Michelynn Touesnard: Cancer, Courage & The Booty Brigade

On this episode of A Chat With Heart, Christina sits down with the incredible Michelynn Touesnard for an honest, funny, emotional, and deeply human conversation about living with stage four colorectal cancer.

Together they talk about ostomies, de-stigmatizing illness, mental health, community support, and finding joy even in the hardest moments. A beautiful reminder that vulnerability, laughter, and connection still matter - especially now.

• Support Michelynn's Battle with CRC on gofundme
• Support our team 'Booty Brigade' for the Halifax Bum Rum

Transcript

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Christina (00:00.238)
Hi, welcome to a chat with heart podcast. I'm your host, Christina Martin. I'm a singer songwriter. I live on a dirt road in rural Nova Scotia with my best friend, Dale, and our Calico cat, Olivia. This podcast is totally just a chill chat with her. As soon as you tune in here, I consider you one of my little heartbeat listeners. I love sharing these personal stories and recording these episodes are great practice for me to try and calm the fuck down.

and just be myself.

could shine, we could break a dark day If we just talk about love

Christina (00:56.802)
Welcome for the first time. Welcome back to a Chat with Heart podcast. I don't know why said it like that, I needed to take a breath. I have been battling, I guess it's now week two of just like, you ever get those super mild, like it's like a cold or something but...

Not complaining, just stating this is why my voice might sound so low and I have to take more breaths before sentences, between sentences. Anyway, welcome back. Before we jump into today's conversation, a couple quick things. If you're on Prince Edward Island on May 29th, come see us perform. Dale and I will be at the Summerside Shipyard for what's going to be a beautiful, intimate night of s—

Songs and stories by the water. I shouldn't, I mean, I'm expecting it to be a beautiful intimate night. And yeah, I'll be singing my songs. Dale will be singing and playing guitar with me. And all the details are on my website, christinamartin.net if you want to get tickets. We don't have any other shows coming up. That's it for a while.

It's weird to say, I was talking with my friend Allie the other day about this, I mean, will have shows, I just don't know when. And that's a first for me in probably 20 years or so. I used to panic like months in advance if I saw an empty calendar and I've really been trying to lean into this, let things come to you, you know, so...

I'm not totally freaking out. But yeah, it's weird. But also my nervous system loves not having something on the calendar. It's so nice. Yeah, so it's a little break. And I'm excited to know what the next show will be. I just don't have one after May 29th. So come see us on Prince of Rhode Island if you're in Atlantic Canada. It's a great food.

Christina (03:13.142)
It looks like great food. I'm going for the food and I have to stay for the job of singing, but I love singing, so it's all good. And also, this coming Saturday, May 24th, we're doing, Dale and I are doing the bum run in Halifax to raise awareness and funds for colon cancer screening and prevention.

Our team, the Booty Brigade, led by My Guest Today, has already raised over $10,000, which is a lot of money, folks. It was a lot of money in the old days and it's a lot of money now. It's not too late to support us. You can find our fundraising link over on my Facebook page or even on My Guest Today Michelynn Touesnards'page. And honestly, folks,

Book the screening. Book a screening for anything cancer related. Book the colonoscopy, book the mammogram, get the Pap test, advocate for yourself if something feels off, but even if it doesn't. Cancers, not just something that happens to older people. It can happen at any age. I get a yearly breast screening because I have dense breasts. Side note, my husband says I am very dense.

I get yearly pap tests because I had precancerous cells removed in my early 20s. And yes, I have had a colonoscopy. And apparently, I decided to talk about that hilarious experience in this episode. Because nothing is sacred anymore. Why not? Okay, today my friend Michelynn Toenard returns to the podcast to share recent medical updates.

while living with stage four colorectal cancer. What a journey it has been. Truly, she's been sliced and diced and radiated and blasted with chemo, immunothera-pized? I made that up, think. Ostomized? Ostomy? Anyway, we're gonna talk about that. She's gearing up for another round of chemo while still somehow leading this bum run team this weekend.

Christina (05:33.07)
And she's an absolute legend, a hero, a brilliant clinical social worker, a mom of four, wife to Brad. Deeply loved friend to so many. And my friend, here is my conversation with Michelynn Touesnard.

Christina (05:55.822)
Look at you, look how cute you look!

Michelynn (05:57.882)
I look cute? Yeah. I was just thinking girl put some eye cream on.

Christina (06:03.438)
No, you look great. You look great. I just got out of OHA. I did a horse bath. You know what that is?

Michelynn (06:11.714)
Well, know, funny story, side story. My girlfriend at work, we were working out at lunchtime and then I came back and she said, I'm gonna, yeah, I have a client but I need to go have a horse bath. And then I said, excuse me? And she said, I need to have a horse bath. And I said, a horse bath?

Christina (06:33.816)
course back.

Michelynn (06:34.878)
What exactly is that? And she goes, you know, that saying that you do a horse bath. And I was like, why do you think, why do you think it's called a horse bath? And she said, because you do it when you're standing up.

Christina (06:45.408)
That's That's so fucking...

Michelynn (06:47.554)
That is some innocent shit right there. you are-

Christina (06:50.542)
I'm wondering if she comes from the same family I come from because I do that shit all the time and I blame it on the fact that I grew up in a French household and like I didn't we didn't really have these sayings and then when I would hear them from people I would mishear them and my god that's adorable.

Michelynn (07:10.71)
It's so cute. A horse bath.

Christina (07:13.358)
It makes fucking sense. I love that.

Michelynn (07:17.646)
It does, it is so cute.

Christina (07:21.294)
We talked about hair, check. We talked about whore's bath.

Michelynn (07:29.784)
part will be aired, right?

Christina (07:34.254)
Okay, I loved your recent post. You just posted it. I saw a video of you. You really finding the light in the ass to me. I watched it, was like, I wonder if that's a stretch or if it's like for real, she's like, this is awesome.

Michelynn (07:52.77)
No, like, you know, I am all about like, de-shaming. And I find with ostomy stuff, I've noticed that there's a lot of shame. People are like, I need to hide it. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want people to know I have it. don't, right? Which I was like, okay, this is interesting. I was just thrown into this world. And then now I'm just like, hey man, this is like, I get it. It's a weird thing to have a bag of poo hanging.

Christina (07:58.509)
Yeah.

Michelynn (08:22.656)
on your front, but it's saving lives and we're all walking around with a bag of poo in us, by the way. know what I mean? Mine just happens to be detachable.

Christina (08:36.3)
That's right. That is a brilliant way of explaining it.

Michelynn (08:40.418)
Like, no, don't think you're better.

Christina (08:42.734)
I don't think you're better than me. I see your poop. Yeah, I see through to your poop.

Michelynn (08:44.543)
I see.

Michelynn (08:48.686)
You know, so when I had diarrhea and I was like literally talking to a woman on my step, a friend was walking by, we were chit chatting on the step and then I was just like, felt a little something and I was like, oh, that was intense. And just continued my conversation with this woman and I literally have had a stomach bug and I had diarrhea. Like dude, like.

I don't need to pause the movie. I don't need, like, it's very convenient. So my post was to de-shame and to make a joke about it. But also as someone with colon cancer who has spent the majority of my life, the past three years, constantly aware of where a bathroom is at all times, this is a game changer.

Christina (09:24.814)
Uh-huh.

Michelynn (09:45.142)
I used to have to starve myself before I had an appointment in the city because I would have to stop on the drive. And this is just like, it's easy, it's easier. there's people out there that have the surgery and then get what's called is a reversal. So they get the cancer removed and they have enough room left that they can kind of undo this and get normal function of their rectum again.

and I don't really have enough room, it's possible, but I'm on the team of don't touch it.

Christina (10:23.822)
Leave it, leave it now that you got the hang of it, loving it.

Michelynn (10:27.596)
I mean, this is a groove right now. My husband's super cool. So he's not weirded out by it. And it makes life easier. So I'm just like, I'm just going to make jokes about it and normalize this for the people who are out there. And I've had people literally, I'm like outside of my lawn and I had a woman walk up to me and explain, I follow you. And I just want you to know that, you know, my husband has an ostomy and he struggled with it.

and your posts have been very helpful. And I was like, that's so cool. You know what I mean? I don't mind making fun of myself. don't get embarrassed when it comes to this stuff anymore. I having a terminal illness just sort of makes you not give a shit about that anymore. I don't have time for shame and embarrassment. That's not what I'm worried about. So if that...

Christina (11:00.802)
Yeah.

Michelynn (11:22.43)
helps or makes life easier for someone and I can talk about it and normalize it a little bit or make people understand it, then that feels a little more purposeful for sure.

Christina (11:30.99)
Yeah, one of the things I thought, because I've known a few people live with on asri, is that it can make people feel like they can't go anywhere. Which is not, mean, that's not true. mean, is it more something that, is that come from the stigma, do you think? Or people's comfort level with like going out and what would make somebody feel like, can't leave my house.

Speak now.

Michelynn (12:01.418)
Yeah, so I think that that is a bit like I know for the first couple of weeks, I was constantly like, do I smell? Like, can you smell something off me? Can you? And it's like making noises and stuff at first, but your body's adjusting. there is so much out there for ostomy supplies and supports and things in place and like different devices and you know, like

deodorizing things and like there's no limit. So you just find the tips and tools and strategies and everything that works for you. But initially you're kind of like, oh gosh, like, am I going to have a leak? What's going to happen? But I literally like, that was like the first week and I've luckily not like I was walking out in like a white shirt the other day.

without a change of clothes or the bag or my supplies or anything. And I was like, who do I think I am? yeah, but I'm feeling confident with it, right? Yeah, so I don't know why. It's a bit of an adjustment, like getting used to clothing and how it fits you is another piece. So like my clothes fit me kind of weird now. So you're trying to find things that are more comfortable.

Christina (13:06.702)
That's awesome.

Michelynn (13:25.23)
Luckily, I'm in my gym pants era, so not a lot has changed in terms of my clothing.

Christina (13:32.718)
And shin pants are like stylish now.

Michelynn (13:35.086)
I'm just what my teenagers are wearing. It just so happens is because I'm unemployed now and I'm medically retired, let's say, and I like comfy clothes. So it really, it's working with the stoma colostomy life, right?

Christina (13:51.672)
This might be a weird question, but you know I like bling accessories. as soon as we talked about you, the possibility of you getting an ostomy at some point, thought, what are the blingy options? What are the accessorization? Can you accessorize an ostomy bag?

Michelynn (14:10.776)
You can, you can. How? Well, like there's like bag covers. Mm-hmm. So that you just like kind of put them over your bag.

Christina (14:21.07)
Are they cool?

Michelynn (14:22.574)
Uh, the ones I've seen have had like, like it says like hot shit on it. I'm like, I don't know if I ever wear that out. Um, poopsie daisy, things like that. And I'm like, I'm not a, I'm not like a wear my bag out person either. And it's not even a shame. It's out of like comfort. feel like I want it tucked in and like extra support.

Christina (14:48.993)
sure.

Michelynn (14:51.694)
Do know what I mean? Like it's just hanging free. I feel like it might get tangled up in something. I don't know. Like it's a medical device you want to keep close to your body. So I'm not like out and proud with it in a bedazzled person. But like summer's coming and bathing suits are going to happen. So that would be a time that you could put something on it. Cause you're going to be in a bathing suit and it would be out.

Christina (15:05.602)
Not bedazzling it, okay.

Michelynn (15:18.722)
But yeah, there's lots of stuff. There's a whole world on the internet of ostimates, I think is what they call it.

Christina (15:26.19)
Ostomate. Okay. I love it. Okay. So what has surprised you the most about the ostomy?

Michelynn (15:28.235)
Ostimate?

Yeah.

Michelynn (15:40.056)
I think how much my life has gotten better.

Christina (15:43.394)
Wow, love it. Okay, tell me more about that.

Michelynn (15:46.124)
Yeah, just like the bathroom thing and like we need to go so much and how much that just ruled my life. That I just got so used to it. I just like, I need a bathroom all the time. I need to stop constantly and need to know where one is at and need to, you you're like constantly using everyone's bathroom. And it's just a thing. And, know, I'd crack jokes about colon cancer, know, I gotta use your bathroom or.

But it's still, you know, there is anyways, I don't have to say anything anymore. I was like, I'm I'm a pro multitasker because like I said, I don't, I don't need to stop for anything else. Everything's just happening. Yeah. It's, it's surprisingly easy. I'm two months in. Yep. And I've adjusted well and things have gone really well. So that was very surprising. I don't think of me two months ago would have realized.

would have realized that, what a game changer it is. And some people have a really hard time adjusting for all kinds of reasons. Aliostomies are a little different than colostomies too. Food was a big thing and like there's all that. But I've been very, very fortunate that things have gone really well. So yeah, I can't complain. It's gone well.

It was really noisy at first and I was kind of mortified with that because I was like, I'm just going to be like right now the fart bag's funny and we can make jokes about it because Brad and I are in the hospital and it would just be like this huge fart noise in the middle of a conversation that we would have to try to talk over it because it would be so loud. And there's like, you know, in the hospital, everyone's around and it would be funny, but I knew.

because Brad's got a good sense of humor too, so we would both like be laughing about it. A, because we were just like, okay, this is a new thing. And, but like, I almost just died. So the fact that this saved my life and now it's making fart noises is kind of, you know, minuscule in comparison. But then you're sitting there and you're just like, okay, I'm going to be in awkward situations where giant fart noises is not, it's not going to work.

Christina (17:34.923)
Yeah.

Christina (17:49.442)
That's why, yeah.

Michelynn (17:59.883)
It's not gonna, that's so, I was like, okay, how am gonna deal with that? And how I deal with shame is I announce it.

Christina (18:09.107)
I would probably do the same.

Michelynn (18:10.946)
You know, I think we're similar that way. I'm just like, hello everybody. I have an ostomy and it is noisy. Like I would just have to tell everybody in the room. That was me. Yeah.

Christina (18:19.544)
That was me. Yeah. I mean, I'm thinking like, what if you were at a wedding, you're in the ceremony, you're sitting waiting for the bride is coming through and the bag rips a big one and they're filming it. And so I think it's ideal to just raise your hand and be like, that was me.

Michelynn (18:45.614)
Yeah, have to own it. I have to explain, over explain. Like that's who I am. But luckily, all the noises and the craziness was really just the first like two weeks as my body adjusted. It's really not noisy anymore. Yeah.

Christina (19:01.134)
It's not waking you up at night.

Michelynn (19:03.95)
It's not interrupting conversations. Like it's very doable. But I joked before my surgery, of my posts was, it's my last day to fart was my joke. And I was saying to Brad, you know, it's my last day to fart. And he was kind of like, you're ridiculous. And then I was like, are you still going to love me with a bag? part of it,

was me joking or trying to make light of something, but also my fears coming up about how is this going to change our relationship or our intimacy or all of that, right? Like I'm 45 years old. What's this going to look like? And it was kind of like testing, I think, when I was saying that with him too. And he was like, looked at me and was like, you do a lot of things that make it hard for me to love you.

Christina (19:44.962)
Yeah.

Christina (20:00.398)
But

Michelynn (20:02.328)
poop bag is one of them.

Christina (20:04.694)
Oh, that's amazing. It's a very fair question. I mean, I would ask, I would wonder the same thing. would ask maybe, wouldn't, I mean, that's actually, it takes a lot of guts to ask even. I think some people will be afraid to ask, but those conversations are really good opportunity. What if you had said, yeah, I guess I can't do this. then, well, okay.

Michelynn (20:33.73)
Good to know.

Christina (20:35.406)
Like a few plans here.

Michelynn (20:37.41)
wasn't a really... Yeah, he was really backed into a corner with that answer. Like, how does the stress look?

Christina (20:44.384)
He did good. He does good under pressure. That Brad. Are there like, okay, so we, chat, first of all, welcome back to a chat with her podcast. Not first of all, second of all, I'm so glad to have you back here. And a year ago, you had had a major liver chop up. And that liver, can we talk about how amazing the liver is?

Michelynn (20:48.076)
He does.

Michelynn (21:09.87)
Ciao

Michelynn (21:14.114)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Christina (21:15.666)
It's like, is it back to the same size? I don't know.

Michelynn (21:19.662)
if it's back to the same size, but I know that it can grow back to the same size. I don't know where mine's at, but it regenerates within like a couple of months. And I lost 70 % of my liver.

Christina (21:35.042)
Yeah, it's crazy. was pretty cool. I think your recovery was incredible, though I know it was really tough. You've had so many surgeries now. Do you have like a favorite? I mean, like, yeah, well, okay, let's rate them. what? Because these are from serious fucking surgeries. Yeah, they were.

Michelynn (21:36.588)
Mm-hmm.

Pretty cool organ.

Michelynn (21:59.726)
Yeah

Christina (22:01.482)
And you just bounce, it seems like you bounce right back every time. You're remarkable. And the human body can be remarkable when it's, you know, healthy, even though there's illness, there's disease inside of you. The rest of you is healthy and like, you take good care of it.

Michelynn (22:16.878)
People are what meds are you on? And I'm like, nothing. Stage four cancer, what meds do you take? Like, none. I did just get a prescription for pain medication, just because of my recurrence and the pain with that. But even that, I don't use it that much. But yeah, I would say the least favorite was the liver. That was a two.

stage surgery, as you know, because you were there. I had one surgery and then a week later had another surgery. And I think I had like, I don't know, 43 staples across, right across. And that was a big surgery. That was a big recovery. And then of course the liver like filters fluid and everything throughout your body. So when you only have 30 % of it, I just was like...

fill with fluid and everything and all the, it's really like an emotional process too and I wonder about like the filtering and the toxins and things like that and it's just like in you. So I feel like emotionally that was really tough surgery too for all those reasons. And a lot of the other surgeries that I had were laparoscopic. So that was my big open one. that was big, big, big difference between having a laparoscopic.

Christina (23:37.934)
Yeah, you mess like the laboscopic way better. It's that's like day, day surgery. Then you go home basically.

Michelynn (23:41.494)
Ugh, that's k-gwa.

Michelynn (23:46.924)
Well, like, no, not really. They just, you're not like opened up in the same way. They're just, they're using like robots, like, to go in and do stuff. And so you have these tiny little incisions as opposed to a a big open one. the recovery is like not even comparable. It's so, so, so easy. So I just wake up and I'm like, am I going to go home? Like that's not really, but you know, but yeah, my,

My resection was like that. My ostomy surgery was at LAP. And I had a lung segmentectomy that was also a LAP surgery. So that one was a little bit harder, losing a piece of your lung.

Christina (24:30.594)
Yeah, you told us about how the asthmatic has changed things for the positive. And there's other things I know in your plan now that you know are coming up soon. How are you feeling overall? What's changed in your life and your day-to-day now compared to a year ago?

Michelynn (24:35.566)
Hmm.

Michelynn (24:52.706)
The biggest change, obviously adjusting to the ostomy, the biggest change is probably the mental piece. Things just feel different mentally. And that's, I would say, for the better, for the most part. this recent recurrence has been hard. It's been difficult because I feel like I get so close to that remission.

line, let's say, like you're running a marathon and you get so close to the end and then, you know, they're like, turn around, you got to it again. And you're just devastated because I'm just like, I'm almost there. Just get there. Just get there. And then I was so close. I like literally got the last two spots. I had been stable for a year. And then I got the last two spots treated and which the radiation worked really well.

Christina (25:29.602)
Mm-hmm.

Michelynn (25:51.15)
And then my follow-up scan showed it was just another recurrence back in the suture line of where my original bowel resection was, even though I had clear margins. And then four more spots in my lungs and then five more suspicious spots in the peritoneal area. you're just like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. So mentally it's been a slog.

Christina (26:18.072)
Hmm.

Michelynn (26:19.406)
Because I just keep thinking, oh, I'm going to get a break. I'm stage four, like, this is my life. But you just dream of, oh, God, you know, I'm going to get a little maybe a break for a year or two before it comes back and I'll have to do anything. And I just haven't been able to get a break. Every scan after some big treatment, there's been more. So it's time. I need systemic treatment. So I have to go back on chemo. Mentally, that's...

difficult for me because I'm just like, yeah, give me all the surgeries. Because I believe in my body and how it can heal and I can mentally know each day gets easier. Yeah, I know what surgery feels like. With chemo, it's kind of the opposite. Where you go in there and you're like, okay, I can handle this. Seems all right. And then the next one is like, that one was a little harder maybe, but you're just

You're just grinding, but it's kind of wearing you down. And mentally that's hard because you're trying to get to the thing and you're just like more and more and more is taken from you is what it's felt like. And then for me to get through six months of that and then be told basically it didn't really work. And then now have to go back on it a different type, but it's kind of a

Christina (27:20.237)
Yeah.

Christina (27:43.592)
Mm-hmm.

Michelynn (27:46.062)
hard on the brain, for sure. So that piece has been heard. I recently switched my medical oncologist, which I'm very grateful for. Not that there was anything wrong with my last one, per se. I've heard great things about him. I think for me, it just wasn't a great fit because I know the type of person that I need.

I think when it comes to, you know, we don't get to choose really in this healthcare system. You get who you get. But I was needing someone to be a little more attuned to me. And I'm really, really lucky with who I got when we did do a switch.

Christina (28:35.918)
you

Michelynn (28:40.962)
My last oncologist would kind of introduce himself. I felt like honestly he didn't even remember me. I'm memorable.

Christina (28:48.091)
He'd forget that hair.

you are fucking memorable. God, can't get you out of my head.

Michelynn (28:58.44)
Well, it's hard because you're just like, dude, you're literally in charge of saving my life and you don't pretend you remember me. Like, look at the file before you walk in. Like, he's like, hello, I'm doctor.

Christina (29:04.568)
Look how cute I am!

Christina (29:11.33)
Look how adorable I am. Come on. Fear my husband. Look how big he is.

Michelynn (29:13.614)
Yeah.

Michelynn (29:19.598)
Remember me. but yeah, I met my new medical oncologist and she spent a couple minutes at the beginning learning how to pronounce my name correctly.

Christina (29:31.062)
Okay, that's cool.

Michelynn (29:32.536)
which just felt so personal, you know?

Christina (29:35.31)
Although I'm concerned it took her a couple of minutes.

Michelynn (29:38.35)
My last name, right? If you look at my last name, she's just like, Tuasner? You know, I was like, Twonore. And she's like, Tuas... And I was like, don't look at it. Just look at me. Twonore. She's like, oh, like, Tworres. And I'm like, yeah, kind of. Twonore, yeah. I thought it was... Yeah. And she was just very thorough. you know, she explained that she had looked at my germline testing and all these other things that I had been just wanting people to look at.

Christina (29:54.306)
That's cool though.

Michelynn (30:08.462)
She's like, I look, isn't that interesting? And I was like, you read that? And she was like, I'm a little OCD. I'm like, good. Right into my heart. So I'm very, very grateful. So I feel like I'm in really good hands for somebody like me. We're a good fit. So I'm very happy with that. So she's.

Christina (30:08.925)
She said all the right.

Michelynn (30:33.612)
She's really pushing, she said it's time for chemo. You've done local therapies, you've done amazing, you've been through a lot, but it's my time to shine and I'm gonna put you back on systemic treatment and sort of explained what she wanted to do. So I'm agreeing to it. Obviously they know what's best. So I gotta give it a go. I'm gonna, start not this week, coming up next week.

Christina (31:02.987)
after the bum run.

Michelynn (31:04.275)
After the bum run.

Christina (31:06.126)
Yeah, I'm sure that one's good. They're gonna give you some good steroids, I know that, some good anti-nots.

Michelynn (31:11.626)
Anti-nausea, she really ramped those up for me. She kind of came at it with a plan. They're lowering the dose. They're giving me better anti-nausea. Like just sort of reassured me with, we're going to make sure that your quality of life is better this time around.

Christina (31:26.69)
Good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that makes me feel better. Yeah.

Michelynn (31:31.342)
I gotta do it. I gotta do it. we're gonna, I'm like, can try anything for three months and we'll do some scans and hopefully it's positive. And then if I can get to surgery again, if it was successful, then hopefully they'll book me in for surgery and we can try this, take another shot at this remission thing.

Christina (31:51.383)
I gotta ask because you know I'm on an antidepressant and I don't think you are.

Michelynn (31:58.636)
I'm just raw dogging this terminal cancer thing.

Christina (32:02.486)
curious about the raw dogging it, like, because I think everyone has their own reasons. And if you know, like why I don't want it, I don't want to do that. I'm so curious about your reasons for maybe not or are you, would you be open to it if you just like, really after, you know, while you're just super bummed out consistently? like, what's, what are your thoughts on, on, on getting a little help for the brain in this next, you know, round?

Michelynn (32:30.958)
Mm-hmm. And I'm certainly like pro-medication. As a therapist, I see the benefits firsthand for people. I think you're treading water, you gotta get to shore, and medication will do that for people 100%. It has its functions. and for me, what it feels like is...

This is a situational issue. This isn't a, you know, I'm battling crippling anxiety every day, because I'm not. I know that that's surprising to people. I think that mentally I'm more well now than I was previously. probably should have been on meds, to be honest. I think I was very, very

Christina (33:11.586)
Mm-hmm.

Michelynn (33:28.846)
affected by my Aunt Renee. was like my sister. I think I spoke about her before, but she passed away in like nine months from cancer when she was 34. And it messed me up. So I spent the remainder of my life scared that I was going to get cancer.

Christina (33:51.402)
Yeah, we have that in common. Well, actually, I think your aunt died around when my dad died. Or maybe it was that we talked about that and having that commonality of like, okay, dad's, okay, I'm seeing this happen. Here's this guy that's supposed to live forever. And then thinking like, you know, I'm next. Every little thing I get, I think I definitely have cancer, which in some ways makes you...

hypervigilent about, you know, certain things and testing and whatnot. that can be okay, but it's also not something that you necessarily want to be stressing about every day.

Michelynn (34:33.262)
Well, this is it. The stress and the worry and the real estate that this took upon my mind was worrying about something that I wasn't going to have. I told myself a lie that I was going to have control over whether or not I got cancer. to an extent, not smoking, not drinking, actually taking care of yourself is going to give you a better shot at it. But at the end of the day,

out of my group of friends, everybody was like, you got it? Because they call me like crunchy mom. I'm like, essential oils and organic. you know, this is, we use no aluminum in our deodorant and use whatever. Like I did all the things. I checked all the boxes I thought. So if I'm going to live a cancer free life, I'm going to do all the things. And here I am with cancer, not only with cancer, with stage four cancer.

So I think I got to a point when that my worst fear I'm living.

Christina (35:38.114)
Yeah.

Michelynn (35:39.712)
And medication isn't going to change that. The medication helps you to stop worrying about the thing and realizing, hey, I shouldn't worry about something that hasn't happened yet. But right now it's like, I'm living this hell right now. And medication is, if anything might numb me or, and the last thing I want is to be numbed right now. I want to feel every ounce of joy. And if that comes with pain, then I will take it.

Christina (36:08.002)
Yeah.

Michelynn (36:08.834)
But if it dims the joy that I can feel right now, I'm not interested, if that makes sense. So I'm pro-medication when people are suffering and they need it. I'm not suffering. I am chasing the shit out of joy and life and savoring every bit of it right now. I don't like, people are like, take cannabis, try this, try that, try it. And I was like, I don't wanna not be here.

Christina (36:16.28)
N- Absolutely-

Christina (36:37.44)
Yeah, yeah. You want to be extra. It's very hard to be present when you're taking drugs. It is. No shame if you want to... When I take a gummy, I want to be knocked out. I actually like, take me away.

Michelynn (36:55.374)
That's right. People are like, want to, I need a break. need to, I want to pause. want to like ease out for a bit. And I'm like, like you're reading the best book and you're savoring every word. No, you feel that the book is going to end soon.

Christina (37:07.915)
Yeah.

Christina (37:12.524)
Yeah, you know, I can say about the medication I'm on and I've thought a lot of, I keep thinking about this and it's not, I'm very aware of it. So it's, when you talk about numbing, because there is a certain, you know, I don't, I can count on my hand since I've started this medication and the times I've cried. I mean, that's, I used to cry a lot more. used to, I'm very happy.

I'm not like, you know, I still have bad days or whatever, but I have noticed that there's a certain edge that it definitely has taken from me. And in some regards, there's positives to that because it's helped me at function and deal with some of the things I was really struggling with. But I do sometimes think now, well, I've really got my life to a point where, you know, the situational things are probably not there that were.

So what if I tried life without it again and then just, I mean, I'm not on a super high dose, but I do miss a little bit of that, well, the real feelings, like the real lows and the, mean, I don't even get angry. I don't even get, I don't even bug Dale about the dishes anymore. What the fuck's wrong with me? So in thinking about that in what you're living with and

You know, my audience, if you haven't listened to the first episode with Michelin, know, Michelin's got four beautiful girls, a very busy life, an incredible husband, a busy pup at home, a very active pup, and a very rich life. And yeah, and I can understand why you would want to feel every fucking feeling. think it's really...

very valid point to not. Also, I know that you would know if there was a time when you were like, okay, now I'd like a little vacation from...

Michelynn (39:21.742)
And I might need that. And I'm open to it. She actually, my med-aunt gave me a benzo to take before my chemo to help with the anticipatory anxiety. Well, I guess it is anxiety, but it's anticipatory nausea. As soon as I smell the 5-FU, I'm sick. And that's just smelling it because my body has been so accustomed to it that it's like, smell that and I'm

Christina (39:44.445)
Mmm, yeah.

Michelynn (39:50.382)
and I'm noticeably not nauseous. So she wanted me to take a benzo with the anti-nauseas and all that to try to help eliminate or break that cycle. And I'm open to that. I'm open to it. I got to get through it. let's face it, going for a fucking chemo infusion is not something I'm savoring. That's not a moment in life I'm going to be savoring.

Christina (40:12.274)
no? You don't want to save that? Weirdo.

Michelynn (40:14.93)
If I take the benzo to get through that and get into my rhythm, I'm open to that. I'm open to that. But the poor part, I don't even want to take the pain meds. I take them as needed, like, just, being present is what's keeping me going.

Christina (40:34.486)
Yeah, no heroin. Got it. Yeah.

Michelynn (40:36.578)
Yeah, no escape. Yeah, just in it, just feeling all of it. And yeah, I let myself cry and then it's over or I just process all of it in real time and then keep going. And some days are harder than others. Last week was hard. I get really quiet online when I'm in a hard space. that was kind of my...

My other post was talking about that, that I get really quiet and inward. And then I feel like that's inauthentic because the whole thing of me, like living my life out loud online and this kind of legacy for my kids so that they can, they know how hard I tried. They know, you know, everything. And they'll have that forever. And they'll know that they've been, and my family is like my purpose for.

for everything that I'm doing right now. It's undeniable. And I lost my train of thought.

Christina (41:43.726)
It's okay. You know, even if you didn't do a single other post, your kids and everybody would know that about you. Like if you chose tomorrow and be like, you know what? Actually, I don't want to spend my time doing this anymore because who knows? Like, you know, I'm going to focus on the... Like nobody would be like, how dare she? She just gave up. What a lazy...

Michelynn (42:11.736)
think it's the inauthentic piece. Thank you for circling me back there. Because I post a lot of, hey, you can still live your life. You've stayed toward cancer. You can still live your life. You can still chase joy. You can still have amazing moments, maybe even more amazing than they were before, because everything is just richer and bigger and intense. And so I think when I get quiet, it's being inauthentic to all.

of my cancer warrior friends out there who I become so close with because then it feels like a facade because then when the hard stuff comes up, I'm hiding. And I want to be authentic to say, if anyone's going through this and they're like, well, you know, I'm not running around and having all this fun and instead I'm in the middle of this battle or I'm laying in bed crying, that that's a part of it too.

It's just a part that people don't want to see. And so, I get, and part of me, I don't want to be remembered that way. I don't want my kids to see that either. this is this constant battle of, you know, you're leaving a narrative or a story about your life, but it gets to a point that it was feeling inauthentic. And I do feel like I have to be like, hey, man, it's hard right now. I'm going through the hard part.

Because when I'm diagnosed and when I started going through all this, I'm just was constantly searching for people like me, who's living with this? How are you living with it? And so, yeah, I think that's a part of it. Like it initially started out as for my kids and for my family. And the more it's kind of grown into people reaching out and telling me that I'm helping them, that's igniting me too.

in another way that this feels purposeful.

Christina (44:13.408)
Yeah, these stories, what you're doing can live on for a long, long time and help a lot of people.

Michelynn (44:22.56)
I feel like you're in this like dark tunnel and someone else in there has a flashlight. Someone's a little further ahead. Someone's already been doing it. And you're looking for those guides, I guess. And I know that's what I was searching for. Because you get diagnosed and I think someone described it to me as like you feel like you're behind a glass door where you can see everybody else living their life, but you're like, you're not in the room. You can see them, but you're not in there anymore. And, and

you end up getting really close with my cancer friends, let's say, because you get connected and especially early onset people with the same cancer as me, we're all around the same age, we've got kids, we're going through it and you just have this instant bond that you become super close and you're trying to help each other.

Christina (45:15.662)
Speaking of friendship, these days, what's friendship looking like to you? How are your friends showing up at this time in your life?

Michelynn (45:26.638)
I live away from a lot of my close, close friends, you know what I mean? So it's a lot of like distance talking and like messenger and texting and video calling and that sort of stuff. It's how I keep in touch with a lot of people. I do have a couple of friends here in the Valley that have been amazing. I get an amazing neighbor down the road who's lovely. I have another friend who's

Thankfully retired, she's been phenomenal to like drive with me to Yarmouth while I needed an MRI and she'll just like pop in the car and keep me company. Cause Brad works a lot. And he, if he takes time off for all my appointments and things, like we're going to be in a whole different financial situation, you know? So it's just constant trying to balance. And this is an early onset cancer thing. we're, we're, we're, still, we're not retired. We don't have time to do all this stuff.

There's kids and life and everything's still happening. So to have a friend who's available to drive me or drive or keep me company, those have been huge things. Friends have dropped off food, especially in the early days. We got a lot of food and a lot of meals. When I was in Mexico, friends came out and really provided so many meals for my family while we were away. It was amazing and obviously started.

go find me so that I could get there in the first place and

Christina (46:57.078)
Is the GoFundMe still active?

Michelynn (47:00.762)
It is, like, not like publicly. It was used primarily to go to Boston and to go to Mexico, which was done. But people still go on there and I send updates to people through it. So it was open in that way.

Christina (47:21.698)
People can still make a donation though.

Michelynn (47:24.622)
They can, yeah. What I do is I have a separate account that I'm kind of putting money away for in the event if I need to go back to Mexico or there's another, it's called RGCC, I believe, out of Ontario. It's sort of similar to the treatment I did in Mexico. So I'm kind of looking at different things, more backup plans if this chemo thing doesn't work. So it's just kind of...

helps have a backup plan to the backup plan. So that's there. So I try to put, or I have extra funds, or when I do have extra funds, or if anybody does donate to that, I put it in an account right now. And just to kind of help, if we get to that point, that's where we'll go.

Christina (48:14.366)
And with the upcoming chemo, it's remind me again, how long are, is it a two month stint or two, do know?

Michelynn (48:23.628)
It'll be three months and then a scan. But chemo is kind of a hard thing to, they can't say when my end date will be.

Christina (48:33.32)
Is it like once a week or once every two weeks? Once every two weeks. in that time, are there things that that would help?

Michelynn (48:35.566)
once every two

Michelynn (48:42.91)
Asking is hard. It really is. It's very vulnerable and I feel it's like this cancer guilt trip. Like if I ask someone's fever, they feel like they have to do it or putting someone out and I just hate it. I'm a military spouse. So like, you know, we're just really tired, but we just get shit done on our own, essentially. I'm not used to depending on people. So it is hard.

Christina (48:58.477)
Yeah.

Michelynn (49:11.246)
But you're being on like it is rides, it definitely drives. like, for example, if I have to take a Benzo to try out the, I'm not going to be able to drive myself to chemo back and forth. If that is what's going to help with the anti-nausea, then that will be hard because I don't take anything. So driving on a Benzo is probably not going to be great. So then I would need a ride to chemo. So when brides not around to drive me, do have, Jalyn is a driver.

my oldest daughter, so that's very lucky. So if she's not working that day, she could help. And I need to get better at asking friends or seeing who's available. So drives would be good or the days that I'm sick after that I can't do the driving. Sometimes that can be helpful too, just to have someone here helping with whatever, if Brad's at work.

meals or whatever. But I do have older girls and Ivy did just get her license. I hate, you know, I'm not gonna, anyways, it's hard on them too. But I don't, I don't think it's a, you know, I think it's a good lesson to be able to everybody help each other out in a family when, you know, I believe in that too, but you also don't want to burden a load of kids who are dealing with their mom being sick either. So it's a balance.

Christina (50:17.101)
Yeah.

Michelynn (50:36.704)
And I need to get better at asking people for help when I need it.

Christina (50:40.238)
I don't know if I could have somebody around that much. Certain people, it'd be no problem at all, like majority of people. Certain people. So that would be a tricky thing too. know, yeah, these are just the things you don't know until you go through them or, you know, but I could tell you that like, I mean, just with my mom's recent,

Michelynn (50:47.854)
It's the certain people.

Christina (51:09.472)
illness and it was, I feel like your daughters would all just, the little things they can do probably make them feel like I'm helping, whereas they probably feel otherwise very helpless. when I, that's, I found it, I know it's not this way for everybody, but I found helping my mom very easy and a huge privilege and a joy, probably one of the huge reasons why our relationship is important.

you know, it has improved even, but it's one of the greatest things that you can do for somebody is to be there for them when they need you. like that's, so even if they don't know that now, I think, you know, someday they will realize that for themselves even. so yeah, I think getting them to drive a lot is, but I can understand. I can understand. I'm not a mother, but like, I get your point though, how you, you,

Want them to have their, but like this is life too. This is. Yeah.

Michelynn (52:12.65)
It is. I want them to chase joy and have fun and live their teenage life while they can. And if we can fit in helping me out and doing some extra things around the house, I think that's a great lesson. But I don't want their teenage years to just be remembered as caretaking for their sick mother too. You know what I mean?

Christina (52:36.59)
I definitely don't think that that's happening for them. It seems like they're their best lives. for sure. Hey, we got a bum run coming up, but I want to know why you decided to do the bum run and I want to know how the fuck we're going to do it because I can barely run. And I just want to hang out with you. So whether you walk or run.

Michelynn (53:05.678)
I'm Ben Wach.

Christina (53:06.966)
Yeah. Can we bum around and walk? I'm going to do whatever you do if that's okay.

Michelynn (53:11.668)
Yeah, well, I was running and I was training and I was like, yeah, I'm gonna be able to run because last year, of course, I had the surgery so I wasn't able to participate. And the year before that, I was on chemo and it was a really bad week of chemo so I was lucky to be there but I couldn't even do the walk. So this year I was like, yeah, I'm gonna run it, my body's amazing. And I was running and training and then I got the blockage and then I got the surgery and then I got an ostomy.

It really set me back. But anyways, I'm thankful to be alive, but it just might be a bum walk for me, but that's okay. But it's, yeah, the whole, the bum run, it's across Canada in different cities in Canada. Vancouver has a run coming up, I think the end of the month. Toronto just had their run. I believe Calgary has a run and Halifax.

And then they have a virtual run as well. So for anybody who's outside of those areas, they can join and do a virtual run. Yeah. So it's super cool. The money goes to this amazing patient advocacy group called CRAN, C-C-R-A-N. And they have been a force for me since I came out of the gate with this. They were there.

Christina (54:17.483)
Hmm

Michelynn (54:38.102)
It was probably one of the third phone calls I made because the person that I was connected with who had colorectal cancer set me up with them, thankfully. So they've been there for my early days and have held my hand and got me through lots. got me to second opinions. I got to see an amazing thoracic surgeon in Toronto and I didn't end up doing his trial, but maybe that's still on the table for me. I don't know.

now that I have these new meds, but like I'm a patient of his, so like I can circle back and talk to him again. And so that's amazing. They've, yeah, they've done lots too. They do lots of, they do these like Cancer Summit series and research topics and they have a board of doctors that sit there and will present at all these things and just give us so much information.

They offer groups every month. They offer the newest research that comes out for my cancer and every how to like it's just phenomenal phenomenal phenomenal work they do they got me connected to someone to help with the disability tax credit even like all these things that just like Nuances of having cancer, especially early onset and they just help you with your life along the way and in every they're advocating for lowering the screening age So anyways, I love them

And I'm just so happy to be able to give back. And this run is to raise awareness, obviously, of colorectal cancer. And then the money will go to this group. So our team has raised almost $10,000. Phenomenal. Yeah.

Christina (56:19.756)
That's awesome.

So booty brigade. Right. I'm looking forward to it. Like, should I bring like a boombox over my shoulder?

Michelynn (56:30.254)
You know what? the whole theme, so Poppy has these little gloves. So everything is like very retro. Oh, my dog would like my attention. These little bracelets. have like super funky colored visors. So everything is very retro. The theme being if you wore clothes like this in high school, you probably need a colonoscopy.

Christina (56:57.51)
that's awesome. I already had mine. Had mine. Check. Good girl. I did talk about my colonoscopy on one of the episodes and I did it without drugs. I was raw dogging it. You're brave. I will never do that again.

Michelynn (57:01.336)
Yeah.

Yeah

Michelynn (57:17.23)
I will not save her. I will take her out.

Christina (57:19.31)
I will have a colonoscopy again, but I will never do it without as much as they will give me. I was convinced by a friend to do it without drugs. don't know why. was a woman. it on church days. Never again. It was traumatizing. I can't believe, I mean, I'm not scared of drugs. I recreationally will do drugs occasionally and

Michelynn (57:34.222)
without drugs.

Christina (57:48.014)
So why the fuck did I not, I don't, I was under some weird spell. Someone convinced me. Yeah. Which makes me think I really need to be careful. Like somebody may convince me to join a cult or something. That's, yeah, like, mean, that's just so anyway, so I'm here to say.

Do your drugs when you do your colonoscopy and make sure you get your drugs. Yeah. just need to be traumatized.

Michelynn (58:18.786)
Mm-hmm.

Michelynn (58:24.206)
There's no need. There's no need. And the drugs are, it's out of your pretty quick.

Christina (58:30.222)
And you might get to see the inside of you on screen. It's kind of neat. Yeah, it is.

Michelynn (58:35.689)
If you're into that.

Christina (58:37.266)
I can't wait to see you. And as if you don't know this already, you are my hero. And I just think everything that you've accomplished in the last fucking three years has just been incredible. Like you are incredible. And I want everyone to know. And so I'll keep having you on the podcast as long as you'll come back.

Michelynn (59:05.961)
Aw, thanks man.

Christina (59:06.826)
and I put me on the list for drivers and also cleaners and also you know I'm up for cleaners.

Michelynn (59:15.145)
I know you love cleaning.

Christina (59:19.177)
Love

Christina (59:23.822)
I don't wanna say goodbye to you

Christina (59:32.426)
I don't wanna say goodbye to you

Christina (59:41.122)
Welcome to the Heartbeat Hotline, 1902-669-4769. I'm the host of a Chat with Heart podcast, Christina Martin, and I'm so excited you called. Leave me your question, suggestion for the podcast, or a comment about this episode. Please be aware your message may be used on the podcast and social media. Tell me your name, where you're calling from, and it's also fine if you want to remain anonymous. Thanks for listening.

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