Why nothing changed until I forgave myself: Dr. Harte's story of redemption

What if forgiveness isn’t something you give away—but the foundation you stand on? I share a raw story of recovery, grief, and betrayal that reframed everything I believed about healing. After losing my sister to overdose, my two worlds—clinical work and spiritual practice—collided, and I began translating the wisdom of recovery for anyone stuck in cycles of addiction, perfectionism, or emotional chaos. The ninth step’s spirit of amends became a mirror: before I could repair anything outside me, I had to make amends to myself.

We walk through the turning points: trying to out-perfect a collapsing marriage, hitting a rock bottom that wasn’t dramatic but devastating, and discovering that self-soothing at thirty was the first adult act of compassion I’d allowed. I explain how I worked the steps on my relationship—naming powerlessness where I had none, confronting the inner critic that kept me hostage, and learning to speak from intuition instead of fear. When a five-year affair came to light, rage and space followed—and so did a new business born from a conviction that true wellness must include the spirit. Months later, a quiet inner voice asked if I was truly done. The answer didn’t come from public opinion or pride; it came from a shame-cleared self that could choose with integrity. For me, that meant staying, rebuilding, and creating a family. For you, it might mean leaving. The point is freedom.

If you’ve wondered why your apologies don’t change anything, why perfectionism fails in matters of the heart, or how to stop paying for the past twice, this conversation offers practical steps and real hope. You’ll learn how to turn amends inward, talk to the critic without surrendering to it, and let intuition lead. Share this with someone who needs more self-compassion, subscribe for more honest conversations about recovery and wellness, and leave a review with the one belief you’re ready to release. Your freedom might start with a single self-forgiving sentence.

To book a FREE discovery call with Dr. Harte, click the link below!

https://calendly.com/drharte/free-discovery-call-w-dr-harte

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome, Context, And CTA
• 1:45 From Clinician To Author After Loss
• 3:36 Why Forgiveness And Why Now
• 5:15 Audience Definitions Of Forgiveness
• 7:16 Rethinking Amends: Turn It Inward
• 9:20 Perfectionism Collides With Betrayal
• 12:30 Rock Bottom And Self-Soothing
• 15:10 Working The Steps On Marriage
• 18:00 The Radical Idea Of Self-Amends
• 20:10 Dialoguing With The Inner Critic
• 22:20 Intuition As Inner Leadership
• 24:05 Discovery Of A Five-Year Affair
• 26:00 Business Born In The Mess
• 27:40 Choosing To Stay And Rebuild
• 29:20 Clearing Shame To Choose Clearly
• 31:00 Invitation To Do The Work

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Welcome back, everybody, to the truth about addiction. Today's episode is a solo one, and it is from a talk I gave at my September Heart Conscious Creators Event, which is a live monthly event in Los Angeles, and it's all about wellness and an integrative conversation and approach to wellness for the mind, body, and spirit. And this particular talk was all about forgiveness. I asked the audience how they define forgiveness, and I really redirected their attention to the idea of self-forgiveness as the absolute foundation for healing, healing things that need to be reconciled within ourselves, and healing any relationship in our lives, whether it's friendship or romantic. It's a great talk. I hope you guys enjoy it. Please send it to someone who you think needs a little more self-compassion. And like, subscribe, leave a comment. I'd love to hear from you guys what is resonating with you on the podcast, what do you want more or less of? And as always, there will be a link in the show notes to book a free discovery call with me, Dr. Samantha. I'd love to talk to you one-on-one. Have an amazing day and enjoy the episode.

SPEAKER_01: 1:45

A year ago, I wrote a book and it came out and it became a bestseller in multiple categories, which is just unbelievable. I was not on a track to write a book and become an author or a public speaker. I was a clinician who had a private practice in Santa Monica, and I was perfectly fine staying in that lane, sort of. There was a spiritual component to my life. I'm 16 years sober from drugs and alcohol. And my spiritual life, thank you, that is definitely worth an applause. My spiritual life has always been separate from my professional life, from my clinical work in the world. And I started to notice in my patients that they too seemed to be suffering from what I call soul sickness. Not unlike the people in the 12-step rooms that I was very good friends with, not unlike me. And I wanted to do something about it, but I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know what that looked like, and who was I, a doctor of physical therapy of the body, to do anything about the spirit. And then I lost my sister Jessica to a drug overdose on March 13th of 2022. And I don't remember anything about that day. I remember finding out in the Austin Airport with my husband next to me, dropping to the floor and wailing like a dying animal. I remember that. He said that on the airplane, I turned to him and said, I'm writing a fucking book. Now I know that that voice was the voice of my intuition. And rather than it being a whisper, it was a roar. And so I started to write. I didn't know that the book was going to become a modern reinvention of the 12 steps of recovery. But that's what it is. So why are we here and what is this and why are we talking about forgiveness? I knew that I had to share my story, and I knew I had to take the messages that were happening inside of recovery and talk about them out loud to ordinary folks like you who are probably struggling with some cycle of addiction or emotional dysfunction. So I created my own stage. As I rolled into 2025, I thought, how convenient that there's 12 months in the year, there's 12 chapters in my book, and there's 12 steps in recovery. So what if, month by month, I extracted the universal message from each of the steps and I had a conversation with people, a real, raw, honest, guttural conversation about what the universal principle inside of the step actually means, and how we can apply it to how we live, love, parent, and work. So this whole year in particular has been a very curated experience. And so conveniently, September is the ninth month of the year, and in recovery, that is the making and amends process. So what I want to do right now is tell you guys a little story about forgiveness before we roll into what's gonna happen tonight. But be prepared to be an active participant tonight. You're gonna sit, you're gonna listen to some stuff definitely, but you're going to be incited to change. You're going to move your body, you're going to breathe with me, you're going to meditate with me, you're going to have an intimate connection with somebody in this room that you don't know. You are not just going to be a passive participant of this event. Before I talk about me though, I'm really curious. I want to ask you. When I say forgiveness, what comes up for you? What does forgiveness mean to you?

SPEAKER_05: 5:33

It means to let go, uh, don't take things personally, and uh take things with a grain of salt.

SPEAKER_01: 5:40

Okay. Does that resonate with you guys? Okay. I want to hear other things. I want to know what people think when they think about forgiveness. I want to ask you. No pressure.

SPEAKER_05: 5:56

What he said.

SPEAKER_03: 5:57

Oh come on!

SPEAKER_01: 6:02

Okay, I'm gonna come to you. Here, you can take you take the mic. Take the mic.

SPEAKER_06: 6:07

I think to forgive uh is about not sacrificing the future because of the past. And so I think in my mind, that's a lot what happens. We experienced something in the past, and then I think there's a future opportunity cost. And so I think to forgive is to let whatever happened in the past stay in the past so you don't have to pay twice.

SPEAKER_01: 6:30

Mm-hmm. Very good. I want one more. I want to get a sense from the room where your head is at with forgiveness. Does anyone want to willingly answer this? Because I'm just gonna come over to you if you don't Okay, okay.

unknown: 6:43

Pressure.

SPEAKER_01: 6:44

Hi! Hi she's here.

SPEAKER_04: 6:47

I would say it's not reliving something over and over again and thinking about how someone has hurt you and not allowing that to affect relationships and the future with that person or yourself, and how you see someone else or yourself.

SPEAKER_01: 7:12

Okay, yes, rich, rich answers. Good. Okay, so I I think that at least in my personal experience, for a very long time, forgiveness was external, it was an outward act, especially as an addict, right? By the time you get to a 12-step meeting, you have made a lot of mistakes. You have hurt a lot of people, and the amends process is outwardly focused. So making an amends to me meant, I'm so sorry for what I did to you, for what I said to you, for what I didn't do, for what I didn't say. Right? And not just that, but it's about amending your behavior going forward. But what if the real practice of forgiveness was self-forgiveness? What if it actually had nothing to do with anybody else except for yourself? That is what I want to talk about tonight. Because my life did not change until I forgave myself. And I was 30 years old, face down in a pit of despair when that happened. I was one of those addicts who still had a lot of things, even though I overdosed on cocaine, still had a lot of things, a lot of shiny objects, a boyfriend who was angry at me, but still loved me. A fancy degree, a job. I came out from New York to California to start my career. And I was newly sober, but I was like, oh, I made it. I made it. We made it. Me and this guy made it. Everything's gonna be alright. And then he starts pulling away. I'm thinking we're gonna start a family, we're gonna share our finances, like it. This is game fucking on. And he's not sharing his finances, and he's going on business trips, and he's leaving his ring at home, and I'm wondering what is going on. And I ask him, and I yell, and I fly into fits of rage. Because I was in a 12-step program, you guys, but I grew up in a house where there's no such thing as God, and the only person you can count on is yourself. So the more I could perfect the world around me and the people, places, and things in it, the safer I was. Surely there was something I could say or do to change this man's mind. Because he was just still angry for all the things that I did when I was in my active addiction. And he would forgive me, right? And then I would be fine. And this would all go away. Well, it turns out when you're a very good type A, recovering perfectionist over here, it works really well until it doesn't. You know, if I studied hard enough, I could get the A, I could get enough A's, I could graduate summa cum lao and get the fancy degree, get the highest paying job, check, check, check. That's what I was taught. That's what you gotta do, and everything will be okay. Well, perfectionism collapses in matters of the heart. There's no perfect way through betrayal or forgiveness. There is no clear path. But boy, did I try. I begged and I pleaded and I screamed and I shouted and I basically went insane in recovery. Because it wasn't me and God. It was just me and me. And this man had to fucking love and forgive me, or else I was nothing and I was no one. Somehow I had enough sobriety to know that I can't live that way, or I'm gonna be in big trouble. So the fighting got bad enough where I slept on a friend's couch for a couple nights, and she politely asked me to leave. She was a mutual friend of ours, she didn't want to be in the middle. And then I slept at a sponsor's house for a month. Not a good experience. Then I slept on another friend's air mattress for three months, and then I begged my husband to come home. And he was like, we're not ready. This doesn't, this is not, it's not right yet. And I just remember screaming, visiting my family in New York City. Just unwinding. Hi. Hi. And a girlfriend in sobriety looked at me and she said, You can't live like this. This is insane. And if you're not ready to leave your marriage, then you need to find a place that's your own. And you need to heal. Okay. So funny thing about rock bottom is it's not physical. I had overdosed on cocaine years before. That wasn't bottom. Why? Because I still had a lot of tools that I was able to use that worked really, really well by controlling and managing and manipulating the world around me. Rock bottom is a place where you don't want to die, but you cannot go on living the way you've been living. That's where I was. So I go into this apartment. I remember it was unfurnished, I got a mattress, put it on the floor, threw myself back, looked up at the ceiling, started sobbing. What am I gonna do now? And I thought, girl, your best shot is putting your arms around yourself. At least you can hold yourself to sleep while you're sobbing. I remember thinking, what? I mean, there was a part of me that made that suggestion, but it was a really foreign part. And I thought she was crazy, but I was out of options, so I did it. That was the first moment of self-soothing as an adult at 30 years old. I ended up working with a woman in the 12-step rooms who had been through hell and she seemed happy, joyous, and free. And I wanted what she had. And she said, What if we do the steps on your marriage? Now remember, guys, I hated God, right? I was like, this 12-step thing is insane, it's a religious cult. No, no to all of it. I've got this thing called life. And so when she said, What if we do the steps on your marriage? It was like a dog hearing a high-pitched noise. Like, what do you mean? Well, instead of powerlessness over cocaine, what if we focus on powerlessness in your marriage? Over your husband? Over whether or not he is cheating on you, over what happened in the past, over the future of your relationship. And that when you try to exert power over people, places, things, and situations that you cannot control, your life becomes unmanageable in the following ways. Oh, well, rock bottom is a place of deep unmanageability, right? I was essentially homeless in recovery. And I was insane with rage, devoid of self-worth. Unmanageability was crystal clear. Okay? So we go through the steps in this way. What does this have to do with forgiveness, Sam?

unknown: 15:17

Everything.

SPEAKER_01: 15:19

Because you get to the ninth step, which is making an amends. And I'm dreading it. I am dreading it. I'm thinking to myself, I have been sober for five years. I have said I'm sorry to this man so many times. Because boy, in my act of addiction, did I cheat on him. Oof. And I got really bad at it at the end. You know? I'd be at a dinner with him, sending a text message to one of my side pieces and accidentally sending it to him, having no idea. Okay. So I'm looking at this woman thinking, I can't, I cannot, I cannot say I'm sorry again to this man. And she said, no, no. Have you ever made an amends to yourself? What? No one had ever, ever asked me that question in my life. Thirty years old, doctor of physical therapy, five years sober. Not once. Why does that matter? I was sober, physically abstinent, doing everything right. And I was spiritually bankrupt. I was dying on the inside because I hated myself. I could not get out from under the voice inside my head that said, This is what you get for what you did. No matter how much my intuition was trying to talk to me and say, something isn't right. He should have gotten over this by now. He married you anyway. He knew what he walked into. Something isn't right. There was too strong a voice that said, tough shit. So this woman asking me a question, that's all she did. Have you ever made an amends to yourself? Was a permission slip to consider it. The work that I started to do was not spiritual bypass, reading a book and saying I was healed, putting a positive affirmation on my mirror and repeating it and hoping I feel better about myself. It was gritty, it was gross, I was crying, I was depressed, but I was awake. And I started to pay attention to every single time the critical voice showed up in my head, and it was relentless. And every time it did, I had to look at it as a part of me, not as who I am, a part of me that has been trying to protect me my whole life. I couldn't just believe her anymore because she was killing me without knowing it. And I couldn't anesthetize her because I was trying to live a sober life. So what was I gonna do with this part of me? I was gonna talk to her. Hey girl, it's you again. I know why you're here. I know that you think if it's my fault, then all of this makes sense. We could just tie up in a bow while your whole marriage is falling apart. Because if it's on you, then we're in control of it. Right? But you're killing me. You're killing me when you talk to me that way. And I need you to know that I can step in now. And we're gonna heal from this, and we're not gonna berate ourselves. We're not gonna beat ourselves into submission. That is not the way forward. And if I'm a woman who loves and forgives herself, I've got to speak to myself differently. I was literally having conversations with these parts of myself. And then I would dream up in a way that felt safe in my body, resonant in my spirit, what that new self-talk sounded like. I had to think about it. I didn't read it on the internet, I didn't borrow it from somebody else. And then when I thought about what it might be, something like Man, when you were in your active addiction, you made a lot of bad choices. But you're not a bad person. Nope. You're a really good person, and you deserve a loving marriage and a big, beautiful life. You're gonna be okay. I've got you. Right? And I would double down on those things. I would practice speaking to myself from that part of me, which is what I came to understand as the whisper of my intuition. Every good thing, every good thing in my personal life and in my professional life has come from honoring that part of me. You know, now spiritually, I look at my life, and when there's conflict internally, I think about all the little parts of me: the cocaine addict, the perfectionist, the procrastinator. They're all sitting at the boardroom table. In my mind, they all get to chime in. They all get to tell me how they feel. But they do not sit in the seat of CEO. Because the shame that I was carrying by not forgiving myself was killing me. And I have seen it kill so many people that I love. It killed my sister. And just because you're not an addict doesn't mean it's not killing you, too. Forgiveness is about being set free. If you cannot forgive yourself, you will not be able to forgive anybody else, and people are going to hurt you. It turns out my husband was having an affair. Yeah, and I found out when I moved back in with him, thinking everything was okay. He was having a five-year affair with the same woman that started before I even got sober. And it bled into our marriage. You could imagine the rage, the betrayal that I felt. Oh, when I found out it was like a lifetime movie, I took his shit and I fucking threw it out, and I said, you find a place to live. And then he kept coming around the house and memorializing our entire lives and leaving ticket subs of all the places we had been, and I was like, oh, you know, I'm such a good mover. I'm like a professional mover. I've moved so many times in two years. Just move. Just go somewhere else. Get some peace, get some space. So I did. I moved out. In the process, by the way, of doing all this healing work, I started Strong Heart Fitness. I started my own business because that little whisper of my intuition said, this whole healthcare industry is kind of backward, and you're just treating symptoms and actually making people better. You should probably do something about this and open your own practice. So in my marital crisis, my business was born. In that apartment that I did my healing work in, that was my first business space. Because when I moved out, the little voice said, Don't get rid of your lease. You should keep this place and turn it into a fitness studio. This was before the rent went crazy in Santa Monica. And so I did. So I had my business and I moved into my own apartment. And I prepared to file for divorce, and I had all the sex in all the land, and it was fucking glorious. Okay, not gonna lie, yes, it was. And then seven, eight months in, my intuition showed up again. I promised I would not ignore her, and she said very lovingly, are you sure you're done? You can imagine my boardroom table. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Right? And by the way, everyone in California knew me as sober Samantha. Nobody knew me in my reckless addiction. So everyone out here was like, you're not gonna take him back, right? Right? But she just made a loving suggestion. Hey, Sam, if you're done, be done. I love and support you. You have fought the good fight. But if you're not, if you're not done, if you think there is a happy life somewhere on the other side of this mess, and that the way you have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state is possible for him too, then you might need to stay. So I sat with that for many more months. I sat with it. Very uncomfortably. And the vision I got every single time I was trying to make my decision was looking. If you've been to New York City, down a New York City subway tunnel. I think you're waiting for the train at 2 a.m. It's not coming, it's pitch black. You're fucking waiting for the train. And then the headlight pokes through. And I was like, I can't believe this. There is a flicker of hope. There is a flicker of hope that I will be happy with this man. God damn it. I think I have to stay and fight. Now, this is not a talk to tell you that the people who've hurt you the most deserve to be forgiven. That's not what this is. In my story, my consciousness was elevated to a place where I honored the call of my intuition and I did the really scary thing and I took him back. That's not everybody's path. We're married today, that was 12 years ago, we have two babies, and we're in love, and we're really happy. It's a beautiful ending to a crazy story. That's not why I'm telling you the story. If I had not had the experience of working those steps in a new way, turning the amends process onto myself, having a vehicle to clear my shame, so I could get back in congruency with the truest part of who I was, I would never have been able to make a decision about the relationship, period. But I was able to make one with clarity, with confidence, even when everybody else around me told me I was crazy. The ninth step is one step in an entire framework. We're gonna extract tonight all the insidious ways that you guys have not forgiven yourselves. Because I promise you, there's a person who broke your heart, there's a job you didn't get, there's an amount of money you haven't made that you're pissed about. And you're not actually pissed at the thing. You're angry at a part of yourself, and it's keeping you a prisoner, and you deserve to be set free. There is gonna be an opportunity later this evening to literally go to Alejandra and set up a call with me. That's it, a free call. When I lost my sister, I vowed that I was gonna put spirituality at the center of my work in the world, and at the center of that work is self-forgiveness because that is when I started to heal, and that is when my life started to change. And I want that for all of you. But it's one piece of a larger framework. So I'm interested in people who want to get in the fucking mud and do the work. And if what I'm saying is affecting you, good. Don't sleep on that. Don't be the same person when you leave here tonight.

SPEAKER_02: 30:00

Me to my knees, whipping my mistakes to jump over the crease, bring it the circuit, make it worth it. Sick and tired of the voice inside my head. Never good enough, it's leaving me for dead. But perfection's just a game of make-believe. Gotta break a pattern, find a new reprieve. Break in the circuit, make it worth it. Oh, make a change. I have big left my pain. There's a no deep side I left the light. I can be brave and afraid at the same time. Practice of compassion starts to calm my mind. Taking tiny steps on loving all me. Trust the process, cause it's gonna set me free. Bring in the circle, make in it worth it all I am to make a change. I am bigger than my pain. There's no defense I got that I gotta bring it. I'll finger till we make it. Come on! Woo! I am free, some bigger change. I am bigger than my face. There's a no tea big sun I got that time. I am rain, some bigger change. I am bigger than my face. There's a no tea big sad.