Wild Bill Chronicles Vol. 1| The Great Wild BILLgrimage of 2023

7/17/23, Standley Lake, Westminster CO 8:00 PM

Here we are. The first installment of active reflection as it relates to my 3 month medicine journey across the country. Into the unknown I go, both inward and outward. A creative experiment with the paint brush being direct experience and the canvas being me. How will my world shape me and how will I shape my world in this dynamic process of self realization.

Join along in this living and breathing journey as I initiate myself in to the Wild Bill energetics.

In this episode I actively reflect on where I'm at with my reliance on substances to sooth my nervous system as I adapt to this completely new way of life. If you are struggling with addictive tendencies or co dependence with substances feel free to reach out and share. I am a safe space to openly connect over the experience. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ALL OF THE WAY!

~Wild Bill 😘

Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/wildbillwellness/

Transcript

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What's good, y'all? I am in a delectable environment right now. Quite scrumptious. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I am doing absolutely alright, and when I say alright, I mean alright. I've got one foot in the door of misalignment. incongruence and one foot in the door of evolving and leaning into my edge and exploring my edge, the edges of the boundaries that my ego creates for me. And what I mean by that is And my intention for this check in here, this act of reflection, will be to be as transparent as I possibly can. And I say it that way because self honesty is a challenge. And it is scary to reveal yourself. Especially on a public platform, so... I've been on the road for the past 10 days. I am here in Westminster, Colorado at Stanley Lake. The last evening I will be spending here in the area. And I am off to Wyoming. I'm heading north. I'm heading for the Grand Tetons, Yellowstone. And I'm gonna continue to head north from there. What a blessing. What's occurring for me is a lot of avoidance on this trip. I am resorting to coping strategies that I consciously know are not good for me. I have been consuming a buttload of kratom. I didn't take a shit today. Not one poop. Not one little pebble. And it's because I've been consuming too much kratom and I know that shit ain't good for me. When I consume it to this degree. And I become emotionally chaotic to a certain degree. Yet, I continue to do it. And that is what is tricky. Is I know, yet I don't align. And I know what to do, yet I don't do it. These patterns, these cycles, they continue to show up. And that's okay. I have the tools. I've come, come the distance. I've come Quite the distance over the past five to ten years in terms of my relationship with substances. Oh my gosh, is that a dog? Is that a dog in someone's backpack? That's cute. I got hella distracted right there. Um, so, where I'm heading with this is that I want to articulate the experience I'm having with codependence on exogenous substances to soothe myself. And that is a deeply integrated way of being for me. I woke up this morning, felt fine. Well, actually I didn't sleep that well, but I wasn't up long enough to recognize the impact of my negative sleep quality on my energy. Uh, I felt alright because I'm waking up in a fucking beautiful place and the world is my oyster. I'm completely free right now to do whatever I want. What a fucking trip. Um, so what I decided on the rise was that I want to get some movement in before I take my car in to get it fucking fixed. Which is another golden opportunity I got to bump up against today. A lesson in surrender and acceptance. We'll get to that. So I decided to go for my run and right before I went on my run... Which was gonna make me feel amazing regardless, I consumed a feel free. For those that do not know what a feel free is, it's a cava cradum little mini shot. I believe it's two ounces or so, one part kratom, one part kava, it may be more kava than kratom, and shit got me pretty high. So I went for a twenty minute run, uh, just on the lake here. Cruising around, on foot, with my shirt off, soaking up the sun, finish my run, feeling good, did a little breath work, ran about two miles, it's been a while since I've done some cardio, and yeah, the Kava and Kratom hit, fam, it hit! So, I go about my day. I had arranged to get my car diagnosed by a professional today because I don't know shit about cars. AC issues, and it's been 90 degrees plus every single day here for the past five days or so. So I've just been getting smoked, and it's been energetically taxing. Because I go for hikes, I go on the mountains, I play disc golf. Spending a lot of time outside camping, and then I get in my fucking car and I continue to roast and sweat. And it's interesting to watch. How it impacts my emotions and my mentality. So now we're just on the journey of my day and we'll get back to the main point, which is me living out of alignment. Operating incongruently with what I know to be good for me. Conducive for an optimal experience for me. So, I take my car in. I'm like, I hope it's not too big of an issue. Yet, a part of me knew that it would be. Because my air conditioning, air conditioner stopped working. Actually, while I was here, it started acting weird on the way out, but a few days into my trip here, we lost her. We lost the cool air, and what was interesting to me about that was that I paid 1000 to fix my AC last year. I got a new, AC compressor, thousand plus dollars. I'm like, there's no way it could be that. But for some reason I knew it was that I knew part of me, a big part of me had the awareness that it was potentially going to be something larger, technical difficulties. Of course, of course, more lessons in surrender and acceptance and an opportunity to respond in a way that doesn't upregulate me. And negatively impact my health. Um, well, I was explaining what was going on with my air conditioning. I took it in, and I got the call, and they're like, Yeah, you need a new A. C. compressor. Well, choice point, choice point, baby. What do I do? Dwell. Dwell in... Victim mentality, victim consciousness, why me? Why me right now? I've been dealing with enough. I recognize the fact that I have the resources to take care of this and... Reality is reality, so why would I be in opposition of reality, when all that does is create friction, and not the type of friction I am looking to experience. So I accepted it, and I decided to be grateful for the return of cool air in my Mazda 3. Well, my day continued to unfold. I got some work done at a cafe while that got taken care of. Um, not feeling the best because I had consumed that Cavacretum Elixir, that shit. put me down. It was just too much for the morning. I took it on an empty stomach. Um, I have a tolerance to it, so, I mean, at first I felt phenomenal after my run and stuff like that, but it really negatively, it took a toll on my energy. It lowered me. It lowered my frequency. 100% emotionally, mentally. Um, I was less present, and I was more sensitive. I was more fragile, was what I recognized. Um, so that was interesting to navigate. And, you know, I made the most of my day. I got to cruise on my longboard. I got to have an excellent breakfast and get some work done. I got to connect with my lady, which I love you Beth, beef worm. Thank you for your support and your patience and your love always. So this journey, it's been revealing, it's been revealing. It's only been 10 short, 10 short days, 10 long days depending on how I look at it. And I've had incredible experiences so far. And lots of gold nuggets have shown up through the experience in terms of what it is I can integrate to become a more effective creator of my experience. Implementing it is another question. Will I apply? That is the question. And this art form of solo casting, active verbal reflection, it feels really good right now. And... The podcasting is something I've been in major resistance to. It's something I have primarily put down over the past few months. I had the pleasure of doing, of having, of creating a wonderful conversation with my brother Andrew McComb in the mountains of Boulder. So, that got things moving in the right direction. I got to get back on the horse. Did I prepare? No. I... Decided to propose that we do a podcast last minute. I had planted the seed a couple days prior and I knew that I only had that morning left to host the podcast. We had an incredible view. Um, that podcast will be out before this one. It'll be the episode before this one. Um, anyhow. I've been leaning far too much on substances. Um, my experience with addiction has taken on It's, it's been a layered experience. Before this podcast, I let myself convince myself to go get another feel free. When I, through the day, had recognized that the first feel free that I drank, it was 10% awesome and 90% not that great. Um, pleasure seeking. Why? Why? I will ask myself that question. Why? Why do I continue to do so? Um, the reason I go through this process actively is because I imagine many people are experiencing something similar with whatever it may be. I also experience codependent relationship with caffeine and cannabis has been on and off this year as well. Cannabis I've gotten a much better hold on throughout the years. My treacherous journey with the herb. As I consume these substances, which take me for a rollercoaster ride energetically, I put myself in the position of having a less meaningful experience while I'm on this trip. Because... If I'm not fully charged, if I'm feeling suboptimal, how can I expect to go to the limits in which I seek while I embark on this journey? I want to talk to strangers. I want to connect. I want to meet new people. And when I lower myself, via unconscious consumption of substances, I'm asking for the opposite of what I truly want. So I will commit to this tomorrow as I head north and get to experience the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone. I am committing to no kratom or cannabis, caffeine. I will not commit to abstinence. I will commit to consuming the rest of the bag of coffee that I have. Thank you, Four Sigmatic. And I will put that down for however long I'm in Wyoming. And ideally, well, this is what I'm going to do. Not ideally. I'm, I'm committing. I'm devoting myself to putting myself through a bit of an experiment to see what comes through because as I continue to indulge and do things that are not serving me, I negate my potential. I negate my level of impact because I am at the mercy of a cycle, and therefore I am surrendering pieces of my freedom, dependencies and external control. Sovereignty is freedom from external control, and I seek freedom. It's an ongoing process. I'm proud of how far I've come over the past ten years with it all, going from a... A weekly cocaine and alcohol user, frequently using MDMA and LSD to party, and essentially consuming substances until I was withering in every dimension of myself. Not to the point of being dysfunctional, but really interacting to the a very long way. I've made the commitment. Like I said, as I started the show, I've had one foot in congruence... Wait, I've had one foot in alignment and one foot... Incongruence. I've had one foot in congruence and one foot in the door with incongruence. Words. So, one thing I'm recognizing as these, as I overconsume these medicines, and I use them as substances, not medicines, because I'm using them mindlessly for the most part, um, just to get a little hormone kick, just to get a little boost. Is that... Damn, totally lost my train of thought there. But um, let's, I'm going to reflect on a bit of what I've done well on this trip as well, because we've been focusing on some of the challenges here, and where I have fallen through on myself, and that's okay, that's called being human. What I've done well. I've done a good job of observing myself. As I'm doing now, I'm creating the space to take an unconditionally loving, zoomed out look at my behavior. Where I lose is when I identify with the varying moods of nature. I identify with the depression, or the sadness, or even the elation, or the thrills, instead of just detaching. Knowing that it's all impermanent, and the more I attach to the good stuff, the higher I go and the higher I fall. And the more I attach to the bad stuff, the more I feel the bad stuff. So, I seek deeper levels of commitment to loving myself, and that's changing. And I've been on the path of change, intentional change, and self sculpting for quite some time. Alright, what I've done well, that's one thing. I've done a good job of staying organized and seeing everyone I've wanted to see while being out here without overextending myself. I've done a good job of adventuring and exploring new places and seeking novelty. I've done an alright job at connecting with strangers. I connected with two today. Three. One connected with me, rather. Well, then I connected with him, so it counts. He was a massage therapist and we got on the conversation of ayahuasca. He saw me meditating. Um, this river, this Creek river in Golden, Colorado, we connected. That was really cool. I've done a good job of adapting to this experience. This is totally different than what I am. Used to, of course. I'm living out of a car and sleeping somewhere different every one to two nights and man, there's just so much time invested in driving around. I'm so happy I have my AC back. I want to dial in my... Nutrition more on the road here. It's been it's been hard. It's been hard. I'm about to scoop a new Coleman grill I've done a really good job of accepting the Incurrence of I don't even know if that's a word the incurrence of a fourteen hundred dollar car repair cost I accept. And I release. Because I can. That's magic. I love my brother Kenan. It has been such an honor to be in a relationship with that man. And I wanted to get a pot in with him. We had shot for last night, but my energy wasn't right, and it was better for me just to retreat to my campsite. Here at Stanley Lake, I love watching people I love thrive and really fucking do the thing. What an epic thing, or what an epic experience. That lights me up, because when they go there, when they go into the depths, when they put in the effort to heal and build awareness around the truth of who they are, we can go way deeper and we can relate to a new degree. We can relate. So, if you're listening to this and, and, and you're reaching out for support, you're, you're seeking therapy, you're doing the yoga, you're doing the ice baths, you're taking care of your body, you're eating the right foods, you're seeking community that aligns with your values and beliefs, you're in conscious partnership. When you do that, you're doing everyone a favor. Everyone, everyone wins. Fucking everyone. It's such an honor to know so many incredible people. If you're listening to this and I know you, I love you. And if I don't know you, I love you and reach out and let's connect. I'm going to end this podcast now. If you found value, wonderful. If you didn't, wonderful. Thanks for listening. I'm grateful to be a human in this body. What a gift. More Solocasts to come while I'm on this journey. This was really good. I want to continue to plant seeds of exponential growth and evolution and love and creativity and expansion. And this is a wonderful practice for me to invite that in and to call that in. I've got some cool ideas and I'm going to bring them into existence. I'm going to bring me into existence. I'm going to breathe some life into my ideas, into myself. I am my success plan. You are your success plan. Thank you all for being here. I love you. Smooches.