The Families of Character Show
We serve parents who want more for their family. Our show offers research-based parenting solutions to the most common family problems, real-life parenting stories, and authentic support. The host, Jordan Langdon, is a wife, mother, and Licensed Clinical Social Worker who validates what parents go through and offers practical actionable steps parents can implement today to transform their families in joy and unity. Guests are experts in their field of work and provide high-value material for parents and families.
The Families of Character Show
Ep. #155: Why Prioritizing Your Spouse Makes You a Better Parent
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Marriage often gets pushed to the back burner when children arrive – but what if prioritizing your relationship is actually the best gift you can give your kids?
In this episode we explore:
- why prioritizing your marriage is crucial for the whole family to thrive.
- Greet each other enthusiastically when reuniting—showing affection in front of children builds their sense of security
- Establish consistent routines for children to create sacred evening time for your marriage
- Remember marriage has seasons—winter periods don't mean your relationship is doomed
- Take the first step toward reconnection with a text, hug, or moment of genuine listening
If this episode gave you hope or ideas, send it to a friend or listen to it with your spouse to start the conversation.
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Hey there, friends. Welcome back to the Families of Character show, the podcast that helps you raise kids of good character while keeping your own character in check too. Listen, I'm your host, jordan Langdon, and today we're diving into a topic that is absolutely essential, but it's often pushed to the back burner. We're talking about marriage, specifically, how to intentionally prioritize your marriage while you're in the thick of raising kids, even if you've got a house full of chaos, dinner diapers, dishes, a to-do list longer than your arm, diapers dishes, a to-do list longer than your arm, and a marriage that feels well, like it's running on empty. If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Okay, maybe things do feel distant for you right now, maybe you're just surviving, maybe you're doing okay, but you know you're capable of more more connection, more being present, more fun or more love. I got to tell you. We recently did a survey and asked parents who have grown children now what is one skill or mindset shift that could change everything for a couple raising kids today, and the most popular answer was this viewing your marriage as the highest priority, seeing yourselves as teammates for life. Here's the truth bomb I want to drop right now. Okay, you can prioritize your marriage, even in this season of family life. And not only can you, it's actually one of the very best things you can do for your kids, very best things you can do for your kids. So grab your coffee, take a breath and let's talk about how to make that happen, with simple, realistic ways to shift your marriage to the top of the priority list, starting today.
Speaker 1:Okay, let's just talk about why marriage should come first. Okay, yes, before kids. Let's just get something out of the way right now. Saying your marriage should come before your kids, it doesn't mean your kids aren't important Of course they are but your marriage is the foundation of your family. Your marriage is the very foundation of your family. Think about this when kids see their parents united, respectful, affectionate and connected, they feel safe. They learn how to love by watching you love your spouse, and as a therapist for 20 years, I can say with certainty that if you treat your relationship with your spouse as the one that's most important in your life, even more than the one with your children, the whole family will benefit. So no, this isn't about ignoring the needs of your children. It's about recognizing that the strength of your partnership with your spouse deeply affects the tone of the whole home. So let's dive into small, doable habits that can make a big difference in how connected you and your spouse feel. It's important that we learn about practical ways that we can actually connect with our spouse in our real day-to-day lives.
Speaker 1:So first I want to talk about just greeting each other like you mean it right. When you have been separated from your spouse for any period of time and your spouse walks in the door, how do you respond to them? Do you give them like a quick nod from across the room or do you give them a warm hug and a kiss like you're actually happy to see them? Make it a habit to greet each other with the kind of enthusiasm that you might show your child, your three-year-old, when you pick them up from preschool. Or the dog Sometimes we give our dogs more attention than our spouse our beloved lifelong partners. So it's okay if you run to your spouse and give them a hug or give them a kiss. Let your kids giggle about this, right. Let them see affection. It gives them a deep sense of security to see you in love.
Speaker 1:And I want to talk about bedtimes. Okay, one couple that we coached we helped get a bedtime routine going for them. They're married and have five kids, and it was important for them to be sure that their kids were in bed by a certain time every night, and one of the benefits of doing that for all of us is that you know, early bedtimes aren't just for kids, right? You get your kids all in bed by eight o'clock every night. They don't have to be asleep, but know that they need to be in their room. Mom and dad get their time every night, then, and that is sacred. That is blessed time for the two of you to have just that time to connect in the evening and quiet things down, even if it's just 30 minutes, to chat or laugh or sit in silence without being interrupted and put those phones away in another room. That matters. Bedtime, a consistent bedtime for your kids so you can connect in that evening hour, makes such a difference.
Speaker 1:And then, what if we thought about chores or the day-to-day things we have to do around the house? What if we thought about doing those as a team to elevate our marriage to a higher priority, right? What if we tackled cooking and cleaning up the kitchen together as a team and did it with joy, and our children witnessed that like, hey, if mom cooks, dad's cleaning up and the kids are pitching in to help with that too. But for our kids to witness us doing chores together as a united team, that's another way that really affirms that your relationship is top priority, that you are good teammates so you can clean the kitchen side by side, you can fold laundry together on the weekends while you're listening to some good music, right Again. All of this fosters the spirit of teamwork and that builds emotional intimacy too, and intimacy is so important. Without emotional intimacy, how can we possibly improve our physical intimacy? So don't forget that working together as a united team is one of those ways to build up emotional intimacy in your marriage and then reclaim the lost art of waiting right.
Speaker 1:So one of the rules my husband, josh and I put in place years ago, when our firstborn was just a toddler, was we decided that we weren't going to immediately drop everything when our toddler interrupted us. Why? Because we're modeling something very important, which is respect for each other, and so if every time your child tugs on your pant leg or, you know, punches you in the thigh and says, mom, mom, I need you, you give in to them. All of a sudden they see that they are the number one priority. Right, if you ask them to wait, if you develop a little sign that you use between you and your toddler when you're talking to your spouse, you know you say hey, if mommy gives you two taps back, that means you need to go find something else to do and that I'll come talk to you later. But if I hold your hand, that means just wait quietly until your dad and I are done talking and then I will address your concern. Just a simple rule like that with your kids again helps to elevate your marriage to a higher priority. And then when kids learn that mom and dad are talking and waiting their turn, they too are learning patience. Right, they're learning patience, which is a virtue.
Speaker 1:Okay, now I want to talk about intentional connection that fits your lifestyle right? Sometimes we start thinking that in order to connect with my spouse, I need to have a fancy dinner or like a weekend away to feel close again. And, yes, those work. But I want you to consider trying like little mini connections throughout your day, right? What if, after dinner, you just took a short walk together or you sat on the back patio and just close the door to your house and let your kids know we're going to be out here for 15 minutes every evening after dinner just to have mom and dad time. I know one couple who has eight children and they have a habit of having ice cream together every evening and their kids know this is just something that the two of them do on their back porch so that they can reconnect, so they pair it with something they enjoy and they just reconnect at the end of every day, and what a beautiful thing to remember your parents by is that you know they shared in something sweet that they they like to eat and paired that with a download from their day and kind of a connection point before they went off to bed.
Speaker 1:Another thing that you can do, you know, with technology, is use it for good. My husband, josh, and I use a, an app called Marco Polo. It's just a simple video chat app where you record, you know, a message to your, your friend or your husband or your wife and, uh, you send that message and then the app notifies your spouse that a message is there and they can view it when they have time and maybe get back to you. So we try to put limits on that and say, hey, let's do a 30 minute I'm sorry, no chance. 30 minute, 30 second recording each day, just to kind of give a mid day check-in, right? Like, hey, here's how my day's going. Here's one thing that I'm really grateful for that pertains to you in my day to day and it's a great little way to see your spouse, hear their voice and just maintain that connection during a busy day. So these little pauses to connect with our spouse, they, they create space so that we're able to talk like friends again, because so many times we get busy raising kids and focusing on other things and we end up treating each other really like roommates. So taking this intentional time each day to reconnect with our spouse makes it more like friends again.
Speaker 1:And then this is going to be something that makes a few of you blush. I'm going to tell you to schedule in intimacy on your calendar. That's right. Schedule it in, let's be real. Schedule it in, let's be real. I mean, spontaneity sounds romantic, but sometimes it just doesn't happen in this season of family life. So why not put it on the calendar right?
Speaker 1:I've been a marriage therapist for 20 years and I've recommended time after time that couples who feel disconnected. Pick a day of the week, they say, hey, wednesday is our night. If you pick a night and dedicate that evening or that daytime to physical intimacy, to a session of physical intimacy, you're prepared for it. It's like looking forward to a good show, right, or a vacation that you got planned forward to a good show, right, or a vacation that you got planned. It creates anticipation and a readiness to receive your spouse in the most beautiful way we can, and so I would encourage you to. You know, nudge your spouse If you're listening to this together. Say what's our day, which day of the week do we want to pick to claim as our time for physical intimacy, and let me know how it goes over time. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Speaker 1:Another idea is just to keep it simple and be a really cheap date. Okay, not complicate things, but maybe you just grab lunch while your kids are at school. You meet at a sandwich shop for lunch in the middle of a workday and just grab lunch together on your lunch break. Maybe you just rent a movie and eat frozen pizza after your kids have gone to bed. Again, having something to look forward to with your spouse where it's just the two of you makes such a difference. Having something to look forward to with your spouse where it's just the two of you makes such a difference. And remember, it's not where you are, it's that you are together. Right? Connections don't have to be expensive.
Speaker 1:And then I want to talk about something else, right? A mindset shift that really strengthens your marriage, and one mindset shift that I would encourage and I'm talking to the ladies here, because this tends to be a lady issue, although it can be the other way around but I want you to remember that dad's way works too Okay, and your way isn't the only way Okay, and I'm preaching to myself here, so please hear me say that that I get this wrong a lot of times too. But if, if the kids want mismatched socks, so what right? Let dad do things his way. Right. If he says, fine, they're, they're in mismatched socks, that is not a battle. I'm in a fight. That's not the hill I want to die on today. Let it go right. Letting dad do things his way communicates trust and respect to your kids, and that strengthens your relationship in big, big ways.
Speaker 1:It's so important for us to avoid cutting down our spouse or talking badly behind our spouse's back Like dad doesn't know we have to be sure that our socks match every day, like he thinks this isn't a big deal, but it's a real big deal. Do you see how that could quickly just kind of cut your spouse out at the knees to your children? Then, all of a sudden, we have an issue of what I call, in therapeutic terms, triangulation, right, where now it's us against dad or us against mom, and that breaks down that union between the two of you and that sense of teamwork. And then your kids all of a sudden see themselves rising up as the most important in this order of priorities of relationships. Here's another fun tip. I want you to consider this. This is a mindset shift as well.
Speaker 1:Fight like somebody's listening, right? You know why? Because they are your kids. If they're on their iPad or they're reading a book, or they're busy in their homework, they always have an ear for what's going on between the two of you. They're constantly kind of scanning the environment to understand whether your relationship is a secure one or if they have reason to be anxious and to be worried.
Speaker 1:And so I want you to just think. You know, even if we were in an argument at home and our kids weren't there. What if we argued as if they were in the room? Let's think about how we could go about having healthy conflict and not, you know, throwing emotional grenades at each other when you disagree. If you speak like somebody's watching, that really helps for you to move toward resolution quicker and to be better listeners and then to disagree with kindness and to repair whatever argument you're having quickly and well. We're going to have ruptures in our relationship. It doesn't mean our marriage is doomed. It's actually a very healthy.
Speaker 1:Part of secure marriages is to argue over things, to have passions for things that aren't necessarily our spouse's passion. But the most important thing is to argue well, to argue like someone's in the room. Maybe your pastor, your priest, is watching right, or your kids are right there alongside you as you are managing this conflict. So consider that how, how would we go about this if they were present right now?
Speaker 1:And then another mindset shift really is to understand that marriage has seasons. You know we think about the seasons of the year the weather right Fall, winter. The year the weather right Fall, winter, summer, spring. Well, sometimes our marriages go through wintry seasons where it's blustery, it's cold. There's sort of this lack of connection. We want to kind of stay to ourselves or hibernate a little bit. We're isolated from one another and I want you to understand that that's a season in a married life. It's not a reason to run away from your spouse and to again believe that your marriage is doomed. It's just simply a season.
Speaker 1:So recognize when you get in those hard seasons, give yourself some grace, because the reality is, the goal of marriage isn't perfection. It's not about being perfect in marriage. No one wants a perfect marriage. It's just a false thing, right. But what we want is intention. We want to be intentional with our spouse. We want to be intentional with prioritizing the relationship and connecting with one another. So feeling distant is a signal, right. It's simply a signpost that says it's time to lean in, it's time to reconnect.
Speaker 1:And I want to give you some hope. If you are listening and you go wow, jordan, you are hitting the nail on the head for me. We are in a wintry, blustery season over here. I want to give you the courage and confidence that you already have inside of yourself to be the one that extends the olive branch to your spouse today to say you know what We've been in? A rough season. We've been in a cold, cold season and I'm ready to warm things up. I wanna connect with you. I want us to get back to a place where we feel like friends and I'm willing to do the work to make that happen. But could I just get a hug from you today? That would help me in my feelings of connectivity towards you. Can I just please just hug you for a few seconds? It always takes one person to initiate that reconnection in these difficult seasons. But be the one, take the high road and do that today. You'll be so glad that you did. And let me tell you, if you get rejected, go back the next day. Go back with courage and confidence. That this is the right thing to do is not to stay away but to reconnect.
Speaker 1:And this next part I want to just talk about is just the fact that your kids really and truly need the two of you to stay strong right. Here's the big takeaway from this episode is that prioritizing your marriage isn't selfish. It's actually one of the most loving things you can do for your children is to invest in your marriage and to stay together right. Kids worry all the time about whether their mom and dad will stay together and they pick up on our stress, but when they see a couple who laughs, who flirts, who make time for each other, they breathe easier, they feel secure. So if your marriage has been on autopilot or running on fumes, this is your invitation.
Speaker 1:You don't need a complete overhaul. Don't go run into a counselor's office today. You just need to start right. Start with a simple little 10 second hug or a kiss if it's been a while. Right, maybe even a text that says I'm thinking about you, I'm on your team, I am with you. Do that today. Send that text to your spouse today. I am with you, I am for you, I am on your team.
Speaker 1:Make a choice to listen to your spouse today instead of you know doom scrolling on your phone. Right, just put your phone aside and just make intentional time to really listen to your spouse. I want to leave you with this right. Marriage is worth the effort. Not someday, but right now, in the thick of toddler tantrums and teen drama and soccer practices and those crazy school projects that take up our time, because your kids are watching and they are hoping that you'll stay close.
Speaker 1:And the good news you absolutely can Listen. Thanks for hanging out with me today on the Families of Character show. If this episode gave you hope or ideas, send it to a friend or, better yet, sit down and listen to it with your spouse. Start the conversation. You know, as I write in all my emails, I am always in your corner. I am cheering you on every step of the way as someone who has been in your shoes, who continues to walk with you in this journey of marriage and parenting. Guys, until next time, be intentional, be present, always lead with love. I'll catch you on another episode of our show real soon. Take care.
