Ep. 4 Being Fun vs Having Fun: Part 1

Today's Episode 4 discussion with my dear friend Amanda Ryder is a delightful exploration of the distinction between "Being Fun" and "Having Fun." It all started during a happy hour conversation where we realized the profound difference between these two concepts and just had to share it with you all. 

We talk about:

• Being Fun vs. Having Fun The difference between projecting a fun persona and genuinely enjoying the moment.
• Embracing genuine connections The importance of forming real connections with others, instead of worrying about appearances.
• Infusing playfulness into life How adopting a playful mindset can make even mundane tasks more enjoyable.
• Authenticity over perfection The value of authenticity in interactions and how being genuine often leaves a more lasting impression than trying to be flawless.
• Finding joy in small moments The significance of finding joy in everyday moments, rather than constantly seeking grand experiences.

Ready to dive in? Here are a few resources to deepen your understanding

1. Learn more about Human Design here
2. Find Glennon Doyle’s book Untamed here
3. Connect with the We Can Do Hard Things podcast - what a game-changer!
4. Check out the article I reference called Why We All Need to Have More Fun from the New York Times
5. Listen to the Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us podcast episode that I referred to about paying attention to the little things as a way of being a better friend. The episode is called The Anatomy of Trust

Get ready to redefine fun in your life! Whether you're looking to spice down your weekends, revamp your routines, or simply add a sprinkle of joy to each day, this episode has you covered.

Transcript

Hello everyone and this is Mandy Straight.
You are back with messy, designed life.
The place where we talk about interior design,
but we really talk about the things that are below the design and why it's even important,
which means that we don't actually talk about interior design all the time,
or even half of the time.
Today, we are going to be talking with my amazing friend Amanda.
Amanda and I were out for Happy Hour,
what was it, three weeks ago-ish?
Yeah, right around then.
Okay. And we're having this amazing conversation about how we both feel like we're sort of going
through a shift of how we like to spend our social time and free time and what we like to do with that.
And we came into this framework of a conversation around being fun versus having fun.
And it was so interesting and like shifting for us, for me, to have this vocabulary difference
between these two concepts.
And it just seemed like a really good thing to bring into the podcast.
Hello, you lovely soul you.
I'm Mandy Straight and this is messy, designed life.
A new podcast that explores the power and magic of intentionally designing your life,
your home, and yourself.
Episodes drop every first and third Thursdays to explore all that is this messy, designed life.
So hello, Amanda. How are you?
I'm doing really well.
It's always hard to complain on a Friday.
Yes, it is.
Friday afternoon nonetheless, like we're done.
Yes, and I feel like welcoming.
A week in is, I feel like a week in Warrior, always.
Yeah, me too.
I'm like, how close are we?
Okay.
Yes.
So tell us, give us like the five sentence version of you and yourself and just, I mean,
share what you want and what feels pertinent and really just so that we can understand
who you are and where you're coming from as you're sharing your perspectives today.
Yeah.
Oh, that's a great question.
Do you think they would have spent a little bit of time thinking about
who I kind of like that you did it?
Yeah.
That's okay.
Yeah.
Oh, goodness.
I feel like I am a human joining you today who has spent a long time being really comfortable
with who I am in this moment.
How long is the long time?
It's, huh?
How long is the long time?
How long is the long time?
Goodness.
It feels like my whole life.
I have been leading up to this wanting to be someone and then just within the past like
year, I think I have become really comfortable with.
I am not trying to be someone.
I am who I am and I am learning how to step into my own power and kind of own the gifts
that I have and hopefully bring them into the world.
And so I am the things I care about most are the people in my life.
I am people centered.
I in all aspects of my life, whether it's work or fun or my one of my partners always jokes that
I don't have hobbies and I would correct them because my favorite things to do are connecting
with other people.
And so I spend a lot of my time really learning about others, challenging my own thoughts
and really hoping to build community with others in my life and bring people together and
yeah, continuing to grow.
I'm in Denver, Colorado, which is my favorite place to be.
I was recently listening to episode one of this podcast and you had mentioned something about
your moon sign and your sun sign or both cancer.
So my my sun sign and my rising sign are both water signs and I too feel very at home in the
mountains.
I need I love feeling grounded.
Yes.
And that's really important to me.
Yeah, so maybe amazing and really like I maybe the water signs is why we get together or why we
get along so well and also all the other things you said about being curious and self growth and
all of that stuff and and totally to just witness you in like the best way.
Like Amanda is so good at seeing people for who they are and what their talents are
in a way that just blows me away and and if anyone follows human design, which I know a little bit
about it's a it's a deep subject.
Your projector is that the right one?
Yeah projector.
Which is the same as my dad.
So I think there are some things in you that feel comfortable to me in the way of like being seen
because you are just so good at seeing people's strength and what helps support them and anyway,
just want to witness that about you.
I know I told you that before but it's magical the way that you do that.
Thank you.
It's so funny because I have a great conversation with them.
Every now and then I have people who connect professionals in my industry to me and today I was
talking to someone first time I had talked to them and I spent so much time actually talking about NLP
and what that work has helped me to realize and just it.
And I think for whatever reason me sharing that like the answers like really trusting that the
answers are inside of me and it's about asking the questions and searching inside and trusting
that and really giving to encourage them to trust what's inside of them and to ask questions and
and to let go of maybe those those I think so often we anytime we're looking to make change or
we have these preconceived ideas of what is right or what we can do.
And so it was just really amazing to get just spend some time and kind of help her to think about
like no you you are ready for the next step like you all of these doubts that you're framing
you're ready for it anyways and so it just felt I feel really lucky that a lot of people
think that I am able to see the strengths in others because then they connect people to me and I
she we ended the call and she was like just so you know I think you could you could be like a
motivational speaker and it was like the sweetest thing. So that's how I'm entering this face today
is feeling like ah I'm gonna help somebody see the good in them today. Yeah I love that it's so it's
so true it's so true and I think actually like this seems like a really good intro to our our
discussion that we're gonna have in that. So I'm reminded it's funny because you know I was
prepping for this and kind of getting some thoughts down and and I had this thought that came up a
couple times I forgot about and didn't write it down and you were talking and it connected to
something else for me. Have you read the book Untamed? I yeah I listened to the audiobook I
love one in Doyle. I'm like I mean I'm obsessed with We Can Do Her Things there cannot be enough
of that in my life. All three of those women like can not love them enough. So I know sister and Abby
we are so good. Every single time and like Abby makes these noises all the time who like we're
just gushing for just a second like she'll just go truth. Mmm and I'm like yeah I love her like so
good. Anyway my point of bringing that up is that there's I'm pretty sure it's in Untamed maybe
you can check me. There's a part in there where she talks about how she had these I think they
were teenagers, boys and girls and they were all hanging out together and she comes down and she's
like anyone want anything to eat and the boys are like yeah and they don't even right they don't
even look around they don't even check and the girls all look to each other to sort of see what
their answer should be and I feel like I feel like that's the same energy you're talking about that
I can relate to for myself that I have spent so long in my life getting questions or having my
own questions and looking to somebody else to try to figure out what my answer was supposed to be
and it has been such a shift that I'm certainly still in the middle of like I don't think I'm out
on the other side of that but I've certainly not where I was two years ago in the sense that
something comes up and I give myself permission to do something I'm not looking for it from someone
else and some question comes up and I'm like hang on let me figure out for me where my boundaries
are what I don't want what would feel good and actually start being able to answer those for myself
does that seem like the same being is what you're talking about yes I feel like and you nailed
like because as soon as you had mentioned that um that part of untamed I it's so true and I feel
like all of most of my life right I have spent booking around for permission to do what I want
to do or or even affirmation that what I want to do is write and um and at the end of the day I mean
no one else in that room is going to know if I want to snap or not and it's so true it's so true
but it is so and I it is definitely the thing that I am now entering a space where I know if I
want to snap or not I know and I'm not here to look around I know and like let's honor too that I
think I think you'll say too like I don't know how I would have to think maybe how long my phase
was but there's a phase before this one where we start to become aware that we do have a I
remember at some point I mean this was probably six years ago um I was like I don't actually know
how I like my coffee like every time I'm going into either try something I haven't tried before
or like ask the barista what's your favorite coffee or you know like I don't even have my own
opinion about how I want my coffee I mean this is this is how have I not made an and also too
I I grew up with a very picky sister and she knows that's true so I'm not saying anything that nobody
knows is kind of a joke in our family and um funny now she has two kids who are also not even
nearly as picky as she is and it drives her crazy um as you know happens with the turnaround but
uh so since I grew up with such a picky sister I didn't want to be that high maintenance and in
my mind that was the word I attributed to it and I didn't want to be that high maintenance so I
was like oh I'm good I'm good I'll go along with anything I'm easy going I'm easy to get along with
and that was more important to me at that time than knowing who I was and what I wanted and being
like no thanks I don't want to go to that burger joint for dinner um even though my sister wants
to you know I just I I genuinely feel I it's funny I can't remember who just had an article about
this if oh and I don't want to attribute the wrong thing um but find it we're talking about
when Harry Met Sally came out and how and I love when Harry Met Sally I feel like I watch it every
I felt like I associated with both of fall and New Year's because of anyways the those there's like
scenes in both but the article I was reading was actually a criticism of what it did to women who
know what they want and instead of celebrating women who know what they want right like I want
this salad I don't want this on it I want this on the side and I want this to drink but if you
don't have this then I want this and not this right very simple I know what I want I'm and if you
don't have it that's fine it's just if it's not what I want I don't want it and I'm gonna do this
other thing that I do want and I think you just hit a thing we'll come right back to that keep going
back and so instead of us and instead of the the movie kind of just making a point of like great
Meg Ryan's character knows what she wants she has ambition instead she immediately got the label of
your high maintenance and and it wasn't and high maintenance comes with this connotation of a
woman who knows what they want is now difficult exactly and and who wants to be difficult who
wants to know what he wants to be with a difficult woman so you better change yeah exactly and so
then you start well yeah so if I don't know what I want then I'm easy because if you want like
what do you want for dinner oh it it doesn't matter to me I'm I'm not difficult and then at some
point you know it's you realize like that's also really difficult to be around because it that's
required to be other person to guess what you want and to make decisions which can be
their lead to resentment or it can lead to the other person having to to carry the burden of
making choices for the both of you and then are you and there's no there's no person there because
then oh well whatever you know and they're like I guess I'll just eat the thing that I would eat
if you weren't here because that's not the same I was trying to have a thing together
and now we don't get to have a thing together right yeah because I feel like it's my thing I had
I had a partner once tell me because I think I was trying to be easy and they were they were like
hey when you say you don't really care what you want for dinner or you don't care if we go out
or in or if we don't you don't care at this they were like it really kind of makes me feel like
you don't care to be here you don't care to do the thing with me and I'm like oh yeah how am I so
that right like all of a sudden you're just taking my comsies to you yeah and it's like no actually
they want to be with me and they want to be with me because I do have opinions and because I do want
things and because like me just me and how what a great realization of like oh me trying to be easy
is actually giving across the entire wrong message that I'm trying to give across to this person whom
I love and care about so yeah so true and I think there was something really important that you said
about if you don't have the salad that way that's okay but I'll choose something else like there's
there is a piece in there that I think sometimes gets um I was going to say done wrong and that's not
it I think the part that complicates it is if if me being clear about what I want makes it your
problem and you're supposed to figure it out and give it to me that's a different dynamic then
hey here's what I want oh you don't have that that's okay I'll figure something else out or I'll go
find it somewhere else or right like that keeps it on me that's still my responsibility rather than
oh I want this thing and you're supposed to figure it out is a different dynamic that's
feels like an important distinction with that that I think maybe maybe is partly where
some of the high maintenance label comes from I want it this way go figure it out for me
um yeah but not not in totality and I think you're right there just needs to be a redefining
of knowing what we want and the valuing of that and and really even like thank you thank you for
knowing who you are what you want what you bring to the table what you're asking for clearly
make sure that I feel like sometimes because like when we plan to go to happy hour um I will say
you know way more places in the city than I do which I love that's one of my favorite things about
you um but sometimes I feel like we've now gotten into this groove of like well this is a vibe I'm
seeking yeah I may not know the exact place I want to go but I can tell you what vibe I'm seeking
and then that way we can adjust from there am I needing something lively my wanting something
chill and I wanted something like do I do I want to do my hair and like dress up and I think we've
I know when we talk about design it's always so funny because um
me my husband and I it's very very funny um because he's very much
function is more important than form and then he's like do you want a comfy couch and part of me
he doesn't understand it but I'm always like I need you to understand that a beautiful couch is
more comfortable even if I shoot collection and that's exactly right yeah yeah and then that's
so funny because I do feel like you know as interior design gets to be the background thread of a lot
of these conversations like that is a really good tie-in for what we're talking about in that and
and maybe interior design is just the um the vehicle for an example of how this can play out
in that sometimes it's overwhelming to know what we want sometimes there are so many decisions
it's like where do I go how do I even begin to choose this especially if we haven't been
asking those questions of ourselves before and and me being like I guess I don't know how I like my
coffee um things like that start to become easier when we can one break it down into pieces and
two figure out what we don't like right and so as far as interior design if your husband knows like
I don't actually care what color the sofa is that makes no difference to me or I don't care
except I hate pink cool okay anything but pink we can play around in Amanda's color bill and then
he can play around in is it comfortable is it right like which parts are important to him which parts
are important to you and which parts can you say cool I don't have any opinion on that thing like
I don't know what that might be for you but you know with the sofa but then the other part is to say
um I know what I don't want right I know that uh I don't want it to be so comfortable that it
doesn't have any style okay cool there's a boundary that starts to home down um it's so much that
like creativity thrives and limitations like when there are too many options we can't actually
make it into anything and when we start understanding what it's not then we are way more clear on what
it is and sometimes saying what it's not is so much easier and so starting there we can start to
get down to in our homes and in anything else oh turns out I don't like soy milk and I don't like
you know triple espresso okay yeah just so helpful to now it's so helpful to know
um and I feel like that's the perfect intro for us to talk about being fun and having fun because
being fun is something that I think I think from our previous conversation you and I agree
is something we used to think we were supposed to want and now we're realizing oh guess what
that's we we don't want that that's a no thanks for us um and then we get to explore what is
having fun and how do we do that so I would love I can say it but do you want to say what we came
up with like what what was our conversation about the difference between those two oh goodness I'm
I'm gonna let you dive in because I've been thinking a lot about being fun and having fun but yeah yeah
yeah our our discussion was about being fun is something that's like a label and it's like
being fun is is the action that's supposed to be fun the event that's supposed to be fun the
outfit that's supposed to look fun um and all of those things are so externally based like oh and
it's really you know there there are positive things to social media but it's really like the
social media post like did I do it for the post years yes exactly it is for others that's exactly
way it it very much becomes to me right it's it kind of reminds me of you know what is my answer
if somebody says what are you doing this weekend right and some of the things that I do where I
have the most fun if I were to say oh this is what I'm doing this weekend they'd be like oh
so it's a it's not going to be a great weekend and I'm sitting here like actually
this is gonna fill my cup yeah yeah and that's you having fun instead of you worried about the
label of what it is supposed to look like to be fun exactly exactly and having fun is you know
what you know when you have it you know right exactly and so here's something interesting
um because I get all nerdy about terms and usually I look up like the etymology of stuff um but it's
little actually I didn't even try to be interesting to try but I didn't look up the etymology of b
and half because it kind of seemed to like a mood point but what I did do is look up um like
what does it mean to have fun um and if you look up what does it mean to be fun you can't even find
anything um because I think there's no there there right like there's no substance to that what it
means to be fun um but oh I think there were a few things about yeah it's just not much so when you
look up have fun a few things that it said like what does it mean to have fun someone is enjoying
themselves and finding pleasure in an activity or a situation enjoying oneself amusing oneself
having a good time and then there was actually this whole article which I'll I'll put the link in
that was in the New York Times in 2021 December of 2021 and it's called why we all need to have more
fun have more fun and it was this person who had researched a bunch of things and um wrote the
book called the power of fun how to feel alive again and broke it down broke having fun down into
three aspects and talked about how these are these are actually needed for our health right like
she's saying why it's actually medically important and I'm sure um expands beyond that I just said
she I am actually not sure it's a she this author person that we will figure out who it is um but
the three parts of having fun were playfulness which is defined as light-hearted or just for
pleasure not because it's leading to something else but just because it's pleasure in and of itself
so playfulness connection um the feeling of having special shared experience with another person
I would add in though connection with self is just as important so it can be fun to find an active
connection with self um just as much as with another person and really both are needed and we can we
can like come back to that as the other biggie um and then the last one is flow which is the state
of being fully engaged and focused and they made the distinction in this one too this is not a
passive situation this is not watching a movie because that's passive this is um playing the
guitar singing uh playing a board game with a friend although you have a fun story that makes
that like the more passive thing which is cool too um that that playfulness connection and flow
are the way that we actually have fun and our body is rejuvenated by that kind of having of fun
thoughts on that and board game stitch and that makes so much sense to me I feel like um
good we did that stanford designing your life course together yeah we started it and um
um you know we're we I got a large and i'm proud of some helpful things um so um but one of those
pieces that I really loved was when they had us think about the different aspects of our life
that you can really design one of them was play and then also that idea of how can I incorporate
play into more areas of my life because we have this I think sometimes when you hear the word play
what are the images that come to mind but what if we could take that same idea of playfulness
right the same idea if there doesn't have to be a right there doesn't have to be an answer and
can start applying it to more areas of your life so that then all of a sudden the work that you're
getting done has a little more space for freedom a little more space for fun and it's rewarding I
feel like then all of a sudden your work becomes more fulfilling and you feel like you have
the play area of your life is becomes more robust because you've infused it in different areas
oh totally yeah I had I had probably four weeks ago had like a few big revelations
about myself which I'm sure I'll work back around into into some content and um one of them was
like oh my gosh I the way that I've been approaching things has really been limiting any kind of
room for fun within what I'm doing and using work as just one of one example of that I was
approaching my work so much of like I have to get this right I need the client to be happy but I
need to like have the perfect plan for them because I just want them to love what we're doing and I
have to have all the answers when they need them like at my fingertips you know and then I was like
we're all just doing this process together like how could how but just by changing the tone of it
to be a more enjoyed fun tone while we're doing all the things if we can have some fun while we're
being productive which of course is not the definition of the fun from the article but if we can
inject some of that in where it's like we're also here to enjoy the fact that we're in a meeting
for an hour turns it into a way different meeting then okay we have 10 points to get to okay what's
the first point okay anybody anybody okay we're all done with the first point next point that's no good
and I think from that article one of those things right was connection with others right
yeah and and to me I feel like that becomes so evident that I mean a meeting can be way more fun
and it's so simple right but if you allow some space for the humans to be human in those meetings
um and then your kid had a soccer game how did it go you know yeah and all of a sudden it's like
well now I am enjoying this so much more I'm enjoying this so much more because instead of feeling like
everything I'm doing here is revolving around the task that has to be completed
um it's no I'm you're also a person I'm connecting with in this moment and would have likely never
connected with if it weren't for this thing that we're going to do in this moment so it makes me
appreciate the thing more sometimes the thing I don't want to do because not every meeting I want
to be in um but the people in it I think there is a way to make those things more enjoyable when we
do allow that connection to happen yeah and it allows us to be on a team in a different way that
you know it's just invaluable when you're trying to get something done together whatever that
thing is you know the other thing is that reminds me of um this this must be an older podcast
episode but I was listening to Brene Brown's podcast and she this like rocked my world she was saying
something about um she had talked to her daughter and her daughter's talking about all of her little
soccer friends and her little soccer friends um her daughter said oh I can't remember the girl's
name well Jessica Jessica's my best friend like so and so is nice and so is nice Jessica's my best
friend and she said oh Brene said oh well what is it about Jessica that makes her your best friend
and the her daughter said well she knows my grandma and grandpa's names and Brene's like what are
you talking about and then she started thinking she I I remember at least the way I remember
in the podcast was she was like I had to take a few days to figure out where she was coming from
with that one and she was like I've realized that that's that's that personal connection happening
where it's not just hey you play this position on my soccer team and is your mom driving me next
week or not it turns into what's real in your life and I want to I want those little updates and
it's this it's this like micro level of connection that when I was listening to this podcast I mean
this this is probably a year and a half two years ago when I was listening to it I really
sort of pushed away those little things because I was like oh none of those matter I want to get
to the stuff that really matters like let's talk about the deep stuff that really matters and I'm
listening to this podcast and I was like oh my god of course it feels more seen and more loved
and more connective for somebody to be like oh hey you had a doctor's appointment last week how did
that go or like oh hey I saw that you have a podcast out what's that how's that going and just those
little things of like this is what you're doing as a human in your life right now and I care and
I see it and I want to hear about it I saw it was that reminds me it was like the sweetest like
simplest little like Instagram posts that came across my side or maybe it was real or whatever
wordy when I used I was scrolling I found it and I loved it and the person had said they were like
do you know what one of my love languages is they were like when somebody sends me a link or a just
anything they sent something to me and they said hey this is so you I wanted to make sure you saw it
or hey this is so you it reminded me of you and they were like which is different than this reminded
me of us or this reminded me of whatever they were like when they specifically see something
and it reminded them of me that's when I feel known and seen and loved it's so true do you know
and it's not even making it yeah that's the littler the better right because then they heard those
little things about you in the past week and a half I've had two people send me the same news
article it was like I don't even know where it's from honestly but it was like the three new hip
restaurants in Denver with beautiful vibe interior or something like that right it was based on like
the feel and vibe of the place which is just my jam like you said I know the places because I want
to go find the fun vibes to hang out in because that's just what I love to do and two people and
one of them I hardly know at all like we're just we're like friends through bigger groups of friends
and she sent me a thing like I saw this and I thought you would love it and I was like oh my
god I do love that oh my god I want to go to all of those places and then somebody else sent it to
me too and I was like oh I just I thought of you the minute I saw this and I was like I feel so
theta's loved right now you're totally right right yeah just asking them along yeah in like how
much effort did that even take you know for them to see you think about you and just say
this remind me of you right yeah yeah yeah I love it such a good point such a good point
whoa cowboy this is such a good conversation with Amanda and I want you to be able to absorb
every minute of it the second half of our conversation will be the next episode see you there into
a week if you want more messy design check out my website at mandy straight dot com you can get my
free mini ebook called design your happy place a step-by-step guide to transforming your space
and how you feel in it you can also sign up for the next round of my online DIY design course
called room revolution you'll get videos worksheets and group calls that help you define your own
design rules and start the revolution in your room and more importantly in yourself I'll catch you
next time on messy designed life and in the meantime get messy my friends