Ep. #178: How to Avoid Family Fights Over the Holidays & Enjoy Your Company

Holiday gatherings don’t have to feel like conversational minefields. We explore a practical, heart-forward approach to keep the peace without tiptoeing around every topic: lead with curiosity, set kind boundaries, and make service your default setting. Instead of avoiding politics, religion, or health decisions by staying silent, we share scripts and strategies that let you engage without getting dragged into a win-or-lose debate. We trade the tired “don’t talk about it” rules for a better plan!

We also discuss:
• reframing the goal from winning to harmony
• shifting from opinions to stories and experiences
• using open questions to deepen understanding
• setting friendly boundaries and graceful exits
• applying self-deprecating humor to defuse tension
• practical self-care: limits, sleep, breaks, helping the host
• modeling calm connection for kids and family culture
• serving others to reduce conflict and build trust

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Chapters

• 0:58 Milestone, Gratitude, And Mission
• 2:15 Why Gatherings Trigger Conflict
• 4:17 Define The Real Goal: Harmony
• 6:40 Ditch The Don’ts, Try Better Tools
• 8:50 Curiosity Over Being Right
• 11:33 Make Connection An Intentional Plan
• 13:53 Walk In Their Shoes
• 16:42 Everyone Wants To Be Seen
• 19:00 Boundaries That Disarm Debate
• 21:06 Empathy Beats Arguments

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:29

Hey there, families of character. I'm your host, Jordan Langdon, here for another episode of our show. Y'all, this is episode 178. Our podcast is a toddler now, 78 weeks old, or three and a half years. Isn't it so funny how as new parents, we often refer to our child's age in weeks or months, even long after they've hit their first and second birthdays. I always love it when someone says, he's 26 months. It's just so cute. In all seriousness, thank you for supporting our show. When you subscribe to the Families of Character show, listen, and then share these episodes with your family and friends. It helps us get our message out far and wide. To date, our show has been downloaded over 50,000 times. So thank you for helping us to expand our mission to help unite families and bring peace and joy back to the cellular level of society, to the family. Okay, so this episode is all about how to avoid fights over the holidays. But no matter when you're listening, this advice is relevant. You're probably able to call to mind the last family get-together you attended or hosted and how you felt when it was over, especially if that was recently. So if you can just call to mind your last family get-together, take just a quick moment to verbalize that right now. Just what was that? Like Joe's wedding or our Labor Day family reunion. Keeping that in mind, you know, holidays and family celebrations or gatherings can be quite stressful when it comes to conversations and what to say when you haven't seen each other in months or sometimes even years. And there's all kinds of stuff that make interacting just a little bit tricky to navigate. For example, if there's alcohol involved, right, that can throw a wrench into the whole situation because what once was taboo to talk about could come flying out of someone's mouth and then it's out there. If someone reveals something new or surprising, that can be tricky too. And how about when someone just kind of enjoys picking at you, right? Picking a fight or needling about something that's sensitive to you, or maybe even making fun of you, or making fun of something that you did in your past. All of these nuances can make navigating conversations tricky. So keeping in mind how your last get together went, let's jump right into how to avoid family fights in the future and focus on what's most important. First of all, what's most important is coming together, right? I mean, if you think back, way back to 2020, we were all quarantined and isolated for a good chunk of the holidays, and we couldn't really get together with people, and we missed that. Well, things are definitely back to normal now, and it's great to be able to see people when we want to, but also our time is precious. So we want it to be enjoyable, right? So getting together and being with one another in harmony is the goal. That being said, having meaningful conversations and being mindful not to judge others and pick fights are the objectives that will help us attain our goal. And listen, if you disagree with me that being together in harmony is the goal, guys, why are you saying yes to gathering together with these people then? What's your why for attending or hosting or inviting them? That's an honest question to ask yourself. And if you did say yes to an invitation to Christmas or New Year's or the 40th birthday party because you really do want to be together in harmony, even a small part of you, would that make sense, most sense, to focus on truly being present and enjoying yourself in the presence of those around you? I think so. Now I do get it. Some of you are thinking, you know what? I never want to join my in-laws or my spouse's co-workers or my own siblings for the holidays, but it's just a tradition that we've kept up for years, so I can't say no. Well, you are an adult and you can say no, but you choose not to. And if you choose not to, that's okay. Sometimes we do things out of obligation or sacrifice for our spouse or a friend. But even if that's the case, this episode is gonna help you make the most of the time you spend with these folks and to go into it with a different mindset. It doesn't have to be a dreaded get together. So I'm not gonna tell you what most people would tell you about how to handle the holidays when it comes to conversations around the dinner table, which is all the don'ts. Like, just don't bring up politics, don't talk about religion, don't talk about your relationship status, your children, or lack thereof. Guys, to me, that's cheap advice anyway. That's a plan of pure avoidance, right? Just don't step on the landmines. We can do better than that. And I'm calling you to do better than that. Instead, I want to give you some solid advice that five years ago I wanted to know myself. I want you to know how to engage your family in a genuine way where your focus is external versus internal. I want you to know how to politely disengage if Uncle Joe starts digging in his claws for a good old long debate that you know won't end well. And I do want you to know how to lovingly decline to participate in certain topics if you'd like to, because that's okay too. The focus of this episode is about setting healthy boundaries with your family, with an emphasis on being curious, being a listener, going on the hunt to learn something new about the people you're spending time with. In other words, I want you to know how to participate and truly lean in and be genuinely interested in the people you choose to spend your holidays with, without judgment, without getting triggered to take a side or defend your position, because that's what usually happens when we're participating in the conversation about religion, politics, relationship status, or healthcare decisions, right? We're focused more on being right and defending our position than on the true connection itself. So let's do it. Let's take a completely different approach to the holidays, to family gatherings. Instead of going into the situation with our stance ready or our guard up with that sense of fear or dread, what if we went into it equipped with the best tools for engaging people and taking a genuine interest in their lives? Think about that for a minute. How might that make your holiday time more enjoyable? Would that be different from what you normally do? Taking more of a listening approach rather than just showing up and waiting for someone to throw out a topic to discuss and then taking a swing at it? Most of us do that, right? We just show up with our food and gifts in tow and then jump in when conversations happen and then go to bed that night wondering if we put our foot in our mouth or not, right? How often has that happened to you? Does this sound crazy to have an intentional plan for managing conversations when you're attending a gathering? Maybe so, because it's new. Well, just stay with me here. Okay. What if you didn't worry about what you were going to share and instead focused your efforts solely around connecting with others to find out what's going on in their world, what's interesting to them? You could think about it like you're going on the hunt to find out some new information about these people. Not gossip, but something new you never knew about them, where they went to vacation, what career goals they're chasing, what it's actually like to shoot and skin a deer, right? What their biggest health struggle is. What if you challenged yourself to make this next get-together an adventure where you're trying to truly walk in someone else's shoes? To walk away knowing more deeply what it would be like to lose your beloved pet of 13 years, or to wait for the news from the doctor when you're waiting to find out if your cancer is back, or what it was like to take five kids to Disney in 113-degree heat when you actually hate mascots and Disney. Right? There are so many experiences we have had. And sharing those experiences with someone like you who is capable of validating their experience, entering into their feelings and emotions without judgment or without hijacking the conversation to make it about your trip to Disney or your latest health scare, that makes a person feel seen. It makes a lasting connection for them. It makes their feeling when they leave the gathering be one that's positive, that lingers, one that's not forgotten. All of us want to be seen and known. I just listened to one of the best podcast episodes I've ever come across. It was hosted by Ed Milette. And he interviewed Kevin Hines, a gentleman who shared his story about jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, an attempt to kill himself. And he talks about what the bus ride on the way to the bridge was like. He talked about hearing voices telling him he needed to die that particular day and the agonizing pain he was in, just hoping some human, some person on that bus, witnessing him yelling back at the voices, would have the courage to tell him, it's okay. You don't have to do it. And how once he got to the bridge to jump, a woman approached him. And again, he was hoping that he would be sane, that she would say something that would convince him that today he didn't have to die. But instead, you know what she did? She asked him to take a picture of her, and she never said a word to Kevin. You see, most of us are very internally focused. We're more consumed with what we need from an encounter, a relationship, a celebration. And in the meantime, there's someone right in front of us that just wants to be seen, wants to be heard, wants to be understood. Maybe the way they present themselves doesn't look like that's what they want. They're yelling nonsensical things that we don't understand or raising their voice, whatever. But the fact remains that everyone wants to be seen and known. Everyone, including your brother-in-law, your spouse's boss, your mother, your neighbor, and you know what? Especially your own spouse and your own children under your roof. So, how can we feel bad about going into a gathering with the mindset that we are going to see and know our company? That by the time we leave, we're gonna know more than we did before about each person we encountered. Isn't that what matters more than when in the debate with Uncle Joe or repeating our religious or political beliefs 13 times in our attempt to change the minds of those around us? Isn't loving people where they are the key to connection and not fighting? Now, because we are only in control of ourselves and our own actions, it is important to have a game plan on how to respond to circumstances outside our control. So let's take a quick look at some practical examples some people have shared with me when it comes to engaging family and friends, when there's some history of arguing or blow-ups. When a person engages you about a topic you feel uncomfortable with, there are two ways to handle it. First, you can compliment the person about how well versed they are in the topic and then politely excuse yourself from the conversation. I love that one. Maybe you say something like, Uncle Joe, you might be one of the most knowledgeable people I know when it comes to politics. And I'm not really even comfortable contributing because politics just isn't my thing. Or you say, because there's no way I can offer more than what you know. I'm interested in what you have to say, though. In saying this, you're not fluffing up a skirt, you're acknowledging that you respect his body of knowledge, right? Not that you agree with it, but the he has gathered knowledge about politics. You're just acknowledging that, and that validates him. And you also indicate that you aren't interested in contributing to the conversation, but you are open to hearing his thoughts. This boundary helps indicate you will listen, but you aren't going to debate. Use a little self-deprecating humor. This is one of my go-tos. I like to just laugh a little and say, man, you've known me for 20 years. You know I'm not up for going toe to toe on this topic. Like I'm here for the party. Or if you have been up for going toe to toe with people in the past, you can make a joke about that and just say, you know what? I've given that up. That was the old me. I used to be feisty and up for a good old debate, but I have retired that part of me. I'm good to just enjoy your company. You see, when people aren't afraid to be the butt of their own jokes or to poke fun at themselves a bit, they come across as humble. Psychology research shows that humble people are attractive, empathetic, and apologetic. And when you make fun of yourself, you appear to be friendly and real because you are. You show that you're not above anyone. You make everyone around you feel superior, which is one of the main reasons others laugh. And since you are the target of your own joke, you're not going to offend anyone either. So keep it light. It'll disarm the other person and you'll avoid conflict. Now, if you do want to be part of these sometimes controversial conversations, but aren't certain your message will be properly received, consider just asking some open-ended questions to get the other person to offer their point of view and try to enter into their experience instead. Guys, empathy goes a long way. Gathering information to increase understanding is kind and genuine. Arguing or debating at a family function will distract from the host and hostess or the person being celebrated if it's a party or a baby shower or something. You may have to be the person to set the boundary so arguments don't ensue. And in order to be prepared to act in a way that is in line with your conscience, there are some basic self-care tips to consider, especially around the holidays. One is just limit yourself to one drink if you're drinking alcohol. Just avoid the temptation to stay up past midnight and instead set solid boundaries on what time you go to sleep at night. That helps. And take breaks in the action. Go for a 15-minute walk. Excuse yourself for a conversation to help the hostess set up or clean up or take a nap with the baby without guilt. And make a plan before you arrive with your spouse or whoever you ride with and stick to the plan. If you're gonna leave at 8, leave at 8. Be a helper. It's hard to be engaged in a contentious debate or get your knickers in a bunch or find yourself gossiping if you're running the trash out or washing the dishes or packaging up some leftovers. So be a helper. And parents, just imagine. Just imagine if you're modeling this way of being for your kids, how they will show up at family gatherings in the future, how they will show up for their spouse and their kids. Our kids are always watching and learning from us. If you make some small changes in the way you engage family and friends, imagine the difference that will make for your kids in five, 10, and 15 years. Friends, serving another is the highest form of love. Choose love, choose the high road, go on the hunt for something new about a person and be the one that helps someone be seen and heard. It might just save you from a fight and save their life. Friends, if you aren't part of our parent community, please join today. Go to families of character.com and subscribe to our weekly newsletter. And if you're in the Denver area, be sure to go to our website and check out the Denver events tab to see what community gatherings we have going on. We would love to have you join us. And please do me a favor, keep this little toddler podcast growing and rate and review our podcast and considering and consider making a small donation to our organization. We are a nonprofit and your support helps keep us on the airwaves and helps us offer tons of valuable resources for married couples raising kids today. Friends, I see you, you matter, and your family matters. Enjoy getting to know more about each other. I'll catch you on another episode of our show real soon. Take care and happy holidays.