What You Can’t Control Is Wrecking Your Peace, Here’s How To Reclaim It with Brooke Burke

Control feels safe until it steals our peace. We sit down with Brooke Burke for a candid, spirited conversation that turns into an unscripted coaching session on surrender, acceptance, and real-world agency. We unpack why powerlessness isn’t weakness but a compass pointing us away from unwinnable battles—other people’s moods, shifting schedules, the traffic, the verdicts of bosses or gatekeepers—and back toward choices that actually change our day.

Together we trace how old survival strategies harden into overfunctioning and anxiety, and how pain can act like a circuit breaker that opens a window for change. Brooke shares a vulnerable story about planning the “perfect” family dinner and facing the gap between her hopes and reality. We use it to model three simple moves: name what’s not in your control, notice how control attempts create unmanageability, and choose one clear action you do own. Sometimes it’s as small as a group text: Is anyone free for dinner tonight?

Expect a blend of practical tools and nervous-system literacy. We talk micro-pauses, sixty-second breath breaks, and nightly accountability scans, all designed to reduce cortisol, reclaim attention, and turn presence into a habit. We also explore the invisible emotional load many women carry, why uncertainty once felt like spiritual death for some of us, and how tracking what we can control—our second thought, our time, our self-talk, our rest—shifts life from frantic to manageable, and from manageable to joyful.

If you’re ready to trade perfection for precision and control for clarity, press play. Share this with someone who needs a gentler way to be powerful, and leave a review to tell us the one thing you’ll stop trying to control this week. Subscribe for more mind, body, and spirit conversations that help you build a calmer, freer life.

Chapters

• 0:00 Why This Conversation Matters
• 0:52 Brooke Burke Setup And Live Coaching
• 3:19 Step One Reframed As Acceptance
• 5:17 Control, Trauma, And Identity
• 7:15 Pain As A Circuit Breaker
• 8:12 Everyday Powerlessness Examples
• 10:25 Partnering With Uncertainty
• 12:05 Unmanageability And The Nervous System
• 14:48 The Invisible Emotional Load
• 16:45 The Family Dinner Meltdown
• 19:00 Turning Toward Solutions
• 21:20 Micro-Pauses And The Power Of A Minute
• 24:05 Breath, Space, And Self-Connection
• 26:10 Summing The Lesson: Surrender To Agency
• 28:35 What You Truly Control

Transcript

SPEAKER_36: 0:00

One, two, three. Welcome back, everybody, to the truth about addiction. All right, this is not your ordinary podcast episode. Here's why. This experience was actually a sit-down with Brooke Burke, who is well known for being a television host, among other things, and a big fitness guru. And she and I have become close friends over the last couple years. In fact, she's the main endorser of my book, Breaking the Circuit. And she has an amazing app. On it, she does sit-downs with women. And what ended up happening is very unexpectedly, I coached her in real time. The whole interview isn't that. We talk about so many things having to do with mind, body, spirit, health, and wellness. So it's a really cool conversation. But I think the most intriguing part is that Brooke, who's normally so positive and high energy, which she still was on the interview, was struggling with something. And it just ended up coming up. And she allowed me to facilitate her reaching some deeper insights into what happened and why and what she might do differently next time. So if you ever wanted to know what it's like to do the spiritual side of coaching with me, this is the episode for you. Please share it with a friend, like, comment, let me know what you want more and less of. And as always, there will be a link in the show notes to book a free, free discovery call with me, Dr. Samantha Hart. I love you. Thank you for being here and for betting on yourself. Enjoy.

SPEAKER_69: 2:29

Enjoy is medicine. Laughter is medicine. Laughter is medicine, and so is vitamin D. It's my favorite time of year. It's springtime. So you might hear birds, but I'm just so happy to be out here in the sunshine, but mostly in this intimate space so that we can connect and share part of our journey and part of our knowledge. And every time you and I get together, there are nuggets, golden nuggets, just of wisdom and honesty and truth and life experience. And let's just give it to him. Let's just give him something to talk about.

SPEAKER_38: 3:03

Let's give him something to talk about. We might we might bust out into song and dance. And I will not be upset if that happens.

SPEAKER_64: 3:10

We might jump in the pool, but you know, we've done worse things. No.

SPEAKER_38: 3:13

This is actually a perfect segue into why we're here and what we're talking about. You know, my book is about taking the traditional 12 steps of recovery and bringing them to the world in a more modern and trauma-informed way. And step one in recovery, very literally, if we're talking about alcohol or drugs, is I'm powerless over, name the substance, and my life has become unmanageable.

SPEAKER_69: 3:42

And one could fill in the blanks by I am powerless over anything, be it substance or not, to apply this to every single human being that's struggling with something. Oh yeah. Okay. Okay. And we're gonna get into that.

SPEAKER_38: 3:56

We're gonna play that game with you actually. And the reason why this step being the first step is really brilliant is because if you extract the spiritual message in it, it's really about acceptance. I remember the first time in recovery, this woman who had so many years sober was like, acceptance doesn't mean you have to like it. Because I always understood if I'm gonna accept something that I really thought I had power and control over, and I realize I don't, then that just means I'm putting my tail between my legs. It was like a defeatist mentality. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_16: 4:33

It's interesting.

SPEAKER_38: 4:34

And so this idea of what it means to spiritually surrender and accept what is. There is not a human being on earth that isn't going to need to develop that skill.

SPEAKER_69: 4:46

You know, we talk about that a lot, differentiating between the story in your mind and actually what is. But one of the things that comes up for me in my narrative and guiding classes is the strongest people, the strongest people know when to surrender. They know how to surrender. You take an athlete, for example, the most trained athletes know when to rest and recover and when to take that break and when to listen to their body. So I am all about surrender. I think that's an invaluable lesson for people that don't understand that that's not giving up, that's not tail between the legs.

SPEAKER_38: 5:20

And if you want to double down on this, if you have complex trauma in your history, and one of the skills you learn to survive in the world and to function and to be loved and revered is to control the world around you. Oof. We can hear this all day long and even intellectually understand it, Billy.

SPEAKER_66: 5:44

And Billy always makes an appearance. You gotta sit down, love. Sit down unless you're listening.

SPEAKER_69: 5:49

Sam's got some really good things to tell us.

SPEAKER_61: 5:52

What do you know about what do you know about surrender?

SPEAKER_69: 5:55

She does not, and that's part of your problem. They do.

SPEAKER_53: 6:00

Part of your problem. Oh girl. Everybody's welcome.

SPEAKER_38: 6:06

But when I think about the early years in recovery, yes, I was able to see powerlessness over cocaine, for example, because it almost killed me. Even that took a while. Yes, it did. But over people, places, things, and situations, absolutely not. That took five more years. Why? Because I grew up in a house that was so unstable that I got really good at controlling the world around me, my grades, my body, the degree I was getting, the job that I had. And so when I was being told to consider powerlessness outside of just drugs and alcohol, I was like, no, thank you. In fact, you're threatening my entire identity that I formed as a young girl that kept me not just safe, but loved and in close proximity to my caregivers, right? So unwinding these deeply conditioned beliefs, unfortunately, in my case, has required a series of bottoms that are so severe. And I'm just one of the lucky ones that didn't die.

SPEAKER_69: 7:06

Well, tell me about the series of bottoms, because I know what many of them are, many of them are, but you say that in a way that, and I know you well enough to know that those series of bottoms were your challenges with the learning lessons that allowed you to evolve. So really important for people listening to know that those low moments in life, the peaks and valleys, all of the things that we all practice, right? That we have a deeper understanding as older women, um, those series of bottoms are the ones that really allow us the challenge of growing and evolving, right?

SPEAKER_38: 7:39

Yeah. I know I it's funny that my book is called Breaking the Circuit, because it never really occurred to me that pain is a circuit breaker. But but what I mean by that on a science level is that unfortunately, unfortunately, pain is often the thing that makes the feedback loop of whatever pattern you're stuck in that really worked for you and now is hurting you, that makes it break. It interrupts the circuitry literally in your brain. And then there's this window of opportunity for change. And for me, I didn't learn the lesson of powerlessness over people, places, things, and situations until I was face down in a marital crisis.

SPEAKER_15: 8:21

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_38: 8:22

Saying and doing everything I possibly could could to make this man forgive me and love me again. So when I think about the average person, when I think about the people I coach who are not addicts, often what we're sifting through with this first step is list some things you're powerless over. People have a really hard time.

SPEAKER_69: 8:41

Like, can you give us just some gender? They don't have to be your personal ones, but for people listening, what are some examples of common things, everyday things that one could be powerless over? The weather? The traffic? Oh, like literal. Okay. Anything. Okay.

SPEAKER_70: 8:57

Well, let the let's get into it. Okay, the time that it's going to take you to get from A to B in LA traffic.

SPEAKER_69: 9:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_38: 9:04

Let's get literal and let's get more granular.

SPEAKER_69: 9:09

Your children's mood. I was just, you just read my mind. Completely powerless over that. So let's just surrender to that as women and mothers right now. Something we cannot control. And if you think you can, you're really walking down a road that is not going to serve you of deep disappointment. Okay.

SPEAKER_38: 9:30

When I drop my children at school, much as I've done as best a job as I can to set them up for success and safety, I'm powerless over what happens to them in that school. Is someone gonna walk on campus and shoot the kids down? Truly. I'm serious.

SPEAKER_69: 9:50

But I but I I do know what you're saying. The the reality that in raising children, who they are supposed to be, not who we want them to be, there comes a point in time where you have to surrender and understand that you are powerless in the journey beyond, you know, uh uh the infant years, right? Yeah. When it's really our job to guide them, feed them, tell them what to do. We do we're kind of doing everything at that stage.

SPEAKER_38: 10:14

We're powerless over we're working on something for our job, our professional life, and then we go out and we present it to a boss, to a friend, to an agent, to somebody who we'd really care about their opinion. We have no control over what they think of what we did, whether we're gonna get picked for the job, whether they like us at all, whether they'll ever respond to us at all. Think about how much emotional real estate this stuff takes up in our head that we actually don't have any control over.

SPEAKER_69: 10:49

Do you think there's freedom in surrendering to that, accepting that, being your best self, doing the best you can, knowing that that's good enough, really owning the fact that your best is good enough, surrendering to that and then just sort of letting it be. I mean, that seems that makes sense to me cerebrally. That's a big lesson for people. If you are showing up completely and giving your all to the best of your ability, that seems like a really good space to own that that's good enough. And then to just let it. We are powerless, you're right. It's like partnering up with uncertainty. Exactly.

SPEAKER_68: 11:31

Exactly. That's freedom for me. Yes, not easy. The very, very, very difficult life for me.

SPEAKER_38: 11:35

Now it's freedom for me, but again, uncertainty felt like death. Uncertainty literally was a spiritual type of death. Death, totally spiritual death, yes.

SPEAKER_69: 11:45

Just anxiety.

SPEAKER_38: 11:46

So when we think about powerlessness in the way we're talking about it, in these more practical ways, right? The next part of this step is, and my life has become unmanageable. So, what does that mean to a mother who's juggling work and children, right? If I'm powerless over whether my kids are gonna get to school on time, whether they're gonna learn anything today, whether something good or bad's gonna happen, if somebody's gonna bully them, whether I'm gonna be able to finish the 18 things on my to-do list, whether I'm gonna be able to meditate and actually fill my cup and put my oxygen mask on first. If I'm powerless over those things, but I'm trying to double down on fixing and changing them and manipulating it so that I can make a difference. My life is gonna become unmanageable for sure. Well, I'm gonna feel stressed, I'm gonna be anxious, I'm probably gonna be edgy, I'm not gonna be top cranky to my intuition, I'm not gonna be my best and highest self. So that's the landscape through which we look at unmanageability. How does forgetting that we actually don't have power over these things really affect us? Really affect us and our body and our spirit and our psyche. Now, here's where the the work comes in.

SPEAKER_69: 12:59

Rick, will you close that door just so we don't hear that vacuum? There's also umbrellas, Rick, because I know you're hiding from the sun. Do you need an umbrella, Stuart? Are you sure? Okay, and there are umbrellas, Rick, whenever you want to grab one, okay? Because I know it's a lot of sun. I think they're right on the side of the house, right there. No, oh, is that where we're hearing it? Is that are you hearing that noise, Stuart? Is that bothering you? The vacuum? Okay.

unknown: 13:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_69: 13:24

I think those are okay. I thought she was in there. She's gonna be done in a minute. Oh I know. Let me just peek really quick because I see him roasting. Hold on. Let me just look really fast for an umbrella right here. I love you, sweetheart. Rick, there is. Where are our umbrellas? There's an umbrella, two umbrellas right there. And you literally could stick it in this pole by the couches and use it. Yeah. Right? Keep going past those heaters. They're right up against the wall, left, right here. They're right at the edge of the house. Yeah, you'll see them. I know I just I see him roasting in the sun. Okay, sorry. Um, this is really good stuff. I know. Really good stuff. Mm-hmm. Okay.

SPEAKER_19: 14:07

Should we start recording?

SPEAKER_69: 14:09

Yeah, I think so. And we're ready to go. Thanks, Rick. Yeah, as you wish. And if you want, you can stick it in that hole, probably. That's what she said, sorry. Exactly.

SPEAKER_10: 14:21

I can't say that I've said that. At least not that way. And we have a blooper.

SPEAKER_69: 14:30

Okay. So this is actually really interesting because the awareness, just to kind of you know, paraphrase it, the awareness of the power of surrender. The power of being powerless. I mean, and how much it affects us when we're trying to control anything that's just setting us up for um for frustration, for disappointment. And it's a big difference between just phoning it in and just blowing it into the wind and being like, ah, I did what I can do. And really trying to control it and manipulate it. So I I mean that wholeheartedly and very serious. When you show up as your all of you, completely your best self, the best version of you, and you give your all, it's gotta be good enough, or you're fucked.

SPEAKER_38: 15:14

You're fucked, right? That's right. And also, if we just look at the science part of this, if you're in a perpetual state of putting out fires and trying to double down on the world around you and the people in it, and changing their mind, changing their behavior, which you cannot. Which you cannot. You are essentially in a state of fight or flight, right? You're you are on autopilot, auto-drive, hypervigilance, which is flooding your system with adrenaline and cortisol. There are studies after studies about how this inflames the body. For sure. And it's no surprise that women are the majority of the people who suffer from autoimmune disease.

SPEAKER_69: 15:58

Do you think that that is because women? This is interesting because my first question for you was gonna be do you feel like women put more pressure on themselves? But I would I would assume men, because generally speaking, through history, you know, they're hunters and gatherers and they have the greater responsibility. I don't believe that to be true anymore, so calm down, ladies. But do you think it's because we don't know how to surrender? We don't understand the what's good enough, we don't know how to not multitask, we don't know um the power of no. I mean, what what's the reason for that?

SPEAKER_38: 16:36

In your opinion, it's so multifactorial and it's so dependent on the person. But I would say that women carry an invisible emotional load, especially in the modern world. An invisible emotional load. In the modern world, we are working and producing almost as much as, if not more than, our husbands financially. And we're caretaking, right?

SPEAKER_69: 17:05

Thank you, girlfriend Samantha. Now I know why I've been so cranky. I'm just gonna put it out there for everybody because after a long work day and a production day, I, my own choice, decided to go to the market to come home, unload groceries, make dinner, not one, but three different dishes, because I have so many people in my household, and set the table and light candles and set the scene after a long work day. Why? Because I thought everybody would love to come home for a family dinner, because I needed family connection, because I needed that moment, because I needed that time in the kitchen, because I needed to serve my family, because I was dealing with the work-life balance of being at work all day long. Guess who sat down at the dinner to enjoy this candlelit, beautifully prepared meal?

SPEAKER_23: 17:52

Me.

SPEAKER_69: 17:54

Because everybody else had other things going on, which was fine for them. Did I check in with every single person? One had a tutor, one was training. Scott was stuck in the LA traffic. Rain and it just was like, and I was so grumpy and crabby and sad and irritated and frustrated that I actually confessed to my entire family that that was the last family dinner ever had.

SPEAKER_50: 18:21

And I know you feel me.

SPEAKER_62: 18:23

And I just had to fess up because sometimes we sit down for these interviews as if we've got it all figured out and that we've got it all handled.

SPEAKER_69: 18:31

Let me promise everybody that's watching, these are nuggets of wisdom, and it is so hard to walk the talk.

SPEAKER_62: 18:37

And I so know better. And I will cook dinner again, everybody don't worry.

SPEAKER_35: 18:43

But not for a long time. Wait, wait, wait. No, this is perfect. We are gonna real time troubleshoot this, bro. Please help me, bro.

SPEAKER_05: 18:49

Please help me. I'm struggling this week.

SPEAKER_38: 18:52

Let's take the dinner example. Let's get really specific.

SPEAKER_05: 18:55

Okay.

SPEAKER_38: 18:56

You're gonna answer this. Yes, I am.

SPEAKER_69: 19:00

I am powerless over I am powerless over my children's schedules, my children's wishes. More? You want more?

SPEAKER_70: 19:11

What else you got? I am powerless over your unconscious expectation that everybody would be so thrilled and show up and all your hard work would be acknowledged.

SPEAKER_69: 19:22

Yeah, and I am conscious. I am I am powerless over um the story that I just wrote and the scene that I just set that all of my players are actually gonna show up and perform for me. Because they're not. They didn't even read the freaking script that night because they didn't even know that act two was on. Damn it, Sam?

SPEAKER_38: 19:46

Why didn't I call you that? I don't know. I mean, you'll know better next time.

SPEAKER_69: 19:52

So I'm kidding. I I I make light of it because these are formulas, right? And nuggets of wisdom and and opportunities to really okay, let really understand. Okay, let me ask you this. What could I have done differently?

SPEAKER_37: 20:06

Wait, oh, we're gonna work. We're gonna work everything. We're we just listed the problem. We can't stop at the problem, by the way. We need to get into the solution. This is supposed to be your interview, but no, I this is this is the interview.

SPEAKER_57: 20:20

If that is true, therapy 101 with Dr. Samantha.

SPEAKER_38: 20:23

If that is true, if you were powerless over some of those things you just mentioned, how did trying to exert power over them make you unmanage, make your life unmanageable, make your emotional state unmanageable?

SPEAKER_69: 20:34

It's human nature for me. I should know better. It's habitual for me. Um, it's one of the things that I do, and I didn't really look at the whole picture, I didn't really walk my myself through it. I I think I I think it's just my norm, and it was really about me. It wasn't about them.

SPEAKER_33: 20:51

How does that make you feel when it didn't go the way you wanted to?

SPEAKER_69: 20:55

I was really disappointed, frustrated, resentful, pissed off, irritated, now we're talking grumpy, my horns started coming out. They did.

SPEAKER_70: 21:07

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_38: 21:08

Um, I was pissed off. Okay. Now, here's the best part of the work. We're gonna look, we're gonna take that same scenario because we know it's gonna come up again. You're a mother, and you have a big blended family. This is not the first and only time. So we're gonna project into the future. What do you have power over? Next time you imagine me being more.

SPEAKER_69: 21:36

I have power over me. I have power with the choices that I make, I have power how I spend my time with me and only me. I have power over my desires and my wishes and and who and how I spend it and the choices that I make, and I have power to communicate in a different way. I mean, I sure could have picked up the phone and been like, hey everybody, I've had a really long day, but I thought I'd go to the market and make dinner. Are you guys into that? Can anybody make it?

SPEAKER_65: 22:03

At a minimum, hold on. At a minimum. Is anyone free for dinner tonight? Brilliant. How did I miss that? How did I miss that? How did I miss that, Sam?

SPEAKER_04: 22:15

Because you're going to be able to do that.

SPEAKER_65: 22:16

I have a 25-year-old child. I've been down this road before.

SPEAKER_69: 22:21

Hey, does anybody want to have a family dinner tonight? Oh, you're training. Oh, good, that's great. I'm super proud of you. Oh, you have a tutor tonight? That's right. I forgot. Oh my gosh, you're gonna eat early because your fasting window is different. Oh, that's cool. Oh, you're right. LA traffic, you probably won't make it. Okay, I'm gonna make some stuff and I'll just leave it on the stove and everybody can serve themselves. And I'll just romance myself in a candle butter, which I would have been fine with anyway, by the way. I'm really good at romancing myself.

SPEAKER_70: 22:46

Billy came to the dinner.

SPEAKER_38: 22:48

She wants to be part of dinner next time. Just you and Billy, party of two.

SPEAKER_03: 22:53

Party of two.

SPEAKER_38: 22:53

Do you see Party of one? Do you see? Do you see how amazing, though, the an application of this step? I'm so glad that you got to use me as an example for this because you know that.

SPEAKER_69: 23:02

I'm so glad this worked out that way because that was what I was hoping. I have no shame, and I'm super vulnerable. And and and the reality of this, to humanize it, is I know better. And it's so easy to just drop into the grind and to lose sight of what really matters and our beautiful ability to communicate efficiently, to create boundaries, to take responsibility for ourselves and not, and I think that's where you're going with this. I'm powerless over all of the other choices. I mean, I can demand a family dinner. I'm mom. If I say this is mandatory, you better show up, or or or we don't know what. But I but I they're also I have to meet my children with respect and freedom also in in in um the life responsibilities that they're faced with on the daily. And so my beautiful idea of being spontaneous, which turned into resentment and disappointment, that's all on me. I am fully responsible for that miss, that choice, that effort, and my own reaction.

SPEAKER_38: 24:15

But you seriously, no, but but you bring up a really good point because you know, we think of like meditation and stopping, I think when we're so busy, this beautiful modern superwoman that we're describing. We think of it as a real block in our progress. We're just like, let's go, let's go, we've got all this shit to do. But literally, we don't have access. You said, How can I forget that? How can I forget? I know, I know, you know, but you cannot remember if there isn't even one to three minutes of space between the doing and the being.

SPEAKER_69: 25:02

You have to one to two minutes of space between the doing and the being. So break it down. What does that look like for people? Okay. What is space, creating space, stealing time? Now we just came back from Costa Rica doing a whole program on this, so we know, but we so easily forget, right? We're all human. What does that look like, Sam?

SPEAKER_38: 25:25

Tell me literally what you were doing before you went and were like, I'm getting this and this from the store because I'm gonna make this and before you what were you physically having to do yesterday in your day? And then I'm gonna tell you literally.

SPEAKER_69: 25:44

I had to get up in the morning, teach a class, get in the car, drive for an hour and a half to go do a podcast in the middle of Beverly Hills, okay, rushing to do that. Then I had to go see my girlfriend who just had a surgery because I wanted to go make sure that she was okay because she needed a couple of things, so I drove all the way over there. Then I had to get back into the car to make it back home, and I wanted to make it to the grocery store so I could buy all this fresh food to come home to prepare this dinner and have everything set peacefully and beautifully for my family to show up.

SPEAKER_71: 26:13

To my family, it's better and better spontaneous family dinner should be taken out of the equation.

SPEAKER_37: 26:25

You're realizing the insanity of that statement. I love that. Okay. So I I mean, probably just by check.

SPEAKER_38: 26:32

Just go ahead and check, just go ahead. Give it to me. Give it to me and I could take it. No, no, no, but this is this is such an honest snapshot of what it is to be a busy working mother. You had there's a couple things. You had time in the car, lots of time in the car. This is not maybe the ideal way, but if it's all we've got, okay, roll the window down, shut the music off, put your phone on silent, and just go, hey Brooke, how are you right now?

SPEAKER_61: 27:07

How are you? That's the being before the doing. That's the space. That's the space.

SPEAKER_38: 27:12

Now, if you don't want to do it while you're driving, you drove two places to go see people, to serve people. You kept emptying the well until it was dry.

SPEAKER_31: 27:22

I just keep doing it. So And they just keep coming for a museum. So here's the so here's the thing.

SPEAKER_38: 27:28

Listen, none of those people would be angrier or worse off if when you arrived at the destination to see and serve them, you parked your car, you set a timer.

SPEAKER_25: 27:41

I know for one minute, one minute, and you just know, but you're right.

SPEAKER_69: 27:51

These are such amazing, simple practices that you're sharing with people. When I arrived in Beverly Hills to see my friend Kelly Gores, who you know, to do her podcast, I love and respect her. Drove from Malibu in the middle of what we're going through because it was meaningful, because you know I keep my word, was super happy to do it. It was the first time I have to share this with you. It was the first time that I've sat down to do an interview, and she's a phenomenal host on it. Scene was set, we're ready to begin the podcast, and she did exactly what you just did. It is the first time in my career that I have seen a house, and she went exactly like this. And she goes, I just need a minute. And I was like, just preach it, Kelly. And I said to her, she took her minute, and I said, You know, Kelly, I'm just admiring you. I'm celebrating you right now because you wait for that. Because this is a really beautiful moment. This is really, really powerful. And she really did that, Stuart. I've never in my entire career had somebody actually pause, take a breath, and get connected. And I was like, You are a queen. Tell me when we're good. So she sat just like this, just like you just did, and I'm gonna do it again because I want everybody watching to have this visual and how quickly you can serve yourself. And she said to me, I just need a minute. And I was like, Oh, I'm taking that minute. And I actually joined her. She took a big breath, maybe a whole minute, got really centered, and then we began. And I said, God, Callie, I just I'm admiring you and celebrating you because people don't do that. This is the first time I've seen a host do that. I do that before I walk onto a live stage because I need to get grounded, I need to get connected here, like in my lower belly. I need to take a moment to just check in with me so I can go perform. But I didn't check in with me before I came home to serve my family, which really I was serving myself, and that's what I was doing for me to serve them. That's a whole nother podcast. But um, yes, I really do believe in the value. You and the power of the pause. I believe that breath is medicine. We started this talk out. Joy is medicine, laughter is medicine, breath is medicine, space is medicine. Thank you for that. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. Brilliant. Boom.

SPEAKER_31: 30:22

Okay, so look, that's a really good output.

SPEAKER_69: 30:25

Reset in your mind because that's a whole great nugget of that. Is there one more moment thought? I mean, that's like so good for you. You just had a real-time therapy session unplanned. Amazing. Right, Stuart? I mean, that was probably 20 minutes more.

unknown: 30:42

2030.

SPEAKER_69: 30:42

2030, which is a lot, a lot. But that was really good. Yeah, there's I mean, there's nothing. And that's, you know, space, breath, accountability, surrender. Not accountability. We didn't get there. Surrender. Brilliant. Acceptance.

SPEAKER_78: 30:54

Agency.

SPEAKER_69: 30:55

So can you sum that up? Just can we just like go back just so we know, sum that up in like a couple minutes and string it all together? Because from your, and just in my producer mind, sorry, but from that narrative, in your VO, you may grab bits and pieces of this. Yep. So just sum that whole thing up. I think that's gonna be super valuable, don't you think, Stuart?

SPEAKER_42: 31:18

It'll be great.

SPEAKER_69: 31:20

Really good. Fucking, I forgot. And by the way, I told him I'm never making family dinner. No, tonight was gonna be like, fuck, I'm not, we're going out to eat. And Scott's like, I'm gonna take it over there. I'm like, let them fucking go. And I'm cut. I mean, it's like I'm that, I mean, I'm that cranky right now. Do you and I know you're recording this, that's private.

SPEAKER_32: 31:36

But do you feel more clear about why? Now I do. Thank you.

SPEAKER_69: 31:42

Okay. Um, so all for you because I want you to have this narrative to put in put in bits and pieces or not, or this may live alone.

SPEAKER_56: 31:50

Just talk to the camera? I don't think so.

SPEAKER_69: 31:52

I don't think to the camera. Um, yeah, I think this is so important. Okay, I got I can do it. I got it. I know you can't.

SPEAKER_38: 32:01

Are you ready?

SPEAKER_62: 32:01

So what just happened?

SPEAKER_38: 32:05

I've been asked to speak in in and out of 12-step meetings for many, many years. And I often will get up to the podium and say, my drug of choice is control. And I can say addicted to that long after I've put the drugs and alcohol down. And it will create a slow spiritual death. How do I know? Because it's happened to me and it's happened to so many people that I love. So we might look at this idea of powerlessness. A lot of mindset people hear that word and go, oh, I don't want to focus on what I'm powerless over. I don't think anybody likes the thought of being of powerlessness.

SPEAKER_70: 32:52

It just has a negative connotation to it.

SPEAKER_38: 32:54

Yep. So it's really about understanding life on life's terms. People, places, and things, behaviors, actions of others that much as we would like to have influence over, we often cannot.

SPEAKER_69: 33:12

So that's understanding life on life's terms is that's really powerful.

SPEAKER_38: 33:20

Sorry. Why does that but why does that matter? You know, we we don't like the word powerlessness. We don't like the feeling of being out of control, and yet most things are. We literally don't know if the power is gonna go on or off. We don't know if we're gonna hit a traffic jam, we don't know if our children are going to be safe out in the world, we don't know if we're gonna get fired from our job. We literally have so little control. And the idea of recognizing that and understanding the level of unmanageability it gives to our nervous system, our body, our spirit, our mind, is so that we can really expand our consciousness on what we can control and what we can change.

SPEAKER_69: 34:01

Can we give it another word? Can powerlessness become surrender? Yes. Do you consider that to be the same thing? Because for me, in my mind, if you're struggling with literal interpretation, which most English-speaking people do, we struggle with words, right? So is it possible to change, or am I in fact controlling the interpretation right now, or is it okay if powerlessness I'm okay with as a woman because I understand the value, I understand exactly what you're saying. But surrendering, I also find to be a superpower, and surrender is sort of where all of that happens. Am I am I correct in that?

SPEAKER_38: 34:45

Yes, surrender is a beautiful word, but you don't even understand surrender or realize that you need it until you've tried to exert power over things you can't change. Got it. Right? So, in some ways, if we want to play with the the psyche of these words, we could actually start in reverse and say, What do you have power over? Can you write five things or tell me five things in your life right now that you have power over?

SPEAKER_69: 35:17

Are you really asking me? Yeah. Now I'm guessing because now I'm exploring this. Do I really am I really that powerful? I'm not that powerful. No. Um, I have power over how I spend my time in this season, in the space that I sit today, different than the younger me, where I did not have power over my time. So I have power to choose who I spend my time with. Um, and I take that very seriously. Um, I have power over how I show up every day. And I have power how I speak to my body. And I was gonna say I have power over my body, but because of my autoimmunes and cancer and different things, I know that sometimes there is something greater than I am that will come and get in my way for a minute. Um, I have power how I treat my body, how I speak to my body, how I meet my body, how I show up every day. And I do really believe that I control, I have power over my time, how I choose to spend it, and who I choose to share it with. And that's pretty much it in my whole big world. And every time I think I have power over all these other things, damn it, it disappoints me. And I get my ass handed to me, and I have to go back to the drawing board and remember what we're talking about and begin again and try it differently. And um, we're not that powerful, and I'm pretty much about us on most days, but I'm just not that powerful.

SPEAKER_38: 36:56

But I think how did I do? Owning owning what we do have power over is everything, it really crystallizes our energy expenditure and where we might have been discharging energy in people, places, and things that we actually can't control.

SPEAKER_69: 37:13

May I ask you the same thing? What what do you have power over?

SPEAKER_38: 37:21

Not my first thought. But my second. Also how I spend my time. One of my character traits is to take things personally that are literally never about me. And now that I know that, I have power over not taking something personally when it feels personal. I have power over how I care for my body, as you said. How I speak to myself, how I speak to my body, how I treat my children. Over whether or not I rest long enough to recognize what I actually need that day. I have power over making uh a nightly accountability list to really scan the quality of my day and my relationships and see where I might need to make an amendment, what my intentions are gonna be for the next day, so I can go in mindfully. I mean, the list is very long now of what I can control, and that's so seductive when you when you really focus on what you can change and you put your energy there. Life is way more manageable, and manageable doesn't even do it justice, it's way more fun.

SPEAKER_48: 38:45

I love that's amazing. Thank you.

SPEAKER_69: 38:51

That's powerful. That's gorgeous, right? Good job.

SPEAKER_70: 38:56

Are you happy? So happy.

SPEAKER_69: 38:58

Um even that that's good, Stu. Even that little bite of what we have power over is another great moment. And yours were beautiful. You're so smart and articulate, and it's so easy to take that information and apply it. That's super valid. Do one thing for me. I started to make us a smoothie and I didn't blend it, but I left it on the counter. Will you stick it in the refreezer? So it's yeah, because I'm gonna blend it. I just don't want to take water down. It's in the thing. Yeah, sure. Always. Oh my god, love it. Yes, we love it. It's in the blender, you'll see it. Just pop it in the freezer. The freezer on the right doesn't work. The freezer on the left works. Yeah, the one closest to me. Thank you, Rick. Um, yeah, great. Rick's just so creative to do that. I love it. All right, friend. Thanks for letting me vent. We're all, I thought Rick 100% was gonna say he's been journaling every day.

SPEAKER_65: 39:56

Like, why can't I journal? Why can't I do one fucking thing for 66 days straight?

SPEAKER_70: 40:02

Every person so far I've asked, and we're all like, nope.

SPEAKER_69: 40:05

I think we all need to show up and play a joke on them and lie at our because we have a recap on uh on April 30th, short where we all meet again. I did it every time. And I'll be like, of course you did, because we prepared for that. I did it every single day. Rick, I know you did it every day. Can we just see a show of hands right now? Did anybody fall off the wagon? 66 days we asked.

SPEAKER_31: 40:27

Can you imagine shame and guilt coming over? I mean, it's really hard.

SPEAKER_19: 40:33

It's I don't have the answer to this, but I have I have a an idea of what it is. Tell me journaling feels like work, a project uh an assignment is saying I need you to justify what you're doing today, so you need to spend an hour writing down what you did. And that becomes the issue is it's like another thing. Yes. So if there was a way to journal in a way that was somehow easier, ours is easy. Maybe it's not even writing it down, maybe it's just talking things.

SPEAKER_69: 41:05

Well, you know what's interesting is I'm doing it in my mind at night during my meditation.

SPEAKER_19: 41:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_69: 41:09

I am.

SPEAKER_19: 41:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_69: 41:10

I'm actually going through the four questions in my mind.

SPEAKER_19: 41:12

Turn on your phone, so then you do journal.

SPEAKER_38: 41:15

Oh, that's smart. You could do a voice memo. Yeah, you can do that. But I want us to be able to journal. I know. I know. Right? I know. No, it's so true, you guys.

SPEAKER_69: 41:23

I would have bet, I would have bet all my money that you did it every time. I know.

SPEAKER_19: 41:27

So I've been writing every minute, but it's been much more like songwriting type stuff and that works.

SPEAKER_69: 41:32

Look at his muscles right now. What's going on with this body again? Dude, I can't. Every day that I see you, you're getting in better shape. What's going on here?

SPEAKER_38: 41:47

No big deal coming from Brook Burke. Seriously.

SPEAKER_69: 41:50

You're gonna start having to put your shirt on now. Actually, I like the muscle shirt. Looks good. Yeah. What about our arms? Come on.

SPEAKER_70: 42:01

I mean, I'm like two days away from my period, so we're just we're keeping our jagged all done. Okay. So I'm gonna follow your lead on this one, okay?

SPEAKER_69: 42:11

And um set it up so you have the right intro, too. How however you're gonna use it, we'll grab bites, but we'll also use it probably in totality for who knows? We'll take.

SPEAKER_19: 42:19

Make sure you keep your body open a little bit, just like this.

SPEAKER_69: 42:24

We just want to face each other. Is this good? Um, so you can hear what we're saying. And we're rolling. Um I'll start it just so I have a little bite, which you may not use or whatever, and then if you wanna, because we could cut it up if you want to start it also in a certain way, or is it just gonna be moments? What's best for you?

SPEAKER_38: 42:45

You start it, and let's roll it back.

SPEAKER_69: 42:47

We'll just see what happens. Why would we act like we have a plan? Okay, that's our main camera. Okay. Now, why would we pretend like, oh, can we get that outline? Um, production, can we get the outline, please? Um, flying in and um set. Is there are we all good set design? Great. Just tell craft services to hold because this might take a while. No, we're not eating till we're fasting. Hold the food. No, no, no, hold the food. Are we ready? Um hi everybody. We're already giggling because that's what Dr. Samantha Hart and I do best. It's true. Enjoy is medicine. Laughter is medicine. Laughter is medicine, and so is vitamin D. It's my favorite time of year, it's springtime. So you might hear birds, but I'm just so happy to be out here in the sunshine, but mostly in this intimate space so that we can connect and share part of our journey and part of our knowledge. And every time you and I get together, there are nuggets, golden nuggets, just of wisdom and honesty, and truth, and life experience. And let's just give it to him. Let's just give him something to talk about.

SPEAKER_38: 44:05

Let's give him something to talk about. We might we might bust out into song and dance, and I will not be upset if that happens.

SPEAKER_64: 44:12

We might jump in the pool, but you know, we've done worse things.

SPEAKER_38: 44:14

No, this is actually a perfect segue into why we're here and what we're talking about. You know, my book is about taking the traditional 12 steps of recovery and bringing them to the world in a more modern and trauma-informed way. And step one in recovery, very literally, if we're talking about alcohol or drugs, is I'm powerless over, name the substance, and my life has become unmanageable.

SPEAKER_69: 44:44

And one could fill in the blanks by I am powerless over anything, be it substance or not, to apply this to every single human being that's struggling with something. Oh, yeah. Okay, okay. And we're gonna get into that.

SPEAKER_38: 44:58

We're gonna play that game with you, actually. And the reason why this step being the first step is really brilliant, is because if you extract the spiritual message in it, it's really about acceptance. I remember the first time in recovery, this woman who had so many years sober was like, acceptance doesn't mean you have to like it. Because I always understood if I'm gonna accept something that I really thought I had power and control over, and I realize I don't, then that just means I'm putting my tail between my legs. It was like a defeatist mentality. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_16: 45:35

It's interesting.

SPEAKER_38: 45:36

And so this idea of what it means to spiritually surrender and accept what is. There is not a human being on earth that isn't going to need to develop that skill.

SPEAKER_69: 45:47

You know, we talk about that a lot, differentiating between the story in your mind and actually what is. But one of the things that comes up for me in my narrative and guiding classes is the strongest people, the strongest people know when to surrender. Yep. They know how to surrender. You take an athlete, for example, the most trained athletes know when to rest and recover and when to take that break and when to listen to their body. So I am all about surrender. I think that's an invaluable lesson for people that don't understand that that's not giving up, that's not tail between the legs.

SPEAKER_38: 46:21

And if you want to double down on this, if you have complex trauma in your history, and one of the skills you learn to survive in the world and to function and to be loved and revered is to control the world around you. Oof. We can hear this all day long and even intellectually understand it, Billy.

SPEAKER_66: 46:46

And Billy always makes an appearance. You gotta sit down, love.

SPEAKER_69: 46:49

Sit down unless you're listening. Sam's got some really good things to tell us.

SPEAKER_61: 46:53

What do you know about what do you know about surrender?

SPEAKER_69: 46:56

She does not, and that's part of your problem.

SPEAKER_61: 46:59

They do.

SPEAKER_53: 47:01

Part of your problem. Oh girl. Everybody's welcome.

SPEAKER_38: 47:07

But when I think about the early years in recovery, yes, I was able to see powerlessness over cocaine, for example, because it almost killed me. Even that took a while. Yes, it did. But over people, places, things, and situations, absolutely not. That took five more years. Why? Because I grew up in a house that was so unstable that I got really good at controlling the world around me, my grades, my body, the degree I was getting, the job that I had. And so when I was being told to consider powerlessness outside of just drugs and alcohol, I was like, no, thank you. In fact, you're threatening my entire identity that I formed as a young girl that kept me not just safe, but loved and in close proximity to my caregivers, right? So unwinding these deeply conditioned beliefs, unfortunately, in my case, has required a series of bottoms that are so severe. And I'm just one of the lucky ones that didn't die.

SPEAKER_69: 48:08

Well, tell me about the series of bottoms, because I know what many of them, many of them are, but you say that in a way that, and I know you well enough to know that those series of bottoms were your challenges with the learning lessons that allowed you to evolve. So really important for people listening to know that those low moments in life, the peaks and valleys, all of the things that we all practice, right? That we have a deeper understanding as older women, um, those series of bottoms are the ones that really allow us the challenge of growing and evolving, right?

SPEAKER_38: 48:41

Yep, yeah. I know I it's funny that my book is called Breaking the Circuit, because it never really occurred to me that pain is a circuit breaker. But but what I mean by that on a science level is that unfortunately, unfortunately, pain is often the thing that makes the feedback loop of whatever pattern you're stuck in that really worked for you and now is hurting you, that makes it break. It interrupts the circuitry, literally in your brain. And then there's this window of opportunity for change. And for me, I didn't learn the lesson of powerlessness over people, places, things, and situations until I was face down in a marital crisis.

SPEAKER_15: 49:22

Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_38: 49:23

Saying and doing everything I possibly could to make this man forgive me and love me again. So when I think about the average person, when I think about the people I coach who are not addicts, often what we're sifting through with this first step is list some things you're powerless over. People have a really hard time.

SPEAKER_69: 49:43

Like, can you give us just some gender? They don't have to be your personal ones, but for people listening, what are some examples of common things, everyday things that one could be powerless over? The weather, the traffic. Oh, like literal, okay.

SPEAKER_70: 49:58

Anything let's get more. Okay, the time that it's going to take you to get from A to B in LA traffic.

SPEAKER_69: 50:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_70: 50:06

Let's get literal and let's get more granular.

SPEAKER_69: 50:11

Your children's mood. I was just, you just read my mind. Completely powerless over that. So let's just surrender to that as women and mothers right now. Something we cannot control. And if you think you can, you're really walking down a road that is not going to serve you of deep disappointment. Okay.

SPEAKER_38: 50:32

When I drop my children at school, much as I've done as best a job as I can to set them up for success and safety, I'm powerless over what happens to them in that school. Is someone gonna walk on campus and shoot the kids down? Truly, I'm serious.

SPEAKER_69: 50:52

But I but I I do know what you're saying. The the reality that in raising children, who they are supposed to be, not who we want them to be, there comes a point in time where you have to surrender and understand that you are powerless in the journey beyond, you know, uh uh the infant years, right? Yeah. When it's really our job to guide them, feed them, tell them what to do. We do we're kind of doing everything at that stage.

SPEAKER_38: 51:16

We're powerless over we're working on something for our job, our professional life, and then we go out and we present it to a boss, to a friend, to an agent, to somebody who we really care about their opinion. We have no control over what they think of what we did, whether we're gonna get picked for the job, whether they like us at all, whether they'll ever respond to us at all. Think about how much emotional real estate this stuff takes up in our head that we actually don't have any control over.

SPEAKER_69: 51:50

Do you think there's freedom in surrendering to that, accepting that, being your best self, doing the best you can, knowing that that's good enough, really owning the fact that your best is good enough, surrendering to that and then just sort of letting it be. I mean, that seems that makes sense to me cerebrally. It's a big lesson for people. If you are showing up completely and giving your all to the best of your ability, that seems like a really good space to own that that's good enough. And then to just let it. We are powerless, you're right. It's like partnering up with uncertainty. Exactly.

SPEAKER_68: 52:32

Exactly. That's freedom for me.

SPEAKER_38: 52:34

Yes, not easy.

SPEAKER_68: 52:35

The very, very, very difficult life for me.

SPEAKER_38: 52:37

Now it's freedom for me, but again, uncertainty felt like death. Uncertainty literally was a spiritual type of death. Death, totally spiritual death, yes. Just anxiety. So when we think about powerlessness in the way we're talking about it, in these more practical ways, right? The next part of this step is, and my life has become unmanageable. So, what does that mean to a mother who's juggling work and children, right? If I'm powerless over whether my kids are gonna get to school on time, whether they're gonna learn anything today, whether something good or bad's gonna happen, if somebody's gonna bully them, whether I'm gonna be able to finish the 18 things on my to-do list, whether I'm gonna be able to meditate and actually fill my cup and put my oxygen mask on. First, if I'm powerless over those things, but I'm trying to double down on fixing and changing them and manipulating it so that I can make a difference. My life is gonna become unmanageable for sure. Well, I'm gonna feel stressed, I'm gonna be anxious, I'm probably gonna be edgy, I'm not gonna be tapping to my intuition, I'm not gonna be my best and highest self. So that's the landscape through which we look at unmanageability. How does forgetting that we actually don't have power over these things really affect us? Really affect us and our body and our spirit and our psyche. Now, here's where the the work comes in. On one quick second.

SPEAKER_69: 54:01

Rick, will you close that door just so we don't hear that vacuum? There's also umbrellas, Rick, because I know you're hiding from the sun. Do you need an umbrella, Stuart? Are you sure? Okay, and there are umbrellas, Rick, whenever you want to grab one, okay? Because I know it's a lot of sun. I think they're right on the side of the house right there. No, oh, is that where we're hearing it? Is that are you hearing that noise, Stuart? Is that bothering you? The vacuum? Okay.

unknown: 54:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_69: 54:26

I think those are okay. I thought she was in there. She's gonna be done in a minute. Oh I know. Let me just peek really quick because I see him roasting. Hold on. Let me just look really fast for an umbrella right here. I love you, sweetheart. Rick, there is. Where are our umbrellas? There's an umbrella, two umbrellas right there. And you literally could stick it in this pole by the couches and use it. Yeah. Right? Keep going past those heaters. They're right up against the wall, left, right here. They're right at the edge of the house. Yeah, you'll see them. I know I just I see him roasting in the sun. Okay, sorry. Um, this is really good stuff. I know. Really good stuff. Mm-hmm. Okay.

SPEAKER_19: 55:09

Should we start recording?

SPEAKER_69: 55:10

Yeah, I think so. And we're ready. Thanks, Rick. Yeah, as you wish. And if you want, you can stick it in that hole, probably. That's what she said, sorry. Exactly.

SPEAKER_10: 55:22

I can't say that I've said that. At least not that way.

SPEAKER_69: 55:28

And we have a blooper, yeah. Okay. So um, this is actually really interesting because the awareness, just to kind of you know, paraphrase it, the awareness of the power of surrender. The power of being powerless. I mean, and how much it affects us when we're trying to control anything that's just setting us up for um for frustration, for disappointment. And it's a big difference between just phoning it in and just blowing it into the wind and being like, ah, I did what I can do. And really trying to control it and manipulate it. So I I mean that wholeheartedly and very seriously. When you show up as your all of you, completely your best self, the best version of you, and you give your all, it's gotta be good enough, or you're fucked.

SPEAKER_38: 56:16

You're fucked, right? That's right. And also, if we just look at the science part of this, if you're in a perpetual state of putting out fires and trying to double down on the world around you and the people in it, and changing their mind, changing their behavior, which you cannot. Which you cannot. You are essentially in a state of fight or flight, right? You're you are on autopilot, auto-drive, hypervigilance, which is flooding your system with adrenaline and cortisol. There are studies after studies about how this inflames the body. For sure. And no surprise that women are the majority of the people who suffer from autoimmune disease.

SPEAKER_69: 57:00

Do you think that that is because women? This is interesting because my first question for you was gonna be do you feel like women put more pressure on themselves? But I would I would assume men, because generally speaking, through history, you know, they're hunters and gatherers and they have the greater responsibility. I don't believe that to be true anymore, so calm down, ladies. But do you think it's because we don't know how to surrender? We don't understand the what's good enough, we don't know how to not multitask, we don't know um the power of no.

SPEAKER_70: 57:35

I mean, what what's the reason for that? In your opinion? It's so multifactorial and it's so dependent on the person.

SPEAKER_38: 57:42

But I would say that women carry an invisible emotional load, especially in the modern world.

SPEAKER_69: 57:50

An invisible emotional load.

SPEAKER_38: 57:54

In the modern world, we are working and producing almost as much as, if not more than, our husbands financially. And we're gonna caretaking, right?

SPEAKER_69: 58:06

Thank you, girlfriend Samantha. Now I know why I've been so cranky. I'm just gonna put it out there for everybody because after a long work and a production day, I, my own choice, decided to go to the market to come home, unload groceries, make dinner, not one, but three different dishes, because I have so many people in my household and set the table and light candles and set the scene after a long work day. Why? Because I thought everybody would love to come home for a family dinner, because I needed family connection, because I needed that moment, because I needed that time in the kitchen, because I needed to serve my family because I was dealing with the work-life balance of being at work all day long. Guess who sat down at the dinner to enjoy this candlelit, beautifully prepared meal?

SPEAKER_23: 58:54

Me.

SPEAKER_69: 58:55

Because everybody else had other things going on, which was fine for them. Did I check in with every single person? One had a tutor, one was training, Scott was stuck in the LA traffic. Rain and I, it just was like, and I was so grumpy and crabby and sad and irritated and frustrated that I actually confessed to my entire family that that was the last family dinner I ever had.

SPEAKER_50: 59:23

And I know you feel me.

SPEAKER_69: 59:25

And I just had to fess up because sometimes we sit down for these interviews as if we've got it all figured out and that we've got it all handled. Let me promise everybody that's watching, watching, these are nuggets of wisdom, and it is so hard to walk the talk.

SPEAKER_62: 59:39

And I so know better. And I will cook dinner again, everybody.

SPEAKER_35: 59:44

But not for a long time. Wait, wait, no, this is perfect. We are gonna real time troubleshoot this bros. Help me.

SPEAKER_05: 59:51

Please help me. I'm struggling this week.

SPEAKER_38: 59:54

Let's take the dinner example. Let's get really specific.

SPEAKER_05: 59:57

Okay.

SPEAKER_38: 59:58

You're gonna answer this. Yes. I am. I am powerless over.

SPEAKER_69: 1:00:03

I am powerless over my children's schedules, my children's wishes. More? What else you got?

SPEAKER_38: 1:00:13

I am powerless over your unconscious expectation that everybody would be so thrilled and show up and all your hard work would be acknowledged.

SPEAKER_70: 1:00:24

Yeah, and I am conscious.

SPEAKER_69: 1:00:25

I am I am powerless over the story that I just wrote and the scene that I just set that all of my players are actually gonna show up and perform for me. Because they're not. They didn't even read the freaking script that night because they didn't even know that act two was on. Damn it.

SPEAKER_65: 1:00:47

Sam? Why didn't I call you that morning?

SPEAKER_38: 1:00:50

I mean, you'll know better next time.

SPEAKER_69: 1:00:53

So I'm kidding. I I I make light of it because these are formulas, right? And nuggets of wisdom and opportunities to really okay, let really understand. Okay, let me ask you this. What could I have done differently?

SPEAKER_37: 1:01:07

Wait, oh, we're gonna work. Okay, we're gonna work out this one. We just listed the problem. We can't stop at the problem, by the way. We need to get into the solution. This is supposed to be your interview about it. No, I this is this is the interview.

SPEAKER_57: 1:01:20

Okay. If that is true. Therapy 101 with Dr. Samantha.

SPEAKER_38: 1:01:25

If that is true, if you were powerless over some of those things you just mentioned, how did trying to exert power over them make you unmanage, make your life unmanageable, make your emotional state unmanageable?

SPEAKER_69: 1:01:35

It's human nature for me. I should know better. It's habitual for me. Um, it's one of the things that I do, and I didn't really look at the whole picture. I didn't really walk my myself through it. I I think I I think it's just my norm, and it was really about me. It wasn't about them.

SPEAKER_33: 1:01:53

How does that make you feel when it didn't go the way you wanted?

SPEAKER_69: 1:01:56

I was really disappointed, frustrated, resentful, pissed off, irritated. Now we're talking. Yes, grumpy. My horns started coming out. They did. Yes. Yes.

SPEAKER_70: 1:02:10

Um, I was pissed off.

SPEAKER_38: 1:02:12

Okay. Now, here's the best part of the work. We're gonna look, we're gonna take that same scenario because we know it's gonna come up again. You're a mother, and you have a big blended family. This is not the first and only time. So we're gonna project into the future. What do you have power over? Next time you imagine me being telling me more.

SPEAKER_69: 1:02:37

I have power over me. I have power with the choices that I make, I have power how I spend my time with me and only me. I have power over my desires and my wishes and and who and how I spend it and the choices that I make, and I have power to communicate in a different way. I mean, I sure could have picked up the phone and been like, hey everybody, I've had a really long day, but I thought I'd go to the market and make dinner. Are you guys into that? Can anybody make?

SPEAKER_65: 1:03:05

At a minimum, hold on. At a minimum. Is anyone free for dinner tonight? Brilliant. How did I miss that? How did I miss that? How did I miss that, Sam?

SPEAKER_04: 1:03:16

Because you're going on the floor.

SPEAKER_65: 1:03:18

I have a 25-year-old child. I've been down this road before.

SPEAKER_69: 1:03:23

Hey, does anybody want to have a family dinner tonight? Oh, you're training. Oh, good, that's great. I'm super proud of you. Oh, you have a tutor tonight? That's right. I forgot. Oh my gosh, you're gonna eat early because your fasting window is different. Oh, that's cool. Oh, you're right. LA traffic, you probably won't make it. Okay, I'm gonna make some stuff and I'll just leave it on the stove and everybody can serve themselves. And I'll just romance myself at a candle butter, which I would have been fine with anyway, by the way. I'm really good at romancing myself. Billy came to the dinner.

SPEAKER_38: 1:03:49

She wants to be part of dinner next time. Just you and Billy, party of two.

SPEAKER_03: 1:03:54

Party of two. Do you see? Party of one.

SPEAKER_38: 1:03:56

Do you see? Do you see how amazing, though, the an application of this step?

SPEAKER_69: 1:04:00

I'm so glad that you got to use me as an example for this because you know that I'm so glad this worked out that way because that was what I was hoping. I have no shame and I'm super vulnerable. And and and the reality of this, to humanize it, is I know better. And it's so easy to just drop into the grind and to lose sight of what really matters and our beautiful ability to communicate efficiently, to create boundaries, to take responsibility for ourselves and not, and I think that's where you're going with this. I'm powerless over all of the other choices. I mean, I can demand a family dinner, I'm mom. If I say this is mandatory, you better show up, or or or we don't know what. But I but I they're also I have to meet my children with respect and freedom also in in in um the life responsibilities that they're faced with on the daily. And so my beautiful idea of being spontaneous, which turned into resentment and disappointment, that's all on me. I am fully responsible for that mess, that choice, that effort, and my own reaction.

SPEAKER_38: 1:05:17

But you seriously, no, but but you bring up a really good point because you know, we think of like meditation and stopping, I think when we're so busy, this beautiful modern superwoman that we're describing. We think of it as a real block in our progress. We're just like, let's go, let's go. We've got all this shit to do. But literally, we don't have access. You said, How can I forget that? How can I forget? I know, I know, you know, but you cannot remember if there isn't even one to three minutes of space between the doing and the being.

SPEAKER_69: 1:06:04

You have one to two minutes of space between the doing and the being. So break it down. What does that look like for people? Okay. What is space, creating space, stealing time? And we just came back from Costa Rica doing a whole program on this, so we know, but we so easily forget, right? We're all human. What does that look like, Sam?

SPEAKER_38: 1:06:26

Tell me literally what you were doing before you went and were like, I'm getting this and this from the store because I'm gonna make this and before you what were you physically having to do yesterday in your day? And then I'm gonna tell you literally.

SPEAKER_69: 1:06:46

I had to get up in the morning, teach a class, get in the car, drive for an hour and a half to go do a podcast in the middle of Beverly Hills, rushing to do that. Then I had to go see my girlfriend who just had a surgery because I wanted to go make sure that she was okay because she needed a couple of things, so I drove all the way over there. Then I had to get back into the car to make it back home, and I wanted to make it to the grocery store so I could buy all this fresh food to come home to prepare this dinner and have everything set peacefully and beautifully for my family to show up. To my family. It gets better and better.

SPEAKER_71: 1:07:22

Spontaneous family dinner should be taken out of the equation.

SPEAKER_37: 1:07:27

You're realizing the insanity of that statement. I love that. Okay. So I I mean, probably just by- just go ahead and check. Just go ahead. Give it to me.

SPEAKER_38: 1:07:36

Give it to me, and I can take it. No, no, no, but this is this is such an honest snapshot of what it is to be a busy working mother. You had there's a couple things. You had time in the car, lots of time in the car. This is not maybe the ideal way, but if it's all we've got, okay, roll the window down, shut the music off, put your phone on silent, and just go, hey Brooke, how are you right now?

SPEAKER_61: 1:08:08

How are you? That's the being before the doing. That's the space. That's the space.

SPEAKER_38: 1:08:14

Now, if you don't want to do it while you're driving, you drove two places to go see people, to serve people. You kept emptying the well until it was dry.

SPEAKER_31: 1:08:24

You just keep doing it. So they just keep coming for a museum. So here's the so here's the thing.

SPEAKER_38: 1:08:30

Listen, none of those people would be angrier or worse off if when you arrived at the destination to see and serve them, you parked your car, you set a timer for one minute, one minute, and you just know, but you're right.

SPEAKER_69: 1:08:53

These are such amazing, simple practices that you're sharing with people. When I arrived in Beverly Hills to see my friend Kelly Gores, who you know, to do her podcast, I love and respect her. Drove from Malibu in the middle of what we're going through because it was meaningful, because you know I keep my word, was super happy to do it. It was the first time I have to share this with you. It was the first time that I've sat down to do an interview, and she's a phenomenal host on it. The scene was set, we're ready to begin the podcast, and she did exactly what you just did. It is the first time in my career that I have seen a house, and she's she went on exactly like this. And she goes, I just need a minute. And I was like, just preach it, Kelly. And I said to her, she took her minute, and I said, You know, Kelly, I'm just admiring you. I'm celebrating you right now because you wait for that. Because this is a really beautiful moment. This is really, really powerful. And she really did that, Stuart. I've never in my entire career had somebody actually pause, take a breath, and get connected. And I was like, You are a queen. Tell me when we're good. So she sat just like this, just like you just did, and I'm gonna do it again because I want everybody watching to have this visual and how quickly you can serve yourself. And she said to me, I just need a minute. And I was like, Oh, I'm taking that minute. And I actually joined her. Took a big breath, maybe a whole minute, got really centered, and then we began. And I said, God, Callie, I just I'm admiring you and celebrating you because people don't do that. This is the first time I've seen a host do that. I do that before I walk onto a live stage because I need to get grounded, I need to get connected here, like in my lower belly. I need to take a moment to just check in with me so I can go perform. But I didn't check in with me before I came home to serve my family, which really I was serving myself, and that's what I was doing for me to serve them. That's a whole nother podcast. But um yes, I really do believe in the value and the power of the pause. I believe that breath is medicine. We started this talk out joy is medicine, laughter is medicine, breath is medicine, space is medicine. Thank you for that. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. Brilliant.

unknown: 1:11:21

Boom.

SPEAKER_31: 1:11:24

Okay, so look, that's a really good output.

SPEAKER_69: 1:11:26

Reset in your mind because that's a whole great nugget of that. Is there one more moment thought? I mean, I that's like so good for you. You just had a real-time therapy session unplanned. Amazing, right, Stuart? I mean, that was probably 20 minutes more.

unknown: 1:11:43

2030.

SPEAKER_69: 1:11:44

2030, which is a lot, a lot, but that was really good. Yeah, there's I mean, there's nothing. And that's you know, space, breath, accountability, surrender, not accountability, we didn't get there, surrender, brilliant, acceptance, agency. So can you sum that up? It just can we just like go back just so we know, sum that up in like a couple minutes and string it all together because from your, and just in my producer mind, sorry, but from that narrative, yeah, in your VO, you may grab bits and pieces of this. Yep. So just sum that whole thing up. I think that's gonna be super valuable, don't you think, Stuart?

SPEAKER_42: 1:12:19

It'll be great.

SPEAKER_69: 1:12:22

Really good. Fucking, I forgot. And by the way, I told him I'm never make a family dinner again. No, tonight was gonna I go, fuck, I'm not, we're going out to eat. And Scott's like, I'm gonna take it every man. I'm like, let me fucking go. And I'm cut. I mean, it's like I'm that, I mean, I'm that cranky right now. Do you think? And I know you're recording this, that's private.

SPEAKER_32: 1:12:38

But do you feel more clear about why? Now I do, thank you.

SPEAKER_69: 1:12:44

Okay. Um, okay, so all for you because I want you to have this narrative to put in put in bits and pieces or not, or this may live alone.

SPEAKER_56: 1:12:52

Just talk to the camera? I don't think so.

SPEAKER_69: 1:12:54

I don't think to the camera. Um, yeah, I think this is so important. Okay, I I can do it. I gotta do it. I know you can. Are you ready? So what just happened?

SPEAKER_38: 1:13:07

I've been asked to speak in in and out of 12-step meetings for many, many years, and I often will get up to the podium and say, my drug of choice is control. And I can say addicted to that long after I've put the drugs and alcohol down. And it will create a slow spiritual death. How do I know? Because it's happened to me and it's happened to so many people that I love. So we might look at this idea of powerlessness. A lot of mindset people hear that word and go, ugh, I don't want to focus on what I'm powerless over.

SPEAKER_69: 1:13:49

I don't think anybody likes the thought of being of powerlessness. It just has a negative connotation to it. Yep.

SPEAKER_38: 1:13:57

So it's really about understanding life on life's terms. People, places, and things, behaviors, actions of others that much as we would like to have influence over, we often cannot.

SPEAKER_69: 1:14:14

So that understanding life on life's terms is that's really powerful.

SPEAKER_38: 1:14:23

Why does that but why does that matter? You know, we we don't like the word powerlessness. We don't like the feeling of being out of control, and yet most things are. We literally don't know if the power is gonna go on or off. We don't know if we're gonna hit a traffic jam, we don't know if our children are going to be safe out in the world, we don't know if we're gonna get fired from our job. We literally have so little control. And the idea of recognizing that and understanding the level of unmanageability it gives to our nervous system, our body, our spirit, our mind, is so that we can really expand our consciousness on what we can control and what we can change.

SPEAKER_69: 1:15:03

Can we give it another word? Can powerlessness become surrender? Yes. Do you consider that to be the same thing? Because for me, in my mind, if you're struggling with literal interpretation, which most English-speaking people do, we struggle with words, right? So is it possible to change, or am I in fact controlling the interpretation right now, or is it okay if powerlessness I'm okay with as a woman because I understand the value, I understand exactly what you're saying. But surrendering I also find to be a superpower, and surrender is sort of where all of that happens. Am I am I correct in that?

SPEAKER_38: 1:15:47

Yes, surrender is a beautiful word, but you don't even understand surrender or realize that you need it until you've tried to exert power over things you can't change. Got it, right? So, in some ways, if we want to play with the the psyche of these words, we could actually start in reverse and say, What do you have power over? Can you write five things or tell me five things in your life right now that you have power over?

SPEAKER_69: 1:16:19

Are you really asking me? Now I'm guessing because now I'm exploring this. Do I really am I really that powerful? I'm not that powerful. No. Um, I have power over how I spend my time in this season, in the space that I sit today, different than the younger me, where I did not have power over my time. So I have power to choose who I spend my time with. Um, and I take that very seriously. Um, I have power over how I show up every day. And I have power how I speak to my body. And I was gonna say I have power over my body, but because of my autoimmunes and cancer and different things, I know that sometimes there is something greater than I am that will come and get in my way for a minute. Um I have power how I treat my body, how I speak to my body, how I meet my body, how I show up every day. And I do really believe that I control, I have power over my time, how I choose to spend it and who I choose to share it with. And that's pretty much it in my whole big world. And every time I think I have power over all these other things, damn it, it disappoints me. And I get my ass handed to me, and I have to go back to the drawing board and remember what we're talking about and begin again and try it differently. And um we're not that powerful, and I'm pretty much about us on most days, but I'm just not that powerful.

SPEAKER_38: 1:17:57

But I think how did I do owning owning what we do have power over is everything, it really crystallizes our energy expenditure and where we might have been discharging energy in people, places, and things that we actually can't control.

SPEAKER_69: 1:18:14

May I ask you the same thing? What what do you have power over?

SPEAKER_38: 1:18:23

Not my first thought, but my second. My third. Also how I spend my time. One of my character traits is to take things personally that are literally never about me. And now that I know that, I have power over not taking something personally when it feels personal. I have power over how I care for my body, as you said, how I speak to myself, how I speak to my body, how I treat my children, over whether or not I rest long enough to recognize what I actually need that day. I have power over making uh a nightly accountability list to really scan the quality of my day and my relationships and see where I might need to make an amends, what my intentions are gonna be for the next day so I can go in mindfully. I mean, the list is very long now of what I can control, and that's so seductive when you when you really focus on what you can change and you put your energy there. Yeah, life is way more manageable, and manageable doesn't even do it justice, it's way more fun.

SPEAKER_48: 1:19:46

I love that that's amazing. Thank you.