The Power Of Regret: How to Use Regret as a Tool For A Better Life

Regret feels like a weight, but we treat it as a signal that points to what we value most and what we still can change. We break down Daniel Pink’s research on regret, share a personal reconnection story, and offer a simple way to turn regret into one small next step.

• reframing regret as a useful emotion and a values signal
• findings from the American Regret Project and how common regret really is
• foundation regrets and the power of small repeated choices
• boldness regrets and why we often regret inaction
• moral regrets tied to identity plus guilt and shame
• connection regrets and why relationships drift quietly
• a real example of reaching out and restoring pivotal relationships
• self-compassion as the middle path between ego and self-criticism
• questions to extract the lesson and choose one forward action

If you'd like a free worksheet to walk you through the process of reframing and learning from specific regrets,  just go to stephanienelson.com, go to the Contact button and send me an email. Tell me that you'd like this worksheet and I'll send it to you. 

Subscribe to the Pivotal People newsletter for new episodes, giveaways and more: https://stephanienelson.com/newsletter/
Learn more at StephanieNelson.com
Follow us on Instagram  @stephanie_nelson_cm
Follow us on Facebook at CouponMom

Order Stephanie's book Imagine More: Do What You Love, Discover Your Potential 

Transcript

Regret Is A Signal Of Values

The Four Regrets We Share

Connection Regrets And Reaching Out

Self-Compassion Over Self-Criticism

Turn Regret Into One Next Step

Worksheet Offer And Closing Questions

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Hi everyone, this is Stephanie. Welcome back to the Pivotal People Podcast. Today I'm doing something a little bit different. I am going to talk to you about a book that I read recently that has transformed my thinking in a number of ways. I have caught myself talking to all of my friends and family about it. And I just decided to do a podcast about it to give you the highlights of this book to either teach you something right now or to prompt you to go out and get the book and really delve into the topic. I was at the library a couple of weeks ago and a book caught my eye. The title was The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Now, this book is by a man named Daniel Pink. I hadn't heard of him before, but after reading his book, I learned more about him. He has written five New York Times bestselling nonfiction books. He is used to be a speech writer for the White House. He is very accomplished. And I did send an email to him asking if he'd come on the podcast. He hasn't gotten back to me yet, but I really wasn't going to wait for that. I really want you to know about this book. Maybe he's listening, maybe he wants to come on. But either way, you can learn a lot from Daniel Pink. So let me talk to you about it. Um, this book, The Power of Regret, How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, looks at the topic of regret in a completely different way than I've usually thought of it. So today I want to start with a question that might feel a little uncomfortable, but I think it's one we all carry. What is something you regret? Maybe it's something you didn't say, maybe it's a chance you didn't take, maybe it's a relationship you let drift away. Maybe it's something small, but for some reason it still lingers in your mind. And here's what's interesting: we spend so much of our lives trying to avoid regret. We don't want to feel it, we don't want to think about it. We kind of push it aside, try to move forward. I don't know about you, but people will say, you know, don't look at the past, live in the present. Things like, you know, the windshield is much bigger than the rear view mirror. Don't spend all your time looking in the rear view mirror. Kind of shaming us for having regrets or thinking about regrets, as if, you know, dwelling in the past is negative. And to tell you the truth, none of that advice has really helped. I still have some lingering regrets, and you might too. And this book helped me figure out a better way of dealing with them. So what is? What if regret isn't something we want to avoid? What if it's actually one of the most useful emotions we have? And so that's what Daniel Pink is presenting to us. His argument is simple, but it's powerful. He says regret isn't a weakness, it's a signal. And if we listen to it, it can actually help us live better going forward. This honestly is the first time I've read about dealing with regret as a positive, productive exercise. So a couple of things. Uh, first of all, he is a researcher. So he did a study that he called the American Regret Project. Thousands of people responded, 4,489 at the time that the book was written. Many more have responded since then. He asked a simple question. He didn't use the word regret because we all kind of recoil from that word. He asked the question, how do you look back on your life and wish you had done things differently? Only 1% of respondents said they never do that. In other words, 82% of respondents said they occasionally or frequently think about regrets. And Daniel points out to us that's more people than people who floss their teeth. I mean, this is very common. Um, and the in his study, he found that there were really four types of regret. Um, and we'll get into that. But the first thing he talks about is this idea of reframing regret. So we just talked about if 82% of people said they have some kind of regret from the past that they're still thinking about, then I think we can assume that regret is universal. Almost every single one of us has it. And the people who say they don't, they might just be avoiding it. And in fact, I've heard Daniel talk on podcasts, and he says if someone says they have no regrets, that's might be a sociopath. I mean, regrets tell us that we care, and caring is a good thing, caring is a human thing. So as he goes, as he talks about the research, what really stood out to me is that when we ignore or suppress regret, we actually make worse decisions in the future. That's what the research found. But when we reflect on it, when we get curious about it, it becomes incredibly useful because regret is doing something very specific to us. It is pointing us towards what matters, it's showing us our values because we care about it. So, for example, if we regret not spending more time with our kids, well, that tells us something. If we regret not taking a risk, that tells us something. If we regret how we handled a situation, we're probably going to learn something in the future about how we handle situations. So instead of asking, how do I avoid regret? What if we asked, what is this regret trying to teach me? And that shift alone changes everything. So he talks about the four types of regret. All of these thousands of people had very similar regrets and he grouped them. And the first area was what he calls foundation regrets. And these are regrets that people have later in their life from not doing the basic work early on. So, for example, people regretted not saving enough money over their life or not taking care of their health or not building strong habits. And they would say things like, if only, if only I had been more disciplined, if only I hadn't made that poor financial decision. And what's interesting about it, he said, is that these are not dramatic decisions. They're small choices repeated over time. And this applies to so many areas of our life, applies to health, our finances, our routines. And what we can learn from that is that what we do consistently matters more than what we do occasionally. So those are foundation regrets. And by the way, throughout the book, Daniel's pointing out to us that nothing is final. We are learning from these regrets so that we can change directions, improve our lives. This is not something we have to sit in, it's something that we can move on from because of what we learned. So let's not, I'm outlining the regrets, but we're going to talk at the end about the specific processes he recommends to work through these and come out on the other side positively. The second area of regrets, which was uh the biggest category for people, is what he called the boldness regrets. And these are the regrets of not taking a chance. So, for example, not starting the business you thought about, not speaking up when you should have, not going for something that mattered. And his insight was we tend to regret what we didn't do more than what we did. That's interesting. And so in the moment, we might avoid risk. Why? Why would we avoid risk to stay comfortable? Um, but over time we look back and we say, Well, I wish I'd been brave. And I think this one's really hard for us because it's not about failure. You didn't do anything, you didn't fail at it. It's about possibility. But again, I'm gonna say things are still possible. So put that one on the shelf. The third area, this is a tough one, is what he called moral regrets. And these are the regrets we have when we didn't act in alignment with who we want to be or who we think we are. So examples over and over again, how we might have hurt someone, how we might have stayed silent when we should have defended someone, or how we made a choice we knew wasn't right, maybe an ethical choice or a moral choice. And these are the ones that really stick with us because they are so tied to our identity. They're not just about what happened, they're about who we were in that moment. And looking back at it, we just feel terrible about ourselves. This is where we feel guilty, we feel ashamed, maybe we don't tell people about it, and we keep replaying it in our minds. These are really moral regrets are really hard for people to shake. But he says, even here, regret can serve a person, a purpose. Uh, it sharpens our sense of integrity, it reminds us who we want to be moving forward. And he says, he actually was encouraged that people had moral regrets because what it says is that we're human and we care about being better people. We care about being kinder people. It reminds us of the people we want to be moving forward. It makes us better, it can change us, it can even help us transform to be the person we want to be. So even moral regrets can be positive. And the final one were connection regrets. I think most of us can relate to this. It's incredibly powerful. These are the regrets about relationships. For example, friendships that just faded, or family members we lost touch with, or people we meant to call, but we didn't. And here's what stood out to me is that relationships don't end with the big moment. They just kind of gradually drift away. And one day we realize that that relationship is gone. We wish we'd reached out, but at this time, so much time has gone by, it's awkward. So I don't know if a person is coming to mind right now. This is one where I want to give you a personal example, though, because what he said was even in this regret, even if it feels awkward, make the call, send the text, search for the person. Because most likely when you reach the person, they are going to be so glad you did, even if it's awkward. The reason this podcast is called Pivotal People is because a few years ago I wrote a memoir, a book, a book about my coupon mom experience. It was 20 years, and I realized as I was looking back that there were a number of people along the way who helped me. But there are actually four people who were absolutely critical in my experience. Had they not stepped into the experience, it would not have been successful. Each one of them was pivotal. Um, you know, one I hadn't talked to for 20 years, uh, one was a man I had fired. Um, I felt terrible that here were these people who were so pivotal and I hadn't talked to them. So I wrote a chapter about each one of them and I found them on LinkedIn and I reached out to them. And I have to tell you, I am so thankful I did that because even the man I fired, I had imagined that he was angry at me or that he resented me. And we got together and he said, Oh no, never feel that way. He ended up because I fired him, he started his own company, which he sold for so much money I can't even talk about it. And now he's super a super involved philanthropist. So, okay, why do I why do I need to carry that regret? By getting back in touch with people, it renewed relationships, it sent them the message about how much I cared for them, and it gave me confidence to do that with more people. I have since reached out to so many people in my past and I've reconnected with people in my present to see people more because everybody likes to be reached out to. How special does that make someone feel? To say, wow, you still remember me after 40 years? It's great to be remembered. So that's my testimonial for if we have regrets about losing touch with people, take the bold step of reaching out to them because it might be the best gift you've given them. I know a number of people said that to me. So the question becomes what do we do with all of this? How do we actually use regret in a healthy, productive way? And one of the concepts Daniel talks about that uh really hit me is what he calls self-compassion. I think that sounds self-explanatory. It's not. It's not what I thought it was. Let me give you a spectrum. He talks about a spectrum. On one far end of the spectrum, you have self-esteem. Okay, self-esteem, we're supposed to have self-esteem, but um, there's a risk there. Self-esteem that gets a little too uh blown up can be egotistical, and there's some negative connotations with that. At the opposite end of the spectrum, we have self-criticism, and this is where a lot of us live. This is where we beat ourselves up for things, we spin around in our own head, we are expecting ourselves to be perfect. Why are we beating ourselves up? Daniel says this is actually kind of an internal virtue signaling. When we are so hard on ourselves for having some sort of regret, we're kind of saying you're supposed to be perfect. Really? That's what we do with ourselves. But in the middle, between these two extremes, we have what he would consider the ideal in terms of processing regret, and he calls it self-compassion. Imagine if here's how we get to self-compassion. Imagine get outside of yourself and imagine that you are a friend, and your friend is telling you what your regret is. So imagine if a friend was telling you all these regrets that you're beating yourself up with. Would you say, Oh, I agree with you, you're awful? Of course not, because you see your friend in the whole scope of who they are. And what they're telling you is one little pinprick of a situation that is just one detail in their life, but you see the whole of themselves. And this is something that happened in the past, and this is something they aren't going to do again, and you, as their friend, would remind them of who they are, and that they aren't defined by this one experience or mistake or regret in their life. You would want to comfort them, you would want to reassure them, and that's what self-compassion is. When we can look at ourselves the way that we would speak to a friend. And if we can do that, we can help process these regrets so they aren't pulling us down. So the first step with self-compassion, he says, is to not beat yourself up. It's like talking to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love. So instead of saying, I can't believe I did that, you might say, Well, of course I feel this way. Of course I feel badly about what I said or did. That mattered to me because that's not the kind of person I want to be. And that shift, instead of saying I'm a bad person, you're you're saying, No, I'm this is the person I want to be. That's teaching me that I don't want to be that way. So, in other words, it helps make us better, it helps us become who we want to be, become who God wants us to be. So, to reflect on the lesson, ask yourself, what does this regret reveal about what I really value? Get to what you really value. Every regret is connected to something meaningful, it's not random, it's showing you what matters most to you. So, how do you take a step forward? I gave you an example of what I did when I felt like I lost connection. Um, but when we look at a step forward, this is when our regret becomes powerful and positive and productive. You can do something with it. Maybe it's sending the text or making the call, or maybe it's starting the thing you've been putting off. Maybe it's apologizing to someone. Maybe it's changing just one habit. It doesn't have to be big, it just has to be one step forward. Regret only stays painful when it keeps us stuck in the past, but when it moves us forward, it becomes something entirely different. So, key takeaways. Here's what I took from it. Regret is actually not something to avoid. I don't have to shame myself into having regrets. It's something to listen to. Uh, I also learned the biggest regrets in life come from not being brave or not staying connected or not acting in alignment with who we want to be. And so that kind of gives me hope because most of our regrets are still actionable because it's not too late to reach out. It's not too late to start, it's not too late to do something differently. So our regrets are not just reminders of the past, they're signals pointing us towards the life we really want. So, by close, and as I close this, a couple of things. I uh one of the things Daniel Pink provided in his book were some uh processes for how to take a regret. And he walks us through questions and thoughts until you get to the end of the conclusion and the positive, productive next step. And I did that with two of my biggest life regrets. Um, and I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders when I got to the end of that. So, what I have for you, if you're listening to this, I have a worksheet. It's a downloadable PDF that walks you through a process of turning uh, you know, reframing a regret. If you'd like that, just go to stephanynelson.com, go to the contact button and send me an email. Um, tell me that you'd like this worksheet and I'll send it to you. Um, the second thing is if you haven't read his book and you do like to read, I'd recommend that you get The Power of Regret, How Looking Forward Backward Moves Us Forward. Um, I checked mine out from the library. I've uh probably will buy it because it's one of those books that I want to keep on the shelf and reread. In closing, I'm gonna ask you this question. What's one regret that's been sitting quietly in your life? And what do you think it's asking you to do? Can you think of one small step that you might be willing to take that would help relieve the burden of that regret? Or is there someone that this episode is making you think of? Is this something you'd like to share with someone? Reach out to that person, maybe say, Um, I know you've suffered with this regret for a while, and here's something that might be helpful. Maybe it's something that is just going to get you to the next right step for you. But whatever it is, I hope that this has been helpful. And I hope that if you have any input for me, send me a message or share this with a friend. Thanks so much for listening.