Welcome to this episode of Messy Can't Stop Her. I am your host, Judith Kambia Obatusa – JKO. Today's episode is a special one. As we get ready to begin Mother's Day weekend in Canada, we are exploring a topic that affects mothers and impacts their children. This topic is important for every woman who has influence over children because we rub off on the children that look up to us.
Today, we will be talking about trauma and why it is important for us to make our healing a priority when we are mothers. Why our healing matters not just for us, but for our children too.
There used to be a time when women used to say that they stayed in a toxic marriage because of their children. Now we want to change that narrative to I am healing from trauma because of my children.
The truth is that motherhood is a messy journey. It is beautiful, frustrating, exhausting, and exhilarating all at once. But for many of us, that journey is colored by past experiences – experiences that can sometimes feel overwhelming.
So, before we dive in, let's define our terms. Trauma. It's a heavy word, isn't it?
Trauma is not just about war zones or car accidents. It actually comes in different shapes and sizes – from the big, glaring moments to the quiet, insidious ones that creep into the corners of our minds. Trauma can stem from anything: difficult childhood experiences, abusive or toxic relationships, societal pressures, or even the everyday stresses that pile up and chip away at our resilience. Trauma is any experience that leaves a lasting emotional mark. It leaves scars, some visible, others hidden beneath the surface.
Healing, on the other hand, is not about pretending the past didn't happen. It’s not just about slapping a band-aid on the wound and pretending it's not there. But rather, it's about diving deep into the trenches of our pain, acknowledging those experiences, understanding their impact, and learning tools to move forward with strength and compassion. The process is messy, it's painful, but it is worth it. And the benefits are multiplied when you are a mother.
Why is this so? you may ask. Why is healing from our traumas so important for mothers?
Let me tell you why.
When something really hard happens to us, it can change how our brains work and even affect our genes. Healing from trauma means working through those tough feelings and experiences, so that they do not affect our lives in a negative way.
Our children are little emotional sponges. They pick up on our anxieties, frustrations, and the way we cope with stress. They absorb everything—our words, our actions, our energy. They pick up on our vibes, even when we think we're hiding them well.
Studies indicate that maternal mental health significantly influences child development, shaping various aspects of cognition, behavior, and socioemotional functioning. Unresolved maternal trauma can compromise attachment security, emotional attunement, and adaptive coping skills in children, predisposing them to a higher risk of psychological distress and interpersonal difficulties.
In other words, if a mom has been through tough stuff but hasn't dealt with it, it can make it hard for her kids to feel safe and understand their feelings. This might mean they have a tougher time getting along with others and dealing with their emotions.
Research on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – PTSD – reveals that unhealed trauma in parents can lead to increased stress hormones like cortisol in children. These hormones can impact a child's developing brain and emotional regulation skills.
If we're carrying around unhealed wounds, it can show up in our interactions with our children. So, when we're carrying around unresolved trauma, it doesn't just affect us—it affects them too.
Think about it: how can we offer patience when we're depleted? How can we teach healthy emotional regulation when we're struggling with our own?
Healing from trauma as a mother is so crucial because most of the time, we are juggling a million things at once, trying to keep it all together for the sake of our children. But beneath the surface, where there is unhealed trauma, you will also be carrying the weight of that trauma.
A mother that has not dealt with her trauma might lash out in anger, withdraw into herself, or struggle to form healthy attachments with her children. She might pass down her pain through generational wounds, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction and despair – someone calls it a chalice of misery.
Healing does not mean erasing the past. It is about learning to manage past experiences so that it does not negatively influence how we interact with our children.
But it’s not all gloom and doom, a phoenix can also rise from the ashes of that trauma because when a mother commits to her own healing journey, she breaks the cycle and shatters that chalice of misery. She shows her children that it's okay to feel, to heal, to rise above the darkness and into the light. She models resilience, courage, and self-love, paving the way for her children to do the same.
The science of neuroplasticity tells us that our brains can change and adapt throughout life. That means by actively working on your healing, you're building new neural pathways for emotional resilience.
To all you mothers listening to me, prioritizing your healing is the most powerful act of love you can offer yourself and your children. It is not selfish. By healing, you're building a stronger, more resilient foundation for your entire family.
Imagine yourself as a sturdy oak tree. You can't provide shade and shelter for your little saplings if your roots are tangled and weak. Taking care of yourself is like nourishing those roots.
The process will not be easy. It will be messy, there will be setbacks, and that's okay. Fix your eyes on the goal. As you heal, you become a calmer, more present parent. You will begin to model healthy coping mechanisms to your children, and you'll be better equipped to nurture your children's emotional well-being.
Some practical strategies for initiating the healing journey include becoming more self aware.
You can do this by engaging in reflective practices such as journaling, mindfulness, or working with a therapist. These reflective practices help to deepen your understanding of past traumas and their impact on your life.
Secondly, prioritizing self-care. Taking some time for yourself is not selfish—it is essential. Through activities like exercise, relaxation techniques, and creative expression, you nurture your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. This is what self-care is about.
Lastly, seek support from trusted individuals or professional resources. Working with therapists that specialize in trauma recovery, joining support groups or online communities with other mothers who understand what you're going through can help you learn more about yourself and the impact of your experiences on your life, and it can also help you begin to heal from past traumas.
Some useful resources include:
Insight Timer – I have mentioned this one several times on the podcast because it has helped me and many other women who I introduced to it. Insight timer is a free app that helps you build healthy habits, sleep better, and address anxiety and stress.
Happify – This app gives you access to effective tools and programs to help you with your mental wellness. Their techniques are developed by leading scientists and experts who've been studying evidence-based interventions in the fields of positive psychology, mindfulness, and cognitive behavioral therapy for decades.
May also happens to be Mental Health Month in the United States and Canada and the Canadian Mental Health Association and National Alliance on Mental Illness have special events that you may find helpful. They also have useful resources on their websites that many have found effective.
These support resources do not take the place of reaching out for professional help. If you can’t do it on your own, please get some help.
So, my sisters, on this Mother's Day weekend, I invite you to prioritize your own healing. Whether you are celebrated or not on this weekend, I want to encourage you to celebrate yourself. And whether you get a gift or not, this Mother’s Day, please give yourself the gift of healing. Give yourself the gift of taking charge of your well-being. It's a gift that keeps on giving, for generations to come.
Your children are watching, learning, and growing from your example. By choosing to heal and taking small steps to heal, you're not just changing your own life—you're changing theirs too. When you do this, Messy Won’t Stop You. Thank you so much for listening, see you next time.