Ep. #174: The Money Talk Every Couple Needs to Have (and How to Start Tonight)

Ever feel like money talks with your spouse turn into a maze of receipts, blame, and “we’ll do this when life slows down”? Let’s change the script.

We close our money and marriage series with a simple, powerful exercise that helps you move from logistics and conflict to compassion and clarity—no perfect plan required. With a pen, two sheets of paper, and 30 minutes, you’ll uncover the stories you each carry about money, the beliefs you absorbed growing up, and the hopes you want to build together.

You'll hear:
• why waiting for the perfect time keeps you stuck
• how stories shape money beliefs and reactions
• questions that uncover childhood scripts and adult triggers
• practices to build empathy before budgets
• inviting God into marriage and money through prayer

Did you love this episode? Send me an email (jordan@familiesofcharacter.com) and tell me what surprised you! What did you learn about your spouse through the exercise? Or what new dream did you discover together? And if this episode was a favorite, share it with a friend!

Chapters

• 0:58 Welcome & Series Finale Focus
• 1:42 Stop Waiting, Start Talking Together
• 3:10 Why We Avoid Money Conversations
• 4:31 Faith, Stewardship, and Shared Vision
• 5:44 Stories Before Spreadsheets
• 7:48 Set Up the Reflection Session
• 8:24 Part 1: Looking Back Questions
• 10:09 Part 2: Looking Forward Questions
• 11:29 Share, Listen, Find Overlap
• 12:54 Why This Reduces Stress
• 14:52 Invite God Into Your Finances
• 16:30 Commit, Share, and Next Steps

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:29

Hey there, friend. Welcome back to the Families of Character Show, where we get real about marriage, parenting, and growing as good stewards of what God has entrusted to us. I'm your host, Jordan Langdon, and today we're wrapping up our money and marriage series with what I believe is the most important episode of them all. We've already talked about the why behind managing money together. We've covered some practical nuts and bolts about saving, giving, and planning for the future. But here is the thing: none of that really matters if you don't do this next step. You've got to sit down together and have your very first real conversation about money as a couple. And guess what? You can totally do this. So if you're listening right now, grab a pen and some paper, maybe even hit pause and call your spouse over. This conversation is what sets the tone for how you approach your finances as a team. Guys, it's time to move from talking about talking to actually talking to one another about money. Here's what I've seen over and over again when I'm coaching couples. The truth is, most of us avoid conversations because we think we have to have it all figured out first. Like we have to have the plan, we have to come with solutions. And if we don't do that, then it's not worthy of sort of booking time on the calendar with your spouse to sit down and have the conversation. We'll even say things like, you know, when we have more income, then we'll sit down and talk. Or after we get done paying down all this debt, then we'll plan for the future. Or even like, hey guys, when life slows down, we'll finally make a budget. Well, guess what? Life is not gonna slow down. If anything, it might speed up. So waiting for the perfect time just keeps you stuck. And all of that overwhelm creates this drag on your psyche. It keeps you from experiencing true joy and peace in your marriage and family life. The thing is, we don't even realize how much drag we have going on because we know we need to have these conversations, but we keep postponing them. So my encouragement to you right now is just to say yes to this episode, to say yes to this free, what would normally be offered in an expensive coaching course or a$125 uh counseling session with your spouse and a therapist. Just say yes to doing this free reflection exercise that can get you talking and get you on the same page. A shared vision about your future with your spouse doesn't come from having all the answers. It comes from intentionally sitting together, asking honest questions and listening to each other's hearts. Guys, if we look at scripture, Psalm 24, one reminds us the earth is the Lord's and everything in it. Friends, that includes our income, our savings, and our goals for the future. We are stewards, and stewardship starts with conversations. So I want to pause here because I know some of you are already thinking, like, we've tried talking about money before and it didn't go well, or we're both too tired at the end of the day, right? To have that deep conversation. But I want you to hear this. Carving out 30 minutes to talk about your stories and your hopes around money is not really about the numbers. It's about understanding what shaped each of you, the beliefs you absorbed in childhood, learning to see each other's hearts rather than assuming motives, which is so often the problem in our conversations. Assuming our spouse has ill motives or intent. It helps you to lay down some of the defenses and frustrations that get you stuck in these money conversations. So when couples skip this step and just go straight to the planning or to quicken or the YNAB app or whatever, what often happens is that money conversations become nothing but logistics and conflict. Okay. You know, this question how do how much did we spend on groceries? How much was that Costco bill? Why did you buy that? We need to save more for the kids' college. You see, when you begin with each other's stories, where your attitudes and your mindset came from, what you hope for, you build this bridge of compassion. Okay, you start to see why your spouse reacts the way they do when a big bill comes in, or when the topic of charitable giving comes up. You start to understand the why behind the behaviors. So that 30-minute investment of time has the power to really soften both of your hearts, to reduce blame, and to create a sense that you're on the same team. That's what we're all about here at Families of Character is being a united team as husband and wife. I've watched couples who felt completely gridlocked around money finally breathe again because they took this first step. Not by solving the budget, but by seeing each other's hearts. This just happened in our coaching session a few weeks ago with couples who are in the families of character community and went through this reflection exercise themselves. So if you've been feeling stuck, anxious, or even resentful about money, I want you to know this is not about getting math perfect. Okay. It's about starting a new chapter together. So here's what I want you to do: grab, hit pause if you need to here and go grab a couple sheets of paper, can be blank or lined, one for each of you, and a pen. I want you to put your phones on silent so you can be fully in the moment. Maybe pour some coffee or tea or a glass of wine. The point is to slow down and give this conversation your full attention. If you're listening while you drive or fold laundry right now, no problem. Just listen through right now and then go to your calendar and set a time later today or this week to sit down together with your spouse. I promise this will be worth your time. We're gonna use just a simple two-part reflection. The first step is looking back. It's a glance in the rear view mirror. Okay, so each of you will take a few minutes, maybe set a timer for 10 to 15 minutes to reflect on your own upbringing and your hopes for the future. And I'm gonna give you the questions to reflect on and to write about. But just take a few minutes to jot down your thoughts without discussing them with your spouse, spouse just yet, without discussing them with your spouse just yet. Question number one, how did your parents manning question one, how did your parents manage money in your household? Did one person take the lead? Did they talk about money openly? Was it secretive, stressful, peaceful? I want you to write your answers to these questions in full sentences, kind of like in story form. Question number two, what feelings or attitudes about money did you pick up from your parents? Fear, security, scarcity, abundance, generosity, what feelings or attitudes about money did you pick up from your parents? Question number three, how did you see your parents use money? If you think back on your childhood, did you see your parents use money primarily for the family's needs, for experiences, for giving charitably, or on material items? Write down what you remember about how you saw your parents use money. Now, step two of this exercise is looking forward. It's glancing forward into your future, thinking about your own view of money going forward. Question number one to answer here. What's one thing your parents did with money that you'd like to continue in your marriage today or in the future? What is one thing your parents did with money that you would like to continue in your marriage? Here's a second question. What's one thing you'd like to do differently than your parents did? And question number three, what's something completely new you'd like you and your spouse to try in how you approach money? For example, maybe you'd like to have a monthly giving plan and you just haven't talked about that yet. Or an annual financial retreat where you get away to an Airbnb for a night and just talk about the finances in a nice quaint setting. Or maybe it's a dream planning session. Okay. What is something completely new that you'd like to try in your approach to money with your spouse? Once you finished answering these questions individually in written form, take a few minutes to come back together and share your answers with one another. This is a beautiful thing to take what you thought about in your mind, wrote about on your paper, and then to make it audible, to hear your own voice read these answers aloud to yourself and to your spouse. And you guys, when you're talking about this and listening to one another, I really want you to focus on keeping your heart open that you might learn something new about your spouse during this episode, that you might learn something new about your spouse during this reflection exercise. And then ask yourselves like, where did our answers overlap? And then where are they different? And finally, how can we build a vision for our financial future that is rooted in faith, teamwork, and stewardship? And then finally, what's one thing that we commit to doing to take just one step forward in managing our money in a way that honors our vision for our future and God's plan for us to really be good stewards of the money, the gifts that He has entrusted to us. So, do you want to know why this works? I'm gonna tell you. You might be tempted to just think like, listen, we'll do this when we're not tired or stressed. Like, oh, I just thought I was gonna learn something on this podcast episode, real quick, hack, and could, you know, take the information, move on. But she's asking me to sit down. Here's the truth. The act of talking is what begins to reduce stress, right? If you've ever had a session with a friend where you've just kind of unloaded about something, you've vented about something, you know that that relieves a little bit of stress. Well, guess what? When you put something in writing, you pause to reflect on something and write it down in written form, and then you audibly say it so that you can hear your vision and your responses and your spouse can hear it, a whole nother level of stress comes off. When you share your history with someone you trust, like your spouse, what shaped you when you think about money and how you experienced money growing up? And then what you long for, right? You have made a commitment and a covenant to your spouse for life. So to be able to share what you long for in the future, the vision that you have for your family in terms of money and goals, what happens when you do that is it stops feeling like you're on opposite teams. Okay. You realize things like, oh, that's why you get anxious when we spend too much on vacations, or that's why you value giving or tithing so much. You saw it modeled as a kid, and I didn't. Guys, doing this type of reflection exercise makes money move from being a point of tension to being a shared journey of stewardship. And if you're a person of faith, remember you're not just making a plan for dollars and cents, right? By doing this, you are inviting God into your marriage and your money. That's an important thing. And what a beautiful place to start before you start getting into the nuts and bolts about maybe the next actions that you plan to take. So before we wrap up, I just want to say this. You know, this conversation alone is not going to solve everything in one sitting when it comes to marriage and money. And we know that. But the goal isn't to create a perfect budget or to just decide on like every detail in one sitting. The goal is just to begin, to open the door to honest dialogue and to listen to each other's stories. Proverbs 16, 3 tells us, commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. Again, that verse says, Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. Friends, as you start this conversation, invite him in. Pray together before you begin this exercise. Ask for wisdom, unity, and trust in his provision for your lives. If you do this exercise, sit down, write, and talk. You will have taken the single most powerful step toward building a financial future that both you and your spouse feel hopeful about. So listen, friends, if you're part of our families of character community, you're listening to these podcasts, you're part of our coaching community, you've been to our Parents' Night Out Date Night events on the first Friday of the month, I would love to hear about your experience. I want you to email me, email me personally at Jordan J-O-R-D-A-N at familiesofcharacter.com. I want you to tell me what surprised you? What did you learn about your spouse through this exercise? Or what new dream did you discover together? And if this episode blessed you, would you please share it with a friend, maybe another couple in your church or a sibling or someone you know who's been struggling with money conversations or maybe avoiding money altogether in their marriage? We know that avoidance is not the answer, but coming together with charity and a tender place for our spouse to land and to just talk about some things that are can be difficult or triggering, like money, that's what we're going for, is a nice, gentle place to land the plane and have these types of conversations. So share this with others because you just have no idea how the Holy Spirit may just be nudging you. Um, and how your simple act of sharing might just be encouragement that the uh another couple may really need to start their own conversation. You're not just managing money, guys. You're writing the story of your marriage and your family's future. Thanks for joining me today. I just love being able to get on this mic and share with you things that have been incredibly helpful for my husband Josh and I in our 21 years of marriage. It's a true gift to be able to share with you on this podcast. So thanks for joining me and for being courageous enough to do the hard work. It's holy work, but it's growing together and it's totally worth it. So until next time, stay intentional about forming and fortifying the foundation of your marriage and stay united, commit to each other. If this is hard, this is how it's supposed to be for seasons, and we're going to get through it and do it together. And also, keep building your family of character. I'll catch you on another episode of our show real soon. Take care, you guys.