Women of Worth

The Cost Of Chaos, Why It's Not Your Fault And How To Take Back Control!

• Claire Fealy

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Ready to switch chaos for calm, confident and content? In today's episode learn how chaos isn’t a personality trait but a nervous system state rooted in unmet childhood needs and reinforced by external validation. 


Get a simple, practical path—Align, Automate, Appreciate—to move from busy and burnt out to calm, clear, and content.

Highlight


• signs of chaos in daily life and work
• hypervigilance, control, perfectionism, procrastination
• the cost of living on adrenaline to health and relationships
• unmet childhood needs and insecure attachment as root causes
• conditional confidence and addiction to external validation
• aligning with values over approval to create inner safety
• simple systems that reduce decisions and calm the body
• appreciation rituals to build unconditional confidence
• peace as a daily practice rather than a finish line
• client transformation and practical examples

I would love if you could share this podcast even with one other woman and help me build a world where women rise in purpose, peace, and power. 

Ready to go from overwhelmed to on fire - just like my client? 

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I'd also love to hear your takeaways. Email me claire.fealy@gmail.com or DM me on IG, linked here  

Don't forget to subscribe, share this episode with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with your biggest takeaway so more women can find their power.


SPEAKER_00:

Welcome to the weapon for us. I'm still uncomfortable and scroll. This podcast is all about because the only person that gets to decide your one is you. Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Women of Worth podcast. On today's episode, I want to go deeper on last week's episode where I was talking about my client who went from chaos and collapse to cruising into Christmas feeling calm, clear, and content. If you didn't listen to last week's episode, definitely go back and give it a listen because her transformation is not just it's unbelievable and it's so inspiring, but it's proof that no matter how busy you are, no matter how burnt out you are, no matter how exhausted you are, no matter how much chaos is around you, that you have complete control, that you can take your power back. And if you've ever wondered why, no matter how much self-help you read, podcasts you listen to, courses you take, spa days you do, no matter how much success you achieve, how good your life looks, why you can never actually switch off, why you can never relax, why you can never just feel calm in the now, feel at peace in the now. And from today's episode, I really want you to get that chaos is not a personality trait. So just like my client, I would have believed that I was just disorganized and I was just, you know, like you mistake it for who you are. It's not a personality trait, it's a nervous system state. And I'm going to show you exactly why in today's episode that chaos is not who you are, it's what you do to survive, it's what you do to stay safe, it's what you do to protect yourself. So, buckle up and let's get into today's episode. So, what does chaos actually look like? And I want to describe like this is what I see with my clients, and this is my own personal experience of chaos. And I'm sharing this because even my client said she didn't realize how, like, in her words, mental her life was. She didn't realize how crazy her life was until she slowed down and she stopped living on adrenaline and burning herself out. So, and this is my own story as well. Like, I used to wake up worried. So before my eyes would even open, I was already thinking of my to-do list, like the thing that woke me up, if it wasn't my alarm. Um, and even my client would describe like waking up in the middle of the night and having to write things down to be able to go back to sleep. So your mind, like even when you're sleeping, it feels like it's not resting. And you wake up with like adrenaline, you wake up like your cortisol levels are so spiked. And usually because you need a hit of relief, you might go for your phone and scroll, or you might um like check what messages you have, check your emails, and you're starting your day already in reaction mode, you're starting your day rushing, you're starting your day like you're already behind, and then you go into work and it's just nonstop doing again because you're still in that mindset of I've so much to do, I'm so busy. Um, like life just feels like this high-speed race, there's no finish line, and you're always behind. Um, you are trying to be everything to everyone. So something I see a lot with my high achiever clients is, and this is so common, you're over-responsible for everyone else, and you're under responsible for others. So I call this other regulating, where you try to regulate your nervous system, like you try to feel calm by being everything to everyone. Like, and clients have described it as if I can make everyone around me happy, then I can be happy, then I can relax. So it's like this um, it's hyper-vigilance. That's what it is. So you go through your day in hyper-vigilance, and on the inside, you are constantly comparing, constantly competing, and it's constant criticism. And you're doing this unconsciously, you don't even realize that you're constantly comparing, competing, criticizing, and your mind is just going a million miles an hour. You're not able to switch off. You don't even realize that you are in fight or flight, you don't because it's it's become so normal for you. It's like you don't know any different. Like I remember when I first went into therapy. Now I'd say I was probably in therapy definitely over a year at this stage, and I remember waking up calm. And in my next therapy session, I asked my therapist, do other people just wake up feeling like, oh yeah, today's gonna be fine. Yeah, I have a few things to do, but you know, it'll be fine. And like the horror when she said, Yes, Claire, like people do wake up just calm and like feeling in control of their day and feeling, and when you heal these deep-rooted patterns, and I'm going to explain where the patterns come from in a minute, there's actually a lot of grief and anger that you spent your whole life living that way, that you like the grief that you you know, that you spent so much of your life waking up anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, waking up worried, right? And even with my client, when she's able to look back and she's like, Claire, how did I even sustain that? Like, how did I manage that? And I'm looking at her like I know, I know, because that's what it feels like when you come out of this way of living. It feels like, how did I even get through the day? Like, how, how, how did I survive that? Um, but when you're going through your day in that fight or flight, and you're constantly in your head comparing, competing, you're also trying to control. And you're trying to control the outer to calm the inner. So you're constantly ruminating over planning. Like for me, this looked like I was always trying to, so say, like I was doing a podcast, right? I was like, okay, after the podcast, then I have to create content. Okay, after I get the content, then I have to reply to my emails. Okay, after that, then I have to do okay, and then next, and once I get, so you make your life into a to-do list, like you become a human doing, and you're stuck in this, like you're stuck in these patterns of hyper productivity, hyper-independence. I have to do it all myself. It's not safe to rely on others because people let you down. And it's like this sense of like only I can do it right. Like, there's no point in asking for help. Like that was one of the biggest things I had to heal on my own journey was letting others help and support me. And it is life-changing when you stop trying to do everything yourself. Your patterns of perfectionism. So, perfectionism is high standards mixed with low self-worth. That's exactly what perfectionism is. It's fear, it's the like drive, the pattern of I'm not good enough, but if I keep proving myself, then maybe I might feel good enough. Procrastination, because all of this is so overwhelming. Like I've had clients and they get home from work and they just can't move off the sofa. Like they're scrolling, they've Netflix on, they know that they need to get up and make dinner. They know, but it's pure exhaustion because all of your energy is put into surviving. Um, when we're stuck in these patterns, we're overworking, overspending, overeating because it's we're just trying to cope with all of the chaos. And I think the worst part of these is the shame spirals. You know better. Like a lot of clients will say to me, Claire, I know what I need to do. I know I need to get up and get out and go for a walk. I know that I need to have my lunch ready, you know, for the next day. I know I need to do a bit of meal prep. And they think it's a lack of motivation, they think that like they're just not disciplined enough when actually they're just exhausted and it's their body speaking to them. And the most important thing I want you to take from this episode is that this is not who you are. This is what you do to survive when your nervous system is stuck in survival mode. So it is not a personality trait, it's not who you are, it's a nervous system state, it's what you create. Like, I'm such a big believer, your outer world mirrors your inner world. And I do believe that the outer chaos is mirroring the inner chaos. And I think where most people go wrong is they try to control the outer to calm the inner. Like, if I could just, you know, fix this relationship, if I could just get this job that I want, like if I could just, you know, find the perfect partner, if I could just have more money, like they they try to solve an inner problem, a dysregulated nervous system, by the way, with outer solutions, and it does not work. So I want you to understand where all of this inner chaos comes from. So the first and the root cause of this, and until you address the root, most people try to change their behavior without changing their beliefs. The root, root, root cause of this is unmet childhood needs. So our most basic biological need is the need to feel seen, heard, and valued. That's what makes us feel safe as a child, right? So I say when it comes to childhood, love is not enough. Your parents might have loved the absolute bones of you. But if they didn't create internal safety, you developed anxious or avoidant attachment styles. And if you're into personal development, I know that you you've heard of these before. So you didn't create secure attachment within. So you attach to things outside of you, whether that's money, whether it is um people's approval, whether it is your job, right? And that creates insecure attachment with yourself. So it creates a lot of inner instability. So what I mean by this, you didn't have bad parents, and this is not about blaming your parents. Most of us were raised by mothers who were conditioned to be everything to everyone and nothing to themselves. And we just learned that pattern, we learned that conditioning. Even my granny, you know, like Jesus, she was everything to everyone. And you know, by the time she passed, like her health was just she was mentally, you know, very sharp and very with it, but her body was just completely given up. And it's when you don't get these needs met in childhood, and it's not bad parents, it's busy parents, parents who their own wounds got in the way of helping you to create secure attachment. So when we don't get that as a baby, even like your nervous system is wired in the first five years of life, that's when the foundations are laid and set. That's when your brain, your nervous system, like that's their their, this is the blueprint, right? So say you had busy parents and you didn't get enough, it's called attunement, right? So you didn't get enough mirroring, you didn't get enough um, like even as simple as eye contact, right? That reassures you that you are safe, that you are loved, that you matter, that you are seen, you are heard, you are valued, you are valuable. Like in the first five years, we are meant to be poured into. Like, imagine like building a house and you pour into the foundations. When you don't get those in the first five years of life, you go through the rest of your life chasing stuff on the outside. You're externally attached, you're not internally attached. And when we had busy parents or parents that didn't, like emotionally unavailable parents, the only story that your brain will tell you to make sense of this is that you didn't get it because you didn't deserve it. That if your own parents can't see you and mirror you and value you, it must be because you don't have value. This is where the addiction to external validation comes from, right? This is the root cause, it's unmet childhood needs. And when you don't get those solid foundations, what you learn is that love is conditional, right? So because your parents didn't pour into you, not because they didn't love you, not because you didn't deserve it, but because they were distracted, they were dealing with their own shit, they were, you know, deep in their own anxiety and stress and overwhelm, right? So because you didn't get that, it destroyed your identity, your self-worth, your sense of self. It made you believe that love is earned, right? So because you didn't get it, you believe that you didn't deserve it. But if I do all of the things, this is when you become a performing monkey. Like for me, I was a high achiever in school. That's how I survived the stress of these unmet needs. I would come home from school. This is how I got my parents' validation and approval. I would come home from school with the gold star, right? And I want you to think of you know, what survival strategies did you have in childhood for this lack of inner safety, this lack of inner validation, right? So you learned that love is conditional, that it is earned, and that you can get love by performing and pleasing and achieving. And because you never got that inner safety, you chase the external validation. So you only feel valuable when others are validating you and appreciating you because nobody ever showed you how to create that from within until today. That's what I'm doing with my podcast, right? So these unmet childhood needs lead to conditional confidence. That means your confidence and your self-worth becomes tied to and enmeshed with and completely attached to your productivity, how much you get done in a day, your achievements, how high you can climb the ladder. Your self-worth and your safety becomes attached to being liked. If people don't like me, I'm not safe because you don't have those solid foundations that we're all meant to get in the first five years of life. And it also your safety and self-worth becomes attached to doing everything right. I can't make a mistake, I can't ever disappoint anyone, I can't ever like do anything wrong because if I do, I will lose love and I will lose safety and I will lose um validation, I will lose my sense of self. Like your sense of self is completely outside of you, it's in the hands of others. So you don't actually ever feel confident, you just feel temporarily validated, and it's like you get these hits of relief, but then it's like external validation, it is an addiction, it's a drug because the more you get, the more you need. That's why, like, even say with me with Abu Dhabi, um like when I went there and I had everything I ever wanted, and I believed that I just needed bigger goals, I just needed bigger, like that. Abu Dhabi wasn't enough. That's when I started a business. That's when I started doing talks because I needed more validation. So I wasn't getting enough validation, like posting my pictures on Instagram of safari in Kenya. Luxury holiday in Zanzibar, like white sandy beaches in the Philippines. Like the more validation you get, the more validation you need. That is why it's an addiction. And then, and this is the third thing, right? Chaos becomes a coping strategy. So you need to stay constantly busy and constantly distracted because it protects you from the your inner insecurities. It protects you from the feeling of I'm not enough. It protects you from your inner critic that is constantly telling you you're not doing enough. So chaos starts with the unmet childhood needs. And then your confidence becomes conditional on the externals. And then eventually chaos just becomes a coping strategy. So chaos is what you do to survive. It's what you do to protect yourself from the pain of being unlovable. You're not actually unlovable, but you believe that you are. This is why it's so, so, so important. Most people try to change their behavior, like eat less, move more, and I lose weight without actually changing the beliefs of why you eat to excess, like why you are emotionally eaten. Like this, like the when you're able to get to the root, that's why my clients get such fast and lasting results. I get messages from clients a year later, two years. I actually last, I don't know if it was this year or last year, I got a message from a client I worked with three years ago, and her life was like the difference was night and day. This is how you actually create real and lasting change, not just temporary hits of relief. Before I get into the solution, and I promise I am going to give you the solution, you have to understand the cost of chaos. When you are living in chaos and in constant anxiety and overthinking, you're never actually in the present. And this is the paradox. What you want the most, you're actually pushing away. So you want love and you want to feel seen and heard and validated and you want to belong. Like that's what you want the most. But because you're living in constant chaos, you're too exhausted to actually enjoy your relationships. Like I often see with clients, relationships is just another thing on your to-do list. Tick, I replied to Mary. Tick, I went for lunch with Sarah. Tick, I called over to the family, but you're never actually present. You're never actually like you're completely disconnected, right? So you're just going through the motions with no emotion. You never actually feel proud of yourself. You only ever get temporary hits of relief and happiness. You're not like the present moment is where all of your peace and joy and love and everything is. But if you're constantly fleeing the present moment, you never get to feel that deep sense of peace and ease and contentment and joy. Like that's what my client was saying when she was like, I feel like I'm cruising into Christmas. Like relaxed. You're actually like it's the difference between, I love analogies, it's the difference between swimming upstream, right? Imagine swimming against the river. That's the chaos. That's when you feel like you're constantly drowning. And the calm is when you relax into the flow. And until you realize how much this chaos is costing you, not just your health and your happiness and your energy, but actually your relationships, what you want the most, deep, meaningful relationships, like they're the real joy of life. But this is also costing you your next level of success. It's it's costing you the life that you are meant to be living. And this is a life that is full, full, full, full, full, full of peace, purpose, presence, inner safety, emotional freedom. You're not escaping yourself, you're enjoying yourself, confidence that isn't conditional, and success that feels even better than it looks. I want you to imagine when you go from chaos to calm, you wake up feeling worthy, you wake up excited for your day, you wake up with purpose and peace. You fly through work because you're not, like it's not the like you've so much more focus and energy because you're not completely frazzled. You go through your day so much more present. And even the client that I did the episode on last week, she was saying how much more connected she feels to people in work, how much more connected she feels to people outside of work. So your relationships become way more satisfying. You eat better, you sleep better, you exercise, and life like actually feels easy. You're in the flow, you've so much more energy, and you're actually able to enjoy life. I need you to know that real success and lasting happiness, it's not outside of you. It is within. It comes from self-mastery, not from stress. Until you are happy with who you are, I promise you, you will never be happy with what you have. You can achieve all of the stuff on the outside. Like I have worked with clients who have multi-million euro businesses. I have worked with clients who have two or more homes. I have worked with clients who have competed in bodybuilding competitions. Like they are elite athletes, right? I have coached clients from all different walks and backgrounds in life that we're all chasing happiness, peace, success on the outside. And it's not until you get the inside right that everything falls into place. One of my favorite quotes, it's from Marianne Williamson. It's how the ego tells us when everything falls into place, then I will be at peace. And your soul knows that once you get your peace, that's when everything falls into place. So let's get into the solution. The solution for chaos is internal. It is a clear mind, a calm body, and a content soul. And it is shifting. This is the big mindset shift that you need to make. You need to stop living for external validation for what other people will think or say or the pat on the back, and instead live for our inner peace. So put peace as your highest priority. And when you rewire your nervous system and you rebuild your confidence from the inside out, that is when like the chaos naturally falls away. Like I'm actually allergic. I feel allergic now to busy. Like if I notice myself Russian, I'm like, oh, Claire, absolutely not, because Russian reinforces that I'm not enough, that I'm not doing enough, right? So I shift out of that like busy, like you just become allergic to it, right? So the process, and I talked about this process last week: align, automate, appreciate. So daily rituals that regulate, rewire, and rebuild. Alignment is disconnecting from the approval of others and reconnecting with your values and your vision and your authenticity. So this is a lot of what I did with my client. And I talked about this last week as well. It's so funny how she did her vision and values at the start of working together, and then coming towards the end, she was like, Oh, Claire, I actually need to redo then because she completely shifted, right? So it's getting out of autopilot, just going through the day, going through the motions with no emotion, and connecting with how you want to feel every day, not what you want to achieve. How do you want to feel? And who do you want to be? This is where the content soul comes in. The more you align with your higher self, with your soul, your soul knows exactly the life that will bring you the most joy, the most fulfillment. And I never tell my clients, this is you know the life you need to be living, this is what you need to do. I am getting them to reconnect with themselves. Um, it's so powerful when you align. The second one is to automate. You need simple, simple, simple systems and daily rituals that regulate your mind, body, and soul, right? When you have these systems in place, like I always say, systems set you free. So when you have structure and predictability and all of that, that makes your body feel safe. Um, when you automate and you put everything in place, like most of the chaos and most of the exhaustion comes from the micro decisions we've to make every day. What will I eat for dinner? Um, will I exercise? When will I right? So when you have all of that in place, your mind calms down so much. It clears completely because you're not constantly trying to figure out what, when, where, how. Like, even I'll give you one of the simplest systems I have. I have three outfits. I have my workout clothes, my work clothes, and then my relaxing clothes. And I set them out the night before. I wake up, get into my workout gear, and it's cozy. And I then, after you know, my morning ritual and I have my shower, my workout clothes are there. And then after I finish work and I'm going for my walk after work, I get into my comfy clothes. And it's just it's these simple things that I'm not opening my wardrobe in the morning and trying to find something to work out in, or opening my wardrobe after my shower and looking at all my jumpers and try and like trying to put an outfit together. That's what's exhausting. So when you automate, you take all of the stress out, and this is what clears your mind. You're not constantly thinking about what, when, where, how, you know. And the last one, and this is the one people always leave out, is appreciation. This is how you break your addiction to external validation. You learn how to celebrate yourself, you reinforce the unconditional confidence. And this is something that my client started doing very early on in her coaching. And I really do think it's it's one of the biggest drivers of her success was the bedtime bliss ritual. And I've talked about this on the podcast before: three wins, three things that went well, your two-minute magic moment, like what was the best part of your day, writing about that for two minutes, and then one even better if like what is one thing that would make tomorrow even better? Um, when you align, automate, appreciate, and you live from a content soul, a clear mind, and a calm body, the chaos naturally subsides, and you start to go with the flow of life. You relax and you let go of the constant hypervigilance and stress and overwhelm, and you get into the flow of life. That's when life feels amazing, that's when your life feels even better than it looks. So I'm going to wrap it up by saying that I want to remind you chaos is not a personality trait, it's a nervous system state. Your nervous system is stuck in survival mode. Chaos is not who you are, it is what you do to survive, it's what you do to stay safe because you never got the foundations in the first five years of inner safety. So you're anxiously attached to things outside of you. That's where all of the chaos comes from. Peace is not a prize that you get when you finish your to-do list or you know, you hit your next goal. Peace is not a prize, it's a daily practice. And my client that I was talking about last week, we discussed the feeling that she gets when she hits big goals. And I asked her, how long does that feeling last? And she realized never very long. So she would get temporary relief and temporary peace when she would hit the next big goal, but then it would be on to okay, what can I do next? Right? Peace is not a prize, it's a daily practice. Confidence, love, and happiness is not earned, it's embodied. When I stopped trying to earn love and I started embodying it, love is not service, it's a state of being. Love is who you are, it is not what you do. Love is not earned, it is embodied, it's connecting with like you are love on the inside. It's living from your heart, not your head, which basically means living from love and not lack. You don't need a new life, you don't need to burn it all to the ground. You need a new way of living, a way of living that prioritizes your peace, a way of living where you have daily rituals that clear your mind, calm your body, and create contentment in your soul. I want you to know that like you have survived long enough. You don't need to keep living in chaos. If I can do this, if my clients can do this, the only difference between me and you, I've taken my power back. I stopped living for external validation and I started living for inner peace. I stopped proving myself and I started prioritizing myself. And if you are ready to accelerate your alignment, your abundance and your happiness, your success, drop me a message. I leave my email and my Instagram over there. Let me know if you want to be my next success story. And hire a coach not because you need them, but because you feel excited to expand into your next level life, into your next level self. You don't have to keep doing this alone. You're not doing anything wrong. You're just trying to do it all by yourself. You are meant to rise with the right support, the right strategies, and with self-mastery. This took me over a decade to master. I am well over 10 years working on myself, therapy, coaching, everything. And what took me over 10 years to get, I can take my clients through in 90 days or less. Most of my clients opt in for three months of coaching, the 90-day program. So if you're ready for your next level life in 90 days or less, drop me a message. I would absolutely love to support you. And if you want to join my January masterclass, I'm already in the prep and planning stages. I am buzzing for it. It is not one that you want to miss. I've never done anything like this before. Make sure you're on my email list because I'll be sending out a wait list soon. I'll be sending out um sign-ups for this masterclass. So all of these links are in the show notes. Remember that your only goal in life is to enjoy it. If you are not enjoying life, it's because you are in your ego. Fear, lack, and scarcity. Once you get out of your ego and you get into the present moment, everything becomes easier. This is not just possible for you, you deserve it. You deserve a life that is dripping in peace and ease and power and purpose and fun and flow and freedom and all those good things. Keep living to enjoy, and I will see you next week. I will chat to you in next week's session. As always, I love hearing your takeaways. Drop me a message, let me know your biggest aha moments, and please help me to help more women rise in peace, purpose, and power. Share this with one friend. Even better, share it on your stories. Don't forget to tag me so I can say thank you. Keep remembering your worth, and I will chat to you in next week's episode.

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Claire Fealy

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