Ep. #164: How to Prevent After School Meltdowns

The after-school hours between 3-6 PM represent a crucial transition time when children often experience emotional meltdowns after holding it together all day at school.

When kids fall apart after returning home, it's actually a sign they feel safe with you, and by implementing the "three R's" routine—Refuel, Regulate, Reconnect—parents can transform this challenging window into an opportunity for meaningful connection.

In this episode, we discuss:

• How research shows the 3-6 PM window is when behavioral outbursts most commonly occur
• Consistent after-school routines lower cortisol levels in both parents and children
• Meltdowns indicate trust, not misbehavior—home is their emotional exhale
• Refuel, Regulate, Reconnect
• Creating unstructured play time in the evening for better emotional regulation

Remember to stay intentional, stay playful, and keep leading your family with love. God's mercies are new every afternoon, especially at 3:45 when someone's crying about grapes.

Chapters

• 0:00 The After-School Meltdown Reality
• 2:56 Why Kids Fall Apart at Home
• 5:17 Refuel: Feed Their Empty Tanks
• 9:42 Regulate: Help Kids Find Center
• 11:09 Reconnect: The Heart of After-School Peace
• 13:34 Creating Your Own Peaceful Routine
• 17:14 Closing Thoughts and Encouragement

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:29

If I had a dollar for every time my kid came home from school hangry and immediately body slam the couch, I could fund an afterschool smoothie bar complete with mood lighting and free Wi-Fi. Welcome back to the Families of Character show. I'm your host, your fellow parent in the trenches, and today we're tackling the chaos that can hit like a total tidal wave between 3 and 6 pm. You know what I'm talking about the shoes flying, the snack demands, the meltdowns and the wild sibling drama. But listen, it doesn't have to stay this way. The after school window can either be the start of more chaos or the bridge to a peaceful evening, and this isn't just a logistics issue. It's an opportunity to bond, reconnect and create rhythms of peace. That's what this episode is about Learning how to help our kids decompress and set a peaceful tone for the rest of the day. Because truth is they've been managing a lot at school Navigating expectations, learning, social situations and so much more. Let's just be honest this time of day is when our patience is wearing thin too. I know most days I'm getting another hit of coffee around 2.30 pm just to make the second half of the day go a little smoother. Just to make the second half of the day go a little smoother. We've had full days and now it's three o'clock and it's game time. But with some intentional steps, we can win these afternoons. So let's anchor this in some truth. The National Institute of Out-of-School Time reports that 3 to 6 pm. Institute of Out-of-School Time reports that 3 to 6 pm is the most common window for significant behavioral outbursts, and a 2022 study found that kids who decompress after school before doing homework show 25% higher focus and 20% lower stress. And research from the University of Illinois found that consistent, predictable after-school routines lower cortisol levels in both parents and kids. So again, our kids' behavior after school isn't bad. It's their brains begging for rest and regulation. That's what it is. The witching hours are real folks. Let's just normalize this post-school chaos.

Speaker 1: 3:30

When a child comes home and they fall apart, it's not a sign that they're misbehaving. It's really important for us to remember this. It's a sign that they feel safe. I know you're going. Oh great, jordan. Safety for them means a little bit of hell for me, okay. Well, listen your kid.

Speaker 1: 3:51

Whether they're three or five, or eight, or 12 or 16, they've spent six to eight hours holding it together in a highly structured environment of their peers. The pressure is real. Home is their emotional exhale. So what do we do? Well, we don't want to join their chaos. We need to anchor it with our calm presence, with rhythms and with compassion.

Speaker 1: 4:24

And one way to do this is to reframe the meltdowns. Instead of seeing them as a problem, we can see them as an invitation to connect, to teach and to hold space. You know, this has been our experience with our three kids. But most kids are generally pretty happy-go-lucky in the mornings, right, they know that they're going to get to see some of their friends, or they're excited to be the line leader of their class or get some special assignment in their classroom. But then by the time they get home in the afternoon, miserable, lashing out at you for no reason, not getting along with their siblings, and the teachers like they can't seem to pinpoint any real issue that was happening consistently at school that would have contributed to this. And in fact they often tell you right that your kids did perfectly fine in school. You get these glowing reports of your kids at school and the teachers often get really surprised, in my experience, when you tell them how your evenings go, it's like, wow, they were fine all day at school. So here's what we've realized Going to school is just completely exhausting for many kids.

Speaker 1: 5:51

It's physically, emotionally and mentally draining and young children waking up at 6.30 or 7 am and moving right to breakfast and getting ready for the day and jumping in the car for the school, transitioning and then going to their classroom and then expending a lot of energy still sitting quietly and trying to focus in class. They have rules to follow, work to complete and various duties they have to fulfill throughout the day and, depending on the school they go to, many of them lack the sufficient time that they need to play, to run and to just regroup and recenter themselves throughout the day. So by the time your kids get home from school, they are quick to fall apart. No wonder I would be too. Every parent I've ever coached that has had this issue with their kids melting down comes to the same realization. My kid saves their most difficult behavior for me, and there's a reason for that. It's because they trust you to help them through those difficult moments and to love them unconditionally in their meltdown. That's why people will often tell you I don't know what you're talking about. They're perfectly behaved when they're at my house. So the good news in all of this is that there's hope. We can make simple changes to help kids cope with the overwhelming feelings that often creep in once the day is done.

Speaker 1: 7:38

Okay, so here's your new mantra Refuel, regulate, reconnect. Okay, let's break those down. Refuel this one's simple. Feed them. They're running on empty. Have simple, healthy snacks ready to go Cheese, a meat stick, some almonds, fruit, granola bars, cheese sticks, whatever works for your crew. Here's a pro tip, though Make the snack before pickup, even if you have to do it the night before. It's a small investment that pays off big time.

Speaker 1: 8:19

Experts even recommend meal foods for afterschool snacks. They recommend like whole grains, lean proteins, fruits and veggies right, so if you feel like you're feeding them dinner at three o'clock, guess what? It's okay, they're going to get hungry again. You could think like bagels with some nut butter, yogurt, leftover chicken. These types of things can help fill the nutritional gaps and then steady their energy levels. Fill the nutritional gaps and then steady their energy levels. And it shows your kids, when you show up to get them from school with a snack, that you're thinking about them. It's modeling that, listening to our bodies and feeding the body when it hasn't eaten in three or four hours is a healthy way to take care of yourself. So regulate. What does regulate mean? Well, you're going to help their bodies and brains come back to center.

Speaker 1: 9:19

Some kids need to move their body. They desperately need to ride their bike or shoot hoops or jump on the trampoline for 15 or 30 minutes after school. And others need quiet. They need books, laying on the couch, snuggling with their stuffed animals, right, playing with a pet, just quietly on their own. Let your child lead here, okay, notice what works and then build it into your rhythm. Make sure that you're tailoring the after school downtime for your kids' special needs, and then finally reconnect. This is the heart of it. No lectures, no interrogations, no long talks, just you Just be present, sit with them, ask them something like what was the best part of your day or what was something that made you laugh today? Okay, avoid peppering them with connection. Avoid peppering them with questions right away. Instead of jumping into homework or friend drama, let them decompress, gaze out the window. Let them gaze out the window on the drive home together. Be screen free, be present. Let them tune out and let yourself decompress too. Even a few minutes of connection can reset the entire evening.

Speaker 1: 10:56

Here's a little faith moment I just want to drop in here. Let's not forget how Jesus operated. He didn't start with commands. He started with compassion and connection. He fed people before he taught them. He met needs first. So can we.

Speaker 1: 11:15

So what do you do before pickup? Well, what you do before you pick the kids up from school matters. If we, the parents who are showing up to connect with our kids, are frazzled, we pass that energy along to our kids. So I want you to try this. I want you to give yourself 15 minutes of decompression time before you squeal into the parking lot and pick your child up from school. First, I want you to take three deep breaths, really get a good inhale and blow all your air out. Three cleansing breaths to recenter your own self, and then just say a quick prayer God give me your peace for this moment. And then have the snacks ready, okay. And then have the snacks ready.

Speaker 1: 12:10

Okay, cue up some call me music or something that helps you to decompress on your drive and just have a nice classical music environment in your car or, better yet, no music at all, music at all, and certainly no meetings that you're on in your car, or on Zoom, or with your headphones in right. Set the tone for your kids before they walk through that car door. And don't forget to check your own needs too. Do you need a snack? Do you need a moment of silence, a reminder that God is with you in this? And then finally, create a set homework routine right. Prevent those gnarly homework feuds by setting up a clutter-free spot to work and trying to do the homework at the same time each day, after they get 30 minutes to decompress, and then consider having them work on their homework while you get dinner ready, so you can be available here and there to help. And if your child is really struggling, email the teacher and close the books for the day. Okay, homework is just what it says Work at home.

Speaker 1: 13:32

And as families of character, we want to connect with our kids in the evening hours. They've been at school all day. We've been working all day. We need to prioritize downtime. Kids need time to play, hang out. Kids need time to play, hang out, read and create on their own terms. And when we get overscheduled and overburdened with so much homework and our kids are running from one event to another, unstructured time goes out the window and that can have lots of negative consequences for kids. They need time to be bored and have downtime in their day.

Speaker 1: 14:15

After-school routines should include some amount of time for kids to unwind and engage in free play. Play together, okay, play together with your kids. I often recommend playing a board game or a simple card game like Uno or Slapjack with kids right after school. This helps kids ease out of those overwhelming feelings that the end of the day brings and into a calmer state of mind. It helps them transition from their school life to home with greater ease. You know homework can wait until after dinner. Be present Back.

Speaker 1: 14:57

In episode 62, titled Best Practices for a Smooth Transition Back to School, I talked about the nine most important minutes of a child's day when they're going to school, and the essence of that episode was to dial up the intentionality and your presence. You know, as parents, we often worry about the impact of screen time on the developing brain of our kids, but we often forget about the negative impact our own screen time use has on the relationship with our kids. So make a commitment to put your phone down and attend to your kid. They are smart. If they sense a disconnect, they're going to retreat, and I can't stress it enough it's important for us to disconnect from our phones and other screens when our kids come home from school. Besides, we all need a forced break anyway.

Speaker 1: 16:02

Let's face it, kids are under a lot of pressure today. We put them in school when they're what? 18 months old or so, and they spend more hours at school most days than we do at work. Without multiple breaks in their day to get outside and move their bodies and release some steam, they melt down. So give them some grace, decide how you're going to change the after-school routine so you can offer them a place to decompress and wind down, to refuel their body with a good snack, engage in creative play and have some focused, screen-free time with you each afternoon or evening. Homework will become less of a fight and they'll have positive memories of their afternoons at home with you going forward.

Speaker 1: 16:55

Let me just leave you with this Lamentations. Chapter 3, verses 22 and 23, says the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, friends. If they are new every morning, they're new every afternoon too, especially at 345, when somebody's crying and someone else is yelling about the grapes. Okay, this is your sacred space. The after school hours aren't just a transition. They're an opportunity for us to model grace. You're not going to do it perfectly and you don't need to Just keep showing up, keep loving and keep pointing your family toward peace. Let's bring it home with a quick recap the three R's Refuel, feed the body to calm the brain, regulate, create space to reset movement or rest. Let the child lead and reconnect, be present, listen and love. Build this rhythm one day at a time. Parents, thanks for tuning into the Families of Character show. You've got this, god's got you. Join us next time and remember stay intentional, stay playful and keep leading your family with love. I'll catch you on another episode of our show real soon.