Rethinking Addiction: From Shame To Dignity, From Isolation To Community

We explore how identity, language, and harm reduction shape recovery and what friends and families can do that actually helps. Caroline Beidler shares her story, practical tools, and evidence-based resources that save time and protect dignity.

• early trauma and the search for peace
• finding faith, fellowship, and recovery purpose
• identity-first language that reduces stigma
• why labels delay help and fuel shame
• harm reduction as a life-saving on-ramp
• navigating social pressure and judgment
• how to host inclusive, alcohol-free options
• curiosity over control when offering help
• mental health support for anxiety and trauma
• fast access to treatment with Recovery.com
• preorder bonuses and community resources

Preorder “When You Love Someone in Recovery” (out April 7th) at CarolineBeidler.com for a candid video with her husband, a family recovery planning guide, and the opening of the audiobook.

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Order Stephanie's book Imagine More: Do What You Love, Discover Your Potential 

Transcript

Welcome And Caroline’s New Book

SPEAKER_01 0:24

I would like to welcome Caroline Beidler to the Pivotal People Podcast. And I'm excited about this because she was on the podcast just about six months ago. And her topic was, you know, you are more than your past. We talked about not identifying, not being defined by our past traumas. And we had a great response. So I saw that Caroline's coming out with a new book in April. Love the topic. And I asked her if she would come on again, even though it's pretty soon. And she said yes. So thank you for coming on, Caroline. I'll tell you quickly, Caroline on her website, she describes herself as a mom in recovery, an advocate. She's an author, a speaker, and a mental health expert. So we're getting a lot of bang for our buck with this episode. Thanks for being here.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

Oh, Stephanie, thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_01 1:19

It's just a joy to see you again. We talked a little bit before the episode started. Caroline's new book is really thought-provoking. I have listened to a couple of her podcasts on the topic, and it's really prompted my thinking. I hope it prompts yours. The title of her book is When You Love Someone in Recovery: A Hopeful Guide to Understanding Addiction. And I'm just going to open it with that, Caroline, and let you tell us a little more about that, yourself, your background, and then let's get into the nuts and bolts of it.

Early Trauma And Descent Into Addiction

Finding Faith, Recovery, And Purpose

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Yeah, absolutely. Well, you know, I love to give kind of a snapshot. So the snapshot I want to start with, and I may have told this story before. So I apologies if your listeners have heard this when we shared earlier. But I was about 11 years old, and I was sitting under this tree in my grandpa's yard. Uh, my brother and I spent a lot of time with my grandpa when we were growing up. And I was sitting under this tree and I had snuck a beer can from his fridge. So he used to keep a six-pack of beer in his fridge for when my dad would come over or pick us up. And so I was under this tree and I remember cracking it open and taking a sip. And, you know, I see an 11-year-old now, and I'm like, wow, there are babies. Well, I think 30-year-olds and 25-year-olds are babies too. So, um, anyways, but you know, I was I was a baby. And at that time in my life, my very young life, I had gone through some traumatic things. I had experienced what we term and researchers called adverse childhood experiences, which led me to really want to escape how I was feeling. I wanted to escape my body. I remember feeling really uncomfortable in my body. I felt so self-conscious. I didn't grow up in a Christian home. I had no God who I prayed to. I didn't, even though I felt God and I was seeking God, I think even then, I sought escape more. And I didn't have a name for that peace that I was trying to find. And so, starting with that beer, you know, under that oak tree, I went on a, whoo, it was a several year just roller coaster and nosedive into really hardcore drug addiction. By 15, I was heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol. I experienced in high school sexual assault and violence related to, you know, my substance use. And so as a young person, especially as a young girl struggling with addiction, what I experienced was this cycle of substance use and trauma that caused me to feel like the most broken, shameful, dirty, not loved. Like I just remember feeling like I had this really heavy coat that I carried and it was painful and it was dark. And, you know, fast forward into my 20s, I survived, you know, an overdose, another sexual assault. And it just continued and propelled Stephanie until I came to a moment where I had a good friend who asked me, I knew he went to church with his family and I had been there a couple of times and I was still struggling with substance use. But he asked me if I knew Jesus. And I was like, you know, here's a Bible thumper. Like, I don't know. This is kind of weird. But I didn't. And I said, yes, I would like to know. At that point, I was so desperate for relief and desperate to know peace. And I think looking back to that little girl under that oak tree, like that was all I was looking for. I was looking for God. I was looking for love. I was looking for peace. And through a process of, for me, spiritual formation and also recovery, I discovered a life beyond my wildest dreams that God has delivered me from so much of the shame of my past. I can talk about it today without feeling that weight. I know I have been delivered. And I have this. My husband's like, yeah, you can't satisfy that desire because I just can't stop talking about recovery. And I can't stop talking about the freedom we experience. And that's what leads me today to, you know, start nonprofits and write books. And I'm managing editor for recovery.com, which is just such a blessing. So I do all of these things because I want, I don't want any young person, any girl, anyone to have to grow up looking for something that they, that they, you know, that peace. And so I want people to know it exists and you don't need to use substances to feel that. And if you experience hard things, we don't need to use drugs and alcohol to run from that. We can feel that, we can heal from it. We can discover a deep peace through community and fellowship. You know, for many of us, like this spiritual formation that happens in recovery, which brings us closer to God and is just a beautiful way to be. So that is a roundabout kind of explanation of how I've come to be chatting with you today, Stephanie. But I'm I'm so honored. I'm looking forward to talking about the book. And, you know, most of all, I'm I just I hope and I pray that the person listening to this right now will hear something today that connects them. Because we know the research shows today that almost every family is impacted by addiction in some way. So it's more important uh than ever to have conversations about recovery.

Why Language Matters: Identity Over Labels

SPEAKER_01 6:47

So I am sitting here thinking, oh my gosh, this is how God works, right? First of all, you went through this horrible experience, and now you are able to use your real experience to help other people. Because if someone is in the grips of addiction, and by the way, it can be any anywhere on the spectrum, you don't have to have overdosed on hard drugs. I mean, there are plenty of people who struggle with seemingly harmless things like wine or beer. I mean, so it's everyone knows kind of where they are on their own spectrum. And hearing your words makes me think, you are so credible, you are so authentic. You know, so if I read your words, I'm like, she knows what she's talking about. She has gone through this and she has come out on the other side. And she's come out with two things God and recovery, fellowship, and God uses that tool to bring you closer to Him. There's that line that I've related to many times in my life. Rock bottom is a firm foundation. Sometimes that's where we have to get to really surrender to God and say, okay, I'm ready. Look at that person who asked you if you knew Jesus, they took a real risk. And what a difference. So, anyway, I am so happy you're here because, like I said, people are listening. If it's not ourselves, it might be someone in our life. I heard you on a podcast recently, and you were interviewing a guest, and there were three key points that came out that I'd really like to talk about. One was the whole identity issue. So I've learned this recently. I've learned this from guests on my podcast. Instead of saying I am an addict, it is. I struggle with an addiction. You know, you wouldn't say I am cancer. Instead of saying, you know, I am depressed, like all Stephanie is, is this big depressed thing. No, I am struggling with depression right now. And who are what's your identity? As you said, sitting under that tree, you really just really didn't even realize you just wanted to feel loved by God. So, what is our identity? We're all loved by God just the way we are, but we sometimes have to take a real roundabout way to get to that. I certainly have taken a roundabout way to get to that. Could you talk more about that whole concept of addiction and identity?

Stigma’s Cost And Family Communication

SPEAKER_00 9:11

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for bringing that up because that's one of the key things that I think really important for family members and loved ones to understand. And I have a whole section in my book about letting go of labels. So when I did research for the book, what was so interesting was I found so many family members would begin talking about their loved ones, even if they were in recovery, with their condition first. So for example, they might say, my son, the addict, you know, or, you know, our our daughter, the alcoholic, is in recovery, or, you know, fill in the blank, right? So it was a it was always as if, like you shared, we're labeling someone with their condition first. But what's interesting about addiction is it's a really stigmatized condition. So we don't do that about like, we don't say, well, my brother's a diabetic, you know, or maybe we do and shouldn't. But, you know, we don't talk about someone with their condition first. And so I think when we're trying to support and love people who are struggling with substance use disorder or addiction, remembering that we're people first. And when we're treated with that dignity and respect of having folks talk about us without that label, it's really, really important and can be helpful with not only how we see ourselves, but research shows when we're stigmatized, we're less likely to get help. We're less likely to seek treatment when we need it. We carry more shame. So I say all this not to cast like blame or I hope no one feels like, oh, you know, guilty for having that language and a way to talk about it. I think as a society, it's not that parents or families want to harm their loved one by saying that. It's how we've been conditioned to talk about it. And so I think that's where a lot of my advocacy work, and I and I know a lot of folks out there in the recovery space beginning by talking about how, well, how do we talk about being in recovery? What does it mean? Those are really important things that we can help change the conversation about it socially. And, you know, families can start in in their homes. So I remember when I was in addiction treatment as a teen, and I was finished with that treatment. I think at the my first day was a 10-day treatment at an inpatient facility. And now this was back in like the late 90s. So that's all my parents' insurance could afford. And I remember coming back to my high school and I was in recovery at that point. I wanted to be sober. But the first day back in my high school, as soon as I walked down the halls, and I'll never forget, I started hearing the labels addict, you know, crackhead, just fill in the blanks of all of these really horrible things. Now, was it true that I had used substances? Yes. But is that who I was, or was that who I was trying to be? And no. But what that did for me was it it really set my recovery back. I ended up going back out. Of course, that was my choice then to use substances again, but it certainly didn't help me think about myself in a new way. So I encourage family members and loved ones, like when we're talking about our people that we care about, even if they go to, you know, part of their recovery is going to an AA meeting. And, you know, it's pretty common knowledge. You introduce yourself. Hi, I'm Caroline. You know, I'm an alcoholic. Even if they do that in their private recovery program does not mean that we need to talk about our loved ones that way and in public. And even if I've done certain types of recovery programs in the past, I will never identify as an addict or an alcoholic today. I won't, because it's not who I am. Was it part of my experience? Yes. But it's not who I am as a daughter of God. And I remember, I don't know if you all are familiar with if gatherings, but there's one coming up, Jenny Allen hosts them, and I'm so excited. I'm taking my daughter the first time ever going in person. So, anyways, so pumped about that. But I was at an early if gathering, and there was an exercise we did where she had on a card all of these Bible verses printed off. And you had to replace your name before each of the verses, you know, and just speaking this life and this truth over ourselves. And I remember I was probably in my mid-20s, late 20s at that time. And I was reading this card and I was reading all these things that God says about me in his word. And I was just weeping, just weeping and shaking and so overcome by the truth. And I think that we can give that gift and in a good way, overcome in a good way. We can give that gift to our loved ones, you know. So yeah, it's a really important thing, Stephanie. Thank you for bringing that topic uh to the forefront.

SPEAKER_01 13:43

Yeah, and I think that most of us know someone who's on the, you know, somewhere on the spectrum when we talk about recovery, you know, it's not always black and white. So if we say, you know, my loved one is drinking or he's not. If he's not, then he's in recovery. But if he's drinking at all, then he's off the wagon. So this black and white thinking. And I heard you talk about a concept I never heard of before, which was harm reduction. And being it gave me a sense of being more compassionate to people along the spectrum. Let me not define my loved one in this black and white way. Let me look at the progress they've made towards drinking less or whatever it is. Could you talk about harm reduction of this concept, which was a new one to me?

Beyond All-Or-Nothing: Harm Reduction

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Yeah, yeah. Well, and it's a new one for a lot of folks. I mean, I think it's been around for a long time, but more just accepted generally. And it's something I like to talk about because we in the past have had this kind of black or white, either you're abstinent or you're, you know, you're using substances, and there's kind of no gray area. And I think for a lot of people, especially if you're maybe concerned about your drinking, you don't feel like you're quote unquote, you know, an alcoholic, but like you're, well, you know, maybe I use it too much or I want to stop drinking for health reasons, and there's a whole, you know, alcohol-free movement. There is space, there is that gray area to work with uh mental health professionals, to join communities. I have good friends that do a lot around the alcohol-free or sober curious kind of culture. There's space to try sobriety or try reduction, reducing your use, or try these different approaches that might not completely eliminate the harm caused by the substance, but it reduces it. And I think many of us who are in abstinence-based recovery today, which I am, have experienced seasons of harm reduction. And even, you know, after high school and college, I was going to a Big 10 university and trying to be in recovery. And I had, I had recovery from very hard substances, but being in a university as a 20-something, it's like, well, alcohol is pretty socially accepted. And so I was having a hard time, like, well, I think this is okay. And so I was drinking and, you know, but I wasn't using other substances. I didn't realize at the time I was actually practicing harm reduction. I was still harming my body in a sense, but I was reducing harm by not using other substances. And so what finally helped me was having that support for mental health and addressing some of my trauma, like we've talked about before. And so that helped me realize well, my reducing harm is actually, I've been self-medicating. So when I learn other coping strategies and when I learn other ways to treat my mental health, something amazing happens that I don't need harm harm reduction either, you know, that there's other ways to heal. And that's my experience. But some people, they practice harm reduction for longer term. And that's, you know, I'm it's gonna be a little controversial. Like for me, that's okay. You know, if you're still alive and you're breathing because you're smoking cannabis and you're not shooting heroin, I'm really glad about that. And I know there's a lot of people out there right now, especially with like the fentanyl crisis and how fatal substances are, especially the synthetic substances. We need to talk about harm reduction, I feel like, in order to save lives. This black or white thinking, we we can't do that anymore because mothers are losing their children. 200 people a day are still dying from fentanyl overdose. So we need to talk about these other approaches that are evidence-based. There's been a ton of research on harm reduction. Again, I appreciate you bringing some of these topics to the forefront that maybe some folks haven't heard of before. But again, I'm gonna shamelessly plug my book. Get my book when you love someone in recovery, because I talk about these issues from an evidence-based perspective. This isn't just my story, although, you know, I do have that personal experience to back it up, but this is synthesizing decades of research and really looking at the top academics, researchers, scientists in this field who've made tons of progress in looking at how we can support folks who are struggling with addiction. And it looks very different than it did several decades ago.

Culture, Judgment, And Social Pressure

SPEAKER_01 18:14

Yeah. And it's so complicated because we have such positive social feedback. Or I'm going to use drinking as an example. But I live in Colorado, where I was the first state to legalize marijuana. And now many states, most states have, but you know, now it's that's accepted. And so there's this social acceptance and almost social pressure. Why aren't you drinking at a party? At the same time, we have this as if you go over that line, whatever that line is in your mind, we can be extremely judgmental about it. So it's so complicated. On the one hand, it's socially acceptable. On the other hand, we can be very judgmental. One of the things I love to hear you talk about is how we can be supportive of our friends or relatives who are going through recovery. You told a story about, you know, someone knows about a friend, say a friend in book club, whose son or daughter might be in rehab. And how do you act? What do you say? Uh, what about your friend in book club who was in rehab herself and now she comes back to book club? What do we say? What do we do? How can we be the loving, supportive friends we want to be? We just don't know how. That's what our book's about. That's why we need the book. But give us a little cliff notes.

How To Support Loved Ones In Recovery

SPEAKER_00 19:39

Yeah, well, I I have this thing that's kind of come to mind was it's just like, let's not make it weird. You know, let's just not make it, we don't need to make it this thing that feels like this awkward barrier, right? And I've had friends, because I I'm a part of, you know, a small group. We've switched churches, but um at our old church and a group of moms, like we'd go out for dinner at this fancy restaurant once a month. My favorite time of the month. I love this dinner. You know, I'm the only one in recovery. So I get my mocktail and everyone else has their glass of wine. And I feel strong enough in my recovery, like I'm good, I'm good. Okay. There have been times that that wouldn't have been good for me. But we joke about it. I make jokes with the waitress about, you know, well, you don't want me to have a drink because I'll be standing on the table, you know, by the end of dinner, and we can kind of chuckle about it. But like it's it's not a weird like thing. Like I just was very upfront initially and I let people know, and and this is on me. This is my recovery. I said, you know, hey, I'm in recovery. And that conversation took a while for me to have. I needed to feel like I could trust them and that they would be supportive. And I said, I'm in recovery. Like when we go out for dinner, I want you all to have a good time, you know, and I'll let you know if I feel uncomfortable and I'll leave, like, because I'm in charge of my recovery. We have agency. And so I think a lot of times people are worried about, well, they're in recovery. You know, do we have alcohol at the house or what do we do? Just ask. You know, you can just ask. One of the things I love to tell people is, you know, always have alcohol-free options. You don't know who's in recovery. You know, you don't know if maybe someone did just come back for treatment. So make sure you have, and I'll recommend like have a mock tail bar, make it look cute, you know, but have options for people where it's not weird. Like there's alcohol, but here's here's the NA options. Or like, wow, surprise everyone. Like, just have an NA event, you know, like, hey, we're going alcohol free tonight. I've I've been to a lot of actually events that are not recovery where they have mock tail bars. And because being alcohol free is so good for your health and your skin, people are like, especially the younger generations, are like a lot more people are alcohol free. So it's just more normalized, you know. So I think the more that we can act not awkward about it, but just have it be, it's just part of being healthy for some of us, you know, and open up space. If our loved ones want to talk more about their recovery or maybe our friends or acquaintances, open up that space with curiosity, but we don't need to like just zero in and focus on it. Just like we wouldn't want someone to do that with us if we had, you know, I don't know, irritable bowel syndrome or, you know, some other condition, right? It's just like, let's just, let's just have, let's have gluten free options, you know, let's have, let's have alcohol free options. It just can just be part of of what we do and how we show up. For everyone. So yeah. So I I hope that's helpful. But I think, I think just understanding that I've had people in the past be like too. I say I'm in recovery. Oh, I'm so sorry. You know, oh my gosh. It's like someone, you know, my dog passed or something. Like, oh, I'm just so sorry for you. Like, when does when is it over? How long do you have to do this for? But it's like, you know, I just want to be like, it's actually a really good thing. Like, I am so grateful today. You know, there's so many reasons from health benefits to, you know, skin benefits.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

And, you know, it has beautiful skin, by the way. I'm I'm looking at her right now.

SPEAKER_00 22:56

People comment sometimes. They're like, wow, you don't look like you're, you know, in your mid 40s. I'm like, I'm telling you, if you quit using drugs and alcohol, like it's good for your body. But mental health benefits, you know, I have so much fun today, a lot more fun than when I was using, of course. But, you know, it's a really positive thing that we can celebrate. And what a mindset shift for all of us when we don't have to look at our loved ones who can't use us like we're pitying them or, you know, so sorry for them. And what do we do? It's like, no, let's celebrate them. Let's be excited. Let's have options that they can have different types of drinks or different activities. You know, let's let's make it let's make it joyful because it is.

Mental Health, Self-Medicating, And Healing

SPEAKER_01 23:35

I agree. And at my age, I I I told Caroline before this started, I'm 62. We have a group of couples that for years we've gotten together for happy hour. I'd say there are five couples, so that's 10 people. And today, five out of 10 don't drink at all. Those people all stopped for health reasons because at our age, you got to do everything you possibly can to make sure that we're around for a while. But it is interesting. Everyone said, yeah, I sleep better, I feel better. But there is something that is important, Caroline. And you brought up the whole mental health piece. I don't want to minimize the people who are using substances to feel better, to self-medicate, to avoid having to deal with some pretty hard stuff or not even knowing how to deal with some hard stuff. So it's not, it's it's much simpler to say I'm gonna drink a non-alcoholic beer when I don't have a substance problem. I am not minimizing people who have substance issues. And so I think the most important thing is what you're addressing is let's help people with their mental health. Even if someone says, you know, it's social anxiety, that's the reason I have to have a drink socially. Well, okay, let's address that. Let's understand that. Let's look at that. And that is how I think you are really using, I'm gonna call it a ministry, your profession, to reach people to say, let's look at the mental health and how can we help you to really do the work, right? You have to do the work. And there are people, you have all kinds of resources. Tell us about if someone is listening to this and says, you know, I might have an issue myself, or I have a loved one who has an issue. What are some next steps? What if your website, your books, could you tell us what would be your advice to someone who's just asking the question? What do I do?

Practical Next Steps And Resources

SPEAKER_00 25:27

Yeah, great question. Well, of course, first I would say, uh, get the book, uh, get my new book, When You Love Someone in Recovery. And I always say this, my husband's like, don't say that. But you know, if class is an issue for any reason, send me an email, find me online, and we'll make sure you get a copy. Educate yourself about substance use disorder and educate yourself about those ways that you can approach your loved one. I include a lot of that in the book. I think the other thing is making sure to remember we don't need to be accusatory or controlling. Being available and just being there to listen and being curious, you know, asking open-ended questions. How are you doing? I've noticed it seems like you're more stressed or things have changed at work, or can you tell me more about that? So asking these questions that shows you care, but doesn't necessarily like feel like you're interrogating. It's more like an open, compassionate response. And I think the other one is being ready with resources when your loved one or maybe you, when you when you're like, I think I need help and I need help now. And what the research shows is sometimes there's a very small window of time where I wonder if God kind of opens that window a little bit where we in our minds, even if we're really struggling with our substance use disorder, we'll be like very clear-headed and and thinking logically of like, you know what, this isn't working for me. I need help right now. Sometimes there's a very small window where that thinking aligns with what actions we're going to be taking. So to have resources ready right then, so that our loved ones can get the help they need. And I work my day job uh by day, you know, is uh managing editor of recovery.com. And so I love talking about recovery.com. You go online, it's like the simplest place to look for addiction or mental health treatment. You can search by what uh condition you're struggling with, location, any specific considerations. So maybe you're a woman and you want a women's only uh support, or you want help with your trauma and your substance use disorder. So I would highly recommend searching on recovery.com. It's an awesome option for folks as well. So those are a couple of different ideas. And then lastly, I always encourage, you know, for those of us in recovery, we know that community is key. My Substack newsletter is called Circle of Chairs because I believe we need this community in our life. We can't do this in isolation. And that goes for loved ones too. So maybe you don't struggle with addiction personally, but you have a loved one that does. There are tons of support groups and different supports available for you too. So again, you can reach out through my website. I'm happy to connect you with something locally. Uh, recovery.com also has family uh resources, different types of therapy groups, support groups. So find what works for you, but realize you don't have to do this alone. And you're not like the outlier, right? I think we used to think that if we had addiction in our home, sitting around our kitchen table, like somehow our family was bad, there was something wrong with us, we were the odd ones out. These days, if you don't have addiction going on in your circle in your life, I mean, I just want to say most people do, you know, you're the odd one out then. So don't feel like you can't ask for help because it's this condition that only affects you. There are millions of people right now struggling with addiction and millions of people who are in recovery. So you're not alone.

Preorder Perks, Community, And Closing

SPEAKER_01 28:59

That is so great. I really didn't understand that recovery.com offered all of that. That is wonderful. That is wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

It's amazing. And I used to, when I worked for a recovery community organization, I would get calls almost daily of people needing treatment or family members needing treatment for their loved one or help. And it would take me hours of Googling, making calls, all the things. And it was so frustrating. It was really hard. And yeah, today, when people do that and they still do, I'm like, look, here's a website, and you'll find what you need. And so, yeah, it is really, really amazing. Um, so that's great.

SPEAKER_01 29:32

And let's and your website is your name. So it's Caroline Bidler. I'm gonna have it in the show notes, but it's spelled B-E-I-D-L-E-R, CarolineBidler.com. Lots of easy ways to connect with Caroline to find out if you pre-order her book, her book comes out in April. So if you pre-order it on her website, what do you get? You get some extra things.

SPEAKER_00 29:57

Oh my gosh, my favorite thing. So I recorded a live video interview with my husband talking about loving someone in recovery, specifically me, but also like what he's learned. And it's a very candid, I want to say it's a little bit awkward at first. Um, bless my husband. He's so sweet. It's just a really candid and open conversation. So you'll get a link to that. You will get a discussion guide, family recovery planning guide. What else will you get? You'll get a first part of my book, audio style with me narrating. So a lot of really fun perks. And plus, I just yeah, I just love connecting with folks too. So maybe, you know, reach out via my website or Substack. You can find me on Circle of Chairs also. And your podcast. Yes, so Circle of Chairs, an addiction and mental health podcast. So you can find that anywhere. And I would love for you to listen along.

SPEAKER_01 30:53

Yeah, I listen to it, so I recommend it. But anyway, thank you so much for your time. She has this book coming out, she has lots of podcasts, so I'm trying to stick to a schedule. But I so appreciate that you spent time with us. Thanks so much. Thank you, Stephanie. I appreciate it.