Ep. 3: Perfect vs. Real: A Different Look at Perfectionism

Join me on Messy Designed Life as we uncover the truth behind our pursuit of perfection. In this episode, we explore the three hidden desires driving our quest for flawlessness and discover why embracing imperfection is the key to true fulfillment. From the saga of my marble countertops to the timeless wisdom of The Velveteen Rabbit, we'll delve into the beauty of being real. Plus, I'll share resources to deepen your understanding and guide you on the path to self-acceptance. Ready to let go of perfectionism and embrace your beautifully imperfect self? Tune in now and embark on this liberating journey with me!

Resources:

1. Explore more insightful content from Dr. Becky Kennedy on her website: Dr. Becky Kennedy's Website
2. Watch Brene Brown's transformative TED Talk on Shame
3. Dive into the timeless wisdom of The Velveteen Rabbit by grabbing your own copy here: Purchase The Velveteen Rabbit

Transcript

Welcome back to Messy Design Life. I'm Mandy Straight, and this is the podcast where we
explore the magic and power of intentional living. Now, before we jump into today's episode,
I want to give a heads up. The sound quality is not perfect at all. But you know what? That's
okay because it's all a part of embracing the imperfections that I'm talking about in
this episode. So thank you for rolling with it and diving into this messy journey with me.
Let's get to it. Hello everyone. My name is Mandy Straight. You are listening to Messy Design Life.
I am so excited to have you here. I'm going to dive in pretty quickly. Today's topic, which is
perfectionism and a question of perfect versus real. And I notice in myself that I would consider
myself a recovering perfectionist. I guess, which is to say, I used to do it a lot more than I do
now, and I still not bring that in. So knowing that about myself, it was really easy in approaching
my own podcast to get really wrapped up in the way it was supposed to be and the perfect way to
launch and setting up everything exactly right for the way that all the experts say you need to do
it. And here's what your first episode should be about. And here's what your second one should be
about and how you plan on the episodes. And I got so lost in that. So I was noticing that my
perfection was getting in the way of having these conversations, which for me is really the point
of this podcast, having conversations about things that I feel are important. And I hope you do too,
about our lives being human. Messy designed life design, meaning just intention, right? Like if you
have designs on something, that means you have intentions for it. So how can I be the most messy
possible and really show up for the messy podcast that I'm making? That would be this, just making
a podcast about the thing I want to talk about and not worrying about the structure of the best way
to start a podcast as the most professional perfect podcast or ever. Today we're talking about perfect
versus real. I am so excited. I have all you lovely humans and friends here with me listening
to this episode of my podcast. You will learn over the next course of podcasting episodes with me
that I like metaphors a lot. And I'm also very into understanding etymology and where the terms
and the words we use come from. So we will do that in our discussion today. Also, I do interior
design. A lot of the topics probably stem from or drive toward interior design topics because I
think interior design is an example of something that happens in our lives that's a very good
microcosm or example of how we live the rest of our lives. Right? Da Vinci said, how you do, I think
Da Vinci said, how you do one thing is how you do everything. And interior design to me is a really
good way to look at, oh look, I do that thing in my design. I'll probably do it other places in my
life. So in today's episode, we will talk about my marble countertops in my house and how that
applies to real versus perfect in what I have learned from having marble countertops without
being more real. So let's start there. And then we are going to circle back around to real and
perfect what those mean, what we can learn from them, how we want to be and what we want to learn
from those concepts, maybe some assumptions that we make in using them and how we can shift those
to something that's more effective. So let's start with my countertop and how we'll get a
long story, a circuitous story about how I learned to love them. So I bought a house eight years ago
with my partner. It's beautiful. It was built in 1891 and that could mean that it comes with a
beautiful detailing, which it does. And it's gorgeous. And the people we bought the house from had
owned the house for 61 years, I believe. And 61 years ago, when we bought it, which was 10 years
ago, 70 years ago, to 70 years ago, from now, it's like 1950. So within that time, say in the 60s,
70s, is when the previous owners put a lot of work into this house and had done a lot of changes
and updates. And let me tell you, they did not preserve a lot of the Victorian charm and character
of the house that I would love to have in it. And they made some other decisions that are not
the decisions that I would have made. So when we bought the house, it was also not in great shape.
So it needed a lot of work. And there were lipstick red vinyl countertops. There was
the same color lipstick red carpet everywhere with just kind of pasty white walls. You know,
dated plastic shower inserts and oak cabinets, which are coming back in, but did not work with
the lipstick red. There were just a lot of problems. There was commercial like office gray, office
carpet in the bedrooms. And under that, when we stripped it off, there was shag carpet in one
bedroom. It was like burnt orange. And in the other bedroom, it was lime green. And underneath that
was like vinyl, like not real tile, just like wenolemy flooring that you used to have in bathrooms.
That was in the bedrooms. So there were some decisions that had been made in this house that,
you know, it was time for some new decisions. So as we bought the house, part of the plan,
because there was so much to do was to leave the kitchen and do that later and have that be part
too. Okay, we're going to we're going to address the kitchen after we do the rest,
because we can then put more money into it after we replenish just a little bit. Then we find out
that the back corner of the kitchen is sinking because there is a water drainage problem on the
exterior of the house. So they need to jack up the corner of the kitchen and level the floor.
And because they need to level the floor, then they have to rip out the cabinets in the kitchen
to do that leveling. And cabinets are not good enough quality, but they would be able to remove
them and then reinstall them. The removing of the cabinets was going to basically destroy the
cabinets. So all of a sudden we are planning a new kitchen. And I plan kitchens frequently with
clients. Never did I actually consider that I would be designing a kitchen for myself. That
might sound funny, but I also have different priorities with my money. I like to travel a lot.
I would probably choose travel over redoing my kitchen in a lot of circumstances. So I just I
never really considered, hey, Mandy, you are going to have a brand new kitchen. You get to choose
everything. What do you want it to look like? It had never crossed my mind. Even though I do
it with clients all the time because I'm designing for them, not for me. So all of a sudden I am
asking this question, what do I want? How do I want this kitchen to look to feel? What do I want to
do? And if you have paid any attention at all to kitchen planning, if you've ever planned one for
yourself or seen it on TV shows, one of the big questions in kitchen planning is what are my
countertops going to be made up? And I know, A, this has been trying to house what would have been
a countertop would either probably be wood, like butcher block kind of a thing, or likely marble.
And marble, again, if you've watched the decorating shows, marble is a very porous material, much more
so than granite, clearly more than any of the man-made surfaces like quartz that are that are kind of
basically fancy plastic in a lot of ways. So those are more, those are less impermeable than, wait,
what am I trying to say? Other surfaces are more intense than marble. So marble is a very soft surface
and important. And all of those other options have their place, but for this house, for this Victorian
house, and the look that I wanted to do, which was also like just being aware of the personality of
the house, it felt like marble was most in alignment with the soul of the house and it just felt like
it was what it wanted. So pause for two seconds here. I call my house manna because after living here,
I don't know, I probably started doing that four or five years in. I just feel like the energy of
the house is of this grandma, right? Like it's a little cranky. It doesn't always do what you
want it to do, but it's so lovable in doing that that you just can't get enough of it, right? It's
that little grandma that's like four foot eleven and she, this is the way I picture my house, she's
four foot eleven, she is ready to go to church and she has on this sort of light purple dress
with some lace in it somewhere and matching shoes and a matching purple little lace fascinator hat
off to one side of her head. And she's kind of like on the verge of yelling at you because you're
not ready to go for church yet, right? But she loves you and you love her and you're just like,
oh my gosh, my nana is so crazy and isn't she stinking adorable. So that's how I feel about my house. And I
realized as I was planning, you know, I just got to give in, nana needs real marble. And I know the
drawbacks, I weighed them in my head, okay? You get staining on the marble. You can happen from wine,
from tomato juice, from lemon juice, from, I mean, like you name it, okay? You can get etching. This
is where you see like marks left behind in the finish. So it's not really stained, but the finish
is stained or altered. And so you see like round shapes from glasses or you see slash marks from
from spills. And that just is going to happen. It's not an if, it's a when. And I knew that. And I
also knew I'm a traveler. Like I said, I prioritize with my money a lot to travel. And I've been to
Europe, I lived in Paris for about a year. And I know what old marble countertops look like. They
don't look perfect in new. They look beautiful in this different way that are, it's like they're
well loved. They have like witnessed life happening. And they've just been sitting there doing their
marble thing while life happens around them. And I think there is something so beautiful about that.
So I took the plunge. I was like, I'm doing it. I'm committing to the white marble Carrera
countertops. And as clearly, maybe you can tell already from our conversation so far,
I am not a type a human. I did not expect for these countertops to look perfect. I do not run
my life that way. It's too stressful for me. So I tried to take it and strive pretty well about
like, okay, there are some, okay, the countertop is starting to etch. Like I said, this was eight
years ago we installed them, right? Okay, we're starting to see some marks. Okay, there's some more.
I was, I have been pretty good about cleaning off so that we don't have any stains actually. We
only have etching, which is, which is not least, I do appreciate that. But about three years ago,
four years ago, I just started to doubt myself, started to doubt this decision of the marble.
And, and I was looking at my counters and I'm thinking, look, these, they just look kind of
grungy and sad and messy. And, and I just started to kind of idealize, okay, all of these, all of these
sports countertops in the pictures and online and like, look at how beautiful they are and there's
no etching on those and they just look so pretty. So I'm going to pause my countertop discussion here.
We're going to come back to it as I'm, we're pausing where I'm doubting my countertop decision
of marble countertops. And I, I want to talk now about the thing below the thing, right? Because this,
this whole marble experience of my life, this, this is not about marble. It's about my expectations,
my internal story about what my countertops should be, what it means about me when they aren't that
thing that I decided that they should be. I'm sure there's an element in there about like,
what will other people think when they come into my house, especially as a designer, being a designer,
what will other people think when they come into my house and they see my countertops and they're
like, wow, she's a designer. But will I think that they can't, they think that I can't be a
good designer if my countertops are fetched? Maybe, maybe that was part of it. Maybe I was afraid of that.
And the thing below all those things, below the marble thing, is an idea, an image, a concept of
perfection, perfect. What, what is this concept of perfect? Because I again, started this whole
conversation talking about how I'm a perfectionist, retired, I feel like I even better,
I'm a retired perfectionist, I'm not recovering, I'm just retiring. This is great. I'm a retired
perfectionist. And I think it's so important to need to have this conversation because I think perfection
can be really poisonous. And I am not prepared to say that it is all of the time, that it's never
okay, although I am pretty damn close to saying that, because I would really have to think about
when it's useful. Maybe if I was training for the Olympics, that might be it. If I was a surgeon,
yes, if I was a surgeon, I think I want my surgeon to be a perfectionist. Anyway, okay, so there are
sections. And I think as a general like, we're living our life doing our human thing,
going to the grocery store, planning, whatever we're planning, I don't say dinner, but I don't
cook much, so I don't really plan to nurse the people to. When we're doing those human things,
I just really think perfection is poisonous to almost all of those. And what I want to look at
is what is perfection, what is our concept of it, and what's behind it. So, as I said, I love words.
I, my favorite place to reference word definitions is not actually a place to get definitions,
it's the online etymology dictionary. Etymology, if you don't know, is the, the, like, history of
the word. Where does it come from? What's the heritage of this term? Okay, and I like that
better because it, to me, gives a more full picture of the, the idea behind the word. It's not just,
to me, dictionary is here's how the word is used today, right? Because dictionaries get updated,
the word definitions change. And the beauty of using an etymology dictionary is it's telling you
this is where this word came from. This is, this is what it used to mean, and it's changed to mean
this, and here, here's like, it's history. And I think that is a more full way to look at it. So,
I have looked up perfect in the online etymology dictionary, and the terms that it comes from
mean, flawless, ideal, completed, full, finished. And, and just myself, as my retired perfectionist
self, is this really what I want? Are these terms that I want to describe me when I keep trying to
be perfect and doing perfectionist things? Do I, am I trying to be flawless and ideal and
finished and completed? I don't, I don't know when you put it that way that I actually am.
The other thing too, I think with all of these terms, as we consider the, the word perfect and
what all of the things behind that, I think it is more focused on the outcome. It's more focused on
it, whether or not something is IG worthy, post worthy, is it polished? Is it enviable? Like,
somebody's going to want it because it's this ideal image of the most perfect cocktail or food,
or room, or kitchen countertop. So, to me, perfection is an outside in approach. It starts with the
desired outcome, and it builds this, the thaw that, that looks good with no attention paid to what's
on the inside. It's like the set for a movie, like sure the street scene looks idyllic, and it's the
place where dreams come true, and he's going to propose to the girl, and they're going to
find their, I don't know, some beautiful movie set topic, which is usually love a lot of times
when it's happy. And another, another podcast episode, but sure that street scene looks idyllic,
and it's, it's when you walk into the houses on that street scene, on that movie set, that you
find there just a facade. There's, there's no house behind that where you could live at the front door.
There's no there, there, as they say. So, in contrast, too perfect. Let's talk about the word real.
The word real comes from a concept of being in contrast to imaginary.
Funny, coming off of the concept of perfection, maybe we circle back to that one. But the term
real, first of all, first and foremost was, look, this is not imaginary. It's real, it's real life.
Then from there, it has transitioned to also include this idea of something that's genuine,
and authentic, and natural, and innate. So, where perfect or perfection focuses on the outside first.
Real comes from the inside, innate. The focus is more on where it comes from and the experience
of it inside out than it does on focusing on the surface appearance. So, if perfect is a movie set,
then this real is like, it's like that friend's house where, where everyone just tended to gather
and show up because you could, and you were always invited. And it was definitely not the cleanest
house on the block. It was not, it was not like maybe even perfectly designed. Things probably
didn't all match. It was lived in, it was quirky, it was interesting, not perfect. And within all of
this, these visuals of what that house was like, there was something more, right? Because it was
real. There was an experience of the house that was warm, that was inviting. And it offered a place
for you to come home to, to be yourself where you could relax, you could be seen, you could eat
warm cookies, you could laugh, you could not have your hair done, you could show up in your pajamas,
and it was welcoming, regardless, because of, not even in spite of, right? Because of who you were.
So that's real. And, and I, I want to call out too, as we look at these two concepts, they are not
mutually exclusive. I, I'm sure we could figure out examples of things that are real and perfect.
Maybe, like, heart surgery falls into that. I don't know. I would have to think, who want to worry about
that? They're not mutually exclusive. And both of these concepts as well play out on a spectrum
that, that it could be less real, more real. It's not on off. It's not real at all,
all real all the time. And same vice versa with perfect. And us as humans, because,
because of how life works, us as humans, we're always in the middle, like, we're like, this much
real right now. And then 10 minutes from now will be this much real about all of the layers of ourselves.
Also, I think the other part is, it's not, it's not like more real means less perfect,
less perfect means more real. I kind of said that about the story. Like, it just, there are two
separate terms that correlate a lot. And I think provide valuable contrast to one another,
even though they are not opposites in any way. What's interesting about looking at these two
concepts together is that question of focus. Are we looking outside in, or are we looking inside
out? And this applies to experiences we have, to interactions that we have with others, to
posts on social media, to the outfits, the clothes we wear, how we do our hair. Of course, since I'm
an interior designer, it applies to rooms we spend time in. Are they striving outside in,
or inside out? Are we trying to make them look good, or are we worried about how they feel first?
So this whole discussion about real, of course, brings me back to my childhood.
When one of the books I just have loved since I was younger than I can remember even loving it,
is the Velveteen Rabbit. I looked it up and I was first published in 1921. Can you believe that?
I mean, to me, there's a reason things stick around that long, because there's real meaning
to that. And I also discovered in looking up her name that there was another title for the
Velveteen Rabbit, which was, How Toys Become Real. And I think that's, there's something
poignant about that, about we're having a discussion about how we can be more real as humans. And so,
you know, if I'm a toy, as we all are figuring out our lives, like how is it that I become real?
I'm going to read an excerpt from the Velveteen Rabbit, and then I'll read one that's more at
the end of the story at the end of our discussion to make, because I think it wraps it up well.
It's kind of opens well and wraps it up well. The skin horse had lived longer in the nursery
than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the
seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to stream bead necklaces.
He was wide, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger,
and by and by break their main springs and pass away. And he knew that they were only toys,
and they would never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful,
and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the skin horse
understand all about it. What is real, asked the rabbit one day when they were lying side by side
near the nursery fender before Nana came to tidy the room. In a shout out, whoop, what is real,
asked the rabbit? Does it mean having things that buzz inside you in a stick-out handle?
Real isn't how you are made for the skin horse. It's a thing that happens to you.
When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with but really loves you,
then you become real. Shout out here too for soft love. Also, not just about other people loving
you. Back to the story. Does it hurt, ask the rabbit? Sometimes said the skin horse, for he was
always truthful. When you are real, you don't mind being hurt. It doesn't happen all at once.
It takes a long time. So usually, I did all right that time, but usually I can barely read quotes
from the belting rabbit without crying. There's just something that hits so deeply
at the core of humanity in this. I think it's so important to hear that. In children's stories,
there's some good at doing that. Distilling down a human concept to something that is that
simple, which they are. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I really like shiny things.
I have multiple sequins slash sparkly boots. I like beautiful jewelry, often costume jewelry,
which clearly is not real gemstones. I am aware that these are just surface. I think there is a place
for not real things that are just fun and that don't have to mean much. At the same time,
what really stops me in my tracks is finding moments in life that are real, like the belting
rabbit story. Things that are true that are authentic. I want to share an example of this
from my life a few years ago that took some investigation as to what was going on for me.
My partner has a daughter who at the time was in cheerleading. We would go see her cheerleading
competition, where of course involved in this, they're yelling things and we're supposed to
yell them back so that they're getting crowd involvement. Like go, buckets, go, buckets,
and we're supposed to yell back. Every time I would try to yell back,
I would get so choked up that I couldn't talk, like emotional. I felt so stupid. It was like,
this is a cheer competition. It's supposed to be fun and like, rah, rah, rah. Why am I getting
emotional about this situation? After I sat with it, I realized that I was moved to tears,
basically, by the genuine effort that these kids were putting into what they were doing.
It was so apparent that they had spent countless hours working on their moves, the skills,
coordination together, and this was them living in that moment focused and present and real.
And it didn't matter to me. It's into the judges, of course, but it didn't matter to me if they
missed the jump or if they were slightly out of formation. The passion and the effort was so
human and present that it was palpable. And it was so beautiful that I couldn't even cheer back.
I was choked up. So growth and self-improvement are essential to a life that is fulfilling and
enjoyable. And it can be so easy to get caught up in the flow of self-improvement. It can be
easy in that cheer situation to say, well, we had to get first place. Otherwise, we didn't do a good
job. And we do this in our life too. I think it can be so easy for perfection to creep in and start
things in our lives start to feel like it's about results. Did I hit that number of reps at the gym?
How many calories did that burn? Did I increase efficiency at work? What was the ROI, etc., etc.
And all of these measures of growth are important and they're valuable. And ultimately, they are
not the point. The point is our experience of life. And really, if you're orienting yourself
toward a life that's real, the tools that help you understand yourself better might include some
ROI and also will include the things below the things, ways that you can understand your current
real situation better. So the question I have is, is it possible to shift our mindset to see
perfect as maybe something that's not even desirable in a lot of situations? Is it possible to understand
that it's just the face of something that doesn't go much deeper? When I consider the shift,
it opens up so much more possibility. Then if things don't have to be perfect, like this podcast,
then I get to enjoy the process. I get to have a conversation that feels meaningful rather than
beating myself up about mistakes and what it was supposed to be. I get to enjoy what it is
inside out. I get to, if I live this way, I get to go out to dinner with friends and focus more
on the conversation and the connection with this other human in front of me than on my hair being
perfectly curled or even clean. Then on the food being perfect or the service being exactly the
way I think it should be, all of those things start to become unimportant because I get to
listen to this person, just be another human and show them my humanness and we get to appreciate that
together. Instead of if we were trying to be perfect competing for the most effective imitation
of perfect sense we're human and can't actually be perfect. In light of that, there was a thing
to a podcast where Dr. Becky, the parenting expert, was the guest, I think, on the podcast. If you
have not heard of Dr. Becky, I think I can't remember her last name right now, but Dr. Becky,
the parenting expert, if you have not heard of her, wow, I don't have kids and I listened to her
regularly and I'm floored. I learned so much about myself and I'm so much about interacting
with my partner, with my family and with, yeah, again, myself over and over again. Anyway, Dr. Becky,
amazing. What she said on this podcast was that so often as we look at parenting, we look back and
say, man, I wish I had the perfect parent or if we are parents, we say, I really want to be the
perfect parent for my children. And Dr. Becky said, you know, having, being a perfect parent
isn't the point. What children need is a human parent because we can't learn human lessons
from parents who would be not, not human. What am I trying to say? We can't learn human lessons
from something that's not human and perfect doesn't mean human. Human is innately, inherently,
essentially imperfect. And so hearing her talk about this and say, yeah, perfect parents would
mean human and flawed. That's the way to be a perfect parent is to be human and flawed and to
show up and to try and to learn together and to be real with you. And I think this same approach
applies to things that we are doing as humans. The perfect way to do it is to do it imperfectly
as humans. And as long as we can catch our tendency to idealize perfection and check that,
then I think the draw of the concept of perfection can start to fade away and start to be left
controlling over who we are and how we're trying to live our lives. I think that there are three
things, at least that come to mind. I'm sure we could have discussions and find more. But there
are three major things when we are trying to be perfect that we're actually trying to have the
thing beneath the thing. When something's perfect, it means that it's finished, the work is done.
And how refreshing is that to be like, there's nothing else to do. It's perfect. Complete. Check
off my list. No more to do. Time to watch Netflix. There's something very... I can't think of my
words right now. There's something very attractive to things being finished and done. So that's one
thing that I think is below the strive for perfection. I think another thing, the second thing that's
below the strive for perfection is that if it's perfect, there are no mistakes and no failures.
And we have such a negative view of mistakes and failures in our society right now. It's so
hard for people, me included, to say that we've done something wrong because there is such a
demonization of making mistakes rather than putting them in a more positive light. We'll look at that
in just a second. The third thing, the no mistakes. If it's perfect, there are no mistakes. We don't
have to be the person who messed up, right? That would be real nice, wouldn't it? The third thing
that I think is attractive about the idea of perfection is that if we can be perfect, then that
means that I'm a good person. Because I'm perfect. That means I'm valuable. That means I'm worthy
because perfect things are so valuable, right? I get it. I mean, it would be a lot easier if those
things were true. And I think there is a more effective lasting way to frame this whole conversation
because part of the challenge, as we were just saying in the parenting part, is that we get to,
as humans, accept the way the world works and accept what is real about being human, which is
imperfection and learning and growth and trying. And with that mindset, let's look at those three
things and sort of reframe them so that the parts that were attractive about perfection
start to take on new knowledge and wisdom and character so that maybe perfection starts to
look less attractive and we can be less hoodwinked. That's the word that comes to mind. We can be
less hoodwinked by this idea of perfection. So first thing, first thing was that it's finished
that the work is done. Well, accepting the reality of humanity being human, if we're alive, there's
always growth and nothing is ever finished. In French, if you translate that phrase literally,
I'm finished. If you translate that, just me if you mean means I am finished. But what that means
is I am dead. Like I'm done for it, right? Like in an old dramatic play, I'm done for it, I'm finished.
That's what it means in that literal translation from English to French. There's a different way
to say it if you're saying like I'm finished eating my food. But if you just straight up
translate, I am finished. It means that you're dead because growth is so fundamental to being alive.
Human or plant or my Celia, anything else that's alive is always growing and nothing is ever
finished. So if we start to accept that that's true, that aspect of humanity or I'm sorry,
that aspect of perfection starts to look a little bit less attractive when we know that
it's just not real. So the second part was in states and failures and wouldn't it be nice
we didn't have to deal with them. Let's say we just start making them all right. Let's say we look at
everyone around us that does things well, especially high level achiever people that I think are so
idealized in our society, professional musicians, Olympic athletes, personalities that you know,
influencers, I mean like even influencers, although a lot of their stuff is very polished
as far as how it's presented. If you look at them in their career, if you look at your neighbor
who makes the most amazing teach pie that you have ever tasted, none of those things happen well
from humans if they don't include mistakes and failures. So if we want to be realistic about how
to be better at being ourselves, how to improve being the version of human that we are now,
the best way to do that is by including accepting and maybe even embracing mistakes and failures.
How much of a transition would that make if mistakes and failures are no longer something to be avoided
and stop being a reason why we're all trying to be perfect. So the third part was that the idea
of perfection makes it seem like we are worthy and valuable. And I know you've heard this before,
but I want to say very seriously, you are worthy just as you are. I mean this, you are an amazing
valuable human. And if you haven't folded your laundry or if you haven't washed your hair,
you are worthy regardless of whether you went to the gym this morning or even this week,
regardless of whether you have answered all the emails in your inbox. If we are not connecting
our value to the outward signs of perfection, then we are free to be human and enjoy it.
Dirty hair, messy inbox and all. You are worthy whether you have done the things,
whether you have done them perfectly, it doesn't matter. You are worthy, valuable,
who would be. That too, my marble countertops. So about three years ago, when I started three
or four years ago, when I started having these concerns that I need the wrong decision
and going with marble countertops, I was in a client meeting. And we were talking about her
bathroom center kitchen and talking about how even marble tile, we are looking at her bathroom
and she wants to get marble tile and even that is the natural material where is over time.
And I brought up my marble countertops and I said, it just kills me to see the etching all over them.
And I just think that maybe I made a mistake. And I think I am going to get them re-finished
and re-sealed and maybe that can turn back the clock a little bit and make them look more
perfect. I don't know if I said perfect, but you know, make them look a little bit less messy.
This is why I love this fun. I mean, I love her. I love her partly because her look is so fun to
design for because it is real and interesting and beautiful. But also because she is a rooted
person. She understands the beauty of real things. She is brilliant. She is funny. She is engaging
to have a conversation with. And I think the reason that she is such a wonderful person to hang out
with is because she is more real as a person. She is not trying to be something else.
As some context about the look that she likes, she has what you call living finishes on her faucet
in her kitchen. I think on her master bath faucet as well, her primary bath faucet.
She has what is called a living finish. You see mostly on brass finishes,
and beyond other things, but often it is on brass, where the oils in your hands from use over time
create this patina on it. Where you see on the faucet, you will see where it is touched the most
often because that will start to gain this patina. It will change the finish. And it is something that
a good 10 years into having it, the faucet actually looks better if you are embracing this patina than
it did when you first got it. And it looked brand new. And so this client who has these living finishes
on her faucets and loves them, she said, they have credit all over Europe. And it always shifts
those works of time. And I said, I know, I know, but mine just doesn't look like that. It is not working.
And she said, you know, maybe you don't need to refinish them at all. Maybe they are just starting
to get good. Maybe this mess that you see when you look at your countertops is the beginning of the
real patina. It is the beginning of the next thing. And when she said that, whole body got warm. It was
like, ah, it was like honey dripping inside my body. And I was like, that's it. I forgot. I had
forgotten as Bernays Brown says in one of her talks, I got a dance with the one that broke me.
Right? And the one that broke me was marble countertops that look real and worn in and imperfect and
beautiful patina. And that's what I that's what I signed up for. And I forgot in looking at all
these perfect looking countertops around me, I forgot that what I wanted was real, real and beautiful
in its imperfection. And so I at that point did not read, read, do what I'm refinish my countertops.
I have not refinished them since I got them eight years ago. And she was right. They look better
than they did three or four years ago. And I had this conversation with her. They just look better
because it starts to create a different look as all of these imperfections combined together
to just be what this countertop is and have the experiences that it has had. So I can't wait
because now eight years in, I think they're going to look even better five years from now, which is
which is really beautiful. We are absolutely this is a shout forward, not a callback. I don't know.
Preview to another podcast episode that we will have about aging, probably, you know, one of many
because I think we are woefully selling ourselves short the way that we look at aging. So call
forward to that. But with my countertops, it's the same. They are beautiful now and they will be
better in five years. And how can we say that if the point is perfection? We can't. Because the
minute anything is wrong, it's no longer perfect and it's screwed up. And it's like all out the window
because perfect is perfect and there's no, there's no halfway. It's on or off. It's 100%. It's black
or white. And once it's no longer perfect, oh, it's imperfect. So if I can go for real, real can
look like a lot of things. Real can look like my countertops look now and it can look like they'll
look in another five years. And if I'm going for more real than in five years, they'll be more
real and it just gets better. So step in like half a step off my soapbox there. I want to say too,
this is not to say that I think everyone should go out and have marble countertops. If it will
drive you crazy, don't get them. This is not about marble countertops. And I am fully aware.
I'm sitting here and I have on a little bit of makeup and I definitely have on my eyelash extensions
that I get from my amazing person who does them. She's brilliant. And that doesn't mean that I'm
beating myself up about my eyelash extensions that aren't real. Okay. This is all in reality. We live
in reality. Let's find a balance that feels good for each of us. This is not about stripping off
every single thing and making nothing fun anymore and living in verbal sex. I don't know why that's
where my head goes. But that's where it went. This is not the goal. The goal is for each of us to be
able to raise this question within ourselves and be and challenge ourselves to look beneath the surface
and to ask ourselves what's really important to us so that we can be more vulnerable in how
we're showing up and more realistic in what we expect of ourselves and of others, in of of
situations and of our creations in life like this podcast. I would never do it if I needed it to be
perfect because one little mistake all of a sudden it's done. So let's let's find some realism so
that we can actually freaking have some fun. Back to the velvety rabbit. I'm going to read near the
end of the book. I don't think it's the end. I'm not sure. It doesn't happen all at once. You become.
It takes a long time and that's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily or have
sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are real, most of your
hair has been loved off and your eyes drop out and you get loosed in the joints and very shabby.
But these things don't matter at all because once you are real you can't be ugly except to those
who don't understand. Once you are real you can't be unreal again. It lasts for always.
So I want to leave you there and I and I want to tell you as well that like me,
my counters, my countertops now have scars and marks from time. Like me, they will never be
that brand new version of perfection ever again. And like me, they are beautiful in their real
expression of self. Of experience and time and yes pain and scarring. And the most incredible part
is that when I walked into my kitchen coming home after that meeting when I had that conversation,
I remembered all over event how beautiful my countertops are. And even today, even more so,
I remember that this is a journey and like a good cast iron can or like any one of us,
they are actually better as they get seasoned with richness, with layers, with time.
And now I know that in this process, we've only just begun in the grand scheme of time. These are
little baby countertops in their eight years that they've been on my counter. And the more
life they get, the more beautiful they will become. And if I can accept that in my counters,
maybe I can be more graceful about accepting it in myself. Thank you for joining me for Matthew
Design of Life. More to come. I am so curious. Please, please, please offer comments about
what you think about this, how it hits you, your experiences in these realms of chasing
perfection and what you think. And if you disagree with me, let me know because I'm not trying to
be perfect. And I would love to hear what you think I could do better. Most of the time, because
you know I'm doing the best I can. Thanks for joining me and I will talk to you next time.