When Every No Feels Like a Never: Understanding Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria

🎙 Episode #5: The Emotional Rollercoaster of RSD

Welcome back to another episode of the Neurolicious Podcast with Emily & Kylee! In this episode, we unravel the complexities of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)—a phenomenon that can make even the smallest perceived rejection feel like an emotional earthquake.

🔍 What’s Inside This Episode?

• What is RSD? We break down the symptoms, from intense emotional reactions to the lingering self-doubt that follows.
• Why is it so tough to navigate? Whether it’s avoiding social situations, overanalyzing interactions, or struggling with self-worth, RSD can feel like an invisible force shaping daily life.
• The ADHD & Autism Connection—why neurodivergent individuals often experience RSD more intensely.
• Real-life scenarios—ever felt like a casual comment ruined your whole day? We explore how RSD can amplify emotional responses.
• Coping strategies—from self-awareness to practical tools, we discuss ways to manage the emotional waves of RSD.

💡 Why You Should Listen:
 If you’ve ever felt like rejection hits harder than it should, this episode is for you. Emily & Kylee bring insight, humor, and real talk to help you understand and navigate RSD with confidence.

🎧 Tune in now and let’s unpack the emotional whirlwind together!

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:01

Hello friends, welcome to the Neuralicious podcast. This is a space where we can talk openly about parenting neurodiverse kids. I'm Emily, founder and director of Mammal Road, an NDIS registered autism specific service. I'm also the mum of three kids and my eldest has a ton of neuro spice. And I'm Kylie, I'm a paediatric occupational therapist who has a special interest in ADHD, autism and building connection with kids who don't really seem to like anyone. We are the Brainstrust you need. And we hope the Neurolicious podcast helps you learn a few things and feel not so alone. So settle in for another episode on Neurolicious. Hi, I'm Emily. And I'm Kylie. Welcome back to the Neurolicious podcast, where we talk about everything related to our neurodiverse world. So today is a juicy one. I've brought the topic to the table and it's rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Or from this point forward, RSD. RSD is when you experience severe emotional pain because of failure or feeling rejected. It can be genetic. And although it is acknowledged by medical professionals, it is not officially recognized in the DSM-5 yet, which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It's linked to ADHD, which is where I come into it. Yes, yeah. But one of the main things about rejection sensitivity dysphoria is when something happens that could be seen as not significant or it could be quite significant and you ruminate over it for days, you ruminate over those perceived slights or criticism and it makes you really sensitive to like, passive-aggressive criticism because you go, oh, that was passive-aggressive. So I'm not actually allowed to respond to that in an appropriate way. Super hard. And if you call someone out on it, then you're being neurotic. But it's like, what do you mean by that? Yeah. So when you say small things, just like could you give us just two examples of like a– Small insignificant things would be– Oh, and I am quite hyper aware to body language. Okay. So, like, if my husband gets home and walks straight to the dishwasher and opens it and it's not empty and he shuts it, it's like. Oh, my goodness. I mean, come on. That is a crime. That should be like a punishable crime. Dishwasher's not done. And it's like, oh. Do you feel like you have to defend yourself then? Be like, hey, mate. Can I go into fight? Yeah, yeah. Can I run through my day? Yeah. Because I haven't had a lot of time. It's not on the top of my list. It's not like. I think I need to have to have a word with your husband. Yeah, please. I'm sure you've had many words with him. Just be like, I don't even know what you're talking about. But yeah, so that one's quite. I see. That's a really good example, that one, because I think a lot of people would understand that and resonate with that because that's a real subtle body language. He hasn't even said anything, but you knew exactly what he meant. And that is a great example. Yes. Great. Thank you. Yeah. And because for me, we were just talking about cognitive load, I'm quite forgetful. And people that don't get it think that I don't care if I forget something. Right. I always forget, like out of sight, out of mind, bit nine. Okay. So if I don't do it as soon as it pops into my head, there's no coming back or I'm not remembering. No, that's a tricky one. And I've missed it many times. Yeah. Have you done the mad dash out to hear the truck? I usually hear the truck and it's too late. They're gone. Yeah, because you kind of have a long driveway, like you're out of town a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, when I miss it, then I would ruminate on it. Like, how hard is it? Everybody else remembers to put the bin out and you can't remember to put the bin out. And then you go into like this whole self-loathing. Oh, a spiral. Yeah. And you try to sort of justify it to the person, which then can become across as you're trying to be manipulative or... Oh, my goodness. You're just trying to plead your case of I'm not doing this... On purpose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just on that, just on the forgetful thing, I know you mentioned the bins, but how do you go with remembering, for example, your siblings' kids' birthdays or like friends' kids' birthdays or just birthdays? You know how sometimes people, right? Yes, so bad. I feel this is like splitting the world in half. I do want to just put the caveat in that I can't speak to anybody else's experience. Sure. Yeah. So this is just my experience. But if I'm not looking, like when I worked, it was easier because I saw the date every day. Yes. Yeah. Got you. Sorry, I work now, but I'm not looking at a computer all day, every day. So when I was at like the dental surgery, I was in a calendar all day. So it was easier for me to go, oh, that's the date. Yes. Now, I wouldn't know. No. What the day is, really. But I also have this thing where, like I know for kids and stuff, birthdays are really important. But I kind of have this feeling of like we're literally celebrating being born. Right. But you did nothing. It's not about you. I feel like your mum needs some flowers. Yeah, shout out to the mums. Maybe we should start a new thing. If you acknowledge anyone, it's the mum first. I always do. The kids are the fastest. I'm always like, happy birthday to blah, blah. And happy birthing day to your mum. Yeah, yeah. Well, we've both got three kids, so that's enough. We get lots of recognition. But again, if we circle back to the RSD, my thought in that is that I'm a bit shit. Me going, happy birthday, but I'm not going to be crucified for forgetting your birthday. Got you. Because it means a lot to you. Yeah, yes, yeah. So I've always gone, oh, you're a bit rubbish because you don't remember. And you just go very inward. This is fascinating. I feel like this is a topic that we really need to explore because of the intersection between ADHD. And you mentioned that a number of people with a diagnosis of ADHD also have RSD. But I wanted to just explore the fact that most people have experienced some kind of disappointment or that feeling of rejection or like, oh my God, I did the wrong thing. Like they might've done badly in a job interview or thought they did, or they might have been dumped by someone or in a social setting, someone might've like walked away from them. But I just, for the people with RSD and I just want to really do a deep dive here to say the feelings of rejection just are so pervasive. So they're not fleeting. They stick with you. Yeah. And they don't just feel disappointed. It's like a devastation. Yes. Or like a personal flaw. And so I guess that rejection sensitivity, that's the difference between someone just going, oh, I met someone at that dinner and they didn't like my conversation. They walked away. Oh, well, next time I'll. I might talk to someone else. Leave it at that. Whereas people with RSD will vacillate. They'll go over that conversation for weeks and feel like they really. How could I have done it then? Yeah. Which I think then brings in the performative side of ADHD and how we've always got to be on. We've got to be the best version of ourselves and super entertaining and funny and like. That's exhausting. Yeah. And I find that I need to be really measured in my interactions with people and I show little bits of myself and then I generally will find that I go too far and that's when someone will put me back in my place and I'll just come crashing down. I did see like there was one explanation on the interweb that said, uncontrollable emotional meltdowns over minor interpersonal incidents. Oh, great definition. So true because it's like when I go through it, I want to burn everything to the ground, pushing people away, isolating, quitting your job, sabotaging relationships so that you aren't told that they don't want you. Yes. That's really devastating. The impact of that is huge. Yeah. And then also it comes to like, almost obsessing over mending the broken thing so that then you can go, I don't want you anyway. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's on my terms. Yeah. I've made this choice. That's really complex and it can lead to that breakdown in lots of relationships. And even in terms of access to community spaces and things like jobs as well because, like you said, I'm choosing never to do that again. Yeah. And you might not have a job. And that's really tricky. Yeah. Yeah. So I think with that job interview, I think that's probably something that people can relate to. If they did go for a job and not get it, they might start thinking, I didn't get this job. It means I'm not good enough. There's something wrong with me rather than going at that moment. Look, it wasn't the right job for me. Possibly we weren't a great fit, but I still love this. So I'm going to come at it at a different angle and you move on. Whereas that experience could sever that person's attempts to go for a job or even in that industry as well, which is so devastating. I feel like this is the healthy way to think about it. Like when you go for an interview and you either really love the idea of the job or the vibes are off, if you don't get the job going... It's not personal on me. It's not personal on the job. We just don't have the right fit. Yes. It would be a healthy way of looking at it. Yes, exactly. And take it in this stride and go and try again. Yeah. Where I would probably go, I didn't get the job. I need to change to fit that model. So you mask. You mask again. Yeah. Yeah. And, like, I'll be who you want me to be to fit that. into this job, which you can do, but you can't do it long term. No, no. It's a temporary thing, isn't it? If you don't have the right people around you, it kind of just keeps getting reinforced. So when you say that, I can see that. And I've had this conversation about having a supportive person or people around you. Yeah. When you have that conversation, you come home and you say the job interview is really tricky and they said I'm not the right fit. Yeah. And I feel like I said all these wrong things. You really need somebody around to say, well, like, I guess to look at it a bit more objectively and to help you in that moment to say, well, it's, you know, we can talk about it. Do you want to tell me how it went? How can I support you through this situation? And it's also different at different times, which makes it really hard. Like some days you might need the tough love and some days you need the soft place to land.

UNKNOWN: 11:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 11:51

You walk in and you go, oh, I did this or I shanked this or blah, blah, blah. And to have someone go, I think you're great. Yeah. Could just be enough that you go, oh, okay. Right. There's nothing that fills my cup more than being with people that get me. Yeah. And accept me warts and all. Are you feeling that I've gone through a lot of RSD? I feel it. I reckon the listeners are going to be picking up on this as well. I'm like a puddle of. whatever. Yeah. But now you've got like, whatever, I think we've got, you know, like 10,000 listeners or whatever, but then you've got all of them now going, we're on team Kylie. We get what you mean. And there's all these people that have asked us to sort of delve into this topic and you're experiencing it. It's real and it's a lot and it's heavy and it's lonely. Yeah. Yeah. Like in that, you don't want someone, having to put up with your shit all the time. And don't get me wrong, I'm not always this slow. It's, again, when you allow yourself to sit and wallow in it. But also you've been busy at work, family, so maybe your tolerance for things drops. And I guess that's something that other people could be mindful of as well, that it's for everyone, like be bloody kind. It's a tricky time. Absolutely. I have had elements of what you're describing with this disorder, but I don't think I'm nowhere near able to say that I have it. So for someone that doesn't, I've had to do a lot of reading about this before the pod. And I got a list of things that people with RSD might experience. So I thought I'd just read them out because, hey, it's interesting. I think it's a good idea. Yeah. So misinterpreting or slower delayed response as a blatant rejection. I mean, that's just so hard. Being left on read. Yeah, right. Text messages. Immediately I go, they hate me. Oh, Kyle's. Oh, my goodness. All right. It was funny and engaging. Yeah, yeah. I'm good. Do I respond? You are very good. Yes. You are very good. Then when you go to the person and go, I really need you to message me back. Yeah, yeah. They're like, whoa, you're very intense. Like, I don't need to respond straight away. Yeah. chill yeah but it's like it's actually a core belief in me that yeah I'm a lot and I'm too much and that you want me to dissolve that's really tricky maybe one time with with those friends or with people we could bring it up as a joke like I know it sounds stupid but I just love when people give me the thumbs up to my messages I know everyone's busy but surely everyone can do that like as a joke and that's a bit of like a subtle message to say I know you're busy but But just a quick thumbs up would make me feel like I've been heard. But also it's like if you reach out to somebody and maybe you are just a little bit on their wavelength at the moment so you're really feeling them. Yeah. And so you're messaging and like, how are you? And they write back, busy. So when you say that you're busy, it makes me think, Well, I have time to message you so I mustn't be busy. Whoa. She's so busy. I go, don't get the bare minimum done at home. Yeah. And it's all my stuff. It's nothing to do with the other person. No, no, no. But it's like the storm of chaos that's going on inside me. Yes. I tend to do that when I say, look, I can't– great, thanks– I'm just busy. Well, I'm not busy. I just said it. I'm just at a job right now. Later on when the kids are asleep, I'll text back. And then that will be acknowledged. After you say, I'm good. Yes. I'm good. I don't like things not being said. Say the quiet stuff out loud. Yeah, that's good advice. Get back to your life. Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to interrupt everything. Exactly. Yeah, podcasting with Kylie, it's a thing. All right. Okay. Assume that feedback from an employer means you're about to be fired. Oh, my goodness. I mean, that's fraught with a whole bunch of issues. I get feedback. I have to put a disclaimer in. Ah, okay. So, Emily is my boss in our other days. I better watch out. If you need to give me feedback, I would have to put in the disclaimer before. Tell me exactly what you want to tell me. Yeah. But I will cry. It's just what my body does. Yeah. Don't worry about it. Like, just ignore it. Yeah. Because it does come across as a little bit manipulative. But I really have no control. I just really. Yeah. It's like. Yeah, because you try. Like, you're really good at your job, by the way. Thanks. Just a side note. But. You do, you're conscientious. So I can imagine that's part of it. Like you genuinely are trying very hard. And I think that that probably comes into this where people are doing their best and they probably like, I'm doing my best. And, but I think also there's good ways of giving feedback as well. Yes. I think that maybe bosses just need to look at that a little bit better. There's always a different way to do it. And you are very good at giving feedback too. Even if I have like harebrained ideas, you're like, that's great. We're going to put a pin in that. No, never, never, never. Back to that. Okay. So believe that you're being dropped as a friend if an invitation is turned down. So that's a big one. I wonder if that's like an informal invitation. Like, hey, do you want to come for a walk with me or come for a wine with me? And they're like, oh, look, I'm busy tonight. Sorry. Is that like the friendship is over? I can't, I don't have a friend anymore. Or do you feel like it's more of a bigger thing? Like I'm having a 40th birthday and you invite someone and they say, look, I am going to see my parents. And you're like, oh, I thought you would have chosen me over them. know if that one actually resonates with me so much because if you ask my friends i'm the flake okay i'm a flake yeah i come into it saying it like i don't mean to be but um i just know that if i'm not feeling it i'm not going to be the best version of myself got it so it's better that i don't come and and your do your friends know that though i come in going i'm a flake if the vibes are off i'm not coming okay yeah and so Some of my friends are really good at pushing me. Okay, so they want you to come anyway and you can sit in wherever you want to sit and do what you want to do. We'd love to see you in any capacity. Last week, I got the last mark for my uni back and it was not a good mark. I just totally not understood the assignment and I spiraled. I rang the head of the discipline and I'm like, Please give me another chance to resubmit this. And they're like, no, you know, you've still passed. You're still getting a transcript. You're still going to be an OT. It doesn't matter. And I'm like, no, no, it matters to me. Yeah. I've misunderstood this assignment quite clearly. Please give me another chance. And they're like, nope, sorry, you don't get another chance. Okay. And I unraveled. Like I'm talking, sobbing, panic attack, just could not accept that. I wasn't going to get a chance to rectify this. Yeah. And I was meant to go to broke for four days with the girls that I went to uni with. I'm like, I don't want to come in because I don't want to celebrate. Anyway, one of the girls, shout out to all of the girls, do you know who you are, was like, I'm going to call you tomorrow. You take today. Yeah. That's fine. If you can't come for the weekend, I understand. I'm going to call you tomorrow and make sure you're okay. Okay. I'm not going. Yeah. Again, burn it down. Yeah, burn it down, yeah. My life is over. I have no friends. Leave me alone. And then at 3 o'clock she rang and she's gone. I've given you all day. Pack a bag while you are wearing what you currently have on for the four days. Okay. You are coming. But I will not let you waste these four days over something that is not as significant as you feel like it is. Yeah. And I went on Thursday night. And it was fine. And I had a great time and it was an awesome weekend and it was great. Yeah. So she kind of planted the seed that you could do it. You're coming and you're capable of coming and we're going to be supportive and you have your time to cry beforehand. But this has happened. Oh, I love that. Yeah. I love her. Yeah. She's a great OT. She's a very good OT, yes. And then when I got there, I guess because we were all OTs as well, It was very good in the give and take of like them knowing that I was quite fragile but also not tolerating, I guess. Yeah. No, that's great. I love that. That's a really great example of being a good friend. Yes. Yeah. And the fact that she did continue to check in in a really kind way. Yeah. And it was not judgy. It was saying the quiet bit out loud very clearly and showing support. Yeah. And also not making it. About her. Yeah. Immediately assume you're about to break up if a love interest wants to talk. Like, I want to talk. Can we have a talk? Oh, yeah. Do you think it's done? Like, they're breaking up. Like, what? I've not dated. Like, I've been married for so long. So, I don't even know anything about that. So, maybe some of the Neuralicious peeps can jump onto our Facebook page and talk to us about what that means to them if they're partner. How do you react to that? Like, if they go… I need to talk. Is that like walls up? Yeah. Don't answer my phone. I'm done. Like change your number. Go dark. Okay. Because we are not the people that we've been married and are boring for so long. Okay. Oh, here's a birthday one. Feel distressed about whether people are going to call you on your birthday. Like whether people are going to call you. Yeah. Whether that's a thing. No. Not for me. Okay.

UNKNOWN: 22:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 22:02

But I do reserve the right to be irritated if you don't. Okay, yeah, fair. But I am quite an optimistic person in that I give people the benefit of the doubt. Yeah, I do as well. Okay, and then feel physical pain in response to feelings of rejection. So I think that physical, not just a cognitive thing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've heard that some people get like a back pain, like a sore back. Sometimes kids mention that with sensory sensitivity as well. But with this, that's come up a bit as well. And then also continual reassurance of friendships or relationships. So sometimes people might need actual indicators that they still are friends with people. Yeah. It's difficult to gauge whether they still want to be your friend sometimes. Yeah. Unless they really say the quiet bit out loud, you know, and make it clear. And I think a lot of people don't get me because I do like to have that conversation. Like if this isn't going anywhere, that's great. Just tell me. Yeah. Yeah. I know you like the honesty. You like to just be told. I like to know where I stand. If I'm not your person, that's fine. I feel like I want to do a poll. Yeah. About this. Yeah. On the Facebook page about whether people like it, hear it straight up. Yeah. Like, this, I don't think we're a good friendship. Yeah. Pair. Yeah. Or if you prefer, like, the ghosting, like, just never call me ever again. Ghosting is fine if you're both on the same page. Okay. Not if one's. In the conversation. But if, like, someone's, like. Messaging another person. Constantly messaging you. Mm. And you just, like, go dark.

UNKNOWN: 23:43

Mm.

SPEAKER_00: 23:44

Yeah, yeah, it's cruel. But also there is no way that I'd be turning down someone that's like knocking down a door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They really like me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also I guess not ghosting but I think maybe so if somebody maybe is not super keen on being in a friendship with someone but they kind of pretend to be and you can pick up on that they're not that great, like they're not so into you, would you prefer just to be told or just for them to muddle on kind of pretending? To say, like, I did something to you and you're annoyed at me, I do not like being, like, frozen out or silent treatment. Right. Yeah. That's when I'll get, like, a tap moment. Like, what have I done? Yeah, yeah. And this lets you know nothing. Because actually what I've done is quite petty and there's not a real reason to have a fight about it. They just want to teach you a little subconscious lesson. But that could be the other instinct. You know. Yeah. Well, this says blow up and become enraged if there's any insinuation of rejection. Yeah. Like a really out of the normal range of emotional reaction to the insinuation of rejection. Yeah. So in that case that you said, like if I did something to you, for example, or you did something to me, sorry, and I was annoyed. Yes. Would you prefer if I just said, hey, Kyle, look, Actually, I was really disappointed that when we went to the dinner that you bought 45 cocktails and I didn't drink and I paid for the total. Yes. We could have shared and split the bill maybe or something like that. I need to be given the opportunity to mend it. Okay. By like, oh my gosh, I didn't even realize. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Can I write you a check? Can I transfer you the money? Yeah. Or can I shout you out for dinner next time? Right. Yeah. It's really hard. No, no, no, I don't care. I don't care. I'm just letting you know. Well, you do care because you've let me know. So let me fix it now. For me in particular, oh my God, I can't believe we're going to post this because I sound so neurotic. But for me, very rarely do I do anything with the intention to cause pain. Yeah, I think that's the true thing. I think it's not a deliberate, it's not a, cognitive deliberate thing. And I guess coming back to the next point that I wanted to raise, this is an actual diagnosable disorder as in they do brain scans between people with RSD and without it. And there's a difference in the part of the brain that does have response to rejection. They do a questionnaire and a brain scan and the differences are significant. So It is a diagnosable disorder. So it's not just somebody going, I'm just going to be annoyed at everyone or I feel cranky or I'm always disappointed or whatever. I think it's really valid and I think that it's something that people, hopefully this starts a conversation with people and friendships and marriages where you can go, oh, now I understand a bit more about you. But also the other thing is that if you did something to me And I come to you and I said, when you did this, it made me feel this way. And you respond by going, don't be stupid. That is not how, you know, that's not how I meant it. And you're silly for feeling that way. That just causes damage. Yeah. And that's going to make communication in the future. really difficult because I'm just going to stop talking about it. I think that's really interesting. I'm really interested to sort of circle back on this in a little while. Yeah, exactly. I did ask a neurodiverse friend or neurodivergent friend of mine about her experience of RSD and she wrote– She definitely fears rejection, which is why she now thinks she's a people pleaser. It's getting easier as I get older and more comfortable in my own skin and understanding more about myself. The people pleaser thing is really complex, isn't it? Because it is that masking and trying to be somebody that is not your authentic self. But for very valid reasons, I understand why people do do it because they're in the world where there's all these norms that are expected, it is difficult for some people to then say, well, that's, thank you, respectfully say that's not me. Yes. I am this other person. Yeah. And I'm going to stand on my own here. And that's a really tricky thing. So I do, that's a, I love that sentence though. And I reckon there's lots of people that are listening that will have similar sort of experiences. And if you could just sum it up in a phrase, like that phrase is awesome. So what, does this mean to you? Or what have you experienced? Even better, how do you want people to communicate with you? So I think that's really fascinating and we'll be on the Facebook page to watch that. We're going to wrap it up. It was so lovely to be here with you guys this week and we can't wait to be in your ears next week. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Be very kind. Yeah. Thanks for joining us on the Neuralicious Podcast. If you've enjoyed this conversation and want to find out more, head to the Mumble Road Facebook page where we share moments from the podcast and so much more. Black stories you can relate to. And we'll ask you, the Neuralicious community, how things Until next time, be kind to yourself.