Ep. #160: Saying NO When Other Parents are Saying Yes {Rebroadcast}

Ever feel like the villain in your child's story for saying "no" when all the other parents are saying "yes"? You're not alone, and you're certainly not wrong.

In this episode rebroadcast, we explore how to confidently say no to your children when other parents are saying yes, and why these important boundaries shape their character and future success.

• Saying no is harder but prevents severe long-term consequences for our children
• Importance of validating children's feelings before explaining your reasoning behind a no
• The benefit of offering alternative positive activities during the "withdrawal period"
• Key benefits include modeling how to stand up to peer pressure and strengthening self-control
• Taking a stand empowers other parents to do the same, creating a ripple effect

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Chapters

• 0:00 Kids Are Relentless When They Want Something
• 2:30 Video Game Addiction: A Personal Story
• 5:54 From Gaming to Car Goals
• 10:23 How to Handle Your Kids' Reactions
• 13:53 Benefits of Saying No
• 15:33 Standing Against Cultural Pressures
• 19:09 Taking Action and Building Character
• 22:45 Join the Movement

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:29

I don't know about your kids, but mine are relentless when they want something. I think all kids are bullies when it comes to this harassing us about what they want to do or what they want to have. They ought to be in sales at this phase of their lives. They'd be so successful. They are so good at going for what they want, don't you agree? Welcome back parents.

Speaker 1: 0:53

This episode is all about saying no when other parents are saying yes and how to navigate that in a practical way with your kids. Let's be real Most times it's a lot easier to just give in and say yes. We are exhausted as parents, but the consequences of giving in and going along with the status quo, which oftentimes goes against our moral character, like what is good and right, those consequences are severe in the long run. And as a mom and a licensed counselor for 20 years, I've got to tell you, if we can't say no to our kids in the moment, it's going to affect them and have a profound effect on our culture years down the road. And this is enough of a common issue in our parent community, through our Thrive group on Facebook and just in my own friend group, to really have a real chat about. So let me just start by sharing a personal story.

Speaker 1: 2:03

Our oldest son loved video games when he was around 11 or 12 years old and we didn't know enough about the effects of them to really believe that there was anything wrong with gaming. So one day he and his friend start shaking down their siblings piggy banks to get money to buy these accessories for the players on their favorite game, literally going room to room, house to house, taking change from their brother and sister's piggy banks. It was insane. They were literally acting like drug addicts who break into cars for money to get some dope. Because of all this, we grounded him for the game for two weeks. We said no to this behavior that had clearly gone over the top and I'll tell you, the first three days were brutal on all of us. It was similar to like an alcoholic or a drug addict coming off their favorite fix. I mean, by definition he was going through withdrawal. You know how they get just anxious, angsty behavior, kind of not knowing what to do with his time, pacing around all slumped over in a bad mood. He was like hating us for, of course, being quote the worst parent ever. But I'm going to tell you.

Speaker 1: 3:28

Another thing happened after those first three days of withdrawal. Like any kid, he found a new obsession Designer sneakers. He found that he could buy and sell sneakers online and make money. So at the end of the two weeks of being grounded, he decided to sell his gaming console in order to buy this first pair of shoes, because he was going to make some bank off of these. Well, guess what? As you can imagine, this new endeavor turned out to be a bit of a scam, and my husband and I figured it would be. But we allowed him to make this decision so he could experience the failure himself and then learn from it. So, although he had the money, he was never able to successfully use the app to buy that pair of sneakers for resale. But let me tell you again, he's relentless. So he kept trying for weeks and in that time he was distracted from the video game and had practically forgotten about it, because the console and all the games were gone from our house and the new obsession hadn't bared any fruit yet. But it had held his attention and he had successfully passed through the gaming withdrawal period. So he decided on his own, after lots of failure in this new endeavor, to ditch this idea of buying and selling shoes.

Speaker 1: 5:02

So with this chunk of money in the bank, my husband and I started talking to him about something new the freedom of driving and having your own car. At first he was not interested at all and of course he pulled another one of those sales talks about why we should let him just buy back the gaming console. At first he wasn't interested and pulled another one of those awesome sales talks about why we should let him buy back the gaming console. But we stood firm and said no, back the gaming console. But we stood firm and said no. We explained to him how much more engaged and happy he had been since he stopped playing the games and I'll never forget it. His younger brother and sister came to him like tearful and they told him that when he was gaming they thought he seemed depressed and how he never wanted to really have anything to do with them. And they told him that now they were really starting to kind of have fun hanging out with him and playing board games and shooting basketball and wrestling. Again. He obviously wasn't happy about not being allowed to buy back the gaming system but just like after the first no, he had another one of those three to five day withdrawal periods or that period of being upset and disappointed after realizing the video games were gone for good.

Speaker 1: 6:23

But then something changed. We continued to bring up this idea of driving. We introduced him to the next transition he would have in his life. We told him stories about how we saved our money from birthdays and little side jobs and we purchased our first cars when we were 15. We showed him these pictures of us in these little cars Mine was a Dodge Colt, my husband had an old Jeep Wagoneer and we laughed about all those memories of those young years. We told him about all the fun we had to drive to see our cousins and what it was like to have that privilege of going places when others weren't driving yet. And this really got him interested. And then he came back around. He started saving his money and we took him to one of those banks for young kids where they allow you to make deposits and withdrawals and start managing money like a grown-up. You literally walk up to the counter as a young kid and the teller has the countertop lowered to their height. It's the cutest thing. So they really feel like this is a big deal, that what they're embarking on is something with great responsibility, and so he enjoyed that. He loved that he could set a goal and make progress towards it. Something tangible, since he was allowed to make trips to the bank and see his money growing. His goal was to save as much money as he could to buy a car at age 15.

Speaker 1: 7:58

Those no's, when all his friends were allowed to continue gaming, were hard for us. But we've now been without video games in our house for four years. And y'all, he just purchased his first car three days ago. Oh, funny side note, it too was a Jeep. Side note, it too was a jeep. Not to mention, our younger kids never got started on video games because of all of this. So there's no harassment and bullying by our seven and ten-year-olds and that is a huge relief in our house.

Speaker 1: 8:37

So you see, my son shaking down piggy banks was our cue that his behavior had gone beyond a healthy bit of video game playing. Once we recognized that cue and made a commitment to stop the behavior by grounding him, saying no, we had time without the stimulus the video games to consider what to do next. What to do next, and taking the issue away for him for two weeks allowed him to withdraw from what he was addicted to and find something else to get interested in Now. Were shoes the answer? No. We knew it wasn't going to be fruitful, but we allowed him to try it and fail to buy everyone more time away from the games while we thought about something worthwhile saving and investing money for a car that would serve him in the future.

Speaker 1: 9:32

Now think about the desperation shaking down piggy banks to get your fix. If we had allowed that to happen and just gave in to our exhaustion and let him continue that. What does that look like at age 16 when he's now driving around a car and responsible for his life and the life of others behind a thousand pound vehicle? And what does that look like when he's dating a young woman and she tells him no, when he isn't used to hearing no, and then fast forward again five years? What's it look like at age 21 when he's able to drink alcohol and because he doesn't know how to regulate those passions and desires, he over drinks. He gets himself in a bad situation. That's scary.

Speaker 1: 10:22

So parents don't be afraid to go against the grain and say no, even when other parents are allowing that same behavior in their own homes and saying no really isn't ever our problem. Right, we can usually rip off that response pretty quickly, but our biggest issue is managing their begging and their justification for what they want. So we have to be ready with a reasonable response and listen. The story I just told you, that's just one of our parenting experiences. We do not have this all figured out. In fact, we've had plenty of moments where our knee jerk reaction to our kids disappointment was life's not fair. Get used to it, buddy, or I don't care what the Jones family's doing, our house, our rules.

Speaker 1: 11:11

What we found was that there was a more effective way to navigate the salesman, to navigate their response to our no, and that's to validate their feelings first. So it sounds kind of like this I know this is a new rule for our family and we've been doing things this way for a while already. Like I get that, but now we have new information and know that this isn't good for us and you're right, this is going to be a big change. Change is hard for even your dad and I. Okay, so validating your kids feelings helps them feel heard and understood. It allows them to lean in and kind of listen to the why, behind the no right and if we skip this step, we lose their buy-in and they become super defensive and end up tuning us out. So instead of getting angry with them and defensive ourselves, we've got to respond with confidence. Right, you are the parent and it's important to remember you're the leader here.

Speaker 1: 12:18

By saying no, you're investing in their future and because you, the parent, know them best, you're able to make different rules and live differently in order to best support their needs. It's also important to remind them listen, it's okay if you don't like these rules, but you do have to respect them and follow them. It's okay to tell your kids that, and we can't be afraid to hold out, like hold out for that time period in order for them to get through that withdrawal period. So many times we ground our kids and then we just are like it's fine, go play the game. Commit during that time of being grounded or being without, whatever it is that you're saying no, to offer them something different that interests them, something more fruitful and long-term, and then walk with them side by side, you know. Make this a joint adventure. Walk with them through this new adventure and this new interest and engage them. This is what brings joy and unity back to relationship, and your kids are going to be driven in new ways, like ways you didn't even imagine.

Speaker 1: 13:31

So what are the benefits of saying no when other parents are saying yes? Number one? Number one you're modeling for your kids how to stand up and say no when culture is saying yes. And wouldn't you agree? This is a life skill our kids need in high school, college and beyond, absolutely. Number two you're teaching them to say yes to the right things by saying no to the things that are ultimately harmful long-term Again, a life skill they need when they leave home. Number three you're helping your kids strengthen their self-control muscles by not being able to indulge in instant gratification. Each no you give them helps them build up a reservoir, this huge reservoir of self-control that they can draw from when they're in situations like dating and driving and enjoying new freedoms, like drinking alcohol or taking adventures to new places they've never been before. You're helping them strengthen that self-control muscle and build up that reservoir for later.

Speaker 1: 14:44

So now that we kind of talked about the practical steps of saying no to your kids and managing their begging and harassment, and we realize the benefits of saying no, I want you to consider a few serious ways. Our culture is bullying us and harassing us to say yes these days. So culture is telling us screens are fine, they're here to stay, it's no big deal, all kids are on screens. And culture is saying kids have to have phones. We are in a digital age and they've got to stay up with the times. And they've got to stay up with the times. Parents. Did you know? The average age of kids getting smartphones right now is eight years old, third grade. And guess what? Pornography addiction in kids starts at age 11. That's fifth grade. Do you remember what you were doing in fifth grade? I mean, I was riding bikes, playing at the park, building forts, making up new games on the playgrounds.

Speaker 1: 15:47

Kids these days, saying yes to what culture thinks is okay. Kids are now hiding phones under their bed covers, searching for porn. Listen, it's okay to say no to phones, to tablets, to iPads, to culture. If you feel like you have to give your kids a phone for safety reasons, give them a talk text phone only. Give them your old flip phone you still have laying around. If you have to give them anything, will they get teased by their friends for having that? Yeah, expect that. This is a chance for us to help our kids use those self-control muscles to withstand peer pressure.

Speaker 1: 16:29

Kids do not need access to the internet instantly in their back pockets and, let's admit it, as parents, we are not good at setting limits on what kids can access on phones, gaming consoles and iPads. Parents complain all the time about how they don't know how to put these controls and restrictions in place and how kids just work around them anyway. If you aren't going to monitor and block access to things that will forever change your child, listen, don't give them the device and tempt them to begin with and trust me on this, I've been a counselor for 20 years and if you do let your kids have open access to the internet instantly at their fingertips, you have to accept personal responsibility for allowing them to access those things they cannot unsee Sexual images, perversions, violent attacks this stuff will haunt your kid for the rest of their life. Be willing to say no to this stuff. Culture also says social media is harmless. All kids do it. All kids have it. You have it as a parent, you're on it all the time yourself, so you can't say no to your kids. It's how kids communicate with each other and how they stay in touch.

Speaker 1: 17:55

We all know by now social media is a sad replacement for in-person face-to-face connection. It will never yield the same type of important and close bond kids make when they're physically together with others and besides that, hiding behind a keyboard for a majority of their relationships will kill their ability to truly connect with others. It will kill it. You may understand that as someone who uses social media a lot yourself. Think about how often you get together face-to-face with other parents and friends. Usually, an hour or so of mindless scrolling on social media at night seems to satisfy our curiosity about people in our friend group, so we don't reach out or dive deeper into a conversation about something with them. Prior to social media, we all connected so much more personally.

Speaker 1: 18:51

Oh, speaking of social media, you want to talk about a lack of character being lived Now kids and adults think it's funny when kids slap their teacher, take a video of it and post it to TikTok. I mean, this is happening people. And they even think it's cool to steal from stores because there aren't enough security officers working to come after them. So they do it because they can. What happened to respect for parents and teachers when kids are spending more time on social media watching these idiotic pranks and parodies, their sense of what's right and wrong, their morality, you know that internal compass, their character it just starts eroding. So when kids come to us and ask for something we know they are not ready for or is not good for their well-being, we have to be willing to say no, to be different from other parents. We have to stand strong in that conviction that we are not willing to settle for the status quo. Doing this empowers other parents in your friend group to do the same. It has a ripple effect of good and it certainly helps take some of the pressure off your kids when their friend's parents are saying no too.

Speaker 1: 20:19

You are the leader of your family. You have the ability to say yes and no to things in your household, and you can choose today to sell the video game console or the iPad. You don't have to wait for your kid to do it because they want some other shiny object. You can choose today to stop allowing screens in bedrooms and dock them in an open area on the main floor. You can also choose today to take your kids to a soccer game and leave the screens at home and have them watch in real time their sibling compete in soccer. You can also choose today to talk to your kids about what's coming next in their life that transition they may not be thinking about and talk to them about how to prepare for that. Get the excitement going for driving or getting a job, or looping them in to help plan a family trip.

Speaker 1: 21:16

Listen, as a community of like-minded parents, we have got to continue to support each other in doing what is good and right for our kids, even when we have to go against the culture and disappoint our kids in the moment. Because, let me tell you, what's even more disappointing to our kids is when they're out in the world as adults, struggling from a lack of self-control. So let's risk disappointing them as kids to ensure they have the best chance possible at being kids of great character and at being adults who are respectful, responsible, grateful and able to truly say no when they need to. That's what this movement at Families of Character is all about A movement of like-minded parents who are not willing to settle for the status quo, a community where we challenge each other to be better and do better in family life.

Speaker 1: 22:16

Listen, you can do this. If I can do this, you can do this and help us get the word out. Share our message with others. Join the movement. We'd love it if you'd forward this episode to a handful of your closest friends. Hit those three little dots in the upper right hand corner and share this through email with your friends. Listen, check out our website, familiesofcharactercom. There you can find out more ways that you can get your family on track, growing in character as a team. Parents say no with confidence when other parents are saying yes. Until next time. We're always in your corner.