Ep. #171: Money & Marriage - Wisdom from Couples Married for Decades

Money isn’t out to get us—but the way we relate to it can either pull us apart or pull us closer. We open a four-part journey on money and marriage with a simple reframing: cash is a tool, not a tyrant. From there, we dig into what actually drives most “money fights”: clashing values, childhood scripts, and unspoken fears that steer daily choices without us realizing it.

This episode goes over:
• money as a neutral tool, not an enemy
• research linking money talks to stronger marriages
• unity and long-term goals over income level
• stewardship, shared ownership, and generosity
• a practical 20-minute spouse conversation challenge

Share this with your spouse and another couple who needs peace around money! 

Chapters

• 0:00 Setting The Money Series Stage
• 1:57 Is Money Really The Problem?
• 3:15 Research On Money And Marital Strength
• 4:46 Values Behind Money Fights
• 6:28 Faith, Stewardship, And Shared Ownership
• 8:39 Regrets From Long-Married Couples
• 12:05 A Weekly Teamwork Challenge
• 14:51 Prayer, Hope, And What’s Next
• 16:32 Share, Subscribe, Stay Connected

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:29

Hey there, families of character. Welcome back to the show, a place where we get real about marriage, parenting, and building up strong families in a world that is constantly trying to tear us down. I'm your host, Jordan Langdon, and today we're going straight to the heart of something that affects every marriage. Money. Yep, that one word can cause so much tension and stress and misunderstanding. This is the first episode in our four-part series, all about money and marriage. And I promise you, by the end of these four episodes, you'll not only see money differently, you'll start to fight less and work more as a united team. And isn't this what we all want? So let's dive in. First of all, I want to ask the question: is money really the problem? Many times you hear people say, money is the root of all evil. Right? That phrase gets tossed around so much that we just accept it as truth, right? But here's the thing: that's actually not what Scripture tells us. In 1 Timothy chapter 6, verse 10, St. Paul writes, for the love of money is the root of all evil. Not money itself, the love of money, the obsession, the fear, the anxiety about money, and the control. But money is just a tool. It's neutral. It's like fire. You can use it to cook your dinner or you can use it to burn your house down. It all depends on how you use it and who you are using it with. So today we're gonna bust the myth that money is the root of all problems and get to the real issue behind why so many couples struggle with it. So let me hit you with some research that might challenge your assumptions. A 2023 study by Ramsey Solutions found that couples who regularly talk about money are significantly more likely to describe their marriage as a strong marriage. And in fact, 87% of couples who say they have a great marriage also say they set long-term financial goals together. Long-term, that means thinking more about the future than just simply the day to day or living month to month. And here's the crazy thing: it's not just about how much money you have or you make as a couple, because couples making$40,000 a year who communicate and plan actually report more satisfaction than couples earning over six figures, who constantly argue or keep secrets, financial secrets from one another. And get this: according to the Harvard Grant study, which tracked couples over 75 years, one of the strongest predictors of long-term marital satisfaction wasn't income. It was shared financial values and goals. Now let that sink in. It's not about your bank account, it's about your unity. Why do we fight about money? Money arguments aren't really even about money. They're about values, actually about priorities, about how you view the world. One spouse might spend to feel secure, right? Kind of thinking, let's enjoy the present. We deserve this. And the other might save obsessively. What if we don't have enough tomorrow? We got to keep, you know, thousands of dollars under the mattress. These are rooted in stories that we've lived, beliefs that we've inherited from our parents, maybe even our grandparents. And sometimes they even come from wounds that we just haven't healed or addressed. Money is emotional. It represents freedom, safety, power, status, even love. At least that's what culture will have us think. So when you argue about it, it's not just about dollars, it's about deeper things. And the solution to arguing, right, isn't to win the argument, it's to understand each other, to get curious about what your spouse believes about money. And we'll talk more about kind of money mindset in the coming episodes. But for now, just remember that differences aren't the problem is. Now let's look at what our faith says about money. Let's revisit that. Well, the Catechism of the Catholic Church says in paragraph 2404, in his use of things, man should regard the external goods he legitimately owns, not merely as exclusive to himself, but common to others. So yes, we own things, but not to hoard them. We are called to steward the money that we are given, especially within marriage, where to become one, right? In other words, it's not his money or her money, it's our money. And it's meant to serve our family, our community, and ultimately God. We are not called to fear money or to idolize it, but instead to put it in its proper place, right? That's the Christian way. Now I want to share something with you that older couples wish they had done differently. Um, I just want to step back for a moment and just share with you. When I uh sat down and read through a series of interviews and studies, along with plenty of conversations that I've personally had with couples who have been married for 30 or 40, 50 years, some consistent regrets came up between these couples when it comes to money. And here are a few of those regrets. One theme or regret is I wish we had talked about money sooner and more often. So many couples admitted that they avoided financial conversations early on because they were in the honeymoon phase. They were getting along well, they were going out with their friends before they had children. They didn't want to rock the boat, they didn't want to make the other person feel uncomfortable or cause a fight. But guess what? That silence led to bigger problems down the road. Debt they got into, mistrust with money, and resentment. Another regret that married couples say that they have when it comes to money is I wish we had worked as a team right from the beginning when it comes to our finances. A lot of older couples admitted that, you know, one person managed all the money in the relationship and the other one felt left out or frustrated. They now see the importance of both spouses being involved in the budgeting and the planning process, even if that means that one of them is more numbers-oriented. It wasn't about balance, like you do half of the work and I do half of the work. It's a 50-50, but it's about both contributing to the conversations, the goals, and the plans of the family budget. Another thing that came across was that we should have created a budget together and actually stuck with it. Right. And not just any budget, but these couples say a budget that reflected their shared values, something that honored both their needs and their dreams and allowed them to give, save, and spend with purpose. And another thing, I wish we'd been more generous. This one surprised me, but so many older couples said they regret not giving more when they were young, even when they didn't have much to give. Because as they grow older, they realize that generosity formed their hearts more than any savings account ever did. So they would have given more when they were young versus having that deficit mindset, thinking we aren't in a position where we could give. They realize that giving to charitable causes is what helps their hearts be full versus, you know, saving that extra dime or or you know, saving up or spending on something that the family has been sort of pining over for a period of time. And another one is that we focus too much on things and not enough on meaning. Guys, this one is huge, right? It's easy to chase the bigger house, the better car, the vacations that everybody posts about on social media. But then we miss the opportunity to use money as a tool for mission. And that's what we have been designed for, is to be on mission with our spouse and our family, that we have a purpose, that we are doing something out in the community to bring them closer to God, right? And so if we're chasing what the world says is, you know, success, the car, the house, the shopping spree, whatever, we're really missing the opportunity to use money as a tool for mission. And guys, these couples weren't beating themselves up. They were simply sharing wisdom with our community. And we'd be smart to listen, right? In your early years of marriage, or even if you've been married a while, know this. It is never too late to have the conversations these couples wish they would have had. So here's a call to teamwork. Your challenge this week. I want you to set aside 20 minutes with your spouse. Now you're gonna have to put this on the calendar because you and I both know as busy parents, if it's not on the calendar, it doesn't happen. So pick a spot on your calendar where you're gonna have no distractions, no phones, but it's just the two of you. If you have young kids, this is likely gonna be after they've gone to bed for the night or before they open their eyes early in the morning, whichever works best for you as a couple. But set aside 20 minutes with your spouse and ask each other these questions. What does financial peace look like to you? What did money feel like growing up? And what are your biggest hopes and some of your biggest fears around money? Now I know some of you are thinking, these are generic, these are general questions. Guys, when you're in the day-to-day blocking and tackling all the things that are coming up on your family calendar, it's so important to zoom out and take a look at these more general questions that get you dreaming and get you visualizing what it is you want big picture for your family. So take these seriously. What does financial peace look like to you? No judgment. Don't judge your partner, just allow them to answer however they heard the question. What does money feel like growing up? And what are your biggest hopes and some of your biggest fears around money? And if you're stuck, I want you to just start with a simple prayer, right? Lord, help us to become good stewards of what you have given us. Help us to use our money, not for control or comfort, but for love, purpose, and unity. Amen. Remember, you're not enemies, you're allies. You are on the same team, trying to get your family down the field towards the end zone, which is heaven, right? Marriage is not a tug of war, folks. It's a shared mission. And when you choose to be a team with money, I'm telling you, you don't just solve financial problems. You grow closer in trust, love, and even holiness. So if today's episode stirred something up in your heart, just know this. This is just the beginning. We have some great guests coming up on our show that are gonna talk about their experience with finances in the context of their marriage and family life. So let me give you a little preview of what's coming up. We're gonna talk about the five top things married couples argue about when it comes to money. We're also going to talk about some things that couples fail to plan for, which is retirement and life when their kids leave the nest. Okay. And we're gonna talk about how to do finances without fighting. Okay. So I want you to stay tuned and I want to just close us with a little prayer. Hey, I haven't done this on the podcast yet, but I care about y'all. I care about you. You're on my mind, in my heart. And uh I just want to close this episode with a prayer. Lord, you are the giver of all good gifts. Help us to use money not as a source of division between us, but as a tool for love, generosity, and peace in our marriage. Teach us to trust you with our needs, to be faithful stewards, and to walk in unity as husband and wife. Amen. Friends, that's it for today. Again, if this episode encouraged you, would you please share it with another couple who could use some peace around the topic of money? And by all means, share it with your spouse. This is a great episode to get you over that uncomfortable hump of starting the conversation about your finances if you haven't already. So hit the little box with the arrow up on your uh podcast player and share it in a text message to your spouse or forward our email on to someone in your network who could really hear this message and stay tuned for the episodes following. And by the way, don't forget to subscribe so that you will get the next episodes of our podcast automatically. I'll catch you next time on another episode of our show. In the meantime, know that we are always in your corner.