Ep. 111: Client Story -- Melissa + Lance (Single to Newlyweds)

What's it like to go from charting for health as a single woman to charting with your new spouse for family planning? Client Melissa, and her new husband, Lance, join me for today's episode to share what their experience has been like! Melissa and Lance are transparent about the beauty and the struggle they've encountered, along with how God has shown up through their Creighton use along the way. Whether you are single and charting for health, engaged and trying to figure out how to bring this topic up, or married and using a natural method to plan your family, you will benefit from hearing Melissa and Lance share their experience. Remember, you are not alone as you walk your journey! There are other couples out there navigating the same questions and concerns that you are! Hopefully this episode helps you experience that community, even from afar. 

NOTE: This episode makes reference to identifying times of infertility for intercourse.  

Interested in learning about fertility awareness based methods, or specifically the Creighton Model System? You're in the right place! 

• Register for Creighton Introductory Session: Register here for our next Introductory Session

Looking for ways to implement fertility awareness into your life and faith? Check out out most helpful resources: 

• Substack Newsletter (free)
• Website Resources (free)

Transcript

Caitlin: 0:06

Welcome to the Woven Well podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Estes. I'm a certified fertility care practitioner with a master divinity degree. Each episode will cover a topic that helps educate and empower you and your fertility while honoring the deep connection your fertility has with your faith. Let's get started. Welcome back to the Woven Well Podcast. I am thrilled to share another client story with you all today, but this time with another client couple who's working with Woven Natural Fertility Care. Whatever situation or fertility goal you have, the fertility journey can often feel isolating, but I assure you that there is a whole community out there asking the same questions that you are. Melissa and Lance are one of those couples. They've been working with me as a couple for about a year, maybe a little bit less, but I began working with Melissa several years ago as she was charting and prioritizing her reproductive health as a single woman. So now they live outside of Nashville, they have a dog, they enjoy traveling and the good board game, as do I. Melissa and Lance, welcome to Woven Well.

Melissa: 1:17

Thanks Caitlin. Yeah , excited to be here

Lance: 1:19

Thanks for having us.

Caitlin: 1:21

Yeah, I'm so glad to have you both. Why don't we get started by you telling us a little bit about yourself, like maybe how you met, how long you've been married, anything you'd like to share.

Lance: 1:30

So we met on a dating app, like most people our age do. And so yeah, we knew pretty, pretty early on that we were both serious. You know, we were both looking for a marriage. We weren't just looking for somebody to date. And that was what, about two years ago to the day? Almost? Yeah. And then about a year into our relationship , we got engaged. So we got engaged last February in Costa Rica, and then, so fun. Yeah, it was fantastic. And then we got married this past September, so we've been married for about four months.

Caitlin: 2:15

Ah , congrats

Melissa: 2:16

Thanks. It's been great. Highly recommend marriage.

Caitlin: 2:21

Yes, we've definitely pro marriage. Love, love a good marriage. That's awesome. Well, as I mentioned, I've worked with you, Melissa, for long before you all even met. So Melissa, why don't you share why you were pursuing and valuing cycle charting long before you were engaged or thinking anything about family planning?

Melissa: 2:44

Sure. Yeah. So , really a lot of it stems from being a practicing Catholic. And so I've never been on birth control , and, you know, had very heavy periods, a lot of PMS symptoms and was just looking for some answers around that. My mom had similar thing and I just thought, you know, there's no way this is how it's supposed to be. And so , started with more of a basic kind of charting app. And then , it was really through just a doctor not really listening to me. I had kind of self-diagnosed low progesterone, and so went to my OBGYN was told that they don't put people on progesterone until after they've had a miscarriage, which was just absolutely shocking , and it made me just so, so sad. And so I found a new OBGYN who really listened to me and got connected with you, and it really just stemmed from , you know, I had to find a lot of my own research and then. I love that charting just tells you so much about your body and really confirmed for me what I thought was the case. And it ended up being the case. And so I've been able to kind of, you know, improve that and , yeah, have loved it ever since.

Caitlin: 4:07

Hmm . One of my favorite aspects of that is that even though your mom had something similar, you just felt that certainly this couldn't be how it was supposed to be, and so you went on your own path looking for answers and looking for resources. I think that generations past and even a large part of the current generation , they're not being given options. They're not given resources. They don't know. And so that's one of the reasons we have our organization. One of the reasons we have this podcast is to get that information out there. And I find a lot of times it's through friends telling, friends, women telling other women about these resources. So I love that you went on that investigation yourself and you really prioritized yourself and said, ah , my health and my overall quality of life doesn't just matter if I'm trying to get pregnant or if I've had a miscarriage. It matters right now, even as at the time you were a single woman. I completely agree with you. Okay, so Lance, I am so interested, you know, when did you first learn that Melissa was charting her cycles? Like, what'd you think about that? What went through your mind?

Lance: 5:24

It was all very new to me. So, we were discussing, I can't remember exactly when she first brought it up, but I was like, I have no idea what this is. I've never seen any of this before. But you know, it was clear to see that like she had done a lot of leg work . She had really honed in and, you know, she seemed very confident in what she was doing and knowing that like, Hey, these were her indicators and this is what, you know , this is what a like fertile mucus day looks like. And she, she could explain a lot to me and I , it took me a while , but I was like, I am not sure I get all of this, but you seem to know what you're talking about. So I was like, I can get on board eventually. It was all new to me. And so it took a while to kind of figure it out and say, okay, hey, you know, I kinda understand what's going on.

Caitlin: 6:19

That's so fair by the way, you know, why would you have needed to know any of that before and especially to know it on such a deep level? You know, like Melissa mentioned earlier, she started out as sort of a simple understanding and then she went even deeper with it. So by the time you all met, gosh, she had such a deep understanding of her cycle, her health, her hormones, and it sounds like maybe it was a little bit overwhelming, but also a little bit comforting that she knew so much at the same time. Like, I think that's a fair balance to have both of those thoughts and feelings happening simultaneously. So I think that's very fair. Okay, so then you're dating and then you're engaged and now you're married. So either one of you can answer this or you can talk about it together, but how has Melissa's decision to understand and chart her cycles changed or benefited your overall marriage? Obviously at this point it's a decision you're making together, but it certainly initiated with her. What's that been like for your marriage?

Melissa: 7:25

Yeah, it's been, it's been really great. I think one of the things that we made sure to do kind of through dating and through our engagement was, you know, once the initial shock of like--what are these stickers and why do you, you know, have to make observations every day--wore off. We started looking at, at that time we were on a paper chart, and so we started; I started teaching him how to use the system and understand what it was telling us. Not only about fertility, but also like deeper than that, especially as someone with really low progesterone , because that affects, you know, mood, energy level, all of the things. I cycle sync my exercise and we like to exercise together. So kind of why the deeper why behind a lot of kind of the decisions or the way I'm acting on a day-to-day basis. And I think that has brought so much transparency to our marriage. I think one of the things that I really appreciate is now we utilize the app more often just because he travels for work and so we can both see. And so now I make the observations, but Lance actually does the charting. And so I think from a, from a transparency standpoint, that has been really beautiful. Because I think he'll take the initiative and look at the chart and he'll see, oh, like this is a time where, you know, her progesterone's usually really low. And so, like, I think he, and maybe you could explain that a little bit better than I can, but I feel like he loves me differently. You know, like he tries to like do do things for me at certain times in my cycle just because he knows that like, you know, I might feel really overwhelmed a nd if I have really l ow progesterone at the end of my cycle. But I also think it has taken a lot of pressure off, you know, as a couple, you know, he doesn't ever have to always ask me like, can we be together tonight? He can look and see. And so he's not putting the responsibility on me to always be like, no or yes based on the decisions that we make around if we're ready to start a family or not. So that's something I think has been really, really helpful about charting, is just the transparency it brings and kind of how we choose to utilize it in that regard.

Caitlin: 9:54

Hmm . I love that so much. I love the joint effort there, the investment on both sides. Lance, I love that you wanted to learn it and that you did learn it. Melissa, I love that you taught him and explained how things worked and you found a way by using the app, the Creighton app, instead of the paper chart. You found a way that you could both keep up a routine where you're both invested in both participating in it on a daily basis. Because even though you started Melissa using it on your own as a single woman, now that you're using it for fertility purposes , in addition to health purposes, it becomes a joint thing. I mean , now you're both involved in this , and you know, in our world, most methods of contraception or birth control or anything are female centered. You know, everything is on her. And this is a totally , totally radically different way of approaching it, that we're in this together, we approach it together. Sometimes it's difficult, sometimes it's hard to understand or we have to talk about it together, but that gives you even more confidence and comfort because it's not on your shoulders alone or one of your shoulders alone, but it really is a team approach to it. So I I love that so much.

Lance: 11:11

It definitely adds like another layer of like connection and knowing like where she's at, what she's going through, and also, you know, definitely the, like knowing in my head like, okay, hey, if we're trying to avoid pregnancy, like which day , like I can look at the chart and know, okay, hey, today it's , it's not on the table and I don't even have to like ask her and then have her reject me. And so I , I think for like both of us, that helps a lot.

Caitlin: 11:39

Yes, absolutely. And I think that would be true for absolutely every marriage. Instead of feeling like there is that rejection or gatekeeping, you know, like one person has to say if it's possible or not, and the other person never really knows, and do they want to take a chance and be rejected? It's not that at all. Instead it's together making that decision and having that open flexibility. You know, as long as you're avoiding pregnancy, then you're choosing not to be together on days of fertility, but also it's your marriage, it's your fertility. So you all can decide when you want to be together and not. And getting to celebrate that flexibility together, I think, is another great benefit. I love that you mentioned that as well. So one of the things that I've loved about working with Melissa over the years is how open she is about her faith and how she sees God being so present in her reproductive health specifically, like bringing up those kind of conversations, talking about those topics--I love so much because I do think that fertility is one of those broader topics that stirs up a lot of things and a lot of places where God wants to come in and restore and heal and love. And so I'm curious to hear how God has shown up in your choice to use a system like Creighton in your marriage.

Lance: 13:03

So it it's definitely , we've come to rely and trust in the Lord a lot more. You know, right at the beginning of the marriage some things were different, and so it took a lot of ,

Melissa: 13:18

A double peak . Y'all, you will have a double peak wedding week.

Caitlin: 13:22

If you know, you know.

Melissa: 13:23

Yeah.

Lance: 13:24

You know , so it, it took a lot of trusting , and in ways that, you know, we hadn't had to trust in the Lord yet. But you know, he's, he's faithful. He is always going to show up. He is always going to, you know, he's got a plan for us and he is got a plan for everybody. And so I think there was this definitely an element of like control, and Melissa's like, I want to be able to control it. And it's like, okay, well sometimes you have to let that go and you have to give that up and say, okay, I'm not always a hundred percent in control. And, you know, we both had to be accepting with like, okay, we have to leave this in God's hand to a certain extent.

Melissa: 14:05

Yeah. I think one of the things that was so beautiful to me after the fact, after my absolute panic was just the way that God just gently shows you things in like the midst of , you know, what feels like maybe stress, or I think he just helped me to see that the ways that I try; I've, you know, I've learned the system and I didn't realize how I'd kind of turned knowing the system into, okay, well that means that I have control over it, which is, you know, to some extent you need , you absolutely have some control over it. Like that's why knowing you have the system, you make choices. But it was just such a beautiful way for God to share that, you know, I still need to trust him and not utilize my like intellectual interest in this area as like a mechanism of control. You know, you can say with your head that you trust God , and you can believe that you believe it in your heart, but it's not until you're actually in a situation where you have to relinquish control that that can be true. And so I think it was just a beautiful moment for me to realize that, you know, I have open hands to God in so many different areas, but I have these small, small areas where I still like have a closed fist and God's just like gently trying to open my hands in those ways. And so I really, I think ever since we like had that moment where I had not seen that in my chart before and we made decisions based on that, I've gained a lot of appreciation for the system and I feel like my approach to it is so much more gentle now and so much different. And rather than using it as like a mechanism of control.

Caitlin: 16:10

So beautifully said, I think that we are all so tempted by control in different areas of life, but especially when it comes to fertility and the possibility of a pregnancy , or the possibility of not being able to conceive. For couples who want to, I mean, either way it's such a vulnerable area and we're sort of indirectly taught in our world, subconsciously taught, that the more control the better. But God, as you said, gently reveals to us that ultimate trust in God, the more trust in God, the better. We don't necessarily have control, we have a say. And that is mind blowing in the fact that God would give us a say in bringing about the conception and birth of an eternal soul. Like that we would have a say in it is wild, but God gives us that good gift. But there's a difference between having a say and having the say and knowing that that is not on our shoulders, but that that belongs to God, the Creator of all life. Oh my gosh. Such a relief to know that we can trust God with that decision , as we contribute by making decisions that we feel like God is leading us in. So I, I love that you all are so willing to share that experience and how God met you in that because it was difficult, it was scary, it was put you into sort of a whirlwind for a minute there, but God is in the whirlwind. He showed up for you and you both have said that you grew, you are, that God met you in that place, and that you feel like you've learned even more about God and your decisions and your fertility and all those things through the process. So I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing that. And I know there are a lot of people listening who will be encouraged by hearing that too. So you guys, this has been so, so good and I would, I almost like, man, we need to do episode two, like, keep talking about this stuff. But it's so great. But thank you so much for being on the show, for sharing your experience. Like I said, I know there are a lot of couples who'll be grateful.

Melissa: 18:34

Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for, thanks for having us, Caitlin.

Lance: 18:37

Yeah, thanks for having us. It's been a pleasure.

Caitlin: 18:40

Absolutely. Well , listeners, our Woven community is made up of some pretty incredible people. We ask honest questions of our fertility and our faith. We believe that our bodies were made with beauty and purpose, that we are intimately designed and loved by our Creator, and that our fertility plays a meaningful role in our lives. We believe this matters for all of us, regardless of our marital status or pregnancy intentions. And I would love for you to be a part of that community. One of those ways to do that is by joining one of our upcoming Creighton introductory sessions. So you'd be learning the Creighton system just like Melissa did. And you can learn that with myself. I'm a certified fertility care practitioner, and it gives you a great overview of what the system is, how your body works, and helps you decide if this is the path you want to walk or not. So make sure to look in the show notes for a link to join our next introductory session. As always, thanks so much for listening as we continue to explore together what it means to be woven well.