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INTRO
In the previous episode I offered a simple lesson I learned from nature.
And that is: Seeds Grow.
They grow in soil,
and they grow in the mind.
No matter where seeds grow, they form complex networks.
We call them roots. And it’s those roots I’d like to talk about today.
You see, roots are tricky.
When you dig them up, you never know where you’ll end up.
Sometimes I discover an entirely different root system than the one I began with
Other times, I get stuck and can’t move forward.
But in the end, roots always lead to the truth.
Roots never lie.
This is why I’m sharing three of my roots today.
Roots which were unhealthy and caused problems in my life
The first is a shallow root.
The second a mid-depth root.
And the third is what I call a deeper-than-sky root.
Before we dig into roots, I’m going to quickly review the last episode.
First, every impulse is a seed.
Which means, we need to pay attention to the environments we expose ourselves to.
Second, seeds grow if you give them attention, emotion, and repetition.
Which means, we need to be aware of our thoughts, and where we place our attention.
Third, the mind can adapt, change, grow, and die.
Which means, we are the gardeners of our minds, and our lives.
These three sum up the previous episode so if they don’t make sense, please listen to that episode and then return here.
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Now, for roots!
When I decide to dig for a root I start by letting go of the outcome.
I have no idea what I’ll find, where I’m going, and when I’ll actually reach the end.
It’s important that I’m curious with every step, and patient.
I've learned that Baby steps mature into marathons.
Baby steps mature into marathons.
I thought-up this affirmation for myself when my life felt like a marathon, and my steps were too tiny to see.
I mention this because I want you to remember that every effort you make on your own behalf,
for your well-being and health, matters, every step equals big change.
No effort is wasted.
And besides, baby steps are essential when digging roots
because the root of my problem reveals my oldest fears, …pains, and traumas.
Some of them are so ancient they are no longer wood, they are petrified.
And I’m petrified of them.
So I dig slow…I take my time.
I explore the wisdom of each root because old fears, pains, and traumas need to be integrated and composted.
This requires slow, thoughtful digging.
I dig a little and then pause.
I tap the root,
I listen.
I hear echoes, whispers, sometimes wisdom, or guidance.
I dig a little.
I tap the root again.
I feel,
I feel the emotions I fear.
I breathe.
I dig a little.
I tap again.
I ask questions.
What can I learn from this root?
What emotion is associated with this root?
How can I transform, compost, or dissolve this ancient, rooted story?
And one question I always love,
one which Byron Katie so cleverly asks:
Who am I without this story, without this root?
Who am I without this story, without this root?
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What I’m describing here is part science and part spirituality.
The science is called neuroplasticity, and epigenetics.
The spirituality is called integrating, and healing.
I’ve found that bridging these two, science and spirit, is the keystone of my healing journey.
The keystone:
the center stone in an Arch Bridge - the one which allows it to bear weight.
This is where my deepest healing occurs...at the keystone.
The place where I embrace the logical, rational universe,
and the mystical, mysterious universe.
Anytime I dig up a root, I’m delving into the unknown.
So I invite the mystical & mysterious: my ancestors, plus the unseen forces surrounding me.
I also invite the logical & rational.
This is the keystone on my bridge connecting Science with Spirituality.
This is how I learned to live beyond my physical birthright…
and into a life aligned with my SPIRITUAL birthright.
And yet, everytime I dig roots, I feel lonely.
Like part of me is isolated from life.
This loneliness is a shadow, one I recall for as long as I remember.
I believe it belongs to a time before my time.
A trauma from my ancestors….but who really knows where trauma begins?
What I do know is that trauma can end with me.
Here and now.
This is where all trauma ends.
Here and now.
By digging up old roots, and facing the truth.
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Here’s my first root.
The first root is shallow.
A shallow root is easy to dig, easy to understand, and easy to uproot.
Here’s an example of a shallow root.
It began at the local swimming pool when someone was rude to me about the way I was swimming in the lane. They yelled at me to get out of the pool because I was in their way and doing it wrong.
When they yelled at me, my whole body shook and I was terrified something bad was going to happen.
But I stayed.
This was a big moment for me. I didn’t run away.
I stayed.
I decided that if I was truly doing something wrong the lifeguards would tell me.
So, I continued shaking, and kept swimming.
It was hard to focus on my swimming because I was so sure something bad was about to happen.
Nothing happened.
Except, that person kept up their tirade every time they saw me swimming.
And… my continued shaking, and… my fear that I would get in trouble.
After a few days of this I decided to follow the root of fear.
It led me to a double-pronged belief.
The first was that I wasn’t worthy – worthy enough to do my thing, take up space, “be in someone’s way”.
The second was that if I get in some’s way - I am in big trouble.
I was initially sad when I discovered this double-pronged belief - living inside me.
I knew intellectually it was a lie but my body told me different story.
My body had been programmed to believe this root.
I wasn’t sure how to help myself so I decided to practice believing and living my worth.
So, each day, before I went swimming, I told myself I had a right to swim, to take up space, and not get in trouble for it.
At first, I didn’t believe anything I told myself. I faked it for weeks, with my body shaking every time I saw the person.
And then, after a few weeks of practice, my body quit shaking,
and I started to believe what I told myself.
I had every right to swim, to take up space, and not get in trouble for it.
The irony is that about this same time, out of the clear blue, the person walked up to me.
I was unsure of their motive so I froze, preparing for another tirade, but they spoke slowly, and said,
“We got off on the wrong foot.
I’m sorry.
I shouldn’t have said what I did.
Can we start over?”
I stared numbly as they continued.
“I was having a bad day.
I work with trauma survivors and heard some hard stories that day.
I just needed a good swim and you were in my way.”
That was it.
They had a bad day. Bad enough to irritate them into an extended weeks-long tirade.
It also triggered my belief of worth, for weeks..
Isn’t it amazing? In hindsight?
One person had a bad day. They behaved poorly.
And then both of us played it out for weeks!
When I saw this, I realized how essential my emotional maturity is.
I didn’t need the other person to apologize for me to stop playing the role of victim.
I didn't need to drag it out in my head, and my heart.
But I did.
Every time I saw them, I watered a seed of negativity in my head.
I wasn’t conscious of this at first, but then I began to feel as negative as the other person behaved.
And I knew I was responsible for that negativity.
Let me show you what I mean.
Here’s an experiment.
You can pause if you need to stop what you're doing, and then resume.
In this experiment, we’re going to use our awareness.
Be aware that you are aware.
Now, direct your awareness to a memory. Choose a memory which is joyful.
Joyful, loving, fulfilling.
Be aware of this joyful memory.
Now, let’s play.
Play with your joyful memory.
Can you move closer to your memory? Can you go inside?
Can you move far away?
Can you view your memory from different angles?
How does your body feel while you are aware of this joyful, loving, memory?
…
Now.
Release this memory.
Let’s begin again…
Be aware that you are aware. Direct your awareness to a memory.
Choose a memory which is troubling.
Troubling, negative, painful.
Be aware of your troubling memory.
Now, let’s play. Play with your troubling memory.
Can you move closer to your memory? Can you go inside?
Can you move far away?
Can you view your memory from different angles?
How does your body feel while you are aware of this troubling, negative, memory?
…
Now.
Release this memory.
…
Do thoughts affect how you feel?
Do thoughts affect your body?
For me, a joyful thought feels joyful in my body.
While a troubling thought feels troubling.
Which means, my negative thoughts about the other person, felt negative.
Why does this happen?
This happens because every thought has energy, and energy has mass.
I speak about this in my podcast concerning Einstein's equation, E=mC2,
Check that out if you want to deepen your understanding of how thoughts create and affect matter.
I want to point this out because a negative thought never grows joy.
Which is a blessing. And it’s why we tend our minds. Our thoughts. Our lives.
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After all was said and done, I did integrate this old root, this belief of worth.
And I utilized both science and spirit.
The science side has two components: Affirmations, and Awareness.
The first, affirmations – “I have a right to be here. I have a right to take up space. I am worthy. I value myself.” – These began to rewire my brain. They slowly connected the old belief to wholeness and belonging.
The second, awareness - I allowed myself to feel my body, to be aware of, and present with, the fear, the shaking, the uncertainty.
This also rewired my brain – telling me that it’s ok to feel the fear and shaking. Nothing bad is going to happen..
The spiritual aspect of my healing came from the time I spent digging.
Time with my internal world, connecting to my deep knowing,
knowing that I truly have worth. Regardless of what I do or do not do.
I am worthy.
All of this took the time it took.
Which is how much time it always takes.
Healing, integrating, rewiring, it takes the time it takes…
so don’t get caught in the trap of how long something should take.
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My second root is mid-depth.
A mid-depth root is painful to dig, a challenge to face, and too deep to uproot.
The mid-depth root I speak of began when I was quite young.
It began when I overheard comments by boys & men,
and I listened to girls whispering,
and I leaned in to hear women compare.
This is how I learned,
no, how I knew,
that men LOVE women with fabulous breasts.
I was young when I planted this seed, this belief.
I didn’t understand that this seed wasn’t mine.
I didn’t understand that I had a choice to believe it.
I thought if everyone else said it, it must be true.
So I planted this seed, and I watered this seed, over and over.
I watered this seed with worry – fear, grief, envy, and eventually, self-loathing.
As I matured, I watched my breasts for signs of love, but they didn’t grow into the fabulous shape I was told equalled LOVE.
I was deeply concerned so I watered the seed I planted every day.
I watered my seed with worry, fear, grief, envy, self-loathing –
and the seed did exactly as I instructed.
It grew a deep root of worry, fear, grief, envy, self-loathing.
If you recall, the mind needs three main things in order to change.
They are attention, emotion, and repetition.
These are the trifecta of neuroplasticity, of change,
but change can be healthy, or unhealthy.
In this case, it was unhealthy.
And it grew an unhealthy root.
Perhaps this sounds trivial, but this root was a very real problem for me for it shackled my attempts at LOVE –
love beyond physical appearance.
And my problem only magnified after I gave birth to my beautiful children.
After pregnancy and breastfeeding,
my motherhood breasts didn’t fit ANY shape society told me was love.
I was so conflicted and desperate to be loved that I inserted silicone into my chest – which got me loads of attention, but not Love.
So I removed them…leaving me with what I had buried,
the belief that fabulous breasts are necessary for love.
This is when the digging began,
and it took a few years for me to reach the end.
I employed many modalities of healing along the way but there is one which may surprise you.
It was the final one I employed.
And that is Sorrow.
Sorrow was my final healer.
I still remember the day I chose to heal with Sorrow.
I actually remember more than the day.
I remember the place, the time…
the pale sunlight streaming into the loft where my partner and I lay on rumpled sheets.
Within that tiny moment, he made a comment about my breasts.
That is when I allowed Sorrow to join me,
to lay beside me in the pale sunlight.
I allowed myself to feel Sorrow, the deep sorrow of men’s opinions of my breasts.
The Sorrow for a lie which became a truth. Until I finally saw it for what it was.
A societal burden. A lie about breasts and love.
As Sorrow lay beside me, we began our healing journey, together.
Days, weeks, months went by, and I felt immense loneliness.
That’s when I called three energetic friends to join: Kindness. Courage. Resilience.
My friends and I stood together,
we looked upon the lie,
we saw the truth,
and we whispered over and over.
I love my beautiful breasts.
My partners love my beautiful breasts.
These words were seeds, and I tended the hell out of them.
I love my beautiful breasts.
My partners love my beautiful breasts.
Eventually, my seeds grew into truth and today, I love my beautiful breasts,
as do those with whom I choose to share.
As for that old root, the one which began in my childhood,
it was too big for me to remove so nature slowly composted it.
All I did was stop giving it the essentials –
attention, emotion, repetition.
Today, I wouldn’t plant this seed because I no longer bear the burden of lies.
I only plant seeds of truth.
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Before I share the last root, the deeper-than-sky root, I want to speak about trauma.
Trauma may be personal, ancestral, generational, societal, cultural, you name it.
And rarely does trauma exist in just one area, we are a complex network, the seen and the Unseen.
Each type of trauma requires a slightly different approach, the one I’m going to speak about is personal, with an ancestral tie. So there will be overlap.
The main issue with healing personal trauma is that it’s isolated in the nervous system.
Here’s a simplified version of why this happens.
When a traumatic event occurs, large areas of the nervous system are shut down, or turned off.
This is a healthy response for an overwhelmed system.
What this means is that the experience, the event, the memory, is stored in only a small part of the brain/body/nervous system. Only the areas still accessible, or online.
Due to this isolation, the experience or memory is unable to connect to healthy areas of the brain,
areas which are adept at integration, titration, learning, growing.
Each of us is a living network.
Our brain, our gut, our body, our nervous system, our organs.
We are a personal living network.
Plus…
We are an external, or communal, living network.
We are a network of family, community, society.
And networks are essential to health.
Nature teaches us this.
We need reciprocity and connection.
These are essential to well-being. - health and wholeness.
So, if an experience is isolated, it is disconnected from not only our personal wisdom,
but communal connection and understanding of others.
We struggle to be a living part of the network, and possible feel like that isolated trauma,
like a fracture of pain.
But…
we don’t need to remain this way.
We can connect the experience, the trauma, to our own healthy nervous system, and to the communal nervous system.
We do this through internal healing, and through external healing.
And we utilize both science and spirit.
Let me mention a few ways:
What I’m describing is healing at the physical level, and the energetic level.
Healing at the science level, and the spirit level.
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Before I go on I want to share an interesting correlation between science and spirit.
The study of epigenetics reveals an ancient, indigenous wisdom:
We are linked to our grandparents.
Both the science of epigenetics,
and indigenous, spiritual wisdom,
teach us that we are linked to our grandparents.
This holds true in my life.
My grandmother has been a guiding spirit to me, for many years,
even though she died when I was quite young and I barely knew her.
The beautiful thing about this correlation is that we now see quite clearly that science and spirit unite to support healing at the genetic and the ancestral level.
This is very good news for me because I’ve been blessed with more than one ancestral trauma,
more than one deeper-than-sky root.
I’m not alone in this, I know my ancestral trauma isn’t unique, it’s actually quite ordinary.
The only extraordinary thing is the amount of time I’ve spent digging, examining, crying, gnashing, and courageously sitting with my deeper-than-sky roots.
But wait, how exactly do I recognize a deeper-than-sky root?
An ancestral trauma?
For me, the telltale signs are hijacked and hypnotized.
When my ancestral trauma gets triggered, I am nowhere to be found.
I’ve been hijacked and hypnotized by a past far older than my lifetime.
But…maybe I also have experienced this trauma in my lifetime.
I’m starting to believe that ancestral trauma repeats itself - not only through the genes, but also through lived experience.
I sense this is the reason that two people can experience the same event: and while one walks away, the other is emotionally or mentally crippled.
You see, if we are already traumatized by our ancestors' experiences, we have no room to have our own experience.
We are hijacked by their experience, by their memories, which are passed down through our shared genes.
Let me pause and explain what I’m saying because I don’t know anyone else saying this,
but I think it’s coming.
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I believe that ancestral trauma repeats itself - genetically, yes, and also through lived experience.
We know the first part of my statement is true, through epigenetics and indigenous wisdom.
Our grandparents passed their genes onto us, traumatized and all..
The second part of my statement hasn’t been proven.
But. I’ve seen it. In my life and others.
to see another pattern.
I have experienced the same traumas that my ancestors experienced.
It’s like my genes push me to replay their trauma…
but not for nothing,
they want to be healthy.
They meaning my genes, and my ancestors.
This may sound weird.
I mean. Do genes think? Do they want to be healthy?
I believe they do.
I believe nature is always seeking health and balance.
Which means, a gene may dictate an experience in order to heal itself.
And thereby, heal us. Which ripples out to our ancestors.
Wait.
Did I just say that genes could dictate an experience? Are genes that smart?
Well, they are very, very old. And they are the blueprint of life.
And they do have enormous control over how our bodies and minds behave.
So.
I think genes are smarter than we realize.
I think they want to heal. To be healthy.
Plus, our genes connect us to our ancestors.
Do ancestors think? Do they want to be healthy?
Is it so far-fetched to imagine that our Ancestors wish for healing?
For us, and by proxy, for them?
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I’m not saying that you have to experience your ancestors' trauma in order to heal ancestral trauma.
What I'm saying is that this has sometimes been true in my life.
I’ve experienced some of the same trauma as my ancestors.
Spiritually speaking, people call this fate, destiny, or life-path.
Scientifically, people call this gene expression, or heredity.
Is what I’m saying true? Is it false?
I’m not saying either way.
I’m just playing with the mystery of it all.
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From where I stand today, I would say that trauma is the meeting of physical and spiritual.
It’s the place where we the seen world and the unseen world connect…here and now….to heal, integrate, renew.
This is the keystone I spoke of in the beginning.
Where we gather science and spirit,
Physical and energetic.
Here and now.
This is where everything happens.
Here and now.
So… let’s get on with it.
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My deeper-than-sky root expresses itself as terror-of-abandonment.
And I’m not alone in this.
My mother was so terrified of abandonment she desperately wished she were a siamese twin.
She literally wished she were physically attached to another human being.
She hated anything resembling isolation or separateness –
whether it was physical or emotional.
I feel fortunate that my inheritance is to a lesser degree,
I simply have a terrible fear of abandonment.
Which isn’t the same as being alone.
I love solitude,
I spend hours with myself: meditating, hiking, writing.
But when I am close to someone,
certain events can trigger an irrational fear of abandonment.
It’s generally one of three events:
The person is not physically present, when I expect them to be
The person is not emotionally present, when I expect them to be
The person is not energetically present, for any reason
Each of these situations I experienced as a child.
My parents were not physically present for much of my childhood.
My parents were not emotionally present for much of my childhood.
And my parents were not energetically present,
instead, they were hollow shells of protection.
But this didn’t begin with my parents.
I see the tailings of previous generations strewn about my parents' childhoods.
Their behavior wasn’t safe and secure, and I’m sure they weren’t the first.
So this root is old, it’s deeper than any midnight sky.
I'd like to describe how this feels to me.
This terror-of-abandonment.
I would start with the words small & helpless,
then I’d say an endless night without moon, danger everywhere.
then I’d use the words whipping winds & freezing rain,
with nowhere to go,
.Forever and ever.
I feel as though forever has captured me.
I will always be helpless,
always drowning in rain & darkness,
always lonely
This is an awful trait and I’m sorry to have it…
I’m also grateful that after decades of digging and healing,
I’ve altered the expression of this gene so it appears less often, and it isn’t to the severity it once was..
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How exactly did I do that? How did I stop repeating ancestral patterns…
stop fertilizing roots which extend beyond the inscrutable sky?
My first step in healing any root is always the same.
I ask for help.
I begin by asking my Ancestors because what I’m experiencing likely stems from their life.
I believe they understand what I’m going through,
I believe they wish to support and assist me,
I believe they wish to heal… alongside me.
And,
I believe that together, they and I, the unseen and seen,
can do far more than I can do alone.
Perhaps even a miracle...
After asking my ancestors for help,
I ask folks in the physical realm, both personal and professional.
But I don’t ask just anyone,
I ask people who understand self-responsible healing.
If you’re unsure what I mean by those words, self-responsible healing,
please listen to the episode called: Healing You, Not your Therapist.
Then, after asking Ancestors and other folks for help,
I ask everything else.
And I mean everything.
Plants, animals, fungi, minerals, crystals, spirit guides,
clouds, rain, wind, dirt, seeds, roots.
You name it, I’ve asked it.
Because I believe E=mC2
I believe everything is energy, energy waiting for creation.
Once I’ve asked everything I can think of for help,
I take responsibility for my environment.
My Physical Environment: healthy eating, daily exercise, journaling, solitude, companionship,
and plenty of rest.
My Mental Environment: breath awareness, meditation, neuroplasticity, positive affirmations,
and plenty of creativity.
My Emotional Environment: curiosity, wonder, awe, beauty, sorrow, love,
and plenty of joy.
My Spiritual Environment: prayer, ceremony, song, sacred rituals, dance,
and plenty of faith.
Because I am DEEPER than any midnight sky.
And I know my time here is precious.
I’m not a helpless, hapless, victim.
I have innate healing mechanisms in my Body, my Mind, my Soul.
And my healing in the physical realm ripples into the energetic or spiritual realm,
and vice versa.
My healing ripples to the Ancestors. Their healing ripples to me.
This is sacred reciprocity. The giving and receiving which has no physical properties, yet is known and felt by our essential nature.
There are still so many mysteries when it comes to digging roots - but what I do know is that it takes time to glean wisdom from each one.
So dig with thoughtfulness and tend yourself with care.
I’ll do the same.
And if you remember nothing else.
Remember that you are the gardener of your mind, your life, your dreams.
Don’t fear your roots, they only lead to truth.
Baby steps mature into marathons.
…with tireless faith, persistence of mind, and dedication of body,
I bid you farewell.
OUTRO
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