The Families of Character Show
We serve parents who want more for their family. Our show offers research-based parenting solutions to the most common family problems, real-life parenting stories, and authentic support. The host, Jordan Langdon, is a wife, mother, and Licensed Clinical Social Worker who validates what parents go through and offers practical actionable steps parents can implement today to transform their families in joy and unity. Guests are experts in their field of work and provide high-value material for parents and families.
The Families of Character Show
Ep. #152: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex with Dr. Mario Sacasa
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Have you been putting off "the talk" with your kids? That uncomfortable conversation about bodies, relationships, and sex that just feels too awkward to navigate? Take a deep breath – you're not alone, and this episode will completely transform how you approach these crucial conversations.
Dr. Mario Sacasa, licensed marriage and family therapist and father of four, brings refreshing wisdom to what many parents dread most. The breakthrough insight? It's not about having one perfect, scripted "talk" – it's about creating an ongoing dialogue that evolves as your child grows.
• Parents are the primary and perfect people to have these conversations with their children
• Starting age-appropriate conversations as young as 5-6 years old creates a foundation for healthy understanding
• Teaching kids the difference between lust (taking from others) and love (serving others)
• The ultimate goal is helping kids understand God's design for their bodies, relationships, and sexuality
For more resources on talking to your kids about sex, relationships, and faith, visit Dr. Mario Sacasa's website or listen to his podcast "Always Hope."
A children's book we recommend that teaches kids about how to navigate inappropriate pictures on the internet is Good Pictures, Bad Pictures by Kristen Jenson, MA.
To learn more about how to move well beyond "The Sex Talk", we recommend this thoroughly revised version of Beyond the Birds and the Bees, by Greg and Lisa Popcak. It offers a comprehensive guide to raising sexually whole and holy children.
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Hey parents, let's face it, talking to our kids about sex can feel awkward, stressful and like one of those conversations that you just want to put off. But here's the truth you are the perfect and chosen person to have these conversations with your kids, and if you don't feel ready, we've got you. We're here to equip and encourage you every step of the way. Today on our show, we're welcoming back Dr Mario Sacasa. He is a Christian counselor that you loved from episode number 140 on accepting differences in marriage, and this time he's helping us to understand how to guide our kids through the beauty of how God created them body, mind and soul and what that means for relationships and sexuality.
Speaker 1:And listen, parents, you don't have to be perfect. You don't need all the answers, but you do need a starting point, and this episode is it. I'm confident that after listening to this episode, you'll feel relief, direction and have some practical ways to begin these talks at any age with your kids. So stick with us. It's time to take the pressure off of this conversation and step into it with confidence and grace. Dr Sacasa, welcome back to our show.
Speaker 2:Jordan, you are so kind to have me back on so quickly. Thank you so much. I am excited to have this conversation with you because it is absolutely important.
Speaker 1:So, so important. And, dr Scassa, you and your wife Kristen have been married for over 20 years. You're raising four kids and you're also a licensed marriage and family therapist and have been in practice for 15 years, and you're also the podcast host of a show called Always Hope, where you really provide solutions to life's challenges that are grounded in faith and psychology. So you've got like the full package here for our audience. You're in the trenches with us as a husband and a father and you've got the expertise to go with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I didn't realize how helpful of a degree it was going to be in terms of my own parenting, but it's actually been phenomenal, since I'm like, oh, these conversations pop up and like, okay, I think I'm a little bit more prepared for this than maybe some of my peers are, by virtue of the clinical training and the conversations I have with my clients.
Speaker 1:Praise be to God. We're glad that we have you. Last time you were on the show, you and I touched on the idea of dating and what this season of parenting is like, when your kids start dating, and during that talk we promised the audience that we would circle back on the mic and give some practical tips of how to talk to kids about sex and dating and all of that. So look, here we are, we're back, here we are.
Speaker 2:We are people of our word. That's what we like to think.
Speaker 1:That's exactly right. We do what we promise we're going to do. Integrity.
Speaker 2:We're going to do it. Integrity that's right that we do what we promise. We're going to do Integrity we're going to do it, integrity.
Speaker 1:That's right, that's right. Well, where do you think we should begin with this topic today?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a great question, Absolutely great question. The place to begin is to recognize that it's not just a talk. Okay, first and foremost, I think we hear this in our culture, in our society. It's like oh, when did you have the talk with your parents, or when should you have the talk with your kids? And we have to break that language because it's not a single talk.
Speaker 2:It's a series of conversations that we're going to have with our kids, from the time that they're little to the time that they leave their house and beyond, and what we're trying to instill in them again is an understanding of God's plan for their body, god's plan for marriage, god's plan for sexuality, helping them to understand that from a little age and using age-appropriate language there to they're bigger and using more age-appropriate language at that front also.
Speaker 2:And the reason that this is important is because what we're trying to do is we're trying to set up our kids for success and set up our kids to be able to navigate the complexities of the world that we live in, and we want to be able to set the stage for this conversation, and so I think it's important for parents just to so we're getting started here to take a deep breath to recognize that, yes, we're going to feel awkward, yes, it's uncomfortable, yes, this topic brings up all sorts of questions about our own experiences with this topic and the conversations we've had. And it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay, all right, we're going to have a great time today.
Speaker 1:That's right. That's right. Just shake it off parents. Shake it off folks, that's right, it's not just about one talk. I love how you said it. It's a series of talks, it's conversation and really using age-appropriate language and even starting as young as five and six to talk to kids about their bodies and relationships.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. So. Let me start with the story. Okay, my oldest is 20, and then number three was six years younger than him, right? So when he was six, he had the question mom's pregnant? And so he had the question you know where, where do babies come from? And uh, and we said, all right, bud, you know well this is so already thinking about this beforehand. And I said, uh, storks, you know storks is is where babies come from. And we just left it as that.
Speaker 2:No, I'm just joking, obviously, make it super awkward on them and just make up random lies, anyways, no, but what we told them is we said, listen, big guy, um, uh, god loves mommies and daddies so much that he's given us a special hug. And when mommies and daddies share this special hug, god blesses it sometimes, and that's where babies come from. All right, and so that's what we told them one night when we were putting him to bed, and that was all he needed to know in that moment. He's six, he doesn't even know all the intricacies of his body, how his body works, how a woman's body work. He doesn't need all of that just yet, but what he does need at a young age is an understanding that babies are connected to something physical, there's a special hug that's there and that God blesses it right there, right out of the gates. I want to enter into his imagination that it's in the covenant and the covenant of a sacred relationship that there's something happening here. There's something unique, there's something special and God blesses it. All right. That's the tone that I want him to know and that's theology of the body, church teaching and sexuality, kind of at its 101, most basic level. Those are the things we wanted to tell our kids.
Speaker 2:So I said, do you have any questions? He said no. And what I've learned over the years is that often I'm the one that's ready to like talk more than they are, because they don't know the topic and so whatever we tell them is all they need to know. So he was satisfied with that answer. No big deal Went to know. So he was satisfied with that answer. No big deal. Went to bed the next morning I'm getting ready to go to work. Gabriel pops his little head up around the kitchen. He sees Kristen and I giving a little kiss and a hug right before I leave for work, at which point Gabriel looks out around the kitchen. He goes are you guys doing the special hug?
Speaker 1:I love it. It's that that right there, no, no, but that's, this, isn't it.
Speaker 2:This isn't it. We're not. No, get out of here. We can't come back to your room. Yeah, Kids are great. Kids are great. So, just like just telling parents, I mean, that's, that's. That's sometimes it, just as we're beginning the conversation when they're little, all they need to know is super simple stuff, but at least we're beginning to set the stage for what's going to come down the pike as they get older.
Speaker 1:Yes, and you made such a good point that often we have this urge or this temptation to share more, but it's important to be mindful that the kids come to the table with really not much information at that age right. Five or six. They're just like wait, how does this happen? And so asking them for like hey, do you have any other questions? Maybe they don't. That's enough. That's sufficient for now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's exactly right. And even as they get older when you're talking about 10, 11, when we start needing to have conversations about puberty and the changes that are going to happen in their body, I view my role as a dad is to help prepare my kids for the changes that are going to happen, and so, being armed with the information that I do have, I try to prep them for it and saying, okay, like these are some of the things that are about to happen, these are some of the changes that are going to occur. We can have that conversation in those preteen years and then we can get into further distinctions about, like, what actually happens with the changes and all of that. But anytime that I introduced this topic or had these conversations with my kids, it's almost always me expecting more to come out of it from their side. But, as we've already indicated, they're little and they're innocent, they don't really know, and so they're very receptive to whatever it is that we tell them. And again, I think it's important for us to be proactive as parents and to have these conversations with our kids so that they do understand what the church teaches, what the Bible tells us about God's plan for marriage, what the Bible tells us about God's plan for family life, because we want that to be the foundation.
Speaker 2:So often, what happens in our society is that, unfortunately, kids are just exposed to pornography at such a young age that that ends up being the first encounter with this conversation and that then becomes the template upon which everything else is compared to. And that's not what I want. I want our kids to be able to understand what God's plan is and then from there, that whatever, whatever comes on the other side of that will be um, will be compared to that All right. So so, gabriel, for example, as he was getting older and we're now we're having conversations about the changes that happen in the body, we can get some specifics about how to have that discussion with your kids. But he was reading, he was reading the Bible, actually of all things, and the word rape popped up somewhere in the old Testament, as it does, and and he said you know, dad, what's what's rape?
Speaker 2:He didn't know what that meant but we had context for for what sex is in terms of love, relationships, family, um God blessing it intimacy, vulnerability, and I was able to explain what sexual violation is in the context of that, and he got it, he understood, he understood it, he understood how hurtful that action can be, um, and so there's so many points that I can say that, like when we set, like, the foundation, when we, when we determine what the language is going to be around this, anything else becomes a comparison to that.
Speaker 2:So, whether we're talking about something like sexual violation, whether we're talking about questions of sexual morality or attraction, things that pop up in TV shows, now, how to be able to tell your kids how to navigate those distinctions as well, when we set the foundation, when we set the language, the definition, the terms, we don't have to be afraid then, because now we've equipped our kids to be able to know what's going on here, to be able to help them then to see what's going on in the world and how they can distinguish and decipher what they're seeing compared, to be able to help them then to see what's going on in the world and how they can distinguish and decipher what they're seeing compared to what they're experiencing at home.
Speaker 1:I read one time that the foundation for a child's attitudes around relationships is actually already formed by the age of five. And you make such a great point. If we are talking to our kids at a young age about God's design for marriage and sexuality and we start to say that at a young age, then they realize that true love is about serving others, not just serving ourselves.
Speaker 1:And you mentioned pornography and people being exposed to that, and that's the first time they've, kind of you know, had a conversation or a run in with their parents about sex and sexuality and just how you know, viewing pornography, participating in sexual acts that serve only yourself is, is just you know that that that blows people's minds right. It's just like whoa, what there's, this, and then there's there's what I you know know is is good and and beautiful for me to to serve another person.
Speaker 2:So that just came up in my mind when you were talking.
Speaker 1:It's just like this idea that it's our role as parents to help model healthy relationships for our kids and to understand that they already have kind of that foundation set some way by the time that they're five.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right. And so, like PDAs I don't know how comfortable you are like kissing your husband in front of your kids or like telling parents like it's okay to I mean, hold hands, snuggle, just sit, just displaying healthy amounts of physical interaction is absolutely important for us to model that for our kids so that when we're having these conversations there's some context for it. Right Again, like it's not, I'm not trying to be explicit, that's what I'm saying. Obviously, keep the doors locked and make sure the kids are asleep. When you're sharing intimacy with your spouse, but being able to display healthy amounts of physical interaction and being healthy physical display with them as well, so that that model is appropriately set, you know, as you've indicated.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, just yeah. And recognizing that you know, I think when you think about a conversation with your kid about their body and God's design for their body, that conversation is actually so much easier than this dreaded conversation that we all feel this pressure to have with our kids when we become parents, like, oh, when they turn 13, we're going to have to have this, have to have this one singular talk that everything else hinges on for our kids, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right, and then also I remember too, thinking like well, I didn't get that talk with my own parents. Really I remember in religious education going and it was like we kind of like talked around it. And so then thinking when you become a parent, if you haven't had the talk or the series of talks with your own parents, then you're just like terrified, like I hope they pick this up somewhere. I hope you know somehow they get the right message. But going back to the introduction, like we, the parents, are the chosen ones to have these conversations with our kids right?
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, absolutely. Parents are the primary educators of the faith. I mean, like we are what, what gives the foundation to, to our children? And listen, I didn't get this talk from my parents I think my sister, who is 10 years older than me, who's also a counselor I remember it was like my I was like a senior, I think, packing up graduated, getting ready to go to college, and she steps into the room and she was sweet and she goes. You know, mario, you know, if you ever have any questions about girls or sex, you know, happy to answer and she was so sweet asking the question.
Speaker 2:But in my 17 year old you know kind of knowledge, I was like, ah, I think you're a little late for that conversation, but I appreciate it, you know type of thing you know. But but that was like the extent that I got and so we've taken the opposite approach with our kids. As I said, six years old, where do babies come from? I joked about the stork. Don't give them, don't say the stork, you know, don't watch boss, baby. It's Find language that feels comfortable for you as they then get older 10, 11, and you start having to need to talk to them about the changes that's going to happen. I only have boys, so maybe you can explain this from your perspective as a mom with women. But for boys, it's good to be able to explain to them that changes are going to happen, and explaining it in a positive sense. You know, so often we approach this topic with a sense of awkwardness or discomfort, which it absolutely is but helping them to understand like why are these changes happening within our body? Your body is transforming from being a child to becoming an adult and the changes that need to happen are important for you Like. It's necessary for you and for these changes to actually happen. And so what's going to happen? Well, your voice is going to start dropping, you're going to start getting muscles, you're going to start getting hair and funny places, you're going to get pimples. Why is because the body is starting to change. But for boys, what happens in, like the first, I don't know couple of years, from 11 to 13, when puberty kicks in, their testosterone rate increases by something like 400%. And so that's why you see these boys like one day they wake up and you're like where'd those muscles come from? You're a man, like what happened, and so you could joke about it in a way that doesn't shame them.
Speaker 2:Because they're so sensitive at this age, because so much is happening, we want to be cautious with our language. As parents, we want to be able to encourage and we want to make jokes, but not in a way that is inciting shame. We want to help them see that, yes, you feel uncomfortable, we get it. Your body's changing. One leg's longer than the other, one arm is longer than the other.
Speaker 2:All of a sudden, you just grab like my boys grabbing drawers. All of a sudden, the muscle memory that they had when they were 10, changes when they're 12 and they're ripping the drawers off because they're stronger. Now you know the holes in the walls, the whole bit, right. You know all of that's normal, like it's all part of part of what's happening, you know, in their development, and so you want to start by normalizing the changes and helping them to see that these changes serve a really important purpose. As they get older this is what I tell my boys the women in their life are going to need the strength that they're developing. They're going to need the capacities that they're developing right now, the skills that they're acquiring, the things that are happening. All of this is absolutely important for them and I want them to know that, not in a way, again, that produces too much shame or produces too much pressure, but just to help them ease through this transition that we all went through at their age.
Speaker 1:So important to acknowledge the changes that are happening that we can recognize physically in them their voice, the hair on their bodies, their size, the growth spurt the smells, know hair on their bodies, their, you know size, the growth, the smells, the fun fun little smells, yes.
Speaker 1:And for girls having their menstrual cycle and and feeling extra sensitive around certain times of the month, it's so important for us to address this in a natural way with them, Right? I love your idea of just saying you know, hey, this is supposed to happen. This is actually God's design. He is changing your body in preparation of something bigger than yourself. This ability to join with another man or woman and the two become one and your body is healthy and it's ready to produce children Like this is a great and beautiful thing. Clunky, yes, awkward, yes, right, but it's all for the greater good.
Speaker 1:This is a good thing. I read just something in this, this book beyond the birds and the bees by. Lisa and Greg Popchek.
Speaker 2:Popcheck, Popcheck. Yes.
Speaker 1:And they were just talking about how important it is for us to talk to our kids at a young age, when they're going through those hormonal changes, about how culture will tell us, when we get that feeling or that tingly sensation inside our bodies, that that is really meant for sex.
Speaker 1:And that means like go after the girl or go after the guy, and you know it's sort of like this, go get a mentality like, like that physical sensation indicates you ought to pursue this person for the sexual act. And what God tells us is that those little signs that our body gives us, the tingling sensation, that hyper-awareness of the person of the opposite sex, is actually a signal to tell us you ought to serve this person, Do something kind for them, not necessarily go pursue them for sex, but it means we were made to serve others and so it's okay to be able to appreciate the beauty in a woman or the you know the appearance of a man and recognize that feeling. But if we have that frame, that framework that that feeling indicates that we should serve them in some beautiful way, in a friendship way or whatever, that's totally a different lens.
Speaker 2:Yep, absolutely. John Paul II, in his Theology of the Body, has some wonderful language about being able to decipher within ourselves what is lust and what is love, and he recognizes and articulates that it's very complicated, even interiorly, even for adults. Sometimes we can get confused, even within the context of marriage. Am I pursuing my wife right now? Am I making an imitation because I desire her, goodness, I want to serve her, or is it just because I'm tired and I want some type of emotional release at this point and know and wanted to be able to to navigate that? And so GP2 says it's it's important to recognize that those variances and those nuances can be confused, but that it's important for us to start doing that work of reflecting and understanding. Okay, what movement is leading me towards to use the pop check language service of another? Or what movement is moving me towards wanting to take, go conquest that person? I think was kind of the language that you were using. Okay, want to be able to get something from them or want to be able to give something from them? That desire interiorly can be very confusing, and so it's important again, just to help our kids understand that, as these systems are turning online, that like those. All that new feels are going to be a little bit different.
Speaker 2:I remember with each of the boys when they first started noticing girls like I just remember and noticing the female body. It's like you just walk in and all of a sudden the head just gets caught. It's like, oh, what's he? Oh, you need to look at that, birds. It happens early. It happens early. You know it happens and you're like, okay, well, what do you do? Do you just like, do you shame them and say, don't, don't, don't, do that. No, you try to navigate and be like, okay, let's, let's just kind of redirect, help them understand how to be able to be respectful, how to be able to appreciate somebody's goodness and their beauty without falling into lust. With that I mean these things are complicated, complicated feelings for adults, and so I think this is why it's so hard for parents to step into this conversation, because often I think what parents feel is the shame of their own experiences related to this topic.
Speaker 2:Maybe people are listening to this and had a conversion after marriage or came back to Christ after marriage and are like I'm the last person to give my kids advice because look at all the things that I did before I got married. And so the problem is that your kids don't know any of that history and we come into this conversation and think that we don't have credibility because of what we've gone through in life or the mistakes that we've made. Um, or maybe we were Christian and we made mistakes along the way Okay fine, but the problem is that we, our, our kids, do not know or do not understand our history, do not understand the shame. That's fine, like, just check that aside and still do what's necessary to help prepare your kids so that they can make better decisions than the ones that you made.
Speaker 2:And so anybody who's listening just want to encourage you and recognize that I get it, I get it. I get it. Do the work that you need to do to come to peace and acceptance about your story so that you can embrace that as the journey that God has put you on. And you have an opportunity here to be able to instill something different for your kids and be able to help them navigate this in a way that you weren't able to. And so just want to just genuinely, genuinely, genuinely encourage parents here to to come to peace so that they can be better prepared to equip their children.
Speaker 1:So good, so good for myself as well. I mean you're navigating things in teen life and the pressures of your friends, and if you don't have a foundation for these conversations, and safe conversations with your parents, then you're talking to your friends about this and, like one 15 year old to another, is the blind leading the blind.
Speaker 2:You got it. Yes, jordan. Yes, with TikTok experts along the way, you know, telling them what to do.
Speaker 1:Yes, oh yes, this is not the way we want our kids to navigate sex and sexuality, and so I love how you genuinely give parents permission to do their own kind of healing around their past and to give themselves grace with the information that they had at the time and how they chose to navigate those relationships Because, like you said, our kids don't aren't preloaded with all of our shameful past, you know, and they're like, oh, let's see what kind of advice she's giving Exactly.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly, exactly, yes. But we think that I mean that's, that's what we're waiting for. We're waiting for that accusation Exactly what you said to be thrown back in her face because of what we went through and they don't again. They don't know, they don't know, and so we can share. Just I don't briefly and say like listen, this has been a learning process for me too.
Speaker 2:I don't think our kids need to know all of our experiences. We don't need to tell them everything. We probably don't even tell them anything honestly but like just helping them to see that, like it's okay and we're going to get through this, and that disposition is what's going to help them as they continue to grow and as they start dating and as they start making mistakes and as they start getting exposed to things. Like it's going to happen, life is going to intervene. You can put yourself in whatever Christian bubble that you want and think that you're not going to be exposed to it, but it's going to happen, it's going to happen. And so, again, what we're trying to do is give them the knowledge that they need so that they can develop the best choices that they can make, so they can develop the best virtues that they can develop around this area, and that's what we're trying to do as parents.
Speaker 1:No, you mentioned the word virtue and just I think of this conversation and chastity being the virtue that we need to work on with our kids to help them love the right person at the right time in the right ways. That's truly what chastity is. Do you use that word with your boys? I'm curious, because you hear the word chastity and purity. I actually don't think I use the word.
Speaker 2:I actually don't think I use that word as often as maybe I should, but I guess I don't because the purity culture has a bad taste in my mouth. Uh, I read I kissed dating goodbye when I was in, uh, like a freshman in college, and I guess I didn't have, as as as it didn't shape me as much as maybe it did some of my peers or others. But the purity culture, that type of rigidity, um that that, that that language to me, um, has a it's a very sour taste in my mouth, and so I understand what the good that those books and that movement was trying to do. But we want to just take the good and walk away from what's bad and not create a system where it's overly rigid.
Speaker 2:Again we're trying to respect our children's freedoms. We're trying to instill them virtues. We're trying to help shape them in a way that their consciences are formed so that they're making right decisions, and not just trying to impose a set of standards onto them that they have to conform to or not.
Speaker 1:I like that because you're saying I'm not just starting with a word and giving them one word to carry with them into teen life and college. Like chastity, be chased yeah yeah, yeah, you know just but? But the understanding of relationships, respecting another in a relationship, respecting yourself, saving yourself for marriage because of the goodness that you're going to get out of it, not because of the shame that'll be put upon you if you do the opposite.
Speaker 1:Right, not because of the shame that'll be put upon you if you do the opposite right. So you're leading with a, if you follow God's plan for your life in this beautiful, natural way, which is really really hard, you're going to reap these amazing benefits.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's right and so, but that is chastity Again, what you just described is chastity, is purity, and so I do use that word, but I try to just massage it, I guess a little bit differently. So we actually get to the point, without all the cultural buzzwords or hangups that may be associated with it, which may be my issue as well, and I'm willing to be called out on that, and that's fine. But to each his own.
Speaker 1:That's right. I think we need to meet our kids where they are Right, and so if, if they tend to be very intellectual types that want to know, like what is that called, what is that word, what? What word must I use with other people which still might not work for them because their peers might be like what chastity, what? I don't even know what you're saying.
Speaker 1:You know, so I think we know our kids best and that's the message that you and I are trying to send to people right now is that you are the primary educator of faith and morals in your family, whether you feel prepared or not, and you know the words best to use with them. Yep, absolutely when to join them in this conversation and when.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we live in a day and age where information is available to us, so you don't have to go into this alone. You mentioned the Pop Checks book, which is one certainly great resource to recommend. I'd also recommend Dr Julia Sadusky's work. She has a book on talking to your kids about sex that also kind of speaks it from a Christian, Catholic perspective, which is also great.
Speaker 2:If you're itty bitty kids and you want to be able to talk to them about pornography, the good pictures bad pictures book is a great resource to be able to have that conversation with your children. And then, as far as using chastity talks, I mean there's abundance. I mean of course we have the Jason Everett's and the Matt Frad's of the world and the Christopher West's and Brian Butler and folks like that who have dedicated their lives to speaking on this topic. That us, as parents, we don't have to make it all up. We just have to avail ourselves to the information that's there and be able to read those resources, get the information that we can and then know how to be able to cur information that's there and be able to read those resources, get the information that we can and then know how to be able to curtail that in a way that meets the needs of your specific children.
Speaker 1:Yes, Always being students right, Always trying to learn along with our kids. I think I read one time too. We only have to be a chapter ahead of our kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, that's right. It's like students. You only have to be a chapter ahead. Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1:That's right. So find the resources and talk to your friends about what kind of conversations they're having with their children as well. I think that's a wonderful way to kind of bring this topic to light in your social circles, and so, again, other people don't feel like, oh gosh, this is just something we should talk about behind closed doors. And no, let's see what other people are saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right. When we were in New Orleans, the Archdiocese used to offer a father-son, mother-daughter program that was geared to 10 and 11-year-olds, or 10 to 13, something like that, and that was a great program because they had the director of family life would come in and he'd give a talk about just an intro theology of the body presentation. Here's the beauty of God's plan. Here's men, here's women. This is why God creates us differently but creates us to be the same. Where are the differences and what's the importance in all of that?
Speaker 2:And then they would have a doctor give a presentation on all the changes that happen, you know, with slides and really explaining here's the female anatomy, here's the male anatomy, here's the changes that happen. And and then leaving it to the parents to be able to talk about what sex itself is. So everything. He described everything right up to to that line and then leaving it to the parents to be able to talk about what sex itself is. So everything. He described everything right up to that line and let it for parents to be able to then have that conversation. But like, oh, you saw the things that we just talked about.
Speaker 2:Well, funny how all those things actually fit together, you know, or having that discussion with our kids. So that was a great resource that I am forever grateful for, because we were able to have these conversations about chastity, about the church's teachings, all of that. But the medical side, or the biological side of it, that's where I felt like we were lacking in some resources and I was really grateful that the Archdiocese provided that and that I can go with my son and we'd watch this and then we'd go out afterwards and we would have like an hour, two hour long conversation afterwards.
Speaker 1:So good, and I think when you understand the biology behind all of this, it becomes to me the pressure just like just shakes off because it's like this is science, this is nature, this is going to happen to every one of us in our bodies. These changes and so it makes the conversation easier to say like, oh, we are all going through this. Isn't it awesome to understand why our bodies go through this change? And then it, like you said, he didn't need to explain the sexual act.
Speaker 2:It was like right up to the point of the marital embrace, that special hug that creates a baby, a human. You know, it's so awesome. Yeah, remember that special hug we were talking about six years ago. That that's it. You know, like.
Speaker 1:That's right, that's right. It comes full circle and they're like oh.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think that's part of life that things are unfolding, mysteries are being revealed bit by bit. It's okay. We don't have to give them all the information at one time. Let's let things gradually unfold. That is okay. That's how life works. That's how divine pedagogy is. We don't know it all in one instance, and that's fine. Let things unfold and be ready for them. Now it does require some intentionality. This conversation isn't just going to come up. You have to introduce it. Part of setting a foundation for your kids is saying we're going to talk about this. Even though it's awkward, even though you may feel uncomfortable, it's important enough for us to have this conversation. And what you're telling them is that you're a safe place for them to be able to bring up discussions after the fact. So when they do see something, when they may cross a line with a boyfriend, girlfriend, when they may whatever the case might be you want them to know that you're a place where we can continue this conversation.
Speaker 1:So so important to set that foundation of safety and trust between you and your child. So, like you said, when they fall, when they make the mistake, when they cross the line, Because they're going to.
Speaker 2:They're going to you did too, you did too. Exactly, that's exactly it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's right At some point they'll come back and have a safe place to land the plane and have the conversation right. Yes, yes. Yes, it's so good. All on all on the table.
Speaker 1:The other thing I'm thinking of is just the importance of like carving out some one-on-one time with your kiddos. You know, in those years the 11 through 13, 15, 18, you know just that you get outside of the house, you go on a hike, a walk, a trip to get ice cream or something and to just sort of ask some of those questions, open-ended questions, in the midst of doing something that your child likes, to find out where they are with all of this and to kind of offer a place to ask any questions that may be circulating in their mind.
Speaker 2:Since the last time you had an intentional conversation about this, yeah, I try with my kids to do a dad's night out, I mean.
Speaker 2:So we have four kids and it's busy with them. They're very active in their activities. I'm very active with my ventures as well, and sometimes we can feel like we're just ships passing in the night. And so trying to maybe twice a year, I would say, if possible it's been a little bit since I've done this because of the move and different things but but trying to at least have one day where it's like all right, what do you want to do? Let's go out, let's go have some fun, let's go get a meal, and so we know that it's a time that we're going to have a good time together. Whether we go to a ball game or watch a movie or go to an escape room or whatever it is that they want to do, we go do the activity and then afterwards we go get a bite to eat, and when we're sitting and eating is when we start having some of these um meteor conversations. Check in you know, how are you doing?
Speaker 2:How are things when? Where are we checking in on that stuff and then trying to introduce some of this um as well? So it's, it can done, folks, it can be done.
Speaker 1:It can. And again, you don't have to have all the answers, it doesn't have to be a perfect plan, you don't have to put this in your calendar on a special day, when they turn 13,.
Speaker 1:You have to do this one thing right If you've passed these milestones it's never too late to go back and say hey, I know we never talked about this and I'm unsure of where you are with your own sexuality, your own relationships, but I just want to let you know that I'm available and open to start a conversation, wherever it is you feel comfortable talking to me, about this real life relationship stuff and sex stuff.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I bet your kids would be. Oh, immediately their guard will come down a bit and go oh, you're available. It'd be better to do that than just to say, well, I've missed the boat and it's too late, and never even mention it to them, right?
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely Absolutely. Now we do have coming in eyes on the computer and the phones and devices. So when things pop up, you know, we, we take a look at it and that's a point of that, becomes a point of conversation also, again not out of shame, but just an intervention where you can be like, hey, you know, I saw a couple of things kind of get flagged. Would you tell me what, what, what happened there, what was going on there? Again, trying to get them to reflect and to think, as we said earlier, about the differences between that lust and that love and helping them to be able to reflect interiorly about what was happening, those conversations we can have with them also just to help shape them a little bit.
Speaker 1:And you mentioned that software that you can put on your computers and your phones called Covenant Eyes Covenant Eyes.
Speaker 2:Covenant Eyes. Yep, that's right. And so that is a web filter as well as a web tracker, and you get an accountability report daily if you want that weekly, depending on what frequency you want those emails to come into you. And what it does, is it day track what websites they've been looking at, and some websites are fine, some are not. They have kind of like a green it. They track what websites they've been looking at, and some websites are fine, some are not. They have kind of like a green, yellow, red, uh type of indication and some things will get they'll block. We'll get blocked automatically and anything gets blocked automatically. You know we'll, we'll pop up Um, so it. It helps. You can set kind of the stringency of it Um and uh, and how hard you want it to be filtering or how light you want it to be filtering.
Speaker 2:And I know sometimes parents might feel uncomfortable about that, but I will say it's an important tool to help parents understand what their child's internet behaviors are and it helps to bring up some really great conversations, even if they're just on Amazon searching for Lego toys, whatever you can be like. Oh, I saw you were looking up this Lego toy. Is that one that you're thinking about for your birthday that's coming up or whatever. You know. You kind of can see some of that, but it also does. It helps them to break away from this notion that everything they do online is just anonymous, that there's no accountability online. There is accountability online, and it just helps to bring again some of those conversations up to the fore.
Speaker 1:Well, and I want to underscore what you said is, the purpose of using these is not to just bust your kids and dish out a quick consequence. Give me your phone, you're done with that? Yeah, exactly Because that communicates shame and that whatever you did or were thinking about is awful and terrible and so bad that you got your computer in your pocket removed. You know. But instead you're saying it could serve as a. Hey, I noticed you were looking this up, Can we?
Speaker 2:talk about that.
Speaker 1:A platform to bring up the conversation in a calm way not freak out.
Speaker 2:And if you've already been having the conversation, so bring this full circle. If you've been having these conversations. When things like that pop up, it's not going to be weird, it's going to be understood, as this is part of the dynamics of our relationship. So it is okay for us to be able to talk about these things.
Speaker 1:Totally. Oh yes, Just starting these conversations early. And again, if you're listening and you feel, you know, you feel like you've missed the boat. You've never missed the boat.
Speaker 2:Circle back to the boat as soon as possible. Also in parenting, to just go. Oh, I got this so wrong Like I didn't realize.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should have been the one to talk to you about this long ago, but now. I'm realizing it. Can we join this conversation up now?
Speaker 2:and just touch base, and that's the gift of having multiple children. Is that, like you get it right by number four? Probably right.
Speaker 1:You just apologize to the first several?
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly. Oh phew, at least I had number four, probably right, you just apologized to the first several. Yeah, exactly, I'm sorry, another chance. We're always apologizing to our first born and our second.
Speaker 1:Yeah, who is almost six years behind our first like yours yeah is like well, that's not how you did it with parker, and I'm like boy we made a lot of mistakes with your brother.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:That's not how he did it, and we have the prudence to know and to change because of our own mistakes.
Speaker 2:Yep, yep. Or sometimes we get the opposite, with, like, the oldest being like hey, that's not fair, he didn't get, I didn't get to watch that. I was like, yeah, it's not, but it's what it is. I'm sorry. That's right. We can make different choices.
Speaker 1:That's the beauty of life and parenting.
Speaker 1:You learn as you go and you adjust as new information comes in, and I think that's the spirit of all of this is, if you're hearing this for the first time or you're hearing something new in today's episode, you know, um, give yourself permission to make a change, to do something different, to start the conversation with your spouse. That might be where you start first is just sharing this episode with your spouse and saying, hey, can we sit down and and have a chat about this and and some of the insights that were gained from this, this topic.
Speaker 2:That's right, that's right. And to listen to a podcast together, this is a great one. I have many episodes on my show that that tackle this topic as well. But then also there's like with pornography specifically, something like fight the new drug. They have a three-part documentary series called brain heart world that goes into the intricacies of how pornography affects the brain, how it affects relationships and its impact that it's having on you know, on our, on our, society. You can watch those are like 30 minutes with your teens and then have a conversation with them afterwards about what you agreed with and what you didn't agree with, what worked, what didn't work, and so this humility stance that you spoke about, you can enter into this education together with your teens and to not feel like you're just behind or you have to read all this and then you have to spit it all back out to them. You can do this stuff together as you're learning, and that becomes a shared venture. That, I think, would make it a little bit easier as well.
Speaker 1:So cool. And what if your kid said hey dad, have you ever thought of such and such? Or hey mom, this made me think of this. And then you learn something new from them. That's a beautiful thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely yes To journey alongside with them.
Speaker 1:Like you said, it could be something that you pursue together, that you're learning about this side by side.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely yes, yes, we can do it. Parents Again, we can do it, we can do it. That's right.
Speaker 1:We've got what it takes and if we don't, we can learn alongside them as they are five and 10 and 13 and 15 and 20.
Speaker 1:It's a beautiful thing and I think, honestly, the generation of parents before us, our parents, really didn't feel the freedom and the permission to learn along with us. They thought, well, we're the parents, you're the kids, we got to figure things out and impart knowledge on you. And then that which is uncomfortable we kind of hope that the school will tackle that, or the churches and then we got to just march forward and our generation, I feel like, is different in the generation after us, where it's this co-learning, it's this journeying alongside, not as friend, as in I don't have any rules and I don't have any consequences and I'm not elevated to any place of authority, but as friend, as like someone who is saying I'm never going to have it all figured out, you can teach me something and I can teach you something and we can journey along this together, because this is what God wants for us is to learn the truth and the beautiful and know how to be healthy in relationships and do his will.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and in defense of our parents, they just didn't have access to the information that we have today. I mean you just happened to watch that one episode of 60 Minutes that maybe talked about the one researcher who was talking, that wrote a book on this, that got that interview. But that could have been in April and you're tuning in in May and it's gone. There's no.
Speaker 2:YouTube there's no internet that you can rewatch, that. You can't go on some list where you go to podcasts and say what are the titles that seem of interest and are pertinent to me right now. That stuff didn't exist in the 80s and 90s. It wasn't there, and so maybe your friends talked about a book that might've been available or something I don't know, but how you even got information was just so restricted compared to what it is today.
Speaker 1:I needed to hear that for myself, just because I think I take for granted the internet at our fingertips and just how you could Google and in two seconds come up with 100 top parenting books about sex and faith like get that distilled in the filtering Right. But back then, before the internet, you'd be relying on your parents. You'd be, relying on their friends to tell them if they ran into a book and then it was how do you get it?
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly how do you get the book you gotta?
Speaker 1:hope your library has it Well. I grew up in a rural, tiny town of 1,200.
Speaker 2:Like they had books from 30 years you know yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right, that's right. What do you do? Go to Barnes and Noble and actually buy it.
Speaker 1:I know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's good to remember that the information age is a real thing. And now we have stuff at our fingertips, all the stuff at our fingertips Yep For good or for ill?
Speaker 2:right For good or for ill.
Speaker 1:That's right. That's right and so, yes, also just doing your own kind of healing and looking back and maybe grieving some of that right. I think that's important to sort of just acknowledge. Like they didn't have the information, that's why I didn't know things that I know now in my 40s, when I was 16 or whatever, and that just to remind yourselves that, just like your parents, you're doing the best that you have with the resources available to you in this moment.
Speaker 2:Amen, amen, yeah, amen to you in this moment. Amen, amen, yeah, amen, jordan, so good, yeah Amen.
Speaker 1:Mario, what an incredible conversation. Parents, if you've been waiting for the perfect moment to talk to your kids about sex, consider this your green light. Okay, you don't need a script or a degree in counseling. You just need a willing heart, open ears and trust that God will guide you. And please remember, these conversations aren't just about facts. They're about helping your kids understand the beauty of how God designed them and the value of their bodies and the deep purpose of relationships rooted in love and truth. So don't go it alone. Seek out resources that align with your faith and keep coming back to the truth of God's love for your kids and for you. And a huge thank you to Dr Mario Sacasa for sharing his wisdom and making this feel doable. Let's keep the conversation going and let's do it with intention, love and grace. So, mario, thank you so much for coming back on our show. Tell our listeners how to find you. Please restate the name of your podcast and your website.
Speaker 2:Thanks, jordan, again, such a gift to be with podcast and your website. Thanks, jordan, again, such a gift to be with you and your listeners. The podcast is called Always Hope and you can find that on YouTube, spotify, apple, and you can just look up Always Hope and it should pop up. Or my website is drmariacicasacom, and there you'll find all the resources that I have available, whether it's the podcast, the YouTube channel, the dating series, anxiety series all the things that I have going on. Please check out drmarisacasacom.
Speaker 1:Awesome. You can find the link to these resources in our show notes. Even the books that we talked about, the works of Julia Sadesky, good pictures, bad pictures, books for young kids All of that is linked here in our show notes. So just scroll down below this episode and you can find links to all those resources. Until next time, parents, keep leading your family with courage and confidence. We'll catch you on another episode of our show real soon, Take care.
