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INTRO

Today is the second part of the series called -- “healing into my future.”

So why don’t I simply heal my past?

First, because my past is really, really big.

Second, because I’m never certain what truly needs healing.

And third, because I often overlay my past onto my present, 

which means there’s no need for me to go anywhere, my past is right here. 

And that’s where I’d like to begin, right here.

In the present moment.

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I’d like you to be present with yourself, in this moment. 

Be here. 

Watch carefully as I walk in the room.

I walk in and I say that thing you hate.

I know you hate it, but I don’t seem to care,

I say it anyway. 

And then I stand here, and stare.

What’s happening inside of you?

How do you respond? 

Do you ask questions, 

try to figure out what’s really happening with me?

Do you give me space to think, and say, and feel that thing you can’t stand.

Do you feel a rush of emotion – irritation, anger, hatred?

Do you judge me? She is so… She’s not even! 

Do you drown in your habitual response --- and blame me? 

Simply because I said that thing you can’t stand.

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Maybe you don’t drown, 

but do you lose yourself sometimes, in emotions, or thoughts, or judgements. 

Do you forget where you are? Where you always are. 

Which is where we began. 

In the present moment.

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The phenomenon I’ve just described is one I call “the whirlpool.”

The whirlpool is the place where life no longer flows, 

it only spins, around and around and around.

It swirls with old stories, and overused emotions.

 I’m going to use this whirlpool to deepen our exploration of “healing into my future.”

And I’d like you to play along with me.

Join me in the following three scenarios, 

perhaps they’ll spark new insight, or inspiration, on your journey.

Here they are.

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First scenario: DON’T get sucked into the whirlpool, swim around it.

Second scenario: DO get sucked into the whirlpool, swim through it.

Third scenario: DON a life vest, strengthen your strokes toward the future.

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Before we role-play these three scenarios, I need to bring awareness to awareness.

And not just any old awareness, this is awareness in the present moment.

Awareness in the present moment is how we swim around the whirlpool. 

Let me explain.

When we are aware of the present moment, 

when we flow with awareness, 

the whirlpool has no effect on us.

This is the art of pure presence. 

This is how we live at the center of each moment. 

This type of awareness has liberated me from traumatic memories, 

and unhealthy behaviors.

Now, let’s role-play. 

I’ll be me, and you be you.

First scenario: DON’T get sucked into the whirlpool, swim around it.

𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲

I walk in the room and I say that thing you hate, 

I know you hate it. 

But I don’t care, I just stand here and stare.

You didn’t sleep last night because your home life is as heavy as your workload, 

, so you’re low on everything, 

except impatience and frustration.

What happens inside of you when you’re low on patience and high on frustration?

Perhaps you judge me, and nasty thoughts whirl inside your head.

But you don’t really want to say them aloud, 

you want to behave better than me, 

so you push the nasty thoughts away, 

but it doesn’t work. 

The nasties continue to whirl around your head.

What now? …

Are you still aware?

Can you feel your body?

Can you feel your emotions?

Can you hear your thoughts?

Are you aware of yourself? 

Are you in the present moment?

If so, then you’re swimming! 

♭♭ K e e p   o n   s w i m m i n g -- K e e p   o n   s w i m m i n g ♭♭

Be like Dori in the movie Nemo.

Keep swimming -- in the present moment.

Be here, be now, be present, and the whirlpool fades.

This is -- success. 

Success isn’t an emotionless response to life, 

success is remaining aware of ourselves, as we are. 

To “know thyself” begins with awareness of oneself.

There’s no need for perfection. Simply be aware. 

In this moment -- and this moment -- and this moment.

Well done. ….

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Now, let’s role-play the second scenario, which is nearly identical to the first in that we practice awareness in the present moment, 

only this one is a little more exciting because we travel into the whirlpool. 

But wait??

 Why go into the whirlpool? Isn’t that the same as healing the past? 

Yes, and no….

Yes, this heals the past, but no, the past isn’t our destination.

We begin where the sages say all things happen, in the present moment.

We end where the sages say all things happen, in the present moment.

And we navigate the middle where the sages say all things happen, in the present moment. 

Second Scenario: DO get sucked into the whirlpool, swim through.

𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲

I walk in the room and I say that thing,

that thing you hate, and I know you hate it. 

I say that thing, I push those buttons, and I stare.

You whip into a frenzy and I don’t even care.

You spin with crazy, endless thoughts, around and around and around.

You fight it as long as you can, but then, 

you’re sucked into the whirlpool.

You’re flooded by your past.

You’ve lost your awareness of the present moment!

Or have you?

Are you aware that you’ve lost control? 

Are you aware that you’re in your own whirlpool, that you’re swirling in your past stories?

Are you aware of the emotions flooding your body? 

Are you aware that you hate it when you end up here?

If so, then keep swimming. 

You’ve been sucked in, but you’re not drowning.

♭♭ K e e p   o n   s w i m m i n g -- K e e p   o n   s w i m m i n g ♭♭

Being sucked into the past feels awful and terrible. 

So be aware of that, be aware of how your body feels. 

Be aware of your breath - it continues to flow, and your heart - it continues to beat.

Be aware of your mind, and the stories it tells you while you're in your whirlpool. 

Are the stories true? 

Am I really an awful, horrible person? 

Will this whirlpool never, ever end?

This second scenario takes courage because we experience the fullness of what has come before, we re-visit the past.

But this time -- with our awareness intact. 

When we are aware in the present moment, we learn. 

As wretched as this whirlpool feels, it teaches us -- about ourselves. 

The whirlpool teaches us, then releases us.

And like the first scenario, our success isn’t emotionless, or unresponsive, 

success means we’re aware of ourselves, in each moment. 

Simply be aware… in this moment, and this moment, and this moment.

Well done.

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The third scenario is the one we explored in the first episode of “healing into my future”. 

In this scenario, we aren’t able to remain aware, we lose ourselves to the swirling whirlpool of the past, so we practice swimming.

Third scenario: DON a life vest, strengthen your strokes toward the future.

𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲

I walk in the room and I do that thing 

AGAIN. 

Only this time, I really do it. I mean, I come at you with everything I have.

I roar in your face: I am right! You are wrong!

And you freak out! 

You start ranting and raving, spewing negativity and hatred everywhere. 

You’re wildly judgmental, throwing insults like daggers, 

swirling and spinning with righteous  fury. 

You’re so unconsciously in your past that you don’t see how you’ve engorged yourself with rotten stories, and bruised yourself with your own rage.

You thrash about in arrogance, 

oblivious to the lightless eye of your whirlpool.

The eye sucks you down, down, down.

Down into your own fathomless depths. 

You -- are gone. 

You’re no longer aware, you’re no longer in the present moment. 

You’re not even in the whirlpool, you’ve become the whirlpool.

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When this happens to me I feel hijacked and helpless. 

I’m hardly conscious of what I’m saying or doing.

I’m not even aware that I’m no longer aware!

My mind throws temper tantrums,

and then sharpens itself on past wounds.

All it wants -- is to be judge, jury, and executioner.  

My mind judges me, 

it judges other people, 

it judges the way he said that thing, or the way she flicked her hair, 

or how they stared at me when I told them it was traffic.

My mind judges, juries, and then executes one verdict - 

guilty. 

But the worst part? -- is that I believe.

I believe my stories --  over -- the reality of this moment. 

The awfulness of believing and reliving these old stories is that they hurt me, 

they hurt others, and they’re rarely true -- but I’m not strong enough to swim out so I drown in the very thing I run from, the thing I hate to feel, the memories I don’t want to remember, the experience I never want to live again.

I whirlpool in my past, around and around and around. 

Nothing is authentic, everything is recycled.

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This is when I don my life vest, 

because I’m beyond my own reach.

My life vest is the one I call “healing into my future”. 

It directs me away from the wretched whirlpool -- 

by employing the wisdom of one very simple question, 

a question with infinite possibility.

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Who do I wish to be?

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My answer tends to be as simple as the question.

 I wish to be calm, aware, kind, sure-footed -- to know my truths.

My answer may be one word, say “loved”.

I speak the word loved, over and over. 

I focus on a future where I feel loved --- 

by myself, by others, 

by a higher power: Soul, God, Allah, Creator, Yahweh.

My answer may be one phrase.

I speak the phrase, over and over, 

and I study the meaning. 

A recent phrase for me is from the book Circe, 

where the ancient Trigon shares his wisdom about the world Circe lives in. 

He says:

 “Then child, make another.”

And that’s what I’m doing. 

I’m making another world for myself. 

A world where I do not rob myself of the beauty of the present moment, 

a world where I am who I wish to be, 

A worldaskdjflow with life.

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.

My answers to the question, 

Who do I wish to be?

are my life vest -- I cling to them. 

They buoy me up, out of my unconscious, whirling past, 

and hold me safe, in a space where I cultivate something new, 

simply by thinking one healthy thought.

I think and speak and study that thought until I’m safely out of my whirlpool. 

This may take minutes, or hours, sometimes it takes me days. 

It doesn’t matter, I think the thought as long as needed. 

Thinking this thought over and over is the science of neuroplasticity. 

I’ll explore neuroplasticity in a different episode, for now, 

please recall that the third scenario is a life vest. 

At some point, I need to swim.

Pema Chodron explains this so beautifully:

Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us all we need to know.

My whirlpool isn’t going to disappear until I’ve learned all I need. 

Which brings me back to where we began.

 In the present moment. 

The highest regard in all situations is to remain aware, 

even if it’s only one breath, or three, maybe nine. 

Each of these scenarios is meant to support awareness in the present moment, 

and each is used at different times. Let’s review.

First: DON’T get sucked into the whirlpool, swim around it.

Second: DO get sucked into the whirlpool, swim through it.

Third: DON a life vest, strengthen your strokes toward the future.

𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲𝅘𝅥𝅲

Now that I have this tidy group of choices, let’s say I practice them until I am constantly aware of myself. 

I am buddha!

Nope. Here’s the rub. 

I can be totally present in the moment and still be a control freak. 

I’ve seen it -- in myself, and others. 

Some of the wisest and most accomplished -- leaders, gurus, shamans, bishops, chaplains, energy healers, meditators, you-name-it, 

they are fighting to control the present. 

They need life to look a certain way.

Yes, they are very wise, they are very aware, they are masterful, but they’re not flowing.

So awareness isn’t enough, we need to flow. 

Ironically, what I need most when I become the wretched whirlpool, 

is flow. 

Sometimes I need to flow with patience for others, 

sometimes I need to flow with self-care and firm boundaries.

Sometimes I flow toward people I haven’t been getting along with, 

and we sort through our challenges, 

other times I flow away from people, so they can sort out their own challenges.

“Healing into my future” gets me out of my whirlpool and helps me flow, 

flow toward something I can’t see, and can’t be certain of, 

but at the very least, 

it gives me a chance to care for myself.  

“When I care for myself, I have no need to compare myself.”

Let me repeat that.

“When I care for myself, I have no need to compare myself.”

I wrote these words when I was struggling to feel enough, to remind myself that my divinity is given at birth, it cannot be taken, nor diminished, nor proven. 

For me, there’s no comparing our divinity, we are equals. 

It’s our humanity which needs cultivating.

We live in a world where multiple truths are simultaneously true, and not just between people, but within ourselves. If we seek to live a mono-experience, with just one truth, we forgo the beauty of pure presence, which is the flow of ALL that is.

This flow is sacred.

But sometimes, 

I’m scared to flow with life. 

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Have you ever noticed the spelling of sacred and scared? 

Same letters, two reversed. 

For me, the most sacred aspects of life often leave me feeling scared.  

Like healing my deepest wounds, like believing in myself, 

like knowing I’m not in control of life.

I’m sacred. I’m scared. I’m the never-ending story. 

I wound, I heal, I trust, I learn, I fail, I apologize, I succeed, I forgive, I grow -- everyday flows, and I flow, as best I can, in faith, in love, and most importantly to me, in joy. 

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The process of “healing into my future” isn’t a mono-truth, it’s a medley of questions and answers, each one unique to you.

And you decide -- in each precious moment. 

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Am I ready to look away from my past,

and heal into my future?

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♭♭ K e e p   o n   s w i m m i n g ♭♭

With song, with sunshine, and with sass, 

I bid you, farewell.

OUTRO

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