Women of Worth
Welcome to the Women of Worth Podcast with Claire Fealy! I am so excited to have you join me today to kick off this amazing journey and dive into how I got to this place in life. This show covers inspiring stories to help you uncover your worth. You are worthy because you were born. PERIOD.But this isn’t just my podcast. I would never be where I am today without you! So, settle in, grab a nice cup of tea and welcome to the first episode of OUR podcast.
Women of Worth
Jessie's Journey - Escaping The Happiness Trap And Why You Don't Need To Fix Yourself
What if everything you believed about happiness was actually keeping you stuck in unhappiness?
In this profound conversation, Jessie Whelan opens up about her decade-long healing journey and the big A-HA moment that transformed her relationship with herself.
After years of trying to understand, analyze, and "fix" her emotions, Jessie discovered a liberating truth: you don't need a reason for feeling. This simple yet powerful insight marked a turning point in her recovery from anxiety, panic attacks, and grief.
As both a coach and Reiki practitioner, Jessie had all the tools to help others, yet found herself struggling with her own mental health - a common experience that many practitioners hide behind a mask of perfection.
Through their chats, Claire and Jessie dismantle the toxic belief that healing has an endpoint. They explore how our culture's obsession with happiness creates unnecessary suffering, and how the self-improvement industry profits from our feelings of inadequacy. The solution? Radical and revolutionary self-acceptance.
The most transformative part of this powerful conversation is when they discuss emotions as intelligence rather than inconveniences. Both women share their experiences of rationalizing feelings instead of experiencing them - a defense mechanism that keeps us stuck in our heads.
In this episode you will learn
- Understand that emotions don't need reasons
- How healing comes not from fixing yourself but accepting yourself
- Why emotions are not inconveniences to be fixed but intelligence to be listened to
- The power of making your mess becomes your message
- How to build capacity for uncomfortable emotions
- Breaking free from the "happiness trap" to find peace
- Remembering that you are not your thoughts and emotions - you are the awareness behind them
By learning to treat emotions like weather passing through the sky of awareness, we develop the capacity to stay grounded in peace, no matter we're feeling.
For anyone who's ever felt broken, weak, or ashamed of their struggles - this conversation is a lifeline of compassion and wisdom. You are not your thoughts or emotions. You are so much stronger than you realize. And in embracing all parts of yourself, without judgment, you discover not just healing, but wholeness.
This is Jessie's journey from obsessive self-improvement to complete self acceptance!!
Follow Jessie on Instagram @jw_healing and check out her podcast, The DMC Podcast, available on Apple and Spotify, to continue exploring these transformative insights.
If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who might need to hear it. I'd also love to hear your thoughts and takeaways - drop me an email at claire.fealy@gmail.com or a DM over on IG at ClaireFealyMindset Coach. You can also DM me there is you'd like more information about working together and becoming my next success story!
Welcome to the Women of Worth podcast. I am your host, clare Feely, teacher turned mindset and confidence coach. Each week, I will be bringing you inspiring people messages and science-backed strategies to help you reconnect with your worth. You are worthy because you were born. This podcast is all about empowering you to stop proving your worth and start being it, because the only person that gets to decide your worth is you. Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Women of Worth podcast. On this week's episode I have the amazing Jessie Whelan. So myself and Jessie connected on social media a few years ago and she recently just finished working with me and her story, her journey, everything was just so bloody powerful that I had to have her on the podcast and she very kindly agreed to come on and share a little bit about her story, about her work, all of that. So welcome to the podcast, jessie.
Speaker 2:Thank you, clare. Thank you the podcast, jessie, thank you claire, thank you. I am really delighted to be here and, yeah, feeling really good and grounded and like I've definitely grown some more after our time of working together, for sure, so it's lovely to be able to come on and reflect about it and yeah, so, yeah, we're finished up probably about a month now, maybe more, maybe yeah a month and it is like I can even see, talking to you today, the difference in like you can tell that you've continued into that, like really strengthening your sense of self.
Speaker 1:And, jessie, just for anybody that doesn't know you, um, tell us a little bit about yourself, or you know how you got into the wellness industry.
Speaker 2:All of that yeah, I think I feel like that's always a difficult question to answer, isn't it? Tell us about yourself, because there's so many, so many different avenues you can go down and I feel like it's quite weird sometimes talking about yourself. But yeah, look, I am a coach as well and a Reiki practitioner and, as you mentioned, you and I kind of met over social media a few years back because I think that we actually had the same first ever coach, didn't we? Yeah, yeah, actually had the same first ever coach, didn't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah, um, so I think I started on that journey in gosh I think it was 2019.
Speaker 2:I always, I always had a passion for helping people and I thought I wanted to become a psychologist and didn't go down that road in university, but just from doing a lot of work on myself and diving into that world, I've just always had a passion to help other people. So I started yeah, I started getting into the world of kind of working on myself, a lot and blogging, and then I did my coaching course and my Reiki course and, yeah, and recently just started my own podcast too, which is really, really exciting. But you know, I'm no different to anybody else, clare. You know I'm human and I have, you know, my own scars, and I think that's what makes me so passionate about wanting to help other people, because I think, you know, I've I've always struggled with my mental health and I think, particularly at the time, you know, there wasn't really people talking about it like there is now, and I just always wanted to be that voice for somebody that I that I needed at the time. Um, so, yeah, I have a passion in in working with mental health.
Speaker 2:Um, I have also experienced grief, like you, and I think you know, when you have those big, um, yeah, those really big, scary things happen in your life, it just, it changes the trajectory for you and you're just, yeah, life isn't the same anymore, you know yeah, and I think it is that it's like so many people get into this work because of their own healing journey and their own and geez, even when you mentioned their 2019, like going that far back back in 2019, coaching wasn't really a thing.
Speaker 1:It wasn't really. I didn't even know what a life coach did. I just knew that I needed support. I was really struggling with work, um, and, the same as yourself, I'd always struggled with my mental health and I just thought that it like there was something wrong with me. It was that kind of sense of like I was, oh my god, I was so good at masking how much I was struggling on the inside, but I actually forgot now that you're saying it that, yeah, we did start with the same life coach in 2019. Yeah, I know, but like now to think that, oh my god, if you had told me in 2019 that this is where we would be on a podcast talking about our journey. I know it is wild and it is wild.
Speaker 1:The path that your own healing journey takes you on. It's yeah, it's just wild and, um, you started your own podcast as well. Like that is unbelievable and it is that desire, I think when you heal yourself. It's that desire to help other people realize, like you know, it's not just you, this is not. You know, there's not something wrong with you when you heal your own wounds and you realize that it was just tools and skills that you didn't get as a child, that, like you, didn't.
Speaker 1:You just want to share it with everyone. You just want everyone to experience that like relief and release and peace and all of that. So thank you so much for coming on and sharing that and sharing. You know your own journey and your own story and when you decided to like because I do think it is a shift of like, when you decide like where was the shift for you from? Okay, I'm on my own healing journey and dealing with my own shit and my own grief and my own trauma and all of that like, what was the shift for you? That was like okay, now I want to help other people with that. Like what was that turning point?
Speaker 2:yeah, that's a really good question. Thank you you for asking that. I mean, do you know what, claire? I think that was always in me. I was always the friend that everybody came to and I'm just a really deep, sensitive soul. I'm that type of person that you'll meet and you could just meet me and we'll end up telling each other our life stories, like I feel like people just always really open up to me, and so that was. That was definitely always there for me, 100%.
Speaker 2:And, as I said, when, when I was going to university, I actually always wanted to go and do psychology and I ended up doing a science degree because I was chatting with my dad and he was like I think you're too sensitive to become a psychologist, you know, and I think I've realized now that become a psychologist, you know, and I think I've realized now that my sensitivity is my superpower and it's something that I try to honor. So I think you know, I I think I've always stood by the fact that your mess becomes your message and I think, no matter what happens to you in life, to be able to take that and to turn it into something beautiful, I mean, I think that's just like what more could you want? You know and when you talked there, clare, about you know a lot of people can go through trauma and difficult times and then have that passion to help other people and I think I don't know the way that I like to think of it is other people and I think I don't know the way that I like to think of it is, you know, even when you go to study psychology and become a clinical psychologist, you study for years and years and years, like a doctor would, and I personally think that if I was going to see somebody, I would much rather. It's all well and good for someone to have studied something, but for me personally, I would rather go to someone who's had experience too. I think you can.
Speaker 2:It's like a car, like you can learn all about the mechanics of a car, but you don't know what it's like to drive a car until you actually sit into it. Learning about driving it and sitting into it and driving are two different things and I think that when you've had the experience of going through something difficult, you just you, I don't know. I just think for me it's my mission to be able to support other people with it, you know and I know exactly what you're saying.
Speaker 1:It is that sense that they know what you're talking about, they get it, they understand it and going back to even talking about I was definitely told as well that I was too sensitive, and it's this sense and I even still I'm such a deep feeler like I really really am, and it is that using that as a superpower, because that's what brings you on this path is you have this sense of if people are struggling and what I needed to hear like I even think of you know what I needed to hear when I was at that part of my journey or when I you know, when it is, it's the. I think a lot of people go into that field. Even I wanted to go into psychology at 18. I was putting it on my CAO form. I didn't even fully understand what psychology was, but I just knew.
Speaker 1:Like for me, I wanted to understand my brain better. When I learned that you could study your brain and I was like, oh my god, yeah, and it is that, it's, it's, yeah, it's turning your own. I love that your your mess into your message, because it's so powerful when you're able to take something awful and make it into something, not I wouldn't even say amazing, but something that, like, helps others, something that, yeah, yeah, it is, it's just and you know what.
Speaker 2:I think I just sorry for talking over you, but I think I think what a few simple words, claire, can have such a profound impact. Right, and I just think we have both said that we both have struggled with our mental health and we both, you know, had a lot of trauma, and I think we know what it feels like to be down at the bottom, like we know what it feels like and we know that like it literally could just take a couple of words to pull you through. You know, and it's like I said to you when I initially reached out to you Because although I have been on a journey of going inward for many, many years and I've done an awful lot of work on myself, you know the learning never stops and you're constantly working on yourself. And at the time that I had reached out to you, I was at a point where I felt like I had gone 10 steps back and it felt like the worst it had ever been.
Speaker 2:And I reached out to you because I was listening to your podcast and when you were speaking about an experience, a really kind of like dark night of the soul that you had gone through, I felt like you were putting words to how I was feeling and you know, like, as I said, whether you go to therapy or you don't, a simple, simple few words, like listening in a podcast, can have such a profound impact. Know that you know your mind is your mind can be a scary place at times and it can trick you and it can tell you all sorts of lies. And I think you know it's. It's it's just knowing that those difficult times pass and that you're not the stories that your mind tells you, and it's just. I mean, I just think this work in general is my life, like I'm fascinated by it, like you know, fascinated by it, and I just I can't not do this kind of work, you know and it is that you're right.
Speaker 1:When you've been rock rock bottom and I have shared my rock rock bottoms on the podcast it is this sense of it just shifts everything. It changes even I know for my rock rock bottoms it changes the way you see the world. It changes the way you show up everything and I know what you're saying about. With the healing journey. You think that there's an end destination. You think that, okay, I'll do this coaching or I'll do therapy right, once I process this trauma. Then I'm, you know, and it's not even fully healed, but it's like I won't have to do any healing ever. Like it is that. And what really shifted it for me and what made me realize it was a journey was the therapist I worked with a few years ago. She was in her 60s and she was saying, claire, I'm still on my healing journey, I'm still. And she had her own therapist and something in my brain just switched with that session of, oh God, if she's still in her sixties, I'm in my thirties. Like she's 30 years ahead and she like had gone on to college she had, you know, she was bought like top qualifications in psychotherapy. It made me realize that I have to stop seeing the healing journey as an end destination. And I think when you have all of the tools and you've spent years working on yourself, when you have a setback, for me there would be a massive shame spiral of but I've done years of therapy, but I've done all the meditating, the journaling like I've done, and it would be such shame and embarrassment, especially as a coach and I talk about this on the podcast and even in therapy like the imposter syndrome that comes up because it's like how are you helping other people If you can't even help yourself, if you can't get yourself out of this dark place, if you can't get yourself out of this spiral, then you shouldn't be doing this work, you shouldn't be helping other people. But yeah, it was actually that therapist, that um was still on her healing journey in her 60s and she was saying to me claire, your anxiety and depression is actually your strength as a life coach. It's not a weakness, it's like that's why you're able to help people, because you know what they're going through, you know, and that again just shifted something in me of, oh god, I'm not a fraud, I'm actually like this is why I care so deeply about helping people and it is that the thoughts of you sharing your journey and someone being in that really dark place and them hearing it and it just giving them even just because that's all you need is just a tiny bit of hope, that where you are is not who you are, and the stories you're telling yourself and everything.
Speaker 1:And even I see with clients, when they come to coaching and they're doing great and they're doing amazing and as is natural, as is normal, they will have a setback, they will take a few steps back and it's this panic of you feel like you've undone all. Like nearly every single client I've had has had this experience where they show up and they're like Claire, I was doing so great, everything was going amazing, and it's like no, this is like you have to see steps back and I actually heard it recently and it really stuck with me of like, even when you're taking steps back, you're still dancing it. Like you have to see steps back as part of the dance. You have to see like, because it does feel like you've taken 10 steps back as part of the dance. You have to see like, because it does feel like you've taken 10 steps back, it does feel like you're back at square one. You're never back at square one because you're not the same person.
Speaker 2:You're not, so it is your row even more from a setback, like you actually do. I think sometimes you I really try to anchor onto the fact of like I'm just around the corner from a breakthrough when I do have a setback. But I totally resonate with everything that you're saying, claire, because you know there was moments, even during our coaching, that I was like why, like I just I was like, but I don't get, like I was just trying to look for the reason behind it all. And you know, I was like I've done, like you know, nearly 10 years of work on myself, like how you know, and it just it's just a reminder that we are all human and we all fall into like traps of perfectionism and traps of feeling like we're meant to be happy all of the time. And you know, I think another important thing to note is is I think you know it's really important that you highlighted there that you know, I think, because we've been through those experiences of anxiety and depression and trauma, we can hold space for other people and I often think that, like you, space held for them, because sometimes, when we're so caught up in emotion and what are and the stories that our mind is trying to tell us it's it's so hard to to rationalize, and that's why you need somebody there who's not feeling the emotion, who's like a little bit kind of an outsider. You know it's not. It's not a sign of weakness, like it's not a sign of weakness at all.
Speaker 2:And you know, I was recently talking to someone close to me about doing therapy and doing a bit of work on themselves and I'm like the biggest narrative that we all need to overcome is that there's nothing wrong with us.
Speaker 2:Like you know, there's nothing wrong with us, and I think a lot of the things that we experience are simply adaptations to the things that have happened to us. You know, and I was saying to this person that I was speaking to, I was like it's like you're driving a car. Life is like you're sitting driving the car and you inevitably are going to hit bumps in the road, because that's what life is about. And sometimes we hit the bumps and after we hit the bumps, we decide our, our mechanism is structured in such a way that it's like you know, maybe I'm going to go a little bit slower and be a little bit more cautious so I don't hit another bump, or I don't go down that road. And that's where, like, the fear and stuff comes from. It's an adaptation to what's happened. It's not you know, it's actually your mind trying to protect you. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, it is that when you zoom out and see it from a higher perspective and you see that, exactly what you're describing, these are all adaptations. And when you don't have the professional support and you can't see it, yeah, think that that's your whole personality. You think that, like I used to think that my mental health struggles was who I was, yeah, and now that I've done so much work on myself and so much healing, I can see that these are parts left over from my childhood and these are protector parts and these are like when you understand and even last week or maybe it was the week before, no, it was last week's I did an episode on functional freeze. So I have a client at the minute that is stuck in functional freeze and I'm explaining to her that when we've been in fight or flight for so long, our nervous system will automatically switch to freeze because it believes the fight or flight is not working, it's not protecting you. So it goes up a level and that level is freeze. But when you're in functional freeze, you're still able to get things done, you're still able to get through your day, get through your week, but you just feel like you're on autopilot.
Speaker 1:And when you explain to people what is happening to them biologically, psychologically, and when you explain that this is a mechanism, it's a survival mechanism, it's this, it's a stress response, you know, it's a trauma response. When you explained them, it's like their shoulders drop. It's like this sense of oh my God, I'm not just lazy, I'm not just sitting on the sofa. And because when she came to coach and she just thought she needed motivation, it's like you do not need motivation, you need nervous system regulation. That's what the missing piece. So is that like, and I think, especially as women, we downplay. It's like we gaslight ourselves that it's not that bad, and it's the same with this client. Until we can't get off the sofa, until, like the way people would describe it is, when you're in functional freeze, everything feels like an effort, everything feels like and it is that, and it's the same with you and it's the same with me we reach out when we hit rock, rock bottom. It is that it's like as women, we try to deal with everything ourselves and we try to fix it ourselves and read a book and listen to a podcast and like even something I'm processing with my therapist at the minute.
Speaker 1:She was like Claire, I know what you're like, you don't need to process this on your own. So in between sessions she was like Claire, this is not something that you process on your own, this is not. She was like I want you to leave this in my office until our next session. She was like you've been processing long enough on your own, you've processed enough stuff on your. And I hadn't even said right, I'm going to go deep. But she knows what I'm like. She knows that I will go and use all my tools and my and like burn yourself out. Yeah, burn myself. And she's like no, absolutely not. She was like you wait until our next session. This is something that somebody needs to hold space for you. Somebody needs to like mirror back to you. Someone needs to like stay in adult mode while you process this.
Speaker 1:So it is that like the hyper independence is so flipping real. So, jesse, like someone that is in that place of, yeah, I definitely need support, like I do, I know I need support, whether it's therapy, it's coaching, like what is that part? Because it does take a lot of courage to reach out like it does, especially when you've hyper independence, especially when you're trying to do healing all on your own and by listening to podcasts and listening to books, like what was it even say with me? So you're listening to the podcast and you're like, okay, claire gets it like dark night of the soul. She gets what this feels like. She gets like what is the point for you that you're like, yeah, I'm doing something about this. I'm actually going to get help with it. What is that for you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, again, that's an interesting question because I think it's so different for everybody and I think that for me, I have never been, I have never been shy of looking for support. You know what I mean. It's never been something that you know I've. I'm always doing work on myself and it's it's not something I kind of leave to fester, um, yeah, I, I don't know.
Speaker 2:I think I think, to be honest with you, claire, I think one of the big things is actually finding the right person, you know. So, as I said, like, I have been doing, um, a lot of work and on myself, um, and I will continue to still do that, but I think it's it's finding the right person sometimes, and sometimes you need different types of people. You know what I mean. Sometimes you need to do just therapy and sometimes you need to do just coaching, and sometimes you need to do coaching and therapy together, and sometimes you need to do Reiki and sometimes you need to do something where there's no talking involved whatsoever and it's all, um, you know, somatic. And I think for me at the time, what I was going through, I just I was definitely, I think, in the couple of weeks before trying, I don't know, trying to figure out. I knew that I needed support, but it was just trying to find the right person at the right time to kind of help me through the wave that I was going through. And I think that, because you know there's sometimes it's really hard to choose and I think I was probably getting overwhelmed by choice and, yeah, I just think your podcast really spoke to me at the time, um, because you were discussing things that I really felt like, you know, it was exactly what I was going through, for sure.
Speaker 2:But I think, you know, I think if I could give advice to anybody, you know, if, if they are thinking about talking to somebody is to just to just take the first step and to do it, and if it's not the right fit, then move on to a different person, because we all click with different types of people.
Speaker 2:Claire, do you know what I mean? Um, and I think sometimes too, I've often talked to people, um, that haven't gone to therapy before and they're like, but I wouldn't know what to talk about, and I'm like you don't have to have this big script of planned out of things that you're going to talk about. The person that you're working with is is trained to, to lead you and navigate you where you need to go. You just have to show up and you know, um, open the doors a little bit and just trust the process. And I always think I'm a big believer in trust in the process and I think whatever is meant to come up will come up, you know yeah, and it is that, the fear of the unknown, the fear of what would I even talk about, what would I say.
Speaker 1:So it is that. And then you need a little bit of self-trust. So, even for you, overwhelming yourself with who do I work with, and choice and what will I, and it's that just tiny, even flicker of self-trust, of, as you said, trust in the process, trust in the you know that you will work with the right person and even, if you need to, you know, try out a few different therapists, a few different coaches. But it is that trust in yourself, trust in the process.
Speaker 1:So, when you look back at the we did 12 weeks together, jesse and when you look back at the 12 week process of working together, what was that journey like for you? So from that you know, okay, claire gets what I'm talking about. She knows what this is like, she's been through it herself signing up. And then, because it is that like sometimes, jessie, when I'm taking on other practitioners, because I have worked with a lot of other coaches, and sometimes I'm like they know so much, like they've done so much of their own healing, and sometimes it is that like, jeez, can you know, can I help you. But it is yeah, but we all need it, we all. So what was the 12-week journey like for you?
Speaker 2:um, yeah, before I get into that, I definitely want to say, like, that's totally even. You know, there was things coming up for me being like, well, I should know how to do this, and but it's just like putting that aside and realizing that you're human and that we all need support, and I was so grateful for your support. Claire, you know you came into my life at a time that I needed to do the most and you know, um, I opened up to you with my vulnerabilities and I felt safe and seen and heard and supported. And you know, as you are aware, I was in a very, um, distressed, over simulated state, like I had been gone back to experiencing panic attacks and stuff which hadn't happened in a while, and you know I was. I was quite vulnerable at the time and it was it.
Speaker 2:It was tough and, um, there was a part of myself that was taken center stage and other parts of me were forgotten about, and I feel like you helped bring me back to myself. You know, and I think, yeah, I just it again. Like anytime you do any work, there's just all these like magic moments that come to you and you're like, oh, like you just have these light bulb moments and it's having a coach that can see you in those dark times and guide you to those light bulb moments and ask you the difficult questions. Because you know it's not, it's not a walk in the park like it's. It's tough, like you know it is tough and you have to, you have to show up in that and you have to trust the process.
Speaker 2:Um, and there was something else I wanted to say there, but I've lost it. Yeah, I, you know, I'm always a person that has goals and I always will be. I love going after the things that I want in life. But, as you two are aware, we didn't I don't even think we discussed anything like that from the start, because we both know, being coaches, that you have got to do out the weeding before you plant new seeds, and we only talked about my goals, like the very last session, the, the very, very last session, which was my podcast, and it transpired. But I knew myself personally that I had to clear out a lot of stuff. I knew that I did and, yeah, I feel like a totally different person, clare. I feel like a totally different person and I feel like a totally different person and I feel like I have uncovered some nuggets that have definitely changed my life, and I am extremely grateful for you for holding such a safe space for me and for again seeing all parts of me.
Speaker 1:Oh, jessie, oh my, my god, thank you so much. And being on the other side and I know that you know this as a coach like it's such a privilege to be part of someone else's journey and I never take that lightly, as you said that like feeling so seen and so heard and so supported to process the really tough stuff and to get to those nuggets of wisdom, to get those light bulb moments of oh my god. This is actually like my when I'm coaching. It's all about the root, like I want, like that's where all the magic is. It's when you get that real root of it and that's when you have that light bulb moment of oh my god. This is actually what it's about and it is that, like you're the same as me, you're very goal like I love goals, I love growth, I love challenging myself, I love expansion, I love going out of my comfort zone and you're very like that.
Speaker 1:And it is interesting that 90% of your journey was the processing parts. Like 90% it was that pulling the weeds out, and. But you couldn't have had that last session where we talked all about your goals and we focused on that without doing all of the, the, the groundwork first, and then in that last session it was like you had dropped this. You know, oh, I've always wanted to do this and I've always wanted to. And literally like in one session, I was like, yeah, okay, this is exact Cause I knew I was like, oh my, like you've so much to, and that's why I even have you on this podcast, like you've so much to share, your journey is so bloody powerful, and it is that. So when you had mentioned in the last session about starting a podcast and you were talking about sometime next year, I was like, yeah, you're like yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I was like, yeah, I know episode is going to be out next week yeah, you really and that's what I love too is that, like again, your mind, yes, it will, it will do things, and you need someone to, like, you know, give you a kick up the arse. Yes, because there's many. Like, what does your fear is taking center stage here, like center stage. And I said to you, claire, I bought a mic four years ago, four years ago, um, and it's been something that I've wanted to do for so long, for so long, um, so I'm very grateful that you helped me in the journey of getting it up and getting it running, because it means so much to me, you know and you're born for this, jesse, like I knew that it was like no, you need to get this, but that is why we have coaches is like, even at the minute she pushes me as well out, of, she's like, yeah, claire, this is just perfectionism.
Speaker 1:Like you're just letting perfection and you're like no, it's not. No, it's not yeah. It's like no, I'm just, I'm just making sure I've all my ducks in a row, I'm just making sure. And it's not like it's our own fear holds us back so much. And it's that like sometimes we just need somebody else to reflect back to us, like the excuses that were like where we're holding ourselves back, where we're like stopping ourselves. What do you think then, jesse, was your biggest breakthrough over, like the time working? Like what do you think was your biggest light bulb moment, your biggest aha moment?
Speaker 2:I feel like there was so many. I feel like you'd ask me that after every session and I don't know what to tell you because there's so many. Yeah, there's one thing that definitely sticks with me and it's that you don't need a reason for feeling, because I think, you know, the last few years for me personally have been extremely challenging. Um, I lost my dad. Um, you know, I have a family member with an addiction issue and there's been lots of things happening and I think I think at the time when I contacted you, it was the first time, I would say, in maybe a year, where there wasn't some big earthquake happening in my life, that there wasn't like this is happening to this person and like really difficult traumatic stuff, and it all stopped.
Speaker 2:And I just think I was like trying to search for the reason of why I was feeling the way I was feeling, and you know what. There probably could have been millions of reasons behind it, millions of reasons, but like it's made me realize that I don't need to justify you know why I feel the way that I feel, and it doesn't have to be like this big investigation, you know, into how I'm feeling, and then I think it. You know, it just sidetracks me onto another thing of you know. I think, yeah, if we talk about tiredness, like we all feel tired and amongst myself and my housemates will come in after a day and we're like oh my god, I'm so tired. Why am I so tired? Like, why do we have to fight? Of course we're tired, it's a natural human emotion. Why do we have to like find a reason behind why we're feeling this way? Why can't we just it's like you don't have to find meaning in every feeling. You know, does that make?
Speaker 1:sense. That makes so much sense, jesse, because and this is part of it's actually a coping strategy where, instead of actually feeling the feeling, we get stuck in our heads. So that was a big turning point for you was, instead of analyzing the feeling. And why am I? You know where does this come from and a lot of our childhood memories. So there's two types of memories explicit and implicit. So explicit is I remember going to the shop with my dad and getting ice cream, like that's an explicit memory. You're using all of your senses.
Speaker 1:But a lot of our memories are implicit, which means they're stored as emotions. So we don't have this explicit memory to attach it to. It's just this sense of like. Even giving an example of like, when my older siblings went off to school and I was left behind, it was like an implicit memory of like that's not fair. Like why do they all get to go to play school? Like why do they all get to go off and play?
Speaker 1:And little three-year-old me thought that I was being punished, that you know, or there was something wrong with me, and that's a very implicit memory of I didn't like I didn't have, because your brain isn't like, the front part of your brain isn't developed, but I remember all of the feelings. So when you're an adult and we talk about like triggers, and something is triggered and something comes up, you're reminded of that feeling, but the feeling doesn't make sense. It's like, you know, somebody said something to you and it's like why am I making such a big deal out like? This isn't a big deal, this isn't. And this is where we gaslight ourselves. We try and like oh sure, I have no reason to be tired. Sure, I've, no sure I slept 10 hours last night. My whoop said I, you know, got a hundred percent. And it is that it's like. Instead of like, instead of actually allowing the feelings, instead of making space for these sensations and processing them, it's and we do. We get stuck with our heads trying to make sense of them and it's so funny.
Speaker 2:I thought, like I mean, another light bulb thing that came through was the. You know, I like you, claire, I mean, geez, how many times we've talked about all the different books that we've read like this is our life and soul, our bread and butter. But I didn't realize how much I was actually rationalizing instead of feeling, and I also uncovered that that rationalizing and that trying to investigate and understand was just another protection mechanism. It's like I need to understand because you know, as we uncovered as well, that like I again have had different experiences and I've seen people in my life going down difficult paths and my you know response to that was to always keep myself in check and to always be good and to not like allow myself to to maybe fall apart or step out of line and not allow myself to actually be properly sad either.
Speaker 2:But you can't like you have to feel and I thought that I was and I'm sure that I was at some points, but it was more definitely overshadowed by rationalizing it and trying to control it and trying to understand it and dissect it like you can't understand an emotion, like you just can't like even with the likes of Reiki and stuff like that. It's so hard for the mind to comprehend it. You have to just like experience it. And it's the same thing with an emotion you have to experience it. It's not. You don't process it by understanding it, you know. So I think that was huge for me, absolutely huge and it is.
Speaker 1:It's such a breakthrough because we're not taught this in childhood. We're taught, as you said, that emotions are inconveniences. We're taught, like you know, don't get emotional, don't get. And it is that when the people around you are going through so much and your default is to be the support person, your default is to be the one holding it all together. It and it's that fear of if I let this stuff come up like game over, I'm done for. And it is that fear of when I started doing this work as well. It's like and I've heard clients describe it before of if I open that can of worms, that's what it feels like. It feels like you'd be completely overwhelmed.
Speaker 1:And it is that emotions are not the problem. It's how we respond to our emotions and instead of reacting to them and just pushing them down and putting a smile on your face and I'm fine, like I, we're such professional pretenders, that's what it is and it's that like. No, these emotions are not inconveniences, they're intelligence and I need to listen to them and I need to just sit with them and just be with them and allow them to pass. Allow, they are not something to fit. Yes, oh, my god, thank you. They're not something we fix or we change or we. It's not. It's awareness and attention and unconditional acceptance, like a phrase I use with myself, a phrase I use with my clients to break down the defenses, is of course I'm feeling this way. That makes so much sense that I'm feeling this way. Of course, if my body is saying this, there's something that I need to pay attention to. So it's that from default and to. Why would I feel like this? Like this is ridiculous, to of course I'm feeling this way, like this makes so much sense.
Speaker 2:I literally have you in the back of my head saying that to me so many times. And it makes sense because you know what for a long time, for a long, long time, I think, I was trying to. I felt like I needed to fix myself, you know, and and now I'm like, no, I need to just love those parts of me and know that they're going to be there. Of course they're going to be there, like, of course they're going to be there.
Speaker 2:A lot of things have happened and it's to not have shame around them and it's to know that, like I think you know, there's something I'm studying at the moment and it's all about, like, the happiness trap, and I think we are so infused by feeling like we need to be happy all of the time, and it's not about never having difficult emotions and never having difficult thoughts. It's like they're always going to be there. And I know that that might sound like really dreadful and doom and gloom, but it's like you know. It's like if they're playing in a, it's like if they're playing on the radio, like you control if you want to turn it up and continue to listen to it, or you just shift your attention and focus on. You know, it's like allowing them to be there, like sorry.
Speaker 2:I'm kind of going on a tangent with that, but yeah, it's just not trying to you waste so much energy and get yourself even more stuck by trying to fix them and get rid of them, you know yeah, it's.
Speaker 1:What's that Chinese thing? You know, you put your two fingers in and the more you struggle to get it like, the more it is you. You put yourself into these binds and these traps of the happiness trap. It's Russ Harris wrote a book. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's Russ Harris.
Speaker 1:He's just done his course actually um, yeah, he's amazing and that is the yeah act, acceptance and commitment therapy. And it is that like unconditional acceptance and it's that seeing your emotions as the weather I always like, and even I use language of what's the weather like today, like, as in my internal weather, it's a bit stormy, there's kind of dark clouds there's, or like it's real sunny, it's really bright, it's real. Because it's that seeing it as like, if we treated the weather the way that we treat our emotions, like, oh my God, it's dark today, like what did I do to deserve this weather? Like what you know, what's wrong with me, what's? And it is that and it's seeing that you're the sky, not the weather, you're the sun, like the awareness behind the weather, and it is that it's.
Speaker 1:We're such products of this toxic positivity culture where we think that the goal is being happy. And it's such a paradox that trying to be happy all the time is the like, fastest path to unhappiness, because you're denying 50 percent of your emotions. You're, you know so, the goal. That's why I do the program pressure to peace. The goal is not to be happy, the goal is to be at peace, no matter what you're feeling. It's that like, no matter what the weather is, no matter what my internal weather is. It's trusting that I know how to go back to my baseline.
Speaker 1:I know how to come back to myself, and it is the I know what you're talking about around obsession with self-improvement, and this is what I see with a lot of high achievers and even coaches even a lot of coaches, absolutely a lot of therapists, you know because it's kind of the underpin of it all, like yeah and it's this sense of like I used to obsess over books and reading and doing courses and everything, and obviously it stood to me like I have all of these tools and strategies now, but it's shifting out of that obsession with self-improvement and focusing on self-acceptance. Like how can I accept myself exactly as I am? And it's that unconditional love, because self-improvement is a coping strategy. It's this and it's driven by this. There's something wrong with me. I need to fix myself, I need to heal myself.
Speaker 1:The most healing thing, the losing battle, it's a total losing battle because you're just reinforcing that there's something wrong with you. The most healing thing you will ever do is like install the belief I am enough, exactly as I am. And that's always what I'm trying to reflect my clients is that like there's nothing wrong with you, you're not broken. Yeah, you have all these coping strategies that are causing you to self-sabotage, but like there's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing we need to fix, there's nothing, you're not broken. It is that like if you, if we, spent half as much time on self-acceptance as we did on self-improvement, you would be a million times happier, you would be a million times healthier. But unfortunately, self-acceptance isn't profitable. So in a capitalist culture. Yeah, if everyone woke up in the morning and decided I am enough, exactly as I am I wouldn't be going out buying everything.
Speaker 2:That's all. These companies make millions off us feeling shit about ourselves like yeah because we're constantly marketed to the whole backs.
Speaker 1:Like the whole back message of marketing is you are missing something and if you have this thing, then you will be whole happy, your life will be amazing. So you're getting bombarded by those messages and it goes into your subconscious that, yeah, I am missing something and there is something wrong with me and we think that the solution is outside of us. Like I used to think that the solution was in the next book, the next podcast, the next course. Like and I was always looking at these gurus like Ross Harris and like putting them on pedestal and it's that like you are your own healer.
Speaker 2:Like you are all the answers to everything within you. Like you do, it's just, it's just some, and you know, sometimes we'll we'll roll on that narrative and other times, like you know what, claire, again, this is not a like box ticked, like I'm fixed, like I am probably going to hit another bump in the road again I always will but it's about you know just what is it. They say you can't go over, you can't go under. You have to go through it and when you go through it, the lessons that you learn, I like, I think that's what life is all about too. I mean, in the moment it certainly doesn't feel like that, like it's horrible, it's horrible, but that feeling afterwards when you come out of it and you're like, wow, like, and then it's evidence to you that you can do hard things, like you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think you know another thing that's just come into my mind that I really want to talk about like for anybody who is considering coaching or anything like that, it's like there's nothing that you can say that a coach or therapist has not heard before, like you know, I like, I think that's so because you can, you know, even as someone who's you know um, experienced anxiety and had panic attacks. Sometimes you think you're like I could never say those things because people would think I'm batshit crazy. But yes, coaches and therapists hear these things all of the time, like you know, so I just hope that that lands to someone who needs to hear it, like yeah, and here we are talking about our own struggles and our own rock bottoms, and it is because there's nothing special about us.
Speaker 1:It is that like we hear it every day in our coaching sessions. As you said, there's nothing you could say. That would surprise me. There's nothing you could say and it is that like shame breeds in secrecy. Like shame breeds in, like it's when you share the things that you're most ashamed of and even for me on the podcast, it's like just this weight being lifted. It's like this, like oh, it's shame wants you to keep it secret. Shame is like if I share this, as you said, jessie, people will think I'm batshit crazy, like I would say that to myself of if I share my rock bottom depression, who the flip wants to work with a coach?
Speaker 2:I know, yeah, absolutely like, yeah, honestly, and it's. But that is what draws like you know, you and I. This is like one of the kind of foundations of my podcast and one of the values that I hold strongly too is that, like, when I show up as I am imperfect and all that invites people to do the same. Like your kind of actions speak so much louder. Like I don't know if I'm explaining that properly, but you, standing up in your vulnerability has more power than you realize and it's, of course, it's difficult, of course you've thought maybe nobody's going to work with me, maybe people are going to think I'm the crazy person, but like, you're just actually sharing true facts about what it means to be human, and when somebody else hears those words, there isn't, there isn't a way to describe what that feels like you, what I mean yeah, it's so bloody powerful and vulnerability takes huge strength it actually and it takes a really strong sense of self.
Speaker 1:Because, for me, when I'm showing up on the podcast, if I'm showing up on social media, the only acceptance and approval I need is my own. And yes, I'm human. I want other people's acceptance and approval because we're a social species. It's not that I don't give a shit what people think of me, but at the end of the day, when you're able to come home to yourself, when you're able to come home to your own acceptance and love, you're just that. The power that comes from that, it's it's. It's the best feeling it really. So wrap it up, jesse, sorry, no, no, no with the your biggest piece of advice for someone that is in the storm. Or if you could speak to your younger self that was going through all of this stuff. Like, what is the one piece of advice? What is your one golden nugget? That you're like, oh, if people just knew this. Or like, if I knew this before my healing journey, it would have saved me so much. Like, what is your one golden nugget of wisdom?
Speaker 2:oh gosh, there's probably loads, but I think I think it's just you're, not your thoughts and your emotions, you know, I think that's a huge thing. It's a huge, huge thing. Um, and just remembering that everything is temporary and that everything passes, like even when you're, even when it feels like it won't, and things have been dragging on for ages everything passes, nothing ever stays good and nothing ever stays bad, and you are so much stronger than you think, so much stronger than you think, um, like I mean, you know, I've I've had, as I said, difficult things happen to me in my life and if someone had told me that they were coming, I would have been like there is no way I would be able to deal with this. But you are so much stronger than you think and, yeah, I probably have 10,000 other ones, but yeah, that's amazing and I love that.
Speaker 1:It is that like that has been my. One of my biggest saving graces is you're not your thoughts and your emotions, like it's it's how you respond to them. It's you are not them and it is that you are so much stronger than you think. You're so much more powerful and you're so much more powerful than any thought or any emotion, and it is that like staying grounded in your power. It is unbelievable. Where can people find out? I'll obviously link your podcast and your social media in the show notes. So if people go to the show notes, but where is the best place to connect with you for people that have listened to your story and they want to connect with you more?
Speaker 2:yeah, so you can find me on instagram at jw healing and, and yeah, from there you can find my podcast, which is the dmc podcast, and that is available on apple and spotify amazing.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, jesse, for coming on and sharing your journey, and I know so many people would get so much from this episode. You are an absolute light in a world that so badly needs it, so thank you so so much you care.
Speaker 2:Thank you, I really enjoyed it same. Thank you enjoyed it same.
Speaker 1:Thank you, wow, wow, wow. How powerful was that episode so fun fact, I actually recorded that with Jesse a few months back. It is only coming to the light of day today and I was actually taking notes on like the nuggets of absolute gold that Jessie had, and I really hope that her story inspires you that no matter how broken you feel, no matter how long you have been on your healing journey like Jessie talked about being on it for over a decade and I was the same like it the healing just felt never ending. And it is that when you stop trying to fix yourself and you start accepting yourself and I love my favorite part, like was all of the talk she did about the emotions that you don't need a reason for feeling that emotions are not meant to be understood, they're meant to be experienced.
Speaker 1:And a lot of the work I do with my clients is building the safety and capacity to sit with discomfort like. One of the mantras I use is sensations are safe and discomfort doesn't mean danger, and I honestly believe that the skill of learning how to self-regulate. It is why it is one of the biggest pillars in my coaching. It is the most life-changing skill you will ever learn, because it touches every area of your life. It touches your relationships, your ability to regulate yourself. It touches your finances, your capacity of how much you can hold, your ability to regulate your income. It touches your health in every single area your sleep, your eating, everything. It touches every area of your life and, like this is what Jesse was talking about.
Speaker 1:The whole episode was learning how to self-regulate, and one of the things I wish I knew on my journey and Jesse talked about this as well was the shame of not being able to self-regulate. The shame when you have all of these tools. That was something I battled for so long. I had all of these tools. Why couldn't I just use them? And the reason for that is when you were that dysregulated like when you're in fight, flight or freeze you don't have access to the front part of your brain, the rational, the logical part of your brain. We're not meant to self-regulate in isolation.
Speaker 1:A lot of our trauma is attachment trauma, which means it's relational. It's trauma in relation to other human beings, which means that the healing happens in relation in connection to other human beings. A lot of the time, we need to borrow somebody else's regulation. So what jesse was doing in coaching. She was borrowing my regulation. So in the coaching sessions I'm so grounded in the present moment, I'm so grounded in safety, I'm so secure in myself. It's actually rewiring the client's nervous system as they build capacity for big emotions, and I had to do that. I had. I was in therapy for years, I had coaches for years that helped me build safety and capacity.
Speaker 1:And I love that Jesse was saying, like not to be ashamed to ask for help, to not, you know, like white knuckle it to do, try and do it all on your own. That is the biggest mistake I made on my healing journey as well, and so I'm saying that to you like, find a therapist that you trust, find a coach that you trust, even a friend, a partner, a trusted person where you can build this capacity and this safety to be your full self. I'm going to leave it at that Before I go. I have a huge favor to ask you. Today's episode is so powerful. I have a huge favor to ask you Today's episode is so powerful If you could send this to one person and help me to help more women come back into their power, their peace, their purpose.
Speaker 1:I would be beyond grateful. Even better if you could share it on your stories. Don't forget to tag me, tag Jessie. I put her handle down in the caption and I'd love to hear your takeaways. What landed for you? What was your biggest aha moment? Please share. And finally, if you are feeling called to work together and you're feeling called to face yourself not fix yourself, but face yourself and free yourself from all of the bullshit beliefs that are keeping you stuck Drop me a message over on Instagram for more information and I will take you through the exact process. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to go over and give jesse a follow. Her instagram is in the caption. She is phenomenal and I cannot wait to see how far she goes. She is such a light in this world and thank you so much again, jesse, for being on the podcast. And thank you for listening and I will chat to you in the next episode.
