Ep. #148: Prioritizing Relationships - A Guide for Intentional Parents

Relationship order matters more than most parents realize. When we prioritize our spouse above our children, we're not loving our kids less—we're actually giving them the priceless gift of security and teaching them what healthy relationships should look like.

In this episode, we explore the importance of correctly ordering our relationships: 

• The proper order of relationships: spouse first, children second, extended family third, then community
• Prioritizing your spouse demonstrates the foundation of family that God designed from Genesis
• The pitfalls of misplaced priorities include feelings of abandonment for those closest to us
• Practical steps include scheduling regular date nights, creating family rhythms, learning to say no, and praying for wisdom
• Even in difficult marriages, small gestures can begin breaking down walls between spouses

Share this episode with a friend who might need to hear it and subscribe so you don't miss our next conversation about intentional relationships and practical parenting.

Chapters

• 0:58 Setting The Right Relationship Order
• 3:57 Why Spouse Must Come First
• 6:27 Pitfalls of Misplaced Priorities
• 10:32 Practical Ways to Realign Relationships
• 14:58 Living Counter-Culturally for Family Health

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:29

Hey there, parents, welcome back to our show, where we are all about intentional relationships and practical steps to enhance your marriage and your parenting. Listen, today we're talking about something that might feel a little uncomfortable at first, but trust me, it's one of the most important things you can do for your kids Prioritizing relationships and no, I don't mean just your relationships with your kids, I mean all your relationships in the right order, because how we love and care for people in our lives teaches our children how to love and care for people in theirs. So today, on this episode, we're going to just break it down the right order of relationships. Listen, I know better than anyone how much we love our kids as parents. I've been a parent coach for 20 years, so I've worked with hundreds of different couples who just absolutely adore their children and I happen to adore my three as well. And if you're listening to this podcast, and if you're listening to this podcast, you are an intentional parent who pours so much into your children. But listen, your kids should not be your number one relationship. Your spouse has to come first. Yep, I said it. I know some of you just tensed up a little bit, but here's why when you prioritize your marriage, you're giving your kids the security of a strong home. They see what a healthy, committed relationship looks like and they grow up knowing what love, respect and true partnership look like in real life. You see, when kids become the center of the home which often happens after a couple has been married and begin having children the kids become the center of the home and the kids might feel important in the moment, but they also learn then that relationships are all about them being the focus instead of about mutual love and sacrifice, and later they may struggle to be in relationships where they aren't always the center of attention.

Speaker 1: 3:18

So I want you to think about your own child and imagine them in their first dating relationship. If their girlfriend or boyfriend prioritizes, let's say, going on vacation with their family over spring break and doesn't pick their phone up for a few days, if your child is used to being number one, they are going to panic. This is going to be a very difficult situation for them to navigate, because they're not used to distance. They're not used to something else taking a little bit more precedence over them. So here's the order Spouse first. Your marriage is the foundation. The two of you are what started your family and in order to stay friends through the years of rearing children and beyond, when they leave the home, your spouse must be first in the order of relationships. Kids definitely come second. They're our offspring, they are the gift and the fruit that came from our marriage, the foundation of the family. Right, kids should be loved deeply, but not above your marriage, and then next extended family and friends Again very important relationships, but not your core relationships. Then comes neighbors and your church community, vital for support, right, but not at the cost of your home life. This is the way God designed it. Let's think back to Genesis. He put Adam and Eve together first, before children were ever in the picture. The family unit started with a couple, not kids, and when we honor that design, everyone benefits, including our children.

Speaker 1: 5:28

There's some real pitfalls of getting it backwards and I know because there were many, many years in my marriage where I prioritized my kids above my spouse. I basically benched my spouse and was running the ball down the field on my own, kind of doing everything for everyone in my family, and my spouse took a back seat, and that's a very sad thing that happens in family life. A very sad thing that happens in family life. So the beauty in all of this and the beauty in this message is that there is hope. You can turn your priorities around as soon as today, prioritizing your spouse. But the pitfalls of getting it backward are that when we mix up our priorities, these relationships, the people closest to us our spouse and our kids end up feeling abandoned. Right, we had these close, tight-knit relationships with them and then all of a sudden they feel detached from those and that's traumatic for them. So I don't know, have you ever found yourself kind of saying yes to every church event or every volunteer request at the school or every friend who asks for your help, while your spouse and your kids get your leftovers? Maybe you show up big for people at work because you get a paycheck in recognition, while your family just expects you to be there. That can feel heavy, right, it's actually easier sometimes to help people who don't have expectations of us.

Speaker 1: 7:15

I understand that there's no strings attached. I understand that there's no strings attached. It's a clean transaction your time, your effort and then a thank you or a paycheck. But family family is messy. There's no end of the shift. There's no bonus check for being a great spouse or parent, but your family should never have to wonder if they are your priority.

Speaker 1: 7:44

Listen, the pressure to be everything to everyone is highly overrated, and I want to take a second to just talk to the moms here, because I know there's so much guilt. Talk to the moms here because I know there's so much guilt around this. I've talked to many mothers who say they feel guilty if they spend time with their kids but they haven't connected with their husband. Yeah, that's because the order of priority is kind of mixed up and your conscience is speaking to you. Or you feel guilty if you take time for your marriage and then you leave your kids with a sitter. Oh, another set of things to feel guilty about. And let's not even start on feeling guilty for not keeping up with friendships like you used to before having kids. That can be a real issue as well. But let me free you from that guilt.

Speaker 1: 8:40

Okay, having a big, active social life as a parent? It's not realistic and it's okay. You are in a season of life where the main focus is your home. You were called by God to be a married person and to be a parent, and that's where the focus needs to reside and that's actually where you're going to find your joy and your fulfillment is saying no to some of those extra outside things that aren't core relationships for you. Now you can still have friendships, but if your life looks like a weekly rotation of girls nights and like deep hearts to heart with five different friends, while your husband and kids are barely getting quality time with you, something's out of balance. And the same thing goes for you guys. If you're prioritizing your career and you're traveling multiple days a week and then on your days home, you're so exhausted that you can't date your spouse and you can't prioritize helping around the house. This is a misorder of priorities in your relationship. So I'm going to give you some practical ways to reprioritize the relationships in your life. What can we do to make sure that we are keeping our relationships in right order?

Speaker 1: 10:11

Number one schedule your marriage first. At Family as a Character, we always talk about the family calendar and how, if something isn't on the calendar, it doesn't happen. So scheduling your marriage first means putting a weekly or bi-weekly date night on the calendar. Yes, get the sitter. And no, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. You don't have to feel guilty about that. A healthy marriage is absolutely one of the best gifts you can give to your children. And if you don't nurture the relationship through dating, through attentive conversations, through a 15 minute check-in with your spouse, when you meet back up at home, at the end of the day, the relationship is going to fail, friends. So prioritizing that time with your spouse and actually scheduling it on the calendar is the most important thing you can do to keep your marriage the foundation of the family.

Speaker 1: 11:23

Second is create family rhythms. Set aside some consistent quality time as a family, whether it's Sunday dinners or Friday night fun, family night right, daily bedtime prayers. These are ways that you can build that unity within your family. So you're dating your spouse, you're making time to connect with your spouse for 15 minutes a day, which, by the way, is less than 1% of your total day. Doing those things, in combination with some family rhythms with your kids involved, helps reinforce that security for your kids where they really understand that they matter and then learn to say no right. You don't have to sign up for every committee or help every friend in crisis. There is absolutely no trophy or no bonus check for doing that kind of thing.

Speaker 1: 12:26

If saying yes to others means saying no to your spouse or kids. Take a hard look at that and really reconsider and then pray for wisdom. One of the best prayers as parents we can pray is just to ask God to show us where our relationships are out of order and to give us the courage to realign them. You know, that's a real prayer of humility, where you say Lord, just show me where I've got it backwards, just show me how it is that I am prioritizing other people above my spouse or even my work above my kids. Help to show me where my weak points are so that I can do something to correct that order of priorities.

Speaker 1: 13:18

Listen, I know this is hard. It can be a difficult message to hear and if your marriage feels like it's on the rocks, I get it. Sometimes you feel like hanging out with your kids or investing more time in your kids. It's a good escape from the hardships of what you're going through in your marriage. But if that's you, if you're listening right now, and you say my kids are way more fun to hang out with than my spouse, I want you to just pray and ask God to soften your heart, to just soften your heart towards your spouse and make one small effort to do something for your spouse that might kind of break down that wall today, that might invite them back into your space in a kind way. It might be a simple note in their lunch or on their bathroom mirror, or just grabbing their hand and saying you know what this is rough, but we're going to get through this and I'm committed to be your teammate. I am for you, I am with you. We are on the same team here. Sometimes that's all it takes to just break down that wall and get connected again as husband and wife.

Speaker 1: 14:37

I know that this message of prioritizing your marriage even above your kids is quite countercultural, and that's okay. A lot of our messages here at Families of Character are countercultural and we're good with that. We understand the truth and what God calls us to and we're not afraid to share that because we know that that's where true joy and fulfillment in life comes from. So when the world tells you to do it all and be super involved in your kids' lives and to be an amazing friend and an all-star volunteer and a career rock star, I want you to think at what cost Parents, your kids, are watching you.

Speaker 1: 15:23

They will learn how to prioritize relationships by how you do it. They'll learn to cherish their spouse because they saw you cherish yours, and they will learn to set boundaries because they saw you protect your home. They will learn that family matters because you made them feel secure in yours. So take a deep breath. You don't have to be everything to everyone. You just have to be faithful to the order God has given you, and that starts friends at home. Listen, thank you for spending this time with me today. If this episode encouraged you, I want you to share it with a friend who might need to hear it too, and, if you haven't already be sure in your podcast app, to hit the little plus button up at the top and subscribe so you don't miss the next episode of the Families of Character show and listen. Until next time. Keep loving your family well and living with intention. I'll catch you on another episode of our show real soon. Take care, friends.