afriat: 31:10

So you actually helped him to develop new links in his brain, rather than going to the freeze, the fight or flight mode to actually the more rational area and your mind. And so he, , and you did it by . Making him aware of his body sensation when he gets into this fight or flight mode. And then you would give him other choice, of course, after realizing that he's motivated and he really wants to get those reward. As you mentioned before, like the long term reward.

Michelle Cole: 31:46

Yeah. Behavior is always communication. And it makes me sad when there's so many students in schools that are labeled as, you know, disruptive , expelled because we're trying to make them fit around whole and we're not understanding. And you know, the good thing is , there is a lot more trauma informed teaching education happening. It's much more common. It's not enough still. We need to be understanding the behavior is communication and likewise, , for ourselves, You know, for parents who are listening to this saying, oh, you know, God, you know, I've got some unhealthy habits and I'm really judging myself on that. And you know, I'm a terrible parent cause I do pour and it's not a glass of wine. It's a bottle of wine. And you know, haven't exercised, for six months or, , six years, , like meet like starting with kindness and like meeting ourselves and meeting our kids with kindness and going, this is where we're at. This is the starting point. What is the 1% gain from where I am now? And it doesn't matter that you might be a million miles away from where you want to be. Ideally don't aim there, have that as your end goal, by all means, have your 1% gain. What's the first thing you want to do. So I'll give him an example again, last week, I would've loved to have been out running every day for an hour. And I did I today feel a bit more sluggish and a bit more, you know, yucky, cuz I hadn't done that all week. Yeah, I did. You know, I actually, I didn't feel amazing this morning because. I've been out of my habit and my routine. Cause I've been away with work. What do I do I get back onto it today? I didn't wanna get up this morning, but like, okay. I know what makes me feel good. So meeting ourselves with kindness , and if we go 1% backwards, if we don't do what we, , want to do for a day or a couple of days, or even a week or months, or however long going forward, what's the first 1% thing that I can do.

Tammy Afriat: 33:37

I get that, it's also comes into being flexible and adjust the habit into something that works well in different. Setting

Michelle Cole: 33:48

yes. Yeah, exactly., and it has to work for you. You know, I've got a beautiful friend , who I love a bit. She runs 10 kilometers, five times a week. She's amazing. She's incredibly fit, incredibly active. And I used to really aspire, you know, to do that, but it's actually too big a goal for me. And I didn't do any of it. Whereas if I work with, where I'm at right now, it feels different and it, and it feels achievable and because it feels achievable. Hello reward. You get the reward. It feels good. And say, because you've had that reward. Oh yeah. I felt really good after I did that yesterday. I'm

Tammy Afriat: 34:24

so it's the little wins that we're looking for in order to be consistent in doing that habit over and over again,

Michelle Cole: 34:32

That's it. That's it. And So, James clear talks about the power of habit stacking. So if I'm trying to start a new habit, Tapping it onto something I already do. And I already do pretty unconsciously or subconsciously, like where do I want to place my new habit? So for example, my example earlier, my coffee, I kind of tend to go and get a coffee. Like it is just something I do. It's a habit I really enjoyed going down there.. So I've tapped my mindfulness routine onto that other people talk about, , I've worked with people who have wanted to, you know, bring more movement into their day that they're working from home. So they've stuck at their computer. It's like, what do you always do? in your day. Oh, my day's really varied. I have calls sometimes. Sometimes I'm doing emails. Sometimes I'm doing research, but what do you do every day?, well, I always stop for lunch. Okay. Do you always stop lunch at the same time? Yeah. Yeah. More or less. Okay. So when you stop for lunch,, before you eat your lunch, when you get up from your computer and out of your office, do your movement then. So that person's now got a yoga mat next to their office desk and they know, I'm gonna go and get some lunch. I stand up and , it's probably an eight minute routine that they do. They stand up and they do it. And so they're doing eight minutes a day, five days a week. That's 40 minutes. It's not, you know, a practice that's going to change the yoga practice, massively, but they get some mindful movement. And because it feels good some days naturally, rather than doing eight minutes, they want to do 15 minutes. Because that reward.

Tammy Afriat: 36:03

Yeah, I'm just thinking about that. It's a great thing to say. If your child is not willing, for example, to have homework done, then other than say, you have to make the whole thing. You can just say, let's do three minutes or four, five minutes, and then the other day you would say, so how much time would you like to do? And then they feel really good when they did something. So then they will own their responsibility and they will increase the time of making homework by themself.

, Michelle Cole: 36:32

exactly. You know, like with homework, being able to do it at a regular time, , , trying to find a regular place where they do it and a regular time. Again, it helps it to become a habit. And then coming back to the master recognition,, you're kind of helping them to understand. Yeah. Do you know what you can feel a bit rubbished during homework? The reason you have homework is that it's helping you to develop self-motivated learning, which is a really important skill. Whether you're gonna go to university or college or tape, or whether you're gonna go straight into the world of work, you have to be able to be self motivated to continue and work. That's a life skill. So, you know, rather than this sheet sheets, I it's about the sheet. It's the is for

Tammy Afriat: 37:18

Yeah, we also use the term. It helps you grow your mind and it feels to me like they can vision it and it makes them like they feel smarter. So even if he solved only three, , math work, which is not a lot, but it makes him feel this win of, yeah. I grew my mind.

Michelle Cole: 37:38

Exactly.

Tammy Afriat: 37:39

I want to ask you something, actually, we talk aloud about habits in terms of what do you do like behavior? Is it possible that habit is also the way we think thoughts that come.

Michelle Cole: 37:51

Yeah. Look so because basically it's a routine of behavior. So in theory, like behaviors normally external, but I know for my own learning and my own journey that you can develop habits of, , either positive self talk or negative self talk. So you can, and it's around becoming really conscious in your thinking and creating that pause of a trigger. So there's a trigger.. Building in the habit of mm-hmm, there's a trigger, just reflect how's it feeling in my body? Why is it making me feel that? And what can I do about it? So it's not always easy to follow it, but being able to be really conscious can it can help do that. But the key thing with that and us being able to have , that control over our own our thoughts and that kind of that real conscious awareness that we all know how great it feels when like we've got the conscious awareness we're making, you know, really empowered decisions we feel in flow. So I mentioned earlier, so the prefrontal cortex actually requires a lot of fuel. I'm gonna say fuel to function. So way more , than the limbic part of our brain. So prefrontal cortex, like your top, your thinking part, your limbic, your emotional, your habit part. So your brain so positive psychology has showed that your brain actually needs 30 minutes of exercise a day. That's not 30 minutes a day because I want to lose weight. That's not 30 minutes a day because my friend's doing an hour and I wanna try and keep up with her. I it's 30 minutes a day. Cause for my brain, for my main processing center, needs 30 minutes a day. It also needs good quality food and, fruit and vegetables and omega three, , oils. And what happens if I'm not fueling my prefrontal cortex, if that's not fueled enough. So what will happen is my limbic part of my brain. We'll start to help out and we'll start to take over more. And I'm not explaining this , in scientific terms, I'm kind of, I'm making this, very visual for people. of course, and we know from the limb part of our brain, it's where our memories and our habits and our patterns are stored and the emotional part of our brain. And we actually need the limbic part of our brain., it's a really important part of our brain. However, my old stories, my old habits, my old emotions, my old reactions are steward. So if I'm not fueling my prefrontal cortex, what's highly likely to happen is my reactions. My thoughts will become more from the limbic part of my brain and less from my rational part of my brain. Which is why,, one of the best lessons I ever, ever had was, , if you don't have time to exercise, if things are too stressful and you don't have time for exercise, make time to exercise double, because actually it is when that hamster wheel is going and is spinning. That's when it's really, really easy for the old habits to creep in. When we're tired, it can be very easy to say, I just, I don't wanna get up and do that. Or, you know, I just wanna snooze the alarm. I just wanna have that, easy to eat thing, like whatever it is, but the more we can be really conscious and fuel our prefrontal cortex, the better it is for us to continue that upward cycle of making conscious choices.

Tammy Afriat: 41:09

That's so interesting. So that's why also we can be more creative when we're fueling our front portal.

. Michelle Cole: 41:19

Yeah, exactly.

Tammy Afriat: 41:19

I get that it's like, the new link are stronger than the old link

Michelle Cole: 41:25

That's it. And look, you know, I mean I'm 40, , it's taken longer to develop that there's still times where there'll be a trigger and something, and I'll do an old habit, and that's okay. I have to meet myself with kindness with that, but it is where, like that meta recognition working with our kids from a young age. It is. Why had I set up karma? In the very first place. Cause we went, if we can teach kids , these skills from a young age to understand it's okay to not be okay if you feel angry, that's okay. But what isn't okay is the reaction and the trigger and the lash out. So what can you do about it? I love the work of the designs of regulation. So they talk about,, green zone and yellow zone and red zone. And blue zone as well, that's,, that's hyper arousal, but being able to really identify I've gone from green zone to yellow zone, what do I need to do to get back into green zone?, and whether it's for kids, whether it's for adults and it is why starting it young , is really powerful. And the more we can integrate it into our day to day lives, the easier it is, because we know that when those habits start to develop, they become, they just happen.

Tammy Afriat: 42:32

Do you know, it's funny. It just remind me that my little one, tend also to be really overwhelmed and grumpy . So I present him the green, red, and blue zone. And then at some point and he's three and a half. And so at some point I looked at him and I was like, it seems you are upset about something. And he was like, yeah, let me show you. And he grabbed this paper and showed me the red zone. And he was like, that's where I am.

Michelle Cole: 43:00

And how good, how amazing and how old is

Tammy Afriat: 43:03

Three and a half.

Michelle Cole: 43:05

at?

Tammy Afriat: 43:05

amazing. Yeah, it's amazing. Yeah, because it's just, instead of experiencing a meltdown and, you know, some kind of aggressive behavior, he has the way to communicate where he feels and you know, where he is at.

Michelle Cole: 43:22

Also, you know, self-esteem. Like knowing that he feels, that emotion isn't him. And I think, you know, there's many of us that have grown up thinking , that our emotions, you know, if I'm feeling angry, it's a bad thing. I judge myself for that. It's like, you know, there's actually no judgment with that. is a reason for that. And that's okay, but what am I gonna do to get myself outta it? You know, even when I see it in schools all the time, you have a lot of teachers who are very, very close to burnout and they're really, really stressed. And there's a lot of reactions. And it's like, what is your first step that you can do about it? because you can't necessarily change the system you're working in you can't change that big picture, but what can you change? What can you do every day so that you are able to regulate yourself? So when that triggers happening, what can you do? To help you be able to understand your emotions and yeah. Doing it with our kids is amazing. Your little, boy's really lucky that he's learning that so young

Tammy Afriat: 44:15

Well, I think we couldn't, we couldn't, proceed without it that's the truth,

Michelle Cole: 44:22

yeah,

Tammy Afriat: 44:23

but, , that was a great takeaway to understand that even this regulation is actually a habit. That's, that's a huge thing. And just before we wrap up, I wanna ask if you have anything else to.

Michelle Cole: 44:39

my biggest thing, I always say when I'm working with anyone is meet yourself and the kids you're working with, whether it's your own or whether it's students with kindness and understand that,, this work is often a journey. Behavior is always communication and even, feelings for ourselves, if you're feeling rubbish, Your body's telling you something. And so if you can tune in and create some space, what's it telling me that can be really powerful. Being able to make the time for this life is really busy. Schools are really busy. Parents are really busy. Kids are really busy, but I think for me, I'm really passionate that there's nothing else that's worth making more time for than this. And when we make time for this, all the other stuff thrives, you know, so whether it's in schools and, , making time to teach these skills, to our students, the English and maths will then flourish. The results will then,, they'll massively increase. And that's what I experienced when I was deputy principal in the UK with this work and same for families. If it feels like you're doing too much, if your kids are going to too many clubs, cut something out, we don't have to keep building and building and building., , just because their friends go to five different after school activities, if it suits your family to go to two and have, you know, two days where you do yoga at home or, just have some family connection time at the park, do that. So I think like being able to really listen and consult with your family, what you need would then help those habits to really meet your needs.

Tammy Afriat: 46:09

We got that. Well, thank you so much for such an informative, , conversation and also all the tools you gave us in terms of how to make it easier to establish new habits. So thank you so, so much.

Michelle Cole: 46:26

Pleasure.