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Pivotal People
What Sports Are Doing to Our Kids’ Identity (And How to Fix It)
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We talk with sports counselor Brooke Ewert about what athlete mental health really looks like behind the highlights and why support often starts with identity, grief, and better conversations at home. We share practical tools for anxiety, injury, perfectionism, and retirement transitions that apply to elite athletes and to the rest of us too.
• the difference between performance-focused sports psychology and sports counseling centered on mental health
• how athletes and teammates help break stigma and normalize therapy
• asking “Who are you away from your sport?” to build identity beyond athletics
• using CBT to challenge negative self-talk and reduce black-and-white thinking
• why injury can trigger anxiety and depression and how support changes recovery
• integrating faith as a source of strength and stability during transition points
• making room to grieve failures before rushing to lessons and silver linings
• goal setting with micro-goals and visible reminders to prevent skipping joy
• setting parent boundaries around postgame feedback and car-ride conflict
• what parent motivations can be under the surface and how that impacts kids
• how quitting or getting cut can shake identity and community, especially in college
For more information or to contact Brooke about counseling, reach out to Rocky Mountain Sports Counseling Center in Englewood, Colorado
https://rockymountainsportscounselingcenter.com/
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Welcome And Guest Introduction
SPEAKER_01I would like to welcome Brooke Ewert to the Pivotal People podcast. Brooke is a sports counselor and she works with elite athletes. She actually specializes in supporting athletes as they work through mental health crisis, injury, and retirement. And I've heard her speak a couple of times. And I actually thought her strategies applied to all of us, whether we're an elite athlete or not. It may come as a surprise to you that I'm actually not an elite athlete, but I do take a walk every day. The other thing that resonated with me is that so many of us were parents. Our kids went through sports, and maybe there were some bumps in the road with that. Or, like me, now many of us are grandparents. And so I think what Brooke has to share with us today will really help all of us with our perspective on what is a relatively new area, the whole idea of sports counselors. So she's the owner of Rocky Mountain Sports Counseling Center, which is in the suburbs of Denver. And I'm just really looking forward to hearing what you have to share with us, Brooke. Thanks so much for being here.
SPEAKER_00Thank you so much, too.
SPEAKER_01So as I was listening to you, one thing that you said was that when you got into sports counseling, it really wasn't even a thing. So tell us about, you know, when this started and what prompted you to go into this area.
How Sports Counseling Took Shape
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So a little bit about my story. So I grew up in Southern California at a school that had quite a few good athletes. And I was super curious about what differentiated like a good athlete from a great athlete. And then stumbled upon a class that was about sports and psychology. And I just was like completely hooked in college. I thought this is it, this is what I want to do. I got married in college, which was pretty rare.
SPEAKER_01And she's still married. Yes.
SPEAKER_0031 years later. But they when we moved here, there really weren't any programs except for at the graduate level that had the same degree. So I actually went into teaching first, which has actually been kind of a side part of my story too. But I taught for a few years and then we started having kids. And then we saw our kids go through sports. And I started asking this question when I started seeing really poor parenting choices of how they talk to their kids after sporting events. Who's helping the kids who are going through mental health crisis or just need support? And the answer kind of always came back as a void. Like, there's really no one out there doing what you're kind of wanting to do with the mental health side of sport. It was much more of the sport psychology, meaning performative work was being done. And so I went back to grad school as an adult. My kids were in middle school, high early high school, middle school, and elementary school. And it took me four years to get through grad school with four kids. My motto was do the best that you can with four kids in grad school. When I graduated, I opened up Rocky Mountain Sports Counseling Center and thought everyone's just going to pour right in. You know, everyone's just going to know. Like this is just the place to go. And that was not the story. My story was one of having to work really hard to open up a business. And the athletes that started coming to me all came through referrals from physical therapists or parents that I had known that knew this is what I did. And so it's really interesting now. If you had told me nine years ago this is where the field would be, I would have never believed you because it has grown so much. And I think a lot of it has been athletes actually speaking up about their mental health and advocating for themselves and their peers. And really the awareness of people knowing that this is actually something that is a, you know, a sidestep from sports psych, that this is something that is exclusively focused on athletes and their mental health. And again, that doesn't mean there's no performative work that's ever done, meaning I'm not, I'm working through goals and I'm working on their strengths and all the things that go with performance. But my philosophy is that once you get mental health, like the anxiety or depression or eating disorders, all the things that kind of fall under the categories of mental health somewhat subsided and taken care of, or at least have good skills around them, you know, to take care of them or to learn for the athlete to know how to deal with it themselves. They tend to performatively increase significantly. And so that's kind of a little bit of our story. And then just a little side note, our second daughter is actually a professional ballerina. And so that was part of our story too, was watching a daughter grow up and have these go through some of these same trials. But then also on the parenting side, having to learn how to navigate that and what she needed from us and what she didn't need from us and how to listen and how to walk alongside of her and the good and the bad times, but also just to encourage her. And that was such a big part of, I feel like what I'm empowering parents to do when they come in with their kids or their athletes, if they're still within their family system, which they obviously always are, but if the athlete is still kind of on the younger side, like I'd say college and down, it feels like that's a pretty big part of their story still.
SPEAKER_01When you explain the difference between sports psychology, performative, versus sports counseling, where you're supporting mental health, you can be a high performer and hide your mental health. And what I appreciated in hearing you speak is that you are helping and perhaps just things that have happened over the past several years in our country around mental health, that you're destigmatizing these mental health issues and how important it is for us to destigmatize this. Because in some cases, you talked about for sophomores and juniors in high school, this is a real stressful time. If you're, you know, the star on the baseball team and you you're getting pressure, you you want to get a college scholarship, but perhaps there's some parental pressure there too. Then all of a sudden, this sport that they just love so much that was fun becomes a pressure cooker. And what I really appreciated, and for all of us listening, is that most of your referrals come from someone other than the athlete. So I think that's wonderful. That's destigmatizing mental health issues.
SPEAKER_00Well, and I think part of that too is athletes speaking up for themselves, but also for their peers. And I think that's been like probably one of the most exciting things is to see athletes saying, Oh, I struggle with this, but I know someone who can help you. And so once they, you know, have kind of broken the stigma themselves on their team, and often it's one of the top performers, which is actually really fun because they'll, you know, their teammates are like, if they're going, like I probably should be going. So it's kind of like a little bit of a snowball effect that you see. And I think it's so powerful when they speak to their peers on their teams and say, like, this is what I've gotten from it, or this is how it's helped me. And then if they're not, you know, even if a teammate isn't struggling with a similar, a similar issue, they can also work on their issues in a therapy room too, which I think is this room that I'm in is my therapy room. And the walls are gray for a reason because I think athletes get very black and white about things. And so the walls are gray. So we can sit in the gray a little bit, not be so, so focused on the winning and losing, but on the things that are going on in their life that sometimes affect the winning or the losing, too.
SPEAKER_01What are some of the tools and strategies that you use with athletes? So let's talk about who your clients are. What kind of age range are we talking about? What kind of circumstances are they in?
SPEAKER_00So most of the athletes that come, I would say, are probably pretty elite high school athletes. So they're definitely aiming towards college. Um that doesn't mean that they're always in that category, but I would say that's kind of like the parents are starting to see some of like, as you spoke about the pressure points or struggling with, you know, again, the black and white categories of wins and losses or times. So I would say it's like a high, like probably a junior or senior now is like kind of where I would say most of them start. And then from there, the collegiate athletes who maybe start with me from the beginning or you know, some coming in. And then professional and Olympic athletes come from referrals from within their like system or their team. And then my first baseline question is to kind of figure out who they are away from sport because I think it tells a big part of their story. So I was just speaking with another therapist today. We were at coffee, and I was telling her probably within the first 50 minutes of their session, I asked the question, who are you away from your sport? And because I'm really trying to like figure out if they have an identity outside of their sport. Often athletes, it's like a the athlete identity is like a circle, and then there's ripple effects and it just keeps going and going, and it's like everything is about sport. And then I'm like, well, who are your support systems outside? So I try to get a good lay of the land of who they are as an individual away from sport so that when they're having to, if they so happen to get injured, because that's another huge group that ends up coming to a sports counseling facility, is athletes who are injured because they are really in like the throes of anxiety and depression of like, how am I gonna get back to my sport? So, with that, the strategies that I use is a lot of goal setting. We work on a lot of strengths. I work through the lens of cognitive behavioral therapy. So I'm constantly thinking about like the thoughts, behaviors that are going along together and how to separate them. I will sometimes say it's like two dots, and I'm trying to snip them in the middle with a with the scissors, and or sometimes we do try to connect dots and figure out what's actually going on in all these different areas of their life. Why are all these dots connected? So we work through negative cognitions, like what's the negative brain talking about? What's the negative brain saying to the athlete? So really trying to like pull back the curtain to some degree on what's going on. And then, you know, obviously with each mental health disorder, there's kind of its own little area you're kind of funneling them through, but really looking, I'm like such a big person of like strengths. Like, where are your strengths? How are you, what tools do you already have? And then building up the tools that they don't have so that when they go back to sport, they have all the necessary tools to help them get through.
Faith And Transition Points After Sport
SPEAKER_01I've heard you talk about, you know, if faith is important to an athlete. I love this, you know, if their definition of themselves, their whole childhood, because these athletes would have been starting in preschool probably. And you've got the parents at the sideline, whether they're neutral or really not neutral. So this has been their whole life experience in most cases. So their identity, you I hear you talk about, you know, their issues, anxiety, identity, and perfectionism. Well, identity applies to all of us. You know, for those of us who are retired, who are you now? You know, when our kids leave home and you're not the stay-at-home mom anymore, who are you now? You know, any of us should be could be asking these questions and saying, okay, who am I now? So how do you counsel athletes who it's clear to you that their faith is important to them?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I love working with athletes with faith. And I think that's actually a lot of athletes seek me out that way if they have faith and they're really wanting that to be a big part of it. So we talk a lot about identity in in Christ or who their identity is away from sport, but also just like that baseline of like knowing that that's their source of strength is so encouraging to me. But you know, and there's ups and downs. I mean, this is like kind of life, like in general, you kind of see a lot of analogies that will play out in their life and other stages too, right? And like having to rely upon their faith or prayer or scripture, you know, to get them through. And then you have these athletes who are just like, you're like, oh, they would just be such a great representative, you know, at the Olympics and they have such a strong faith and they it doesn't, they don't make it. And then, you know, dealing with the the sorrow that goes along with it and the grief, but also knowing that they have something else that's like where their their attention's gonna turn to after sport. And I think those are I always categorize it. They're like sometimes the ones I worry about the least in retirement. And retirement's a huge piece of like what I do because I think, I mean, eventually every athlete's gonna retire, right? And so that's a big, big piece of it for me is making sure that the athlete is prep for retirement or when their life is going to shift. I call it the transition points. And so, even like you said, like moms are gonna transition. I've gone through that myself. It's a really interesting transition. You think, well, what am I gonna do now that the kids aren't here? But you just invest, I'm like just like investing time in different ways and areas, whether that's church or whether that's through neighbors or community. I'm just I think we all have so many gifts we can share. And so it's kind of what I even see with athletes. So I'm like, you have all these amazing like qualities that are gonna go into something else. And you just have to like actually get them to take a couple of steps back and see it.
Failure Grief And Perfectionism
SPEAKER_01One of the things you talked about that got me thinking was the whole idea of okay, these elite athletes may struggle with perfectionism, you know, that helped them become successful. So when a failure naturally happens, whether it's a small failure or a big one, you talked about, and this was to all of us, right? You talked about how to deal with failure. It's quick, it's easy to say, oh gosh, I just learned something from that, without you talked about without allowing time to grieve. So, how do you walk athletes through failure?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I mean, I think you hit it right there. I mean, I think it's part of it is looking at the failure and what they can learn from it. I think also properly grieving it. I've had athletes miss Olympics a lot, and that's really sad and hard, and that's a lot of time and a lot of training. But I think, you know, giving them the grace and the space to actually like process through what they experienced and not again, not putting it in black and white categories, but looking at all the things that can come, the good that can come from it, you know. And then I think part of it is just, you know, perfectionism is just not a reality. We cannot, we cannot be perfect all the time and every single thing. And there are going to be some people who rise, you know, it looks like they kind of had the perfect life or the perfect sport story. And it's like, that is probably that's probably not true in any way. They probably had a lot of grittiness and resiliency that helped them to get through. But I think, you know, failure for me is just such a launching point. I love, like I'm sometimes I like when the failures are very pretty, like very clear and presented in a session because we can kind of get to deeper levels about what's actually going on behind the scenes for them or how it ties into their family story or how it ties into their future, like their thoughts about what were going to happen in the future. And just to, you know, like I said, to grieve it, but also, you know, to see what we can learn from it and what we're gonna gain from it. I think those are sometimes the the ones, the things that we try to avoid are the failures, but I think we learn from them more than we actually do from the wind sometimes, too.
Goal Setting That Builds Real Momentum
SPEAKER_01I would agree. And, you know, now when I think about the people who I am most drawn to, you know, the people who you want to be good friends with, there's just something about them. And when you get to know those people, they have always gone through something really hard. They've always gone through something really hard and they've come out on the other side as a richer person. Yeah, the other thing you talked about was the other side of the coin, which is setting goals and achieving success. And how, again, applies to all of us, how you can do a couple of things. One is you can get close to the goal, and without allowing yourself the joy of experiencing that success, you move the goal, you make it harder. You say, Oh, okay, well, or how about when you actually do achieve the goal, skipping over that so quickly and moving on to the next thing? So there isn't any time to celebrate. I mean, do you see this quite a bit with athletes?
SPEAKER_00I think with driven people, that I I listened to a podcast earlier here, and it was about driven people. And I think it's a very common theme. I thought it was just like an athlete thing, but I think just driven people in general, you know, have set goals and then they get to the goal and they're like, they don't even remember the goal because they've already moved past that goal and they didn't celebrate it. And I think that's a a really, really big part of this, I think in sports counseling for me is like knowing all the time what my athletes need or want, whether that's in therapy, whether that's in sports, because I feel like it's really hard to know where you're going if you like don't have a roadmap or you don't have, you know, some sort of a navigational tool that's gonna help you to achieve the things you want. So, like just even taking a step back, you know, one of the main things I would say probably in first two or three sessions is goal setting for me. And I say, like, I'm gonna help you, like I'll give you some of the things I think you could work on, but like, what are the goals you want? So we usually break them up into categories of short term, long term, some intermediate goals, or I'll call those like micro goals, things that'll help you to get to the things that you want to achieve. So usually the last goal is something that won't even be achieved in that year. I call it the carrot goal or like, you know, the goal you're chasing. You know, for an Olympic athlete, that might be to win a medal. But, you know, the the nine above it are gonna be goals you more than likely will hit that year. And it's some of them are gonna take a while, some might take the whole year, some might be tomorrow. You know, you might hit a goal or a personal best or, you know, a strength goal that you were wanting to hit in the weight room. So I think the nice thing about goals, and I do this too, and I tell my athletes, I think it's super directive for you. And it doesn't mean like if you only get five out of 10, you failed. You still got five goals that you are working towards, and you should be constantly reevaluating them and changing them. And so if you hit seven out of ten and it's January, well, we've got to come up with some other goals because just like what how are we gonna get from February to December? So each athlete, once they kind of go through goal setting, we revisit them pretty frequently. I would say probably monthly. I'll say, like, hey, where are we on the goals? Do you need to shift any? Do you need to change any? Because revising, changing, you know, making new ones is just as healthy part is a healthy part of goal setting as well. And it's so helpful for them because they're like, oh, I got it. Like, I got that goal. Okay, now, you know, cross it off. Next one, you know. So I think athletes love homework assignments, they love tangible things that they can hold on to and take with them. A big part of that for me too is like keeping their goals really close to them, meaning it's on a note card, it's on a sticky note, put it in front of your, you know, if you're sitting at a desk, put it in front of your desk so you can see it every day. It's annoying. You know, you want to make sure that the things you're working towards. And again, they don't always have to be athlete goals in the sense like, I'm going to get this personal best. Sometimes it's about eating, sometimes it's about reading a book, sometimes it's about non-athletic things just to keep them motivated. They're already so motivated, but I want them to have the tangible things that'll keep them motivated towards their goals.
Parents Pressure Boundaries And When Kids Quit
SPEAKER_01And what I also hear is the affirmation piece because I'm I'm thinking to myself, I say I want X, Y, Z. I say I want to, you know, have more listeners for my podcast. Is that a tangible goal? Or is it, you know, first of all, what's the why? And then second of all, make a list of the specific tasks or the specific measurable objectives. So when you have athletes write this stuff down, what's also happening is they can't skip over the success of it. Right. It's tangible. And we can all do this with ourselves if you can't get to Denver, Colorado and counsel with Brooke. We can look at, you know, coming up with something tangible and feeling good about that, even if you're, and I'm saying this with air quotes, just a retired mom. Just a retiree. I never asked that question, what do you do? Because for those of us who are retired, the answer is always, I'm just retired. I learned this from one of our podcast guests. I asked, What do you like to do? Everyone has an answer to that question. And it's generally not what they used to do for a career. I digress. My point is, I love how you talk about really being specific on goals, writing them down, but also having the accountability of you with the athlete. I'm sitting here thinking, okay, would my husband sit down with me and my goals? I could list them because I'll tell you, he'd like the accountability part. He'd make sure that I did what I wrote down. But that makes a difference, right? You have somebody, you have someone involved. Okay, here's my favorite thing to talk about. Having had two sons who went through, you know, little league and then high school sports and seeing a lot of parents on the sidelines, seeing a lot of lots of conversations with other parents about their kids. Um, maybe we were those parents on the sidelines. Let's talk about the challenge of parents maybe driving kids. Or do you ever counsel with parents about their impact on the athlete?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, it's such a fine line, right? Because the athlete is usually the person who's in the session, but sometimes it is the parent that is part of the problem. And I I put that in air quotes. I think they're trying their best. I think they're trying to do what they think is right, maybe the way they were parented by their parent. You know, I try to look at the whole the whole picture. Recently, I had a kiddo in here that the dad is the coach, and she's really struggling, uh, working with dad as a coach. And And so trying to bring the family system into therapy, having conversations with dad or mom, you know, on different at different times, um, just trying to figure out how we can all help her to become the best athlete that she wants to be. And I think too kind of taking some steps back and even just some parenting advice, you know, like, hey, like I wonder when the conversations could stop. Like, is it it we kind of starting to give some boundary points to parents, like, hey, do we want the conversations to be in the car? Or does that feel like it's an area that is contentious and going to cause arguments? Okay, does do the conversations stop at the field? If the coach is giving advice, do you need to give advice? So kind of coming up with somewhat of a plan and some boundary points. And then also just kind of, I think most, I really try to hold this space of they really do care. They really love their kid, they want the best, like, you know, all the things that we do want for our kids. I think it's just the valuation that they're putting on it or the value that they have for what success is gonna look like. And is it like I want my kid to get to college and pay for college? And that's a long, that's a long process from a nine-year-old or a 10-year-old, like to college. We don't know what their sports story is gonna be like. So just letting them find the joy of sport is such a big part to me. And then, you know, again, this is kind of like our parenting philosophy with athletes has just been if they ask for help or they ask for advice, we will give it. We will say, you know, like, would you like my advice right now? So we're kind of opening the invitation to them if they're asking for support. And if not, we really just try to keep our mouth quiet. And they're, I mean, with our daughter, I mean, being a professional athlete, you kind of they know they know what they need to do. But I think even in the earlier years, you know, just even just supporting and loving and caring for her just felt so much more important than actually doling out advice. It's not our job. I I that's kind of our our thought is that's their coach's job, it's not our job. And I think if you can sit and even if you can find a 50-50 split of where that feels healthy or what you feel like if your kid is not motivated, then there's probably more issues, you know, going on about are they in the right sport? That's interesting.
SPEAKER_01So I'm sitting here thinking, one of the things you said when I heard you speak was getting underneath what the parents' motivation is. Now it's logical, you would say a college scholarship, that's a pretty good reason, but it's a very small number of students who end up getting a college scholarship. Okay, then you know, getting into professional sports, well, my gosh, that's a smaller number. But you talked about the reality that for a lot of parents, that sports team is their community. Yeah. And if their kid quit or got cut, that I've seen this happen with friends whose kids were cut from the high school varsity team. And now they were not a part of the parents' group, which was doing the traveling and having lots of fun. And then there's the other issue you talked about was perhaps one of the parents was vicariously living through their kids' sports experience because perhaps they had a great sports experience, or perhaps they didn't. But either way, they're getting a second chance for their kid.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, the vicarious living through is always really interesting because you know, I think you're right, like it could be that, right? But it's also like asking good questions around what do you want their experience to be like, right? You're kind of trying to separate the two. But yeah, the community piece is huge. And I think that's often where I see when a kiddo comes in, when I say kiddo, you know, anyone probably all through college say, I don't want to do this anymore. And the parents put up like so much resistance to it. And I think part of it is they've they're going to lose their community as well. They're not going to be able to identify their daughter or son as an athlete. And I always say, when I hear a kid say, I want to quit, they've been thinking about for a long time. It's just the the word just got verbalized out, and then the parent is trying to catch up very quickly. So they start throwing up a lot of resistance of like, well, you haven't you haven't even you haven't even done all the things you said you wanted to do. You know, I think they're just either burnt out or they're just ready to move on and do something different, and it's just not where their their heart is anymore. And I think the parents, to be fair, are trying to catch up to that a lot. And so when it's been thought of for six months internally and now it's verbalized, that's that's hard for a parent.
SPEAKER_01You're right. Okay, so they have to catch up. And then of course, getting cut is a shock to everyone. And that's where you really have to step in with your identity. Yeah. So do you counsel athletes who've been cut from teams?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. I mean, I I think it happens probably more infrequently at the high school level, because I feel like athletes, this isn't just a again, blanket statement. High school athletes tend to have like a lot of other interests, you know, or they have friends and not everybody's doing the exact same thing. I think when that, when they get cut from a team and it's in college, it's very deeply impactful because that's why they went to the school. They gave up a lot of their life in college. And I've seen this happen quite a few times now, where they're cut and then they're like, I don't even know why I'm at this college anymore, or I don't know what I'm gonna do because this was my whole community here. And so I think those are the times where it really does impact identity. And then like going back to the grief process, and now you have a big grief process because they're kind of lost or flailing and don't know where to ground themselves or settle again.
Finding Support And Contact Resources
SPEAKER_01Yes, we've all seen that happen. But I'm glad that you're doing this work. I mean, you've done this for almost 10 years, nine years. I'm sure you've seen hundreds of athletes in that time made a difference in that many lives. How could people get in touch with you, even if they're not in the Denver area? Do you have any resources to help parents or athletes through what you do with athletes?
SPEAKER_00So this year I finished writing my dissertation on athletes in retirement, and I'll be publishing that, whether it's in a book form or in a journal about really how to prepare for the end, because I think that's actually like a huge conversation point too. But I think, you know, they can obviously reach out to Rocky Mount Sports Counseling Center and in um Inglewood, Colorado. But also just sometimes even it just helps us to like bounce ideas around if you have an athlete and they're really struggling with something and just even knowing the support systems that are around the country. The nice thing is being kind of one of the first out of the gate, you know, who in general in areas who work with athletes and who our community or our network is definitely growing. And so even that, like if you're like, hey, I'm in Texas, like who do you recommend? Like we tend to know who is in each state now. But also I think even just batting ideas around, you know, just opening conversations, whether it's an email or whether it's a phone call, all my information's on the website. But I think that's just good, just even start conversations or it just if you're even concerned, you know, about mental health stuff and athletes, it's really important just to start the conversation. I think breaking the stigma first is always critical. And then from there, finding the resources that are necessary is kind of the next step.
SPEAKER_01Well, that is nice of you to be able to offer that to people wherever they live. So I'll have this in the show notes. I'll have the link to Brooks' website, but it is all one word, Rocky Mountain Sports Counseling Center. There you go. Rocky Mountain Sports Counseling Center. Or go to Pivotal People and I'll have it there. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you for what you're doing. And I look forward to seeing your dissertation. I could probably read that. I could probably do use too big of words.
SPEAKER_00I don't know about that. There's probably some big words in there, but I don't know if they're that big of words. So you can read it.
SPEAKER_01Okay. We'll see if I can handle that. Good luck with everything you're doing.
SPEAKER_00Thank you.