Ep. 8 Part 2 Can Growing Older Actually Mean Getting Better?

LINKS+REFERENCES:
Krista Tippett Podcast On Being
Rilke quote
Renia Jaz IG @venswifestyle
We Can Do Hard Things Podcast
Lyn Slater IG @iconaccidental
Elizabeth Gilbert Letters from Love

Transcript

Hello, welcome back to Messy Designed Life. This is part two of the getting older and maybe better episode. That's what we talked about last time. We will be continuing that conversation today. And I want to just start us off with a quote from Rilke, the poet, that seems so fitting and also fitting for another reason because I am completely enamored and in love with Krista Tippett, who has a podcast called On Being. And I feel like every time I hear Rilke, I think of Krista Tippett because I have an impression that she loves Rilke and the pacing of Rilke, the slower, deeper, richer pacing of Rilke makes me think of Krista Tippett herself. And what a better example because Krista Tippett is also a woman that is past that 40 point. So yet another great role model for us to all be looking at an example of doing life past that point. So the quote is, don't search for the answers which could not be given to you now because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything, live the questions now, perhaps then someday far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. Here is the second half of the Getting Older episode. Thanks for joining.

When I was 20, I wasn't very happy with myself either. So at 40, looking back to being 20 and saying, wow, I should have realized that then. So now I'm gonna spend 40 wishing that I was 20 because when I was 20, I wasn't 20. And then when I'm 60, I'm gonna look back at 40 and say, wow, I wish I would have realized when I was 40 that it was actually pretty good. I don't wanna do that. And I think the way we stop that momentum is everything that I've just talked about. Start looking forward, start being curious about what I have, what you have to offer right now. And not only that, here's the thing, you guys. This changes so many things. It changes what I look at my partner, he's older than I am, he's a decade older than I am. Sometimes it doesn't feel like that. I know everyone can relate. He probably looks at me sometimes and he's like, wow, it's so clear you're younger than me. So this is not just bashing on my partner. We all are children. Let's be honest, we're all children. But I look at him sometimes, all the time. And I'm telling you, I don't want him to be 25.

When I turned 40, we went to Vegas and it was so fun. We did all the things. I mean, all of them. I mean, like we did the helicopter ride over Vegas at night to see the lights. We went to the burlesque show. I think maybe we went to a drag show. We went to Thunder Down Under. And you know what? Those boys are so talented and they are so muscly and they look very, very nice. And all I could think was while I'm watching them is, wow, this is really physically a feat. Like they have worked out a lot. I appreciate the effort they've put into this. I appreciate the show. And oh, they are so young. And this is not what I am looking to connect with at this phase in my life. And that I do not, that's so not a judgment. That is how amazing are those young guys at being young guys? They're so good at it. And at 40 or now after 40, am I looking for a young guy? Or am I looking for someone who just like me in my mother phase? Am I looking for someone who's in a different phase of themselves? Who has learned more things in releasing, trying to look like that 25 year old guy with the six pack who can do all of the intricate, very vigorous thrusting motions? Am I looking for that? Or am I looking for someone who has embraced that when they were there? Maybe, who knows, embraced themselves when they were there and now are embracing themselves where they are. Because being with a partner who can embrace themselves where they are reminds me, helps me, we just get to help each other remember that we're not trying to be 25 anymore.

And I don't mean remember like we're saying it out loud. I mean, the way we choose to live our life embraces different things than chasing all of the stuff that I was chasing at 25. What a freedom. How can, it's so freeing. So I go back and I look at those posts on my Facebook with all the people saying, oh, you don't look 40. Oh, don't worry. And it was so interesting to understand where that was all coming from while not buying into it and saying, thank you, but I wasn't worried about looking old. Thank you. And I really like being 40. And I, God, I would never go back to 30 or 25. I mean, here's, I have to say one other thing. I talked to people. I talked to so many people and they're like, man, youth is wasted on the young. And I'm like, which part though? Can we pull apart this measuring stick and actually examine it and say, which part do you feel like you can't have anymore? Well, my body isn't what it used to be. Nope, it's not. Not. And you know what? It's something else now, which could be cool in its own way. Can we get curious about what that is and what's different and what's present and available? I'll tell you, my digestion is different. I can't have as spicy a food all the time. I like spicy Indian and Thai food, like spicy. I can only do that every couple of weeks. I did it yesterday and I was up in the middle of the night anxious and I am convinced. I mean, we'll see if that pans out, but I am convinced that it was the spicy food, that I woke up at 2 a.m. with high anxiety. Also, I can't really have rice. I feel really lucky. I don't have a lot of dietary restrictions, but if I eat as much rice as I used to, my body's not very happy. And the thing I've heard a lot too is from other people my age, friends, as we go out and chat, is that we just don't sleep well when we drink too much.

There are certainly things that my body won't do. And I feel grateful for that because if my body could still do them, I wouldn't be as aware of how they're affecting me. There's this toughness, I just think of little kids like running around and kind of bumping into things and falling on the ground and getting back up again and running around some more, and I'm not that anymore. And it's okay. And my body asking me to slow down or be conscious and aware of what I'm putting into it, I feel really grateful for that. Does that mean I'm not disappointed I can't eat the rice the way I used to or can't eat the spicy, spicy Vindaloo every single day if I want to? Sure, I miss it. And, oh my God, what else is here? If I'm like, yep, I don't know, things change. Can't do that anymore. And I start to just accept it instead of saying this is a loss. If I say this is a shift, this is different. Huh, what can I do better now? And maybe it doesn't have to do with my body. Maybe my body stuff isn't better now. Maybe it's awareness, depth, the ability to hold for other people. All of those things are different. And I couldn't have had them, that ability to listen to nuances from inside of me out. Hey, your body doesn't want to eat this. Hey, doing this thing in my life affects me in this way, which means that I can't show up for other people as well. If I weren't aware of those nuances, I wouldn't be able to continually improve on the nuances because I would just be a bumper car.

I'd just be a bumper car bumping around like I was when I was 20. I was like, nothing affects me. I get a bruise, it's gone the next day. When I fall down, the body, it's not the same. And that's okay. Now, I've got a bruise. I've always had bruises. I never knew where they came from. I think I just am like, I don't know, walking around not noticing, because I have eye band on. But the other day I had one on my knee and I was like, I have zero clue where this came from. And I would have remembered like falling on my knee and I don't. So I think I'm bruising more easily. What does that mean? I get to slow down. Kind of sounds nice, I'm not going to lie. So I also wanted to leave you with a couple of inspiration humans. These are all women because those are the people that I've, that's who I'm looking to very specifically for myself. And I'm sure we can all find men or non-binary or all of the spectrum of humanity as older humans that we can appreciate for them standing up and being what they are at their age. But my list, my list is women because these are women that I follow, that I'm inspired by. And this is a very short list. This is 100% off the top of my head. There are so many resources when you start looking for them for this different inspiration.

The first one, I can't even tell you, this woman, I found her through Instagram because I had liked some other stuff from other people. And then of course she comes into my feed. Her Instagram handle is Venn's Wife Style, V-E-N-N. S-W-I-F-E style. I will have that in the show notes. This woman, God, she's so chic. Her Instagram posts usually say at the bottom, I'm 58 and here's how I wear a pencil skirt, or I'm 58 and here's how I wear a neon top or whatever the thing is. So clearly this woman is 58. She has this fashion channel where you literally just watch her hold up the thing, pencil skirt, whatever it is. And she starts putting on an outfit and oh my God, she's so chic. I wanna be, I mean, I wanna be myself. I wanna be my own version of this woman so hard. Like I just, oh God, she's so cool. And she is so much more cool to me than some young 20 year olds. It's like, look, I just threw on a sweatshirt. Don't I look chic? Because they can do that. And I am 40 and I can't do that. I don't look chic in a sweatshirt, probably. I don't know. We could work on that. Maybe, why not? I look chic in a sweatshirt. I look 40 year old chic in a sweatshirt. That's fine with me. Also, Venn's wife style, you look so stinking chic in every stinking thing you do. I just love you so much. Like I'm like fangirl. I post weird comments. Like, I hope they're not weird. I'm just so enamored. I'm like, you look so pretty in that sad face. Like crying face, you know, crying emoji. Like I just am so overwhelmed by how wonderful this woman is. And she's not doing it in a way of trying to be 20. She's doing it in a way of I'm 58 and here's how I wear this thing with some style and some funk and some moxie. And it's unapologetic. It just is what it is. And it's not even like, I'm 58, deal with it. I will wear what I want. It's fully embodied and embracing and I love it. So Venn's wife style. We talk, I think I probably bring it up every single week but the podcast, We Can Do Hard Things, all three of those women are over 40 and God love them. Their perspective, their insight, their vulnerability, the way that they approach the people they interview and the topics that they are interacting with and sharing is so inspiring. And I think all three of them would tell you they would not be able to offer that kind of inspiration if they weren't over 40. When they were younger, of course we're using 40. This is an arbitrary, 40 is arbitrary, right? But we're using it as a line because whatever, this side of the hill. I would bet you all three of those women would say that if they had done this podcast 20 years ago, it would not have been what it is now. It would not have been the same kind of content and they would not have been able to offer the same insights and value that they are offering now because of the wisdom that they have gained getting to and past 40. We can do hard things. Oh gosh, Glennon, Abby, sister Amanda, I love you so much. Another one, another woman that is just so inspiring. She goes by Accidental Icon. The story I heard, did not check this out. This is just what I heard. So if I'm wrong, revise as needed. The story that I heard is that this woman, I don't know how old she is, she's probably 70 now. She has this short little white haircut, very chic. And I've heard that she was at a fashion week somewhere, maybe New York, maybe Paris, I don't know. And some photographer saw her from behind and thought she was a model. Now she has great hair, but I mean, that's like a kind of an edgy, cool, stylish thing for young people to do. So anyway, the story I heard is that she was seen from behind. Someone thought she was a model in fashion week and she was not. And they had her turn around and they started taking pictures of her, which is why she calls herself Accidental Icon. And she has a lot of great insight about what it means to be older. She has a book called, How to Be Old. I've not read it yet. I actually just found it out when I was trying to find her name, which is Lynn Slater, L-Y-N, Lynn Slater. I will be getting her book, How to Be Old. I'm super curious about the wisdom she's bringing to life in these other phases that aren't the maiden part of it. So maybe we can talk about How to Be Old later, meaning the book that just expands on today. The last one that, again, this was just the short list, like just bam, bam, bam. These are the people that are an active part of me really being excited about getting older. The last one, I mean, Queen Elizabeth Gilbert. Stunning. I mean, this human, she, there is something so accepting that I know she has worked very hard to get to. In life, I know there have been a lot of life challenges and a lot of stepping into knowing self better, stepping into learning from things that seem like setbacks and turning them into opportunities. I've had a lot of opportunities to grow and learn. And every time I see posts, they feel so centered, so grounded, and so not concerned with age. And let me make sure I have all the perfect makeup on. That's not where Liz is coming from. And I am so grateful. I'm so grateful to have women to remind myself that I get to explore myself. This is the other thing. Okay, this is the other thing, is that as we all do this, not only are we giving permission to everyone else to do it, not only by me embracing old as fucking rad, that's the way it came out right now, and that's the way I'm sticking by it. Not only is old rad and awesome, and I'm super excited and curious about it. And of course, I'm still adjusting and learning to love my eye wrinkle. Not only is old rad, as I embrace that, learn to listen to myself in a different way. I'm no longer listening to the outside of here's what a beautiful woman looks like, like I did when I was in the maiden phase in my 20s. Maybe some of you in your 20s in your maiden phase didn't do that. Maybe you were coming inside out. I mean, I did sometimes, I could. I knew, I was aware of that. This wasn't a new concept to me, but I tried so hard to embody it. And I did as well of a job as I could do at the time. And now I can do a better job, a different job that is more conducive to expanding from who I am. So expanding into this space allows me to listen to what it is that I want, who it is I want to be, who it is that I already am, and unlearn to come back to looking forward at creating the person I'm becoming from the person that I am, rather than creating the person I'm becoming from the outside. I'm supposed to be, I'm supposed to be, I'm supposed to be. I'm creating that person from inside so that it's like this manifestation situation. And as I do that, the more that I am able to do that, and do it for myself, I mean, in the most beautifully selfish, in myself, for myself of being satisfied and happy and fulfilled in life, the more I can do that, the more I offer others the opportunity to do the same, which is what this shortlist and so many others that I am looking to, to remember that, they are doing for me. Back to my childhood experience of growing up on Disney movies. Think of the older women portrayed in Disney movies, in fairy tales. The older woman is either the fairy godmother, or she is the evil stepmother. So those were the options, or she's just non-existent. And that's not a lot to go off of. Men, I think it's different, and I would be really curious to have a conversation with someone to have more understanding about that, because I do think it's pretty different, and we can learn a lot from it. So I'm asking, if you want to join me in redefining this thing, if you want to join me in not cowering away from old, and stepping into it and saying, dude, old is where the real party is. It's just a different party. And the 20 party is great when you're 20, and the old party is great when you're old. And I'm gonna figure out how to have the best old party I can have. I invite you to come with me. Would love to hear your thoughts, hear your comments, hear if you've been going through the same thing, or if you haven't thought about this, and which parts of this maybe help you look forward, and not back at 25. Here's to being old. Here's to podcasts about interior design that don't really talk about interior design, because interiors are not just our spaces, they're ourselves, and our bodies, and our minds, and our spirits, and how we're happy. Thank you so much. I love you all, and I will talk to you soon.