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INTRO

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Don’t *f* with My Pain

Greetings, my fellow travelers.

It has been quite some time since I’ve recorded a podcast. 

And it feels good to be back.

There were months when I wasn’t sure if I would return because it’s been fifteen months, fifteen months of being away. 

And away I have been.

Away from what I thought I ‘should’ be doing.

Away from who I thought I ‘should’ be.

Away from people and places I thought ‘should’ be in my life.

Away from the running away, 

Away from a lot of things, but mostly… 

Away from pretending…

Away from pretending…

Pretending I was not in pain.

That’s what this episode is about.

Pain. And suffering.

Two things I have spent my life avoiding.

In such clever ways, but nothing worked. 

So I finally accepted their invitation - their invitation to stay.

And stop pretending.

 Because the kind of pretending I was doing wasn’t playful and imaginative, 

it was a lie. An energetic lie. 

To both myself, and the Universe.

I knew the truth. And the universe knew the truth.

I was in immense pain.

It’s no wonder I haven’t felt at peace, haven’t felt at home.

I’ve been living an energetic lie in an energetic universe.

Which is why I went away. 

Away from all the cowardly ‘shoulds’, away from all the hiding, the running, the pretending.

I didn’t do this willingly, I am too cowardly!

 I only complied after I realized my biceps were much smaller than Life’s…

And that’s when I began to live the truth. 

I was in Pain.

A lot of Pain.

And I’m not alone.

I know many who are in Pain, 

Pain from the death of their partner,  

Pain from watching their son lose the battle with his inner demons.

Pain from the abuse of their father as he shatters many lives.

Pain from the rape of their mother, their sister, their friend.

Each of these pains is obvious and easy to give a nod of the head, 

but what of Pains which aren’t so simple:

the unending heartbreak after a brief relationship, 

or the decades of suffering from a childhood gone wrong, 

or the agony of not wanting to be alive.

Pain. And Suffering.

Are abundant. 

They come from obvious causes, 

as well as mysterious ones.

Every life will be touched by Suffering. By Pain.

And some more than others. Without any measure of fairness.

So what can we do about Suffering and Pain?

A lot.

And so very little.

Sometimes it’s as easy as following Buddha’s has an eightfold path, or the path of forgiveness which Christ esteemed, there are also plenty of scientific methods. 

So many ways to ease suffering and pain. 

And many work. 

I know, because I've tried them. 

So what I’m inviting you to consider, does not negate other avenues, it is simply one which worked for me when nothing else did, and when everything I did seemed to increase the suffering and pain. 

So, here’s the invitation.

If you find yourself in Suffering and Pain, and nothing else works, 

kneel and ask for mercy. 

The mercy to change.

Because suffering and pain are transformative powers of change.

Suffering and pain initiate great change, in us, in or lives.

I know this from experience. This is what I’ve been doing for the past fifteen months.

I have been suffering. I have been moving thru pain.  

I have been changing. 

I have been Changing in big ways, in Marvelous ways…

Closer to peace and home than ever… 

And I mean ever, in my entire life. 

Think about this…. 

…I went away, away from the ‘shoulds’...

And I went away from the running away, 

And instead, I suffered, I was in pain.

Until I learned to go through pain.

Now, I’m more at peace with me than Ever. 

Peace with the me I am.  

The Me I am. 

Not the me I should be, 

the me I am.

 The Me who has plenty of faults, and a handful of haters. (hello haters! 🙂)

The Me who has beautiful gifts, and beautiful friends. (hello friends! 🙂)

The Me who is in the Service of my heart, not in service of the ‘shoulds’..

What I’m saying is that when you face the suffering and pain, 

it doesn’t make you perfect. 

It makes you peaceful.

Peaceful with the you that only you can be.

But i can’t tell you how to do that because only you know.

That’s part of this invitation, to let go of the ‘shoulds’, 

and let suffering and pain guide you.

They truly are transformative powers of change.

I believe you intuitively know this.

Or maybe you’ve already walked this path and you know it from direct experience.

All I know is that suffering and pain have been transformative powers of change. 

They changed all my shoulds, 

what I ‘should’ be doing, 

Or who I ‘should’ be,

Into who I am.

In this moment.

Which may be someone who is suffering, and in pain.

And that is ok. 

In fact, its’ better than ok.

It’s authentic. 
It’s real.

And when you’re authentic, you’re aligned with the Universe, or God, or Allah, or Yahweh, or Ghanesha, or Love, etc…

What I’m explaining are my current beliefs, 

based on my experiences over the past fifteen months.

Mainfly, that suffering and change are transformative powers of change.

And not only that, they are sacred and holy powers of change.

They are not here to harm.

Although their lessons may hurt.

They are not here to harm.

I hadn’t fully realized how sacred these two energies are until a message arrived just the other day.

It was the eve of the full moon in February and I was going about my day, busy with other activities, when I suddenly grabbed a pen and wrote these words, 

“Don’t *f* with my pain.”

This sounded harsh to me and I was confusde by the rashness of the moment. 

As I said, I was busy with another activity and not expecting to write anything until my hand reached for a pen. 

That’s when I felt someone pinging me from within, telling me a message was waiting for me. 

And quickly scribbled a message.

Here’s the message in its entirety:

“Don’t *f* with my pain.

I’ve got to go thru it.

No running, blaming, hiding, controlling, pretending…

I’ve got to go thru it. 

Feel it. Live it. Be it.

Die to it.

And become more than it.”

After writing these words, I read and re-read them.

I wasn’t sure what to do so I stared at the page.

As I stared, another message arrived. 

This one was short, and I wrote it at the bottom of the page.

Can we? Can I? Together.

 I stared at the page.

Reading and re-reading.

“Don’t *f* with my pain.

I’ve got to go thru it.

No running, blaming, hiding, controlling, pretending…

I’ve got to go thru it. 

Feel it. Live it. Be it.

Die to it.

And become more than it.

Can we? Can I? Together.”

There it is. 

A rash, and rapidly delivered message.

I spent the rest of the full moon integrating and understanding the message I was given.

The key lines are the first and last.

First. 

When I say “don’t *f* with my pain”, I’m serious. 

I don’t want you to mess with my pain.

And I don’t want me, to mess with my pain.

Because without the past 15 months of pain, 

I would not be the powerful woman I am today.

I would not be greater than the pain.

Suffering and pain are transformative powers of Change, for me, when I:

“Don’t *f* with my pain.

I go thru it.

No running, blaming, hiding, controlling, pretending…

I go thru it. 

Feel it. Live it. Be it.

Die to it.

And become more than it.”

In a bizarre way, I fought for my pain.

I allowed it to be whatever it needed to be, for however long it needed.

I wish I could tell you this left me as a perfected being free of suffering and pain, 

but it didn’t. 

I still have what I call ‘normal’ sufferings and pains of life.

But what I don’t have is THAT pain, that indescribable, unfathomable Pain.

THAT pain has gone.

That suffering has eased.

I would like you to ask yourself if you're willing to fight for your pain?

If you’ll give Pain the time it needs?

If you’ll allow Pain to do what it has come to do?

If you’ll climb the mountains you’re terrified of?

And descend into the chasms you’ve pretended don’t exist?

If you’ll be tenacious and tender, with your pain?

If you’ll be patient and protective of your Pain?

If you’ll Pain to Change you?

To change you into an authentic self.

Not a perfect self. 

An authentic self.

I’ve ranted so long about Suffering and Pain that I want to remind you, and me, that there is far more to Life than suffering and pain.

But soemtimes we can’t get to those others parts of life until we’ve learned how to walk this path. 

So, if you find yourself with only Suffering and Pain as companions, and nothing else works I invite you to guard them with your life, 

for they are here to give it back to you. 

Suffering and Pain can give you back your life back. 

They are transformative powers of Change. 

Be the change you wish to see in the world, as Gandhi says.

Be the one who discovers they are greater than any pain.

Be the one shakes the hand of Suffering,

and gives Pain a big ole hug.

Be the one who has multi-faceted arrivals and artful fractals of departure.

If you’re not sure what I just said, neither am I.

It’s just my way of saying I don’t know what’s going on, 

but I know something is. And I’m an intrinsic part of it. 

As are you.

Which reminds me…

Do you remember the last line of my message?

Can we? Can I? Together.

This line is the most powerful for me.

Can we? Can I? Together.

I’m tired of the old belief system.

The one where we are NOT intertwined, entangled, woven, enmeshed, knitted, knotted, bonded, and literally, breathing the air of others.

Whatever this is, we are in this, together.

Is there a drop of water which has never been touched?

Is there a drop of air which has never been breathed?

Is there a Being which has never been affected by another?

Whatever this is, we are in this, together.

So.

Can we? Can I? 

Together.

I believe we can…

I believe I can…

And I pray your journey leads you Home.

With more love than letters, 

And more sweetness than stars,

I bid you adieu…

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OUTRO

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