Most Common, Least Believed: Emotional Abuse, Signs, Impact and How to Help

95% of men who physically abuse their intimate partners, first abuse them emotionally. Though emotional abuse is the most common abuse, it is the least believed by the police and others and it is the least addressed. JKO discusses the signs, it’s physical and mental health impact on victims and how a victim can support herself in the situation.

You could save a life. Please share this story with at least one person in your corner of the world. We can each prevent and create awareness about the domestic violence pandemic.

References in this episode

WomensLaw.org

Healthline: How to Recognize the Signs of Emotional Abuse

Is Emotional Abuse Grounds for Biblical Separation?

Christian Men Who Hate Women

Cathy Heller

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Transcript

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Welcome to this episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her, the podcast where we share the stories of women's resilience through chaos, crisis, and the challenges of life. On today's episode, we'll be continuing the conversation about domestic violence. In this episode, we will be listing the different types of domestic violence, and we'll be highlighting one of them in particular. This particular one we will be highlighting today is one of the least spoken about, but the most common. 

Many times in our conversations here, we're going to refer to women being abused because, as we know, Messy Can’t Stop Her is a podcast where we share the stories of women's resilience. 

I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me to share their stories and the stories of people who are close to them. I want to thank you for stepping up courageously, because these conversations are difficult and they are painful, and sometimes they dredge up memories we would rather leave buried. So, I applaud you, and I want you to know that your experience, the experience of your family member, the experience of your friend has not been in vain. As we all step up and speak up in our tiny little corners of the world, we shine a light on this darkness, these insidious, this pervasive, this terrible darkness. And we change the trajectory of domestic violence in our world, starting from our families, our communities, and our nations. And as you know, I have particular interest in the role of the Church in stemming the tide of domestic violence among Christians. 

Domestic violence is a pandemic, and I'll be bold to say, even more widespread than covid, older than covid, and yet not given as much attention. Domestic violence truncates destinies, domestic violence limits opportunities for those who are in it and even those who are indirectly in it. For example, the children. 

I'm going to start with just a short definition of domestic violence. Domestic violence is when one party in an intimate relationship, in a family relationship, in an intimate partner pair uses abuse to control and harm the other. There are various types of domestic violence, and I'm going to be talking, listing them and highlighting one in particular on this episode and in subsequent episodes, we'll be highlighting some others. And we will also be speaking to people who have experienced it, people who know, people who have family members or close friends who have experienced it but are not here to tell their story. We'll be talking to experts, and we'll be talking to people who serve in the domestic violence support industry, like shelters and places like that. And also we'll be talking about things you my listener, you those who are invested in this podcast, you that you're listening now. We'll be talking about some of the questions that you ask. So please feel free to send me a DM and we'll connect with you. And let's start this conversation. Let's spread this conversation. 

So, the most common types of domestic violence abuse is physical abuse, which impacts your physical body. So if you went to the police, they want to see where you were burned, hit and things like that, financial abuse, social abuse, spiritual abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is also referred to as psychological abuse. Emotional abuse is the most common form of domestic violence. 

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), 95% of men who physically abuse their intimate partners also abuse them psychologically emotional abuse is so rampant because it many times precedes physical abuse. It precedes other forms of abuse. So it's a very important part and it does have actual physical impact on the victim. 

Why is it so important that we talk about psychological abuse or emotional abuse? Because it increases the trauma that one experiences in the other forms of abuse and it destroys the victim's mental health. 

Let me just talk about some of the things that people experience physically because they have gone through emotional or what you call psychological abuse. In fact, throughout this podcast, I will be referring to it as emotional abuse. Emotional abuse has both short term and long term impacts. 

In the short term, it can lead to feelings of shame, confusion, fear, and hopelessness, but it can also, in the short term, cause some physical and psychological issues, such as racing heart, gastrointestinal issues like stomach ulcers, nightmares, lack of concentration. So the person is not able to focus, muscle tension and mood changes. But over time, over the long term, staying in a situation where one is experiencing emotional abuse, it leads to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, personality disorders, hey, post-traumatic stress disorder, psychosis, suicidal ideation. And for some people, they begin to use substances like alcohol and other drugs to cope. 

I really want us to look at the long term effects of these things because it's easy for us to say we can cope, but over time it strips us, it takes away from us, and it reduces our ability to fulfill the hopes and dreams that we have. 

Some of the things that people who abuse others emotionally do that one can use to recognize either in our own relationship or in a friend's relationship. You see manipulation and I want you to understand that as we know, in many abusive relationships doesn't start with these behaviors. It's a subtle thing, especially with the emotional abuse. It's very subtle and it involves attempts to frighten, control, isolate you, and so physically you will not be harmed. But truth words, actions, and consistently exhibiting these negative behaviors, abuse will start gradually and begin to happen again and again until it becomes part of the relationship that that person has. One thing that the emotional abuser wants to do directly or indirectly, is to make the person lose their self esteem. So, the idea that you cannot step out and do things, you have to always keep going back to this person to get guidance and further reinforcing some of the things they have said to undermine and demand you. So, the abuser uses this emotional and psychological abuse to break down the person self esteem and self worth so that they can create a dependency on them. They are very hard forms of abuse to recognize these emotional abuse because it is spread throughout your daily interactions. Unlike physical abuse, there are no isolated incidents and clear evidence to show that you're going through this. And if you stay there long enough, you may not even recognize that you're going through it. You may even deny that you're going through it. 

Some signs that a partner is being emotionally abusive towards you could be using words, name calling, giving you derogatory nicknames. Some people are so bold, they can actually call the person stupid, loser or calls you name that you're sensitive about something you don't want them to call you my little dumpling, for example, my honey pumpkin. You don't like it because it's coming with something that makes you uncomfortable. But they still ignore your request, and they keep it up. 

Another thing they do is character assassination, saying that you always screw up, you always get upset, you always… And they keep saying, this is to describe your behavior to you and to other people all in the bid to humiliate you, to criticize you, and to negate anything that you are trying to bring across. Another thing is they never hit you, but they yell at you and maybe break things on the house to scare you. They belittle you, so they are patronizing, for example, saying, I know you tried so hard, but I know that this is hard for you to understand. Even though you're trying. I know it's hard for you to understand, implying that your capacity to understand is limited. They embarrass you in public, make fun of you in public, disrespect you in public. They dismiss the things that are important to you. If you say something is important to you, then they say, who cares about that? They make you look foolish. They make it look like what your value is really not valuable, belittle your accomplishments. No matter what you do, you are not good enough. If you get an award or recognition outside, they don't celebrate you or they take responsibility, it's because of them it happened. They don't care what you like. Whatever you like is a waste of time. They make threats. And one thing that is popular among emotional abusers is what is called gaslighting. 

What is Gaslighting? According to womenslaw.org, “gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that tends to happen gradually in a relationship. It is a pattern of behavior in which the abuser intentionally, intentionally denies that acts or events happened in the way that you know that it happened.” So they twist your emotions, your words and experiences, and they use them against you. And then that makes you begin to question your reality, to doubt your own judgment and memory, and to go as far as making you feel crazy. Signs that you're experiencing gas lighting include feeling confused, constantly second guessing yourself, constantly questioning yourself if you're being too sensitive or you're overreacting. And it goes on to make you begin to have trouble making simple decisions and constantly apologizing to your partner because then it seems as if you accuse them for something they didn't do. Signs of gas lighting include constantly finding yourself making excuses for them, saying, oh, they did it because they were not in a happy mood, they just had an issue at work. So there's always a reason you also find yourself not giving information to those like your close friends and family because you are not sure anymore of even the information that you have regarding things around you and things that you're experiencing. And you start to lie to avoid the put downs and the twists of your reality that you're experiencing from gaslighting, you begin to feel as though you can't do anything right, and you wonder if you're a good enough partner. And where you have children, your children could be used to Gaslight you and you begin to wonder if you're a good enough mother. Gas lighting does not leave any physical scar, but it is meant to control you, isolate you, and frighten you because isolation when you now begin to avoid your loved ones because you're scared of giving them information. Gas lighting is terrible and very common part of emotional abuse. 

Other things that a person can experience in emotional abuse is being isolated. So when there is an event among your friends and family, there's always an excuse for you to go. I remember when we used to talk about this in Nigeria, so there is a food we call pounded yam. To make pounded yam, you have to boil yam and then use a motor and pestle and pound it into a paste and then form it into balls. This pounded yam is normally eaten with vegetable soup, different types of soups; Nigeria has a lot of soups. So, if a man wants to make sure his wife doesn't go where she planned to go, just as she's all dressed up to live, he now asks for pounded yarn and a particular soup that may not be available at home. So she now has to remove her clothes that she wore her out in clothes and begin to make this food that takes time to make. So of course, when that happens, you're not going to go. That's a way to emotionally abuse a person. After some time when someone keeps not being able to attend events, friends and family now stop inviting them to events, so they get isolated. Another way that they can get isolated is by them not showing up because they're scared of giving away too much information and they're scared that their mind, that they're losing their mind and they are not good enough to relate to other people. The whole idea is to undermine the victim's confidence and sense of self-worth, convince them that they are not okay without them. They need them to make decisions. The abuser convinces the victim that without them she can't make a decision, she can't function, she has limitations, she lacks understanding. There are many ways that emotional abuse shows up, but I believe that with all these examples, I might have been able to give you an idea of how it shows up. 

One of the data from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is quite interesting. People always talk about how it's good for a woman to have her own money, but do you know that that doesn't really protect you from emotional abuse? Reports that women who earn 65% or more of their household’s income are more likely to be psychologically abused than women who earn less than 65% of their household’s income. So there you go. The idea that having your own money saves you from abuse, from domestic violence, it's not necessarily true. 

Two weeks ago in the episode that actually got me rolling on this series about the death of Osinachi Nwachukwu, who was a renowned gospel singer in Nigeria, she died and it was exposed after she died that she had been in a very toxic, horrible domestic violence situation and she earned more money than her husband. She had cars she could not drive because he didn't let her drive the cars. In fact, on several occasions, as reported by their children, when they go out with their car, he chases her down from the car, drives away and leaves her on the roadside. He has done it in places where there was no transportation, where she got robbed and beaten up. He has done it to her at night. He has done it to her during the day. He has done it to her on their away from Church. That is a form of emotional abuse. So she earned the money, the cars were hers, but she didn't drive them. She had no access to her own money. So making more money doesn't save you from domestic violence. 

So I've said a lot about the effects of emotional abuse and the types of emotional abuse. Now let's talk about what you can do if you are in this situation. If you are the victim of emotional abuse, you may think that you are not good enough. You may be scared or hesitant to ask for help from your friends and family because maybe your partner in some cases, these men are so charming, no one will believe you. I read a book many years ago called Christian Men Who Hate Women. They are charming and they are abusive, terribly so. But no one believes the wife because she's the outgoing one. He's quiet. So when she's trying to express her service, she's so troublesome. That's what people see. That's what they hear while he looks like an angel. So you feel people may not believe you because this man is a charmer. You may feel shame or confusion because you're not even sure, you think you're losing your mind. But it's important that you seek help. You need help and support to end an emotionally abusive relationship. Look, there are so many types of emotional abuse. As I'm trying to get into another part of this conversation, I keep remembering new things. The list is so long, I can't list them all. And so there's a psychology website, a link that I'm going to put in the show notes that has a long list of so many things about emotional abuse, the types of emotional abuse and things you can do to help yourself. If you know someone who is in this situation, either as a victim or as the perpetrator, it's not okay. The impact is long standing. It's hard to get out of the impact. So it's better we stop it before it goes too far. 

A couple of things you can do to help yourself if you are in this situation, you need to ask for help. Just so you know, seven out of ten women who have been abused emotionally display symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and/or depression. Imagine that those women have children. Imagine how this becomes a cycle for the generation and the next generation and becomes an intergenerational trauma. It's important that we do not allow those who are in this situation remain in them. So if you are in this situation or you know someone who is in this situation, first of all, let's try to get them professional help. Encourage them to find a therapist. Get a therapist if you are in this situation. Many domestic violence shelters have counseling as part of the programs that they offer. In fact, some churches have counseling. I will get to what the word of God says about this action at the end.

Abuse is never your fault. It's not okay for anyone to treat a fellow human being in a way that diminishes them physically, emotionally, or in any other way. So please, no matter how you have been told that if you didn't do this, I wouldn't have done this to you. No matter how you've been made to take the blame, I want you to know that it's not your fault. So please avoid self blame. Try to prioritize your needs. The things that you need to fill you up, the things that give you joy, the things that give you joy. Even if it's just music, even if it's just singing, even if it's reading, self care, I know that maybe you may not be used to it. I was like that I could not take care of myself. For years and years, I was told about self care and I never prioritized it. And today I am now learning to prioritize it but after a lot has gone down in my life, you don't have to wait to lose your health, to lose things that are valuable to you before you look after yourself. And I know because you are not used to it. It might be hard, but why don't you just start with baby steps, even if it's to take a breathe. 

This year I was privileged to be offered a meditation course. A wonderful person who is amazing. Her name is Dee Varenne. She supports people who are doing business and starting businesses to have a space where they can be held accountable, where they can grow their business together. As we all shared our challenges, she noticed a thread that was common. The way we had the monkey brain, that we're not able to focus on things. And she started to teach us meditation. I used to think that when you talk about meditation, you’re talking about occultic dark magic because I never really knew what it was. You won't believe it. So many of us know these words, but we don't know the meanings. But Dee was able to help me to understand that meditation is being able to control what you're thinking, being able to calm yourself so that you can get clarity, so that you can release toxic thoughts, toxic energy, and invite and receive and be open to the positive. Be open to what is good. And by doing this, you open yourself up for God to fill you with those things you desire. So many times, we worry about money, worry about health, worry about all these things. But we are so caught up in our worries that our minds never rest and we end up putting ourselves in worse situations. And Dee was able to teach me and some other women how to use our breath to calm our minds, even if that was the only thing you did. You learned how to breathe, to take deep breaths and calm your mind in this situation. 

And maybe you're not able to change your situation, but you can change your situation inside you. Because the truth is the change begins within us. That's why you see many people, they leave one abusive relationship, get help, and then go back and have another abusive relationship with a new person. And they just have the cycle that doesn't end because the issue is not about the abuser, it's about you. How do we show up in life? How have we put ourselves before someone and allow them to turn us into a rag? Because I truly believe that these men that abuse women, these men who will allow abuse us, will leave us and go to the next woman who doesn't take their rubbish and be licking her legs and her feet and be rubbing her and carrying her back and cleaning the house because of positioning. So when we want change, we have to start from within ourselves. That's why it's so important that we prioritize self care, prioritize the things that give us joy. If it is painting that gives you joy, paint YouTube can teach you. There are many opportunities on social media, on social media to learn new things, to empower ourselves. All we need to do is prioritize it. So one thing you can do when you are in the emotionally abusive, toxic relationship is to prioritize it. Because as you begin to do that and you're talking to someone, you receive some clarity.

Set some boundaries. I will still take us back to this self care, selfcare really helps us a lot. Because for me, because of that meditation, I improved my ability to listen to my heart. And every time I listened to my heart, before I responded to something or someone, before I took a step, made a decision, every time I paused to listen to myself, I was very happy with whatever I did. It's important. One thing about listening to our heart is that we become more self aware. We begin to know the things that make us happy, the things that we don't like. And when we know what we don't like, we are able to set boundaries. It took me about 50 years. So I know that many of us are walking the Earth blindly. And it wasn't because I hadn't heard these things before. It's because I had not heard them in my spirit. It's because I had not surrounded myself with people who reminded me people whose conversations were about self growth. That's why we have podcasts. One of the reasons we have podcasts, books, all these media. 

Experts say that we are the sum total of the five people who are closest to us. If the people that are closest to you are those with whom you have toxic relationships, your life will be a mess. Those who judge you, those who bring you down, those who break your spirits, whether they are family, friends or Church members, you have to say no to those relationships and go look for a space where you are valued. That has been one of the blessings of Facebook for me. 

In 2021, God brought a person called Cathy Heller my way. I never heard her name before. And because of Cathy Heller, I began to know other women. And these women were people who loved like me, who felt like me, who thought like me, who welcomed others like me, who loved on others and encouraged them. And my community is wider than ever before and my mind is blown. And despite the challenges of my life, I am so happy. I have this community of people who we have never met in person. But they are my biggest cheerleaders. They are encouraging me. They are challenging me. They're loving on me. So your cheerleaders, your support group, don't have to be people you know personally. There are groups online where you can go and share your heart. You need support. That's the only way to break free. Because this darkness of emotional abuse is like a dark cloud. It sits over you and you are not able to see beyond the cloud. But if you can just get the light of a word, a word from someone, from a therapist, from a friend, from a group, their therapy groups online. The pandemic was supposed to be a bad thing, but it opened our lives up to other ways of relating, of connecting. We don't have to go to India to have a relationship, a heart to heart relationship with someone in India, in Australia, while you're in Canada, from Nigeria, relating with someone in New Zealand, having a bond so strong with them. So please, if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, build a support network and where you are able to exit the relationship and begin to heal. So you have to start healing. You can't allow yourself stay in hurt and pain. And I mean it literally and figuratively. 

You can be in the same house with an emotionally abusive person, and you are healing in your heart because no matter what a person does to you, they can't go inside your heart and make you think what they want you to think. We choose what we think. We have a place in our lives that we control is a place that no matter how we get a person, they cannot reach that place. That's why those that were in the concentration camps Corrie ten Boom, Viktor Frankl, these people, their minds could not be harmed by the wicked people. It's the same thing for someone in abuse. Your mind is yours. You can determine what is going into their mind and you have to fight to not lose your mind. I know this from my experience and from the experience of many others. 

I just want to say a word to Christians, emotional abuse is a sin. If you're a man using the Word of God to keep your wife under bondage. You are a sinner and Hell fire is waiting for the sinner who refuses to repent. I want to just share a few scriptures to buttress my point because I don't want it to be that I've come with my feelings all. The Book of Ephesians, chapter five from verses 21 21 says, Honor Christ by submitting to each other. 22 says, Your wife must submit to your husband's leadership in the way you submit to the Lord. For your husband is in charge of his wife in the same way Christ is in charge of his body, the Church. He gave his very life to take care of it and be its savior. So husbands, men, you are to be like Christ to be willing, ready, available to give your life to take care of your wife and save her from trouble. Wives must submit willingly to obey the husbands in everything just at the Church, obeys Christ. And then verse 25, because many times we always hear submission. Verse 25 of Ephesians  says, and you husband show the same kind of love to your wife as Christ showed to the Church when he died for her. Can you die for her? If you can die for her, then why do you want to kill her? With heartbreak, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, ulcer, high blood pressure, stroke, heart failure by your mistreatment? If you can die for her, why do you want to kill her? He says in verse 28, that is how husbands should treat their wives, loving them as parts of themselves. For since a man and his wife are now one, a man is really doing himself a favor and loving himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body, but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for his body, the Church of which we are part. 

Should any one of us be listening to this and say, I'm a Christian and the Bible says you must submit. This is what the Bible is saying to you, the man you have to love your wife the way you love yourself, taking care as you would care for your body. Now I have a problem. I know men who don't take care of their bodies, so maybe abusers are dirty men who don't take care of their bodies. Is this true? Please send me a DM and let me know. But I want to say something that the Bible says about emotional abuse in the Book of Proverbs because one way people are abused emotionally is through the words. We mentioned, that when we were talking about the ways. God's word says, reckless words Pierce like a sword. This is Proverbs twelve, verse 18, and Proverbs 18, verse 14 says who can bear a crushed spirit? Emotional abuse crushes the spirit.

I was reading an article by Christian Counseling and they're saying is emotional abuse grounds for biblical separation? And at the end the conclusion is we can make the choice to leave. Oswald Chambers, a Christian teacher writes, to choose to suffer means there is something wrong. To choose God's will, even if it means suffering is a very different thing. No healthy saint, No healthy Christian ever chooses suffering. He chooses God's will. He did not say this. but I'm saying this. No healthy Saint, no healthy Christian chooses to make others suffer. If you're an emotional abuser and you say you're a Christian, you can't be both. You can either be a Christian. All that the Bible says you owe everyone is love. And the one closest to you, your wife, should have the greatest amount of that love. You don't owe punishment. I want to discipline her. She's not your child. She's your partner in life. So let's rethink our idea of submission and let's rethink those writings. I was reading somewhere, a pastor was writting all these things a woman should do when you come back from work, your husband comes back, you do this for him, you do that for him. And somebody asked, what are you saying to the man? He said, for you to ask that means you are narcissistic. I don't think he understands. Look, the one that has the greatest responsibility is the man. So regarding emotional abuse, it's time for us to see ourselves, especially if we say we are Christians, step up to the plate and stop hurting the Church. Because just in case you forgot, your home is your first Church. Before you go out there and be preaching on the pulpit, on the TV, on YouTube and everywhere, your home is your first Church. If you cannot, live like Jesus in your home, love like Jesus. Give your life for your wife and your family, your children. Love them. Give them joy. Offer them joy, not suffering. Then there's much for you to work on. I could go on and on and on. Everybody knows I go on this my rants about this Christian matter because I'm a very devoted Christian and I see the damage that domestic violence is doing in our homes, especially in the lives of our children and the way that it's stopping us from fulfilling our destinies. And it means a lot to me. So I'm just going to end this conversation today at this point and encourage all of us. 

If you're a woman in this situation, find someone to talk to, prioritize your self care by doing that, become more self aware. Learn to know what you like and accept that. And by doing that, you learn to set boundaries. And if you need to leave, do that first before we start talking about God hates divorce. Leaving is not divorce. Leaving is safety. And if you cannot leave, there are opportunities on social media. You don't have to go far. You don't have to leave your home to be blessed, to be relieved, to be refreshed. Social media groups there are many of them where women have been lifted. Just Google or you call the domestic violence shelter. They have counseling. I just want to encourage you and I want to pray for you that you will listen to the word of God that He's speaking to you today, that He loves you and He did not create you to be abused. He created you to be loved and no one deserves abuse. Nothing you've ever done or said or thought makes you liable to be abused. You are meant to be loved and He loves you. That's why you're hearing this today. 

If you're a friend or a family member or a work colleague or a neighbor or Church member of a person who is in a domestic violence situation who all the things we talked about, you see them happening to them and who doesn't show up to meetings, who is not outgoing please don't give up on them. Keep on checking on them. Keep on inviting them. Your invitation could be what will save them. On the next episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her, we will be talking to someone who has been through abuse and other episodes will continue our conversation on the types of abuse. 

Thank you so much for listening. Remember, messy can't stop you. See you next time!