Ep. 6 Is 42 the Answer to Life?

Ever wonder if life holds a secret unlocked by age 42?
I share my expectations of turning 42 versus the reality.

But what if 42 is just the beginning? Ditch the pressure of having it all figured out! Join me for a fresh take on growth, embracing life's messy journey, and the questions that fuel us.

Tune in to discover:

• Expectations vs. Reality at 42: My youthful visions of life at 42 and the unexpected joys (and challenges) of this milestone.
• Beyond the Quick Fix: Why escapes like Burning Man and vacation aren't the answer to a fulfilling life.
• The Real Answer (Spoiler Alert: It's Not 42): Discover a powerful approach that helps you navigate life from a different perspective.

Transcript

Hello everyone. Good morning, good day. Whatever time it is you're listening to this. This is Mandy with Messy Designed Life and you. Are in for a treat today, because today we are going to talk about the answer to life, the universe and everything. You're hearing it here first, actually, you're not, but you'll figure out why in a second.

And, um, it's, it's exciting. I think there's a lot here. I'm excited to share it with you. Uh, this is a podcast, uh, episode that I have been thinking about doing before I had this podcast. Um. Before I started it, I think this is our sixth episode. Sometimes I can't keep track and, uh, I've been thinking about this since I turned 42, which is.

Almost a year ago. Uh, my birthday's in July. It is May, it's beginning of May right now. And, um, I've been thinking about doing this since July. So, uh, I wanted to fit it in before I turned 43 so that I was legitimately doing the 42 answer to life, the universe and everything, episode. So here you are, you are here at the timely moment that it's, it's all happening, it's all coming together.

Um, in case you don't know the reference and what I am talking about. Uh oh, let me say first, welcome again to Messy Design Life. This is the podcast where we talk about interior design sort of. And by that I mean that interior design is just one tool that we're using to understand ourselves better as humans, to understand how we can do this human thing better, how we can make life more smooth or.

Lean into the, not smooth in a way that's functional and, uh, learn to enjoy it more, even if we're not happy all the time, because I. I'm a firm believer that that's not possible. So in case you don't know the 42 reference, where have you been hiding Under a rock, except it's not a current pop culture reference.

I guess I'm 42, so I'm old now, so I get to say that, um, there is a book called Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. You know, I didn't look up the year that it was written, but it is a science fiction. Book that was written, I would guess in the seventies. I will put it in the show notes so that you have a real number, but you could look it up yourself.

It's just as easy as me doing it. I'll do it for you anyway. Um, so Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is, is, and I looked this up on Wikipedia, so some of this wording is gonna be straight from Wikipedia about it. 'cause I wanted a concise way to say what the book is about. Um. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a book that tells about the adventures of the only man to survive, the destruction of earth.

So while roaming outer space, he comes to learn the truth behind Earth's existence. He learns what Earth is all about, why it's there, uh, and why it was created. And we'll come back to that in the end. And within the book, it turns out that mice here on earth are not actually what they appear. They are merely the pr.

This is the Wikipedia. Wording mice are merely the protrusion into our dimension of vast, hyper intelligent pan dimensional beings. So they mice are hyper intelligent, pan dimensional beings, and the whole squeaking and eating cheese thing is just a front that they're playing on earth to like pass off as not intelligent and not important.

Right. So the mice are these interdimensional beings that have built a supercomputer that is supposed to figure out the answer to the question. The ultimate, let me say this exactly the way it says it. The supercomputer is meant to calculate and learn the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything.

So the supercomputer, which is called Deep Thought, that's the name of the supercomputer. And it was specially built for this one purpose to figure out the ultimate, the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe at everything. And it was deep thought, told the mice that it would take seven and a half million years to compute the answer to this big question.

And. The computer runs for seven and a half million years, and they all show up to get the answer and everyone's very excited and there's a big party in ceremony and it's very wonderful, and everyone's like, we're now gonna know the answer. And the computer spits out deep thought. The computer spits out the answer.

And the answer is 42. And. Everyone is like, what are we supposed to do with this four, two is the answer. How does that make sense? And I don't remember if it's the computer or the mice that figure out, oh, we didn't actually define the question. We just said, what is the answer to life, the universe and everything?

Answer 42. So we are having this podcast conversation today that is based around the concept that 42 is the answer. It is the ultimate answer before anyone who actually knows about this steps in and gets all upset in the comments. I'm aware Douglas Adams was interviewed multiple times, I think, and people said, how did you choose 42?

Is this some wonderful. Insight into the universe and you know, something we don't. And is it deep? And you pick, you pick this for some deep, beautiful, philosophical reason. And Douglas Adams said no. Uh, he said it's a completely ordinary number. A number, not just divisible by two, but also six and seven.

It's the sort of number that you could, without any fear introduce to your parents. So 42 is a very random thing. I sort of don't believe in randomness. So I think it's a fun game to say, what have I learned at 42? What answers do I have? And if 42 is the answer to the question of life, the universe, and everything, what answers can I give right now at the age of 42, um, that maybe I didn't have before?

I, I do think that there's some arbitrariness to. Age for sure, for sure. Age. And uh, also to other, um, ceremonies, right? I mean the, we have holidays that we celebrate when we celebrate them. Sometimes they're on a date, like say Christmas is on December 25th. Well, it wasn't historically right. It was like. 40 days after this moon happened, or I'm saying that I, I don't know when it was, but it was something that was to do with the moon, the, the cycle of the seasons and something that was actually measurable, um, way, way back when.

That was a reflection of things in the universe around us. And my point in saying that is I, a lot of times we have these ceremonial. Traditions that we partake in, that they don't actually mean anything in and of themself. December 22nd, or I'm sorry, December 25th. That's how, that's how we're relevant.

The 25th is, um, December 25th isn't actually a special day. It's a day that's special because we've decided that it's a day that we make special. So anything in life. While I'm saying 42 is so special, it's not 42 is a chance like any other, to say, what am I gonna do with this and do I wanna make it special?

So I am taking this chance at 42, this opportunity at 42 to check stock and learn and redirect and say, what have I come from? What did I think 42 was gonna be like? And when I look forward, what do I think comes after this? Uh, knowing. What I have learned. So 42 is, it's a way finding point for me. Well, it meant nothing to Douglas Adams, uh, then it kind of means something because he said it meant something.

I'm doing the same thing. So, um, I do have notes over here if you're watching the video. I'm working off of the notes. So while I pondered 42, what is 42 to me, what does it mean? I wanted to start with what did I think 42 was gonna be when I was younger and I wasn't here yet. What did I think about 42? And I had sort of conflicting thoughts, uh, which I think is normal, right?

We don't know what's coming in the future. But first of all, I thought I would have the answers. I mean, fortitude is the answer to live universe and everything. So. Uh, I, I thought I would know things. I thought things would be clear. I thought I would know who I was and what I'm doing here, and I would be on a mission to fulfill my purpose that I would be beautifully blissfully clear on, and I could just work toward that.

Right. And my only, my only mental. Anguish would be, how can I work toward my goal and my purpose better in life? Because I would be so clear on it and I would be doing it every day. I would get up and I would be doing my life purpose. And not only that, um, I, I mean, I think I'm an 80th baby and I think like so many of us born around, when I was born, we thought that 40 meant gray hair, a short golden girls like perm.

Um, we would have to wear control top pantyhose to work every day. Like this is what we would be doing. We'd be putting on our heels and our control top pantyhose, and we would go into work and do the work thing. And clearly that's extremely different. And I also thought it was old, right? Like we had gotten somewhere.

By the time we get to 42, we have, we have arrived at a thing that is now another thing. Is that true? Well, we're gonna come back to that. Um, the other thing I thought. At, at 42, I didn't, when I was a teenager, I remember thinking, I did not know if I was gonna make it to 42 to 40. Um, I can't even remember.

It might have been even 30. I wasn't sure I was gonna make it to the, to some significant age without being in a mental institution. And I. Very seriously. I thought this was a real possibility. Map it. I mean, honestly, it still is. Like of course it is. We could all, we all have all the possibilities, uh, as to how we're gonna react to things and handle them right.

I think at the time I was just so depressed when I was a teenager, uh, in a way that I didn't know how to deal with it. I still get depressed. That's a part of who I am. I'm a four. If you know your Enneagram, we are, and I'm a cancer, cancer in two of my. Uh, astrological signs. So I'm used to swimming in some emotions.

I just had so much anguish about doing it when I was a teenager and I looked forward toward 30 and 40 and 42 and thought, wow, I just, I don't think I can life. I don't think that I will be able to effectively pay bills every month and, um, get those bills. Like I, I don't think I'll be able to pay rent. On a regular basis to where they're not kicking me out, I don't think that I can pay my water bill and then have heat in my house too.

And we didn't have cell phones when I was a teenager, but I mean, maybe they were starting, but it wasn't really, so I wasn't worried about my cell phone bill, but I just didn't think I had it in me to to life on a regular basis and do these adulting. Things that you have to do on a regular basis. And to be fair, I kind of still don't.

I have done a lot of workarounds and then some of them I, you know, auto schedule my payments or whatever the thing may be to help me get some structure when I inherently don't come from a lot of structure inside of me, or I come from a rhythm pattern that's a lot longer than a month. So that paying once a month is like, oh yeah, I forgot I had to do that real life thing, uh, that I already did.

It feels like yesterday, but it was just a month ago. Um, so I didn't think I would get to 40. I. Without being in a mental institution and simultaneously thought I would have all the answers at 40 if I made it. So there was a little bit of conflict there as to what I thought was happening, and I, I know I'm not alone in this feeling that there is some benchmark when we are young and we look forward, that we look at and say, okay.

That point as an adult, quote unquote adult, that's when I'll have it all figured out. I, I have talked to a lot of friends about this idea in preparing for this podcast and just in general, and I post it on Facebook. You know, what does it mean for you to be past 40 if you're not there yet? What do you think happens there?

What? What's different than you thought? If you are past this milestone and there were a lot of comments about, I thought I would have it all figured out. One friend messaged me just privately and said that he thought he would be happily cocooned in his. Forever job, forever life. He would just have this family that was all set and done.

And you know, these, these things that we struggle to understand when we're younger and in our twenties, we think somehow we will figure them out and we won't be doing that same struggle later after 40. Um, and, and I think it's. That's a, that's an easy trap to fall into to say there's gonna be some point where I find certainty and I don't have to do this unsureness anymore in life, which, um, I'm not sure where we're getting that story because the more I think any of us dive into that, the more we walk down that path and think we hit a milestone where there will be certainty and we walk past it.

We just realized there is none, even, even, uh, other types of milestones that we get. Um, marriage, a big job promotion or getting that position that you want in your job or For me, my TED talk, doing my TED talk, I was like, now I have arrived. I, I've heard multiple authors. Referring to when they wrote their big book, like did they think they had arrived?

And then afterward there's this moment of like, arrived. Where now what, what do I, what does that mean about me? I don't have any more clarity at all. I just had this thing that I put out into the world and now I'm still me. So this, this makes me think of the fact that, um, so I've been to Burning Man five times and Burning Man is a.

It is a unique experience that looks like whatever you think it's gonna look like and or the thing that you can't quite handle, and probably both at the same time. And, uh, it, it doesn't just look like one experience. It looks like a million different experiences. One thing that is consistent, if you go to Burning Man, you will hear, uh, on a more than once a day basis.

People will say around you, why can't life just be like this all the time? Well, if we could just, if I could just stop doing life and, and life could be like Burning Man where we don't have money and we're doing the, the gifting. We're not even bartering, we're gifting, uh, thing. So I'm just giving you coffee and later you're just gonna give me music.

And we're just, isn't this beautiful and blissful and it's all wonderful and can't we just live like this all the time? And the head of the camp that I go with. Very intelligently. I didn't even understand the first time I heard him say it, 'cause it was my second year going. He was like, you know, burning Man is as magical as it is because it is temporary.

And if it started to be every day, that magic wouldn't be the same thing because. It's all the time. And what's the saying? Wherever you go, there you are. That's the thing that I didn't realize that I think in society is missed so often is that there's this picture that there's an idyllic place where none of our problems exist and where we've either escaped them.

And somehow, you know, outsmarted them and now I just don't have to do the problem anymore. Or we have learned enough to walk through them and never have to deal with them again. Uh, they, they're, I've, I've do a lot of my own, like self-growth things, right? I've gone to workshops, I've taken classes, um.

There are so many or, or when you do medicine journeys and you come out of it and you're like, oh my God, my entire world has changed. It will never be the same again. Now I am enlightened and I am happy, and I will never know depression again. Guess what? Part of my life journey I. Is to be sad and to learn how to navigate that.

Part of my life journey is to be unclear and uncertain and to learn what to do with that. These stories that I have in life, I'm not enough. Uh, I don't have anything valuable to say. These stories that I am carrying will not just magically change to different stories because I have a realization. What happens is we, it's like an onion where great, we have peeled one layer away and there is some relief in that.

And over time, little by little, this next layer starts to chafe a little bit and we gotta work through the next layer and. Honestly, in my experience, those layers are just gonna be the same stories. We're just working through more, more depth and understanding and nuance in our same stories. We may over the course of our lives.

On Earth. Oh, oh, here's a different story. I would bet you though, I, I can't even think of one. I think all of my stories that I came up against later, like, oh, I never saw this before. I was keenly aware that that same story was there before. I just hadn't cleared away enough stuff above it to realize that it was there.

So I don't think we get new stories, new problems, uh, new. Self challenges to work through. I think they come all rolled up in our little selves when we get here or we layer them on, let's say this. Potentially we layer them on in childhood as we're learning to navigate life, as we're learning to navigate ourselves and we're learning to navigate interaction with other selves around us and how those interactions work.

Well, potentially. We're creating all these layers at that time in a way that's. Uniquely responsive to who we came into the world as. Um, so through some combination of that nature and nurture that let's say, is set in stone, basically set in stone by eight, maybe 10. After that point, there are no new stories.

And going to Burning Man for a week is not going to erase them. And making Burning Man be our every day is not going to erase them. We're just going to find that as we stay at Burning Man, our problems have come with us. We have brought them with us and we're, we're working through the same challenges because there's no shortcut through the challenges.

So that's part of my 42. Um. What was my next thought about this as I ramble on about my Burning Man thoughts? Wherever we go, there we are. I think that's part of the thing too with vacation. I. That's why vacation is so blissful. I know I'm not the first one to say this vacation is amazing because you get to check out of things that are ne necessary, that are necessities in our everyday life.

We can pause them long enough when we're on vacation to not have to do them, and I personally do not like. Like, like I don't think, I think there are very few people who actually really like them. I have such a strong aversion to everyday mundane task kind of things. Like at the core of my being, I despise dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning toilets.

I don't do that anymore, but I have deleted as many of those as I can because I just wanna shoot my face off. When I have to do these things, um, they drive me nuts and there's not a way around them. But when we're on vacation, we could pretend there is right vacation burning man. We just fool ourselves into believing that there is some blissful life available where these don't have to happen.

And I think the story about that is actually the problem. The problem is not that I have to do the dishes, the problem is I keep telling myself there's a way to get out of it. That's the problem. That's the real problem. So the other thing that strikes me at 42 being that I am speaking to you as this wise person with all of the answers, now that I have reached this beautiful, blissful 42 age.

Um, the other thing that comes to me is that there is really so little clarity in. Looking forward as we are working through something, clarity comes in hindsight, and if we think if, again, back to the stories, if my story is that I should be able to walk through life forward as we have to, that I should be able to walk through life forward and have clarity and have answers and understand what I'm doing and why I'm on this path, and oh, this next step I'm gonna do this so that I can do that.

So I can do that. We can plan that, but we're guessing at it. We're always guessing at it. I think I, when I was younger, I really believed that other people got this. Am I alone? I don't think I'm alone in this. I think we assume, we all tend to assume that somebody else has it figured out and that they have figured it out.

Figured they have figured out a way to make it easy. This life thing, this, this, uh, uncertainty. Moving forward, we believe, I believed, lemme go back to myself. I believed that I looked at other people and they were like, okay, I would like to be a famous author and do this and live here and do blah, blah, blah.

And they were like, the clear way to get there is to do these 10 steps. So I will now do these 10 steps and then I will arrive there, and while I'm doing the 10 steps, I will be so clear on where I'm headed that. I will not be unsure at any step in the process, and I don't work that way. Um, I work a lot more off of instinct and, and a sort of, I don't know how to say this, other than like a resonance of, oh, does this next step feel like it's in alignment with who I wanna be and, and the way I wanna feel and where I wanna go in life?

That feels maybe not quite like the right way to say it, but. It's as close as I can get right now that there's an inner something that I can tap into and say, is this in alignment? And it is not always there to answer. Let's be clear, I'm not tapping into this thing. And I'm like, yes, no. And it's like, yes.

And I'm like, cool. Keep on moving. No, it's something that over time I'm like, seems like this is, seems like this is jiving with that inside thing in there, so I'm just gonna keep going this direction. But I think. 99.7% of my time is spent being like, is this what I wanna do or do I, do I really wanna do that?

Or do I wanna do that? Do I wanna do this? Do I wanna do that? I, if you know the, the Myers-Briggs personality types, uh, you get four letters. I'm like ENFP, and the last letter is either a P or a j. If you are a j, if it's a spectrum. So if you, if you are on the J side of the spectrum, that means that you are good at answers, you've got some answers.

If somebody asks you a question, you're gonna give them an answer. And if you're way far over on the J side of the spectrum, your answer might be yes or no. Hey, what's the law? Like big life question. Yes. No. 1, 12, 42, right? That's a J answer. If you've got somebody who's a hyper P. They will not give you an answer.

They will ask you more questions. Oh, well, do you mean like this lifetime? Oh, do you mean like right now in life or do you mean like my big, you know, where do you wanna go to lunch? Oh, well, are you gonna come with me? Are we gonna go right now? Am I paying, uh, am I in the mood for this or what? Have you been to this restaurant?

Right? It's all questions. And that's where I'm coming from because I am a hyper. Hyper P I'm like so far over on the P side, so getting answers, me coming to answers is so difficult and it's something that I get to work on that is a challenge that comes with me to Burning Man. I get to take that to Burning Man and say, how do I make decisions while I'm here?

Because that's gonna be with me all the time. I don't get to leave it. I don't get to leave it anywhere. I get to learn that lesson somehow. While I'm here and have not learned it in my 42 years and believe that I will never fully learn it, I will just understand it better. I will just get to better understanding.

Um, funny because I, I said that to someone that I'm really bad at making decisions and they said, oh, well, but you do interior design, so you must be really good at deciding for other people then. And I said, you know, I, I've actually structured. My, the way that I work with clients, I've structured it in such a way where I just ask them better questions and that's what is happening in my exchange with them.

It's not that I am. Uh, giving them answers. It's that I'm helping them clarify their own answers because I don't come with any answers because I'm API don't have any answers. I just have more questions, and the better questions I can ask, the more happy they will be with the selections they make for their home.

Same when I'm doing neurolinguistic programming and LP coaching, it's the same thing. I am not there to give answers. I am a coach. I am there to help. People, my clients tap into their own answers. That's the point. I don't have their answers. They do. Um, and if they don't, they're like me. If I have my NLP coach, they help me find where I'm like, oh, there's the resonance.

Okay, clarity for me. It's not even an answer. That's so funny. Look at that. I didn't even mean to do that just now. I like had to explain away. I can't even say I have answers. It's like painful for me to say that out loud because I don't feel like I ever, ever have the answers. I just have more clarity and more resonance.

Wow. I am just, I'm so far over on that piece spectrum. So here's the beautiful thing that has just happened in our conversation. Is that we have looped around to, um, what the book points out, what Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy points out. So if we're using that as the framework for our discussion today, that 42 brings in all the answers.

Um, what's interesting is that, so as this computer, the supercomputer spits out 42 and they're like, well, what? Oh my gosh, we didn't, we we weren't clear on the question. Maybe this is what they did. Let me go to my notes on this. So I say it right. They said, um, the computer actually itself deep thought the computer points out that this answer 42 seems meaningless because the, they didn't know, they didn't have clarity on the question.

So then they say, okay, can you, can you tell us what the question is? You a computer? We programmed you just for this. Um, so can you just tell us the question and then we'll all have understanding about it? And the computer says. I cannot do that. I was only designed to come up with the answer. But I, in my all knowing of being this supercomputer can help you design another computer that's even more powerful than I am, that will calculate the question.

And here's what's funny. Um, the, the computer, this new computer that we make will have to run for 10 million years. And what happens is the computer that this deep thought, cute computer creates is Earth. Earth is the computer and it's gonna take 10 million years to figure out what the question is. So through the metaphor, the lens of the book, earth itself is a computer to figure out the question that we are asking.

What is the question that is life, the universe, and everything. What is the actual question? So what's funny is in our conversation today, we've looped back around to that. I'm not good at giving answers at 42. Here's what I realized. Instead of seeking answers, can I let go of that being my goal? Can I let go of thinking that I will ever have beautiful, concise formulated um, uh, it's funny, the word stagnant comes to mind.

Um, solid, reliable answers. Can I let go of the desire to have them and, and the story that I'm failing? If I don't yet have those answers, can I let go of all of that and reframe at this pivotal point, this arbitrarily pivotal point in my life? Can I reframe all of that and say. I'm not concerned with the answers.

I am going to get more focused on what questions I'm asking. I'm going to, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get focused on which questions I'm asking, and I'm also going to focus more on how to ask better questions. So that as I'm going through my life on a day-to-day basis, as I'm doing those stupid dishes and all of those little mundane life things, can I ask a better question about what's available As I do it, can I stop looking for the end and start asking myself how to better walk the path along the way, which is almost a cliche.

Uh, perspective, I guess is the word I wanna use. It's almost a cliche perspective to say life is not about the end. Life is about the journey. But what's interesting is people say it for a reason. If we keep trying to get somewhere and then experience tells us that every time we get to that thing that we thought was the thing that we really wanted to get to, we get there and we're disappointed.

And now there's so much more road ahead of us. And how do we even approach that if we stop thinking there means anything? And we just start seeing each there along the way. 42 A 50, the book, the TED Talk, whatever those M star, milestone mile markers are for us, if we start seeing those, not as the answer or the end goal, but as little breadcrumbs along the way.

Oh look, I made it here. Oh look, here's a checkpoint. Here's a weigh in point. Here's me. Like checking in that I'm still, I'm still feeling that resonance that I wanna tap into that I'm still walking in a direction that's asking good questions. So what happens, this is my question coming out of my answer point of 42, is, can I release the need for answers?

And in releasing that need, what can I open up? As I work to question more, so that's what I have for you today about life, the universe and everything. Um, I hope that you, whether you've made it to 42 or are still working there potentially, or interested in asking better questions. So what I would like to leave you with today, coming from this enlightened point of being 42, which of course is the answer to the question of the universe, I would like to prompt you to.

To start asking questions about what is the question I'm actually trying to answer? What is the question that I'm actually curious about that actually, um, gets more deeply at what I am seeking? Can I look at the seeking instead of the arriving? So I'll leave you with that for today. This is messy designed life.

I am so glad you joined me. If you like this podcast. I'm a little baby. Podcast. Spread the word, let other people know. And please, uh, give me comments. I, you know, I should look into this. I don't even know how you comment on podcasts because I don't do it, but I would love to hear from you if you're liking it, what's resonating for you, what feels valuable, and if you have other questions that.

I feel like, look, I'm back to questions and if you have other questions that you would like to discuss that I won't give you any answers for, I will just ask you some better questions. I'll leave you there today. I'll talk to you soon. Thank you so much. I will see you next time and until then, stay messy.