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INTRO
Today’s episode is dedicated to those who feel like I once did:
broken, confused, and without hope.
It is for you that I share my journey.
I hope to soothe your aching heart,
possibly offer a light of comfort,
and remind you that you are not alone in your solitude,
there are many who love you,
and wish only the best for you.
I am one.
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This is the first of a two part series and I’d like to begin with a question I asked myself many years ago.
Am I ready to look away from my past,
and heal into my future?
Healing is a gift,
and when it happens to me, it feels like a miracle.
The very thing I thought would never change, is suddenly transformed,
and the world is clear, bright, and shining.
And while that moment of healing is miraculous,
my healing journey doesn’t always feel that way.
Over the years I’ve engaged with many methods of healing, and I’ve traveled far and wide to do so.
Some methods were indigenous ceremonies and medicines,
combined with ancient rituals,
Other methods applied the cutting edge technology of brain waves.
Some methods were still and quiet, such as vipassana meditation,
others required motion and movement, such as dance therapy.
Each of these healing methods has its own merit,
along with the numerous other healing modalities available.
What I’m sharing today doesn’t concern method, it’s about perspective.
Perspective isn’t quite the right word but I haven’t found the perfect word,
so I’m going to use two words: perspective & direction.
The phrase: look away from my past, and heal into my future
implies perspective, one of healing,
the phrase also implies direction, that of the future.
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So why do I look away from my past, and heal into my future?
To answer this question, I’d like to share my journey,
not only what I’ve personally experienced,
but what I’ve witnessed,
as I’ve supported others who chose to “heal into their future”,
in their unique way.
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I began my healing journey as many do.
I focused on my past.
Focusing on the past was initially beneficial,
it allowed me to consider my mental constructs,
the beliefs and thought patterns I had constructed over the years.
Some I had chosen, others I had taken on because someone else believed them.
Focusing on the past also allowed me to consider the judgments I held about others,
and to see the deeper complexity of our overlapping lives.
I found I could not easily dismiss how one person’s truth is another person’s false,
nor could I explain everything away as good, bad, right, wrong.
Focusing on the past was beneficial,
but after a while I became stuck in it, obsessed with every tiny detail.
The longer I focused on my past, the more it mired me down.
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I’d like to pause for a moment and mention a word I just used, longer.
The longer I focused on my past.
What I didn’t say, was deeper,
the deeper I focused into my past.
It is healthy for me to go deeply into my past,
but spending great lengths of time there, is not.
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So, there I was, obsessed with my past, and mired down by the trillion details.
I told my therapists and energy healers about this and they said I was stuck because there was something I still needed to heal in my past.
This perspective on healing didn’t feel right to me but I was afraid to heal on my own,
I thought they had all the gifts of healing.
I hadn’t yet learned that each of us can, and does, heal ourselves.
Yes, we may need support, and comfort, possibly guidance from others,
but we heal ourselves,
from within.
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I also hadn’t learned that staring into my past didn’t keep me safe from repeating my past.
I thought if I stared at it then it wouldn’t happen again.
So, although nothing felt right, I continued to focus on my past.
On and on I went, digging through my past,
dragging up another and another and another thing to heal.
I continued my obsessive digging until I was too exhausted to continue.
I could no longer remember a time outside of my past
I could no longer remember my joy of simply being alive.
I felt broken, confused, and hopeless.
And I was tired of working with therapists and energy healers who needed me to remain sick.
They would never see as well -- as a healthy, whole individual.
So, I stopped digging.
I felt so alone and lost. I had no idea how I could possibly help myself when no one else seemed to be able to.
There must really be something wrong with me,
I thought.
And saw how my obsession with the past had become an excuse for me not to move forward.
The only thing I knew at this time was that I didn’t want my future to look like my past.
So I asked myself a question.
Am I ready to look away from my past,
and heal into my future?
The question terrified me.
Look away from the awfulness of my past?
But then, who will guard them from happening again?
And heal into a future I can’t control?
This surely means terrible things will happen!
It took more than faith for me to look away from my past,
it took desperation and stonewalled hopelessness.
I had no other choice.
𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲
So what happened when I said the simple word “yes”?
Yes, I want to heal into my future.
My perspective shifted.
My direction changed.
With one word.
With one word I directed myself toward a future I couldn’t see,
a future I could scarcely imagine,
a future I was terrified to step toward.
But somewhere inside me, something believed in that unseen future.
It was steadfast and committed, and it kept asking the question,
over and over.
Am I ready to look away from my past,
and heal into my future?
With each asking, I began to feel things shift and change inside me.
Questions arose like lighthouses from the fog.
Who do I wish to be?
What qualities will I have?
How does it feel to live my dreams?
I began to feel my way toward answers.
I began sailing my vessel toward these lighthouses of hope.
And although I didn’t have specific answers, I began to feel myself in a new life.
It felt so good to feel a new life, that I didn’t stop.
I spent days doing this, bathed in the wonder of shifts and change,
of perspective and direction.
And then something happened which shocked me.
I found myself facing the wounds I truly needed to heal.
I thought I had healed these wounds,
but when I changed my perspective and direction,
when I tried to grow into my future,
they were there.
Untouched and waiting.
Between me and the life I longed to live.
I had fooled myself.
I had white-washed dirty walls and called it clean,
called it healed.
𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲
So why hadn’t I healed when I was staring into the past?
I’m not sure, but I’ve seen this same scenario in many others.
It’s like I can’t see the past clearly when I stare right at it,
perhaps how my peripheral vision is keen to pick up things that my direct vision misses.
Or maybe I don’t dare see my past clearly,
or maybe I tell myself it’s healed so I won’t have to touch it.
All I know is that when I turned toward my future,
when I dared to live,
I stood before my oldest, deepest wounds.
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Before we go further on this journey,
I’d like you to experience the opposite of what I’m speaking about.
I believe it will offer you a clear, sharp, contrast.
Please situate yourself so you can focus for about one minute.
𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲
I’d like you to close your eyes.
Direct yourself toward your past.
Feel your past lay out before you.
Consider all the memories of your life…
See all the days you've lived…
All the months…
All the years.
How long would it take you to sift through these memories?
Where would you start?
Does all of the healing belong to you,
does some belong to others?
Do you need to heal every morsel of your past?
𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲
When I direct myself into my past, that’s where I’m going.
This isn’t wrong, there are times when I need to do this,
but if I’ve been doing this for years and haven’t discovered inner peace,
or wholeness, or joy,
then something isn’t working.
I’m not broken, my process isn’t working.
An analogy of “healing into my future” is recycling versus composting.
Recycling is just that, recycle, re-cycle, cycle, cycle,
habitually tell my story, over and over and over.
Composting gives nature a chance to do what it does, naturally,
to transform the old into something entirely new.
Something nourishing.
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Now, I’d like you to experience healing into my future.
Please turn away from your past,
rotate your perspective 180 degrees.
I’d like you to face your future.
What do you see?
Are there any knowns?
Is the future infinite, boundless,
completely unknown?
Who do you wish to be?
𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲
This is often where people turn back,
no matter how dreadful their present situation or past experiences,
at least they are known.
I’d like you to stay.
I’d like you to remain directed toward the vastness of your future.
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“Healing into my future” means I’m brave enough to believe in myself,
to live the life I dream of,
and trust that whatever needs healing is waiting for me,
in the right time, in the right place, in the right way.
“Healing into my future” means I pay attention to my life.
My time and my attention are priceless.
Where have I focused my attention?
Where have I spent my time?
Let’s turn these questions toward the future.
Where do I wish to focus my attention?
Where do I wish to spend my time?
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The first set of questions tells me what I’ve been doing, which is good to know,
but the answers are static,
because they’re directed into the past.
The second set of questions tells me where I’m going,
and these answers are fluid – because they grow as I grow.
This isn’t blind growth. I don’t heal into my future blindly.
I step forward with faith because I’ve committed to a new life.
This shifts the mind's eye,
to look in new directions, to ponder new questions,
questions which arise naturally from within.
Questions with answers only I know.
I know what is best for me so I begin by trusting myself,
and I build an inner foundation.
This foundation isn’t tangible in the way one would normally think,
yet it’s every bit as real as stone, and brick, and clay.
This foundation isn't about the job, the relationship, the money, the home, the success.
This foundation is energetic,
spiritual.
This foundation is built in the realm of Soul,
God, Goddess, Buddha, Creator, Universe, Yahweh, Allah, Divine.
In that realm:
What is my foundation?
What do I stand upon?
What do I stand for?
What is in service with my soul?
Do I stand on faith… hope… integrity… joy… love… trust… authenticity… connection.
𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲
The first time I created a foundation, I chose four attributes.
I chose four because four is a foundational number.
I learned the power of numbers when I obtained my degree in mathematics,
and have since cultivated a deeper relationship with numbers.
You may not find meaning in numbers, in which case, simply choose attributes in any manner which resonates with you.
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The four attributes I chose were Joy, Faith, Integrity, and Steadfastness.
Once I chose these attributes, I discovered that my foundation was shaky,
I was weak in these attributes.
I needed to find my inner well-spring of joy,
and have faith in myself and my unique journey,
I need to remain steadfast to my inner truths,
and have integrity with my thoughts, my words, and my deeds,
through and through.
This is when my deepest healing began.
I didn’t look toward my past,
my deepest healing was learning to live the life of my dreams.
As I cultivated joy, faith, integrity and steadfastness,
I learned how to truly forgive others' lies and betrayals.
I learned how to truly release the abuse, narcissism, and cruelty of others.
I learned to see my role in all situations.
As I cultivated an inner foundation of my choosing,
I reclaimed my joy and my faith.
I reclaimed my integrity with my personal truths,
and I remained steadfast.
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This time, I knew true healing was occuring because,
very slowly,
I began to see in me, the person I knew I could be.
A woman who stood upon the foundation she chose for herself,
a woman who knew how to continually grow, while living her dreams.
A woman who felt immense love, joy, and inner peace.
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“Healing into my future” is personal, so your journey isn’t going to look like mine.
But I do believe there will be at least one symmetry.
Healing into my future happens more than once, because time passes.
So, I continually build new attributes upon my previous foundation.
And each time I mature into new attributes,
The world outside of me changes, of its own accord.
I find myself living a new life.
People, jobs, situations, even personal traits which I once thought permanent,
fbbbbell away.
People fell away because they didn’t appreciate how I was growing, and changing,
or they were afraid of my changes, or they needed me to stay where they were.
Jobs fell away because they were soul crushing, so I cultivated the courage to seek jobs which had meaning.
Unhealthy situations fell away because I learned to sidestep them,
and flow into a healthy life.
𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲
I would not be the woman I am today if I hadn’t dared look away from my past.
Yes, I was terrified of repeating the same mistakes.
Yes, I was certain there was something innately wrong with me.
Yes, the first days, weeks, and months were confusing and anxiety-ridden.
Yes, I could scarcely imagine a future for myself.
But I reminded myself everyday that I would never be asked to live more than one day at a time. Just one day.
And if I needed to break it down further. Then just one hour, or one minute.
My favorite is one breath.
Just one breath. This breath. I’m alive.
One more breath. I’m here, my heart is beating.
One more breath. My lungs fill with air, old things slip away.
I exhale, and I’m empty.
At first I was worried about the emptiness inside of me but it was a gift,
it gave me the space to truly heal, to consider what I wanted in my future,
and to tend that which needs tending.
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“Healing into my future” means tending to my life,
it means practicing the life I want to live, here and now, right now,
in this moment, and this moment, and this moment.
“Healing into my future” means standing firm on my chosen foundation,
while allowing opportunities to open doors,
and unseen possibilities to appear on the horizon.
It means flashes of inspiration are no longer ignored, they are my guidance.
Healing into my future isn’t an easy process but it’s a hopeful process.
It was a huge relief, after so many years, mired down in my past,
to see and feel and live a life of enthusiasm, meaning, and inner peace.
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Remember “healing into my future” begins with perspective and direction,
not movement, not motion.
The brilliance of this process is that I know when it’s time to move forward because there are no haunting memories, I’m no longer fighting my past.
I am a quiet knowing.
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Should you choose this process,
you may feel afraid and uncertain,
as I did,
but build a strong foundation on the inside,
and you’ll be you,
through and through.
You are whole.
Your days will be accompanied by enthusiasm, and you’ll feel the sureness of your footing.
You are solid.
Choose your attributes, stand on your foundation.
It’s that simple.
Nothing monumental.
One day at a time, you will heal into the future of your dreams.
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With fortitude, with faith,
and with frolic,
I bid you, farewell.
OUTRO
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